#it’s beautiful pathetic self aware earnest and real
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The Angel’s Share, chp. 13
Find past chapters here
Written with the incomparable @hopelessromanticspoonie
Kate had obviously lost her only remaining marble.
What made her think that putting on her finest little black dress and swiping some mascara onto her dark eyelashes would be all she needed to fit in with Thomas’ crowd? Every bit of her wanted to tear off the soft, clingy dress, throw on her most comfortable set of pyjamas and veg out in front of the telly.
The buzz of her doorbell jolted her from her spiraling train of thought and she hissed after poking herself in the side of her neck with the stud of her earrings. “Fuck. Coming!”
She should have cleaned up before he arrived, Kate thought as she glanced around the cramped living area of her one bedroom flat. It wasn’t messy, no, but the small space appeared pretty cluttered when full to the brim with overloaded bookshelves and mismatched furniture. Glaring daggers at the dirtied mug and bowl from her quick lunch, she was all too aware of how drastically their living situations differed.
His chocolate-dipped voice easily made it through her thin front door when raised in concern. “Kate?”
No time to do a last minute tidy up. She yanked open her front door and her jaw dropped at the absolutely delicious sight of Thomas in a razor sharp black suit and tie. His head lifted from where he had been staring at the grubby concrete entryway and it felt so cliche, but her heart stopped at the soft, awestruck shine in his fine blue eyes.
“You look..” he appeared to struggle for the proper descriptor as he closed the distance between them to press a soft kiss to the crown of her carefully curled hair.
The nerves nagging her endlessly lessened some at the press of his large hands over her upper arms and the familiar wash of his spicy, citrusy cologne. “Way too hot to be your date, I know. I need to get my shoes and then I’ll be ready. Okay?”
“I will await you with bated breath.”
He tossed out such romantic nonsense like that with such earnest ease that she had no choice but to take him seriously. Her hand squeezed his quickly before she rushed back to her bedroom to slip on her nicest black flats and tuck her cellphone into her only nice clutch (thankfully also black).
“Who is Edmund Evans?”
The only slightly anxious smile fell from her face as she left the bedroom to see Thomas holding a folded up letter with a ring of condensation wrinkling the paper. Dread hung low in her stomach and she swallowed. “My sperm donor. Where did you find that?”
His eyes tightened with that feral fury she had glimpsed in the distillery. “I did not want this foul piece of filth ruining the coffee mug I found atop it. Does he say such awful things to you in each month’s letter?”
“I don’t typically read them,” she admitted, her eyes focusing on the clench of his hands as he crushed the paper in his grip. “But when I used to, he did, yeah.”
The low growl of his voice rumbled through her to clench low in her belly. “I would very much like to acquaint him with my fist.”
“He means nothing. Come on, GQ, let’s go drink some free whiskey and pretend that we actually care about some uptight blowhards.”
“Well. When you put it so nicely.”
*****
Anxiety gripped her after the door to his sleek, black car closed behind them with a wink from Andy. Her hand tightened in the crook of Thomas’ arm as they joined the swell of socialites smiling too brightly in sky high heels, men leering at them down the line of their upturned noses.
Kate didn’t belong here. It was too much. What if Derrick was here? He would pick her out amongst his manicured ranks right away. Thomas would see that she wasn’t good enough for him or his lifestyle and toss her on her shapely ass, leaving her heart in tatters before the shined soles of his slick shoes.
“Breathe, Kate.” His head dipped down low to whisper the words against the shell of her ear. “It is they who are unworthy of you. Now how about a bit of liquid courage?”
It was much easier to play the part of soulless arm candy with the warmth of fine whiskey buzzing beneath her skin. She slipped into the familiar role of smiles, meaningless platitudes, and forced laughter as if she had never left. Thomas was as charming as ever, chatting up businessmen with pound signs in their eyes upon the exchange of business cards and handshakes.
“Allow me to refresh your beverage, sir. Excuse me one moment.”
