Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Megamind

So surprisingly, this is one movie I've never actually seen before outside of all of the memes and all of the love people tend to shower upon it, and after finally seeing it for myself... yeah, I totally get why. Megamind is based as fuck, ya'll.

We focus on, of course, Megamind, who is a supervillain who terrorizes Metro City and is opposed by the heroic Metro Man. At least until Megamind seems to successfully defeat Metro Man, leaving Metro City in his hands and quickly leading him into wanting more than just power alone. While in disguse, he ends up striking up a romance with Roxanne, a local reporter, and at the same time, he ends up creating a new opponent for him to fight to curb his growing boredum in the nerdy (incel) Hal, who quickly becomes more of a villain himself than the hero Megamind wanted him to be. So of course, this leads to all sorts of chaos and hijinks, and while you might think that plot sounds too complicated for its own good, I can surprisingly say, it really isn't!

Yeah, all of the moving pieces here work so well together, interwoven into a really compelling story with some pretty solid emotions and some great character moments. It helps that our cast itself is fantastic; Megamind is such a good lead, he's a genuis, but he's also totally socially graceless and is an absolute lovable goober as a result, one who comes to realize that he can be more than the "villain" stereotype he believed he was forced into being from childhood. Roxanne is also a really good leading lady; she's funny and snarky and has really great chemistry with Megamind throughout.

Metro Man doesn't get a ton of screentime, but he's a great parody on the usual superhero tropes, while Minion is the perfect right hand man (fish?) to Megamind in every way. Even our villain, Hal, or as he comes to be called, Titan, works really well here; he's the kind of asshole who just doesn't take no for an answer that we can all justifably hate (but he's also hilarious in his own right).

The animation is also really great here. I find that Dreamworks movies tend to look their best when their characters are highly stylized, and that's what we get a lot of here. We get a lot of really fun action scenes, both in terms of fighting and Megamind's tech. and strangely enough the special effects here (things like fabric and particle effects, etc) really stood out to me, they were all super well done.

The humor is absolutely fantastic here. It's not as adult as some of Dreamworks earlier days, but instead it relies more on who these characters are and how they interact with each other. I think one of my favorite running gags is Megamind obliviously mispronouncing various words (like school and Metro City). There's a bunch of small bits just like that throughout the movie, and they're all so fast paced and well delivered by a really stellar voice cast. The emotions also strike a cord here; there aren't any tearjerker moments, but you really do feel Megamind's growth here as he falls in love and eventually decides to become the hero he never thought he could be.

So yeah, I really enjoyed this one! It's a shame it took me this long to watch it, because it was super enjoyable all the way through. Also amazing that it never really spawned any legit sequels, but I heard its getting a show next year, so idk. I am probs not gonna watch it. Movie good tho, give it a watch if ya haven't.

Overall Rating: 9/10

Verdict: There is no Queen of England

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Puss In Boots: The Last Wish

Holy shit, ya'll, holy shit. This movie, THIS FUCKING MOVIE is probably one of the most insanely BEAUTIFUL, expertly crafted MASTERPIECES, not just from Dreamworks, but from any studio EVER. Like what the hell, how did they DO THIS? How did they take a sequel to a decent, but somewhat forgettable spinoff movie and turn it into something THIS FUCKING GREAT? It's utterly unbelievable, and yet absolutely magical in every way. So let's get into me gushing about how much I adore this movie because how can I not?

After losing the eighth of his nine lives, Puss falls into something of a slump, until he hears word of a magical Wishing Star. Hoping to use the star's power to get his nine lives back and escape from the (utterly terrifying) clutches of Death, he once again teams up with Kitty Softpaws, and a new addition to the group, the adorably innocent Perrito, to brave the Dark Forest and find the Star. However, they're not alone in the race to the star, as Big Jack Horner and Goldilocks and the Three Bears are all determined to beat Puss and crew to it and take the wish for themselves.

So there's like... so much happening in this movie, you'd think it'd be a jumbled mess of characters and plotlines with nothing getting the focus that it should, and yet... I don't know how they did it but everything just... fits so perfectly here? The pacing is some of the best I've seen in any movie, all the plot beats and scenes go on just long enough and everything flows so naturally and right? The charactesr are all given so much depth and time to just interact here, and not just our leads either (I'll get into that more in a sec). At no point does anything feel like its dragging and at no point does anything feel like its going by too fast. I don't know how they did it, but it all feels, in the words of Goldi and the Bears, just right.

As for our characters, Puss is just as great as always here, with a really compelling arc of him learning to value his life and the people in it. Kitty herself has a good arc too of learning to trust as her and Puss rekindle their relationship. Perrito is absolutely precious and adds this genuine sweetness and heart to an otherwise grizzled and world-wary duo. Goldi and the Three Bears are absolute standouts though, like oh my god, ya'll oh my god the feels I had for this sad little orphan girl and her theiving bear family? I want an entire series or spinoff movie about them, Dreamworks, PLEASE I'm BEGGING you, I need MORE of this beautiful little found family!

We have two villains here, and both are pretty great in their own right! Jack Horner is our more traditional insane villain played for laughs (the fact that he's voiced by John Mulaney helps) and he's pretty funny while also being appropriately sinister and ruthless, making him effectual to boot. But then there's Death and holy shit, if this movie had come out when I was a kid, I think this wolf would have had me pissing my pants because he is terrifying. Like seriously, hands down, the scariest villain in any Dreamworks movie by both design and in terms of just the way he moves, the way he speaks, his eerie whistling any time he enters a scene? No wonder Puss has multiple panic attacks when faced by this motherfucker, because honestly, I would too.

The themes of this movie are all so wonderful as well, from the ones I mentioned above (learning to value life, trust, found family, etcs), but I think its overaching message is absolutely beautiful and shines its way through all of its various subplots. The idea that sometimes, the thing you're wishing for most is something you already have. Like damn, Dreamworks, hit me hard with that kind of beautiful, inspiring truth.

