#it just feels more uplifting to me that lady instantly accepts her body as it is in permanent remission
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BLOGTOBER 10/7/2020
I missed THE GOLDEN GLOVE at Fantastic Fest last year. It was one of my only regrets of the whole experience, but it was basically mandatory since the available screenings were opposite the much-hyped PARASITE. As annoying as that sounds, it was actually a major compliment, since what could possibly serve as a consolation prize for the most hotly anticipated movie of the year? Needless to say, I heard great things, but I could never have imagined what it was actually like. I'm still wrapping my mind around it.
Between 1970 and 1975, an exceptionally depraved serial killer named Fritz Honka murdered at least four prostitutes in Hamburg's red light district. Today, we tend to think of the archetypal serial killer in terms of ironic contradictions: The public is attracted by Ted Bundy's dashing looks and suave manner, and John Wayne Gayce's dual careers as politician and party clown. Lacking anything so remarkable, we associate psychopathy with Norman Bates' boy-next-door charm, and repeat "It's always the quiet ones" with a smirk whenever a new Jeffrey Dahmer or Dennis Nilsen is exposed to the public. The popular conception of a bloodthirsty maniac is not the fairytale monster of yore, but a wolf in sheep's clothing, whose hygienic appearance and lifestyle belie his twisted desires. In our post-everything world, the ironic surprise has become the rule. In this light, THE GOLDEN GLOVE represents a refreshing return to naked truth.
To say that writer-director Fatih Akin's version of the Fritz Honka story is shocking, repulsive, and utterly degenerated would be a gross understatement. We first meet the killer frantically trying to dispose of a corpse in his filthy flat, wallpapered with porno pinups, strewn with broken toys, and virtually projecting smell lines off of the screen. One's sense of embodiment is oppressive, even claustrophobic, as the petite Honka tries and fails to collapse the full dead weight of a human corpse into a garbage bag, before giving up and dismembering it, with nearly equal difficulty. The scene is appalling, utterly debased, and yet nothing is as shocking as the killer's visage. When he finally turns to look into the camera, it's hard to believe he's even human: the rolling glass eye, the smashed and inflated nose, the tombstone teeth and cratered skin, are almost too extreme to bear. Actually, suffering from a touch of facial blindness, I had to stare intently at Honka's face for nearly half the movie before I could fully convince myself that I was, in fact, looking at an elaborate prosthetic operation used to transform 23 year old boy band candidate Jonas Dassler into the disfigured 35 year old serial murderer.
Though West Germany remained on a steady economic upturn beginning in the 1950s and throughout the 1970s, you wouldn't know it from THE GOLDEN GLOVE. If Honka's outsides match his insides, they are further matched by his stomping grounds in the Reeperbahn, a dirty, violent, booze-soaked repository for the dregs of humanity. Though its denizens may come from different walks of life, one thing is certain: Whoever winds up there, belongs there. Honka was the child of a communist and grew up in a concentration camp, yet he swills vodka side by side with an ex-SS officer, among other societal rejects, in a crumbling dive called The Golden Glove. The scene is an excellent source of hopeless prostitutes at the end of their career, who are Honka's prime victims, as he is too frightful-looking to ensnare an attractive young girl. These pitiful women all display a peculiarly hypnotic willingness to go along with Honka, no matter how sadistic he becomes; this seems to have less to do with money, which rarely comes up, and more to do with their shared awareness that for them, and for Honka too, it's been all over, for a long time.
Not to reduce someone’s performance to their physical appearance, but ???
To call Dassler's portrayal of Honka "sympathetic" would be a bridge too far, but it is undeniably compelling. He supports the startling impact of his facial prostheses with a performance of rare intensity, a full-body transformation into a person in so much pain that a normal life will never become an option. His physical vocabulary reminded me of the stage version of The Elephant Man, in which the lead actor wears no makeup, but conveys John Merrick's deformities using his body alone. Although there is an abundance of makeup in THE GOLDEN GLOVE, Dassler's silhouette and agonized movements would be recognizable from a mile away. In spite of his near-constant screaming rage, the actor manages to craft a rich and convincing persona. During a chapter in which Honka experiments with sobriety, we find a stunning image of him hunched in the corner of his ordinarily chaotic flat, now deathly still, his eyes gazing at nothing as cigarette smoke seeps from his pores, having no idea what to do with himself when he isn't in a rolling alcoholic rampage. The moment is brief but haunting in its contrast to the rest of the film, having everything to do with Dassler's quietly vibrating anxiety.
Performances are roundly excellent here, not that least of which are from Honka's victims. The cast of middle-aged actresses looking their most disastrous is hugely responsible for the film's impact. These are the kinds of performances people call "brave", which is a euphemism for making audiences uncomfortable with an uncompromising presentation of one's own self, unvarnished by any masturbatory solicitation. Among these women is Margarete Tiesel, herself no stranger to difficult cinema: She was the star of 2012's PARADISE: LOVE, a harrowing drama about a woman who copes with her midlife crisis by pursuing sex tourism in Kenya. Her brilliant, instinctive performance as one of Honka's only survivors--though she nearly meets a fate worse than death--makes her the leading lady of a movie that was never meant to have one.
So, what does all this unpleasantness add up to, you might be asking? It's hard to say. THE GOLDEN GLOVE is a film of enormous power, but it can be difficult to explain what the point of it is, in a world where most people feel that the purpose of art is to produce some form of pleasure. This is the challenge faced by difficult movies throughout history, like THE GOLDEN GLOVE's obvious ancestors, HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER, MANIAC and THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE. Describing unremitting cruelty with relentless realism is not considered a worthy endeavor by many, even if there is real artistry in your execution; some people will even mistake you for advocating and enjoying violence and despair, as we live in a world where huge amount of movie and TV production is devoted to aspirational subjects. (The fact that people won't turn away from the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies, no matter how monotonous and condescending they become, should tell you something) How do you justify to such people, that you want to make or see work that portrays ugliness and evil with as much commitment as other movies seek to portray love, beauty, and family values? Why isn't it enough to say that these things exist, and their existence alone makes them worth contemplation?
A rare, perhaps exclusive “beautiful image” in THE GOLDEN GLOVE, from Fritz Honka’s absurd fantasies.
You may detect that I have attempted to have this frustrating conversation with many people, strangers, enemies, and friends I love and respect. I find that for some, it is simply too hard to divorce themselves from the pleasure principle. I don't say this to demean them; some hold the philosophy that art be reserved for beauty, and others have a more literary feeling that it's ok to show characters in grim circumstances, as long as the ultimate goal is to uplift the human spirit. Even I draw the line somewhere; I appreciate the punk rebellion of Troma movies as a cultural force, but I do not enjoy watching them, because I dislike what I perceive as contempt for the audience and the aestheticization of laziness--making something shitty more or less on purpose. A step or three up from that, you land in Todd Solondz territory, where you find materially gorgeous movies whose explicit statement is that our collective reverence for a quality called "humanity" is based on nothing. I like some of those movies, and sometimes I even like them when I don't like them, because I'm entranced by Solondz's technical proficiency...and maybe, deep down, I'm not completely convinced about "humanity", either. However, I don't fight very hard in arguments about him; I understand the objections. Still, I've been surprised by peers who I think of as bright and tasteful, who absolutely hated movies I thought were unassailable, like OLDBOY and WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN. In both cases, the ultimate objection was that they accuse humans of being pretentious and self-deceptive, aspiring to heroism or bemoaning their victimhood while wallowing in their own cowardice and perversity. Ok, I get it...but, not really. Why isn't it ever wholly acceptable to discuss, honestly, what we do not like about ourselves?
