reminder to myself to find and upload the article about the gendered enlightenment/scientific reason vs superstitious persecution in Carmilla and it’s resulting ambiguously supernatural narrative because. it’s so formative to the way I think and write about ds lmao it needs to be on some kind of blog syllabus.

I guess I'm running the risk of sounding like a broken record at this point, but I don't think I'll ever not be deeply depressed by the way so many people on here talk about Joyce Summers.

I mean, I'm just thinking out loud here, but.  Maybe the reason that Giles was much more immediately accepting of Buffy's identity as the Slayer than Joyce was might have something to do with the fact that Giles has been training to be a Watcher for over three decades when he first meets Buffy? That his family sat him down and explained to him that vampires were real when he was a child, and that he's had over thirty years to get used to that fact? And that he is in fact literally paid to train Buffy and mentor her and prepare her for being killed in the Cruciamentum after she turns eighteen and he helps rob her of her powers her destiny? 

Whereas Joyce learns about the reality of vampires and Slayers and the supernatural for the very first time while in a state of extreme emotional distress, only hours after discovering that her daughter is wanted by the police for murder, and in circumstances such that Buffy simply has no time to sit her down and explain things in more detail in the manner they would both want?  Which is a turn of events that can be attributed in large part to the fact that Giles himself repeatedly told Buffy that she couldn't possibly tell her mother about vampires, even after (1) a vampire attacked her in her own home (in Season 1's Angel) and even after (2) the vampire Buffy had been dating, who had a standing invitation into her house, lost his soul and started going after the people closest to her, people explicitly including Joyce. (And note that Giles never offers a better argument for not sharing this potentially life-saving information than Xander's "the more people who know the secret the more it cheapens it for the rest of us".)

I mean, I know you're all pretty wedded to the popular competing theory that it's because *checks notes* Giles is a perfect dad who Buffy should have been much more grateful and sympathetic towards while Joyce is an evil bitch who never once did a good thing for her daughter (and Buffy must be stupid for ever thinking or saying otherwise), but the problem is that that theory is … uh, bad, actually.  Really incredibly cartoonishly bad. And dressing it up in pseudo-progressive language doesn't make it any better.

Wringing your hands over how poorly you think the show writes middle-aged women as if there's simply nothing to be done about it except conclude that they are indeed horrible people (and maybe give them some completely new flaws the show never did), while at the same time you write endless hagiographies and apologia for the show's canonically terrible (and often just as badly under-written) men is definitely a choice though.

And yes, it is definitely true that Giles matters more to the story of Buffy the Vampire Slayer than Joyce does. It is clear that the writers care about him more as a character than they care about Joyce, and that he is consistently used in a metaphorical way that Joyce normally isn't. At best you can perhaps argue that Joyce exists to vocalize and reify Buffy's own lingering desires to be seen as respectable and 'normal', but I don't think this is a reading the show ever commits to in the systematic way it does the Mind/Heart/Spirit reading of Giles/Xander/Willow. But on a less metaphorical level, thinking about the different characters of the show purely as distinct people in their own right, nothing Buffy says or does ever suggests she cares about her relationship with Giles more than her relationship with Joyce. Quite the opposite, in fact.

blood4blood was a little under two weeks of work; i really want to try and push myself to make shorter text games with strict deadlines, as opposed to my longer, more elaborate games. i was inspired to make this mainly when i saw strawberry jam, and i decided to make something that i could also submit to queer vampire jam. i set out to showcase two polar opposites of the lesbian sex experience, with a stone main character, and the added complexity of vampirism. not all-encompassing by any means, but i enjoy writing the kind of sex that i personally feel doesn't get represented properly (if at all) in more mainstream media.

i'm going to talk a bit about both blood4blood and bleeding heart under the cut

if you've read any of my other more recent work then at this point it's very obvious i love lesbian vampires. "reclaiming" feels too strong of a word, but i do like using this typically negative archetype of the lesbian vampire and giving a more nuanced depiction of it; the exploration of what society has deemed "monstrous." the fear of being predatory, the fear of hunger, desire, and sex, the potential for harm that every person carries. vampirism is very versatile as a metaphor.

i think of one of the scenes in stone butch blues, when Jess is first learning about butch/femme dynamics and sex, and Jacqueline tells her that she has the potential to make a woman feel both pleasure and pain, and knowing that, and knowing the difference, is what would make her a good lover.

i like depicting vampirism in this way. and i've ranted previously about why i dislike "ethical vampires" and this is why: because it's a metaphor!

in Bleeding Heart, Cecilia grievously harms her brother, potentially killing him, and can also kill Sawhill or Emina. yes, in the narrative she kills them, but it's not meant to be read so cut and dry.

i didn't want Sawhill (or even her brother) to be these Evil figures oppressing Cecilia, i wanted her killing Sawhill to feel kind of bad; he was misguided, but he was doing what he thought was right, and he did really love Cecilia. but it doesn't matter, because Cecilia can't love him in the way that he wants, and her telling him that, and being true to her nature, is what kills him. as someone who is still one foot in the closet myself, there's this looming threat over coming out. it can destroy relationships: with family, friends, coworkers. people will look at you differently, people may hate you, cut you off, disown you. while we live in a more accepting society now, this potential backlash and violence is still very real for a lot of people, and that's what i wanted to allude to. Sawhill is dead to Cecilia, both literally and metaphorically, because he cannot accept her.

and killing Sawhill causes a domino effect: Emina steps in to protect Cecilia, triggering the realization in her that she really is just like Cecilia. if Cecilia does not kill Sawhill, this doesn't happen, and Emina runs off, because she's not ready to face who she is in the way that Cecilia has done - Emina is trapped by Sawhill's expectations of her as his servant. Cecilia can even go so far as to kill Emina in her anger, by essentially trying to force her "out of the closet." all the while Darcy is there watching, ever present, this aspect of Cecilia that she can no longer repress.

in blood4blood, when writing Noor's route, i wanted both the player character and Noor to hold some kind of power. both can make the other feel good - both can make the other hurt. but in the end, they both lay everything out on the table, and choose to trust each other.

with Ramone, her and the pc are both butch, they are both vampires, they both feel like they have this inherent predatoriness to their desires and attraction. they've isolated themselves. but together they talk openly about what they like and don't like, and find pleasure in a way they both enjoy.

of course i could write these stories without including vampires, but i like the severity that it brings to the narrative. maybe it's dramatic, but i think it really emphasizes how dark and difficult these feelings can be for some people; it's not so easy to shrug off and ignore, it really does feel like you're cursed, that there's something wrong with you. and i like taking that and saying yes, there is something wrong with me; it will always be this way so long as society remains rigid and oppressive as it is. you know?

anyways. i love lesbian vampires 🖤