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bestworstcase · 1 year

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anyway mulling over the hawker as a distraction from other brainrot and what i keep returning to with him is the wordplay on ‘hawker’ as a person who hawks wares and a person who hawks (<- as in falconry) and a british fighter plane in use during the 1930s-40s (<- the hawker hurricane, new info to me as it came up when i went to double-check hawker as a real synonym for falconer, but there’s an… interesting congruence with our hawker in that one of their notable uses was evidently being sailed around in merchant convoys(!) and catapulted(!) at hostile bombers whereafter pilots would typically bail and the aircraft would be lost(!), making them in effect a single-use emergency line of defense(!) in a stopgap system cobbled together before adequate escort aircraft carriers were available. see also catapult aircraft merchant ship i’ve been staring at wikipedia like Excuse Me? for a solid twenty minutes)

which is all very—i mean it’s wonderland, wordplay is mandatory. but then he’s also this adorable parrot-like bird (<- borogove) who wanders about selling mud cookies (<- mimsy bc nobody buys them and this makes me very sad) in a marketplace whose other denizens include these… smooth excitable creatures of indeterminate nature one of whom sells cheese (<- definitely slithy and probably toves) and which is itself a spiraling structure (<- so you gyre in it) in the center of a large lake (<- so the market is a wabe, because the lake goes a long way behind it and a long way beyond it in any direction). i do not have the wherewithal to comb the background of every shot for raths but the girls are certainly mome and the forest around the lake is tulgey, so raths or no jabberwocky is loudly everywhere well before the jabberwalker makes an entrance. so it all tracks as a subtle repetition of jabberwocky’s first stanza with the hawker being the element most clearly in focus but then we get this reversal of meaning from hawker into hawker and this formerly harmless and adorable parrot, who is really quite large and as it turns out rather more hawklike when he’s screaming battle-cries and hurtling talons-first toward the camera, not only goes toe-to-toe with the jabberwalker but also does fairly well at first (<- he fully stops the jabberwalker mid-charge and bowls it over in his first strike, and then we hear him keeping it pinned down while the cat talks to ruby; he only gets into trouble when the jabberwalker snags him out of the air, which is also something it does to ruby mid-burst—so this is not a clear-cut case of a civilian getting curb-stomped necessarily because we’ve just seen that this creature’s reflexes are faster than ruby’s semblance.)

and like borogoves are not the only kind of bird mentioned in jabberwocky; there’s also the jubjub bird (<- note singular), of which the poem’s subject is advised to “beware.” in the hunting of the snark, the jubjub bird makes a somewhat more detailed appearance: it lives in a cold, narrow valley and is an evidently nocturnal bird whose arrival is heralded by a “scream, shrill and high.” the jubjub bird is temperamentally “desperate” because it “lives in perpetual passion” and in appearance it is “entirely absurd” because “its taste in costume […] is ages ahead of the fashion”—so the literal suggestion here is that the jubjub bird wears clothes. further it is, while fearsome, not a bad creature; “it knows any friend it has met once before:/it never will look at a bribe:/and in charity meetings it stands at the door,/and collects—though it does not subscribe.”

so, while jabberwocky does not elaborate whatsoever on the jubjub bird’s nature, with snark taken into consideration, the hawker suggests the description of the dangerous but also amicable jubjub bird to a much greater degree than he does the hapless borogoves. the ambiguous dual meaning of his name (<- i.e. purpose) is thus reiterated in his allusion, at passing glance to the borogoves but with a little more attention (and familiarity with carroll) revealing himself as the jubjub bird. and then there’s the convoy catapult emergency bomber-intercept hawker hurricane whose purpose is to sacrifice itself to protect seafaring merchants as a stopgap until the arrival of more suitable escorts, which is either an absolutely hysterical coincidence or else someone on the writing team couldn’t resist the allure of “hurricat.” (<- REAL TERM. do note the pilots of these planes bailed and were then collected by their convoys unless things went really badly awry, which is somewhat reassuring as to the likelihood that neo’s fake jabberwalkers can’t permadeath the denizens like the real one can.)

AND THEN like, the cat says they gave the hawker something new to do and people have generally put that together with the inexplicable electric-blue eye light trails to conclude that the cat outright brainwashed the guy, but i don’t think that’s the obvious smoking gun people think it is—the light trails match the bright blue color on his beak, and his eyes and the teal stripes on his cookie tray are the same color desaturated. (and this is the second time rwby has given eyes of flame to the opponent of the eyeless jabberwalker, with the first metaphorical instance also being reified through yang popping her semblance to land the killing blow, so like. it’s a thing. to read the poem you have to hold it up to a mirror thus by extension you cannot encounter the jabberwock except by coming face-to-face with yourself, is the idea being played with here. maybe the jabberwock is you.)

and taken together with the hawker of goods/hawker of hawks wordplay and the jubjub-bird-masquerading-as-borogove allusion and the catapult bomber intercept hawker sacrifice merchant convoy thing… like for as little presence as the hawker has in the episode there’s really a lot of thematic density and all of it is singularly focused on constructing this holographic identity. this hawker is for selling and that hawker is for hunting, superimpose the two and you get a fierce-silly-sociable-scary interference pattern of the jubjub bird peddling cookies and knocking the jabberwock on its ass and going down fighting to defend the local market; did the cat force a new purpose on him or just tap him for the reverse angle of the purpose he already had?—and this question arises in the context of an arc narrative set in wonderland-through-the-looking-glass and working with mirror-image and reversal and optical illusion and hidden meaning as its fundamental symbolic building blocks and exploration/interrogation of identity through changed perception of the self as its central thematic conceit! like! there’s a lot going on in here!

#rwby v9 spoilers #i just think the general haste to read everything as CAT EVIL MIND CONTROL DYSTOPIAN HELLSCAPE is very boring actually.#like go read carroll fr #the ever after is an entire love letter to carroll #and i really do think you need to have a sense of how carroll’s wonderland #like. works #fundamentally #in order to get the most out of the ever after #bc the ever after is profoundly different and exactly the same

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fossadeileonixv · 2 years

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Summer Transfer Rumor BS Detector UPDATE!

