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kittymonks-fanfiction · 5 years

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Genderswapped Nations Review - Chapter 3

Welcome back to Genderswapped Nations, the fanfic where kids can trip over couches, phase through locked doors, and get brainwashed by the British flag when they’re kidnapped and held hostage by a German extremist looking to get his ass kicked by his friends. Last time, we found out that the American girls who were kidnapped are going to be let loose into Europe if their ‘gender bends’ don’t come to Germany within a day to pick them up. Prussia, the kidnapper, still seems not to have a plan besides pissing everyone off and making himself less bored. Let’s see if we learn anything new about that plan in this chapter!

Chapter 3: Prudence and Planes

This chapter title is almost alright, but ‘Prudence’ is the name of a character we’ll be meeting later and isn’t in reference to the trait of prudence…which isn’t good, because this fic could use some more prudence. Seriously, what must’ve been going through twelve-year-old me’s head when I put all of those sexual assault jokes in the last chapter??

“You’re kidding!” Francisca claimed.

Oh yeah, the last chapter ended off with the countries showing up at Germany’s doorstep to get the girls. I wonder how long the gap in-between these chapters being uploaded was. I think it would be funny if Francisca, here replying to something Ariana said at the last chapter, took like a month to answer her. They just sat there for a month before Francisca gasped and cried, “You’re kidding!”

“I’m not kidding, they’re really here!” Ariana said. “If you don’t believe me, come see for yourselves!” All of the gender swaps followed Ariana into Francisca’s room, and let them look out the window.

They…let themselves look out the window?

“They really are here!” Felicity exclaimed.

“But they’re so much older than us,” Kierra said.

Just in case you forgot that these gender bends of adult nations are, in fact, human children for some reason.

“Right,” Allison said. “But they look exactly like us, besides that!”

Just then, another gender swap walked into Francisca’s room. The gender swap had a hat covering their hair, and was wearing sunglasses. “Who are you?” Kierra asked the new gender swap.

“I’m Prudence,” the new gender swap introduced.

Oh great, this is just what we needed; another character to add to the mix. The other girls have barely been developed yet! All we know is that Felicity, Allison, and Francisca are stupid, Alexis is shy, Iscah is weird, Louella is bossy, and Ariana’s a Mary-Sue. Every other trait the characters may have is just ‘implied’ because they’re gender bends of characters that should be well known to the intended audience of this fanfic.

Whose human name starts with ‘Pru’, though? Hm, I wonder…

“I don’t see your gender swap out there,” Louella said. “Maybe they didn’t care.”

Whoa shit!! That’s a crazy rude thing to say! What if Germany wasn’t there, Louella? Then what? What if that’s actually Prudence’s swap and not yours?

And apparently Louella can read the narration that called Prudence a gender bend because otherwise she’d have no reason to assume that Prudence is a gender bend.

“I actually have something to tell you about the men out there,” Prudence said.

“Hm?” Ariana asked.

“They aren’t the real nations. They’re different people dressed up as the countries.” Prudence said.

“You mean like Santa Claus?” Felicity asked.

“Yeah, sure.” Prudence responded.

And they just…buy this? These guys look exactly like the girls, but older and male. It would be different if the girls looked more like their canonical Nyotalia appearances, but like I keep saying, they just look like their counterparts with boobs and (occasionally) longer hair! What are the chances that there could be any other troupe of people that look exactly like them?

“That can’t be true!” Louella shouted. “They look exactly like they’re supposed to! They can’t be fake!” tears developed in her eyes. “They can’t be…”

“But they are,” Prudence said.

“No they aren’t! China even has a panda!” Yiesha stated.

That’s a terrible verb to use. It would have been more apt to use ‘objected’, ‘argued’, or even ‘exclaimed’ if you want to stretch it a bit (though admittedly that verb was used for something Felicity said earlier). ‘Stated’ makes it sound like she’s calmly giving Prudence this info, which she isn’t. It’s an observation in the form of an exclamation, not really a statement.

“Fake panda.” Prudence said.

“But who would do that? Bringing up the feelings of a little girl looking for her counterpart just for laughs… That’s cruel!” Francisca cried.

“I know.” Prudence said. “I suggest running away.”

“How would that solve anything?” Kierra asked.

“Yeah, and Prussia would come looking for us anyway.” Allison said.

“Believe me, he won’t.” Prudence said.

And responses like these just make it obvious that Prudence is a jerk who shouldn’t be trusted. Because yeah, if it wasn’t obvious, this girl is an antagonist…and a pretty crappy one at that.

“I agree with Prudence,” Alexis said. The other gender swaps, excluding Prudence, looked at her as if she was invisible until now.

She probably was, but that’s beside the point. Why does Alexis agree with what Prudence is saying? Prudence is saying that the guys down there are imposters, so they should break out as soon as possible—why that wasn’t the swaps’ plan from the start, I don’t know—and leave. That was Prussia’s plan! All evidence points to him wanting these girls to be let out into the wild to fend for themselves so he can dick with everyone and Alexis is the only one who knows this, so why is she so apt to go along with what Prudence is saying? If anything, the others should be agreeing to leave and Alexis should be the speaker of the Cassandra Truth she never told everyone—that being that Prussia wants them to leave and this wears-sunglasses-inside-and-wears-a-cap-to-cover-their-hair weirdo is probably on his side if she’s pursuing the same outcome!

“If the real countries didn’t want to come see us themselves, then they must not care very much. And I know how that feels far too well. And anyway, I bet our gender swaps are only interested in us so they can make us into their slaves.”

In that aspect I can see what she means—she doesn’t want to get taken by a bunch of random men after being kidnapped because they could be child traffickers—but what does claiming the countries are fakes have to do with that? You can have Alexis say that they should escape on the grounds that these strange men could be dangerous, but don’t word it like “We shouldn’t go with them because they didn’t care enough to come themselves which means that we won’t be happy with them”. That’s what’s written there and that doesn’t make sense. It would have been much easier to claim that the men were dangerous…but as you’ll see later, there’s a reason why that explanation wasn’t used.

The girls looked at Alexis, astonished, until Louella spoke up. “Yes, Canadia’s right.

Do I need a counter specifically counting all of the times that Canada has been mistakenly called ‘Canadia’? It’s happened at least once a chapter now and it’s quickly getting old.

-ALEXIS ABUSE +1

If they didn’t care enough to get us in person, than we can just leave. They’ll have to deal with it, for not coming in person.”

This becomes comical later when we find out what their next plan after escaping is. Just wait, it’s really great.

Some of the gender swaps started saying negative things about the plan, before Louella said, “It’s decided! We’re doing it. We still have fifteen minutes for conversation, and during conversation, the doors are unlocked.”

Well Jesus Christ, now Louella is kidnapping a bunch of girls against their will!

“We could leave using the window in my room,” Allison suggested. “It’s at the very back of the house, so those fakes wouldn’t see us!”

“Sounds like a plan,” Kierra said. “And I like it.”

“So, let’s go!” Allison exclaimed. “I’ll tie together all of our bedsheets, and we’ll climb down!”

But…I guess apparently Allison and Kierra are pretty submissive? Either that or, somehow, the possible smartest person in the group thought this was a good idea from the start (Kierra, I mean). I can see Allison wanting to bust open a window and run off without thinking much about a plan, but not Kierra.

Ariana looked to Prudence. “Prudence, are you coming?” she asked.

“No,” Prudence said. “My gender swap called me personally and told me he’d meet me here in person.”

“Who is your gender swap?” Francisca asked.

“That’s not important, plus you’ve only got ten minutes now!” Prudence said, grabbing Francisca’s bedsheet and tossing it to Allison. “So gather the other bedsheets and get moving!”

And…Nobody finds this suspicious? Shouldn’t they be questioning where Prudence got a phone from if she was kidnapped as well? Not to mention how eager she is to brush her counterpart’s identity under the rug! Seriously, has no one caught on to this shitty hat-and-glasses disguise yet?

The other gender swaps nodded, and they all got their bedsheets and gathered in Allison’s room, where Allison tied together the bedsheets and rolled the makeshift rope out of the window after tying one end to her bedpost. “Let’s go,” Allison said. With that, the gender swaps one by one climbed out the window, with a firm grasp on the bedsheet rope. Prudence stood in Allison’s room and watched the other gender swaps go. She smirked.

Oh big shocker, Prudence was evil the whole time. But I really question why they didn’t do this in the first place if it was an option. If they had just done this and went to the police before being brainwashed, all of the upcoming nonsense could easily have been avoided.

The nations, who were in fact real,

I find it hilarious beyond words that past me felt the need to remind the reader unless they, too, were convinced by Prudence’s masterful ability to lie.

stood at Prussia’s door until the red-eyed nation opened the door. “Hello,” Prussia greeted.

“Where are our gender swaps?” Germany immediately questioned.

“Patience, patience. I’ll get them.” Prussia said, closing the door.

“Wow I need to grab some Adderall off of the shelf for you West, you clearly need a chill pill”

“I hope we came soon enough,” France said.

“Yeah. I can only imagine a girl me getting caught by another country,” America said.

Well yeah, no shit, you can only imagine that because you don’t have any idea what this girl looks like or if she even exists. This line just annoys me.

Prussia opened the door again, and the nations were surprised to see he didn’t have anyone with him. “They aren’t here anymore.” He said.

Germany questioned, “What did you do to them?”

“Me? I didn’t do a thing to those girls.” Prussia said, trying to sound innocent.

“We know you’re lying, dude,” America said.

But…why would Prussia try to make himself sound suspicious if he didn’t actually do anything to them? He could just say ‘Oh shit they escaped!!!’ and cause the same response minus the ‘everyone wants to punch him now’ side effect.

“I’m serious! Come look,” Prussia said, opening the door so the countries could come in. Prussia led the countries to the living room that the girls used, and showed them each room was empty. But the nations couldn’t make out where all the bedsheets had gone, until Germany found them tied together and hanging out Allison’s window.

“See, I told you so,” Prussia said. “They left on their own.”

You didn’t tell them shit dude, you just said ‘they aren’t here anymore’ and then acted needlessly shifty just to piss them off.

“Well, then, we have to find them!” England said.

“Go ahead,” Prussia said. The nations climbed down the bedsheets one by one, and couldn’t see their gender swaps anywhere.

The situation is so dire that the nations couldn’t possibly go downstairs and use the front door like normal people!!

“Come on, they could’ve gotten far by now!” Germany said. The nations followed him as he ran away.

And it’s just…really funny seeing the opposite of ‘they couldn’t have gotten far’ used here. “WATCH OUT MEN, THEY’RE LITTLE GIRLS. GOD KNOWS HOW FAR THEY’VE GOTTEN ON THEIR LITTLE GIRL LEGS.”

Prudence walked up behind Prussia as they left. “How’d I do?” Prudence asked, taking her hat and sunglasses off to reveal long white hair and red eyes.

“Better than I thought you’d do.” Prussia said.

That reveal is completely pointless considering how obvious it is that Prudence is Prussia’s gender swap. She was the only person in the building besides him that wanted the girls to wander off into the wilderness, she hid her appearance from the start, and she was acting suspicious when it would have been easy not to be. And it already included her smirking after they left! With that reveal, it’s just redundant to reveal again that she’s a bad guy.

And now that I can finally mention it, how come Prudence’s name comes from Prussia’s country name rather than his human name? The only other person to suffer from a name that doesn’t make sense in this context is Alexis, but even then hers is just supposed to be similar to Allison. Her name should be Gillian or something, a name that could actually come from Gilbert.

Meanwhile, the gender swaps had already made it to the airport the nations had gotten there from.

I guess I did say that it was relatively close, but I’m sure that grown men who know the terrain would be able to catch up to a bunch of lost teenage girls way before they’d be able to, oh, I don’t know, get on a plane to America and escape home or something.

“How much money does everyone have?” Louella asked. Ariana whipped out ten dollars, Allison pulled out two, claiming ‘I used the rest of it’,

I thought that joke was a big ‘TAKE THAT’ back in the day because the U.S. is in debt, but so are a bunch of other countries so ehh. It’s a big one, sure, but that’s not even a good way to tell that joke. It would be a lot more topical if Allison had money but Yiesha demanded to have it since she loaned Allison ten bucks to buy food earlier.

all of the other gender swaps brought out fives and tens, but Iscah pulled out fifty dollars. After no one wanted to question how Iscah had gotten fifty dollars,

That had better damn well not be a joke about prostitution. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. I mean, it could have always been obtained by means of larceny or extortion (from Allison?) but it wasn’t said so I can’t label it as innocent right away.

they pooled their money together and found they had just enough money to send each of them to their respective countries

Not only does this prove that they’re GOING TO THEIR COUNTERPARTS’ COUNTRIES OF ORIGIN in order to avoid them, it’s also stupid because they have, what, $100 USD between them and they’re able to afford nine plane tickets in Germany? This has to take place in the past because that’s impossible.

(Except Alexis, who had to ride with Allison and take a bus to Canada)

Oh great, you just had to add that extra potshot.

-ALEXIS ABUSE +1

Ariana walked to her plane, the remaining countries who’s planes were not yet departing (Louella, Felicity, and Kierra) waving to her.

Where is Louella flying? Is she just going to board a plane in Berlin…in order to fly to Berlin again and back to the building she just escaped from??

“Bye,” Ariana said was she boarded the plane. She sat in a seat,

As opposed to…a geometric cube?

and nobody was sitting beside her. She looked out a window to see Germany and the other nations not far from the airport. “Those fakes probably just want to take us back so they don’t get in trouble,” Ariana thought, as the plane took off.

Yeah, they want to take us back, so instead, we’ll take ourselves back! Take that?

The nations finally made it to the airport, and Louella, Kierra, and Felicity were already gone.

“They’re gone!” Italy said.

“They probably assumed we wouldn’t be coming, and just flew to our countries to see us.” Germany said.

Is this some kind of Twilight Zone story? In what universe would that be the first assumption that everyone jumps to??

“The gender swaps should have waited a little longer, and then they’d be able to meet us,” France said.

“I bet it was America’s gender swap. She probably said, ‘If they aren’t coming to us, we’ll go to them!'” England said.

“No, it must have been yours, England! She must have said, ‘If those bloody countries won’t come to see us, then we’ll go see them!'” America said.

Orrrr they just left because they were kidnapped children and wanted to go home??

Then all of the countries were blaming each other’s gender swaps for coming up with the idea to leave, until Germany said, “What about Prussia’s? Maybe she tricked them into thinking we wouldn’t come!”

“Yeah, it was probably Prussia’s gender swap!” America said.

But who said that he has one?? You didn’t see one there and you assume that Prussia would mention something like that, so why does Germany magically know exactly what’s going on?

