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nokingsonlyfooles · 6 months

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We'll see...

We took a hiatus from streaming for a while, but we decided to head back to Netflix for a month. Mainly to see Nimona and whatever else fun. We found a new one from Mike Flanagan. The Fall of the House of Usher was waiting for us. That was fun. It clunks in some places, but it's fun.

Towards the end, I felt some of that unreal brain tingle I get sometimes - either because I'm slightly psychic, or I have some kinda undiagnosed transient seizures, or the universe is a hologram and on some level I know it. Eh, could be all three.

I'm a storyteller, so take it with a grain of salt, but I'll relate to you what I said to the spouse, more or less: "You know, when Verna offers Madeline the choice, rich or famous, and she picks rich... I'd say 'Neither.' I'd say, 'I've seen both of those and they suck. I want power. I want to make changes. I want to set wheels in motion that keep turning a hundred years after I'm in the ground, and when I'm gone, I don't want anyone to know I was even here.'"

History has enough great men, and great women, and great whatever, don't you think so, Random Reader?

"'And I don't care about positive or negative, bad or good...'"

His eyebrows went up.

"'No, I want Justice.'" And I said, "I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be here, unless I talked you into it. You would've picked something much simpler, if it was just you. Would you have let me make that deal?"

He said, "I think, if we were making deals, I'd want Peace..."

"Peace?" I said. "Peace is boring. Peace is Death. Peace is the nothingness before existence and the Universe itself said 'Fuck that shit.' You don't want Peace."

"I think," he said, "if you made that deal, I'd say, 'I want to be there to make sure it turns out better than you would've done it alone.'"

My eyebrows went up. "You're here to mitigate me?"

"Yeah."

We laughed, a little.

I said, "If I made that deal, we're going to lead interesting lives."

"Yeah," he said. "Yeah."

"I'm sowwy," I said, and he leaned over me and put his hands on my shoulders, warm. "Do you fowgive me?"

"Yes I do!" he said indulgently.

We laughed some more.

"You're Mr. 'I Want the Death Note,'" I said. He'd mentioned it just a few hours ago, regarding the characters in the series and others like them. "That's really all you want?"

"Look, I talk a big game!" he said.

I believe him. Heh. He's here to make sure I play nice, I guess.

Well, it's halftime for me, if I'm lucky. Maybe a little less than that for him, if he's lucky. I've been... Let's be delicate and say I've been Nerfed for a long time. I needed healthcare. I'm finally getting some. My vision's coming back after the surgery, and it's a little balky, but now that I'm out of glasses, my stupid eye has stopped wandering off and doubling my vision. Still healing and I dunno how it's gonna shake out, but for right now, it's just stopped. I'm getting other things addressed too. I have energy for more things, even if I can't quite draw or spend hours in front of a screen yet.

I don't want to build an empire out of corpses. I tell stories. I'm telling one real long one that probably also clunks in places, and needs a tune-up that it's never gonna get because I can't pay someone to help me and I'm not popular enough to be picking up volunteers. But I'm also not gonna have a corporation breathing down my neck and trying to make it look marketable. I've chosen freedom over marketability every time, and so far it's gotten me... Very, very few readers. Very few. Like, two, I'm pretty sure.

But I still care more about telling my story without limits than forcing it into a hamster wheel to power the capitalist machine. (Don't hold me to that, but while the spouse is making sure I get enough to eat and stay alive, it's a luxury I can afford.)

That's a mistake Mike Flanagan or Netflix or someone in the creative pipeline made. That's a place where The House of Usher clunks. They try to end their story by saying "Nobody cares about this story," but we care deeply about stories. And, no, of all the things we could cut back on, movies and TV - methods of storytelling - will not be defunded so we can use the money to change the world. Money won't change the world, not for the better. Stories might. If my big, long story ain't gonna do it, well, maybe it's practice for later. Or creative fodder for someone who comes after me.

The story continues, painfully, with grave doubts and insecurity, and my art manifesto is still pending. (I'll get back on it now that the super strike is ending, if my eyes and brain let me.) I don't know what else my fragile human body and mind will let me do. Or the spouse, come to think of it. Darn him.

New year's coming. New me, new priorities... In part, because someone told me a good story. I'd like to tell one too.

We'll see...

(Heh, I might as well pin this for my intro. This says way more about me than the happy, apologetic face I try to show the internet so you won't get mad and hurt me. I don't wanna hurt anyone, I really am sorry. But I guess, deep down, I'm willing to do it to be heard.)