The word UPDATE in CAPS makes it feel important, huh?

In my experience there are a few tell tale signs that are indicators of whether a transfer rumor is BS or not.

- If the rumor involves a player currently at a Russian club. Russian clubs are notoriously tough to deal with and generally they will ask for much more than the player is worth. What usually happens is that the player is rumored every year to go somewhere but doesn’t actually move until he is either a free agent (Honda or Criscito) or has less than a year left on his deal (Witsel)

What does this have to do with this years market?

Sadly this year it doesn’t really matter at all. There really are no rumors about players in Russia and most of the good players have left. At one point you could have included China in that group as well. Most of the decent players have left there as well. Now if you want to include Ukrainian teams, go ahead and believe them all. I’m sure the agents of those players are working triple time trying to get their players out of there ASAP.

- If the rumor involves a big time player from outside Italy with still a little gas in the tank. The easiest rumors are always Italian players that have gone elsewhere and failed. Immobile is a great example from the past.

What does this have to do with this years market?

Anything linking us to someone older than 25 I immediately trash. Only exception to that rule would be another striker. We are out of the banter era and no longer in the market for 29 year old has beens or never will bes.

BS LEVEL 8

- If the rumor involves a player that is available on a free this summer, be super skeptical. Any agent worth their salt is gonna float rumors almost daily to drive up the interest and price in their player. The more buzz around them, the more salary they will get and the more money the agent makes. Think guys like Ramsey and Rabiot at Juve. De Roon at Inter.

What does this have to do with this year market?

Fortunately we are not in the loop for a lot of these types since Maldini has made it clear we aren’t interested.

BS LEVEL 6

-If the rumor involves an English player…. like say Andy Carroll (one of my all-time favorite rumors) or Gary Cahill?

When was the last time a player of English descent came to Milan and succeeded? I don’t know. Maybe the 80s?

Sadly I will have to retire this one. Tomori came in and blew this straight out of the water. Same with Abraham at Roma. Good players are coming from England all the time now. Crazy, right?

BS LEVEL 11

Yes, this one does indeed go to 11.

- If the rumor involves an Italian or Serie A player that has gone to another league and fallen on their face. Think guys like Cerci, Immobile… the sorts that did well here, went abroad and failed miserably. Think Lukaku of late.

What does this have to do with this years market?

De Paul is linked to EVERYONE in Italy. Nuff said.

BS Level 3

Good luck deciphering the transfer window folks. The last time I let myself get really excited for someone coming during the January window was Tevez way back when. He eventually went to Juve, turned out to be a landmark signing for them and helped signal their turnaround.

We got crap...

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CURRENT TARGETS

I think you can read through the tea leaves a bit and see what’s going on. Keep in mind this year nothing can be official and registered until July 1. Right now nothing is real.

I’d consider Sanches and Botman done deals. Same with Origi. Like Maignan they have been rumored for months and I think it’s just a matter of time. Any rumors linking them elsewhere have very little solidity to them.

Carrasco from Athletico.... this has been recycled for 3-4 years now. Complete BS.

Berardi... great year but already getting to that age that worries. t’s now or never for him but I don’t see too many Serie A teams lining up for him. I think he missed his chance. Should have left 3 years ago. Either he stays at Sassuolo for life or leaves to say Turkey to chase the big bucks.

Ziyech... okay this is recycled from last year but even the I think it had legs. Older but still has speed to burn. Can play out wide or in the whole. Would be all for a loan with option for him.

Zaniolo... This one is tough. No way we are paying 40 50 for him. Heck I wouldn’t pay anything over 20, maybe 25. No one outside Italy is paying more than 12. Sure the ceiling is high but the floor is he is hurt again and hardly ever plays for you.

The random guy I’ve never heard of? I love these. This means it’s real and homework has been done. I’m not sure who that is yet. But they’re coming... you bet your ass they are coming.

Noa Lang might fall into that category. Same with this De Ketelaere guy. Or maybe there’s someone else?

Bottom line is I think right now we have 3 in the bag (Sanches, Origi, Botman) and really only need 1 or 2 more to really shore things up. Don’t forget we also have Pobega returning. We also need to make a decision on Messias. Let’s get this all wrapped up within a week or so of the window opening. The season starts in 9 weeks. There’s no time to fool around.

In the meantime fire away folks. Who do you want to see? Who’s your dream guy? Who worries you!

FORZA MILAN!

Lisi

PS: I’m still celebrating the Scudetto and no one can stop me!

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feliciamontagues · 4 years

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My Ranking of Every Hercule Flambeau Episode (S01-S08)

There are some spoilers for S7 and S8, but they are fairly vague and pretty much the sort of thing that you might see on the official press release. So not true spoilers as such. Also this is totally subjective and the result of my own personal biases. It’s also behind the cut because it’s looooonnng.

8. The Two Deaths of Hercule Flambeau (s06e10)--

So, this episode is *fine*. It’s hardly the worst episode of the show, but it’s easily the weakest of the Flamby eps, despite their being a few isolated moments I enjoy. (Hercule getting a long overdue bedroom scene for one :P)

My main gripe is with this episode is the uneven way Lisandra Flambeau is written. The script seems to flip-flop over whether we are supposed to find her sympathetic or not. On one hand, many scenes imply that she genuinely loves Hercule despite them having a shotgun marriage after only a few days of knowing each other. On the other hand, she does not hesitate for a minute before poisoning an innocent (Fr. B) for no other reason than to hurt Flamby, which makes her lose a lot of sympathy points.