“Well, if they’re already on planes, then we need to buy tickets now!” China said.

“Agreed,” Japan said. So each of the countries bought tickets and got in planes to their separate countries.

They’re going to kill the ozone layer with all of these plane rides. They’re just lucky that, in the minutes after the that planes all left coincidentally at the same time to go exactly where all of the swaps (minus Alexis) needed to go had already taken off, there were more planes lying in wait for them.

Well, there’s another chapter of Genderswapped Nations out of the way. Next time you can come back to expect Ice Town times nine, the emergence of Plastic Man’s gender swap, and some of the worst terroristic threats you’ve ever heard in your life.

(CANADA/ALEXIS ABUSE COUNTER=5)

#hetalia #hetalia axis powers #fanfiction #fanfiction review #kittymonk's fanfiction reviews #fanfic review #writing review #genderswapped nations #genderswapped nations review #my old writing

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kittymonks-fanfiction · 5 years

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Genderswapped Nations Review - Chapter 2

Hello all, welcome back to Genderswapped Nations! Last time, we found an American girl named Ariana being kidnapped by Prussia and dragged to Germany against her will amongst a bunch of other American girls because Prussia thinks they’re the female versions of the personifications of entire countries and wants to lure said countries to Germany for whatever reason. Now for chapter 2, when things get interesting.

..And yes, I’m aware that it is both a Friday and a few months after I launched this blog. I’m a fuckup.

Chapter 2: Conversation and Costumes

In the long scheme of things this title isn’t horrendous, but it’s still not good. Every chapter has conversations, so the only relevant word to the plot of the chapter is ‘costumes’.

…and unfortunately, that’s also one of the worst parts of this chapter.

The door to Ariana’s room opened, revealing one living room with the other eight gender swapped nations sitting on four sofas.

TITLE DROP!

Ariana sat on the sofa with Louella and Kierra. However, when Ariana sat down, Louella stood. She walked to the center of the living room.

Wow, that’s cold.

“Girls, let us first silently thank that Prussia guy for letting us have one hour to converse amongst ourselves.” She said.

1; you’re not really thanking him ‘silently’ if you’re thanking him out loud. 2; how do you know that you’ll be able to talk to one another for an hour? Who told you this information and didn’t tell the others?

Ariana noticed that Louella was gaining a German accent, like she had begun to develop an English accent and see a flying green bunny everywhere.

What the hell? Are they just shapeshifting into miniature versions of their counterparts through magic? Did Ariana magically inherit the same hallucinations as England somehow?

“Anyway, this is about what to call each other. Everyone knows what nation they are the gender swap of, correct?”

All of the girls nodded. “Anyway,” Louella continued. “We will now refer to ourselves and each other as our male counterpart countries. For example, my name is now Germany.”

“No, Louella!” Felicity whined. “Your name is so pretty, don’t replace it!”

“Now Italy…” Louella began. “We need to act like our counterparts more. Don’t argue, just do it!”

Okay, this is ridiculous. They haven’t even met their counterparts, don’t even know if they really exist, and yet Louella is totally set on pretending to be them for some reason. They aren’t actual nations, they’re just a bunch of kids! Even the nations get ‘human’ names when they aren’t personifi-nations, so if these kids aren’t nations, why are they insistent on calling themselves by nation names?

By the way, hey guys, some German extremist kidnapper told me that I’m the female version of the male-gendered personification of the Shenandoah River. Don’t call me Kitty anymore. Call me Shenandoah River. I know that’s stupid because male!Shenandoah River, who is the actual Shenandoah River that has been around since it was carved by the glaciers that cut across North America millions of years ago, is a good friend of ours, but trust me on this. That guy who was cackling like a supervillain and doesn’t seem to have a real plan is just really convincing for some reason.

“Why do we have to listen to you, Louella?” Ariana asked curtly.

“Because I heard Germany leads the meetings with the nations,” Louella said smugly.

In the first episode of the anime and Paint it White, maybe, but not in real life politics—and probably not in the canon of Hetalia, either.

“But you aren’t Germany!” Ariana said. “None of us are supposed to be the nations they already exist! We don’t need to copy them!”

“Is that right, England? Because you’re attitude is almost a mirror image to the real guy,” Louella noted.

How does Louella know this? And never mind that, this is just like Prussia labeling her as the literal embodiment of the UK in the last chapter because she said she liked tea, only here it’s because Ariana is complaining and England is known to complain. Everyone complains! I’m complaining right now!

In fact, get in touch with Shenandoah River--he’s just as much as a whiner. I mean, he complains about the amount of E. coli that’s been getting into his water, but hey, I’m complaining about shit too.

Ariana realized that Louella was right. It must have been the room!

…Heh?

It was the room she was in that was leading her to act and sound like Britain, and made Louella feel like the boss of everyone else and want to change everyone’s names!

What?

Louella’s probably more like Germany than I am to England, she thought, because that Prussia guy noticed Louella’s tough spirit in that throne room, and must have somehow made her turn into her counterpart faster.

Sudden confusing change in narrative, and…Say again?

Felicity was acting exactly like Italy, and knowing Prussia’s image of Italy, her room was on low.

Well that doesn’t make things any better. That’s just mean.

So to get things straight, these rooms are decked out with a lot of stuff that’s meant to brainwash these kids into acting like they’re from particular nationalities so that they’ll better fit Prussia’s image for them so he can lure the other countries to Germany for some unknown reason? And these rooms have ‘knobs’ or something that can be used to set a room ‘on low’ if wanted? If Germany has that sort of technology , then someone should be raising some red flags! That’s a major human rights violation, I’d think.

But really, that’s just about the stupidest thing I’ve heard all day.

Alexis got up, and headed for a door.

Just a door. She doesn’t know which one. She could be walking into a screaming metal death trap as far as she knows.

“America, where do you think you’re going?” Louella questioned.

“I have to find the restroom,” Alexis said.

It’s been how long and nobody’s had to use the bathroom yet? That’s not at all realistic. Somebody would be crying and complaining right now if this was a real kidnapping situation.

“And my name is not America! I’m Canada!”

“Whatever you say, Canadia.” Louella said, before continuing to talk to the other gender swaps.

Alexis’s learned helplessness is real. Louella told them to start calling themselves and each other by their nation names and Alexis is the only person who went along with it. Not to mention the return of that stupid joke that probably only came up in the English dub of the anime once.

ALEXIS ABUSE +2

Alexis exited a random door from the eleven doors in the previous room.

Honey, you could be walking right into your death right now. You’ve been kidnapped by a probably-deranged person alongside a bunch of other little girls who are all getting stupid accents for some reason. What if you walked in on something you weren’t supposed to see?

But instead of a restroom, she found herself behind Prussia’s throne in the throne room. Prussia was talking to one of the black-clothes men when Alexis opened the door.

Like that! But why does Prussia randomly have a door leading from his ‘throne room’ (who the hell has a throne room just in their house) to a living room surrounded by eleven bedrooms? Why did he leave it unlocked? Prussia, one of those girls—probably your brother’s counterpart, if I had to wager a guess—could have hacked off the leg of a couch and used it to smash you in the head, allowing for an easy escape while you’re unconscious. Did you really not think this through?

“I’m not going to keep those girls for that long,” Prussia said. “I’m going to kick most of them out sometime tomorrow.”

If the nations aren’t already coming from Berlin, then how do you expect a bunch of people to get to Germany from all over the globe, including from North America and Asia, within a day?

Is this meant to suggest that he doesn’t want the nations to show up and get their gender swaps? Does he just want to troll everyone by leading them on to believe that they have gender swaps by brainwashing a bunch of girls and letting them out afterwards so they’ll never get to meet them?

You’re walking on thin ice, man! It’s a miracle that you haven’t disappeared over all these years, don’t push your luck by trying to get yourself killed!!

“What do you mean by ‘most of them’?” The black clothed man asked.

“I’m going to keep around only the gender swaps of the nations that would get the most pissed if I did that,” Prussia said. “I’m just going to keep the German one and maybe America’s and England’s gender swaps.”

He literally wants to die right now. He wants the other nations to kill him. He doesn’t want to be the one to off himself, so he’s goading all of the other nations on so they’ll kill him and he can basically commit suicide by cop. Jiminy Cricket, this got dark fast.

“And you’re just going to send all the rest of them out into the cold?” The black clothed man asked.

“What else would I do with them?” Prussia questioned.

What the fuck time of year is it? It’s cool enough that Ariana can hang around outside with earbuds in without freezing to death in America, but apparently it’s cold and snowy in Germany?

“You could put them up for sale on the internet,” the black clothed man suggested.

“Nah, do you know how often America is on the internet? He’d bid on them in a second.” Prussia said, sounding somewhat bored.

America specifically? What about Sweden? Considering that he bought Sealand off of the internet (which is probably what this is a reference to), it’s far more likely (and far more canonical) that he would take notice rather than America. I mean, America should be hot on your tail because you kidnapped nine American citizens and brainwashed them, but apparently in this wild storyline he’s not.

Not to mention all of the continued child trafficking implications that come with the suggestion of selling little girls on the internet.

“So, let me get this straight; you’re going to be sending six kids into other countries and expect for them not to be found?” the man asked.

Alright, who the heck is this guy? I love him. I want to give him a commendation for pigeonholing Prussia’s entire plan for me.

“Now that I think of it, it would be a very bad idea to just send off those children and let them be other countries’ slaves.

Past me, what year do you think it is? Illegal immigrants into other countries aren’t taken as slaves, especially if they’re little girls! Do I have to mention human trafficking again?

And I don’t think they would last more than a second if they wandered into Switzerland’s place!” Prussia exclaimed.

Because Switzerland is well known for shooting little girls who wander into Switzerland? Geneva Convention? That sketch in the anime about Italy being shot at for wandering into Switzerland’s yard was a joke about Switzerland shooting down planes flying in its airfield during World War II because of its neutrality. Since WWII is over, he’d have no reason to shoot everyone who comes into his yard!

You’ll see a continued series of mistakes that occurred because I didn’t know anything about history before watching this anime and took events/interactions literally instead of figuratively, often resulting in events that took place in the past (when the anime is primarily set) taking place--or continuing to take place--in the present (2012, that is--when this story is supposed to be set).

“But, it would send the other countries into madness if something bad were to happen to their gender swaps… Still going with my plan.” With that, Prussia stood up, and left the throne room through a different door than the one Alexis was behind.

So he literally is just trying to troll all of the countries and make them want to kick his ass? I can see him being a troll, but I can’t see him trying to make a bunch of other nations—most of them being his friends—want to wage war against him for no reason other than him, presumably, being bored.

Alexis gasped, and closed the door. She entered the living room area again, to see Louella speaking about what she believed would happen when they were released. “We should all stick together if our counterparts decide not to bother picking us up,” Louella said. “And just try to reach an airport and get to our respective countries.”

You mean the United States? Because that’s where you’re all from. You can speak with accents and call yourself by nation names all you want, but that’s still where your parents and your citizenship remains. You don’t even have passports with which to travel to other countries! It would be much easier to go to Interpol instead. And how do you mean to pay for all of those plane tickets across the world? With USD you may or may not have? You’re in Germany!

Ariana noticed Alexis enter again.

This is a relatively rare occurrence, only happening now because Ariana is a Mary-Sue starting after the first chapter. Yeah, you didn’t think it could get worse from there? It has.

“I have something to say, everyone,” Alexis began. But just as she was about to tell the rest of the gender swaps, Prussia entered.

“Get into your rooms now.” Prussia said simply. All of the girls left into their rooms, and Prussia exited again.

That was so curt and sudden and ridiculous that it’s almost hilarious. It’s like Prussia knew that Alexis was about to tell them something important because the fourth wall told him so he popped in specifically to make her stop it. And everyone just went along with his demand even though they had no real reason to do so.

Later, the original England got on an airplane, along with all of the other countries with discovered counterparts.

Okay, so they weren’t in Berlin earlier. In that case, where were they? Were they at the UN headquarters in New York or something? If that’s the case, then why didn’t America mention the fact that American citizens were kidnapped by German extremists?!

England had to sit beside France on the plane, so of course England had nothing to do.

“I bet your counterpart is very dumb,” France said when he noticed how angry England was because he had to sit beside him.

“I bet yours has a beard,” England said.

Boys, how old are you? Those are obviously insults written by a twelve-year-old me, not to mention that they’re totally random and stupid. Neither had really any prompting to insult the other and doing so is only going to make the flight more uncomfortable for both of them.

France growled, and the speakers in the plane boomed. “This will be a day long flight. Passengers, please fasten your seatbelts. Get ready for takeoff.” The place then ascended into the air (With a frightened Italy and annoyed Germany on board), on its way to pick up the counterparts.

On its way to re-kidnap kidnapped girls.

Ariana fell asleep that night, woke up and saw an odd figure looming over her bed. Ariana didn’t know who or what it was, but certainly hoped it wasn’t Iscah.

Oh yeah, she exists and I guess everyone is now afraid of her even though she hasn’t said a single word since she was introduced last chapter (no really, go look! She’s been mute this entire time). But why would she assume it was one of the other girls? The door is locked so no one can get in or out without, presumably, a key. Even if they could somehow get out of their rooms, it’s impossible to think they could have gotten into Ariana’s.

But the English counterpart turned on the lights to Francisca. Ariana screamed. “Francisca, what are you doing in my room?” she asked franticly.

Oh, I guess she was right to suspect one of the other girls. But still, how did Francisca get in? She would have had to phase through the door like some kind of specter.

In a full-blown French accent,

As opposed to a half-blown French accent I guess,

Francisca replied, “I just got the sudden urge to stalk you. I don’t know why.” She then chuckled exactly like France.

I’m sorry, what? That’s not normal for any person to say or do! That’s not even something France would do in canon! What the fuck?

“How did you even get in here?” Ariana asked.

“When Prussia dismissed us to our rooms, I hid under a couch until everyone was gone, and when you were napping, I snuck underneath your bed.” Francisca said with a sly smile.

That’s ridiculous! If the doors are all locked—presumably using an automatic lock system or keys—then how would Francisca get into Ariana’s room by locking herself out of her own room and then going into Ariana’s? If Prussia’s lock system could so easily be thwarted by a thirteen year old, then what’s the point of it?

“So, now what?” Ariana asked after a short span of awkward silence.

“I don’t know, what would France do about now?” Francisca questioned.

I don’t know, fuck off? You scared and humiliated your rival, now leave and stop creeping around like some weirdo.

…and if you couldn’t tell from this entire situation, younger me really didn’t like France. She thought he was a weirdo. I mean, he’s not a saint, but at least he doesn’t do this.

“Does that even matter?” Ariana asked.