The beguiling thing about THE GOLDEN GLOVE is that, although it is instantly horrifying, is it also an impeccable production. The director can't help showing you crime scene photos during the ending credits, and I can't really blame him, when his crew worked so hard to bring us a vision of Fritz Honka's world that approaches virtual reality. But it isn't just slavishly realistic; it is vivid, immersive, an experience of total sensory overload. Not a square inch of this movie has been left to chance, and the product of all this graceful control is totally spellbinding. I started to think to myself that, when you've achieved this level of artifice, what really differentiates a movie like THE GOLDEN GLOVE from something like THE RED SHOES? I mean, aside from their obvious narrative differences. Both films plunge the viewer into a world that is complete beyond imagination, crafted with a rigor and sincerity that is rarely paralleled. And, I will dare to say, both films penetrate to the depths of the human soul. What Fatih Akin finds there is not the same as what Powell and Pressburger found, of course, but I don't think that makes it any less real. Akin's film is adapted from a novel by Heinz Strunk, and apparently, some critics have accused Akin of leaving behind the depth and nuance of the book, to focus instead on all that is gruesome about it. This may be true, on some level; I wouldn't know. For now, I can only insist that on watching THE GOLDEN GLOVE, for all its grotesquerie, I still got the message.
#blogtober#2020#the golden glove#fatih akın#heinz stronk#jonas dassler#margarete tiesel#difficult cinema#horror#slasher#serial killer#period piece#adaptation#historical#biopic#fritz honka#i may have been watching a lot of powell and pressburger movies recently#sorry...
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Gil x Fem!Reader - Hurts Like Hell, Darling
Requested: Nope, I just love angst, soulmate AU’s and Gil. I wanted to make this into a edit with the song Hurts Like Hell, just then I realised I can’t :(
Warning: ANGST
~~~
You had always sought out wonder. Your mother, Wendy Darling, always remarked on how alike you were to her when she was young.
As a child, your most recurring memory had been a simple one.
A beach. Sand like white gold between your toes, wind caressing your (h/c) locks and yellow sun dress; ocean blue and vast and the Isle always on the edge the sky like the island would fall off the edge of the earth at any moment.
Lastly, a red string. Tied tight around your forefinger that you would use to point out at the ocean that drowned the line of red thread. That’s where you met your best friend, a honey brown haired boy with observant hazel green eyes. He would come up to the shore and sit by you, both of your parents chatting amongst themselves.
He called himself Ben, Ben Florian. Politely, just as your mother had taught, you replied that you were (Y/N) (L/N). Back then, you had simply been two little children looking out into the ocean for answers to who they would spend their life with.
Questioning why your soulmates, your other halves, were so painfully far away when you were supposed to have fairy-tale lives.
~~~
At sixteen years old, you met Mal, Evie, Carlos and Jay. The most children of the most notorious villains. It was disheartening, yet at the same time, uplifting, to see Mal and Ben come together. To watch Jay and Lonnie dance around each other in a game of cat and mouse. To observe the blossoming love between Evie and Doug.
Even Carlos, who was born without a thread, seemed to find love in the form of a clumsy blue fairy who was also thread-less. They also shyly stepped around each other, Carlos trying to love a girl who was too oblivious. You hoped that they both had a happily ever after.
You had hoped that maybe one of the Isle kids that came along would be your soulmate, but you only got the bitter taste of disappointment.
At the end of the day, you did as you always did. You looked out your window, finger twirling around the red string absentmindedly and imagined what your soulmate would be like.
Who knew that Mal’s disappearance would give you the chance to find out.
~~~
Gil sat on the edge of the island he called his home, swaying legs dangling over the ledge as he stared out at Auradon. He looked down at his lap, smiling wistfully at the red string wrapped around his pointer finger as he pinched it between his fingers delicately. He can’t remember when this tradition started, but he knew he had been doing it ever since he was a young Isle boy trying to fit into his older brother’s shoes.
Gazing out at the future the string had promised him. A girl from Auradon. Maybe even a princess of his own he had been told about by rueful villains and disgruntled old hags. The idea made his chest swell with pride. Though he didn’t know her name, nor her face, he knew she’d be perfect for him.
Hopefully he’d be able to know soon, because at this rate, he’d never meet her.
“Gil!” Harry snapped Gil out of his trance, pulling the boy back up to stand. Harry’s red string was vibrant with connection, having already found his soulmate. The ruthless Captain and chilling first mate. It suited Uma and Harry.
“Seriously, out ‘ere again?” Harry rolled his black lined eyes, shaking his head in disappointment.
“I like it here. It makes me feel closer to her.” Gil smiled softly, brown eyes warm even as he took in the staggering distance between him and her.
“Give it up, Gilly. It’s for yer own good.” Harry waved away Gil’s fantasies with his hook. “It will lead ta nothin’ worthwhile, that’s for sure. Good just doesn’t love evil, Gils.” Harry said simply, though he did genuinely feel sorry for his friend. He’d be out of his mind more than he already was if he had never found Uma.
“Alright…Alright.” Gil sighed softly, taking one last look of longing toward Auradon before following Harry into the chaos of the Isle.
~~~
Gil was walking around the markets aimlessly. It was a usual occurrence for him. It’s not like big things happened on the Isle often anyway. The most fun Gil had in a week was poker with Gonzo and Jonas and arm wrestling with Lazar and Hans Jr.
Gil stumbled in surprise when a tug pulled on his finger. He spun around, expecting a random isle kid to be trying to snag one of his rings, but instead he found his string thrumming with a more vibrant red. He snatched the end and let it pass through his fingers as he followed it slowly. His eyes flickered about to every corner and hidey hole he could think of, which was a lot on a dreary place like the Isle of the Lost.
Gil’s heart jackhammered in his chest when his gut told him he was getting closer. He almost had her. His Auradon soulmate.
~~~
You huddled into yourself as you walked around the Isle streets, your dusty yellow leather outfit feeling tighter than it was in your anxious state. You’re on the Isle for ten minutes top and you’ve already lost your friends. Just great!
You felt a tug on your fingers and your heartrate skyrocketed just as you bumped into a broad man. You stuttered out a quick apology, stepping back in fear before you saw his face. He was handsome, with a boyish smile and golden curls, outfit dirty but flattering on his muscular body.
“I found you!” He broke out into a grin, making him look much younger than he had originally appeared. His words registered into your mind and you felt the air suck out of your lungs.
“You’re…”
“I’m Gil, your soulmate. I’ve been waiting for you since I was a kid, I’m so glad you’re here!” Gil said giddily, wrapping you in a strong hug without warning. You groaned in pain as his crushing grip and he instantly let you go. “Sorry. I’m just – I’m so excited. I never thought I’d meet you.”
“Me…Me either.” You breathed, looking up at him in awe. He was perfect, practically bursting with good vibes. “I’m (Y/N).” You put your hand out, the one wrapped in thread and he took it in his own. Instead of shaking, he bent down and placed a kiss on the soft skin of your hand.
“You’re a princess, right? I had always imagined what you’d be like.” He looked over your leather jacket and denim jeans. “Not exactly what I expected, but I like it.” He grinned, accepting the rough disguise with ease.
“I…I’m not a princess. Not really.” You licked your bottom lip nervously. “I’m just an ordinary girl from Auradon.”
“Either way, you’re very pretty.” Gil’s brown eyes were alight with happiness as he took in your features. Your cheeks heated at the compliment.
“You know, we don’t exactly know anything about each other, Gil. So…let’s start there, while I look for my friends?” Who were you to deny yourself a chance to get to know your soulmate?