And as a result, it seems to make Flambeau seem like more of arse than normal for betraying her, while somehow also absolving him of responsibility for doing so, because she turns around and does *THAT.*

And ngl, it does make me a little uncomfortable that while the character of Lisandra (as an Italian) is possibly not meant to be interpreted as a POC, the actress portraying her definitely is. (Sara Martins is of Afro-Portuguese descent). Which makes the uneven characterization (and underwritten-ness) seem even more glaring, especially when compared to that of the other (white) women in Flambeau’s life (his first love Rebecca and his daughter Marianne, arguably Lady Felicia as well). It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth even if in all likelihood, the part wasn’t written with Sara Martins in mind.

I think a much more interesting approach to Lisandra would be to have intending to betray Flambeau all along. Maybe she had her own agenda for seducing Flamby, meanwhile he thinks he’s the one using her for his plan. Maybe she does develop some feelings for him along the way, but it only makes her hesitate for a moment before going ahead with her original plan. That way, she keeps her agency and isn’t reduced to the “woman scorned” stereotype while also leaving the writers free to ship Flamby with others in the future without seemingly endorsing guilt-free adultery .

Other random note: I can’t take parts of this episode seriously because the “Crown of Lombardy” is very obviously Guinevere’s crown from BBC Merlin with no attempt to alter or disguise it.

7. The Daughter of Autolycus (s04e05)--

Not gonna lie, I am not really a fan of “character has long lost relative that we’ve never heard of until now” plots. And that goes double when said long-lost relative is a child or sibling. As such my low ranking of this episode is partly due to unconscious personal biases against that trope.

That being said, if we had to get a long-lost relative that we’ve never heard of until now plot, I’m so glad we got Marianne--even if it takes her another episode to really live up to her potential.

I have to knock off a few more points for Nero Hound as a villain. For one thing, he was played by Nancy Carroll’s real-life hubby, but they didn’t let let him interact with Lady F at all. Such a *waste.* Also Nero Hound is far too similar a name to Nero Wolfe, and I’ve definitely confused them on more than one occasion). He’s also rather generic in my opinion, even compared to some of Flambeau’s other “generic mobster” rivals/associates like the ones in S8.

However, there are some moments in this episode I genuinely like--particularly the theft “imagine spot” and Flambeau’s bishop disguise in general. Plus, the scenes where Flambeau and Marianne appear together are excellent, as are the hints that Marianne will become a redemptive trigger in Flambeau’s life.

6. The Judgement of Man (s03e10)--

Again, the low ranking of this one may be due to personal biases. In this case, I’m still low-key bitter--five years later-- at the BBC marketing department for baiting me with the idea of Flambeau actually interacting with the rest of the squad (esp romantic tiems with Lady F) and then giving me the absolute minimum of Felicia/Flambeau flirting and no Flambeau/Sid and Flambeau/Mrs. M interaction.

But there are other reasons why this is in my bottom 3 Flambeau episodes.

Honestly, I feel like an equally compelling episode about the Vatican’s complicity in Nazi art theft could’ve been made without having to insert Flambeau in it. I mean I suppose it does make sense to have the art thief character in the art episode, but still I feel like both Flambeau backstory and important historical lesson about Nazis, the Church, and Jewish art suffer from being crammed into the same episode.

That being said, Mrs. McCarthy’s duchess disguise in this episode cleared my skin, watered my crops, etc, which is why I’ve ranked it higher than the previous two.

5. The Folly of Jephthah (s08e05)

It loses a few points because I got very exited about the idea of Marianne becoming Bunty’s thief gf cool new friend, and yet in the episode itself, they only shared one scene and didn’t really interact much in it. That being said, I did like like that Bunty and Mrs. M had a bigger role in this episode than the squad usually gets in Flambeau episodes.

Overall, I feel this episode works a lot better than most of the other “backstory-heavy” Flambeau episodes, because we’ve already gotten the Marianne-related exposition out of the way and can focus more on allowing her character, Flambeau’s and their relationship with each other to develop.

I’m also a bit smug in that I predicted (or at least hoped for) this exact character arc for Marianne within a few weeks of “The Daughter of Autocylus” airing and that my hopes came to fruition so beautifully.

It doesn’t particularly impact the ranking too much, but I do feel like this episode deserves a special shout out, because it has established a (hopefully-continuing!) pattern of Father Brown calling Flamby almost exclusively by his first name, which is a major significant step in their bromance and deserves recognition as such.

4. The Blue Cross (s01e10)--

As someone who was first exposed to Father Brown through reading the stories for a college course, I always find it especially interesting to look at the episodes that were adapted from Chesterton.

This episode is neither the most faithful book-to-show adaptation (which is probably “The Three Tools of Death”) nor is it the best (imo “The Sign of the Broken Sword’) , but it is arguably the most significant. “The Blue Cross” was the first ever Fr. Brown story and is probably the most well-known. It’s also the first real look we get at the character of Flambeau, who (in the stories and arguably the show as well) is probably the closest thing we get to a clear character arc.

The show keeps some of the important elements of the short story: Flambeau’s clergyman disguise, the switching of the packages. But it also has the challenging task of upping the relatively low stakes of the story, as well as introducing a major recurring character that resembles his book counterpart but remains distinct enough to justify the fairly different direction show canon is taking him.

The show does this reasonably well--if not particularly imaginatively. I do enjoy some of the touches (I’ve written an entire meta before about Flamby’s reading material on the train and how it relates to his character)--particularly the show’s choice to have Flambeau fixated on religious art specifically (RIP for Flambeau’s Dairy Company though. It will always live in my heart).

Unfortunately in the adaptation, loses a few points for not really using the show-original characters particularly effectively. It loses still more for Flambeau’s characterization in this episode . He comes across as much more serious and menacing in this episode than in all the others. It works okay when we consider this as a standalone episode but provides some glaring Early Installment Weirdness when we compare it to other episodes.

3. The Penitent Man (s05e15)--

So as the rest of this list will testify, I have strong preference for the “fun” Flambeau episodes over the more series ones. This is the exception that proves the rule--the serious, cerebral, melancholy episode that simply “works” for me in the way that some of the others have not.