#the fall of the house of usher #writers on tumblr #storytelling #new year new me #deals with the devil #or whoever that is #oh i still want all the love i didn't get in my childhood but i'd be willing to negotiate #just enough love to last me the rest of my life please #and if i gotta die in obscurity... ok #but ONLY if i gotta

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goldenmazzello · 4 years

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Lay all your love on me | Part 1

(I don't own this gif. Credits to the owner)

Warning: Flashbacks. Language. Mentions of poor mental health, angst.

W/C: 2.8k.

A/N: Hello! This is the first part of Lay all your love on me. You can find the next parts on my pinned masterlist here.

MASTERLIST

Your last day on set has finally arrived. It's amazing how time flies when you're busy doing things you really love, surrounded by magnificient people. It makes you forget about your every day routine and to have some fun from time to time.

Everybody was getting their make-up done for the last day of filming. As you entered the trailer in order to get yours done, a sweet, delicate voice called you.

"(Y/n)! Are you ready for our last day?" Lucy asked with a bright smile on her face while sitting on her personalized black chair, which had her name written at the back.

You smiled. "To be honest, I'm not doing too well, I'm gonna miss you guys so much." You said with a pouty face. Lucy said she would miss all of you too.

“Oh, nice baby bump!”

You furrowed your brows but then you remembered. You were wearing a fake silicone belly, since your character was going to be pregnant in that scene.

“Yeah, he’s kicking so hard.” You joked.

You sat on your chair as your assistant helped you put your wig. You laughed at your reflection in the mirror. "I still can't used to this wig." You found it odd to wear a blonde wig.

“At least they didn’t give you a perm!” Joe appeared holding two cups of coffee on each of his hands. “Here you have, my wonderful wife.” he approached you and gave you one of the cups. You laughed at his comments.

“Thank you, Mr. Deacon.” You thanked him and left a kiss on his cheek.

Joe bringing you coffee on set every morning became a habit, one you were very delighted with. He was so kind with you that you swore your heart could just melt for every little thing he did for you.

And while drinking your coffee, you remembered your very first day on set and how you and Joe started talking.

Filming had already started by your first day on set. Today, you would meet the entire cast of the wonderful movie you were going to take part in. You felt an overwhelming joy for being part of such an incredible project, not only because it was a big step in your career as an actress, but also because you were a Queen fan. And it was your very first time in London.

Your very first scene was Freddie’s birthday party. You greeted all of your new cast mates before paying attention to the director’s indications.

You sat between two of your cast mates. One of them was wearing a long-haired blonde wig and the other a long-haired brown one with a strange fringe. You were wearing a wig as well. It was a black-haired one with a fringe and low pony tails falling over your shoulders. Your eyes had a beautiful emerald eye-shadow which you weren’t very comfortable with but you didn’t care, you were another person now, it was your job.

As they started filming, you kept a conversation with the actor that played John Deacon’s role, your husband, of who you didn't remember his name. You smile at each other and them you both joined the conversation that the others were having about Freddie’s life as his mom stood up and looked for family pictures.

The director decided to take some breaks in between the scenes. It was a good opportunity to introduce yourself and to make some new friends.

“Hey, nice to meet you. I’m Ben.” said the blonde one who was next to you and you told him your name. The other actors joined him and all of you started talking. There was something strange in one of them, the one who was next to you and introduced himself as Joe. Why was he talking so weird?

“Why are you doing a bad American accent?” You asked him laughing. He furrowed his eyebrows and opened his mouth but didn’t say anything, he looked as if he was trying to find the words to say. “B-but, t-that’s my voice.” he said confused.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry.” You said and covered your face with your hands. That’s why you don’t have friends, stupid, you said to yourself.

Your face was burning and you felt absolutely embarrassed. How long have you been on set? Three hours? And you were already causing trouble.

He laughed. “Nevermind. What an awesome compliment. I mean, I’ve been working on it so hard and you thought that I was actually British but...What’s wrong with my voice? I think it’s a pretty convincing American accent. Anyway, thanks for the compliment.”

“I’m really really sorry, I don’t know why I said that.” Your face was still red. You wished the Earth would swallow you, you wanted to disappear from his sight. He put his hand on your shoulder.

“Hey, you don’t need to apologize. I really meant what I’ve said, it was a nice compliment, I’m prouder of myself now!” He assured you and gave you an expression that indicated everything was okay and there wasn’t anything bad at what you had said, he wasn’t mad at that.