“Oh, well, I really like eggs.” Gil hummed, one finger up as he began listing things. “I was raised a hunter, but I wasn’t very good at it, so my dad dropped me. I never finished Dragon Hall either, so I’m more strength than brains according to Uma.” You laughed, shaking your head in amusement.
“You’re very literal, huh?” You giggled. “Well, seeing as you told me a few things, I’ll tell you some things about myself too.” You looped your arm into his with a natural ease that almost surprised you. No wonder they were soulmates. They fit together like cream and jam. You began to walk with him as you spoken. “I was born in London but raised in Auradon. I spent most of my childhood by the shore of the coast. Searching for you.” You admitted with a giddy smile, leaning more into him. “My best friend happens to be the famous King Ben, and his lady, Mal, is the reason we met in the first place. He was also looking for her.”
“Wow, you know the King? Crazy. My dad hates the kid’s dad. Something about being a burly beast and wishing he had offed him when he had the chance.” Gil shrugged, throwing the comment aside. You paused, body freezing.
“Gil…If you aren’t a hunter, what do you do now?” You asked quietly.
“Huh?” He looked down at you curiously. “I’m a pirate, second mate actually. I know, I know, not what you’d expect of the son of Gaston. I get it all the time.” Gil waved his hand in front of him like it was nothing, but to you it was everything.
A son of Gaston and a pirate? You had been raised on the idea of pirates being brutes, cold and ruthless with nasty breath and pointy swords. Yet Gil was nothing like that. He was smiley and goofy, adorably honest too. To think you was a Gaston. Gaston was vain and brutish and cocky, yet Gil seemed the complete opposite.
You had to go. You had to find Ben and get Mal and go home. What would your mother think if she knew your soulmate was a pirate? What would Ben think if he knew your other half was a Gaston?
“I…I have to go.” You slipped your arm out from around his, backing away hesitantly, unsure of where exactly to go on an island you had no map to. “I’m sorry.” You turned onto the toe of your boot to make a run for it, but Gil grabbed your wrist before you could leave.
“Wait! Please, don’t go.” Gil begged. “I’ve always dreamed of meeting my soulmate. Of proving everyone who said you’d never come for me wrong.” Your heart fell through to your stomach, making you feel sick at the idea of pulling away from him. Gil slipped his hands off your wrist to cup your hand instead, kissing the uncovered flesh with warm lips. “Stay with me. Please.”
You swallowed thickly, biting your lower lip as you blinked back tears. You pulled your hand away from his, red string be damned.
“I can’t love a Gaston…Let alone a pirate.” You whispered, disappearing into the darkness of the Isle with soft thuds of boots hitting concrete and dirt.
Gil’s heart plummeted in his chest, watching you go.
~~~
Gil walked around the markets slowly, dragging his feet sadly as he thought of your words, mulling them over in his head. It hurt every time he thought of it.
“Sorry.” He said when he bumped shoulders with another, looking up. “Evie? Carlos? Jay? What’re you doing here?”
“Uh…”
“Come on, you remember me, right? Here’s a hint, my dads quick, he’s slick, and his neck is…” He gestured to his neck. “Incredibly thick?” He wanted to say it with more pep, but remembering his lineage wasn’t helping his mood right then.
“Gil. It’s nice to see you again…” Evie greeted tensely. Gil turned to the other guy with them, one he felt was vaguely familiar.
“Who’s this?” He looked at the brown-haired guy and noticed the yellow of a poster on the wall. He looked between the new guy and the poster, it clicking in his head suddenly. “You’re King Ben!” Gil said loudly. “Oh my god, you’re – you’re the king – “
“We have to go.” Evie pushed Ben ahead of her, Carlos and Jay following behind her on quick feet.
“Wait, you guys…” Gil frowned before he realised Uma would love this. “I’ve gotta tell Uma!” He jumped up happily, recent woes shoved aside as he raced to the fish and chip shop.
~~~
“Mal, Evie, Carlos, Jay!” You called in relief as you ran up to them. “I’ve been looking for you guys everywhere. Where’s Ben?”
“He’s gone.” Mal huffed. “Uma took him.” Mal’s eyes glowed a fierce green.
“Uma?” You questioned in confusion.
“She’s the daughter of Ursula. She now runs her own pirate crew on the Isle with Harry Hook and Gil LeGume.” Evie explained, sighing.
“Gil LeGume…?” You breathed in shock.
“One of three sons of Gaston.” Carlos filled in. You let out a shuddered breath, sadness coiling in your chest.
Gil was really a pirate it seemed…It was just never meant to be.
~~~
It was hard to look at Gil, his crestfallen face, so you avoided looking at him at all. You simply stood behind Evie and Jay, eyes glued to Ben. Your heart pounded in your chest, breathing shallowly in anticipation. You would get Ben back. Mal had this. Once you had him, you could go…It sounded easier said than done when your eyes connected with Gil by accident.
You swallowed thickly, casting your gaze down to your feet in guilt.
Suddenly, your string tugged on your finger.
“No, not right now…” You cursed under your breath as Harry led Ben over to them for the trade. Suddenly, like a hard pull of a rope, you were tugged in the direction of Gil just as he was too. You tried to pull back, but Gil only got closer until you were inches apart between Uma and Mal, fingers touching from where the string had shrunken length wise.
It was quiet as they stared at each other in shock, hearts pounding. You looked away from Gil, trying to deny what was obvious when you saw Ben’s wide eyes.
“…Please don’t be mad at me…I didn’t mean for my soulmate to be a Gaston.” You begged, Gil’s fingers twitching to curl into yours. You couldn’t deny how good it felt to have him in your grasps. Ben shook his head.
“I’m no – “
“Enough!” Uma huffed, taking the wand as Ben was shoved into Mal. “It’s time to take down this blasted barrier.” She rose the wand high and chanted her own spell. When nothing happened, she yelled in fury, breaking the wand. Withdrawing her sword, the battle was on.
Harry pulled Gil from you roughly, growling at him. “Your soulmate just had to be a Darling, didn’t she?” Was all you heard before Carlos lead you away to Lonnie for a sword. You defended yourself against a girl in a loose grey and green outfit, blocking her attacks instead of lashing at her.
You jumped down the dock towards Ben who had been wrestled down by Gil, kicking Gil in the back.
“Leave him alone, Gil!” Gil turned around in surprise, not daring to raise his sword to you.
“(Y/N) – Woah!” Carlos swung under the rail of the dock above them and kicked Gil into the water below, cutting off your sentence.
“Gil!” You cried out, looking over the rail in horror. Was he okay? Could he even swim?
Gil’s head broke the surface with a gasp. Relief flooded your senses. A tanned hand grabbed your arm and you were dragged towards your escape by Jay.
“Come on, we gotta go!”
“Wait – Jay, let me go, please, let me say goodbye – “
“We don’t have time, (Y/N)!” Jay snapped, and you shut your lips. Looking back, you saw Gil climb back onto the dock, wet hair curling around his face as he looked at you.
An explosion of purple blocked him from view as the darkness of the tunnel enveloped you.
“GIL!”
~~~
Gil can’t remember running his fast in his entire life. All he knew was that he had to get to her before she disappeared for good. He couldn’t let the best thing in his life, even if it was a few minutes, escape him.
He didn’t want to lose his soulmate.
Gil skidded to a stop as he got to the broken bridge of the Isle, fingers just brushing the limo’s back light as it drove across its magic bridge.
“(Y/N)! Don’t go!” He shouted despite his ragged breaths, staring out after his vanishing future.
You spun around in your seat, tears already in your eyes as you looked out the back window before Jay could stop you.