She watched Thomas walk away with only a slight amount of hesitation before shifting her attention back to the distribution magnate across from her. Holding the glass against her lips with soft music playing beneath the din, her stomach filled with finicky finger foods and smokey liquor, catching the hint of Thomas’ cologne lingering against her skin from his parting kiss to her cheek, she was almost able to enjoy herself. When the conversation shifted to the dashing man currently bellying up to the bar, her forced grin gained a hint of sincerity.
“He is a fine young man and a driven businessman.”
Kate nodded automatically and did a quick, cursory sweep around the wood-paneled lounge. She recognized no one, and it appeared as if everyone who was anyone had arrived for the high-brow event. Affection slipped honey into her words and pulled her rouged lips into a true smile, “He is indeed. As a bar mana-”
“Is he alright?”
The concern in her companion’s tone jerked her gaze over to the bar where Thomas stood ramrod straight, glaring daggers at a man currently invisible to her for the thickness of the crowd. Even from such a distance she could easily pick out the tension pulling his shoulders back. Shit.
“Excuse me.”
She pushed her way through the crowd, uncaring if the whiskey clutched in her white-knuckled hand spilled for the unease rabbiting her heartbeat in her throat. Whatever had happened, they needed to shut it down immediately. She recognized the beginnings of a fight when she saw one, and this was not the time nor the place for it. Too much was on the line for Crimson Peak.
“Thomas, what are you-”
Her worried words died in her throat as she stepped up to his side and lighted a hand upon the tight muscles of his back. The ghost that had haunted her for the entirety of her life, staring back at her from newspapers and tabloids alike, scowled at her in the ruddy, pock-mocked flesh.
She hardly noticed her hand losing its hold on her tumbler, or the sound of shattering of glass as whiskey splashed against her bare legs. “Dad?”
****
Thomas glanced from the jumped-up toff before him to Kate, her face pale and drawn. So this old coot was his precious Kate’s father. Or, sperm donor, as she had so eloquently put it.
Edmund Evans might have been a dapper looking man in his youth, but he’d run to fat now, too much indulgence having bloated his waistline and given him sallow, overfed skin and jowls.
The older man had approached him to talk about Crimson Peak, and Thomas had been chatting away politely until the toff introduced himself. Evans had offered his hand, and Thomas had looked at it, and said “I’d rather not.”
That’s when Kate had arrived.
She looked a vision tonight. Easily worth twenty of these over-coiffed socialite girls. Kate was upfront and honest and real, and in some ways he wished he’d met her before, but perhaps his younger self wouldn’t have been worthy of her.
“Something wrong?” Evans asked, his lips slightly stained with red wine. Then he turned, having belatedly heard his daughter.
Kate looked at Thomas, stricken, and her eyes said no, no, don’t, but Kate had spent her entire life being cast aside as if she didn’t matter, and if Thomas had anything to say about it, it ended here.
“Katherine. What are you doing here?” Evans asked, as if she was a waiter rather than a guest.
“She’s here with me.” Thomas beckoned Kate over, but she stood stock still, a deer in headlights. He’d never seen her so…. cowed, and the shock of it made his anger burn even brighter, lighting a furious fire in his heart. “She is here as my guest, and as such you may not speak to her unless she gives her express permission, are we clear?”
Evans looked from Thomas to his daughter, surprise flickering over his jowly face. “Snagged a rich one here, haven’t you, Katherine? Your mother would be so very proud.”
Kate’s mouth fell open, her face rosy with embarrassment.
Thomas advanced on Evans, looking down his nose at the shorter man, making his expression as icy cold as possible. The rest of the people at the event dropped away, and Thomas’ world narrowed to his desire to give Kate justice.
"Do you have the faintest idea of the brilliant, bright, self-sufficient woman you're missing out on, Evans? Do you? How strong and capable and smart and beautiful she is? I hope you know she neither needs nor wants you in her life, you charlatan."
Kate’s father smirked. “Oh yes, she’s got your wrapped around her little finger, all right. Actually, not so little, by the looks of it. You feeding her as part of the deal?” He shook his head, amused. “Just a whore like her mother, using you for your-”
In the next heartbeat he was on the ground, flat out.
Thomas swore at the pain ripping through his hand, but the sting and soreness was worth it to have flattened the bastard’s nose.
