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#it's more distant but for some reason it's. easier to conceptualize uh
lucyvaleheart
·
3 months
Text
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#so first of all I'm fine.
#second of all I don't know if that's a lie or not but like. by some stretch it's gotta be true
#so it doesn't count as a lie to my code of honor.
#anyway. I keep fucking losing it y'all
#I.... even now on depression medication I'm still breaking down what feels like fucking daily
#it's just in different ways
#crying harder than I have in a while and feeling more panicked about than like I'm releasing emotion
#it's more distant but for some reason it's. easier to conceptualize uh
#....tw here for like self harm and suicidal thoughts don't read the rest of these if you don't wanna see that
#some reason it's easier to conceptualize the idea of. cutting myself? it never felt like a possibility before
#id think about it and know I'd never do it. but. now....
#.....i can't help but find myself wondering if it *would* feel good. to hurt. to see my own blood
#........there are so many people who's lives I've touched that would be saddened if I were gone but
#it's.....harder to use that to ground myself. to pull myself away from the thoughts of just......
#..........stopping
#ending everything. i dunno. fuck.
#....a few weeks ago I found myself wanting to roll out of the moving car and could feel myself able to
#reach for the seatbelt buckle and the door handle
#........im not okay and honestly I don't know if I care
#sometimes I do but when I feel like this it feels impossible TO care
#it feels so distant. i feel so distant. I feel so nothing and so bad at the same time
#i feel so fucking ugly
#so much self hatred rearing it's head where I thought I'd gotten past it
#i have a therapy appointment at the end of March and I'm not sure if that's soon enough.
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