Also fucking hell, the ANIMATION??? IS UNREAL??? This is by and large the most BEAUTIFUL movie dreamworks has ever made, with such a unique and vibrant style that makes everything feel so... dreamlike, I'd say. The texture work here is so complex and yet so simple, the backgrounds are so intricate and colorful, the MOVEMENT IN SOME OF THESE FIGHT SCENES? Insane, unbelievable, Idk how they did it, but they DID it, and it's GORGEOUS. Also so is the music! The score SLAPS, especially in those fight scenes and also I just gotta say, Favorite Fearless Hero? Gonna be stuck in my head for a week. I ain't even mad about it.

So yeah, Puss in Boots: The Last Wish is probably one of the single greatest things Dreamworks has ever made. It just hits in every way, an excellent ride from beginning to end with a story that flows so well, characters that are just a delight to watch, animation and music that practically make me foam at the mouth, gah, its just... perfect. Truly, utterly perfect. (Or Purrfect, if you want to be catty about it (ok, I'll stop).

Overall Rating: 10/10

Verdict: Have a realistic depiction of a panic attack

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Prince of Egypt

Papa Bless (literally) its time for me to talk about one of my favorite animated movies, nay, one of my favorite MOVIES ever made. Prince of Egypt is a work of art. Hands down, it is one of the most incredible movies I have ever seen. I'm not even religious (I did grow up Christian and am now a Filthy Heathen but that's beside the point). The real point is that this movie is one that I think can be enjoyed by anyone reguardless of religion. At its core, they took a simple biblical story and turned it into something with raw passion and emotion and art. And I simply adore it.

Every time I watch this movie, its such an experience for me. I always fall in love with new things, from the fantastic character designs, to the insanely lovely animation to the beautiful songs and score to the way the story is told and the emotions the characters go through with it. Everything in this movie feels huge, weighty, and important. It's very respectful to its source material while making changes that make it work better as a film, particularly the brotherly dynamic between Moses and Rameses that adds a whole new layer of drama onto the story.

As for that story, we all know the Exodus story by now so I'll spare you on that and discuss the things the movie does on its own. That dynamic between Moses and Rameses is at the heart of the movie and it really is just a devestating tragedy to watch them break apart and become enemies because of the huge responsibilities thrust onto both of their shoulders. The fact that tragedy ends on such a heartcrushing note too its just... god. (literally god, get it? cause this is all his fault lol jk ok)

Moses is fantastically written, a great main character to follow who has compelling drama, at first about his true identity and how he struggles to comes to terms with it and then grappling with having to oppose Rameses to set the Hebrews free. Rameses himself may just be one of Dreamworks best villains, you really do feel bad for him but you also know he's bringing so much of this suffering on himself because of his own stubborn pride. The rest of the cast is also fantastic, Tzipporah is lovely and really fun, Miriam is an absolute sweetheart, Aaron is a sassy little loser but I love how he comes around in the end, and well, God is God (the burning bush scene tho, can we talk about that? fucking INSANE)

The MUSIC man, each song is SO damn good its hard for me to even pick a favorite. Deliver Us is such a strong opening, a wonderful way to set the stage that makes the stakes feel high right from the start. All I Ever Wanted is a great way to show the life Moses always knew cracking from the inside out. Through Heaven's Eyes is just a bop with a lovely message about change and growth. Playing with the Big Boys is delightfully sinister and the Plagues, oh GOD THE PLAGUES???? INSANE MAN SO DRAMATIC AND INTENSE AND THE IMAGERY IS JUST??!?!?! BRUH! When You Believe might be my favorite though, it starts out somber but grows into this hopeful triumph of excitement and relief and its absolutely beautiful.

This movie is so beautiful to look at too! The composition of some of these shots, the storyboarding, the facial expressions, the set pieces, the movement of the animation, its all so expertly crafted, so entrancing to watch every second of it. Like I said at the start, this movie truly is an utter work of art in every sence of the word.

I've been gushing about this movie for long enough I think, but I can't help it! It's honestly that good! And its so hard to believe that it came hot off the heels of a trash heap like Antz. Like bruh how were they cooking that shit and the godsend that is Prince of Egypt at the same time??? Insane, utterly insane. This studio is ridiculous.

Anyway, Prince of Egypt is the GOAT and I will fight you if you disagree.

Overall Rating: 10/10

Verdict: Tzipporah marry me pls

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Shark Tale

See now this is the part where the word "torture" really becomes accurate because oh my fucking god that's exactly what this hell movie is.

So uh yeah. Shark Tale. It sucks. Do I really need to go on? It's insufferably annoying with ugly ass characters who are incredibly unlikable, with a paper thin plot that beats you over the head with its message right from the very start. But I suppose if I have to break it down....

The movie stars Will Smith Fish I mean Oscar, who's a self-centered clout chaser who wants to become a "somebody" and a cliche misunderstanding succenly launches him into the status of a hero known as the Sharkslayer. This happens after the son of some shark mob boss (yes there's a shark mob shut up I hate it too) dies in an accident, and his other son, Lenny (who's a vegetarian, idk how that's possible, just roll with it) befriends Oscar and the two stage another shark slaying to keep Oscar in the limelight. Inset a stupid ass love triangle with Lola, the blatant gold digger, and Angie, Oscar's best friend who spends the entire movie pathetically simping over this piece of shit, and well... you have the cinematic mess that is Shark Tale.

So the plot sucks, the whole messages of "tell the truth" and "status and wealth aren't everything" are so beaten into you the movie barely gives you a chance to think about them for yourself. But even worse than that plot are the characters. Oscar is just so damn unlikeable man, he's a lying asshole who only really cares about upward mobility and is willing to screw the few people who do care about him over to get it. Angie is just as bad, a bitchy, jealous simp who more or less gaslights Oscar into loving her by the end imo. The other characters are all one-note and lame, but I guess if any of them are mildly amusing, Lenny is the best of the bunch, if only because he's not an utterly miserable tool like everyone else in this movie is.