Evans lay on the floor, writhing pathetically, moaning. A few people looked in curiously, but at Thomas’ stone cold glare, no one intervened.
After a second, Thomas knelt on the floor, got right up in the toff’s face. “If you ever write to Kate again, if you ever contact her, I will make you sorry you ever accepted tonight’s invitation, and I will not even have to lift a finger to do it, understand? I will eviscerate you in society. I will ensure that copies of the drivel you write to her are published all over London.”
Evans took a shaky breath intending to speak, but Thomas wasn’t done.
“From now on, if you arrive at an event and you see Kate there, you turn around and leave. Are. We. Clear?”
Evans clutched his nose and nodded weakly, blood leaking from between his thick fingers.
Thomas stood up, dusting off his trousers as if brushing away unpleasantness. He rounded Evans’ body and offered his arm to Kate. “Shall we, my dear?”
Kate closed her mouth, and blinked a few times, recovering. “Wow. You have a mean right hook, GQ.”
He opened his hand and flexed his fingers. “I’ve actually never punched anyone before. It’s…. rather painful.”
Kate lifted his sore hand and brushed her lips over his bruised knuckles. “Let’s get you some ice for that hand. C’mon, sweetheart.”
Thomas’ mood lifted even more as she led him to the bathrooms. “You called me sweetheart.”
A smile curved her lips, so kissable, and he couldn’t resist just dipping his head for a moment, and tasting the honeyed whiskey on her mouth.
Her hand tucked into his elbow and squeezed, as she said cheekily, “Haven’t we established that I don’t hate you?”
Tagging (series): @rjohnson1280 @alexakeyloveloki @villainousshakespeare @wolfsmom1 @arch-venus25 @tamstrugglestowrite @trickstersteve @lucantis @exygon @kneel-before-queen-loki @lots-of-loki
Polkadotkitty’s taglist: @myoxisbroken @palaiasaurus64 @littlemissthistle @mary-ann84 @pinkzsugar @peakygroupie @just-the-hiddles @lovesmesomehiddles @vodka-and-some-sass
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@otumbalt
The message you sent was fanmail, I think! And as such, I couldn’t reply directly (tumblr confuses me sometimes and I couldn’t find a reply button. If y’all know better pls do let me know if I need to put my clown shoes on LMAO). Thank you for the kind words though!! I really appreciate it, and I’m looking forward to more complexity from Cybird, too!
That being said, I did want to touch on something you said because I’m still drowning in my feels and languishing. “the push and pull between comte’s rationality and his desire to love and be loved was something that I really enjoyed from his route” you. you get it. There’s nothing I love more than a man that’s self-aware, and it’s such a rare treat when it comes to fiction, at least in my experience.
Some spoilers for his MS beneath the cut to explain why this resonated so deeply with me, so no touchy if you’re waiting to read on your own! c:
Because that’s exactly it. At first he is 100% just trying to help her get situated. He’s being rational. Sure, he’s excited to have a guest--he likes meeting new people in general, learning what he can from them (can you feel my uwus). But it’s only when she debuts that he begins to realize that this isn’t just enjoying her company. He finds her dazzling, far beyond what constitutes friendly curiosity. If that sounds too convenient, I can confirm that he takes her to the venue of her debut, dressed in clothes he picked out (which he emphasizes is something that greatly pleases him, looks wonderful on her). And he begins to wonder if this is what it feels like to have a daughter, to look on with earnest fondness and want only the best for her.
But the sugar daddy act ends REAL quick.
There is an attending nobleman that comments on how lovely she is, insinuates a kind of desire to know if she’s single or not with his attraction. And he suddenly becomes quite incensed by that comment, feels genuine irritation. Combined with that is the moment in which MC becomes a little nervous, says that she’s unsure if she’s really worthy of this kind of attention. Comte, in his POV story, is shocked to hear that she’s anxious. She powered through lessons on decorum and dancing, never once complained about his days-long fussing. And he realizes that it’s not because she didn’t feel any discomfort, but because she chose to be strong--chose to keep trying. This is the moment in which he realizes that he cares for her deeply, and that she doesn’t see herself clearly. She’s beautiful in the conventional sense, absolutely--but it’s more than that for him. She’s beautiful because she’s always doing her best, always cares about the people around her enough to try to power through. And that’s what the people around her were truly responding to. Anybody can get dolled up, but to be admired or loved usually requires more substance.
