should i just make a rambling post about all my thoughts about nonetheless. maybe i should

An angel that protects me and possesses me to be better, gracious, careful, conscientious, and observant. An angel that has possessed me and only goes dormant when i myself am doing well. 

Like i am the alien and she is the angel and i feel like a ghost because i am a primarily metaphysical human, explaining the dissociation which is also explained by my trauma which also logically explains all this shit

“Logic” to me is just the thought process i assume humans to have. I am smart so i picked up on it and i can have an average conversation while hiding that im simultaneously watching their soul crawl out of their throat and wiggle at me. I can be very analytical by their standards and say yes this resulted from trauma, yes it is delusional. But as humans could never fully grasp what experience, they will have to receive a less honest version of myself. I do not entirely believe that i am delusional, but i have this existential dread that causes me to worry if i really am just mistaken, if im just uniquely fucked in the head and im kidding myself

I dont think im necessarily very smart, but i know that im smarter than i think i am by the observations ive made since i was a child and by people telling me so. But i think people are just surprised by the way i can understand things. I cant articulate myself properly, and ive never actually been outstanding in school, maybe sometimes one among many with decent grades but never excelling to the point that people seem to want me to believe i am. Maybe it is pity, maybe it is self righteousness. I dont understand the point of telling someone something that isnt true, and still i get the urge to do somyself

Maybe human life isnt about what is true or real or and maybe whether or not something is “supposed” to happen makes  no difference at all, because who is to say what is supposed to be? The government? The church? My parents? All of these people i vehemently disrespect and distrust? That is who we count on?

Part of me believes that when i die, nothing else will happen and i will be dead forever. There are many things that bring me to question this idea, like our apparent loneliness in this universe, the unmistakable call of beings from beyond this realm… i sometimes get to questioning everything this way. Like, if me being forced to take meds makes me simultaneously sick/unmoving and horribly depressed and the only “good” effect is a lack of “hallucinations and delusions” - you know, what am i supposed to make of that? If i have the capability to be perfectly happy off of medication?

And i saw something i resonated with today. The whole treat the symptom and not the disorder thing. Or the so called disorder. I feel like having my diagnoses lifted off of my shoulders would change the world for me. So often i pretend i was never diagnosed. Pretending i was never diagnosed and that everything i feel is normal has been a great comfort to me. I occasionally indulge because if i show too much denial they throw me in a fucking loony bin. It sounds dystopian when i put it this way

Okay, so what? I dont understand why its so important to label me with a sickness, why the sickness is more important than the fact that i am legitimately audibly communicating with spirits and interdimensional creatures (one in the same on some level) and why is it so hard to believe when psychic shops line the streets of urban areas and suburban areas alike, when its so common in history to have mediums, psychics, ghost stories, alien abductions, etc. of course these things are hard to believe for people who cannot experience them, but certainly im not alone. I could google a zillion anecdotes about the exact things that get me put on brain atrophying sedatives. Angel encounters and possessions, alien abductions and spiritual connections with aliens, being undead as a human spiritually, ghost encounters. Almost everyone you meet has a ghost encounter. Why am i different? Im hardly even fixated on it. Im not really different than these people. 

Sure the dissociation/ptsd and mood swings are a problem but imstarting to have a hard time understanding why any of my other diagnoses are relevant.

hey, i have a sister who struggles with addiction. she moved out from our parents to my place when she turned 18, so that she could have some space and that her highs and lows wouldnt affect our younger siblings that much. but shes been going through a hard time for quite long now, which causes her to treat us around her like complete shit. her behaviour led into a pretty bad argument, which led to me driving her to our parents in the middle of the night cause i couldnt mentally or physically handle the shit she was giving me anymore. after that night, she never returned to mine and told our parents to pick her stuff and move it into a new apartment that she got for herself (which locates in the same building as her friends who she uses substances with). she hasnt reached out to me at all, even though we have been around each other and i cant bare to approach her either, cause im still upset and hurt. my mom said that shes already prepared to lose her. i heard from her friends that shes told them that if she goes unconscious, theyre not allowed to call the ambulance or try to help her. i am worried sick to my stomach everytime i think about her and i feel so powerless. my parents just say that theres nothing more we can do, she goes to psychotherapy and shes under the social services but still i feel like we should do something more to help her or to stop her from destroying herself. im so sorry if this message makes you feel uncomfortable, but since ive followed you for quite awhile and i know your experiences with these things, i would appreciate if you could help me with this situation or at least try to give me some advice, how to cope with these feelings that come from loving your sister that struggles. i dont want to lose her.