The music is the typical early 2000s Dreamworks pop nonsense, it wasn't too insufferable given the vibe of the movie, but still, it wasn't anything standout. The animation is... ok, but god these fugly ass character designs. Why oh WHY did they decide to putt Will Smith's face on a fucking FISH? Who looked at this and thought THIS WAS OK????

I will say the backgrounds and environments are genuinely nice to look at though, probably one of the very few redeeming qualities this film has to offer. As for everything else, well, there's a reason this movie lives in infamy as one of the worst things Dreamworks has ever put out. It sinks to scrub the bottom of the barrel (get it? Ok I'll shut up) in just about every way there is. It's riddled with lame puns, unfunny jokes, blatant product placements, and just about every stupid cliche you can think of for a kids movie. Save yourself the trouble and leave this one for the fishes (goddammit now the stupid ass movie has me doing it too).

Overall Rating: 2/10

Verdict: Send these ugly ass fish to the toxic waste dump where they belong

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Captain Underpants: The Epic First Movie

So I have to admit, Captain Underpants is yet another thing I didn't engage with as a child. I remember the books being around when I was a kid, but I was too busy being obsessed with Disney Princesses and Barbie to really care. So as my first exposure to this property, how does it hold up?

We focus on best friends Harold and George, who spend their days writing and drawing the "Captain Underpants" comics about a underwear-clad superhero's epic adventures. Those adventures find their way into reality when they accidentally hypnotize their strict principle Krupp into thinking he is Captain Underpants. While fun at first, danger is thrown into the mix with the arrival of Professor Poopypants, who seeks to rid the entire world of laughter.

So yeah, this movie is really silly, but I think it works in its favor? Like, it's probably the most meta Dreamworks movie ever, like no joke Harold and George break the fourth wall constantly ala Emperor's New Groove and it's actually pretty funny in that reguard? The humor overall is pretty sharp, spare for a few obvious potty jokes (I mean, the bad guy's name is Poopypants). But even then they didn't really bother me that much because, well, this movie is just... charming? Its sharply written and a silly little romp that knows exactly what it is and doesn't strain itself trying to be anything more (unlike Boss Baby before it).

The characters here are all pretty fun. George and Harold make a great dynamic duo and they play off each other really well. Our titual captain is expectedly silly and humorously emptyheaded, but he steals the show whenever he's on screen. We start the movie off thinking Krupp will be the antagonist, and he's delightfully cruel and unhinged. Even more unhinged though, is our villain. Professor Poopypants may just be one of the funniest Dreamworks baddies yet. He just plays the insane supervillain trope so well and he gets some of the funniest jokes in the entire movie as a result.

I think what really charmed me about this movie, however, was the way it looks. I am highkey OBSESSED with how stylized this movie is! It matches the vibes of the books perfectly and does it so well. The colors all pop, the simple character designs just work, and the animation is so smooth and fluid and fast-paced with some really great work when it comes to character expressions, which is impressive given the fact that all of the characters have dots for eyes.

So yeah, overall this is a pretty simple movie, but a really fun little romp! I appreciate that it really doesn't try to be more than it is, doesn't try to phone in some fake emotions or a pointless message. It exists to be silly and over the top and ridiculous and it does a pretty solid job at that! As an epic first adventure, I can safely say I hope it ends up being the start of several more.

Overall Rating: 7/10

Verdict: Get flushed down the Turbo Toilet 200

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: How To Train Your Dragon

Fucking FINALLY I can gush about this goddamn MASTERPIECE of a fucking movie, and the source of my newest obsession cause oh my god, ya'll oh my god this FRANCHISE is RUINING ME and it may not be why I decided to understake this entire Dreamworks watch to begin with (for better or worse, but worth it to get to watch through this trilogy again).

We focus on Hiccup, a young viking who's out of place among the other dragon-killing vikings on Berk, especially his stern father, Stoick. During a dragon raid one night, Hiccup accidentally shoots down a Night Fury, said to be one of the most dangerous dragons of all. Slowly but surely, however, Hiccup secretly befriends this dragon, which he names Toothless, while in the midst of dragon hunting training alongside Berk's other young vikings, Astrid, Snotlout, Fishlegs, Ruffnut, and Tuffnut.

So this story is so damn good, so fucking good, its so simple, so rooted in the emotions of it all, of Hiccup being torn between wanting to live up to his father's expectations while also growing closer with Toothless and coming to sympathize with dragons in general. As a result, we get some of the strongest emotional highs and lows in really any Dreamworks movie, and it all works so well and flows so beautifully. In fact, this story doesn't even need an antagonist like its two sequels do (i mean it kind of has one in the Red Death, but its more an obstacle to be taken out above all else), it's source of conflict really is what I just described above and it's so well-crafted on every level.

Hell, everything about this movie is. The characters are all phenomenal, it's not wonder this spawned two sequels and several shows (you should watch Riders/Defenders of Berk and Race to the Edge btw, they're great). Hiccup is one of Dreamworks' best leads by far, a genuis little ball of sass who is just as loyal as he is stubborn. The other teens don't get a ton of focus here, but Astrid does, and she's great, starting out as our usual Dreamworks tough gal before eventually softening up to Hiccup heading into the third act. Also, can I just talk about Stoick for a sec? They could have done this man so dirty, could have made him the usual angry father who doesn't understand or care about his son, but he isn't. He cares so damn much about Hiccup, and it shows, even if he claims to be embarassed by him, even if he seems like he wants him to change, he still loves his son to hell and back (which makes what happens in the second movie so much more tragic, but we'll get to that). And then of course, there's Toothless, who is just... absolute Baby. I love how catlike he is, and how, much like Hiccup, he's also kind of a sassy little shit in his own special way.

The animation, golly, its so pretty, The flying scenes are this franchise's bread and butter and they are just a delight to watch. The character designs are some of Dreamworks' best, especially on the Dragons. They all look so unque and have their own little quirks that make them all special. Toothless especially is animated so well. They give him these cat-like mannerisms that bring so much charm to a character that doesn't speak a single word. It's fantastic.

