Dear diary,

Idk if its cause im demiromantic or if its because of the nature of comic/anime conventions but having things done to me there like dont mean anything to me? Like its just a game? Not saying i dont like consent i super like consent and consent is not what im getting at rn. But like just cause someone gets to sit on their fave charas lap or gets flirted with during a panel or for a photo/vid op (with consent naturally) doesnt mean like i feel anything for them? Maybe its because at that moment theyre not whoever they are on a day to day basis, theyre acting as a character so any attachment/fantasies goes to that character and not them as a person (not saying that i see that person as not a human being and as my waifu/husbando) but its like dress up/pretend. Its all an act and doesnt mean anything in the long run. And even if its smth heart racing or sexually enticing i dont think that immediately translates to sexual pleasure for me i think its more like "im playing a fun game/getting attention!" I dont know. Im really only thinking about this in terms of relationships. Like i think i wouldnt mind a partner asking permission before doing the pocky game with a cosplay panelist but i wouldnt get upset if they didnt. Mostly because id probably know about their thirst beforehand so it wouldnt take me by surprise. But if i decided not to go to con that day, i wouldnt expect them to text me for permission. Disregarding trust its, like, a cosplay. If im that jealous i can put on the cosplay and do it. Spice up the bedroom that way. Its not the person theyre attracted to (i think) its the character. It might be aspects of the person (personality, muscles, voice) but that person is acting - theyre playing a character and my partner is doing audience participation. As a performer, i imagine it sucks when theres little to no audience participation.

This is a long blurb just ranting and openly documenting my thoughts about my feelings about relationships, husbandos/waifus, and cosplayers. Yeah, i wonder if something is wrong with me. Am i the only one who these actions hold no meaning for? Is it bad if they dont hold any meaning for me because its an act? I still enjoy acts like these in the sense of like "im playing the game!" Sort of feeling. In the sense of its all part of an act/performance. If theres any sexual feelings its never towards a person but towards an action. "Wow that person checked in on me after kabedonning me and consent really is sexy!" Or smth like that not like "wow that person checked in on me after kabedonning me theyre so hot they must love me i think i love them" sort of way. Am i weird? This is why i say im kind of dumb when it comes to actions and romance and flirting. If its not explicitly romantic, i dont really get it. I might have a suspicion but ill ignore it since i dont want to make assumptions. And the worse part is, i might not reciprocate your feelings because i never thought about you that way. Back on topic. Shit flies over my head (not because im short). Is this just because im dumb? Am i stepping over lines? I dont know.

Sincerely,

Me