A lot of it is due to the more-intense-than-usual Flambeau character focus that goes into this. Sure, we’ve met his (presumably ex-by-now) wife, his daughter, and his first love by this point, but all of those episodes focused primarily on Flambeau as an extension of the relationships with others. (”The Judgement of Man” in particular is far more Rebecca’s story than Hercule’s.)

Whereas this episode is very definitively focused on Flambeau himself and allows more nuanced exploration of two of the most defining facets of Flambeau’s character: (1) his fascination with religion--and spiritual salvation in particular-- as something he seems to resist and crave in near equal measure (2) his almost masochistic streak of recklessness.

Even though Flambeau’s supposed “piety” is revealed to be all part of his heist plan, there are strong hints that his desire for redemption and atonement are at least somewhat genuine, even if he is not ready to pursue them just yet.

Off topic, but a few random things of note in this episode: this episode all-but-confirms bi!Flambeau, wet!Flambeau at the end is extremely relevant to my interests, Father Brown attempts to smuggle Flamby a lock pick from the beginning and has the audacity to say “ I only use it when I get locked out of the presbytery.”

Also, it has this iconic exchange:

Goodfellow: What is that awful smell?

Father Brown (covered in sewage): It’s me

2. The Honorable Thief (S07e10)-- So nearly all of the Flambeau-centered episodes from S3 on have been a little preoccupied with filling in some of the gaps in Flambeau’s backstory, which is *fine*, but honestly, I feel like in doing so, they’ve really lost sight of why we fell in love with the character in the first place.

He’s vibrant and clever and funny and over-the-top. But most importantly, Flambeau is a lot of fun. Therefore, it follows that episodes that feature him should be a lot of fun too.

And well... they are all fun in some way, but they aren’t as fun as they really could be. John Light is insanely charismatic, but charisma can only go so far when the episode in question is a downer.

Fortunately, this episode is the furthest thing from a downer imaginable. It’s absolutely delightful from start to finish. The plot is serious enough to keep things engaging, but also light enough to keep us from getting too distracted by angst.

I’m also incredibly biased in favor of this episode, because it finally gave me the Felicia/Flambeau ship tease I’d been passionately hoping for (if not really expecting to get after “The Judgement of Man” disappointed me). But it was so much and so good, and I wasn’t ready for it.

In a broader sense though, this episode really delivered with Flambeau/squad interaction in general--which was a key component that has been missing from most of the other episodes. And the Father Brown & Flambeau interactions were also has heartwarming and funny as they always are.

If I have one tiny little gripe with the episode, it’s that Daniel is not Sid. He has enough broad similarities with Sid that I can’t help but wonder if the episode was originally written with Sid and then hastily re-written when Alex Price couldn’t return. That being said, he was a likable enough guest character in his own right, and I wouldn’t mind seeing him again.

1. The Mysteries of the Rosary (S02e05)-- Perfection. Not only is this THE definitive Flambeau episode, but is also one of the best episodes of the show overall. It has everything: the birth of bearded Flamby, bromantic road trips, a treasure hunt, great guest turns from Anton Lesser and Sylvestra Le Touzel.

I think part of the reason this episode resonates so strongly with me is that it’s really the first proper sense that we get of Show!Flambeau as a character. Sure we officially met him in “The Blue Cross,” but considering he didn’t show up until halfway through the episode and was in disguise for most of it, we didn’t really get much of a sense of who he is.

This episode changes all that and sets Flambeau up as the character we will know and love for the rest of the series--charming, urbane, funny, passionate, a carefree carpe diem exterior masking (or overcompensating for?) a sense of uncertainty and conflictedness.

Somewhat off topic, but as great an episode as this is for Flambeau’s character, it is nearly as wonderful for both Sid and Father Brown’s characters. We get to see Sid’s ease with Father Brown, the casual camraderie that the two of them have--as well as Sid’s protectiveness (and jealousy) when Flambeau decides to gatecrash their bromantic road trip.

Honestly, there are so many things that are great about this episode that I don’t think I could possibly list them--but one little detail that really struck my the last time I watched was that the first proper glimpse we see of Flambeau in this episode (we see him in shadow in a flashback before) involves him saving Father Brown’s life. Whereas the last proper glimpse we see of Flambeau is after Father Brown has saved Flambeau’s life. Thematic reversals. Cinematic parallels. We love to see it.

#father brown #bbc father brown #hercule flambeau #the adhd hitting hard; this was in my drafts for well over a year #that's right another flamby episode aired and had to be added before i finally finished it #that being said i really enjoyed it #let me know if you want me to rank more things #like i don't think i could rank every episode; but perhaps every episode in a given season #or the seasons themselves #or the top 5 best or worst episodes--either in general or for a particular character #meta #misc #one of these days i'm gonna go full feral english major and write a giant character analysis on book flamby vs show flamby #and all the interesting adaptational implications and nuanced writing choice of #mon petit gallique merde

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theworstbob · 7 years

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yellin’ at songs, 5.19.2007 & 5.20.2017

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and last year this week.

5.19.2007

27) "(You Want To) Make a Memory," Bon Jovi

I was so fucking stoked for a real-ass power ballad before I remembered that Bon Jovi was country in 2007. This song was boring. It's kind of weird, though, like, a couple weeks ago, I argued that, if you're gonna name your song something like "Johnny Cash" or "Marvin Gaye," you need to produce something on par with your song's namesake's catalogue so that people can justify listening to your nonsense instead of their works. This is a spin on that idea: how rough is it to be Bon Jovi and have to justify your continued existence when people liked the things you already made? Like imagine trying to tell people that this pop/country ballad deserves a place on your shelf alongside "You Give Love a Bad Name." The burden of expectation is rough, and I try to evaluate songs based on what they are and not what they could be but like I could have listened to "You Give Love a Bad Name."

53) "Working Class Hero," Green Day

Socialism is so hot right now. Look at all these Johnny-come-lefties hopping on the bandwagon now that the cool grandpa from the election made socialism palatable for a mass audience. Fucking poseurs. REAL socialists have been on board ever since they heard that one Green Day cover when they were 17.