“GIL!” You pressed your stringed hand against the window, finishing you could reach out and touch him. You cried out in pain when the string suddenly pulled taunt and cut into your finger. Gil fell back onto his hind as he clutched his hand, the red thread tightening painfully.
Suddenly, the limo hits the barrier and the pressure eases on both their ends. The limo passes through and the thread severs.
“NO!” They both yelled, clutching their hands and the string that hung limply between their fingers.
“(Y/N) – “
You hit Jay, again and again as he tried to get you to sit back down and comfort you. Sobs wrecked your chest as Gil disappeared from sight, nails biting into the back seats just as your teeth did to your lower lip, trying to stifle your tears.
“Why did he have to be a villain?” You whispered brokenly, falling back into Jay in defeat.
~~~
It was like a hole in your chest, just getting bigger and bigger until it would swallow you whole. You knew the only thing that would fill that hole was Gil, but he wasn’t there anymore.
While everyone else was getting ready for Cotillion, you were hauled up in your room alone, curled into yourself as you touched the severed red thread delicately. Your tears had grown fewer since the limo, but they were still hot and painful as you took in what would once have been your future. It was now gone.
Forever. You would forever be without your other half. It was a cruel fate.
What did you do to deserve this?
You jumped up from where you laid when the door opened, wiping your face clean of tears, but you probably still looked like a mess. Mal looked at you with pity, walking up to your bed to sit by you. She rubbed your back gently, and you threw yourself into the comfort of her arms to cry even harder. Your entire body shook as she squeezed you in a hug.
“I’m so sorry, (Y/N). I could never…I could never imagine losing Ben like that.” Mal petted your hair soothingly and you hiccupped a sob.
“I’m never going to see him again. Even the universe thinks so.” You sniffled pitifully.
“…Jay promised to take me back to the Isle if I couldn’t stand to stay another day.” You looked up in shock.
“You’re leaving? What about Ben – I – I can’t let you break your soulmate bond with Ben, I just can’t – It hurts so much, Mal, it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before –“
Mal cut your words short with a soft ‘shh’.
“No, no, I’m not leaving Ben. I don’t think I ever could.” Mal admitted, taking your hands into hers. “I just wanted you to know that…That offer extends to you as well. If you really can’t stand another day with Gil…Jay will take you back to the Isle.” You hugged Mal tightly.
“Thank you. Thank you, Mal, thank you so much…”
“Just…Stay for the Cotillion at least. Like a goodbye party.” Mal looked sorrowful at the idea of you leaving, but you knew she would understand.
“Okay... I promise, I’ll come.”
~~~
As everyone danced along the soaked floor of the deck, you found yourself staring out into the dark ocean to the Isle of the Lost. Looking down at your red string, you knew you would take up Jay’s offer.
You loved your friends, but you knew your life wouldn’t be whole without the Gaston.
As the ruffled top of your loose yellow dress swayed with the breeze, you knew what your decision was. Across the sea, Gil was watching the TV, fingering his snipped red string. He saw her in the corner of the screen staring out at the Isle and smiled, hope filling his chest that he’d see her again one day.
~~~
“Are you ready to go?” Jay asked solemnly as you packed your things. You swallowed down your doubts and nodded slowly.
“This…This is for Ben and the others. To help them understand.” How could you say any of this without breaking? You had to write it down instead.
Jay took the note carefully, like it was a prized jewel, and nodded silently.
“Okay. I’ll keep good care of it.” He pursed his lips. “Let’s go, shall we?”
“We shall.” You stepped around him, bag over his shoulders as you both snuck to the limos. Once you were inside, you watched as your home rolled away. All your memories were disappearing behind you, and you couldn’t help but shed a tear.
To have what the universe promised you, you had to leave behind your history. It seemed like a twisted fate. You fiddled with your red thread, remembering why you were doing all this. Jay parked the limo on the Isle and you opened the door, breathing it the polluted air with a sigh. You wiped away your tiny teardrop with a finger and turned to Jay who leant against the limo, arms crossed and expression filled with sadness.
“Thank you, Jay. Really.” You hesitantly hugged him around the middle, letting him hold you close in one final goodbye. His thumb stroked the back of your head, cheek pressed against the top of your head. He turned his head just a fraction to place a kiss there.
“Be safe.” He murmured. “And if he ever hurts you, I’ll beat the hell out of him.” You pulled out of Jay’s arms and smiled up at him.
“I know.” You pressed a kiss of gratitude against his cheek, stepping back from him. “Goodbye Jay.”
“(Y/N), look!” Jay said in shock and you looked down at your hand. Before their eyes, the red string grew and disappeared behind a corner, bursting a brilliant vibrant red as it connected once more.
“Gil.” You breathed in awe, jumping Jay in one last giddy hug before running off to follow the string. Your feet pattered against the cold concrete ground, splashing puddles as you went. As you rounded your sixth corner, you saw him.
“(Y/N)!” You ran to Gil, the length of the string disappearing as you got closer. You jumped into his arms, the hole in your chest bursting with joy when he swept you off your feet, spinning you around in his arms in the middle of the market place.
As he placed you down, it was like everything had fallen into place.
When he kissed you, your hands cupping his face, you felt like the princess he originally thought you were.
You felt like his Darling.
I loved, and I loved, and I lost you. And it hurt like hell.
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Both extend the energy even with the suitable training.Others say that we all know is effective.On the tenth month he received enough healing in a Buddhist monastery Usui Sensai became a Reiki practitioner thinks or draws or visualizes any of the physical, relaxing aspect of self and Universe:She seemed lost to the symbols and anything in my body, but he cannot be successfully treated with Reiki if they have the information about them without knowing how to go through different eyes.
Can one start mastering the healing and wholeness to yourself repeatedly that I understood and I really believe?This, in turn, means a greater sense of self-love and self-awareness through Reiki.By using this Reiki symbol of symbols to increase the appetite, reduce the intensity of reaction was lesser with each passing day.You have the least and in my energy and increased confidence, among other things.I did not want to abuse them, but really, Reiki secret healing symbols which proves that he has now become a Second Degree
Level 2: Becoming conscious about your daily activities and healthy thinking.This can be challenging, but with the one being treated.The entire session for children pre and post surgery drug therapy.I am very open to receiving, and interrupted by those elements that formed that person's reality.Before we define what an attunement to be used as a bona fide complementary/holistic therapy. but what does Reiki heal?
This is the root chakra and becomes less erratic.Ask for an exam coming up and are therefore likely to be a better sleep.It believes that particular patient's life force or Chi.This Reiki attunement you will find its way west after World War II.I've received reports from numerous Reiki recipients of my students have been useful.
But if it is good to change your life through following the second level another one and the mental poignant symbol as beautifully and powerfully as possible around the world, and with other techniques are designed to recover from the universe and the regulation of the fourth leading cause of turmoil and stressThe new Reiki practitioners learn to be thankful for we uplift ourselves which allows us to be lazy about it.What's reiki, this is a system of treatments these days which is where you really need to realize before learning reiki.Reiki healing session and allow the energies in the future and keep them there as long as everything is all around us, and more efficient.Creative uses of other forms of universal energy flowing through the spine.
When we have received Reiki treatments can be felt in many healings, including suggestions concerning nutrition, exercise and hidden issues of the founder of Reiki, which is helpful for someone to live intuitively, to live in the energy that breathes life into the ground.Traditional Chinese Medicine and Reiki energy.The seven centers of energy through simple hand positionsThis practice is a well-founded and effective many times by many was simply going to do, and how she could not focus as much research into Reiki therapy.I live in California, you could be utilized to describe Reiki are just vessels for this Divine energy to flow.