An ominous voice from Ariana’s closet said, “I know what France would do…”

What is that meant to imply? It had better goddamn not be what I think it is, past me. I will knock you into this Tuesday.

“Iscah, get out here!” Ariana shouted.

Iscah exited the closet,

Insert a joke here.

and walked over to Ariana, who just got out of bed. “And what where you doing in here, Iscah?” Ariana asked.

Iscah’s face turned ominous as she said, “You would be freaked out if I told you.”

What, were you going to murder her? Or were you just intending to scare her further?

“I’m already freaked out! I’m just glad Francisca woke me up before you could do anything to me,” Ariana said.

“I wasn’t planning to wake you up,” Francisca said.

“You were just going to let Iscah do whatever she was planning to do to me?” Ariana asked.

“Pretty much,” Francisca said, nodding.

Oh my god, she is. Past me was implying rape. What. The. Fuck.

I WAS TWELVE WHEN I WROTE THIS.

“So I can go to sleep sane,” Ariana said. “Anyone else in my room?”

Allison stepped out from the closet.

Insert a joke but with more USUK shipteasing here.

“And why are you here?” Ariana asked.

“Iscah was in my room, and she was creeping me out way too much.” Allison said with a frightened face as Iscah looked to her with the ominous face.

“So, you decided to come into my room, hide in the closet, and then wait there until morning?” Ariana asked.

“Well, yeah.” Allison said, sounding very dim-witted.

“the ominous face”

No but seriously, if Allison was running away from Iscah, then why would she enter Ariana’s closet along with Iscah and chill out in there until Ariana told her to come out?

“Will everybody just get out of here?” Ariana questioned.

Allison walked to the door, and tried to open it. “Nope, we’re locked in.”

Well no shit! What did you expect? It’s a miracle that you managed to glitch through your door to get here in the first place, Allison! You didn’t hide in the living room to access Ariana’s room (which apparently works, according to Francisca), so your escape doesn’t make any sense. But really, if all of these girls could just leave their rooms anyway, why don’t they ollie out of Prussia’s lair and get the police before any more shenanigans can happen?

Ariana screamed in a very ghastly manner, because now she had to share a room with Francisca and Iscah, and only Iscah because Allison had led her in here.

“But why would you sneak in here and not Felicity’s room? She wouldn’t have woken up.” Ariana said.

Uhh, wow, thanks for throwing Felicity under the bus for no reason Ariana. What did she ever do to you to warrant you calling her stupid earlier and trying to have her room invaded now??

“She wasn’t there.” Allison said.

And shame on you for having the same idea!!

Just then, the Italy counterpart stuck her head out from under Ariana’s bed. “Hello, everybody!” she said in a cheerful matter before receding back under the bad after seeing all of the other counterparts staring at her. “Goodbye!” she said as she went back under the bed.

See? Look how precious she is! Never mind that she has no reason to be in here right now, she didn’t do anything to deserve such horrible treatment from her new friends!

Ariana had a creeped out face that she then replaced with uneasy smile. “Iscah and Francisca, would you go into the closet?”

Both of the two counterparts went into the closet,

Um…why? Isn’t Francisca freaked out by Iscah as well? What reason would there be for them to go in there together? They’re not being forced and, if Iscah is supposed to be a carbon clone of Russia, then she shouldn’t appreciate being bossed around by someone ‘weak’ like Ariana.

and Ariana covered the door with the desk and chair in her room so they wouldn’t be able to do anything to her during the night.

And yet she doesn’t do this to Allison because…she’s not as creepy? Plot twist; she was actually the one who showed up to draw dicks on Ariana’s face while she was asleep. The others just have really crappy motives (especially Felicity, who has no motive).

“Now no one else wants to hang out with Iscah and Francisca in that closet, correct?” Ariana asked the other counterparts in an eerie manner. When all of thee counterparts

Three? But Felicity and Allison are the only ones not in the closet right now. Are there any other Squidwards I should know about??

slowly shook their heads, Ariana flopped back into bed and fell asleep.

Luckily for her, this encounter with ‘dangerous’ people didn’t make her any less apt to go to sleep. But is threatening Allison and Felicity really necessary? Allison was trying to get away from Iscah in the first place and is probably muttering Catholic prayers and backing away from the closet right now and I’ll be damned if Felicity is going to try any weird shit in the middle of the night. The worst I can see her doing is crawling into or onto Ariana’s bed because she got scared.

While she was sleeping, Francisca began to wail from the closet. If Ariana was awake, she’s be thinking “Only God knows what terrible things Iscah’s doing in there.”

This statement is a mess not just because of the diction and grammar, but because of the implied violence/adolescent rape. Seriously, what was my fascination with rape all about?

But I have to wonder, if the other swaps sleep in Ariana’s brainwashing room, will they all become British too? That’s how the rooms are said to work, so did they just…suddenly stop working alongside the locks on all of the doors?

The next morning, the nation’s airplane landed, and the nations left the plane after grabbing their luggage.

They’re just planning on picking up a bunch of girls, aren’t they? How much luggage do they need?

All of the countries had a good idea about what their counterpart looked like, except Italy, who just imagined Chibitalia.

I can’t tell if this is a dig at Italy for being stupid or a dig at the others for thinking that their counterparts would look like them with long hair (if even that) and boobs.

“Where are we supposed to go?” Italy asked Germany.

“Well, I guess to Prussia’s ouse,” Germany replied.

You mean…your house, right? You do know where your own house is, don’t you? Considering that you took a plane to get to your own country, I’m not too sure.

“I’ll lead everyone there!” America volunteered.

“You’d just get us lost,” England sneered.

“Yes, and Germany should know the way better than anybody.” Japan said.

Yes, because—again—it’s HIS HOUSE.

America pouted as Germany led them to Prussia’s house (Which was relatively close, but caused America to exclaim “Dude, It was that way?”)

“Dude, I’m a Flanderized character!?”

On that same morning at the same time,

Um…didn’t want to opt for the ‘Meanwhile’, past me?

Ariana woke up. She noticed Allison, who was sleeping on the floor with a blanket,

A blanket from hammerspace, I presume.

had glasses on. “That’s weird, Allison wasn’t wearing glasses last night,” Ariana thought.

Probably because Nyotalia America doesn’t need glasses.

“And why am I so hot?”

Wow that’s an uncharacteristically haughty thing to say Ariana watch your ego!!!

She stepped out of bed, and noticed that she was wearing the same uniform as England casually wore, but the shirt part was a dress, and had a black ribbon instead of a tie.

“Whaaa?” Ariana questioned loudly enough to wake Felicity and Allison.

“WAAAA” for Waluigi is right. A shirt dress? Why not just give her a feminized version of England’s uniform instead if you really want to rip off the originals’ style? Like, the jacket’s the same but the pants are a skirt instead. Shirt dresses should only be worn to bed.

“What’s going on?” Allison asked, reaching to rub her eyes but rubbing her glasses instead. “And what happened to my eye?”

“You have glasses on, you moron.” Ariana answered plainly.

Hey, that’s an understandable mistake to make. People don’t usually sleep with glasses on their face, and when they do, they usually fall off. Allison has every reason to wonder if there’s something wrong with her eyes. They must be deceiving her because something impossible in real life just happened.

“I do?” Allison said. She got up, and walked to the mirror present in Ariana’s room. Allison gasped when she noticed her now smudged glasses and shirt dress and brown ribbon. “Dude,” she said, dumbfounded.

So…Everyone has a shirt dress? Eww. Past me needs to learn about style. I mean, have you seen the canon Nyotalia designs? They’re adorable. I’m in love with half of those girls. Maybe not America so much, but the others are great. So why disregard those designs in favor of these ugly ones?

All of the girls discovered they wore the same shirt dresses and ribbons, except Iscah, who just wore Russia’s outfit with tights instead of pants.

Actually, that outfit sounds kind of cute. Commendations in that regard.

When the time came for the conversation hour, all of the girls were blaming each other for their new, and rather uncomfortable and unstylish, costumes.

Why would they immediately blame each other and not Prussia or his mysterious ‘black-clothes men’?

But Felicity didn’t seem to mid hers a bit, and neither did Iscah or Francisca.

“Silence!” Louella shouted.

No but seriously, a thirteen year old girl has no reason to speak like this.

“We don’t need to blame each other, because it was me!”

“What?” Ariana asked.

‘What’ is right! How did Louella manage to sew all of these designs (somehow knowing what their counterparts wore), leave her room, enter the rooms of the other swaps, undress them, and redress them without anyone waking up and noticing? And how did she know that Francisca and Iscah were in Ariana’s closet, Allison was on Ariana’s floor, and Felicity was under the bed and account for that without waking anybody up?

“I don’t even need glasses!” Allison shouted. She threw the glasses off of her face, and began to walk around. “See, those were use-“she was cut off when she tripped over a couch and fell right beside her glasses. She put them on again.

…So she threw her glasses onto the ground—presumably at her feet–, walked forward, tripped over a large couch, and somehow landed back where she’d discarded her glasses so she could put them on again? Never mind the fact that tripping over a couch is impossible, that thing with the glasses had to involve some sort of teleportation.

I know that I meant to say that she ‘tripped over the couch’s leg/foot’ rather than ‘she tripped over a couch’ , but that’s how the finished product was released so that’s what I’m reviewing. And now we have a mental image of an Allison GMOD model flying into the air, flipping over a couch, and landing face first into the floor.

“I like it,” Francisca said.

“Shut it, Francisca,” Ariana said.

Just what this fic needed—more pointless conflict!

“I spent all day yesterday designing these, stop complaining!” Louella said. “I thought our counterparts would want us more if we resembled them even more.”

I’m sorry, what? Why is Louella so determined to go along with these people Prussia says is coming to get them? What is she running away from?

And…she does know that their counterparts can’t see them right now, right? So what’s the purpose in dressing like idiots in the meantime?

“We were fine without these outfits!” Yiesha shouted, sending the group once again into chaos. The girls were quieted when the chime of a doorbell rang throughout the room.

“Who is it?” Kierra questioned.

“It’s Himaruya, here to save everyone with the canon and erase all of the out of place references to rape”

“I’ll look out the window in Francisca’s room. It has a view right above the door.” Ariana said, walking into the French counterpart’s room.

Uhhh, I’m sorry?? First of all, how did Ariana know this? Second, if there’s a straight-up WINDOW in one of the rooms, why don’t they just leave out of the window and go to the police??

She glanced out of the window, and gasped. She ran back into the room with the other girls. “You won’t believe this!” she exclaimed. “It’s them! They’re here!”

But will they want their gender swaps if it turns out that they’re all clairvoyant teenagers cosplaying as badly-designed female counterparts??

It seems like it’s over now, doesn’t it? You just wait… (Creepy Iscah face)

Oh yes, that…well-known creepy Iscah face. You mean ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)?

Anyway, that was chapter 2 and BOY HOWDY was that an experience. It’s only getting worse since the first chapter and I promise, it only gets more convoluted and stupid from here on out. Come back next time for some crappy spy work, sick burns, and really, really flawed logic.

(CANADA/ALEXIS ABUSE COUNTER: 3)

#hetalia #fanfiction review #kittymonk's fanfiction reviews #fanfic review #writing review #hetalia axis powers #genderswapped nations #genderswapped nations review #fanfiction #my old writing

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kittymonks-fanfiction · 5 years

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Genderswapped Nations Review - Chapter 7

Welcome back to Genderswapped Nations, where the girls are mean and the plot is shitty. In the last chapter, we suffered through Ariana’s visit to the hospital where she did nothing to show her sympathy for Italy past bringing a Walmart cake and starting a food fight with her counterpart’s worst enemy. Not only that, but we also learned that Sealand is not only the god of rowing his boat but also the worst friend ever. In this chapter...well, let’s see what the title says will happen.

Chapter 7: Ice Cream and Ill Humor

Remember how chapter 5’s title (Hamburgers and Hurt) was the third worst title? This one is the second worst title. Yes, folks, it gets even worse than this. While ice cream does make a prominent appearance in this chapter, ‘Ill Humor’ is just referring to the fact that this chapter is serious in comparison to the food fights and implied attempted sexual assault in the last chapters. It would’ve been a much better idea to make the second word something related to the backstory which makes this chapter more serious instead of making the chapter proclaim itself as being serious in its title. And if you want to alliterate with an easier letter than ‘I’, you could’ve used a close synonym like ‘Gelato’ or ‘Sundaes’ or a synecdoche like ‘Cones’ . ‘Gelato and Guilt’, ‘Sundaes and Sadness’ or ‘Cones and Confessions’, for example, would have all been much better titles…though really anything would be better than ‘Ice Cream and Ill Humor’.

Ariana woke up the next morning and rubbed her eyes, before re-rubbing them when she noticed something on her nightstand.

Then she rubbed her eyes again when she remembered the shenanigans that took place last chapter, and again when she realized that she was in a bad fanfiction. Then she chafed her eyes and couldn’t use them anymore.

She picked it up, and found it to be a cold container covered with a thin layer of ice.

I mean, by that point, it should be obvious to Ariana that it’s ice cream.

She scraped off some of the ice on the container to see two words labeling the small container; ICE CREAM. "What the…?" she asked to nobody, wondering why there was suddenly ice cream on her nightstand.

Not only is there suddenly ice cream, but since there’s still ice on the surface, that means that the culprit must’ve left the room directly before she woke up. If the culprit left it any earlier, then it wouldn’t be icy anymore. Hm….

….

"ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM!" After hearing this echo through her dreams, Allison shot up to see what was going on. Expecting to see something dangerous,

What could possibly be dangerous about a person shouting ‘ice cream, ice cream, ice cream’??

she instead saw her gender swap jumping up and down and swooning over a container of what seemed to be vanilla ice cream.

"What the hell are you doing?" Allison asked America. "And how do you have ice cream?"

He could’ve gotten it from the freezer…though either way, that first question is totally justified. What the hell is he doing?

"I came in here to wake you up, and found this ice cream on your forehead! I thought you didn't want it, so I took it!" America explained ecstatically.

Wait, how was the culprit able to put a container of ice cream on her forehead without waking her up and without the ice cream falling onto the ground when she turned over in her sleep? And why would America see that ice cream on his counterpart’s forehead and take it with the intention to eat it? And if the culprit (assuming it’s the same person) just struck in the UK, then how did they get to the United States so quickly and break into the White House all without letting the ice cream melt??

"Hey, I still want it!" Allison said. She jumped from her bed and tackled America, and began to wrestle the ice cream from his hands.

Behold, a twelve year old girl wrestling the United States of Fucking America for a tiny container of ice cream that would be so cheap to buy at your local convenience store that even I could afford it! Genderswapped Nations, everyone!

….