77) "Do it Just Like a Rockstar," Freak Nasty ft./Crazy Mike

My first thought upon seeing this song was, wow, the turnaround time on this ripoff is outstanding! I'm glad they could get Saunter the Jewels to collaborate on this, impressive work! And then I sat down to listen to this song, and it was... this? To call the production quality of this track amateurish would be an insult to amateurs. This was fucking awful. But not only that, when I tried to FIND this song on The Youtube, dot com, I was directed to the Freak Nasty - Topic page I am used to seeing for the bar bands I enjoyed as a teen, the - Topic page for the songs no one remembered. YouTube thought I was searching for "Party Like a Rockstar," and that is fair. This is all the research I cared to do: according to Wikipedia, this was indexed on iTunes as "Party Like a Rockstar," and it was indexed as such for two weeks before the Shop Boyz released "Party Like a Rockstar" digitally. 30,000 people bought this song thinking it was a GOOD shitty song, and they ended up with this nonsense because this song so shitty the people in charge of putting it onto the internet didn't even bother to get the title right. This song just randomly made $30,000 one day. I don't know what Freak Nasty's cut of the profits was, but I hope he bought something fun with his bonus. I want an oral history of this song immediately.

93) "Lean Like a Cholo," Down AKA Kilo

I don't have a lot of things to say about this one. After listening to Freak Nasty, I was excited to hear something akin to production values, and hey: rapper of Mexican heritage! Always interesting! This song is bad? But, hey, sometimes debut singles are safe, they aim to do nothing more than get someone to dance so you associate the artist with something that made you feel good and thus come to associate that artist with a good feeling, and as the artist builds that trust with their audience that they will supply the good feeling, they will create more complex and more satisfying works. I electing not to find out of Down AKA Kilo has created the Mexican To Pimp a Butterfly, because this song is bad, but I am not ruling out the possibility that he has created works of some worth.

You’ll never guess what the 2007 Top 20 looks like: 20) "When I See U," by Fantasia (4.21.2007) 19) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 18) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 17) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 16) "Breath," by Breaking Benjamin (4.14.2007) 15) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 14) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 13) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 12) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 11) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 10) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 9) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 8) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 7) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 6) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 5) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 4) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 3) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) And next week, we get an R. Kelly song! That’ll be a fun thing to deal with!

5.20.2017

1) "I'm the One," by DJ Khaled ft./Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper & Lil Wayne

Between the Fall Out Boy disaster not making a debut and this breezy summer jam, I'ma say 2017 clinched the W right off the bat. This, like "Cake" and "Swalla" before it, is simply a fun if slightly repugnant good time. (I don't think anyone needed to hear Chance the Rapper talk about how he makes the pussy melt. Like, come on, dude.) This is a series intended on making me think about the things I listen to, and this is a song that insists you not think for five minutes, so this song and I value much different things in life, but I will not deny that this is a fun-ass beat.

61) "1-800-273-8255," by Logic ft./Alessia Cara & Khalid

This is a song by people who have never been depressed but have read several tweet threads about mental illness and decided they had to Say Something. This is the first draft of the worst Atmosphere song, a song in which someone scared of their own darkness tries to inhabit a character enveloped by it. "What's the day without a little night?" Depression is not just a little night, you stu -- and I know you're trying to help, I understand that I'm the bad guy because I'm complaining about the suicide hotline song, but depression isn't something you go through, it's something you live with. I don't think anyone on this track understands that. I don't think it earns its message, and -- fuck's sake, THIS is the beat you're gonna use to tell me life is worth living? THIS is the backing track you think is gonna convince people to call the suicide hotline? This plodding go-nowhere PBRnB bullshit? Fuck off, man. Yeah, maybe the "I'm the One" beat would be an inappropriate call here, but you've gotta do SOMETHING more dramatic. Shit, man, someone's on the phone saying they wanna end their life, and this song sounds like someone saying, "Eh. Life's cool. Y'all should keep tryin' it, iono. You sure you're not just sad that it's raining? Eh, weather. We've had some rain past few days, people need the sun."

67) "First Time," by Kygo & Ellie Goulding

"We were sippin' on emotion/Smoking and inhaling every moment." WHO THE FUCK WRITES LYRICS FOR KYGO BECAUSE THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND I LOVE THEM. Alright, between this and "It Ain't Me," I am all in on the Kygo bandwagon. He is the official EDMer of YAS. He makes songs about loving life that don’t feel like the saddest thing in the world, and I don’t know enough about him to know I should hate him like I do with Calvin Harris or The Chainsmokers. Good job, Kygo!

70) "Thunder," by Imagine Dragons

...You know, you guys didn't listen to "Hard Times" last week. No shade. I knew it was gonna have a short life on the chart if it had any life at all. But, uh, this has a higher debut? And it's probably gonna last longer? And also, this isn't related, but "do re mi" hung around for another week? I dunno. I just remember a time when our rock bands actually rocked, and that time was last week, because that Paramore song is great, and I would much prefer to think about "Hard Times" than whatever this was. Isn't this the same song as "Believer?" Like, that song was about how stoked Imagine Dragons is to be famous, this song is about how stoked Imagine Dragons is to be famous? Am I willfully misinterpreting things for the sake of having something to say, or do I have a legit thing to say? Who cares. Final review of “Thunder:” "Hard Times" is song of the year 2017.

76) "Bon Appetit," by Katy Perry ft./Migos

The most useful thing this song did is have the individual members of Migos say their names before their verse so that a polite audience who has been listening to "Bad & Boujee" for six months no longer had to wonder if it was OK to ask, or if they should have already known. Takeoff is the one with the deep gravel voice, Offset is the one with hella Southern drawl, and Quavo is the Good one. Thanks, "Bon Appetit!" You were otherwise worthless, oh boy just what I needed another Katy Perry song with a thuddingly stupid sexual metaphor (bob didn’t you like that jason derulo song) THAT’S JUST THUDDINGLY STUPID JASON DERULO DON’T FUCK WITH METAPHORS LET ME HAVE MY CONTRADICTIONS, but you have provided a world with a Dummies' Guide to ATL, and I will never forget you for doing this favor for me.