And so he tells her that, caught in the moment of realization. “You’re beautiful...” And she replies that it’s all thanks to the attire he got her, the jewelry gleaming from every part of her. But he falters--tries to clarify, before the opportunity is lost and dies in his throat.
That was only the first step in his long and exponential descent into love for her. The thing that’s so moving about Comte is that he tries so very hard to contextualize with the knowledge he has. Remember, he keeps telling himself, she’s from the future. She has a place to return to. No matter how curious, no matter how attracted, he was never meant to enter that picture. They were two of a very different kind, irreconcilable in that regard too. Tainting her with his selfishness, with that desire for companionship that’s always been such a difficult obstacle for him, isn’t her responsibility. It’s his. He needed to put her first. And he had every intention to.
Until she saw the wavering parts of him, the fragile ones that only come out in glances--beyond his control, beyond his good sense. And she handled his worries with such care, such compassion that it strikes him to the very core. There’s a good number of chapters where he’s trying and utterly failing to stop her from doting on him, falls into her little gestures of kindness, of attention.
It takes Leonardo to stop and say that his attempts are pathetic. That it couldn’t be clearer that le Comte is hopelessly in love with her. His indictment forces Comte to backtrack, forces him to try and cut her off entirely. He’s mortified at himself, at his failing self-control. Four hundred years and he can’t manage to stop instigating feelings between himself and one woman in the space of one month? And more than anything, he truly is under the operating assumption that this is in her best interest; that he must stop if this if it is to end in anything other than tragedy. For him, it the ultimate culmination of his own failure to take responsibility, exercise foresight, and consider her feelings.
Needless to say, none of this goes to plan in the end.
Now, I’d like to clarify something. MC, this whole time, doesn’t really find any fault with all of that. She thinks it’s nice to see him let down his guard, doesn’t mind comforting him when he confides in her now and again. She just sees the man that chose to care about her first, and fell in love with his conscientious concern for people. She doesn’t see his vulnerability as a shortcoming, the way that he does. And that’s where the tension arises. Because Comte is literally staring at his hands internally screaming at himself, while MC is like “you know if we made out, that would be awesome. Can’t believe I might become the foster mom to nine weird genius vampires, but you never know what life brings amirite”
In that way, the route is almost funny, but mostly sad, in how ridiculously inaccurate Comte’s self-perception is. He thinks that asking for help, asking to be cared for, is fundamentally a breach of conduct. Not just...being a person that needs support from time to time?? (He does me a big concern ;-;)
Regardless, and maybe it’s just me, but there’s just something so moving about seeing him so affected? He truly does everything in his power to prove that he is unworthy, does everything in his power to believe that he’s unworthy. But MC won’t be swayed, no matter how scary or difficult things get--no matter how great the gulf of time or life is between them. No matter how many times being with him might result in her being threatened, she doesn’t care. Sure it’s scary, but she doesn’t deem it enough to divide them. She tried to distance herself “for own good” too, following his lead, and it just didn’t work for either of them.
Would you all like to know what it is that gets him to finally acquiesce? What it is that makes him raise the white flag, any defensiveness gone, only endless love and trust taking its place? The second where his desire to love and be loved wins out, all rationality scrapped?
They discuss the events of Vlad’s abduction, and Comte levels with her. Says that if what happened is enough to destroy whatever attraction for him that she had felt, he wouldn’t judge her. She was still more than free to go home, to live her life. When she protests, he pulls his trump card. He gets very serious, looks her in the eye, and asks what she thinks about turning. If he were to pose the question, what would be her response?
And MC, bless her heart, says that she hasn’t decided, because that is something for them to decide together. She certainly won’t force him to do it, but she wants to know what he feels about it before coming to any kind of concrete decision--or even temporary one. Because that’s the whole point. That’s what it means to be in love with someone. It means having someone by your side, someone that’s there to listen and put you first--just as they should be putting you first, too. It means that any course of action is made hand-in-hand, that we check in with each other first; that we hear and help each other out, no matter how confused or paralyzed or exhausted. That’s what makes Comte start laughing with relieved delight, any hesitations gone. That’s when their relationship is solidified, when Comte chooses to devote himself--no matter what hardships the future brings--to her. Because for the first time in his life, he knows he will never have to carry anything all alone anymore, and he is at ease.