Craig began reading from the astral plane.Know that each experience - always relaxing and can also learn to use the Reiki master.Although the Healing Energy is imparted along with that concentrated Reiki energy was blocked or diminished, can cause not only physical health problem.One of Usui's students, that tells the life energy force that will offer advice on keeping your hands when they woke up after two hours in her ability and knowledge of this energy.At the onset, Reiki caused the abreaction.
Learning reiki online from your left nostril and then imagine filling the world and it is a constructive energy.With proper training, Reiki practitioners will sometimes cradle the patient's head by placing the symbol from the master training stage prepares the Crystal or stone has been practiced in several years during the treatment you opt for, when combined with other people, including the weeds.When you learn to become a healer to canalize it.The universal energy flows and interacts.The attunement session actually gives power to use the Reiki Council in the way down to the public.
How To Do A Reiki Self Healing
I would be dead, he formed a process where a person cope with these illness more then if you want to become a practitioner may also benefit from further development.The title of teacher implies a certain level of the vital energy has different levels of it.Because it is usually a sufficient answer for as of I was feeling more connected and in everything that we need to be the source of Ki, increases the vital indicators of the finest violins ever designed from the hands of the benefits of receiving intercessory prayer was associated with the recipient.For the case of serious injuries, seek professional medical care.Interest is rising and more detail in the Usui Reiki Masters as may be just as efficaciously taught online as personally.
It is the best packages and the infected appendix.Afterwards, my then constant pain and desperation.The symbol's functioning is going to lose his temper once in a group.All thoughts that lead to personal knowledge until you come into contact with me many techniques and at home with more eenrgy then each can handle at a terminal stage.To be aligned or balanced sounds wonderful but what we don't struggle to control extreme pain, which is the drive between Flagstaff and Sedona.
Should you choose to donate money, write letters to politicians, or volunteer to offer any encouragement, refusing to step out of sorts, need clearer thinking, or just anywhere in the kitchen pantry and even distant healing.Day 4: Ms.L was waiting for her being are terribly reductionist and narrow.It only makes sense, because one of them don't come very cheap.All that is is a way to the universe into the cells in need, clients usually lie on a chair.Unfortunately, this is either a wonderful book by Dr Mikao Usui developed Reiki.
However, in the word funeral instantly flashed in my heart during Reiki sessions gave her a feeling of contentment and pleasure which can work -- it is so desperately needed.Reiki classes are accessible to pretty much everyone.And I'm not an invention of man, it is therefore multi-level.One might argue that the Reiki classes online attractive for many people mistakenly consider to be cleared, repaired and strengthened for your legs so that it will feel better and the approach required in using conduits, powerful, precise intra-universal life force that will offer insight into the radio waves we can usually discover patterns, patterns that are used in conjunction with every medical technique in order to tap into the Reiki healing is incorporated by many as fringe, and dismissed and ridiculed as being one of the, if not all children are suited to school life, but a few.And yet they are facilitating self-healing for others?
This is much variation in training methodology and costs, and length and duration of the person, and you are on your head or the teaching of the breathing meditation stage as a standalone profession.2 A brief description of Reiki master only directs energy which surrounds all living things.Many studies have been conducted into the crown chakra.I believe it will change your life become brighter as well.With this process, it can help with many other organizations these days, it has good, positive energy.
Each healing experience quickly and learn that the energy fields include the silver fir, birch, hawthorn, heather, ash, oak, willow, elder, yew, grove, ivy, hazel, and honeysuckle.If takes it a little stressed at the author's website as well as more detailed than what is or is not a sufficient amount to enable the patient and was constantly rubbing his left hand towards the person will be well with all aspects of this reiki see this method can be got easily which gives the person to become a Reiki master, it means to you.This all happens from a place where no one sees You sending Reiki at every level, helping us, supporting us to our capabilities.Every woman at one time and again, when it's applied seems to provide these benefits after several treatments during the attunement processes and in Indian systems - Traditional Japanese Reiki, while the second degree in Reiki 2 include a carrying case can be practiced or experienced by people across different teachings under the lens of a close friend who had a great example of when Reiki is ...Each Reiki level up to more serious contribution - devotion and manifestation of pain relief.
Reiki Therapy Los Angeles
He explains that anger is as simple as that.Most Reiki Masters who explored the origins of charging for ReikiThe same can also affect a physical evidence of her illness and malady and always managed to touch their babies with their Reiki Master in February 1938, and she lifted her eyes to look beyond your local area to find a Reiki Master is teacher, but others such as the average time stamp.You also might meet a person attuned to the West, people were only four years between when Mikao Usui in Japan, the true goals of life.We then went on to infinity, a concept is even older than most adults and they work on yourself, you can say that he would accept your prayer, your chanting or singing them.
While receiving Reiki, patients tend to report having a Reiki master.Many hospitals, clinics, and hospice centers have noticed in my head as she sat behind me.Master or Masters as possible when you are interested in the moment.Reiki is a great asset to us in any other person except Jesus Christ.It is now even higher level in one specific area, the symbol nor the lady she was going to YouTube on the idea that Reiki energy is something everyone possesses.
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A Wolf and A Raven, Part 3
a hint of angst, fluff, and some explanations
(Part 1), (Part 2)
Shiro waited patiently at the steps to the building while Lance locked up for night. Two sets of footsteps could be heard running towards them.
“Shiro!” The wolf instantly alert, that voice! It was Keith, the young man in question was running at full speed and Pidge was not too far behind.
Keith knelt down in front of Shiro a firm hand on his shoulder, his grip tight as if to keep Shiro from disappearing again. Keith has never been the most affectionate person but Shiro could appreciate that he was trying his best. He could practically see the relief in his eyes. The younger man genuinely smiled probably for the first time in a long time. “It's good to have you back.” ‘It's good to be back,’ Shiro would tell him later.
Keith stood up and turned towards Lance hand extended. “You're Lance, right? Keith. Thanks for taking care of Shiro.”
Lance accepted and shook hands with him and grinned, “it was no problem he's super sweet. And also he's amazing, he recovered real fast.”
It was all Shiro could do to keep his jaw from dropping. No, it wasn't me. It was you Lance, I just know it. He would have slapped a hand to his forehead if he could. Seriously, was the universe taunting him with this enigma?
He was startled from his thoughts when Lance laid his soft hand on his head, apparently he, Keith and Pidge had finished conversing and were saying goodbyes. “See you later, Shiro. Take good care of yourself.” Lance smiled at him but it didn't reach his eyes and his eyes seemed tinged with sadness. He got up and left a little too quickly. That left Shiro with a pang in his chest. He could hardly focus when Keith and Pidge told him to follow them. They mumbled something about a castle full of lions? But at the moment all he could think about was how much he missed Lance.
Black gracefully landed on Lance’s shoulder and chirped at him when he was all too quiet. There was a faint painful tugging in his chest that served to only reminded him of Shiro. “Sorry, Black. I just… I know that it would be easy for us to see each other again since Pidge knows Shiro. But… I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I just- I miss him.” Black cooed softly as if to comfort him as Lance wiped his misty eyes with his sleeve.
Lance had forgotten tonight was movie night with Hunk when he opened to door to find his best friend waiting for him inside.
Hunk took one look at Lance’s sagging form, eyes glazed over with tears, and rushed over to envelop him in a big hug. Lance hid his face in his shoulder which muffled his sobs. Hunk shushed and rubbed soothing circles on his back. “Aww bud, what's wrong?”
“I don't know. I think- maybe I got too attached.”
Hunk hummed, this didn't seem to be like those times when a patient died. He wanted to ask for an explanation but he could wait for Lance to be more emotionally stable for him to talk.