You know what else is fantastic about this movie? THE MUSIC OH MY GOD. This may just be the single greatest score in ANY Dreamworks movie. It's GOD TIER GOOD. The entire franchise has amazing music, but most of the themes that repeat throughout the next two movies started here and they're all so beautiful. Seriously, give this score a listen if you haven't, its just... amazing.

The whole movie is amazing! I honest to god love everything about it so much. It's such a strong start to what I think is Dreamworks' greatest franchise, to a world and characters that I am literally obsessed with now send help, and to a series that I'm so very excited to be revisiting for this watch through. Please, if you've never seen How to Train Your Dragon, do yourself a favor and watch it now. You will not be sorry.

Overall Rating: 10/10

Verdict: (gestures vaguely at Hiccup) LOOK AT MY SON

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Rise of the Guardians

So I vaguely remember watching this movie at a Walmart once while I was waiting on my car to get fixed. Fuck all if I remember anything about it though other than that people ship the ice twink with Elsa or whatever. So I kind of went into this one for my first active watching of it with bare expectations. How did I end up finding it then?

The Guardians are a group of mythical beings composed of North (Santa Claus), the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the Sandman, and their newest recruit, Jack Frost. Together, they protect the children of the world from the villainous Pitch Black (the Boogeyman) from spreading fear across the entire world. A pretty solid setup with some good payoff, but... there are problems.

I think my biggest issue with Rise of the Guardians is... well, its ambitious. A bit too ambitious for its own good at times. It has so much it wants to establish with these characters and how their roles and powers work that it sometimes bogs itself down with all of the details and... overcomplicates things a bit too much? Like on its own, we all are familiar with the concept of Santa or the Easter Bunny, and I do appreciate how creative this movie is with executing them and the work that they do. But sometimes, it just... gets in its own way? If that makes any sense?

So a simple premise that bogs itself down in the details. Ok, what else is there about this movie to redeem it? Lots, surprisingly! The Guardians are all really fun characters in their own right, and I loved the dynamic developed between them. Jack Frost is our focal point out of all of them, and I really liked him! He's an angsty little ice twink who can't been seen by almost anyone because no one believes him, so he has plenty of baggage for compelling drama. My one issue with him though is that I don't think Chris Pine's voice works for his character design? Like I look at that character and I do not think the voice of a man cresting his mid 40s. Its just a touch weird in terms of casting.

The other Guardians are also really fun and unique takes on characters we all already know. North is a delightfully different take on Santa, still just as jolly as we know him to be, with a slick action-hero element of him to the side. The Tooth Fairy has a very sweet, fast-paced energy to her, while the Easter Bunny brings a great edge of sass to compete with Jack throughout the film. The Sandman, while not saying a word, is probably my favorite of the bunch though. He's just so charming and sweet and while he isn't in much of the movie, he makes such a strong impact every second he's on screen.

Of course, we also have our villain, Pitch Black. He's sinister and manipulative, if not a bit... predictable? Like we've all seen this kind of villain before, he isn't doing anything new, but he works well as a foil for this team, especially for Jack and I think he's an ok antagonist overall.

Visually, this movie is beautiful, so unlike almost anything Dreamworks has ever made before, with gorgeous effects and fantastically animated action sequences. The character designs are so... un-Dreamworks, but they work so nicely in the world they inhabit. That world itself is beautifully built, especially in its more fantastical setpieces like the Tooth Palace or the North Pole. The score was also lovely to listen to, capturing the sheer creativity of this movie so nicely.

At the end of the day, I think that's the perfect word to describe Rise of the Guardians. It's very creative, with a lot of love and thought clearly poured into it. It really is a shame that it didn't go anywhere further into a series or more sequels because I would have loved to see more of this team and watch them just... be together. They're that fun to watch in action. Same for the movie itself. It's good!

Overall Rating: 8/10

Verdict: All hail the Ice Twink

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Mr. Peabody and Sherman

So let me start off by saying I have no prior knowledge of this... property? I honestly don't even know what Mr. Peabody and Sherman originally was, a show? A comic? I don't care enough to research it, because this movie was lame.

Yeah so I don't know if its because of my inpaitence for the movie I get to watch after this or because I was already in a bad mood from watching Turbo but Mr. Peabody and Sherman... just didn't do it for me, ya'll. And I think the fact that this is perhaps so very blatantly made for very small kids is a large part of the reason why.

We focus on Mr. Peabody, a genuis dog and his adopted son, Sherman, as they travel through time using the WABAC time machine and get up to shenanigans. Throw in Sherman's classmate, bully turned love interest Penny, and we get hijinks all around various times and locales such as ancient Egypt, renissance Italy, and more.

It's a pretty simple setup, and I'm not faulting it for that. What I am faulting this movie for is that it's just... god, it drags on. It doesn't help that the characters are... kind of fucking insufferable along the way. Mr. Peabody is... ok, kind of an annoying genuis know-it-all type but he sort of grew on me as the film went on. Sherman is an annoying kid, so I'm already not a fan of that. And Penny might just be the worst of the bunch, god I hated this annoying little bitch. Rare is it that I watch a movie and hope for a child character in it to rest in fucking pieces, but I was rooting for that to happen to Penny cause she is the worst.

The time travel hijinks are... fun, I guess? I mean, they travel to very well known points in history and make some cute references to real world events, but even then, they're just that. Cute. Because this is a movie for babies. It skews very young with its humor, its writing, its message, and yes, even its art style and animation. Because of that, I, a tired, bitter woman in her mid/late 20s, had almost nothing to connect with here. Try as the movie might to have its emotional moments and themes about family and love, I just... felt nothing.

As for the animation, at least this is a very nice movie to look at. The character designs are pretty fun and unique for Dreamworks, and it's boosted by a vibrant color palette that grabs the eye all the way through. The score also had some pretty fun jazzy moments in it, but even so, it was nothing really that special.

Really, that's what I can say about this movie as a whole. It's... nothing special. It didn't grab me, didn't captivate me in any meaningful way. I mean, it didn't offend me and it wasn't "bad" per say, it it was far from being anything resembling good. It's just... really, really damn mid.