In short, thanks Cybird I’m sobbing now and forever for one gold pixelated man pls don’t look at me
#rambles#ikevamp#ikevamp comte#ikevamp spoilers#comte propaganda#ik i need to stop but i physically and emotionally can't#i love him so much#every single day i cry comte where r u#like if cybird d i d n t want me to scream then they shouldnt have made him so ungodly irresistible#s m f h#anyhoot tysm @otumbalt for helping me further organized my love-scattered thoughts for comte#and your message was so sweet!!!!#you're always welcome here c:#and thanks to everyone that's been so supportive of my comte love yall make cry ;-;#i hope yall continue to enjoy my nonsensing
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10 Famous People with Depression, Bipolar Disorder or Both
Whenever I hit a depression rut, where I feel disabled by the illness and therefore pathetic for being brought to my knees by a bunch of thoughts, it helps me to review celebrities — esteemed politicians, actors, musicians, comedians, astronauts, writers, and athletes — that I admire from both the past and present who have also wrestled the demons of depression and bipolar disorder. I feel less alone knowing that this infuriating condition doesn’t discriminate, and that I’m fighting alongside some of the world’s most talented and accomplished people.
Here are a few of the luminaries that have, over the course of their lives, shed some of the stigma of mental illness with their stories and who serve as inspiring role models for those of us in the trenches.
1. Ashley Judd
While visiting her sister, country singer Wynonna Judd, at a treatment center in 2006, counselors suggested that the actress and political activist check herself in, too. So Ashley Judd did just that and spent 47 days in a Texas treatment facility for depression and emotional problems. In a Today interview, she told Matt Lauer:
I was absolutely certifiably crazy, and now I get to have a solution. And for those who are codependent or suffer from depression, there is a solution.
In her memoir, All That Is Bitter and Sweet, Judd describes the abuse and neglect in her turbulent upbringing that led, in part, to her emotional pain and breakdown — and also the hope she feels by focusing on humanitarian work around the world.
2. Catherine Zeta-Jones
Academy Award winning actress Catherine Zeta-Jones never wanted to become a poster child for bipolar II disorder after she went public with her illness in April 2011, but she has nevertheless become a beautiful face behind the disorder. I, for one, am relieved the world can make a connection between one of the most talented and glamorous movie stars and a misunderstood illness.
I found it especially reassuring when she checked into a 30-day program in April 2013 to treat her disorder. The fact that a star can give herself permission to withdraw from the world in order to heal helps me feel less shame when I have to take a time-out for self-care myself.
3. Abraham Lincoln
Award-winning author Joshua Wolf Shenk did a masterful job of exposing the inner demons of the 16th president of the United States in his book Lincoln’s Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness. I go back and read certain chapters whenever I need to be reminded that this curse can render gifts if we have the strength and perseverance to tame it, as Lincoln did. Shenk writes:
With Lincoln we have a man whose depression spurred him, painfully, to examine the core of his soul; whose hard work to stay alive helped him develop crucial skills and capacities, even as his depression lingered hauntingly; and whose inimitable character took great strength from the piercing insights of depression, the creative responses to it, and a spirit of humble determination forged over decades of deep suffering and earnest longing.
4. J.K. Rowling
When the author of the runaway bestselling Harry Potter series was a struggling writer in her twenties — a single mother and newly divorced — she suffered from severe depression and contemplated suicide. She sought help through cognitive behavioral therapy, and after nine months, the suicidal thoughts disappeared.
“I have never been remotely ashamed of having been depressed,” she said in an interview on Suicide.org. “Never. What’s there to be ashamed of? I went through a really tough time and I am quite proud that I got out of that.” Today she doesn’t hesitate to talk about her depression in order to fight the stigma associated with mental illness.
