13 and 18!

country ask thingy

13. does your country (or family) have any specific superstitions or traditions that might seem strange to outsiders?

we, as malaysians, keep a LOT of tupperware (it's very useful yknow) i wouldn't say it's tradtion nor superstition though, more like a thing we all collectively do :D

18. do you speak with a dialect of your native language?

oh, of course! we usually say things with a 'la' at the end, as slang for " dude, come ONNN "

like for example! " kamu ni tak yah la nak berdegil sangat! (you don't have to be this stubborn, dude!) "

sejujurnya saya tak marah pon. saya tak marah pon when i wrote those texts for you. saya cuma fikir kenapa dah tak macam dulu. It's not even a year into our marriage yet and saya dah tgk macam2 perubahan ketara. sambil jalan balik rumah semalam i imagine hidup kita lagi 2 tahun macam ni and i hate it. saya tak nak this kind of marriage. orang lelaki selalu cakap perempuan ni kalau nak apa2 cakap la, korang ni bukan boleh baca fikiran perempuan. so i did. saya bagitau awak apa saya nak, banyak kali. you agree kan? saya bagitau awak banyak kali? tapi awak tak ingat dan tak buat. mula2 dulu saya ingatkan saya yang tak jelas so saya cakap lagi dan lagi. tapi semalam saya sedar, bukan saya yang cakap tak jelas. cuma awak je yang tak nak buat. and saya sedar, itu bukan salah saya lagi. tanggungjawab saya untuk selamatkan marriage ni dah settle sebab saya dah cakap banyak kali. tanggungjawab awak untuk buat atau tak je. kalau awak buat, great! thank you so much. tapi kalau awak tak buat, then it's ok. terpulang pada diri masing2. saya tak salahkan awak dan saya pon tak nak paksa awak lagi. cuma saya mintak kalau jadi apa2 in the future, jangan awak jadikan diri awak mangsa keadaan dan jangan awak salahkan saya "tiba2 berubah".

you grew up watching your parents loving each other. awak tak membasar dengan penceraian. you didn't grew up rasa insecure with relationship because your parents masih bersama. tapi saya tak. setiap perubahan kecik saya akan nampak dan perasan. setiap perubahan kecik akan buat saya overthinking dan berdebar apa akan jadi dgn hubungan ni. but like i said i don't blame you. itu perasaan saya and that's on me. and i know tu perasaan yang tak healthy so that's why saya try untuk tak amik hati lagi. i grew up wanting a fairytale marriage, and i still want it. saya tak rasa it's impossible to achieve. i didn't ask for money, i only ask for words and actions. tapi ye awak lain, saya lain. saya tunjukkan kasih sayang with my words and actions, awak mungkin idk dalam doa kot. saya dah terbiasa 7 tahun dengan awak, awak manjakan saya. always take care of me semua segi. but i guess as we grow older kita makin berubah la kan. priorities pon dah lain. dulu awak buat semua tu for me sebab awak nak buat. sekarang awak dah tak nak buat, i cannot blame you. i thought bila saya dah kahwin and dah ada suami, i can stop being the eldest daughter. i don't have to take care of anyone anymore because now i have a husband to take care of me and shower me with love that i never get from a father. tapi saya makin lupa pesan ibu jangan susahkan orang. and i guess pesanan tu masih kena pakai walaupon dah ada suami. jangan susahkan orang. so in the spirit of jangan lupa pesan ibu, saya tak nak susahkan awak physically, mentally or emotionally. i've been the eldest daughter for 25years of my life, i've been strong and tough and berdikari daripada kecik lagi and i can still do it. so you don't worry about me. saya ok, saya tak marah awak. if i don't ask for your help, maknanya saya masih boleh buat sendiri so don't feel bad.

All my life, only one time i cut off with a person before this, sebab memang tahap dia tak beradab langsung dalam friendship tu dah sampai tahap yang my forgiving heart tak boleh terima. Enough, begitu. But then not long after, kita lembut hati balik, maafkan balik although lepas tu tak sama dah.

Even so, my wearing-her-heart-on-her-sleeve self kadang senang je lagi nak extend myself only to be proven again and again and again (plural ni maksudnya dah banyak kali i gave grace & chances & husnuzhon sebab kononnya human relationships are not black & white) that this person doesn't deserve a certain version of me and access to me. And he's a guy.

And I'm a hardcore girlies girl. Not even once i cari pasal dengan girl, tak puas hati ke, dengki ke. Yillek. Orang yang for no reason nak compete with me(?) ada lah, when there's not even a competition. Pelik lah aku. I just literally do my own things in my own world, tak kacau orang, takde bitter dengan orang 🥲

My heart is extra extra extra soft with my girls, what more when we indeed have meaningful connections. 10 years of friendships (or even more) with the girls around me until this day, 10 tahun tu lah i was so forgiving so graceful so soft with all of them.