You weren’t very convinced but after getting closer to him the following days, you realized that he was telling you the truth and there wasn’t anything you should worry about. After that, you both talked about each other’s lives. You found out he lived in New York, just as you. He was from there but you were from New Jersey. You told him how you ended up moving to New York to study and work on your acting career. Since that day, you both became very good friends. And the same thing happened with Ben, Gwilym, Rami and Lucy, you became close to them because of your new friendship with Joe.

“Let’s take a picture for Instagram.” Joe suggested. You stood next to him, with your right hand covering half of your mouth showing surprise and Joe put one of his hands on your fake belly and the other did the same as yours.

Lucy took the photo.

@Joe_Mazzello: Say hi to the Deacon family! @(y/n)(y/s/n) #BohemianRhapsody #Queen #DeaconFamily

The director was giving the last indications for the scene. We will rock you. You were on a sofa next to Joe, having a conversation as Ben did the same with the actress who played his wife and the one who was Gwilym’s wife sat there looking at him, while he was looking at Rami, completely annoyed. The girls were very good actresses but unfortunately, they weren’t very close to the rest of the cast and won’t be joining the future tour press since they have another projects in the pipeline.

“You look so funny in that blonde wig.” Joe teased you, knowing that you hated it.

Actually, Joe wanted to tell you that you looked beautiful, as always, but he wasn't bold enough to do it.

"Shut up or I'll take your wig off." You threatened him, he mocked you and rested his head on your shoulder.

And after that, Gwilym ordered everybody to join him. He came up with the beat of a new song he had been working on. Suddenly, all of you were clapping your hands at the third beat as Rami appeared and apologized for being late. He asked what was going on and Gwilym explained he wanted to give the audience a song they could perform and be part of it and you all began to sing and clap your hands.

"Cut!" The director shouted.

And everything was done. There were no scenes left, nothing else. After that, Rami suggested to go and have coffee. All of you were sat on the floor and drinking your coffee.

"I can't believe it's our last day." You said.

"I still remember the very first time you were on set." Gwilym said. "And the odd American accent." he moved his gaze from you to Joe and laughed.

"Oh no, please, I'm still ashamed of that." You begged him not no bring that back.

Memories from set were mentioned as you took a sip of coffee. You had a big smile on your face as you remembered probably one of the best days of your life and the best memory on set.

"Who's coming over?" You asked Rami, who was taking his crown off and put in on your head, you laughed.

"I don't know, darling. Maybe some fans." He shrugged. He got used to talking like Freddie.

After Freddie's party scene in Garden Lodge, the director suggedted to take a break and said that they had some guests on set that day.

"I thought we were going to film the I want to break free music video now." Gwilym said thoughtful with his hand on his chin.

"Hey mates, look who are here today!" Ben said as he, Joe and Lucy stood next to you, Rami and Gwilym and pointed at the door.

You couldn't believe your eyes when you saw them.

Brian May and Roger Taylor were a few feet away from you. Brian and Roger, from Queen, your favorite band, your idols.

"Hey folks, How are you doing today?" Asked Brian with a charming smile.

Everybody greeted them but you. You were in shock, your face was as white as a sheet and your jaw was slacked. Lucy seemed to notice you and held your hand.

Joe put his hand in your back and rubbed it softly. “Let’s go outside and catch some fresh air.”

“Hey, who’s this pretty lady?” Roger asked. He took off his black glasses.

“(Y/n) are you okay?” Lucy asked worried and the four men next to you turned to look.

Oh God, you were absolutely nervous. Never in your craziest dreams you thought about having this opportunity. You knew that Brian and Roger sometimes visited the set but you didn’t think they would do it a day you were there.

“I-I-I’m (Y/n)...” you extended your shaky hand. “Oh sorry for this, but I’m a big fan of Queen and...Oh God I can’t believe it!” Roger laughed and took your hand and shook it. You thought you were going to faint. You could feel your knees weaken.

“No! I’m okay” You were shaking.

“Wow, it’s nice to meet you. I’ve seen some pictures of you here on set with these amazing people, you’re doing amazing.” He said and Brian nodded.

“We’re finally meeting!” Brian said and you smiled with watery eyes.

Joe wondered what made you deal with so much pain, you'd never said anything about that. He felt his heart broke at the mere thought of you being in pain.

Brian and Roger were absolutely grateful for your words.

“I feel like I’m dreaming.” You laughed nervously. “You guys don’t have an idea of how much I appreciate you, your music helped me to heal so much pain and I will be forever grateful for that. I wanna show you something.” You said as you uncover your left wrist from your sleeve. You had a beautiful butterfly tattooed and under it, a lyric from one of your favorite songs by Queen, Spread your wings. “I’ve had this for over 12 years now and one of my biggest wishes was to show it to both of you someday and to thank you for everything."

