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#it's a birthright i can't give to a younger sibling. it doesn't transfer.
lilaccatholic
·
5 months
Text
how do i do it though. how do i let go of the bitterness and the hardness when they kept me "okay" for so long? does it come when i finally leave? can it ever?
#babes i actually relate to the frigid angry woman more than im comfortable with but this time there's no prince coming to save her and idk
#i was never beautiful but i was and am angry and capable and that's served me well but being angry is exhausting
#it's a birthright i can't give to a younger sibling. it doesn't transfer.
#i dont inspire devotion. there's no version of this that ends with me waltzing with a true love.
#im not the type you launch a thousand ships for.
#so what's left?
#who am i when i have no one? when ive spent my life making *me* less to make others more? when im nothing but a useful piece of furniture.
#i know God loves me! i love Him! but it's not the same. i want *people* to love me. i want to be someone that theyd fight for.
#im feeling that 'women have minds and hearts but im so lonely' scene from little women 2019 so much right now.
#except im not jo. my family loves me but theyd never do for me what jo's would do for her. theyre also all focused on surviving.
#i feel like a military ration. there to be consumed but cast aside the moment something more palatable comes around.
#how do i become consumed with joy? how do i let go of the cynicism? its all thats kept me safe! but its choking me too.
#its like tony stark in iron man 2. the thing thats kept me alive this far is killing me. i need to find an alternative but its looking like
#ill have to synthesize a new element to make it happen and that freaks me out.
#ive always been derivative. never an individual. how do i become a trailblazer when my job was always to hold the hand of the one blazing
#the trail? how do i become myself happy and free?
#because i WANT to be more
#i WANT to be more than anger and coldness and a useful idiot. i WANT to be me and be so so happy
#but i dont know how to get there
#and if someone suggests therapy im shooting you. i dont want to listen to one more person pretend to care about me and tell me
#all the things i need to change and spend even longer not learning how to think for myself
#i want to be more than this. but i also cant stand the thought of taking up any more space than i do
#anyway.
#anyone who's read all this thank you and i promise im fine im just in my feelings today lol
#im going to work out and get some happy brain chemicals flowing and then ill take a shower and itll all be good.
#please dont worry about me! im just having A Moment TM
#lilac rambles
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