Diorang offended me? Okay takpe, understand their circumstances, give them the benefit of the doubt, husnuzhon, remember the good moments, maintain friendships. Cuz y'know, friendships! And we are learning the dīn together! Lofty Knowledge of dīn pula tu. Sepatutnya hati masing-masing tu dah bonded & connected at different level dah.

Hence why i'm so bitter right now. Bcs all these years, i did my best to be a good friend. My intention, as far as i'm aware of myself, had always been sincere. Sayang sangat my girls, so generous with my love and affections, so lover girl with my girls. That's why at one point, i'm burst out, girls.

Because if the roles were reversed, even the thought of the words and actions pun dah buat i realize yang if i do that, i'm so gonna hurt my friends. Just the thoughts, let alone nak actualize. So macam mana lagi i want to husnuzhon yang they were tak sengaja or under specific circumstances? Cuz if it were me, even before buat pun dah aware dah it's gonna hurt them & i won't hurt them.

And i have enough. 10 years of doing my best, and i have enough. Now, everytime i see their faces, i'm so bitter. I'm looking for my forgiving heart myself but i only find bitterness. I miss having to feel so blessed to have very intimate soul level companionships. Borderline rasa beribadah di jalan Allah for having friendship on the path of His Lofty Knowledge. But people are careless. They are careless when I did my best to be careful, so i cannot accept anymore.

"If i can do that, why couldn't she?"

"Do you think it's fair to think like that? People have different capacity."

Whattt?? Different capacity to be moral & ethical & considerate in friendships?! And i'm the wrong one to expect that?? Apa benda yang kita belajar tasawwuf selama ni, tentang akhlak mulia, tentang bersihkan hati tu? Ke rasa berbangga dengan diri sendiri je sebab belajar lofty knowledge? Rasa better than?

Y'know what, you girls really don't regard & respect me as much as i do you. I have enough.

Tipu tak rindu. Cuz with her lah i let out all my layers, my core. My core that even my parents don't know me that way. Tapi culas tu culas sangat. After i did my best for the sake of us, not just me. Kalau sayang tu, sayang betul. Risau tu, risau betul. When you did foolish things ruining yourself, not even a single demeaning word cuz i know you were tested & it's my responsibility as a friend to bring you out of the darkness, i gave you time & grace for you to process within your own pace, i was not forcing, stick by your side, hold you gently. But what did i get when it's my turn to be in the abyss? I wanted to run away from you.

Tapi Allah tu baik lagi. Dalam I'm losing my closest people although it's me sendiri yang letak boundaries cuz it's the only right thing i can think of for my state right now, Allah bagi lagi a good friend. But it's not the same. 9-10 years of soul companionship mana sama dengan not even a year of friendship although on the same path.

Usually it's with her i will ask random questions entah apa² like this. She did a lot too. We were naked to the core with each other.

If you told me you'll text me if you're free, you will hold on to your word to me when you're free and I will definitely wait for you checking my notification sounds on my phone, since knowing you're at work, I can't disturb you.

You don't guilt trip or gaslight me saying "Senpai tak rindu I ke?/Senpai don't miss me anymore?", ok hun, I waited for you until you have your free time, don't throw me that nonsense, what makes you suddenly think that way about me? Because you keep doubting me even though we never met each other in person.

Even in next few months your inner heart of you wanting to be the best girl for me is gone. My only regret is that I didn't tell you that you don't need to impress me when you told me my body is fit and slim (which I'm not) since you were insecure about yourself physically, instead I told you about achieving our body goals, which up until now we haven't achieved that and I can sense you were tired mentally and physically because you ate your meals once a day.

I tried telling you some other low calorie foods I suggested but you just couldn't follow what I suggested to you. All you do is just eat away my life while ghosting me in a relationship, leave me in a cliffhanger, take advantage of me and the fact that you're a girl/woman you can do whatever you want and having that mindset for the fact guys like me should always spend and treat to their girl/woman.

What really baffles me is that up until now you never had your own bank account, even at your own age, I told you many times on your free time you should make one while you're going out with your sister, and the fact you're just borrowing your sister's account to buy something online. Even you have your own bank account right now I don't need to mention this to you. I was upset you still didn't have your own bank account until now. That would probably explain why you had a fight with me on text because you misunderstood me saying I refuse to buy you something which is the Aerith costume, complete nonsense.