87) "Pirvacy," by Chris Brown

I am not going to listen to this for the obvious reasons, but I have to imagine a Chris Brown song called "Privacy" is the worst fucking thing imaginable. Is this fucknugget seriously releasing a 40-track double album? Not only is he not punished for the Riahnna thing, he's given ARTISTIC FREEDOM!?

90) "Slow Hands," by Niall Horan

90?! Yikes! If this 1D song couldn't even crack Top 80, I can't imagine how much worse it is than "Sign of the Times" or ZAYN's solo stuff. /// Oh, this was nice! Teens! This nice sweet boy made a fine song! Why are you ignoring him? This is the song Charlie Puth has been trying to make for the last three years. Which isn't to say it's good white boy soul, I think Niall Horan is a years' worth of pain away from being able to pull off solid white boy soul, but it's acceptable trash. If I saw this trash lying on the street, I wouldn't be happy to see it, but I'd be 90% sure it's compostable, and while I'm not quite sure what that means I'm pretty sure that means it won't harm the world. Bob please edit that comparison before you hit publish, love, your future self who wants to be taken seriously.

91) "Magnolia," by Playboi Carti

A'ight. This was pretty cool. Y'know what? We're gonna take a shower, we're gonna hit up another One Directioneer song, and we're gonna come back to you, but the early prognosis on Playboi Carti is that he is Not Bad.

93) "Sweet Creature," by Harry Styles

Oh. Oh, THIS is how you get me to appreciate "Sign of the Times." This. The most WGWAG-y thing I've had to listen to on the chart so far. Mind you, I had to listen to a whole Ed Sheeran album as part of this project. I did not make that statement without being abso-damn-lutely sure this was the most WGWAG nonsense of 2017 so far.

100) "wokeuplikethis," by Playboi Carti ft./Lil Uzi Vert

There's this stream that sometimes pops up in my YouTube recommendations called "lo-fi hip-hop beats to relax/study to," I'm sure it pops up for you as well, I'm sure it's an astoundingly popular stream, and with this and the other song, I'm not sure this young man really elevates above "patron saint of the lo-fi hip-ho beats stream." I didn't mind this song, but I also found other things to do when I was listening to this song, and the same is true of "Magnolia." I'm sure Carti doesn't aspire to be background noise, but whatever ambitions he may have didn't find their way into the songs I've heard so far. I have little sense of who he is, I just know I started reading a cool-seeming article about microcelebrity while he was doing his thing. It's Not Bad. It's not worth thinking about. I'm more concerned with the second bit.

HUGE changes to 2017′s Top 20 this week. 20) "First Time," by Kygo ft./Ellie Goulding (5.20) 19) "Heatstroke," by Calvin Harris ft./Young Thug, Pharrell Williams & Ariana Grande (4.22) 18) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 17) "You Look Good," by Lady Antebellum (4.22) 16) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 15) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 14) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 13) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 12) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 11) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 10) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 9) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 8) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) We are almost almost at the point where I can give a glowing review to a song that doesn’t make the Top 20.

Who won? 2017. It’s really hard to argue the virtues of any of the songs 2007 gave us this week, especially when you consider that one of them debuted accidentally. Chris Brown might’ve been too much weight to carry on a good week for 2007, but 2017 manages to carry it to the top. I will remember precisely one of these songs by this time next week. Pop music is bad why am I making myself listen to so much of it I have had a bad idea what am I doing 2017: 5 2007: 3

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theworstbob · 7 years

Text

yellin’ at songs: 5.5.2007 & 5.6.2017

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and this week ten years ago

5.5.2007

41) "Big Girls Don't Cry," Fergie

This is the second Fergie song I actually enjoyed once I was able to separate it from the whole thing that Fergie was, which means we're one away from this being a trend and the funding of a Song-From-Artist Extraction Chamber becoming necessary. If this song had been given to Pink, it might be a classic. If it had been given to noted YAS hero Jordan Pruitt, I could say it was a buried treasure, but because we gave it to Fergie, I have to defend the fact I sort of dug this song. I don't use the term "guilty pleasure" because why on earth should I feel guilty for finding pleasure, but it IS weird to sit here on a Sunday morning and enjoy a Fergie song and have to formulate a defense for it. I dunno, "I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket" is a kind of touching lyric. If we'd given it to someone who could actually say words (all these years I thought she was saying "a child miss a step blanket"), we'd be more fond of it.

63) "A Different World," Bucky Covnington

THINGS THAT ARE GOOD, AS TOLD BY BUCKY COVINGTON'S 2007 SMASH HIT "A DIFFERENT WORLD:" ~Expecting mothers smoking and drinking ~Babies sleeping in cribs painted with lead-based paint ~Child abuse ~Being an adult person named Bucky ~Kids not making the football team, their carefree days ending at the realization that life is a long parade of disappointments (a parade which includes parades) ~Drinking from garden hoses, and I agree that it would be nice if clean water were readily available, but this seems less like something that millennials made happen with video games and more a problem with various local governments? Specifically Flint’s? Flint still doesn’t have clean water, and I understand there’s no way this ten-year-old song could possibly know this, but this line is making me angry today! ~Schools being closed on Sunday (which... they... still... are?) Bucky Covington sings this song about how "we," which I would imagine includes Bucky Covington, grew up without video games. Bucky Covington was born in 1977. Pong dropped in 1972. This entire song is garbage. Speaking of garbage: you remember when we didn’t have to sort recyclables from the trash? It was a simpler time. A BETTER time, daresay. We didn't die, so, it wasn't bad.

80) "Party Like a Rockstar," Shop Boyz

This song is the real America. Big, dumb, loud, and proud of all its excess. One example cited of partying like a rock star is golfing with Ozzy Osbourne and his family. This is the only recorded instance of anyone thinking golf was a party.