“I’m glad our music help you in any possible way.” Brian said “And your tattoo is amazing. John would be very pleased If he saw it” You smiled.

“I love it.” Roger said. “Hey Bri, why don’t we take a photo with her for Instagram?”

“That would be nice.”

Oh my God.

"Let me be your photographer." Rami asked Brian for his phone and took some photos of your tattoo and others of you with them. A few minutes after that, your phone buzzed. Queen has tagged you on a post.

@OfficialQueenMusic: “So glad to meet a fan today that will be part of our upcoming movie. Thank you for sharing your story with us @(y/n)(y/s/n) #BohemianRhapsody”

That was, by far, the best day of your entire life.

“Hey, come back to Earth, where are you?” Ben asked moving a hand in your face. You shook your head.

“I was thinking about the first time I met Brian and Roger.” You blushed and he laughed.

“Oh, the day you almost pass out” Ben joked and you slapped him on his arm. “Hey, Am I telling a lie?”

“Of course I almost pass out, my eyes were lucky to see Brian and Roger in person.” You and Ben giggled.

“I’m going to miss you, do you know that?” Ben asked.

“So do I!” You hugged him. Smiling. "You know I'm going to visit you."

Those weeks on set made you realize how lucky you were to find such incredible people. After years and years of being alone in your misery. After the countless nights you cried yourself to sleep and feeling like a piece of shit for being so alone in this world, everything was making sense now.

You never told them about what you had been through. Being a teenager wasn’t easy. You wanted people to destroy the concept that your teenage years are supposed to be fun and those are the best years of your life because when you hit your late 20s, responsibilities are hard to manage and everything seems to be falling apart. Why couldn’t you be happy now?

Now, that you were 30, that everything was left behind. You wished you could say that you were a happy teenager and you didn’t have to fake a smile and pretend everything was okay. There were days you barely could get out of your house and see other people, or even worse, some days you couldn’t get out of bed and shower because there wasn’t any motivation at all. And no one understood. No one knew how hard it was being you, having such an stressful life that you worried about every little thing and it seemed you would never be at peace. You never felt safe. How hard it was to interact with others without thinking that they just did it to be nice to you or that they were desperately waiting for you to shut your fucking mouth. Isolation didn’t feel right. Loneliness didn’t feel right. Nothing felt right at all. You couldn’t keep pretending to be happy, you needed a reason to keep holding on, something that made you believe that your life was going to change, you wanted to be back on your feet and to know that all of that pain was gone.

Maybe it wasn’t so hard to be you, and eventually, you would find out where you belonged. You felt it was taking forever and you couldn’t wait for things to get better. You knew that someday things would be better and that your day would come. Sometimes you wished someone would save you, but you knew that you had to save yourself. If only you could find what you've been looking for. "How could this happen to me? "was the only thing that was always on your mind. You were sick of this life, you wanted to scream. You felt out of place, you were sick of feeling so left out.

And at that moment, you knew that your 18-year-old-self would be proud of you. Proud of the woman you had become and that now, all of your worries were left behind. You didn’t have to worry about that again, but it was still hard to open your heart and tell people about it. You weren’t embarrassed, it was part of you, part of your story but you didn’t want people to pity you.

You didn’t realize you were almost crying until Joe spoke.

“What’s going on?” He hugged you. Your vision was blurry, it was difficult for you to see clearly. You wiped your tears with your thumb and you chuckled.

“I’m very emotional today. I’m grateful for everything that this movie brought me, especially the five of you.”

There was a broad smile on Joe’s face. “Well, I’m glad you say that because you won’t get rid of me so easily, huh?” He joked. Joe always knew how to make you smile. But he was right, you lived like 30 minutes away from him, you would see each other everyday. “I have a list of places we’re visiting after coming back to New York.”

“That’s why I love you.” You hugged him again. He smiled.

Joe felt something on his chest. He wished that I love you meant something else than being loved as a friend, but at the same time, he didn’t want to feel like this, he didn’t want to be in love again. Since his last girlfriend cheated on him with his friend, he couldn’t feel anything for someone. All of his dates failed and he decided to take some time for himself.

But there was something Joe couldn’t deny, when you were near, everything seemed so easy, he could look into your eyes and forget the world.

“I love you even more.”

#joe mazzello x reader #joe mazzello #joe mazzello fic #joe mazzello fluff #joe mazzello imagine #joe mazzello fanfic #joe mazzello angst #borhap cast x reader #borhap cast #borhap boys x reader #borhap boys #joe mazzelo x reader #goldenmazzello

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