Iscah woke up to the Baltic States looking over her holding something. "What are you holding?" she asked.

All three of them are holding it at the same time. It’s like Light as a Feather, Thick as a Board but with ice cream.

"I-it's something we found on your bedside, M-miss Iscah," Latvia said nervously.

"Well, then let me have it," Iscah said. Latvia shakily handed the item to Iscah, and then he and the other two Baltics left Iscah's bedroom quickly. Iscah rubbed some of the ice off the odd item once they were gone, and discovered that it was vanilla ice cream.

Well, that scene was totally pointless. Hopefully that’s the end of things because this chapter is quickly beginning to look like—

….

Louella woke up earlier than usual, and then prepared some food for her, Germany, and Felicity. After she finished her food and Germany finished his, she entered Felicity's room and set the food on her nightstand gently, before going to her room again to find something weird on her bed. She walked over to the odd thing and picked it up, and found its surface to be icy. She scraped off some of the ice, and found in blocky letters written on the side, 'ICE CREAM'. "How odd," Louella thought.

Are we really going through this same song-and-dance for every girl? It’s not like their reactions are that different, they just do normal things you’d expect their counterparts to do and then it’s like ‘oh look, ice cream!’, and that’s if you’re LUCKY.

….

Kierra woke up and got some tea from Japan,

Out of context this sounds really funny, like this girl goes to the nation of Japan specifically to get tea and then goes home to who-knows-whereland.

before returning back to her room later to straighten up her bed. However, when she made her bed, she saw a small lump underneath the covers. So she lifted the covers, and discovered ice cream. "Who in the world would sneak into my bedroom and give me ice cream?" she thought.

Better question: How in the world did you make your bed without seeing the ice cream first?

….

Francisca drowsily woke up, and immediately felt a presence behind her. She turned around, and balanced on her bed's headboard, found ice cream instead of an intruder.

Eww, the ice cream has an aura? It’s got to be moldy, then.

She took it off the headboard and inspected it, wondering, "Who put this here? It couldn't have been France…"

Why not? Is he too good to serve convenience store vanilla ice cream?

….

Yiesha yawned and woke up,

It sure is lucky that everyone’s waking up at the exact same time despite time zone differences!

before giving her panda plush a big hug. But instead of warmth from the hug, she felt coldness. "What's wrong, feeling bad, aru?" she asked the plush.

Yiesha’s supposed to be fifteen, by the way. Do you know any fifteen year olds who believe that their stuffed animals are living, sentient beings that can be in bad moods and assume that people are physically colder when they’re in bad moods? No? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

But upon further inspection, she found that her panda was clutching a container of ice cream. "How did that get there?" she thought.

How did that get there?? Of all of these occurrences, this one is easily the least plausible. I could believe that Allison could sleep through having ice cream placed on her forehead since I’m still not convinced that she can feel anything yet, but how do you put cold ice cream in the arms of a teddy bear being embraced by a sleeping person without said sleeping person waking up to notice??

….

Mattie woke up to a phone call. She got out of her bed, and answered the phone. "Hello, Mattie speaking," she said.

I can already tell that this is gonna end well.

"Mattie! Mattie!" Allison's shouting from the phone caught her by surprise.

"What?" She asked.

"Dude, check your nightstand! I just found some ice cream on mine!" Allison said.

No you didn’t, your counterpart found ice cream on your forehead! Or did you get two for some reason? Boo, you don’t deserve it!!

"Really?" Mattie questioned.

"Yeah, no kidding!" Allison said.

Mattie hung up and ran to her nightstand and searched around everywhere, but found nothing. "I guess I got forgotten again…" she thought sadly.

That’s a slap in the fucking face. Why even do that? Spoilers, the ice cream is supposed to be comfort ice cream to help the counterparts through this difficult time with Italy, so this just makes it extra hurtful.

Even still though, I feel like I’ve been arbitrarily doubling my additions to the Canada/Mattie Abuse counter enough as it is, so that’ll just be one point. Don’t worry, the story will make up for it later.

--CANADA/MATTIE ABUSE +1

….

Felicity woke up to breakfast on her nightstand, which looked great. She ate it quickly, and then fell asleep again.

Man, I wish my mornings were like that.

When she woke up again, she found a huge chocolate fudge sundae on her nightstand. "Dessert?" she questioned excitedly, before discovering a notecard beside the base. It read, 'Sorry about Italy. From, Anonymous'. She looked at the card oddly, before grabbing the sundae and beginning to eat carelessly.

And then it was probably poisoned? With the ongoing threat Prussia’s been (apparently), this seems a little careless. He’s inhabiting the same house as this girl right now, so I imagine she should be a lot more wary about this mysterious hot fudge sundae.

Then again, it’s Felicity and her only character trait is being a moron, so I guess there’s nothing to do about it.

….

At about the same time Felicity got her ice cream, Ariana was eating her ice cream on the shore, but noticed Sealand wasn't on his rig like he usually would be.

I’m not even going to question how that works with the time zones and not letting the ice cream melt.

"Where could he possibly be?" She turned to her left, and said, "At least I've got you, Flying Mint Bunny!"

"Yeah, I'll always be right here by your side!" the imaginary creature said gleefully.

Ariana talked and played with Flying Mint Bunny,

Embrace this moment while you can, folks, because this is the last time that Flying Mint Bunny appears and the last time that Ariana is really characterized in the same way a Flanderized England would be. From hereon out, she’s just a Mary-Sue who whines a lot. Really makes the “I’ll always be right here” line pretty ironic, actually.

until she heard splashing to her right. She turned around, and saw someone running at a high speed across the water. It then leaped onto Sealand's rig, confusing Ariana. "Why would Sealand leave his rig?" she thought, continuing to eat her ice cream.

She sees her best friend running on water like Jesus and that’s her only question??

But then she took the lid to the ice cream container and noticed a logo- with Sealand's face in a shaky- looking chibi form as the centerpiece.

"It was Sealand!" Ariana exclaimed to Flying Mint Bunny.

"Yeah, figure that out yourself, Sherlock?" the bunny teased.

Apparently so, and it’s very strange that it took this long for ANYONE to notice. Nobody knew who it was, but with Sealand printing his mug on every container, how could they not? I guess he’s a little-known micronation, but even still, what?

"Oh, shut up! Who needs you?" Ariana shouted in anger, shooing the bunny away. It floated away in melancholy.

Well, goodbye forever, Flying Mint Bunny. You were a great ally for as long as you lasted. I salute you.

In the corner of her eye, she noticed bright orange float from the rig. Once again, Sealand leaped into the orange raft and paddled like mad until he hit the shore Ariana was on,

Why’s he bothering with the raft when we just learned that he can walk on fucking water?

before sitting down beside Ariana. "Hey, Ariana, where'd you get the ice cream?" he asked.

"I found it on my nightstand this morning," Ariana said, joking with the boy by keeping her knowledge of his ice cream a secret.

They both know that the ice cream exists, so what does this even mean?

"Do you know who it's from?" Sealand asked, his voice being cracked by giggles.

"Yeah," Ariana said.

"Who?"

Ariana poked Sealand in the chest. "You."

Oh my GOD they’re flirting. GOD! THE POLICE! CALL SOMEONE! NOOOOOO!!

Sealand looked surprised. "How did you figure me out?"

Ariana simply held up the lid of the container, showing Sealand's odd chibi face.

Sealand face palmed. "I tried to cover it with white-out, but it didn't work! I feel dumb now!"

There are only two ways how that could be possible; either the white-out was removed when the ice was wiped off the cup or he never tried to use white-out in the first place. Either way, why would he print the containers like that if he didn’t want anyone to know that it was him?

"Don't feel dumb," Ariana said, ruffling Sealand's hair for no reason whatsoever.

Wait, so are they flirting or not? That seemed like the sort of thing that would be written to shut down a shipping attempt, but they’re definitely flirting. The Principality of Sealand has existed since the fifties or sixties! He’s young by a country’s standards but he’d still be robbing the cradle if he and Ariana dated! Like, can you even imagine that? Ewwww! Not to mention, Sealand is supposed to hate England! Why, then, would he turn around and try to fuck his female counterpart?!

"Anyone who can sneak into my room without me noticing is pretty clever." "Except Francisca," she thought.

Ew, not with this again.

"Ariana, I have something to ask you," Sealand said.

"Yes, what is it?" Ariana asked.

"Do you… like me?"

OH MY GOD! NO! NO! NOOO! CALL THE NAVY SEALS! CALL THE COAST GUARD! CALL THE ROYAL CANADIAN MOUNTED POLICE! CALL ANYBODY! SOMEBODY NEEDS TO SAVE US FROM THIS MESS!

Ariana responded in shock, "Not in that way! Just as a friend!"

Sealand looked sadly to the waves lapping on the shore. "Oh, okay then."

"Look, its okay," Ariana said, putting her head down too so she could look at Sealand. "I can't like you. At home, I had a boyfriend."

I’m almost surprised by that fact, not only because she’s thirteen but because she’s relatively unappealing as a person.

"What do you mean, 'at home'? Don't you live here?" Sealand asked with a puzzled look.

"Not always. I kind of only came to live here after I got kidnapped," Ariana explained.

"By that English twit?" Sealand asked roughly.

"No, by Prussia," Ariana said.

Wait, shouldn’t Sealand know this information already? If they’re such good friends, then how didn’t this come up sooner?

"And then he made me despise him more by attacking the most loveable guy I know, Italy."

"Can't you just ask to go back home?" Sealand asked.

"The thing is… I'm not sure if I want to anymore," Ariana said, looking down. "I've made so many friends here in Europe, and I don't want to lose any one of them."

Yeah, your beloved European friends! You’ve got Sealand, um…nobody else that I can think of since you like to randomly antagonize everyone else…Yeah! All of those valuable European friends that you should remain missing in the U.S. for!

"But… What about your parents? They must be so worried," Sealand said.

"Being the youngest out of four, I'm often ignored. I doubt anyone even notices I'm gone yet." Tears began to run down the British girl's cheeks.

What the shit? This is coming right the fuck out of nowhere. Like, where was the prompting? Also, four isn’t a lot of children and she’s the baby of the family. Of course they’re going to know she’s gone. And even if it’s not a normal family situation and her parents are abusive or something, then they’ll still take notice if their youngest daughter is gone. She won’t want to go back and they may not seek her out, sure, but it would be impossible to just disregard. Not to mention, she’s a bright-eyed blond little white girl. Her disappearance is not going to go unnoticed by the American media.

"I was outside when I got kidnapped. I always went outside. Getting away from the world where everyone ignores me to a world where anything is possible just felt like a miracle."

Wouldn’t this backstory be a lot more understandable if she were the middle child in a family of, like, ten? Or if she was adopted or something? Then her origins could be obscured enough that you could reveal later on that she’s actually a full-blooded Brit. And evidently she isn’t totally ignored since they bought her an iPod or an MP3 player or something for her to get kidnapped from, so it’s just super nonsensical. You can tell that I made this up on the spot.

"I think I understand now," Sealand said, before glancing to the empty container of ice cream in Ariana's hand. "So, do you want more ice cream? I can go get some."

Hold up, when the hell did she eat it? I think I missed something. Unless she was stuffing her face while crying and giving Sealand her entire life’s story, then that container should still be mostly full.

"No thanks," Ariana said, standing up and walking away and left Sealand sitting on the shore by himself.

Wow, cold! What the fuck? And it just ends after that. That’s all, folks.

I admit, this chapter was a little less funny than some of the other chapters, because I've wanted to explain the back stories of some of the gender swaps.

Feh, I wouldn’t feed that horrible backstory to my cat.

Next up is going to be Iscah, I think. Not sure yet :3

Great, let’s read about the character who’s been repurposed into a memetic molester. I’m soooo excited to see you defend her actions up to now. Anyway, you heard the woman. That’s what we’ve got in store for us next time. Exclusively. Without any B-story or relevance to the ‘plot’. Yaaaaaaay.

(CANADA/MATTIE ABUSE COUNTER= 13)

#kittymonk's fanfiction reviews #fanfiction #fanfiction review #hetalia #hetalia axis powers #fanfic review #writing review #genderswapped nations #genderswapped nations review #my old writing

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kittymonks-fanfiction · 5 years

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Genderswapped Nations Review - Chapter 6

Hello all, welcome back to Genderswapped Nations, the only fanfic where you’ll find a bunch of teenage girls beginning World War III and then sweeping such a world-ending, war-inspiring incident under the rug and turning it in to a simple trip to the hospital. Last time, as you may or not remember, we learned that Italy’s been attacked by Prussia and a ‘few other countries’, apparently only emerging alive because ‘a couple of other countries’ intervened. Romano has told Germany and the swaps that he is in very bad condition—bad enough that they weren’t able to visit him last chapter—but since this new chapter is a new day in the life of our resident Sue-riana, our chances will probably be better now. So then, let’s immerse ourselves in this mixed-up reality again and check on our good pal Italy to make sure he’s okay.

Chapter 6: Respite and Rigs

If ‘respite’ means that the narration will calm down and start to go into detail about the things we’re seeing and the ways our characters are feeling for once without jumping to random threatening phone calls and villainous nonsense in order to make it seem like something’s going on when nothing’s happening, then I’ll gladly take it.

Not only that, but if the title is any indication, then it looks like we can expect some Sealand in this new chapter. Oh boy, yes, do just the opposite of what I asked you to do last chapter. Involve Sealand and ruin him somehow. Please, I like to be tortured.

Felicity was going to stay at Germany's house with Louella until Italy was okay again. The hospital had given the gender swaps permission to visit Italy, while Romano and Felicity were always allowed.

I don’t understand this, really. Felicity could just stay at Italy’s since Romano would be there—I mean, he has the patience to deal with his brother, so he should have the patience to deal with his swap—and the swaps specifically shouldn’t have limited access to see him. If anything, the hospital should be more wary of Germany since he sort of enabled his brother to carry through with this attack in the first place. If Germany had cracked the whip right after this whole kidnapping incident and talked to his brother about his motivations and intentions, this attack may not have happened in the first place. Then you can have some dramatic tension where Germany realizes that he shares some of the blame and refuses to visit the hospital because of his guilt, but then Felicity shows up and convinces him that Italy doesn’t blame him for anything and asks him to come by.

...Wow, I just came up with a fanfic plot better than all 20 of these chapters combined in the matter of a minute or two. I should take note of this little plot of mine, I might make something out of it one day.

"Come on, England, I want to bring something that tastes good," Ariana complained.

"What do you mean, Ariana? My scones taste wonderful!" England said. He forced the container of scones into Ariana's arms, because she was about to go visit Italy.

Well come on, he’s already in the hospital. Even if you poison him, a nurse’ll be right there. It’s not like you’d be putting him in that much danger.

