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moonshinemagpie · 3 months

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in which I see Real Movies for the very first time

When I looked back on the movies I watched in 2023, I was a little sad to realize I had only watched a bunch of Scooby-Doo movies, Barbie (which was stupid), Jennifer Lawrence's comedy No Hard Feelings (which was also stupid), and Die Hard (which I hated).

Near the end of December I was trying to force myself through the Mario movie, because it was on Netflix and a bunch of people had told me to see it. And I was about 15 minutes in and found myself thinking, I wish I were dead. There's more than an hour left and I have lost my will to live.

And then I remembered: I did not have to watch the Mario movie.

I can't explain this. It was like waking up from a spell.

I stopped the movie. I thought, Movies are for normalizing exploitative, hypermasculine violence and selling toys. I will never watch another movie ever again.

Then I thought: Is it movies I don't like? Or is it corporate, militaristic americana bullshit?

I did not know the answer. I decided to try to find the answer by starting my New Years resolution: Stop Watching Bad Movies I Hate and Watch Good Ones Instead.

Here's what I've seen so far, in order:

14 movies. 4 languages. 4 new releases. 1 classic. 5 women directors. 1 rewatch. An unexpected number of anti-imperialist Irish movies.

Yeah, so. I like movies. A lot, maybe. This month I felt like I traveled to London, Belfast, Lima, Tehran, Kampala, Mexico City, Paris, and New Zealand, and it was awesome.

Mini reviews:

Tar: Literally the best movie I've ever seen. Psychological, surreal, intense. A++

Hunger: Says "fuck you" to traditional storytelling arcs and also to the British. A+

Skinamarink: It didn't scare me but I respect its decisions. C

Charade: At one point Audrey Hepburn dips her finger into Cary Grant's chin cleft and says, "How do you shave in there?" At a later point Cary Grant says to her, "Hasn't it occurred to you that I'm having a tough time keeping my hands off you?" These moments were A+, but: This was like a proto-action movie, complete with chase scenes and shootouts, and I was so bored despite Audrey Hepburn being in it. It made me wonder: What if I refuse to watch any more movies that use violence for entertainment for the rest of 2024? What if?? Who can stop me???

The Wind that Shakes the Barley: A young Cillian Murphy fights the English in 1920's Ireland. Lots of violence but none of it for entertainment. A+

Kneecap: The true story of 3 Irish-language rappers from Belfast. I forgot how fun it is to watch high people perform on stage. A hilarious, well-written, well-plotted middle finger. A++

Don't Worry Darling: This deserves more acclaim than it got and I blame misogyny. The Truman Show but more thoughtful. A+

Lord of the Rings: You don't need me to review LOTR.

Sujo: About the son of a Mexican cartel gunman trying to break a cycle of violence. Slow, well-shot. B

Sebastian: About a gay writer in London who uses sex work to inform his fiction. Overlong. I recommend the French film Eastern Boys instead. B-

Reinas: About a Peruvian family in the 1990's trying to emigrate to the US. Made me remember my own childhood and also made me desperately want to visit Lima. Bright, beautiful, touching, with a dope soundtrack. A+

No Bears: Meta, fourth-wall-breaking Iranian film about a director named Jafar Panahi who's in trouble with the authorities. Directed by Jafar Panahi, who was shortly after imprisoned. A+

Belfast: About 1960's Belfast. A little simplistic. Not as good as the other Irish history films I saw this month. B

Queen of Katwe: Based on the real-life Ugandan chess champion Phiona Mutesi, who recently said she unreservedly loves this film. It's better imo than The Queen's Gambit. Chess isn't about making it to the world championship. Chess is about what keeps you afloat when your house floods. Chess is about showing up even when it's hard. Chess is about fulfilling the dream of one day buying your mama a home. A rare "inspirational" Disney film that didn't feel fake. A+

Going forward:

I want to watch more world cinema! Guys! I'd only ever seen one other film in Spanish in my whole life. This was my first time seeing an Iranian film. This is mostly because I didn't watch many movies to start with, but, again, maybe I would have watched more if it had dawned on me that I don't have to see cars driving fast after other cars in the last 30 minutes of every single god damned film.

I don't want to watch any action films this year. I'm so exhausted. I'm so tired. Hollywood, I think I hate you.

I want to watch weird whacky Japanese New Wave films and films about the Spanish Civil War and films that remind me of parts of my own childhood I haven't thought about in 15 years.

I feel so alive!!!

#movies #films

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