88) "Lucky Man," Montgomery Gentry

/looks at this country dude song /looks at the country dude song two songs ago /looks at the five country dude songs still to come /looks at "Lucky Man," the j-pop song by arashi The Arashi boys are back in town! Sho once again stakes his claim as 2007's greatest living MC, and the funky track imbues the song with a boundless energy only the Arashi boys bring to the table! Another A+! Have they ever done wrong?

90) "When You're Gone," Avril Lavigne

My favorite part of this song was the 15 seconds of "Freedom," by Beyonce ft./Kendrick Lamar, that played in the Apple ad before the actual song started. This is a song that's bad no matter who you give it to. It's just schlock, and then they went ahead and made everything so... Extra? This song is extra. Avril is belting the absolute best that she can and goodness she is trying her heart out, yet she's still somehow drowned out by the strings. There is nothing subtle about this song. I don't know what the notes process is like for records, but someone in the studio should've given this song a note that said "calm the hell down."

93) "Don't Make Me," Blake Shelton

Blake Shelton has been a country music institution for something like 15 years, he's probably its most visible artist in the mainstream world, and I cannot for the life of me tell you what the most iconic Blake Shelton song is. He has 23 #1 country hits. Is there any one you can point to and say, "That is the best Blake Shelton song?" Is the best Blake Shelton song something country music fans argue like we might over Mariah Carey's catalogue? Is it even worth arguing? I dunno. Blake Shelton is sort of the Drake of country music. He just does the same shit over and over again, but people really dig the same thing over and over again, so they keep listening, but there's no one moment we can point to and say, "Only Blake Shelton could have made that happen." I don't feel like it's expecting too much to expect iconic pop artists to make iconic songs. "Some Beach" kinda goes, I guess. That's not enough! Fuck's sake, even Luke Bryan has "All My Friends Say."

94) "A Feelin' Like That," Gary Allan

This dude says his girlfriend's more beautiful than the Great Barrier Reef, and I am so thrilled that there is something in one of these country dude songs I could enjoy. That's how it's DONE, man. Hyperbole is your friend when you're making a song about some non-specific feeling a woman gives you. Is this the song Flight of the Conchords is parodying when they sing "If You're Into It?" Absolutely, but goddamnit, if someone told me I gave them a more intense emotional rush than one of the great natural wonders of this earth, I'd fuck 'em.

95) "Wrapped," George Strait

yeah i guess i liked this. you give me the lyrics to this song and four other country songs with the word "wrapped" in it, i'm not sure i could pick it out, but, y'know, it killed a few minutes in a manner that wasn't unpleasant. i wouldn't say "yecch" if someone performed this at a karaoke. i might say "interesting choice," i might not believe this is the song their heart has felt the most, but i wouldn't say no.

97) "Johnny Cash," Jason Aldean

The thing about this song is the same thing I had with that "Marvin Gaye" trash from a couple years back: if you're going to name your song after an iconic artist, you have to give me reason to believe that there is more value to be gained from your tribute than there is from just listening to one of that artist's songs. In a sense, the song you offer me with that title has to be on par with the best entries in their catalogue. I don't know why I would listen to a song about a young couple listening to Johnny Cash when there are hundreds of actual Johnny Cash recordings out there that all punch this song in its stupid face. I don't think this is an unreasonable expectation. If you're naming your song after a legend, your song should be legendary. This is the fifth-best country dude song I've heard in the last hour, and all told, it's probably gonna end up #6. That makes it bullshit.

98) "Me and God," Josh Turner

I'm not really qualified to address Christian music. It's easy to call out when something is pandering, like that Florida Georgia Line mess 2017 dredged up a few weeks back, but a song like this, where a young man is earnestly singing about his relationship with God, that's so far away from my alley, I'm not 100% sure we're even in the same tri-county area. I recognize that this song isn't made for people like me, and it'd be unfair to make fun because it's, y'know, not trying to sell itself to me, it's just trying to say, "God's my buddy!" Do you. Doesn't sound like you're using it to hurt anyone, so do you, Josh.

99) "Dig," Incubus

Given how horribly Papa Roach's whole thing has aged compared to Incubus' whole thing -- i THINK we all still like "Drive," and "Anna Molly" goes hard as hell -- I really wish I liked that one Papa Roach song less than this Incubus song, but man, this Incubus song and I never really met. ...Yeah, you’re right, you didn’t come here to read me seriously contemplating my buttrock feelings, I’ll stop there. Video’s cool. I like the heart-lip girl digging the dude out of his head, that was dope. You sure you don’t wanna read my buttrock power rankings? You sure you don’t wanna take inventory of my buttrock feelings? I have a lot of opinions on this genre! I think you’re really missin’ out! Ah, we’ll catch up on ‘em later, lotta 2007 still to come, I’ll hit you up with that buttrock good-good when it’s time to talk about Finger Eleven.

Well. 2007 Top 20. It’s the same as last week’s. 20) "Que Hiciste," by Jennifer Lopez (4.28.2007) 19) "When I See U," by Fantasia (4.21.2007) 18) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 17) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 16) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 15) "Breath," by Breaking Benjamin (4.14.2007) 14) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 13) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 12) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 11) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 10) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 9) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 8) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 7) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 6) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 5) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 4) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 3) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) Alright, 2017. 2007 gave me seven country dude songs, and you will have at least one cut off DAMN. If anyone can fuck this up, it’s you. I’m excited.