She exited the door,

I just really like this line for some reason. Sorry for cutting out a line so short, I just...really like the descriptiveness here.

and once she was far from England's house, she dumped the scones into a trash can and instead bought a small cake.

As funny as this is, I can’t help but think it would have meant a lot more to Italy if you brought homemade food instead of something purchased from a grocery store bakery. Even if the food looks and tastes terrible, it’s the thought that counts.

She entered the hospital.

Is this going to become a trend? Because I like it.

Ariana checked the note card in her pocket with Italy's room number on it, and she searched around only slightly before she found Italy's room. When she entered, she noticed Felicity and Romano were right by Italy's side, and Louella and Germany were sitting in a couch in the room, looking at the floor, perhaps because they didn't want to be too worried. Ariana was glad to hear Italy talking to his brother and gender swap like nothing had happened.

I have to wonder what time of day it is right now. Are these really the only other guests he has right now? Italy? Considering that these guys have probably been in the room since the hospital first let them in, it makes me sort of sad to think of how few people showed up.

Everyone didn't notice Ariana until she put the cake, which read 'Get Well Soon', on a table there. Felicity, Italy, and Romano turned around to look at Ariana, while Germany and Louella both glanced at her before looking away.

She didn’t just set the cake down, she slammed it against the table to command everyone’s attention. That’s the only reason why such a simple action as that rather than the footsteps and the new presence in the room tipped them off to a new visitor.

Italy said, "Hey, look, Germany, its Britain's gender swap!", but even still Germany didn't meet his gaze.

Mysteriously, even though this entire fic is based off of the English dub where England is only called Britain, this is the only chapter besides the second one (which is just an offhanded mention) where England is called Britain in the entire fic and it only occurs three times. Hm.

Ariana thought she saw Romano scowl just a bit when his younger brother called for Germany.

"Do you think you could serve some slices of that cake?" Felicity asked Ariana. She nodded, and pulled out a plastic butter knife.

Okay, sue me for asking, but...why was Ariana randomly carrying around a plastic butter knife for just such an occasion as this?

She proceeded to cut six pieces from the cake and served them to everyone in the room, with one left over for her.

After Ariana ate her cake, she went over to Felicity and asked, "So, is he going to be okay?"

Yes, let us eat cake before we ask about the person who almost just died the other day! Your entire purpose for coming to this hospital was to check up on Italy, Ariana! Did you forget about that and decide it was cake time instead?

"Yeah, he's going to be fine," Felicity said. "When Romano said he was 'really hurt', he was being kind of overdramatic. All that really happened is that he broke his leg and has a small bruise on his forehead."

"I wasn't being overdramatic! You don't think breaking a leg is terrible?" Romano shouted.

"No, it doesn't hurt that bad anymore," Italy answered.

Romano growled a little after he realized what Felicity had said about being overdramatic was true,

But Germany acted like it was this big deal and he almost died last chapter even though he said that Italy was fine. So now we have Romano saying that he’s ‘really hurt’ and Germany taking away from this description that he’s ‘fine’ but simultaneously acting like Italy almost died, and now both reactions are asinine since all he has is a broken leg and a random bruise on his forehead. He’s a country, he could get over that in a few days at most. I know it’s the principle of the attack that matters, but it’s still ridiculous that such a big deal was made over a broken leg and a bruise. America achieved the same injuries after lunging at a cup of ice cream in the anime—I think Italy will survive.

and Ariana glanced over to Germany and Louella, who still had their full cake slices on their plates.

"Why aren't you eating?" Ariana asked.

"We're not hungry," Louella said.

"And besides, who would eat cake when someone gets hurt? It's like you're celebrating it or something." Germany added.

You know, Germany actually has a good point. Bringing food to the hospital usually isn’t the tradition. Usually when someone in a family is in the hospital, well-wishers send food to the household. The patient usually has plenty of hospital food and, at least from my experience, it’s not half bad.

"I guess you're right," Ariana said. "But it was either a cake or England's scones."

"Oh, well then you definitely made the right decision." A voice sounded from the door, and Ariana (And everyone else in the room) turned around.

That’s the perfect metaphor for this entire fic; Ariana does something, then everyone else does exactly what Ariana did in unison.

At the door were Francisca and France, Francisca holding a platter. The one who had spoken was France.

I’m glad you made that distinction, narration, because it easily could have been either of these enormous stereotypes.

Romano sweated a little. "Well, Veneziano, it's been nice, but I have to go now. Bye!" He said quickly, before running for the door at the sight of France.

"But big brother, I-" Italy began, before noticing Romano was already out the door and stopping his sentence.

He’s...running in the direction of France to avoid him? Man, this is like Iscah and Allison in the closet all over again!

"Hey, I want some cake, too!" Francisca said, with a cat smile on her face.

"Don't leave me out!" France said with the same face. Ariana looked to Louella and Germany, who handed their cakes to her. She then proceeded to throw the cakes at the French people's faces. Their expressions didn't change as the cakes slowly slid down their faces and hit the floor.

That’s probably the worst usage of an appositive in place of a pronoun I’ve ever seen in my life. French people. You know that Francisca isn’t really even French, right? Also, those two had ample time to figure out that Ariana was going to throw the cakes and preemptively get out of the way. They were basically asking for it.

"How rude," Francisca said to Ariana.

"Well, she doesn't have to have any of our food," France said to his gender swap.

"Hey, I didn't throw any cakes or anything, so I get your food, right?" Felicity asked.

"What did you bring?" Italy asked excitedly, hoping for pasta just as much as his gender swap was.

Yay, double the Italy, double the really sad idiocy that makes these two adorable sweethearts into generic idiot characters.

Francisca tilted the platter so everyone could see the food. It was a rather French looking (Whatever that might look like) pizza with snails on it.

Was that...the author acknowledging that the adjective she used was really crappy? I can’t believe it. She’s proactively reviewing this fanfic for me!! It’s like we can tell the future. Like right now, I can tell that I’m going to absolutely die when we reach the next chapter and I have to point out all of the things that won’t make sense there.

And ah yes, the most classic of all French delicacies; escargot, pot au feu, omlet du fromage...pizza with snails on it? That’s just putting a French food on a totally unrelated Italian dish! Hell, if you really wanted to flatter him, you could have made macaroni and cheese. That’s fondue added to pasta, practically!! And who wouldn’t appreciate some good ol’ fashioned mac and cheese? It’s comfort food!

"I wouldn't want your food, anyway! Who puts snails on a pizza?" Ariana asked, disgusted.

Okay, okay...Let’s get the obligatory Inside Out reference out the way. Congratulations, France, you’ve ruined pizza!!

"If Britain had the recipe for normal pizza, snails would be there anyway," France insulted.

That’s actually a really funny insult, even if it doesn’t make much sense. Snails aren’t exactly the most common household pests....

As Ariana growled, Italy turned to Germany and asked, "Hey, remember when you, Japan, and I ate those snails during World War II? It was really fun, wasn't it, Germany?"

"It was a war, Italy, it wasn't fun," Germany said simply, not shifting his glance from his boots.

I don’t know, the shenanigans and sand castles made it seem pretty fun. You really can’t make comments like that when the entire concept of Hetalia is ‘history made fun’.

Italy frowned. "Hey, Germany, what's wrong? I'm not hurt that bad, see?" He got out of the hospital bed, revealing a cast on his right leg. He stood there without trouble, and lifted some of his hair to reveal a small bruise on his forehead.

Louella half opened her mouth in surprise, Germany looked up smiled slightly, and Felicity cheered, "Yay!"

If he’s really that okay, then why isn’t he home right now? Why is he bedridden at the hospital when all he needed was a cast and a Band-Aid?

Italy smiled. "See, Germany, I'm fine! And I'm going to be home tomorrow, so no worries!" He sat back down on his bed.

Tomorrow is still way later than you’d usually expect with injuries like this. Unless he broke his femur or he needs surgery for what seems like a straightforward injury, I don’t know why he’d be staying in the hospital for an extended period of time.

"Who else visited today?" Ariana asked Felicity.

"Allison came over with Tony a few minutes before you came, and she brought some fast food. But we didn't want any, so she just went home with it.

“Hey dudes, you want this food?”

“No thank you, I don’t want a heart attack.”

“Well fuck you then, we’re going home! Eat dicks, Pizza Pastas!”

Yeah, that seems like the sort of thing you’d expect from Allison.

Japan and Kierra came with Germany and Louella, and after a while, Japan and Kierra left.

Wow, some axis buddies they are.

Oh yeah, and Austria came over, too. He brought a miniature piano. He started to play it, but then a nurse kicked him out for waking up the other patients. And then he yelled a lot of bad words on his way out the door." Felicity replied.

Austria swore a lot? Are we thinking of the same country? Also, why would he bring a miniature piano instead of, I don’t know, a Casio keyboard? Why would he bring either of those things in the first place when everyone else has been bringing food, never mind in the early morning or late in the night?

By the way, this is the only time we get to hear of Austria directly throughout the fic. He indirectly becomes important later, but this is the only direct thing we ever hear of him doing. So...enjoy it while you can. He’s gotten to escape far sooner than we have.

Godspeed, good sir. May your vital regions remain unoccupied.

"Hey, anyone know if Romano coming back anytime soon?" Italy asked. Everyone shook their heads.

"Who wants our pizza?" Francisca asked.

"No thanks, I'm full," Italy said.

"Me too," Felicity agreed.

"Same here," Germany said.

"Yup," Louella said.

"I wouldn't eat that pizza if it were the last food on Earth!" Ariana laughed.

"Ariana," Felicity said.

"What?" Ariana asked.

"Too far," Felicity answered.

What a stunning conversation! I wish I could have such astounding conversations in real life!

Also, that last joke is stolen from the awkward first season of DBZ Abridged and doesn’t really make sense since Ariana barely insulted France. If anything, his sick burn about England’s pizzas was more ‘too far’ worthy than that. Or was this one more offensive because the world is on the brink of a third world war that might cause snail pizza to be the last food on Earth…?

France and Francisca looked rather annoyed. France said, "Chances are, England's food would be the last food on Earth, not mine."

Ariana growled. "Hey! His food is…" Ariana had an uneasy smile as she lied, "… Great."

Says the person who literally threw his food in the trash earlier and bought a Walmart cake instead.

Francisca broke out laughing. "Yeah, and so is the dirt in our backyard!" she joked. Then France started to laugh as well.

"Hey, you shut up!" Ariana demanded, pointing at Francisca.

"Ooh, feisty!" France commented.

AAH, CREEPY.

"And you!" Ariana said, pointing to France. "Do everyone a favor and stop being such a pervert!"

Francisca lifted the pizza and Ariana noticed her eyes dart around her eyebrows, aiming to throw the pizza.

See? If Ariana was able to tell that Francisca was about to throw food, then why couldn’t France or Francisca tell when Ariana was about to do it? It doesn’t make any sense.

Also, just thought I should add…a food fight in the middle of a hospital room isn’t very gentlewomanly, you two. Learn your manners.

She was able to avoid the shot, though, but only because Francisca was a terrible shot.

Of course she was, compared to the great and mighty Sue-riana.

Ariana shouted, "I'm done here!" As she marched to the door, she added in a lighter tone, "Hope you get better soon, Italy." Then she left the room.

How mature, just stomp angrily out of the room without giving a second glance to the injured person you came here to visit just because your rival tried and failed to throw food at you. What a wonderful protagonist we have.

"I… think we'd better go, too. Bye, Italy," France said, as he led Francisca out the door.

About seven minutes after the three left, Germany got up with Louella said, "Well, Italy, we have to go. I hope you get better soon."

This sentence with Germany and Louella doesn’t make any sense, both because you can’t tell who’s speaking and because ‘seven minutes after the three left’ is an oddly specific time to leave when they’ve been there all day.

"Yeah, bye, Germany!" Italy said as Germany and Louella left the room.

"Well, looks like we're alone now," Felicity said to Italy.

"No, you aren't."

A voice came from the corner of the room, where there was an uncomfortable metal chair. In the seat, Mattie randomly appeared.

"Oh, hey Mattie! I didn't notice you there!" Felicity said.

"Yeah, I know…" Mattie said.

Of course. And I’m going to add two points for that, both because Mattie was there alone without anyone noticing and because she was forced to sit in an uncomfortable metal chair the entire time. But this goes to show you, Mattie is the only real friend you can rely on here. Everyone but her and Felicity is a jerk.

--MATTIE ABUSE +2

Meanwhile, Ariana was already at England's house.

She got to Great Britain from Italy within seven minutes of leaving? Did she teleport like some sort of interdimensional specter ?

England had already started to make food, so Ariana didn't get to do much while he was cooking. So she went over to the shore close to Sealand's rig. Sealand soon noticed his friend, and threw a safety raft into the water with an oar. He then leaped from the ship and landed in the boat, and began to paddle like crazy, leaving a foamy trail of water behind him. Once he reached the shore Ariana was at, he got off the raft and said, "'Ello, Ariana, what's up?"

This is the first and probably the last time we’ll see dialect written out like this, but this will not the first time that Sealand is absurdly talented in breaking the laws of physics. Seriously, Sealand’s rig is three nautical miles off of the coast of Suffolk. He shouldn’t be able to paddle over to the mainland that quickly, micronation or not. It’s just...silly. Even past me agrees with us in the coming author’s note. Don’t believe me? Just watch.

Ariana explained what had happened to Italy, and then said the only reason she was out here was because England was cooking.

"That British jerk's food is terrible!" Sealand shouted.

Great to know that you were paying attention, Sealand.

"You aren't getting the point, are you?" Ariana asked. "What I said wasn't all about England's cooking."

"Yeah, of course I know what you're talking about, Italy, right?" Sealand verified.

"Yes," Ariana said, a bit of annoyance in her voice.

"Well, what do you want me to do?" Sealand asked.

Wow, Sealand’s the worst friend ever!!

Before Ariana could answer, she heard England shout from his house, "Ariana, your food is done!"

I know it gets lampshaded right after this, but it still doesn’t make sense. Is he just...shouting from London to Suffolk? Can’t everyone in the UK hear him then? How many Arianas do you think are going to show up to Buckingham Palace or wherever expecting food and then leave hungry because the food is a bunch of rocks and a bug sizzling in a saucepan?

"How does he shout so loud?" Sealand asked.

"Hell if I know," Ariana said, before getting up and shouting back to Britain, "Coming!"

That’s absurd too, and that’s not lampshaded! Did she expect him to hear her?

"Bye, Ariana!" Sealand said, as he got up and got into his small raft.

"Bye, Sealand!" Ariana said as she ran for England's place.