Overall Rating: 4/10

Verdict: Eat a TastyKake with Marie Antionette

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Monsters Vs. Aliens

So you might be surprised to learn I never really watched this movie before now. And yeah... I don't think this movie was really a major part of too many other peoples' childhoods either. Because uhhh we got a mid in an otherwise banger era for Dreamworks.

We focus on Susan, who is struck by a meteorite at her wedding and mutates into a 50 foot tall woman, now dubbed Ginormica. She's imprisoned alongside a group of other monsters, including Dr. Cockroach, the Missing Link, B.O.B, and Insectasorus, who are all recruited into fighting an encroaching alien menace in exchange for their freedom. It's a simple story, one that's clearly harkening back to classic monster and alien movies alike, sort of as a blending of the genres of sorts. It presents moments of strong emotion, but idk, they just didn't really land for me? This whole movie as a whole really didn't, tbh.

Our characters are fine enough. Susan is an ok protagonist, initially a very normal woman who comes into her own and grows strong both physically and emotionally as the plot goes along. The other monsters are ok, not as annoying as I thought they'd be, but not the best either. I did enjoy the friendship they had with each other, and with Susan though, you really do get the sense that all these weirdos genuinely care about each other. Our villian is Gallaxhar, a power-hungry alien, and he's your usually silly antagonist who is just... ok. Like everything else abuot this movie.

The animation is... again, ok. I believe this movie was initially made to be shown in 3D, so there's a lot of weird stuff going on on that front. The character designs are also kind of ugly, especially some of the humans, though I think that might have been intentional given that How to Train Your Dragon only came out a few months after this and the humans all look fine in that. There's a good mix of action and comedy here and both are again, say it with me now, just ok. Nothing laugh out loud hilarious here, I kind of didn't react to much of anything at all while watching this.

So yeah, Monsters Vs Aliens isn't really a bad movie, but I can't call it anything other then just ok. It's not very memorable, not when matched up against its contemporaries, and I can see why it never really garnished any sequels (I know it does have TV show though, I have fever dreams of seeing it on Nickelodeon while home sick from middle school). It just... doesn't leave much of an impact on you (ironic, given the film starts with a literal meteorite impacting a woman).

The timing for this movie is so weird because it really is just a very meh movie sandwiched in between some of Dreamworks' absolute best. Personally, it didn't do much for me, but I'm not much of a sci-fi buff in general so maybe I'm just not the right audience for it. Idk ya'll, at the end of the day, all I can say about Monsters Vs. Aliens is that... well, it certainly exists. And that's about it.

Overall Rating: 5/10

Verdict: Get wrecked by a radioactive meteorite

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Spirit Untamed

Why the fuck does this movie exist? No really, why does it exist? Who asked for a Spirit reboot (not a sequel, because it isnt a sequel, its a reboot for some reason) in the year of our lord 2021? Who asked for this to be released in theaters? And why is it honest to god one of the worst movies I've had the displeasure of watching as part of this marathon???

Ugh, ok so we follow a girl named Lucky, who's visiting her estranged father for the summer alongside her uptight aunt Cora. While there, she meets a captured wild horse, which she quickly bonds with and names Spirit, while also befriending two other local Horse Girls (get ready to hear me say Horse GIrls a lot bc this is literally Horse Girls The Movie). When Spirit's herd is captured by bandits, its up to these Horse GIrls to go on a grand adventure and rescue them.

Yeah, basic plot with insanely basic characters because this movie is for Babies and Horse GIrls. I don't know what else to fucking say. Everything about this movie screams childish and pandering, from the way these characters are written (its set in the early 1900s, but these kids use words like "totally" and make friendship bracelets omg besties, jfc shoot me) from the shitty pop songs to even how it looks (more on that in a bit). There's like... basically nothing appealing about this film if you aren't a very small child or obsessed with horses and even then, the horses element of it is just oh, look at horse make big jump! oh look at horse bond with horse girl! And it gets so damn old so damn fast.

The characters here are all as basic as they can be. Lucky is your typical headstrong preteen, who is way too overconfident in her own abilities, to the point that she's kind of moronic imo? Her friends aren't much better and barely have personalities outside of being there to support Lucky and be her omg besties! Spirit is just... fuckin there, he has no real personality, unlike the original movie where he had a bunch, without even saying a word. Lucky's dad is the most Generic Dreamworks Dad with hangups I've ever seen, I guess Aunt Cora is probably the only semi fun character in the cast, and the bad guy, fuck he was so ineffective and boring I don't even remember his name. The only thing I do remember is his face is weirdly smooshed and he got defeated by a goddam Horse Girl, of all things, jesus christ man, that's taking a major L.

The animation here is just plain pathetic. I understand that this was basically made to launch a Netflix spinoff series, but fuck man, this released in theaters. Does Dreamworks have no fucking shame? Even some of their earliest CGI movies looked better than this bland, uninteresting looking style they have going on here. The music is every bit as boring and forgettable, with again, shitty pop songs. Yay. Just what we need more of.

So yeah, this one fucking sucked. The only good thing I can say about it is it was mercifully short. But like... it was so goddamn boring, man. Even Boss Baby, for as bad as it was, was at least interesting to watch bc you wanted to see how batshit bad it would get. This was just... hard to even focus on with how dull and predictable it was. So thanks, Dreamworks, for releasing this second rate trash heap in theaters, because otherwise I would have never ruined an evening of my life watching it. Seriously, thanks for that. T-T

Overall Rating: 2/10

Verdict: Banished to Horse GIrl Country

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Next Review (The Boss Baby: Family Business)

Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Home

So ya'll ever watch a movie you know for a fact, just by looking at it, is made for babies and very small children? Yeah, that's what Home is, in like, almost every way. It is a dumb movie made for dumb children. I didn't like it. Let's get into why.