hey, i am so sorry to hear this. there's a lot i could say and a lot i want to say but can't really articulate. i don't think there's any one size fits all advice for such a complex and heartbreaking situation. i guess i'll begin with what i'm sure of, and that is that your boundaries and feelings are justified. addiction literally rewires your brain and perception of the world beyond recognition, to the point where the only thing the person cares about is their vice. it's just total tunnel vision, selfishness denial and violence on top of selfishness denial and violence. being around ppl like that, especially a loved one, is beyond exhausting, it's its own special kind of hell. like screaming at a brick wall. it's totally understandable that you had to take a step back after falling victim to her erratic, manipulative and abusive behaviour. the drug use explains it but it absolutely does not excuse it. you're really brave for putting your foot down and prioritizing your own mental stability when it all got to be too much. know you never have to regret that. having said that, it's possible for two conflicting feelings to coexist and for them both to be (for lack of a better word) valid. she's your sister - of course you're worried, of course you're terrified for her. of course you love her even while feeling like you hate her, at times. it's alright to let your emotions be illogical, to just weather the storm and let them pass through you. write it down, talk to your loved ones, maybe consider speaking to a therapist or hotline over it. it's perfectly normal to need that support and talking through your circumstances may be illuminating/lead to some personal revelations regarding how you want to approach this. ultimately, you're angry because you care. after a while i was like that too, with my sister. although i tried to let her know that i was more worried than frustrated during our conversations, sometimes i still couldn't help the internal rage. all because i wanted her to wake up to reality and for her to be okay - i didn't get her thought process at all, didn't get her version of the world. and i felt so fucking powerless because she just strayed so quickly from her path, despite what she was telling me, despite her being relatively fine mere months prior. despite us being best friends and on good terms. it's a headfuck, and you don't have to know what to do, you don't have to have anything figured out. just try to focus on what you need, today.

the hardest thing to accept is the fundamental truth of the situation, and that is that you can't fix this for her. can't love her out of it, can't enable her out of it, can't fight her out of it. all you can do is be there for her emotionally while still maintaining the appropriate boundaries necessary to preserve ur own mental wellbeing. it's completely okay if you need more time - i know you said you cant bear to reach out to her at the moment, which makes total sense. but since you sent this message and i can still see that you're beyond concerned and it's only getting worse, maybe you could consider calling her or sending her a text or meeting her for coffee when you're ready. just to let her know you haven't stopped thinking of her. and that you care about her so much, that when/if she's ready to get help you will be with her every step of the way. even if shes battling addiction for the rest of her life. if she screams at you, if she breaks down, if she ignores you for what you say - fine. but at least she'll know on some level that she is not alone, and at least you'll know you did what you could with what was in your control. also about her being under social services - is there any way you could get in touch with them, maybe explain that youre still worried about her and that you think she needs a higher level of care, maybe ask them if theres anything proactive you can do in collaboration with them to maximize the help shes getting? i dont know how it works where you are, that might be a no go, but i just thought i'd mention it. i'm sorry, i know it's a disappointing answer, but i really don't realistically think there's any other. there's only so much of this that is in your hands and so far it sounds like you've done and are doing everything possible to stay sane while looking out for her. i really really hope something clicks for her and that she starts to listen to you and her loved ones soon, that she begins to approach recovery out of the genuine need to get better. but it really does have to come from within her, all you can do is encourage it. im sending you both so much love. i know more than anyone how fucking stressful it is to have to wake up to this every day, and i'm so sorry. if you need someone to talk to, my inbox will always be open. you deserve peace in your own life, too. take care x

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