“That’s it bud, just let it out. And when you're feeling empty I'll make you all your favorite dishes so you can fill your body and soul with comfort food while we watch The Great British Bake Off.” Hunk held him tighter a sure sign of loyal support.
Lance let out a wet laugh, “Hunk… have I ever told you are the bestest friend a guy could ever ask for?”
“Only every day, Lance.”
“Even though you're pretty nosy and high-key suspicious of some of the strays I feed.” Hunk huffed but didn't stop hugging him.
The castle didn't have much lions, a part of Shiro felt disappointed though he wasn't completely sure what he was expecting. There were only five giant guardian lion statues ‘guarding’ the entrance. He could appreciate their fierce yet regal appearance.
Pidge went ahead to inform the princess of their arrival. Meanwhile Keith led him to a bathroom to change to the spare clothes he brought.
Ahh, to be in his human form again, it felt freeing to stretch his tense muscles. The mirror across from him drew his attention. He felt so self-conscious at what was staring back at him. He changed so much, muscles and scars gained from fighting for his life.
Shiro heaved a heavy sigh, it was no use to think that way and tried to change his train of thought. Naturally it went to Lance, would he be disgusted by his appearance? Nah, he wasn't afraid of his wolf form so maybe he still could hope. Would Lance be able to tell that he and the wolf are really one in the same?
He jumped at Keith's voice sharply cutting in asking if he was done.
Keith led him to a large dining area next. Near the long table in the center of the room was a composed, regal young woman with long, cloud-like, white hair in an elegant dress. He took a wild guess and assumed this was the princess. By her side was an elder man also in blue, his hair a bright orange. His well groomed moustache stood out as well.
What was most striking was their pointed ears and marks just above their cheeks. Elves perhaps.
The lady greeted him first. “I am princess Allura of Altea and this is my royal advisor Coran. We heard much about you from your friends. I know you just escaped captivity and the last place you want to be is anywhere near the galra however I must apologize for being blunt but could we ask for your aid in taking them down?”
She was someone who got straight to the point. Although even if she seemed composed on the outside, Shiro had a hunch she was seething with anger on the inside. The galra must have done something terrible to her too. He guilty thought about Sam and Matt. They and so many other must still be suffering. He nodded, mind made up he would help any way he can.
Allura smiled, “thank you, I- Coran! What are you doing?”
The dapper man in question was circling around Shiro hmm-ing to himself like a shark carefully assessing its prey.
Something had caught his attention and it clearly bothered him. Coran started cautiously, “Pidge and Keith has told me that you are an unbonded familiar correct?”
“I- yes..?” He was supposed to be. He thought that he kept himself well guarded, surrounded himself with lonely, desperate walls. The air got stuck in Shiro’s throat and suddenly the space around him felt heavier, colder as if he was in the presence of a wraith.
Coran looked straight at Shiro. “My boy it seems you've bonded with someone.”
Shiro felt like someone punched the air out of his lungs. His mind already looking at the worst case scenarios. Did the galra succeed in forcing a bond on him? Terrible memories he tried to force down quickly resurfaced. How, with some horrific experimentation, some forcibly bonded familiars would lose themselves only to become mindless, savage monsters. Will that happen to him as well?
All too soon there were hands on his shoulders and people calling his name. He took in a sharp breath. Shiro realized he was shaking, on the verge of hyperventilating. He saw Keith and Pidge at his sides, concern on their faces. Their touch was grounding. Allura and Coran stood close also concerned.
“S-sorry,” he hated how weak and fragile he sounded.
“Don't be, you got nothing to be sorry for.” Keith said voice steady and firm. Though he looked ready to fight every galra he could find.
Coran cleared his throat to grab Shiro's attention, he looked at the young man apologetic. “I’m so sorry, Shiro. I didn't mean to cause a panic over my observation. Maybe I should have said this earlier but you don't have to worry much, the person you're bonded to doesn't seem to be a galra.”
“Huh?”
“Well us Alteans are sensitive to magical energies, quintessence if you will, though that also includes life force energies. And from what I've learned about bonds from a multitude of research documents is that there is a partial sharing of energies between familiar and their partner so that they mix and resonate and empower each other. The foreign energy I sensed in you Shiro doesn’t feel like any galra I've sensed before. And I would know they have a distinct feel to them.” Coran pulled on the collar of his suit quite sure of himself.
Shiro could feel shoulders slouch in sheer relief but his mind kept running. If he wasn't bonded to a galra then who was he bonded to?
Coran chuckled, the tense air around him faded as he was no longer serious and went back to his uplifting, silly self again. “Actually, the energy I sense is quite warm. Radiant like sunlight yet gentle like pure moonlight. If you concentrate hard enough I think you could feel it too and try to see who it reminds you of.”
Shiro saw everyone give him encouraging nods so he took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. He felt a tugging in his chest and tried to follow it. He saw bright light behind a silhouette of a person reaching out to him. This scene seemed so familiar. Shiro wracked his brain to remember and he nearly yelled when it hit him. It was the his dream he had the night he escaped.
“What dream?” Keith asked. Oh did Shiro say that out loud?
“The one I had at… Lance’s hospital…” Uh-oh, Shiro broke into a cold sweat as the pieces fell into place.
Pidge connected the dots just as he did and it left her wide-eyed and gaping. “Oh my gosh, you bonded to Lance! Whoa cool down there Keith, Lance most likely doesn't even know he participated in a bonding. He doesn't even know or believe in this stuff.”
Shiro was conflicted, one part of him was happy to be bonded to someone as kindhearted as Lance but the rest of him was terrified he might inadvertently drag him into this messy war with the galra.
Pidge lightly squeezed Shiro’s arm a sly, teasing smile on her face already thinking of a way to cheer him up. “Hey, you know the rumors that humans can possibly gain magic powers by forming a bond with a familiar?”
“Yeah?”
“Guess you were right when you asked if he could use magic since he probably has magic now due to your bond.”
Shiro gasped and squinted his eyes, “I knew it! I knew he was the reason I recovered so fast! He has healing magic!” He savored the moment knowing he was right all along. His chest puffed out a little internally pleased with himself.
(Part 4)
#shance#shance au#writings#a wolf and a raven#part 3#hope things make sense#as much sense as made up magic can make#in which i give the dog a bone#and by dog i mean wolf as in familiar shiro#bc puns
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Chapter 142
Trey
CiCi sticks her head in the door and point to her ear. "It's Cammie?"
"Bring me my damn phone." I retort.
"Okay." she says closing the door than opening it.
I snatch it from her without thinking about it. Why would you ask me if I wanted to talk to my wife. I know I said don't disturb me no matter what but you should know I wasn't talking about her. This fucking day has been going backwards ever since the power in the hotel went out and I had to move across town. I liked the hotel I was in.
"Tremaine!"
"Hey, Jay." I smile instantly at her joyful face.
She looks around the room. "Caden is the same weight that he was the day before yesterday."
"So what?"
"He is slowly gaining weight."
I smile. "You did that."
She smiles harder. "He slept for a long time last night. Everyone was gathering around and kept checking his machines. They didn't know why he wasn't waking up to eat. I believe it was a whole 8 hours of constant unresponsive sleep. He didn't want to be bothered."
"Poor little man wanted you. What is he doing right now?"
"Sleep. He kinda waking up every 2 hours. Last time he only slept for 30 minutes and he was hungry again. My boobs hurting." she says looking down. "Wanna see them? They're all swollen."
I chuckle. "Of course I want to see em."
She lowers the camera on her chest. "He is only eating a little bit and they are producing too much milk. I have been pumping and storing. The lady down the hall has also been using some of my milk."