The Boov are (super quirky omgzz) alien race that take over the planet Earth as their new home, relocating humans, all except for Tip, a no-nonsense girl who's determined to find her missing mother. She teams up with Oh, perhaps the most fucking annoying Boov of all to the point that he's hated even by his fellow aliens, as they travel across the Earth to find Tip's mom.

Simple premise, simple movie. And yet despite that, it still manages to have really weird and fucky pacing? Like moments that should be spent on actually developing the characters and their relationships with each other are just... glossed over through montages or very brief scenes? It's really, really weirdly paced, I don't even know how to properly explain it. It felt like the movie was speed running itself (fine with me, the sooner it ended, the better.)

So if the movie isn't focusing on that, what is it focusing on? Well some pretty unexciting action scenes for one, but then there's the real thing this movie is about: humor. Really shitty, bad, immature, lame potty humor and "omgz so random!" kind of humor that was running rampant in the 2010s. Like I said, this is a baby movie, for babies. So all of the jokes are very simple and dumbed down and not a single one of them got even a smile out of me. This entire movie was a flaccid, joyless experience.

When it isn't smacking you in the face with fart and piss jokes, its trying so damn hard to hit you in the feels. But in that reguard, it takes a swing and misses completely because I felt nothing for these characters in the slightest. Oh might just be one of the most annoying Dreamworks protagonists yet, with this really aggrivating way of talking that all the Boov have where they skip words or just say things wrongly and I get it, that's the joke, but fuck if it doesn't become grating almost immediately. Tip is only a little better, but she's largely an inconsistant character, hating Oh at one point and then being besties with him the next that I barely even knew what her characterization was even supposed to be.

What else, what else? Uh.... There was a villain? The leader of the Boov? I don't remember anything significant about him? Oh and uhhh the uhhh (checks Wikipedia page bc this movie made such a nothing impact on me i can barely remember it only ten minutes after viewing it) the Gorg, which is also a nothing threat, just there to be "oooh scary" until the end where it's revealed it isn't actually scary at all and just wanted its babies back (fucking Chicken Little did this first and better, you know your movie sucks if I'm saying goddamn Chicken Little is better).

The animation is very basic, very unimpressive character designs in a very average looking world. It's not what you'd expect from Dreamworks, that's for sure; I'd say its more along the lines of Illumination's normal quality. The soundtrack was all done by Rihanna, who voices Tip, and uhhh I'm not a big Rihanna fan, just gonna admit that up front. Her songs also just feel ill-placed throughout this very silly, zany romp, it just felt so weird at times to hear these soulful ballads when I had to fucking look at Oh's stupid face like what were they thinking with this???

So yeah, bad movie for babies. Sucks because I know Dreamworks can do better, they have so many times before. Unfortunately, sometimes, I think they just go for whatever they think will sell. And well, I'm sure they thought Oh would turn into a million marketable plushies (he probably did idk). But anyway, Home can go the fuck home so I never have to look at it again.

Overall Rating: 3/10

Verdict: Get assassinated with the Shush wand or whatever the fuck it was called idk i stopped paying attention halfway through this dumbass movie to play on my Switch

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: The Penguins of Madagascar

We've finally reached another Dreamworks spinoff, this time focusing on that lovable flock of flightless agents from the Madagascar trilogy. It kind of just makes sense to give the Penguins their own movie, ya know? They're really fun characters to watch in short bursts in the original movies, but how well do they fare as the stars of their own film? Let's get into it.

We pick up after the events of Madagascar 3, with Skipper, Private, Kowalski, and Rico facing the menacing Dave, an octopus who was scorned by the penguins becoming more popular than him back at the New York Zoo. Now, he vows revenge against all penguins, and it's up to our squad to stop his schemes, while clashing with the rival agency, North Wind.

It's a pretty fun setup with a pretty fun execution, all things considered. It's well-paced despite its fast moving action sequences and its just as quickly paced (and often very over the top) sense of humor. It's tone skews very silly, perhaps even sillier than the already very silly Madagascar 3, and yet... I think it works. The Penguins themselves are already pretty over the top personalities, so putting them in a plot like this and just letting them do their thing works so well to the movie's advantage. Even so, I think it might have just been a little too... ridiculous at points for me, and while some of the jokes are really great, others skew a little... low brow (some potty humor here and there and a few gags that outstayed their welcome).

Still, I do like the Penguins as characters in this. They're a bit less compitent than usual, but that makes sense; we wouldn't want them as sharply skilled and successful here as they were in the Madagascar trilogy, otherwise we wouldn't have a conflict. The emotional journey here definitely focuses on Skipper and Private, with Private yearning to be viewed as a valuable member of the team and Skipper learning to appreciate him as just that. It leads to some genuinely sweet moments between them, I think. As for our new characters, we have North Wind, and they're just... ok. Not a whole lot to them, each of them are pretty one-note and they're just sort of there to be rivals, later allies for the Penguins.

As for our villain, I really liked Dave! He's a petty bitch and matches the comedy of this movie perfectly. Since he's an octopus, they were really able to flex with him in the animation department, so not only is a fun antagonist to listen to, he's even more fun to watch in motion.

The animation itself is pretty good. Like I said, lots of fast-paced action befitting the kind of hijinks the Penguins usually get up to. Nothing too impressive here, again, aside from the animation on Dave, which is genuinely unhinged and I love it. The music is also pretty good, with a lot of that snazzy spy jazz you're probably used to from a movie like this.

So yeah, the Penguins of Madgascar is pretty ok, though I don't think it really matches the quality of any of the other Madagascar movies that came before it. It's just a nice, fun little romp of a film that doesn't really do or say a whole, because, well, it doesn't really need to. It is exactly what it says its going to be, an adventure with the Penguins and Madagascar. And I think it does a pretty good job of being that.

Overall Rating: 6/10

Verdict: Consume a bag of delicious Cheesy Dibbles

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: How to Train Your Dragon 2

(*screams in insanely high frequencies*) HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2 IS ONE OF THE GREATEST THINGS DREAMWORKS HAS EVER MADE AND SOMEHOW EVEN BETTER THAN THE FIRST AND I AM IN SHAMBLES EMOTIONALLY AFTER WATCHING IT BUT I NEED YA'LL TO LISTEN TO ME AS I SCREAM ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT THIS FILM IS TO ME OK?