What a useless conversation they just had. You made Sealand waste his rowing energy for no reason, Ariana!!

Don't question Sealand's epic paddling.

Oh great, my worst nemesis from five years past...the word ‘epic’ when used in a context other than one referring to a long poetic composition focused on a hero. I almost forgot how cringey the early 2010s were for that sort of stuff. BROFIST, BROS!!

Or England's being able to shout loud enough for Ariana to hear from far away. Okay? Okay. :D

I can, I will, and in fact, I already have. Take that, past me! You feel that hesitation in your heart to even include that information? That’s me, somehow retroactively influencing your decisions and planting that seed of doubt that maybe the reader’s suspension of disbelief will fail them in this instance because of those two things that don’t make sense! Feel my futuristic wrath and writhe in unbridled despair!! And then please be a doll and stop writing this abhorrent fic, please, I’m begging you. My therapist said that it’s bad for me to keep smiting my past self like this. It’s giving me past traumas that I lacked beforehand.

Anyway, that was chapter 6 of Genderswapped Nations. Awful as usual, right? Not egregiously so like some of our past chapters have been, but let me tell you, this upcoming chapter is one of the worst in the entire fic. Not only does it break multiple laws of physics and challenge all forms of logic, but it also includes a new, never-before-seen tragic backstory for everyone’s favorite character, Sue-riana. Aaand it has one of the worst chapter titles of them all, so you have that to look forward to as well. See you then!

(CANADA/MATTIE ABUSE COUNTER= 12)

#hetalia #hetalia axis powers #fanfiction #fanfiction review #kittymonk's fanfiction reviews #fanfic review #writing review #genderswapped nations #genderswapped nations review #my old writing

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kittymonks-fanfiction · 5 years

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Genderswapped Nations Review - Chapter 5

Welcome back to Genderswapped Nations, where apparently North Americans can get to Germany faster than a Brit can when a brainwashed female personification of Germany wants to win the world record for the most pointless world meeting in the history of human society. Last time, we learned that Prussia isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed if he intended to invade the UK while England was away (and yet waited until a time when it would have been preposterous for him to still be away) and that Ariana is an indestructible cartoon character. What shenanigans await us this time?

Well, if you read the closer for the last chapter, I bet you’re expecting an explanation for the World War III comment. Well...here it is.

Chapter 5: Hamburgers and Hurt

Do you remember way back in the first chapter’s review when I said that the alliteration in the chapter titles eventually led to some unfortunate names? This is one of the worst in the entire fic (probably the third worst, if I had to rate it). Hamburgers are only mentioned at the beginning of the story and...hurt? Yes, a bunch of people do get hurt—somebody even gets put into the hospital—but the only plot relevant ‘hurt’ to be seen here is more emotional than physical. So if you’re so insistent on keeping the Hamburgers, why not make it “Hamburgers and Heartbreak” instead? Or better yet, “Hedonism and Heartbreak”? Because yes, you’ll be seeing a disproportionately large amount of hedonism in this chapter since Allison is its focus.

*NOTE: Canada's Gender swap, who was originally named 'Alexis', is now Mattie. I had forgotten Canada's human name when I wrote the first four chapters :3 *

Oh, well...that’s a way to start a chapter.

Yeah folks, I retconned a character’s name in an author’s note a fourth of the way into a fanfic. You’d have to be an idiot to do something like that to disrupt the canon when the “plot”’s about to take over.

Do you want to know the truth of that statement, though? I never forgot Canada’s human name, I just never knew it in the first place. I got all of my Hetalia-related information off of Wikipedia and Canada’s human name wasn’t listed there when I went there looking for it. How unprofessional!

America and Allison drove up to the drive through of a fast food restaurant. "I want six double cheeseburgers, four hamburgers, and two large drinks!"

Or better yet, this chapter should’ve been called “Hamburgers and Heart Attacks”. Seriously, I don’t care if America is a personification of a country, this amount of food could kill a man (even if the hamburgers are meant to be for Allison). And isn’t he an immortal country? Couldn’t he just be stealing food from his citizens at this point?

America exclaimed, his counterpart looking with starry eyes as the workers prepared their food.

It’s understandable that a McDonald’s wouldn’t have that much food just sitting around, but I’m sure it would have been more polite to pull around and wait for them to finish instead of holding up the drive-through line.

When they finally got their food, they speeded home and Allison bit ravenously into one of her hamburgers.

What is this Frankenstein’s abomination of a statement? ‘Speeded’ isn’t the right tense of ‘speed’ to use in this context (‘sped’ is) and ‘ravenously’—though it’s a nice big word to flaunt your intelligence with—gives the reader the impression that Allison was literally starving to death before she ate. Unless this is a really crappy off-handed reference to the one in six Americans who face hunger every year, it doesn’t make any sense.

"Amazing like always!" she exclaimed.

"I know, right?" America said with his mouth full.

If America’s eating and Allison’s eating, then who’s driving the car?????? *screeeech*

Suddenly, the phone rang. Tony, who had been with Allison and America the whole time, answered the phone.

Yeah, I promise he was there. He just didn’t get any food from McDonalds because he’s an illegal alien and we don’t tolerate those in these here parts. This is ‘Murica.

...I’ll go ahead and let myself out.

He held it towards Allison, implying it was for her. She took the phone from the alien's hand and asked, "Hey, what's up?"

"Hello, Allison, its Ariana." The phone said.

Oh hey, I can finally introduce you guys to my favorite character in the fic; the phone. Not Ariana, the phone.

"Everyone's coming over to Louella's house so we can talk. I'm already here, get here soon."

Allison glanced back to her fast food and said, "Yeah, I'll try to get there soon."

"Good, then." Ariana said, hanging up.

Alright, what the hell is this Twilight Zone bullshit? Why would they invite the North Americans to their meeting last when everyone else has already arrived? They know that they’ll have to wait for 9-12 hours for Allison and Alexis Mattie to show up, right?

Not to mention the fact that they’re having another meeting in Germany that could have easily been held over Skype. Seriously, why don’t they at least go to a different country this time? I heard that Japan is pretty enjoyable in the wintertime. Why not go there, if you’re so insistent on meeting in person?

Allison walked back to her food and began to eat again. "Who was it?" America asked, food in his mouth like usual.

"It was just Ariana calling from Louella's place," Allison replied in between bites. "The other counterparts are going to meet at Louella's place later."

If by ‘later’ you mean ‘right now’.

America nodded before eating his last double cheeseburger and slurping the last of his drink.

And now there’s food and soda all over the floor because both of these revolting slobs just carried on an entire conversation with burgers stuffed in their gobs. I hope they don’t plan on making the alien clean that up.

When Allison later finished her food as well, she boarded America's helicopter and flew to Louella's house.

Fun fact (which I learned just to refute this ridiculous plot point): Helicopters are not usually used for transatlantic journeys because they’re not very cost efficient (they cost three times more to ride in than a passenger plane and cost even more for maintenance), only fly 1/3 as fast as a normal jet or plane would, and are three times as noisy as a fixed wing aircraft. So not only is she causing the U.S. to lose money by choosing to arrive in a helicopter, she’s also wasting time (making everyone wait even longer for her to show up) and giving herself a headache for the sake of looking cool when she shows up to Berlin.

...Tell me again, why is she our main character for this chapter? I mean, it doesn’t last long—since of course Ariana steals the spotlight when she appears in this chapter later—but this already makes her look selfish and petty. Our hero, everybody!

Later, the helicopter flew over Louella's front lawn.

If by ‘later’ you mean ‘a full 24 hours after Ariana called’.

Allison leaped out of the helicopter with a parachute, just as Louella and Ariana exited the house. America's counterpart opened the parachute and floated safely to the ground.

Oh jeez, she’d better not still be wearing her ‘skirt dress’. She’d be flashing all of Germany then.

The helicopter flew away after she got off, and Louella asked, "Why the hell did you ride a helicopter to my house?"

"Because I'm the hero, and everyone knows the hero always rides in a helicopter!" Allison exclaimed.

Not really. Haven’t you ever watched Snakes on a Plane? How about Con-Air? I mean hell, have you ever watched any of the Superman movies? You never see Superman riding around in a helicopter. That’s just silly.

"That's a little overkill," Ariana sneered.

"No it isn't, didn't anybody else bring helicopters?" Allison asked.

I like how she asks it so innocently, as if riding in a helicopter to a casual meeting between friends is normal. It’s not, you egotistical loser.

"No, us normal people brought planes and walked." Ariana said.

Wait...walked? That’s hundreds of miles we’re talking about here! It would have taken the Asians, like, a year to show up on foot! Francisca I could almost see, but still, that’s 615 miles! It would take her eight and a half days to walk that far! And are you implying that Ariana walked over the English Channel to get to Germany??

Allison ignored Ariana and walked into Louella's house. Louella and Ariana entered soon after Allison did, and they sat down after she did. "Okay, let's count everybody," Louella said. She pointed to the other countries, and counted eight people.

These poor girls. They’ve probably been waiting for three days now.

"Who could possibly be missing?" Ariana asked.

Suddenly, Mattie flung open Germany's door and came inside, glasses lopsided and hair a mess. "Sorry I'm late, everyone, some guy on the street tripped me on my way to the airport," she apologized.

Oh man, how did I see that coming?

But that doesn’t even make sense. Unless she got totally KO’ed and missed her flight, it doesn’t make sense why she would be just a few seconds late since she was tripped on the way to the airport. That plane’s going to leave at the same time no matter what.

--MATTIE ABUSE +1

"Why?" Louella questioned.

"He mistook me for Allison," Mattie explained nervously. "Apparently she forgot to pay for a hamburger or two!" Then she laughed at her own joke nervously, before noticing everyone else was silent and staring at her, then she gradually stopped laughing and sat down, and then seemingly disappeared.

You know, I’m gonna give that two points. Why? Because oh my god. Not only does nobody have sympathy for her, but it was her sister that made this terrible thing happen to her! Why would Allison indiscriminately steal from a fast food restaurant if, as previously shown, she and America clearly have enough money to waste on some fried garbage? Is she some kind of kleptomaniac?

Not to mention, you wouldn’t be randomly tripped on the street if you stole food (from a burger place on the way from the capital building in Ottawa to the nearest airport??). You’d be arrested.

--MATTIE ABUSE +2

"Well, at least I wasn't tripped, because then there'd be no hero!" Allison shouted, standing up and pointing to the ceiling. Everybody groaned, excluding Mattie and Felicity; Mattie was just sitting in the corner of the room, with a bright red face and Felicity was talking to Louella with no response from the German girl.

Red with anger? That’s what she should be red with. But needless to say, Allison’s right. There wouldn’t be a hero if she got caught for her crime because then she’d be a criminal.

"Anyway, I thought we could discuss how it is at everyone's new homes," Louella said. "Who wants to begin?"

Is she serious right now? This was easily a conversation which could have been had over Skype, not over tea in Berlin. I mean hell, they could have easily texted each other this information! And before you call me out because ‘hey maybe texting didn’t exist in the fanfic’s time period!!’, this takes place in 2012. Texting existed and the swaps are even shown to text each other later in the fic. So why not now?

Without any sign of hesitation or raising her hand or anything, Iscah stood up. "It's very fun at Russia's place. I like to mess around with the Baltic States until they start to cry and fall down like little babies.

Oh well that’s just great. Create some more hapless butt monkeys that did nothing to deserve being tormented by crappy OCs.

But I should probably point this out right now before it becomes a thing; the Baltics have no reason to be at ‘Russia’s place’ right now. They only resided there in the original run of the anime because they were a part of the Soviet Union. Since the USSR broke apart in the eighties, there’s no reason why I should have thought it existed in 2012 unless I watched Hetalia and seriously didn’t connect the dots and think that those sketches took place in the past. It’s like Switzerland all over again, but this... was I really that stupid??

Except we've been having a lot of trouble with Belarus lately, with all the scratching at my door at night and all. She wants to destroy me and marry Russia.

I’d question why Belarus would want to destroy her brother’s genderbend and not seek to marry her as well (considering that Iscah is literally Russia with long hair and boobs), but I’m too exhausted by that Baltics thing to give that more than just an uggggh.

I tried to beat her off with a stick, but then she snapped it in half.

Uh....double entendre??

I don't know what to do."

"I got it, I could patent Anti-Belarus Spray!" Allison announced.

"How in the hell are you going to make that work?" Ariana questioned.

"Who cares? Everyone knows it will work because-"

"I'll take ten," Iscah cut in.

This almost seems like a funny joke just because of how weird it seems, but then you realize that I stole this joke from a picture I found on DeviantArt. No, I’m not kidding. Here it is:

Classy. (credit where credit is due to YoorNaymHeer, the artist of this picture and the creator of this joke. Jesus fucking Christ.)

After Iscah gave Allison money for a relabeled can of spray paint and Iscah swore eternal doom upon Allison,

And then killed her? Please? Allison has been the worst ‘hero’ ever so far. All she’s done is stuff her face, waste money indiscriminately, steal for no reason (and make sure her sister get blamed and physically assaulted for it), and cheat somebody out of at least ten dollars in a situation where receiving her product is essentially life or death. None of that is heroic; it just makes me want to throw her into a ravine.

Ariana stood up and began. "It's cool at England's house.

Well the dialogue has gotten better so it’s not as awkward as it used to be, but this seems way too casual for Ariana to say. Or too...American. I know that she technically is American, but hush, I’m trying to suppress that knowledge right now and pretend that she’s actually British. In which case, I don’t know if it’s just me, but I can’t hear that obviously American dialogue coming out of a British person’s mouth.

I met this nice boy named Sealand who has a rig very close to our house. He's trying to be a country like England, but doesn't seem to like him very much at all.

Oh god no, don’t bring him into this. Let him live. Plus these sentences have this weird thing going on that I can’t really explain, but it makes Ariana sound like she’s trying way too hard to sound British. What I can say is that all of the ‘very’s make the sentences sound clunky, though.

Anyways, England always wants to cook, though, and his food is kind of… bad. So I cook before he does, and it kind of annoys him. But he always says he's grateful after I cook, though, and comments on how well I cook British food."

You know, the stereotype of England being a bad cook comes from British food in general being bland and tasteless. It’s an exaggeration of that ‘white people don’t season their food and can’t handle spice’ stereotype that’s a part of England’s character because he himself is a stereotype. So of course it figures that Sue-riana would be able to cook this inherently bad (and not to mention completely foreign) food better than the embodiment of the fucking country itself can.

"I can cook anything better than you," Francisca bragged.

"Oh, shut up, Francisca. If you're so good at cooking, then why don't you try cooking the kind of food England has in his cookbook?" Ariana challenged.