5. Jared Padalecki
Supernatural star Jared Padalecki openly talks about his struggles with depression and feels so passionately about supporting people battling emotional demons that he initiated Always Keep Fighting, his T-shirt campaign through Represent.com to benefit the nonprofit organization To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA), which supports people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide.
During filming of the third season of Supernatural, Padalecki broke down in his trailer after shooting an episode. A doctor soon diagnosed him with clinical depression; he was 25 at the time. Padalecki recently told Variety:
I, for a long time, have been passionate about people dealing with mental illness and struggling with depression, or addiction, or having suicidal thoughts and, strangely enough, it’s almost like the life I live as well. These characters that we play on Supernatural, Sam and Dean, are always dealing with something greater than themselves, and I’ve sort of learned from the two of them that they get through it with each other, and with help and with support.
6. Brooke Shields
Brooke Shields had just released her book Down Came the Rain in 2005 about her bout with postpartum depression when I plunged into a severe depression and was hospitalized. A friend sent the book to me, and I’ll always remember the relief I felt when I read the back cover copy — feeling as though this actress-model was giving me permission to feel the pain: “Sitting on my bed, I let out a deep, slow, guttural wail,” she writes. “I wasn’t simply emotional or weepy … This was something quite different. This was sadness of a shockingly different magnitude. It felt as if it would never go away.”
She also wrote a brave op-ed piece for The New York Times following Tom Cruise’s infamous rant with Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today about psychiatry, lambasting Shields and others for taking antidepressants. “Once we admit that postpartum is a serious medical condition,” she writes, “then the treatment becomes more available and socially acceptable. With a doctor’s care, I have since tapered off the medication, but without it, I wouldn’t have become the loving parent I am today.”
7. Winston Churchill
British Prime Minister Winston Churchill referred to his depression as his “black dog”: recurrent episodes of darkness that permeated his life, influencing his career and political leadership. Some people surmise that it was Churchill’s depression that ultimately allowed him to assess the threat of Germany. British psychiatrist Anthony Storr writes:
Only a man who knew what it was to discern a gleam of hope in a hopeless situation, whose courage was beyond reason and whose aggressive spirit burned at its fiercest when he was hemmed in and surrounded by enemies, could have given emotional reality to the words of defiance which rallied and sustained us in the menacing summer of 1940.
He was born into a family of mental illness, and his daughter Diana committed suicide in 1962. Still, he managed to lead the United Kingdom as prime minister from 1940 to 1945 and again from 1951 to 1955, to thrive as a writer and historian, winning the Nobel Prize in Literature, and to be the first person to be made an honorary citizen of the United States.
8. Art Buchwald
He was one of the most successful newspaper columnists of his time, the recipient of a Pulitzer Prize, and a comic genius. But I appreciated Art Buchwald most as one of the three “Blues Brothers” (with Pulitzer Prize winner William Styron and former 60 Minutes reporter and cohost Mike Wallace), who spoke and wrote publicly about his bouts with depression and bipolar disorder.
Buchwald was hospitalized for clinical depression in 1963 and for manic depression in 1987. He was suicidal both times, and credited prescription drugs, therapy, and the hospital staff for saving his life. Had the nurses not been there to “rock him like a baby” during his harrowing dark night, he said he believed he might not have survived to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
9. Amanda Beard
Amanda Beard seemed to have the perfect life: four Olympic medals by age 18 and a promising modeling career. But in a People interview, she confessed that when she went home, “it was just darkness.” Her self-loathing led to bulimia, cutting herself, and depression. In September 2005, Beard began taking antidepressants and seeing a therapist. “It’s not like I went to therapy and — poof! better,” she said in the interview.
Today she’s off her medication, and she hasn’t cut herself since 2008. I admire that she’s real about the enduring struggle. “Even today I have my issues,” she says, “The key is saying, ‘Let’s enjoy this — life is short.’”
10. Jane Pauley
Jane Pauley, the former host of Today and Dateline NBC, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2001 and wrote about her illness in her 2004 memoir, Skywriting: A Life Out of the Blue. During a leave from the network, she was admitted to a psychiatric clinic and treated, but no one at the time knew about her struggles. Now she is outspoken about living with bipolar disorder and depression and raises awareness about mental illness.