Woo, ok, calming down a bit. But can you really blame my excitement? How to Train Your Dragon 2 is just... so damn good, it is so damn good ya'll. It takes everything the first movie did, the characters, the story, the animation, the music, and just... perfects it. It is an utterly fantastic ride from beginning to end and it is one of the main factors as to why I am so utterly head over heels for this franchise (well, it and Race to the Edge, again go watch it, its good).

We return to Berk five years after the first movie, with Hiccup under pressure from his father to take on the mantle of chief. However, danger soon arrives in the form of Drago Bludvist, who is amassing a dragon army. While searching for Drago to try and reason with him, Hiccup reunites with his estranged mother, Valka, who, much like him, has a deep affinity and respect for all dragons. From there, well, damn a bunch of stuff happens, in a story that just flows so well and just... slams you with so many emotions, from sheer joy and wonder to crushing despair and grief. It's a roller coaster, to say the least, one that is utterly captivating and at times, utterly heartbreaking. And I adore every last second of it.

Our returning characters are all fantastic, as usual. I especially love the arc Hiccup goes through here, because while the first movie was in ways, a coming of age story for him, this one truly is, with him struggling to figure out who he really is and who he's meant to be. It's a beautiful narrative about responsibility and leadership, one that Hiccup and Toothless experience together in such a beautiful, parallel way. As for our new cast, we have Valka (who I'm in love with btw) and she's just delightful. The way we get to see her bond with Hiccup and rekindle her relationship with Stoick is absolutely beautiful (AT LEAST UNTIL THE DAMN MOVIE TEARS THIS BEAUTIFUL FAMILY APART WHY CANT THEY HAVE ANYTHING NICE FUCK).

However, I do have to say that the weakest link in both this movie, as well as the next installment in this series... is its villain. The first movie didn't have much in the way of an antagonist, and I think it worked well in its favor. Because HTTYD antagonists... are kind of mid to lame. Drago Bludvist is certainly on the more mid side; he's just... ya know, a bad guy. He isn't really a compelling foil to Hiccup, just some crazy guy who wants to use dragons to conquer people and uses violence to get his way. He's not especially interesting, despite his rather cool design. He's just... there.

But that one minor point aside, everything else about this movie is utterly fantastic. The animation is somehow even more stunning than the first, with so many new dragon designs to see and an even wider world to explore. The flying and fight scenes are so mezmerising to watch, and the music FUCKING GOD don't get me started on this score. It is utterly HEAVENLY, just like the first movie's (also For the Dancing and the Dreaming has me in shambles, I'm still crying, don't look at me). What kind of insane magic Dreamworks used to make this movie look and sound as good as it does? The world may never know.

So yeah, this movie clearly has a major soft spot in my heart. I watched it when it first came out in theaters and absolutely loved it then, just like I do now. Every time I review it, I fall more in love, especially now that I've seen the tie in shows, I can appreciate how they led up to this movie and what details were thrown in that to make them serve as something of a prologue to 2.

As for the movie itself, its such a masterful work of art, one that I'll gladly return to over and over again. Aside from Prince of Egypt, it's probably my second favorite Dreamworks movie overall. And considering some of the other contenders on this list, that's saying something. I love it to pieces, always have, always will. It's wonderful.

Overall Rating: 10/10

Verdict: Hiccup's Mom has got it going on

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Turbo

Ya'll ever watch a movie that leaves such a little impression on you that you're almost certain it'll dump itself out of your brain within hours of watching it? Because good god, if Turbo ain't one of those movies.

It is... so fucking boring. So fucking forgettable, such a nothing movie on all accounts. The characters are one-note, the story is bland, even the animation isn't anything impressive to look at. But don't just take my word for it. Let's get into this... whatever the fuck it is I just watched.

Theo is a garden snail who's bored with his mundane life (wow, how many times have we seen that one in a Dreamworks movie before) and is constantly at ends with his brother Chet. One day. a freak accident involving nitrous oxide imbues Theo, who renames himself Turbo, with super speed. After being captured by and befriending Tito, a taco truck driver with brother issues of his own, Turbo is on his way to achieving his longtime dream of racing and winning the Indy 5,000 race.

So yeah, the plot is kinda dumb. I mean its obviously very silly and out there, its a kids movie, blatantly to its core. One that constantly feels like its ripping off both Cars and Ratatouille somehow??? Like seriously, there isn't really an original bone in this movie's body. I mentioned before the characters here are all very one note at best, stereotypes at worst (especially with some of the human characters). Turbo is just a bland protagonist with not a lot to him to really make us care about him or root for him. Chet is a wet blanket for most of the movie, and even the point where he comes around feels forced and rushed. The other snails are just as boring as the human characters are, meant to just spew out whitty lines and catch phrases to try and make them seem "hip with the kids" when they are so clearly not. There's also a villain? I guess? I don't remember enough about him to say anything significant so there's that.

The humor in this is just... trying too damn hard. Lots of physical humor yes, but also a good deal of bad puns and lame one-liners. Another thing that absolutely took me out of this movie so fucking fast were the product placements. Like yes, I understand that brands sponsor cars at a race like the Indy 5000 but jesus fucking christ the amount of times I had to look at the Verizon logo in this stupid ass movie made my skin literally crawl.

The animation is just... whatever. Nothing too impressive here, the character designs are typical Dreamworks doing the bare minimum to get by. Same with the music, boring pop songs set against a boring score. The least this movie could have done if it was gonna force me to sit through a shitty script and boring story was look decent, but it doesn't even manage to do that right.

So yeah, Turbo is just about as bad as I was expecting it to be. I mean, it barely passes above the likes of insultingly bad movies like Antz and Shark Tale, because at least this one didn't make me want to gouge my eyes and ears out. But that's not saying much.

