#just to avoid careless and rude comments. and to avoid risking ???? idk what
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i realized that uh. i changed in some ways that maybe arent from good causes
like it might just be growing up and getting older, but like. the way it changed is reminding me a lot of like... trying to avoid certain things
#basically i am getting quieter in a way that i dont like#i was playing fun jumpscare games with a friend! and a great friend who i am very comfy with! and i love being loud with n good times with#but i was. vvvvery quiet. he said he was surprised when jumpscares happened i just went totally rigid and silent for a few seconds#then talked very quietly after#i dont.... i dont do that?#im LOUD. im silly. i make jokes and say silly mashed up sentences when i get jumpscared#but i went still and silent instead and like.#i did eventually ENJOY playing it after a while and was reacting like i normally would after like an hour#but. i couldnt? at first? for a while?#and like. im thinking about it and just. am getting back into being quiet and small in my spaces when i dont need to be and dont want to be#and apologizing more again#just to avoid careless and rude comments. and to avoid risking ???? idk what#anyway. uh. realizing i may need to address some things and not wanting to lol#also friend noted when I got more comfy and started acting like myself again. and the weird too quiet version of me#and mentioned when i was out of the house more and planning events i was running when i was alone planning them/out of the house-#-how much happier i seemed. and how much more 'me' i was acting#like granted being in my 30s now im going to be a little different but like. im still lighthearted and jokey and loud and silly#bbbbbut its hiding again. and im stressed as to why
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