be that body image issues leading to a deep-rooted conviction that I'm unlovable and undesirable, extreme detachment from my body and sexuality due to self-hatred and homophobic environment or self-consciousness caused by relentless bullying, but I am utterly petrified and at the same time fascinated at the thought that people around me routinely have sex. I see a couple walking by and think, wow, they probably have sex from time to time...parents with children, and I'm like oh they surely fucked at least twice, as many times as there are the children....a friend mentions her boyfriend, and I'm immediately like, wow, they probably sleep together....it's not a voyeuristic sort of thought, I'm not getting off on it in a slightest, it's rather....I have put sex on such a high pedestal for me, always believing that there wouldn't be anyone willing to have sex with me, that I cannot even fathom people for whom it's a regular and normal activity