I haven't made a fall out boy post in SO LONG but I'm talking about this. Tell me if I'm just insane but this is like. Important to him. The confidence it would take for him to dress like this and POST it. The cut of the pants, tucking them into the PLATEFORM LATEX BOOTS. The gold jewlery. The cut and collar of the mesh shirt. THE KNITTED/CROCHETED (?) ROSES??? the way he didn't even pull his shirt from under his collar before taking photos. The proud little smile. The confidence of dressing different. Idk everything about this fit feels deliberate and im. I pray it's a stage outfit for fob8

im doing my best in school but tbh ive gotten to the point where if i dont meet the grade average the actual school wants me to have in order to accept me ive kind of just accepted that i’ll be kinda fucked and try to push through stuff until i give up

idk a lot of it feels like im being set up for failure pretty often. i have a schedule to check things that meets the req to check x times a week but stuff is being assigned on the inbetween days to be due on the days i check and i jsut dont have the time to do it (or there’s a bunch of new guidelines introduced after the posted assignment by four days and by then i already turned in what i did and i get marked down b/c of the late addendum) i regret taking 4 courses and wish i took 3 or 2 but i couldnt do that since the deal was i take a full course load with this school and make a 2.5 minimum to be accepted to the actual, real school. maybe i shouldnt have cowered out of the arrangement i couldve had where i got to the physical school and have physical classes and live in an apartment. b/c. i think if i did that id be doing a lot better in them. i just freaked out b/c i dont do well alone (i get extremely paranoid/scared and with where my mind was going i didnt want to be alone). online just feels really difficult for me. its hard to keep track of everything. its hard to remember where x, y, or z is ‘cuz they’re all buried under seven different links that are different between the classes. sometimes the textbook fails and crashes and you lose all your progress in terms of it keeping track that you’re reading and doing the dumb 30 question quizzes inside of it. so then it’s like another four hours down the drain.   then it’s like “oh this is an easy assignment” and im struggling witht hose and im like “what the fuck is a hard assignment b/c im gonna fail it” i feel like im either going to barely squeak by with the 2.5 or im gonna fail too many things and not make it and then it’s basically kind of well, either i finish the book i have almost done-ish and i get lucky and get to live my actual childhood dream or i take on multiple minimum wage jobs and just hope for the best or make it as far as i can before i give up i want to say i really hate myself for dropping out so much and barely being able to function so many times but sometimes it feels unfair to my own self since it’s mostly depression/anxiety and not having any resources or help. or i get fucked over on something that’s really important to my own mental health and sense of safety. like UWGB: 0 access to counseling or therapy resources until after the allowed drop-out date. Also there, i got singled out and mocked by a professor and i basically started to cry. Also there, i had a class that ended at midnight and had to walk across an unfamiliar campus at night to try and find my dorm and usually was up walking and looking for it until 2AM while being terrified and paranoid the entire time. Also there, dorms weren’t heated or had A/C so i kept overheating in my room and could barely sleep, and nearly collapsed three or four times. then UCD: request a single room for myself or with 1 other roommate, was uncomfortable with the idea of roommates mostly because of me having transgender feelings and the inability to process them properly. i also just like my space and i get worn down and break down when just dealing with too much all the time. instead i was promised a 2 person max room and got the two person max room but with 4 other people (including me there were 6 of us living in a one bedroom... room). i couldnt sleep b/c roommates wouldn’t sleep (they basically drank and yelled all night, or they’d get high at 3AM and 5AM). one of them touched me a lot and got into my space a lot and it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. i never felt like i had any space and just felt overwhelmed the entire time and got told to fuck off by the housing people multiple times while eating cold tortillas with cold cheese that was melted over it at one point for their lunches/dinners b/c apparently that’s what the meal plan was. i got pretty sick there a couple times. the coffee place basically never gave me soy milk which i kind of need b/c otherwise i might throw up or have incredibly painful stomach pains. i nearly passed out in a class because it was so bad and i started crying at my desk which was when the professor told me to leave b/c it looked like i had the flu. so i stopped drinking coffee there, which made me feel like shit in the morning and completely unaware of everything (almost got hit by two cars trying to get to my 6AM class that was a mile walk away from the dorm, since it was clear across and off the campus). and then from there i became extremely suicidal and told my counselor that every time i stood in front of the train tracks that early up, i considered stepping in front of the train passing through and almost did it once (someone behind me tugged me back b/c they thought i was in the process of tripping). but i got basically no sleep there, most of my memories are really messy and hazy and i barely register what happened a lot of the time b/c i just legitimately couldn’t process things at the time. i went a week where i didnt eat anything and probably got 4 hours of sleep those entire 7 days. all i really remember is feeling dizzy and lightheaded all the time and really hating sunny days because it hurt my eyes and i’d get bad headaches. well and my counselor giving me six dollars to go to the mcdonalds downstairs b/c she wanted me to eat something then online stuff is just... everything is put in gods knows where, the textbooks crash, the website sometimes won’t work, the assignments are put up randomly without notice, everything is a 3,000 word commitment from just the discussions to the papers and it’s jsut overwhelming and tbh a lot of the time i feel unsure if i can even keep up or do it all. and i know if i pass it all then i can go to UC Boulder and hope i have a better experience than the other two universities, or it’s just as bad and i suffer through it until i have a degree so i can actually have a career that lets me actually live. or i fail it all and die in my mid twenties probably.