In a 2004 Today interview, Pauley explained that her diagnosis was a shock and a relief. She believes it surfaced due to a combination of antidepressants and steroids she took for a case of hives. About taking lithium, she said to Matt Lauer:
It just is stabilizing. It allows me to be who I am. A mood disorder is dangerous. You’ve got to get those dramatic highs and lows stabilized. It’s dangerous if you don’t.
Join Project Hope & Beyond, the new depression community.
Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.
from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/20/10-famous-people-with-depression-bipolar-disorder-or-both/
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10 Famous People with Depression, Bipolar Disorder or Both
Whenever I hit a depression rut, where I feel disabled by the illness and therefore pathetic for being brought to my knees by a bunch of thoughts, it helps me to review celebrities — esteemed politicians, actors, musicians, comedians, astronauts, writers, and athletes — that I admire from both the past and present who have also wrestled the demons of depression and bipolar disorder. I feel less alone knowing that this infuriating condition doesn’t discriminate, and that I’m fighting alongside some of the world’s most talented and accomplished people.
Here are a few of the luminaries that have, over the course of their lives, shed some of the stigma of mental illness with their stories and who serve as inspiring role models for those of us in the trenches.
1. Ashley Judd
While visiting her sister, country singer Wynonna Judd, at a treatment center in 2006, counselors suggested that the actress and political activist check herself in, too. So Ashley Judd did just that and spent 47 days in a Texas treatment facility for depression and emotional problems. In a Today interview, she told Matt Lauer:
I was absolutely certifiably crazy, and now I get to have a solution. And for those who are codependent or suffer from depression, there is a solution.
In her memoir, All That Is Bitter and Sweet, Judd describes the abuse and neglect in her turbulent upbringing that led, in part, to her emotional pain and breakdown — and also the hope she feels by focusing on humanitarian work around the world.
2. Catherine Zeta-Jones
Academy Award winning actress Catherine Zeta-Jones never wanted to become a poster child for bipolar II disorder after she went public with her illness in April 2011, but she has nevertheless become a beautiful face behind the disorder. I, for one, am relieved the world can make a connection between one of the most talented and glamorous movie stars and a misunderstood illness.
I found it especially reassuring when she checked into a 30-day program in April 2013 to treat her disorder. The fact that a star can give herself permission to withdraw from the world in order to heal helps me feel less shame when I have to take a time-out for self-care myself.
3. Abraham Lincoln
Award-winning author Joshua Wolf Shenk did a masterful job of exposing the inner demons of the 16th president of the United States in his book Lincoln’s Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness. I go back and read certain chapters whenever I need to be reminded that this curse can render gifts if we have the strength and perseverance to tame it, as Lincoln did. Shenk writes:
With Lincoln we have a man whose depression spurred him, painfully, to examine the core of his soul; whose hard work to stay alive helped him develop crucial skills and capacities, even as his depression lingered hauntingly; and whose inimitable character took great strength from the piercing insights of depression, the creative responses to it, and a spirit of humble determination forged over decades of deep suffering and earnest longing.
4. J.K. Rowling
When the author of the runaway bestselling Harry Potter series was a struggling writer in her twenties — a single mother and newly divorced — she suffered from severe depression and contemplated suicide. She sought help through cognitive behavioral therapy, and after nine months, the suicidal thoughts disappeared.
“I have never been remotely ashamed of having been depressed,” she said in an interview on Suicide.org. “Never. What’s there to be ashamed of? I went through a really tough time and I am quite proud that I got out of that.” Today she doesn’t hesitate to talk about her depression in order to fight the stigma associated with mental illness.
5. Jared Padalecki
Supernatural star Jared Padalecki openly talks about his struggles with depression and feels so passionately about supporting people battling emotional demons that he initiated Always Keep Fighting, his T-shirt campaign through Represent.com to benefit the nonprofit organization To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA), which supports people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide.