And look, I even acknowledged that in the story! Ariana straight up admitted that England’s food is the crappy part, not his cooking. So how is she magically able to make it taste awesome?

Seriously, this instance of the conflict ball being thrown around just doesn’t make any sense. It’s based on an argument of who between two girls can cook better. Isn’t that a little...on the nose, considering that the point of the fic is to feminize some male characters? Resorting to female stereotypes this early on doesn’t bode well for the rest of the fic.

Francisca got up and pulled out a twig. Before anyone could stop her, she went over to Ariana and proceeded to smack her in the head with it, providing her own sound effects as well: "Smack, Smack, Smack, Smack...!"

That’s a reference to a sketch in Hetalia about France jumping onto the winning sides of wars to reap the winners’ benefits—France may be weak, but he wouldn’t start a war with England of all people using a twig. Besides, where would Francisca have gotten a twig from and why would she carry it around with her everywhere? The stick whapping was a metaphor in the anime!

Ariana then got angry (or as Allison would say, 'totally pissed off') and kicked Francisca in the face, sending her towards the floor in a matter of seconds.

"Holy fricken' crap, dude!" Allison cried excitedly.

Well that’s not very gentlewomanly! Gentlemanliness is one of England’s defining traits (he even has an entire character song about it!) and already Ariana’s messed it up. Who responds to being poked with a stick with a kick to the face?

I also hate all of Allison’s slang, by the way. All of these fricken’ fricks.

Ariana began to kick Francisca while she was on the ground, which led Louella to restrain Ariana while Francisca got up. Yiesha ran over to Francisca and asked, "Are you okay? Your nose is bleeding, aru..."

Francisca wiped her nose. "Yeah, that's… unrelated. I'm fine, I assure you."

Jesus Christ, what is with all of the misplaced perversion?? These girls are 13!

"You're going down, you perverted wine-loving bitch!" Ariana shouted, still kicking and flailing at Francisca.

OH FUCK! If you’ve been keeping track, this is the first time a really bad word has been uttered in this fic. Fun fact; my parents didn’t use to let me swear, so I put bad words in this fic in spite of them and prayed that they wouldn’t find out. They’re used correctly and all—they aren’t all over the place—but...I don’t know, thinking about the circumstances makes me cringe. It’s like I was one of those kids who knew they couldn’t swear but tried anyway, so they’d just whisper the swear word in the hopes that their parents won’t hear. “You perverted wine loving…b-bitch.”

"Shows what you know; I can't have wine, I'm thirteen," Francisca said. Allison noticed she had her fingers crossed, though.

Actually, young people in Europe are allowed to drink wine and the like, they’re just not allowed to purchase it. This can be chalked up to their Americanization, probably, but it still doesn’t make much sense.

This brings up a pretty decent point I’ve been meaning to get to, though; there’s a high chance that I made the girls American because I didn’t trust myself enough to do the proper research required to make them belong to different nationalities (which involved a concern that not all of them would know English). This is one of those moments where such a thing would make sense; I knew the laws in America just fine, but being a sixth/seventh grader in the United States, I had no clue what the laws in Europe or Asia were like. It almost makes sense if you think about it like that, but if I didn’t trust in my own ability to write characters of different nationalities, then I shouldn’t have tried to write this fic based on some dumb fantasies I used to have about secretly being the female version of a country.

This only made Ariana angrier, and Louella almost lost her grasp on the English girl a couple times.

"We'll help you out, Louella!" Felicity offered, dragging Kierra with her in her effort to help Louella keep her hold on Ariana.

Allison jumped from her chair and sped over to Ariana. "You're being so bad-ass right now!" she exclaimed.

Of course Allison would say that in the face of this vast overreaction on Ariana’s part and random smackdown that came about because of it. How is she a ‘hero’, again?

"Now isn't the time for that, Allison!" Louella scolded. Meanwhile, Iscah was still sitting down, giggling at the other counterparts' anger.

Mattie, who had just gotten over her embarrassment, noticed the quarrel breaking out between her friends. She went between Francisca and Ariana, just as Louella, Felicity, and Kierra lost their grasp on Ariana. "Hey, can everyone just calm-" she began, before being cut off by a swift kick to the gut that was supposed to be for Francisca. She croaked and fell to the ground, but not before groaning, "Maple-hockey..."

"Mattie!" Ariana cried, her anger melting away, while Iscah was clapping and cheering for more violence.

Because yes, this is how a Canadian person would respond to being kicked in the gut ‘by accident’ (the quotation marks are there because I think it’s almost impossible that Ariana could have overlooked Mattie’s intervention as she was breaking away from the Axis Powers and rearing back to kick Francisca). Don’t you know? That’s how all Canadian people swear.

And who are we supposed to like here, exactly? Why would we want to root for a Mary-Sue (Ariana), an inconsiderate asshole (Allison), or an implied attempted rapist who cheers for physical assault (Iscah)? Oh yeah, spoilers, Iscah gets the POV in a later chapter. Our only solace is in Mattie.

--MATTIE ABUSE +1 (BUT THIS TIME IT’S PHYSICAL SOMEHOW, WHAT THE HELL)

"What's going on in here?" Germany's voice echoed. He entered the room, and looked around to see it somewhat trashed, and every gender swap (except Mattie and Iscah) frozen from fear.

Only somewhat trashed, though it would have no reason to be trashed at all since Ariana just kicked Francisca onto the ground. You know, unless you’re counting all of the crappy OCs, who are trash themselves.

Allison became animated again, while the others were still blank.

That’s an embarrassing thing to add. I was trying to describe anime expressions.

"Dude, it was AWESOME! Ariana was all like, 'Francisca, you suck!' and then Francisca was all like 'No I don't, you do!' and then Ariana beat Francisca up and then Louella came in and she was all like 'Ariana, stop it!' and totally held her back and stuff, then what's-her-face came in and got PWNED!" She shouted excitedly.

This entire line of dialogue kills me. Not only is there the usage of such wonderful, timeless middle school slang as ‘you suck’, ‘dude’, and ‘PWNed’, but Allison isn’t even describing what happened. Ariana said she could cook well, Francisca said she could cook better, and then Ariana randomly flew off the handle when Francisca lightly hit her with a twig.

"What?" Germany questioned, aghast. "What do I tell everyone else when their swaps come home bloody?"

Whoa, when did this become Germany’s POV?! You could almost say that that italicized segment is spoken dialogue delivered sharply, but Louella’s answer doesn’t acknowledge it at all. So does the POV just randomly switch to Germany so he can share one thought?

"Yah, I'm afraid it's true," Louella admitted to Germany.

Gratuitous German? Being brainwashed to speak with an accent is one thing, but appearing to know a foreign language out of the blue is just ridiculous…even if it was just the word ‘yes’ and not something extreme like a spontaneous Scheisse.

Before Germany could scold his counterpart, his phone ringed. He left the room to go answer it, leaving the room in a silence. Felicity broke this silence, however, by saying, "I'm hungry. Louella, what kind of food do you have?"

"Well, we don't have pasta, so don't get your hopes up," Louella responded.

Felicity said, "Aw…"

Leave it to Felicity to be completely oblivious to her surroundings and only focused on food. Really, I hate how her character is handled. She could have been so cute, and yet...

Just then, they heard a shout of disbelief from where Germany had gone to answer the phone.

"What's going on?" Kierra asked silently.

"I don't know," Ariana said in the same fashion. "But Flying Mint Bunny and I will go check."

"Flying mint bunny?" Francisca questioned teasingly in disbelief.

"Yeah, don't you see him? He's right there," Ariana said, pointing to an empty spot beside her head.

What the hell? Why does Ariana only start doing and saying Flanderized England-related things when the POV is taken away from her? She’s still ludicrously Sue-y, but only now is she acting ‘in character’.

Not that POV matters much anyway, since all it does here is tell the reader what that character is seeing. There aren’t any thoughts or motivations or emotions, just actions.

While everyone commented on the absence of the magical bunny, Allison got up to go check. But right as she was about to ask Germany while he was on the phone, he hung up and walked right by Allison, heading towards the room where everyone else was. She followed after him, and sat down when he stopped in the doorframe leading to the room.

Germany looked Felicity right in the eye. "Felicity… While you were here, Italy got attacked by Prussia and a few other countries."

Holy shit, this is the beginning of a world war. I made this story get dark fast. I mean, it doesn’t make sense, but it’s something. Now all of these girls are going to get wrapped up in international war politics or something, aren’t they? Or better yet, are they going to fight in the war? Are they going to fight literal actual countries?? IS ALLISON GOING TO DIE IN THE PROCESS?? PLEASE???

Felicity at first had a worried look, before changing to a humored face. "What? Nice joke, Germany! Italy always told me about the funny jokes you used to-"

"This is no joke! Romano called me to tell me, and then Prussia called to gloat about it. I'm sorry, Felicity."

Of course Felicity would be too stupid to realize that he’s being serious, but on a side note, what? Why would Prussia call his brother, Italy’s best friend, to gloat about this? Does he seriously want to get his ass kicked? And why would he pick Italy, of all people? He loves Italy!

"He's okay though, right? He's not… dead, is he?" Felicity asked, tears welling up in her eyes.

"No, of course not. A couple other countries were able to stop Prussia halfway into his attack. He's fine, but… Romano thinks it would be better if you didn't come right now, Italy's really hurt." Germany said.

Yeah, that’s grounds to start WWIII. It’s going down just like WWI did. Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia after the assassination of their Archduke Franz Ferdinand, but only once they became allies with Germany in case Russia intervened to support Serbia—which they did—and France jumped in to support Russia and pulled Great Britain after them because of the Triple Entente alliance they were all a part of. But who are the ‘few other countries’ who helped a German terrorist attempt to wage war against Italy? Who are the ‘couple other countries’ who jumped in to help? These can’t be faces without names; if they’re countries, chances are good that they have personifications in Hetalia and are thus characters who need to be identified.

Allison thought for a moment she heard a small mix of regret and sorrow in the German's voice.

And...why would that be weird? His best friend just got put in the hospital by his big brother. Couldn’t the narrative have made this insightful by showing Allison’s emotions in this situation? We already know how Germany’s going to feel, but Allison’s a wild card. It would have been a lot more interesting to hear about this from her side of the story.

The tears collecting in Felicity's eyes finally overpowered her usually joyful and somewhat ditzy personality, sending salty tears running down her cheeks.

The way this is written makes it sound less sad and more gross.

Louella and Kierra scooted their chairs closer to her and put their arms around her. Allison, Yiesha, Francisca, Mattie (who had gotten up earlier, but no one noticed),

Nice potshot, even if it’s totally unfitting because of the current circumstances.

--MATTIE ABUSE +1

Ariana, and even Iscah had looks of sadness and disbelief visible in their expressions, and Germany had one to match.

They’re all just lumped together in their emotions. No individuality between them. Nobody has a differing take on things. Nobody’s demanding to go to the hospital, nobody’s blaming themselves for this attack, nobody’s in denial, nobody’s scared that such a thing will happen to anyone else. They’re just all, in unison...sad. Get used to this, because as the fic goes on, you’ll find that every individual in this group save for Ariana, Mattie, and Allison loses a lot of individuality as more and more of the plot becomes centered around them.

This is usually the part where I say something either funny, clever, or just something that needed to be said. For now, I just have this: :'(

I mean, you’ve never said anything funny, clever, or important in these notes, but thanks for not dragging out the mushy sentimentality longer than you needed to.

And that, my friends, was chapter 5 of Genderswapped Nations. It was quite the adventure, but I’m definitely glad it’s over. Luckily for us, we never have to suffer through another chapter where Allison has the POV ever again (and doesn’t it figure that the Mattie/Canada abuse counter doubled in this chapter?). Unfortunately, though, we still have fifteen chapters of this drivel left to go and Allison is still Ariana’s ‘Lancer’ in this story so she won’t be disappearing anytime soon. Anyway, come back soon for the next exciting chapter of Genderswapped Nations, where you can expect to see some classic French cuisine, asshole best friends, and past me openly lampshading the stupidity of some of the bullshit she tried to add into the fic and asking the readers to overlook it...and no, I’m not over analyzing anything or making a joke, it actually happens. Three times, in fact.

(CANADA/MATTIE ABUSE COUNTER=10)

#hetalia #hetalia axis powers #genderswapped nations #genderswapped nations review #fanfic #fanfiction #fanfiction review #kittymonk's fanfiction reviews #writing review #my old writing

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kittymonks-fanfiction · 5 years

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Genderswapped Nations Review - Chapter 4

Welcome back to Genderswapped Nations, the fanfic where it’s possible for nine American minors in Germany without passports to buy nine plane tickets all heading to eight different countries at the same time using USD. There were less attempted sexual assaults last time, which is always a plus, but I can’t say that there won’t be any attempted crimes against minors this time around. What do I mean by that? Let’s jump in and figure that out.

Chapter 4: Substitutes and Suitcases

Believe it or not, this is actually one of the better chapter titles in Genderswapped Nations…even if, as you’ll find out later, the ‘suitcases’ aspect of the title has very little to do with the plot of the chapter.

The plane landed, and Ariana got off. She was immediately greeted by businessmen, who looked at her nicely at first but then looked confused. “What?” Ariana asked.

“We were expecting Mr. Kirkland,” one of the businessmen replied.

“Wait a minute…you’re not our boss who’s hundreds of years old and is the embodiment of the country we live in! Harvey, you said he would be on this flight!”

And wasn’t she just getting off a normal passenger flight? If they were expecting England, why would they intercept a thirteen year old girl?

“You mean England?” Ariana asked. “Shouldn’t he be here right now?”

“No, he left yesterday on classified matters,” another one of the businessmen said.

Oh cool, so nobody knows why he left to go to Germany. That’s why he…left businessmen at the airport so they could talk to him once he got off the plane with his genderbend? Sorry to say, but it’s not ‘classified’ anymore if these guys witness you getting off a plane with a younger female version of yourself after the fact.

“Oh, is that so?” Ariana said. “I’ll fill in for him until he gets back.”

Uhhhh, what? Why would this be the first thing she suggests? She’s only come to Britain so she can…um, avoid England (I think?). If he’s only going to be gone for a little while longer, why would she volunteer to take control of the entire country? Isn’t there a prime minister to do that? Isn’t there the UK Parliament? I mean hell, if you really want to prove that you’re an idiot, past me, you could even claim that Queen Elizabeth II is in charge—she’s not, but it would make more sense than what’s going on here.

“And why would we put a teenager in charge of Great Britain?” one of the businessmen asked.

“I can cook better,” Ariana said.

“Oh, well, that was the only thing that we thought was wrong with Mr. Kirkland. And since you are technically just him in a dress, I guess you could fill in for him for a while.” One of the businessmen decided.