5.6.2017

4) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar 14) "LOYALTY." by Kendrick Lamar ft./Rihanna 16) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar 18) "LOVE." by Kendrick Lamar ft./Zacari 32) "YAH." by Kendrick Lamar 33) "XXX." by Kendrick Lamar ft./U2 35) "FEEL." by Kendrick Lamar 37) "PRIDE." by Kendrick Lamar 42) "LUST." by Kendrick Lamar 50) "FEAR." by Kendrick Lamar 54) "BLOOD." by Kendrick Lamar 58) "GOD." by Kendrick Lamar 63) "DUCKWORTH." by Kendrick Lamar

DAMN. is a classic record that has grown on me in the week and a half I have spent with it, which is amazing given that my relatively lukewarm first impression was that it was a classic, and I have no qualms with any of these songs making the list. I do have some reservations about songs that are never going to make it to radio (whatever that means in 2017) making my personal Top 20, but at the same time, I can say I've only liked three songs in the field more than I liked "ELEMENT." Even "HUMBLE." has grown on me, now that I've heard it in the context of the album (and that beat, I mean hell). These are all Very Good Songs and like I'm not gonna put all of them in the Top 20? but hmm I wonder which I like more, every song off DAMN. or any Lady Antebellum song. Tough choice.

39) "The Cure," by Lady Gaga

I pretty much dig this song for what it is, a nice kinda-EDM-y kinda-'80s-y synth jam, but I'm disappointed that this sounds like A Good Song and not A Gaga Song. It's fine! I accept this, it's a treat and I enjoyed all three minutes, but if I had first heard this song being covered on The Voice or something, there's no way in hell I would've pegged this as a Gaga song. Like, this is the safest song I've ever heard bearing her name. It's a nice song, though. Aside from the complaints just registered, I will register no complaints.

76) "Good Life," by G-Eazy & Kehlani

"I bought the crib and it's in escrow now." Is this like an elaborate I'm Still Here satire/prank of the concept of a white rapper? He talked about closing escrow on a home. Who the fuck. This song is what happens when Drake and Rihanna cancel and you have to grab two people off the street to impersonate them and hope they're good enough mimics that no one can tell the difference.

78) "Peek a Boo," by Lil Yachty ft./Migos

YOU KNOW HOW YOU MAKE THIS SONG INSTANTLY A THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES BETTER WITHOUT LOSING ANYTHING? "Give her the shocker like Pikachu." YOU WERE SO FUCKING CLOSE. "Give her the shocker like Pikachu." LIKE THREE DRAFTS AWAY IF YOU GAVE THIS SONG FIVE MINUTES TO BREATHE BEFORE SCHLEPPIN' IT TO THE BOOTH, YOU COULD HAVE HAD "GIVE HER THE SHOCKER LIKE PIKACHU." I think this song is fine? I dunno, I like the noise Yachty is making behind this song, it's a quality noise. Not bad! Not, y'know, good, and it's actually a failure when you realize how close it was to being amazing GIVE HER THE SHOCKER LIKE PIKACHU. YOU RHYME PEEKABOO WITH PIKACHU AT THE END OF THE SONG. WE WERE SO CLOSE TO ACHIEVING THE PERFECT SONG. Y'all fucked up. I can't believe you kids failed me like this!, but other than the fact it’s a profound disappointment it’s a’ight.

87) "Black Spiderman," by Logic ft./Damian Lemar Hudson

OK. OK, I think, after two songs, I understand what Logic is: he's the most accessible rapper for someone who just listened to Hamilton for the first time and wants to start checking out real hip-hop. Because if you go straight from Hamilton to Danny Brown, man, you're gonna get the bends, y'all ain't ready for "Ain't It Funny" at all, that is a rough 180 to try to navigate, you gotta hit this dude up first. It's a positive song with little to no misogynistic language, but still hard enough that it might put off some people who were initially into the nice man who did raps about the $10 man. If you can listen to this and still want to go deeper, then you listen to Chance, then Tribe or The Roots, and then you're ready for Kendrick. It's rap for people who don't listen to rap, is what I'm trying to say. It's its own fun little thing, but this song is what it sounds like when your biggest worry in life is about a dog you saw on the internet which was in a stressful situation. Hope the dog can make it! It looks so worried, poor puppers!

93) "Broken Halos," by Chris Stapleton

It's country Kendrick! And it's country "HUMBLE." in that I'm not immediately sure how much I dig it, but I know I dig it way more than I dug all the shit I had to listen to Sunday morning for this stupid post. Chris Stapleton got big making traditional country music, and I think it might be because he got big doing this that now this feels like paint-by-numbers Stapleton. Sad gravel man growling over an acoustic guitar some lazy religious metaphor, I dunno, it kicks most other country songs' ass, but I would honestly argue "Craving You" is a riskier move than this song. I think I might revisit this and Gaga's songs in a few weeks and realize I liked them way more than I initially did and I was just being a Tuesday evening grumplord for no reason, but this is the opinion of record, is that this song is just standard-issue Chris Stapleton but Chris Stapleton being a thing whcih comes standard-issue is more good than bad.

99) "The Night We Met," by Lord Huron

It's the last song of the week, and it's a haunting indie song from the Netflix teen mystery drama. Looks like I'm clockin' out early, boys and girls! Sorry! Ain't got nothin' for ya here! This song's pretty dope! GOODBYEEEEEEEEEEEE!

The Top 20, where we dumped “The Heart Part 4″ a little bit because I felt it was appropriate: 20) "The Cure," by Lady Gaga (5.6) 19) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 18) "Heatstroke," by Calvin Harris ft./Young Thug, Pharrell Williams & Ariana Grande (4.22) 17) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 16) "You Look Good," by Lady Antebellum (4.22) 15) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 14) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 13) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 12) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 11) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 10) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 9) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 8) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 7) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 6) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 5) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 4) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 1) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) Hey, “Despacito” made the top ten in Kendrick week! That’s an insane accomplishment! I see it carries an “+ Justin Bieber” credit, now! There is no reconsideration of “Despacito” forthcoming. I choose to only acknowledge “Despacito” in its original form.

Who won?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm a kendrick album or a bunch of dudes in cowboy hats. 2017, y’all brought a gun to a knife fight. where the hell was this last week. 2007: 3 2017: 3 So next week, we get new Paramore (probably) stacked up against Josh Groban with a children’s choir. I’m liking 2017′s odds at a repeat. Come on, friend! 2007′s taking a few weeks off, it looks like, NOW’S YOUR CHANCE!

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