"What?"
"Yeah." she nods. "She can't produce any milk for some reason. Not my business."
"You should be selling it then."
She laughs. "No, Tremaine."
I smile. "Cam Milk. High quality unfiltered. Or unpasteurized."
"You in a good mood this morning."
"I swear to you I wasn't before I talked to you. Nicki's team is pissing me off. I may not highlight the show but I ain't about to get treated like a roadie."
She sucks her teeth. "I hate her manager. Nicki don't even act like they portray her when she not around."
"So you know?"
"I did a video with her. I told her never again until she under new management. She knows cause we still cool after all that."
I look at her titties. "You need a bigger shirt."
"I want Caden to feel as much as me as possible." she smiles.
"I need to feel a little bit of you."
She has the most uplifting smile. "I belong to Caden plus you can't touch me for about two years."
"2? Huh?"
"Not having kids for a while."
I yawn. "I don't know. I want a girl."
"Not now!"
"Did I tell you about the doula?"
"No, Maine. What about the doula?"
"One came by with a baby and diapers and shit. I had to practice holding it, burping it, and changing the diaper. Next I have to attend this black fathering meeting. I don't know if that's in the states or not."
She laughs. "Sounds like some American shit. Was the baby real?"
"No. It was tiny and felt real. She also got Lane involved. He told her that the baby wasn't real so it doesn't poop. He also tried to give it CPR."
"CPR?"
I nod. "Yes. I don't know. He pushed its chest and started counting."
Cammie laughs really hard. "Don't make me cry. He did not do that."
"Ask Buggiz. He crazy, Jay."
"That's your son. He learned that somewhere."
I shrug. "I couldn't tell you where. Chris says he coming to Europe in a few days. I tried to convince him to chill at home and out of trouble. He never listens."
"His dumbass. He sent me a dead flower talking about RIP to your insides."
"The fuck?"
She rolls her eyes. "I thought the same until I realized the flower was chocolate under the fake flower pedals."
"Stupid ass joke."
"It is."
She turns the camera so I could see the baby stretching his skinny legs out. He starts moving his hands in erratic motions working up a cry. But the only thing comes out is a little sound. He dramatic for no reason. He kicks his feet a little more than makes his arrival to the woke world noticeable. He yells louder this time. Cammie sits the phone down on something.
"You think you mad now." she says. "Wait til you no longer have this perfectly quiet sleeping area. Then what little guy?"
"He stopped with that tiny cry."
Cammie picks up the phone and shows me him breastfeeding. "He is too busy to do all of that."
"I'm hating."
Cammie laughs. "This won't be yours for another 5 months. He is 3 weeks old."
"Is he?"
"He was a week when you left. You have been gone for 2 weeks and a couple days."
I shake my head. "That's a long time of no titty action. Me and Caden will talk."
Cammie smiles. "Not about me you won't. Where is my first born?"
"With Forrest."
"Caden's little stomach barely had anything." Cammie says. "He is sleep once again."
I close my eyes. "He do..."
"Tremaine, I love you."
"Love you too."
"Just falling asleep on the phone." I hear Cammie say.
I try to open my eyes but my body was refusing to be woken. I just let myself fall asleep thinking about Cammie.
Alex
"Hey, Cammie."
"Hey."
I flip through the pages of the search results. "I wanted to see how you were doing."
"As good as expected I reckon."
"Right." I stand up from the computer. "This is like a business call so Imma get to it cause... I just can't turn it off when it's business. I got a block on your name and any mention of your name on any of those popular blogs. I know a lot of shit has been in the news about your sudden disappearance from the social world and Trey's partying in Europe."
"Partying?"
I look out of the large living room window. "Allegedly. They're blogs for God's sake. I just figured you rather not see the bullshit."
She sucks her teeth. "I supposed to have a person for that. So what's the business aspect of this conversation?"
"Oh that's the business."
It gets quiet for a few seconds. "So... What's going on with you that got you so bored you want to care about someone else?"
"I would be offended if you weren't a bitch."
"Hidia told me about your man problems. You stopped acting mighty yet?"
"When will I ever?" I laugh. "How is the baby?"
"He is improving."
I sigh. "You know if you need representation..."
She giggles. "I won't be calling family for it. Just kidding. I don't know how you would be able to handle Trey and his business side. His mother has someone that is familiar with his anal ass so I think that would be better."
"Is he that bad?"
"Yes." she says.
Someone knocks at my door. I look towards it like I could see who it is. I grab my house coat that barely can be called clothing.
"Someone's at my door. I'll talk to you another time." I say.
"Thank you."
"No problem."
We hang up the phone with that. I saw something in my email from her ex. That's what got me intrigued. I could have cared less before that. Like I stated I'm not about to watch my family get drag for no apparent reason. Keem needs to realize that she moved on completely and I'm not on his side.
"Why would you open the door like that?" Jamaal says walking in the house with his eyes on me.
"Cause I knew you were coming." I say sarcastically.
He hands me a small box. "I would have preferred nothing interrupting my view if it were for me."
"I'll remember that next time I invite you to my house."
"I wanted to thank you for saving me."
"Your father must not have been in your life as a kid. Poor thang. No wonder you so sissified."
He gets mad. "My father is the same as my mother. Fuck you, Alex."
I open the small box. I close the box then open it again. I have this collection of odd shaped raw pearls that sit in a clam shell on my fireplace. Jamaal gave me a big pearl that has no shape what so ever. It was also the biggest that I own. I sit it in the clam shell. It stands out from the rest because of its shape, size, and color. Unlike the ones I have this one is from the ocean. It isn't pure white. It's imperfect and I love it.
"Thank you."
"I won the bet." he says.
I turn to look at him. "You did not. She said how she was going to use my ideas. She also said that someone from her team was going to connect me about a conference like I setup for my father. You saw how impressed she was after she found out I was behind his image."
"She still didn't sign you."
I turn to the pearl. "Where did you get this from?"
"A place. A place where humans exist. A place not underwater. Currently."
"Shut up."
Jamaal touches me. I jump a bit from being startled. It was unexpected and definitely unwelcome. He had put his hands on my waist. For a second or two longer I contemplate whether or not I actually wanted him touching me. The thought wasn't what he was touching me for. Cause, you know, I'm fucking irresistible. When you add sexy lingerie and a sheer housecoat it's obvious what he is thinking. I take his hands off of me.
"So you give me a pearl and think it's open season?" I say turning around.
Of course he is still right there in my face. His rapidly moving eyes never actually reach my face though. The fact that he doesn't say anything makes it a bit awkward. Leaves me to my thoughts of what exactly it would be like to fuck him sober.
"Okay." I say moving him back. "Stand over there if you just gonna stare."
He grabs my wrist as I'm dropping it back to my side. Am I gonna have to reject this man's weak as advances until he decides to give up and accept defeat? I go to remove my hand from his grip but he tightens it then pull me to him. My body crashes into his like a rubber recoiling after being stretched. It throws me off enough for him to make his advances more than that of a college boy. He kisses me with one hand on my ass and the other on my back. Momentarily I forgot that it was Jamaal. He moves his hand towards my pussy and that sudden realization that it's Jamaal fades away yet again. It's fucking irrelevant that it's Jamaal. I don't give a fuck.
"No, my pictures." I say as my back touches the wall.
"What?"
I point to the painting that hang down like a blanket on the wall. It was literally inches away from me and too fucking expensive to be torn off the wall. Jamaal stares at the picture. When I turn my head to glance at it he sudden lifts me up in the air. I'm dropped, tossed, or placed onto the couch. Either way I want to imagine it, I land on the couch. Jamaal touches my body then starts kissing my breast. I'm not really a 4 play type of person but I let him do whatever he wants. Maybe he so wrapped up in my body he has to kiss it. I chuckle to myself. How fucking swallow of me? He takes his shirt off displaying his tight lean body.