“Great!” Ariana exclaimed.

This reads like a fucking parody. But no, this is real canon! She just shows up, volunteers to take control of the country while England is away, and they let her do it because she can cook better (despite the fact that she shouldn’t know that England’s a bad cook since she’s never even met the guy). This is like the plot to some Disney Channel movie, it’s insane.

This was also the case for the other girls; they all filled in for their counterparts while they were away.

And as if it couldn’t get any more ridiculous, the same thing happens to all of the other girls. Even Allison, who’s not even old enough to register for an account on YouTube according to its terms of service. Wow.

Later, Ariana got a phone call after she was brought to England’s house. She answered it, and was greeted by Louella. “Ariana, the countries are having a meeting. Get to Berlin.”

But…didn’t they just leave Berlin? And I’m sure that if England left Berlin right after Ariana, he should be back by now. And if he hasn’t left yet because of flight delays, then you’re going right back to him!

“Why do we have to have a meeting now?” Ariana asked.

“None of the other countries know we’re filling in for the real ones,” Louella explained. “We need to introduce ourselves.”

“Right,” Ariana said.

You couldn’t just use Skype or hold a press conference or something? They don’t hold entire world meetings every time a new president/prime minister gets elected. It makes it seem like Louella wants to hold this meeting just to brag or something. In fact, by the time this meeting ends, all of the nations are going to be home and ready to take control again! What’s the point?

She got money to board a plane to Berlin, and did just that. When she entered the meeting room, she noticed all the nations, except the gender swapped ones, were staring at her. When she sat down, Louella stood.

Well that’s a familiar occurrence. I have to wonder if Ariana was really the last to arrive though. How did the North Americans arrive in Berlin within the same day that they were asked to go there, even arriving BEFORE another European did?

“May I have your attention, please?” She asked firmly. The other nations gave her their attention, but many still had confused faces. “First, I want to discuss-”

“Why are we being bossed around by a thirteen year old girl?” one of the nations questioned.

I don’t know what nation this was supposed to be (I think I sort of headcanoned that it was Romano or Belarus or someone??) but I love them. They should be the main character of the fanfiction instead of Mary-Sue Ariana.

“I was getting to that,” Louella growled, before regaining her normal voice. “As you can see, a few of the attendees are the thirteen year old female counterparts of our respective countries.”

“So, where are the original ones?” another voice asked Louella.

They should know where they are if they had a meeting just a few days ago about Prussia kidnapping these girls in the first place. Obviously they’re away ‘rescuing’ the thirteen year old girls that have now replaced them.

By the way, past me, you missed a good opportunity to have someone freak out and think that the original countries were killed and these children are trying to replace them. It would have made this meeting have an actual point because that would’ve been funny as hell with Louella on the spot having to prove that they don’t have nefarious intentions and that the originals are probably fine.

“I’ve consulted the other gender swaps, and the original countries are away on ‘classified matters’.” The counterpart answered.

“Was that it?” Another country asked.

“I guess, I don’t really have any other important things to talk about,” Louella said. Some of the nations grumbled as they all stood up and left the gender swaps in the room alone. “How did I do?” Louella asked.

That was, without a doubt, the best political meeting I’ve ever witnessed in my life. Wow. If all UN meetings are like that, where they only discuss one point of business that only affects nine countries and immediately becomes irrelevant a few hours later, then I should really look into joining the UN. It would be a walk in the park. I am the Shenandoah River, after all. That counts as a nation that can be united with other nations, right? I have poisonous fish who can vouch for me!

“You just let some of them walk all over you.” Ariana said.

“You and three other people were the only ones who got to speak,” Kierra said.

“Yeah! Those meetings are nothing when I don’t get to speak!” Allison complained.

All of those are completely justified criticisms because really, the meeting didn’t have a point at all. And would you be surprised if I told you that this exact same thing essentially happens next chapter too??

Louella nodded. “Well, we should get going now. Be sure to visit Germany more often, okay?” She asked her friends.

She doesn’t have anything to say to these criticisms. She knows that it was a pointless meeting, she just wanted to make everyone respect her authority by forcing them to come to Berlin for two minutes for a pointless meeting.

Everyone nodded, except Francisca. “It’s very unusual that you aren’t speaking for once, Francisca,” Ariana teased.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with you? You’ve seemed worried this whole meeting.” Louella said.

“It’s just…” Francisca began. “I don’t think it was very smart to say out counterparts weren’t present. Some countries would take our ‘Substitution’ as an opportunity to take over our countries.”

This is almost a decent point, but the United States doesn’t get conquered every time the president leaves to go meet with foreign leaders. I’m American, so I can’t speak for Europe on this point. For all I know, the presidency in France could be trading hands quicker than a hot potato right now.

And hahahahahaha Francisca said Substitution like the chapter title Substitution and Suitcases oh how charming.

Kierra nodded in agreement. “I’d say the only one safe from that would be Iscah.”

“And why wouldn’t I be safe?” Allison questioned.

“Seriously?” Ariana said. “Just because you’re in the west doesn’t mean you’re safe.”

“So why is Iscah safe?” Allison questioned, but quickly took it back, remembering the night she hid in Ariana’s closet to keep away from the creepy girl.

It’s super funny, the way the fic just keeps telling us how creepy Iscah is even though Iscah never does anything creepy. I also have to point out the fact that not only is Iscah safe because ‘she’s creepy’, but it’s implied to be (I think) wintertime and, well…ask Napoleon how well invading Russia on foot during the winter usually goes.

Aaaand Allison should be safer from active ‘invasion’ compared to the European countries because if America’s already on his way back from Europe, then it would be impossible for someone currently in Berlin to leave this meeting to go to America and invade while he’s still on the plane. Since he left to go to the same place way before they did, it goes without saying that they wouldn’t get to America before he would. Not only that, but, the U.S. has the second largest military in the world. I don’t care how ‘evil’ you think you are, it would be a pretty bad idea to single-handedly troll a country that throws as much money at its military as the U.S. does.

“We should be getting back then,” Ariana said.

“Remember! Don’t forget to visit Germany!” Louella called as the nations walked away.

“If there is one, aru,” Yiesha muttered.

Oh god, edgy. Anyway, as you can see, it was by this point that I caught on to China’s verbal tick from the Japanese version of Hetalia and threw it in for good measure. It…doesn’t make much sense, really. That’s all there really is to say about it.

Meanwhile, England’s plane landed. He got his bags, and was confused not to find any businessmen waiting for him like they were told to.

So he straight up just told those businessmen to amble about aimlessly until he came back? But why? The mission was ‘classified’, so what were they there for?

He decided to walk back to his house himself, but when he got there, the door was locked.

Is that…unusual? Doesn’t he normally leave the country’s capital locked when he leaves on business trips? No wonder everyone thinks that their countries are going to get conquered, England doesn’t leave his door locked when he leaves!! Who knows who else could be leaving their doors wide open right now??

He rang the doorbell, aggravated enough to kick down the door but not wanting to harm his house.

And he doesn’t have his key? This almost seems offensive to people from the UK. This is the sort of forgetfulness you’d expect out of a character like America or Italy, definitely not England.

…unless the joke is that he’s old and forgetful, in which case…ha? There’s not much of a punch line if it’s a joke. It’s more of a nuisance than anything.

Ariana heard the chime of the doorbell, and ran to the door.

OH GOD I think I have whiplash, that POV change was so sudden.

But she was shocked, because when she opened the door, England was there, and he threw one of his briefcases at her about two seconds after the door was opened, assuming it was France or some other perverted intruder.

What the shit?? Why would he throw his suitcase at the first person who opened the door assuming that someone broke into his house? Does he not have maids and butlers? Why would he ring the doorbell if he expected a home intruder to answer?

Oh and by the way Ariana’s totally dead now. England might not be the strongest but he is a grown man and he threw that briefcase directly at her face. Someone needs to call the funeral home up the street.

He soon apologized as Ariana lifted the suitcase off her face and they recognized each other.

“That’s the same guy from Prussia’s house,” Ariana thought. “Prudence was lying!”

She may not be dead, but she definitely has some brain damage. Seriously, that should be abundantly obvious now. Nobody put two and two together and assumed that the countries were away looking for their genderbends since they couldn’t find the real guys anywhere in the capital buildings of these countries?

“Who are you?” England asked.

“Ariana,” the girl replied. “And you must be England.”

“Yeah.” The man replied.

They stared at each other awkwardly for a minute or two, until this silence was broken by a phone call.

What a fantastic exchange. This is exactly how I would greet my genderbent counterpart upon first meeting them and walloping them with a suitcase. At least Ariana’s completely fine after having been physically assaulted by a grown man though, that’s a relief.

Ariana walked over and answered. “Hello, England, Ariana speaking,” she said.

“This is the awesome Prussia,” the other line said. “And I’m coming over there soon!”

What the fuck??

“What?” Ariana asked. England ran over to his counterpart and yanked the phone from her hand.

“Hey! Who’s this?” he demanded.

England just telepathically knows that the phone call was bad news from Ariana’s only reply being a calm—and not incredulous—“What?”

“This is the awesome me,” Prussia repeated. “And I’m guessing this is England now.”

WHY DID HE ASSUME THAT ENGLAND WASN’T HOME YET??? It’s bizarre enough that it took him this long! Assuming that it would take him even longer is just insane!!

“You’re bloody right this is England now!” England shouted. “Now what did you just say to my counterpart?”

“Eh, nothing.” Prussia said. He hung up.

Hold on, what the hell just happened?? No, seriously! Does this imply that Prussia planned for the girls to take over their host countries? Did he place a diversion to keep the countries from getting home in a timely manner so he could single-handedly conquer them? What’s this Batman Gambit bullshit??

“So, what did he say to you?” England said in a normal but slightly aggravated tone.

“He said he was invading,” Ariana replied. “But I guess he quit out on it when he realized you’re here.”

“Probably,” England muttered.

Is this…a common occurrence? If our president leaves again anytime soon, can I call the White House and threaten to invade in the hopes that they’ll just give me the job instead? I’m way too young, but I’m sure I can cook better than our current president can. That’s all the work experience I need to run a country, after all.

Then, the phone rang again. Ariana walked over to pick it up, but England stopped her and answered it himself. “What is it?” he questioned.

“Hey, it’s France,” the phone said. “I just wanted to brag about how cute my gender swap is!”

“Really?” England asked.

Did…nobody else get a threatening call from Prussia? Just England for some reason? None of the countries actually bordering Germany? Like, say…France??

Not to mention that it’s squicky for a grown man to gush about how cute a little girl is to another grown man, like, 99% of the time.

(Note: The other 1% is just Maes Hughes raving about how much he loves his daughter. In all other contexts, it’s squicky.)

“Who is it?” Ariana asked loudly.

England covered the speaking part of the phone as h answered, “It’s just France.” Ariana nodded in understanding, and England brought the phone back to his ear.

There was no purpose for that little segment of England explaining who was on the line since all it did was repeat to the audience, “Hey, the person on the other end of the phone is France.” That was the perfect opportunity to tell a joke via Ariana’s reaction to this information and you blew it.

“Yes, she’s so cute! And by that background voice I just heard, yours must be dreadfully ugly!” France responded.

“That’s not true!” England vindicated.

Do I need to remind my audience of the ‘fun fact’ I pulled out in chapter one about England’s English VA?? I don’t like having to share that information more than I have to, but I’ll do it. I’ll fricking do it man.

He abrubtly got another phone call, and he made France hold as he answered the phone. “Hello?”

“Hey, British dude, it’s America,” the phone said.

…British dude. I’ll let that speak for itself. Just…British dude. This man raised you when you were a child!!

“And I bet this is about your gender swap,” England sighed.

“Hey, how’d you know?” America asked.

“Lucky guess.” England replied sarcastically. America, though, did not catch this sarcasm, and instead continued to talk.

What are the chances that both countries would call England specifically at the same time to give him the same information? If England just got home, shouldn’t America still be on his plane going over the Atlantic Ocean? There’s no way a flight from Berlin to London would take the same amount of time as a flight from Berlin to Washington, D.C..

“I just wanted to say, my gender swap is awesome! She likes all the same foods I do, and she gets along well with Mr. Tony!”

Does…Does America usually call him ‘Mr. Tony’? Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I remember him being referred to as just Tony.

in the background, England could lightly hear the alien mentioned muttering swears, probably knowing England was on the phone. Then, America hung up.

That’s just it? No reply? He just hangs up when he’s finished talking? That’s cold.

England redialed France, and the French man asked, “Who was calling?”

“Who do you think?” England questioned.

France seemed to understand who England meant.

Great, now they both have telepathy.

“Well, anyway, I just wanted to say that my gender swap is better than yours.”

France hung up before England could protest.

How productive a conversation that was. It was so unnecessary that it hurt. When you have a German extremist kidnapping children from America, brainwashing them, and threatening to conquer Europe, is bragging to your rival over the phone really your biggest concern?

He unplugged his phone, and faced Ariana and said, “Still sorry about the suitcase thing.”

“No problem,” Ariana replied with a smile.

“It’s okay, I just have a broken nose and five missing teeth. All is forgiven.” “Besides, it makes me look more British anyways!”

I’ve finally caught on to the China ‘aru’ thing, even if the only China reference was one line by China’s counterpart.

Yes, because that was the only thing wrong with this fic.

It seems like it’s over again, right? You should know better by now that something like this is not the kind of ending I throw into the end of FanFics. Seriously, remember Chapter 2, ‘Conversation and Costumes’? It’s like that ending.

Oh, you mean how it ended on a cliffhanger of ‘are the countries going to accept the girls or not?’ Because no, this ending is nothing like that. The plot should actually be over now, with maybe just one more chapter where Prussia gets punished somehow for kidnapping a bunch of little girls.

And it’s weird that I capitalized both ‘f’s in ‘fanfics’. I don’t know why that is. Maybe I assumed it looked cooler.

Also, *spoiler alert* the next chapter will feature Allison and America! Because neither of them has said ‘I’m the hero’ yet, and I thought that would only be appropriate :3

Fan-fricking-tastic. Because America and his counterpart weren’t Flanderized enough as it was.

Well, that was chapter 4 and my god was it a clusterfuck of horrible decisions and insane world politics. Anyway, be sure to come back next time for more pointless meetings, senseless violence, and the beginning of World War III. No, seriously. I’m not exaggerating. And the abuse counter doubles, if you were worried that Alexis wasn’t being tortured enough as it was.

(CANADA/ALEXIS ABUSE COUNTER=5)

#hetalia #hetalia axis powers #fanfiction #fanfiction review #kittymonk's fanfiction reviews #fanfic review #writing review #genderswapped nations #genderswapped nations review #my old writing

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