When you told me you're frustrated with me, I'm sorry, I can say the same thing to you too because you gaslighted me so many times and guilt trip me. Oh tell me your english vocabulary isn't good enough and I can tell many words you never heard or known about. You told me you had your reasons not to talk to me is simply GHOSTING. Aku mintak break kau baru nak reply. What's wrong with you? The time I make for you for every night is flexible, people should have their free times every night and acknowledge their lovers are the energy and light within each other's darkness. You just don't know that meaning, and that word is strong while it defines the people who makes other depressed by leaving them in the dark and keeping them in silence.

Now you tell me what actually defines a bad boyfriend to me. Tak belanja makan hadiah cosplay barang apa semua, asyik guna duit awek je tapi aku boyfriend sepatutnya ada trait bapak ketua keluarga kena maintain stable income, lepas tu tak bagitau apa masalah aku sekarang time hidup ni, aku sampai sekarang tak ada kerja, aku memilih nak cari kerja, ya, aku macam plan nak kerja grab, but aku fikir balik agak susah sebab nak jaga minyak hitam lagi, and kalau nak hantar makanan apa semua kena hustle, lagi2 tak pasal langgar accident tetiba, so macam mana? Instead, aku cari kerja yg ada kena mengena dengan bidang kreatif aku, game development or even graphic design.

Aku pilih antara dua itu je. I'll admit time bulan 9, PKP dah dimansuhkan and restrictions macam lifted but until bulan 2-3 semua baru nak lift, time tu aku still takut gila nak apply kerja sebab covid lagi and even dapat vaccination aku still takut lagi nak keluar. Kau cakap macam senang je aku nak dapat kerja secara instant time covid. I applied like 2-3 jobs and masih tak dapat mesej reply lagi untuk kerja baru, even sambil aku freelance buat livestream dekat Twitch. Tapi sebab kita berdua ghosted and bergaduh sini sana BARU je aku motivated gila untuk cari kerja baru. Sekarang aku baru dapat, and aku cita kat kau, dengan gaji aku sebanyak 2.3k sebulan, right now kau pulak jeles dengan gaji aku, masih sayang aku lagi ke? Not really.

Kau cakap kau kecewa dengan aku dengan perangai2 aku tak faham AKU LAGILAH KECEWA DENGAN KAU SEBAB KAU HARAP BANYAK SANGAT AND OF COURSE KAU TAK FAHAM2 LAGI AKU. Rasa sia-sia tengok kau ni dengan aku, hardcore minat Persona and suka cosplay, five Persona 5 waifus in one cosplay, but tapi tak very open to me, and I'm sorry aku paksa memaksa kau speaking up to me because I'm inexperienced on talking to introverts, but now I understand how to interact with introverts. Tak salah kau nak text aku and sending me memes on text and stop beating yourself up if you can't speak up to me, I'll always give my attention to you so you can still trust me, but no, kau just buang ketepi sini sana macam tu je. Aku dengan kau dalam call aku ingat lagi, nak tanya apa2 berita Persona/SMT or even new games and anime? Kau cakap kat aku, malas lah. Bitch please, minat kita is what bring us together and be close to each other what we want to talk about, kau campak macam tu sia2 je like you don't acknowledge me having the same minat as you do.

Kau tau tak apa yang buat aku bengang selama ni, lepas kita break, kau gunakan minat Persona 5 dekat orang lain bila aku tak ada depan kau even on social media and on private message chat. Dulu when we're together in the middle of the year I tried to open up Persona with you but kau macam nak tak nak je, alasan kata malas, ingat aku minat semua itu ini phony and fake lah, jangan sampai aku cakap fake dekat kau balik sebab you just insulted me, I was so mad inside when you think that way, and that's exactly what you fucking think of me, you fucking gaslighting cunt bitch, that's the only thing I have a fucking problem with you, dendam dengan kau sebab kau ghosting aku and harapkan aku semua nak fikir balik apa salah aku and aku sorang je nak kena point out sampai betul, I don't know fucking shit, and don't make me force you until you fucking say it. Okay fine, this is like kau nak tunjuk sangat kau ni a big Persona megafan and nak compare sangat dengan aku jom. Oh to mention I'm really sorry sebelum ni masa kita video call aku banyak paksa2 kau bukak and open up to me time kau tengah bad mood tak senyum, of course lah aku risau sebab aku sayang kau and I know I mean well when I said this, but honestly when we asyik voice call je aku macam rasa annoyed sambil coping benda ni, yang peliknya aku sorang je yang cakap dalam voice call as if aku cakap dengan hantu, sure I can hear your hums and blushes everytime I tease you before. Aku tau penat balik rumah tiap2 kali tolong your sister kerja sampai overnight. Also lastly I can just naturally get to people who liked Persona/SMT as much as I do without even trying, you do you, ikut suka hati kau.