During filming of the third season of Supernatural, Padalecki broke down in his trailer after shooting an episode. A doctor soon diagnosed him with clinical depression; he was 25 at the time. Padalecki recently told Variety:
I, for a long time, have been passionate about people dealing with mental illness and struggling with depression, or addiction, or having suicidal thoughts and, strangely enough, it’s almost like the life I live as well. These characters that we play on Supernatural, Sam and Dean, are always dealing with something greater than themselves, and I’ve sort of learned from the two of them that they get through it with each other, and with help and with support.
6. Brooke Shields
Brooke Shields had just released her book Down Came the Rain in 2005 about her bout with postpartum depression when I plunged into a severe depression and was hospitalized. A friend sent the book to me, and I’ll always remember the relief I felt when I read the back cover copy — feeling as though this actress-model was giving me permission to feel the pain: “Sitting on my bed, I let out a deep, slow, guttural wail,” she writes. “I wasn’t simply emotional or weepy … This was something quite different. This was sadness of a shockingly different magnitude. It felt as if it would never go away.”
She also wrote a brave op-ed piece for The New York Times following Tom Cruise’s infamous rant with Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today about psychiatry, lambasting Shields and others for taking antidepressants. “Once we admit that postpartum is a serious medical condition,” she writes, “then the treatment becomes more available and socially acceptable. With a doctor’s care, I have since tapered off the medication, but without it, I wouldn’t have become the loving parent I am today.”
7. Winston Churchill
British Prime Minister Winston Churchill referred to his depression as his “black dog”: recurrent episodes of darkness that permeated his life, influencing his career and political leadership. Some people surmise that it was Churchill’s depression that ultimately allowed him to assess the threat of Germany. British psychiatrist Anthony Storr writes:
Only a man who knew what it was to discern a gleam of hope in a hopeless situation, whose courage was beyond reason and whose aggressive spirit burned at its fiercest when he was hemmed in and surrounded by enemies, could have given emotional reality to the words of defiance which rallied and sustained us in the menacing summer of 1940.
He was born into a family of mental illness, and his daughter Diana committed suicide in 1962. Still, he managed to lead the United Kingdom as prime minister from 1940 to 1945 and again from 1951 to 1955, to thrive as a writer and historian, winning the Nobel Prize in Literature, and to be the first person to be made an honorary citizen of the United States.
8. Art Buchwald
He was one of the most successful newspaper columnists of his time, the recipient of a Pulitzer Prize, and a comic genius. But I appreciated Art Buchwald most as one of the three “Blues Brothers” (with Pulitzer Prize winner William Styron and former 60 Minutes reporter and cohost Mike Wallace), who spoke and wrote publicly about his bouts with depression and bipolar disorder.
Buchwald was hospitalized for clinical depression in 1963 and for manic depression in 1987. He was suicidal both times, and credited prescription drugs, therapy, and the hospital staff for saving his life. Had the nurses not been there to “rock him like a baby” during his harrowing dark night, he said he believed he might not have survived to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
9. Amanda Beard
Amanda Beard seemed to have the perfect life: four Olympic medals by age 18 and a promising modeling career. But in a People interview, she confessed that when she went home, “it was just darkness.” Her self-loathing led to bulimia, cutting herself, and depression. In September 2005, Beard began taking antidepressants and seeing a therapist. “It’s not like I went to therapy and — poof! better,” she said in the interview.
Today she’s off her medication, and she hasn’t cut herself since 2008. I admire that she’s real about the enduring struggle. “Even today I have my issues,” she says, “The key is saying, ‘Let’s enjoy this — life is short.’”
10. Jane Pauley
Jane Pauley, the former host of Today and Dateline NBC, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2001 and wrote about her illness in her 2004 memoir, Skywriting: A Life Out of the Blue. During a leave from the network, she was admitted to a psychiatric clinic and treated, but no one at the time knew about her struggles. Now she is outspoken about living with bipolar disorder and depression and raises awareness about mental illness.
In a 2004 Today interview, Pauley explained that her diagnosis was a shock and a relief. She believes it surfaced due to a combination of antidepressants and steroids she took for a case of hives. About taking lithium, she said to Matt Lauer:
It just is stabilizing. It allows me to be who I am. A mood disorder is dangerous. You’ve got to get those dramatic highs and lows stabilized. It’s dangerous if you don’t.
Join Project Hope & Beyond, the new depression community.
Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.
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