too many gifset ideas too little energy 😔😔

wineinthewidow replied to your post: i can’t wait for sansa to go to kings landing...

i want to mention with this, that when cersei was musing about sansa in the books after joffrey died, it was like she was talking about a personal betrayal l;ksadf

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

i can’t fucking deal, honestly

this is my favorite subject ever pls

Life

Hmhm life is really weird right now.

I mean, when you really think about it. You only have one life to live. I guess if you believe in heaven or reincarnation it’s different. But idk I guess if you do believe in reincarnation, it’s not like u remember your past lives. SO in some sense, this is the ONE life to live. I feel like it’s important to make the most out of it.

I’ve never contemplated dying or suicide or anything. I guess I’m somewhat blessed to not have any mental health disorders (that I know of) like anxiety, panic attacks, depression, etc.

But I’d say, right now is kind of a low point in my life. For my new year resolution, I said I’d make this year great. I honestly made this year pretty good.

I was single, I was happy being single, I improved myself in so many ways, and I learned to like myself in a lot of ways.

I did a long rant that I wrote when studying late at night. But unfortunately my ipad decides to alt tab randomly, and none of it was saved… Whatever…

But I guess for life, it’s been okay. I realized a lot more about life each year, which is good. It means I’ve been maturing each year.

Somethings I’ve realized more (some I knew before) is that my best friend changes each year. 1st year of college was arguably Calvin/Kai/Jessica/Edward/Michael at certain points. Then 2nd year it was mostly Stephanie/Brent/Calvin sometimes/etc. 3rd year was mostly Brent/his friends/somewhat Fyona, Cat, Kristy, etc. Over this past summer before senior year is starting. It’s been shifting quite a bit. It’s been Jenn/Cat/Kristy/Brent, but nowadays who knows. I just hung out with my friend Max and tonight was wild tbh. It made me realize some things I need to improve about myself. I REALLY need to develop more confidence in myself and be capable of talking to new people in spontaneous situations. Yeah, I pride myself on being able to connect and talk to ppl 1 on 1 if we have a mutual friend/etc. But can I really say that I’m capable of talking to a complete stranger randomly and having a great conversation with them? Who knows… Do I need this skill? Idk, but it would help. Idk I guess I’m very harsh on myself and want to be good at everything. I guess this is something I need to work on.

I really want to type more and talk about more, but idk if I’m in the right mindset. I feel like ranting and talking, but I’m also tired at the same time. I’m tired a lot of my summer days, maybe from lack of sleep, maybe from stress, or idk…

But I really gotta work on myself. I wanna be a better me, I wanna be happier, and etc.

This sounds depressing and it seems like I made 0 progress with myself. But that’s so untrue. I’ve been working on so many diff things, but idk… Sometimes you just have those nights where u hate yourself or too down on yourself in certain things.

I WANNA BE REALLY HAPPY. I don’t need someone else to validate my happiness. But I feel like my happiness is tied to so many different things. I want to make my parents proud/happy, I want myself to idk seem respectable/cool to other ppl, and etc. BUT it’s kind of hard to just be happy when I don’t feel successful… I want to be successful financially for my parents, I want to be successful academically for my parents too/myself, I want to be successful socially (very subjective), and Idk…. 

Is it possible to ever be completely happy/content? maybe. I always want more, since I feel like If I don’t want anything life is boring and idk. I guess stress is part of life, being sad is part of life, feeling idk asdf;ksadf;l everyhting is part of life. I really wanna be happy, but I sometimes wonder what does it take?

Do I need a lot of money to be happy? Do I need a SO to be happy? Do I need my parents to be proud of me? Do I need a million friends and to be busy every day to be happy? Do I need to be physically/crazily attractive to be happy? What does it take Theo?

IDK.. It feels like all of those things is required… Adksa;lds Damn. It just feels like yeah, I’m somewhat in a better place than ppl in maybe many of those aspects, but it never feels like it’s enough…. I am happy, I’m content most of my days, and etc. But it feels like some days, it’s just rough for no reason. Or I guess there is reason. I’m not incredibly successful in any of those things. I’m not crazy crazy attractive, I’m not incredibly successful financially/academically, and I don’t have some attractive SO to validate myself. I guess the only person that can really reassure/validate myself is myself, but I’m not always happy with myself. I’m content some days, I’m unhappy some days, and maybe some rare days I’m really happy with myself. 

But today is not one of those days. I feel like a failure, I feel like I’m not really good in anything that an adult values (being good a photography/video games/knowledgeable in music/blah blah is whatever). UGH I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF. 

The only way I know how is to feel secure about my future, know my parents are content with me, and idk be happy with my lifestyle. But I guess it takes a while to achieve all of those things. maybe in a couple days, I’ll figure it out more, talk to my parents, and maybe this last school year will be amazing.

I’ll write more about how I feel, updates on life, and etc soon. Right now, is just some dumb philosophical rant while I’m drunk and feeling ehh about myself. 

Peace…