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#it's bad enough that i have a few cringey fics on ao3 under a pseudonym
sob-dylan
·
5 months
Text
realistically i'm probably only happy with 30% of the dribble that comes out of my mouth.
#these past couple days i've been meditating a lot on the role of embarrassment in my life
#and it is outsized to say the least
#to say the most i spent all of yesterday in bed practically comatose enumerating all of the little faux pas i had committed the day before
#and basically came to the conclusion that any of the self-confidence i had gained in the past year was just delusion
#and that i simply didn't socialize enough in my adolescence to develop a normal personality suited for strong personal connections
#plus i told myself that i'd take a break from my thesis between christmas and new years
#but now that it's january i can't bring myself to write anything that could potentially be published
#it's a lose lose situation
#because if i try to get my research published and it's rejected by all the journals then i'll just use that as insecurity fodder
#but if god willing i do get it published then i have to contend with the fact that my words and my ideas are just out there written in ston
#for anyone to read
#with my full name attached
#it's bad enough that i have a few cringey fics on ao3 under a pseudonym
#but to write something that will at the very least live on in my school's library under my name in perpetuity is a nightmare
#anyways my therapist is back from his vacation this week so i'll be fine in a few days
#i know all of these negative thoughts are bullshit and i just have to let them pass
#the new year just hit me like a mack truck
#personal
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