Overall Rating: 3/10

Verdict: Salt every last one of these damn snails

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: The Croods

So I have to admit, I really wasn't looking forward to watching The Croods. I've never seen it before, never really heard anything that positive about it before, and all I did remember of it was its actually pretty bad marketing back in the day when it first came out that made it look low brow and kiddish. So how is the movie, actually? Well... it... surprised me. Let's get into it.

The Croods are a family of cave people, led by the stubbornly cautious father Grug. His teenage daughter, Eep, is a stark contrast, as she wants to see the world beyond the cave, despite how dangerous it might be. She gets her chance when she runs into Guy, who introduces the family to new concepts and ideas like fire and shoes and so on. Together, they're racing against the clock to search for a new place to call home.

It's a very simple plot, one that wears its themes of tradition vs. new ideas on its sleeves to an almost annoying extent. It's very... on the nose in a lot of ways, definately skewing toward a younger demographic in just about every way, with that message, with how it delivers that message, and with its humor, which yes, can be pretty low-brow and childish, just as I anticipated it would be.

And yet... there are things about this movie I actually really liked! I started the movie off thinking Grug was just your run of the mill overprotective dad type, but during the third act, I really came to care about him and found him to be such a refreshing take on that trope. Eep is a also a really fun main character, really funny and rebellious, but not in the typical teenage daughter way. Guy is also really fun, smart and clever and his romantic relationship with Eep develops in a really sweet and natural way. As for the rest of the family... they're just ok. They're all kind of just one-note and none of them get nearly as much development as Grug, Eep, and Guy do.

While the humor didn't strike much of a cord with me here, the emotions actually did! Like yes, it is very on the nose with its themes, but dammit if I didn't feel the love this crazy ass family had for each other shining through, especially toward the end. The third act completely captivated me; there's a stark tone shift but by god if it doesn't work so well in this film's favor to turn what was otherwise a largely forgettable story into something actually worth watching. I'd almost say getting to the climax is worth the price of admission here alone.

The animation here is actually pretty impressive! The level of detail they put into the character models, with the dirt caked onto their skin and clothes, really impressed me. Also, the setpieces were also very beautiful, vast and vivid and befitting a prehistoric setting. What kind of took me out of that setting a little was some of the animal designs. They can get... kinda weird, and a little too cartoony for my liking. I get what they were going for, but... I don't think it really works.

So yeah, The Croods was an unexpected, yet mostly pleasant surprise. I mean I can't say I loved it or anything or that I'll go back and watch it over and over again, but at the very least I didn't want to actually die while watching it, which is probably more than I can say for our next entry in this watchthrough. Get your salt ready, folks; the snails are coming....

Overall Rating: 6/10

Verdict: Unexpected MILF Jumpscare

Previous Review (Rise of the Guardians)

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Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Shrek Forever After

Alas, we've reached the end of our Shrek Saga (at least for now, but my Dreamworks watch will be over way before Shrek 5 comes out so shhh). So, how do we cap off Dreamworks' most successful and well-known franchise? Well...

Bored with how mundane his life has become, Shrek strikes a deal with the shifty Rumpelstiltskin to have a day where he can go back to the old ogre lifestyle he used to have before he met Fiona, in exchange for a single day of his life, which just so happens to be the day he was born. So Shrek emerges in a timeline where he never existed, where he and Donkey never met, where he never saved Fiona from the tower, and where Rumpelstiltskin rules Far Far Away. Now Shrek has to find a way to undo the deal before he disappears forever. Sound like a complicated plot with way too much going on in it? Well, that's because it is.

So yeah there's like... a thousand plot threads happening here, from Shrek realizing he gave up the good life he had, to him trying to get Fiona to fall in love with him again, to Fiona leading a resistance of other ogres against Rumpel, to Rumpel trying to apprehend Shrek so he can stay in power, and that's not even mentioning side characters like Donkey and Puss who get sidelined in this movie so bad it's not even funny. There's just... way too much happening here and none of it feels like it has the focus that it should. As a result, almost everything feels rushed as its packed into this movie's runtime, and the emotions the plot clearly wants you to feel... just aren't really there.

Something else that isn't really there is the humor. This movie definitely skews toward a younger audience than the previous three, with much more silly puns and grossout humor than whitty quips and clever references. I'd be willing to forgive that if the characters were enjoyable here, but... they just aren't?

This is Shrek at his worst; I think his biggest problem is he's a lot dumber here than he ever has been before, guilliable enough to fall for the obvious bad deal Rumpel sets him up with, too oblivious to read the room when it comes to his interactions with this timeline's Fiona, just... nowhere near as sharply clever as we're used to him being. The same can be said about the other returning characters too, though I will say Fiona is actually pretty cool here. Like I said, she leads a resistance, and we get to see the badass qualities we saw of her in the first movie really come back around here in full force. As for the new characters, I liked the ogres in Fiona's resistance, but like everything else, they get nowhere near enough focus and we don't really get to know them as much as I would have liked to.

Then, we have our villain, Rumpelstilskin who is... ok. He's very over the top, very silly and unhinged, power hungry and egotistical. And yet, say it with me again kids, I feel like we don't get enough time to focus on him! That's really the biggest problem with this movie as a whole. It's way too ambitious to the point that it seems fundamentally confused about what it wants to be. It has major structural and pacing problems that bring the entire package down a lot. I wanted to like this movie, but idk, I just... couldn't, really. And that's a bummer.

Something I will praise this movie for though, is it's animation. While this is far from the best Shrek film, this is by far the best looking Shrek. They've really mastered these character designs and textures, as well as how this world is supposed to look and feel. The music is also pretty good, with some fun choices for pop songs and some really nice pieces in the score.

So yeah, Shrek Forever After is... certainly a movie that Dreamworks made. I think I said this about another movie awhile back, can't remember which one, but this film really is trying to be a jack of all trades (humor, emotions, character development, etc) and proves to be a master of none. We hate to see our Lord and Savior Shrek go out on such a mid note, but eh, I guess that's just the way it goes sometimes.

Overall Rating: 5/10

Verdict: Do the roar

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