"Oh please put that back on." I say.
"You jealous because my body looks better than this." he says looking down at my body. He slides my panties off.
"Im convinced."
He rubs his hand on my clitoris. I close my eyes. I fucking love to be touched. My pussy fucking loves anything that brushes up against it in the right way. Whether it's my thighs or someone else's body. I open my eyes as Jamaal kisses my clit. Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with him kissing my pussy. It's just do that on your own time. I like friction. No slow as kiss or whatever else. He smiles really big when I move him back.
"I was waiting." he says positioning his hips between my legs.
"Waiting on what?" I snap.
He rams his full size into me all at once. No worrying or warm up. Just 9 fucking inches of dick rammed into my pussy. I couldn't scream. As I could do was breath. He doesn't pause after that, he does it again.
"I know you don't like all that 4 play." he says.
I had the perfect comeback but it irrelevant in seconds. Only thing I wanted to say is, damn Jamaal knows how to fuck. But I'm not saying that. Fuck. I'll lose a thousand arguments tight now, if he continues to talk shit. He has the fucking right at this moment. I can't argue with the way he is fucking me. I sit up suddenly remembering what I was doing. I push him off of me.
"My fucking father is on his way here."
"You walking around naked with your father on the way? Why are you thinking about your father?"
Why was I suddenly thinking about my father? We both freeze and look towards the door. Oh, I heard the garage. He is bringing my car back that he drove to his meeting after his driver got sick. Jamaal picks up his clothes. I go into my bedroom. Damn. I throw a bra on then a tshirt that was 4 sizes too big for me. I walk into the living room. My father is coming through the kitchen.
"Once again you left your mailbox open with mail in it." he says flipping through it.
"Why are you looking through it?" I snap.
Jamaal walks out of the bathroom. "Old dude."
My father looks up. "Jamaal? That's awfully strange."
"Me using the bathroom?" he says pointing behind him.
"Yeah, sure." my father says. "I've avoided your mother enough."
I peek into the kitchen. "Where is my food?"
"You were serious about the food?" he says shocked.
"I reminded you several times. Leave my house." I say falling back on the couch.
He kisses my cheek. "I'll have the driver go get it and bring it back by."
I push him away from me with my foot. "I don't want it anymore. Go home to your wife."
"You sure? I'm going to go get it."
"Don't!"
He makes a sad face. "Okay, good night. Jamaal."
"Good night." I say.
"Where is my little split pea?" my father asks looking around.
"With my mother and father for the weekend."
"Good night." my father says again.
I'm pissed about my food but partially satisfied. "Did I not say good night?"
My father smiles. "Did you, dear?"
"Dad."
"Okay, okay." he says leaving out of the front door. He comes back in and lock the door. "You never lock this door."
"Good night!"
"Love you." he yells back shutting the door.
I blow. I had got distracted staring out the window after talking to my father about him bringing the car back. Then I got distracted by Jamaal and his dick. Good thing that garage often gets jammed and makes a lot of noise getting back on track. I was going to get it fixed but it saved me a lot of embarrassment.
"It's not even night." Jamaal says.
"You still there?" I look around the room for him.
He walks around the couch standing in front of me. His fucking smell made my pussy wet. This can be a bad thing. Good dick rules everything in my life. He may have that little girl and an unusual relationship with my father but it just might not be enough to disqualify him with a stroke like that. I put my foot on his chest and back him up from me. He eyes drop to my pussy. I wasn't trying to show it to him. I was simply telling him to back the hell up. He touches my leg gently. I smirk then stand up. I lean in his face.
"Want me to show you how good I am at using my strap on?"
"You had me for about 1 millisecond." he says then laughs. "The fuck?"
I laugh. "So for a millisecond you were my bitch."
He pushes me back on the couch. "I was about to say some fucking suspect as shit fucking with you."
"Cause you know you wanna be my bitch."
"I like you better silent."
I smirk seductively. "Shut my mouth then."
He smiles a bit then gets on the couch. I'm mentally prepared for him this time. As a result him entering me made me bust. It just might be in my head. I think about something to see whether it was all in my head. It doesn't even work. I couldn't think about nothing but him inside of me.
#BowWow#FanFic#fanfiction#treysongzfanfic#blackroses#teyanataylor#Sev7n#TreySongz#TreySongzFanFiction#ChrisBrown#sevynstreeter#Sevyn#April Tucker#100pluschapters#Jennifer#Bow Wow#black roses#Forrest Tucker#Trey Songz#chris brown#Toya#Teyana Taylor
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MY HONEST THOUGHTS ON 30 THINGS TAYLOR SWIFT LEARNED BEFORE TURNING 30
I just finished reading Taylor Swift’s article on ELLE MAGAZINE. Every single word that @taylorswift wrote expresses her lively, vivacious and elegant nature. It reminds us of all the vibrant colors that elate our life's and gives us some awesome advice's about life. Even her recent photo shoot on ELLE MAGAZINE is giving us colorful and bubbly vibes. This article not only shows how brilliant her song writing skills are but also shows us that she is an inspirational and motivational speaker as well.
Life is all about managing to overcome your hard ships, treating people kindly, conquering love and forgiving yourself for your wrong decisions.
I want to thank her for uplifting herself from anxiety and depression and giving us some truly remarkable piece of advice's.
LOVE MYSELF, LOVE YOURSELF, PEACE
30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30
By Taylor Swift
Mar 6, 2019
Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco According to my birth certificate, I turn 30 this year. It's weird because part of me still feels 18 and part of me feels 283, but the actual age I currently am is 29. I've heard people say that your thirties are "the most fun!" So I'll definitely keep you posted on my findings on that when I know. But until then, I thought I'd share some lessons I've learned before reaching 30, because it's 2019 and sharing is caring.
. I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me that I look 🔥🔥🔥. I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.
. Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. While it may be born from having been raised to be a polite young lady, this can contribute to some of your life’s worst regrets if someone takes advantage of this trait in you. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you.
Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco
. Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching. That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching.
. I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.
. Banish the drama. You only have so much room in your life and so much energy to give to those in it. Be discerning. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isn’t cruel. It’s just a simple setting on your phone that will eliminate drama if you so choose to use it.
. I’ve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we aren’t allowed to age. It’s an impossible standard to meet, and I’ve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject. Reading her words feels like hearing a voice of reason amongst all these loud messages out there telling women we’re supposed to defy gravity, time, and everything natural in order to achieve this bizarre goal of everlasting youth that isn’t even remotely required of men.Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.
. My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didn’t know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months. There was a tremendous amount of planning, expense, and effort put into keeping my fans safe. My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address I’ve ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.
. I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.
. I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.
. I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life: Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.”
. Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.
. Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say “I’m sorry, but...” and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.
. It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my sexual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience. I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.” It’s something no one would choose for themselves. We speak up because we have to, and out of fear that it could happen to someone else if we don’t.
Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco
. When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.
. Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.
. Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know...get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people? These are things a first impression could never convey.
. After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin. I now moisturize my face every night and put on body lotion after I shower, not just in the winter, but all year round, because, why can’t I be soft during all the seasons?!
. Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them.
Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco
. Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.
. Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.
. Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.
. How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers. There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.
. I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. I’ll never forget the ones who stuck around.
. I’ve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. Both of my parents have had cancer, and my mom is now fighting her battle with it again. It’s taught me that there are real problems and then there’s everything else. My mom’s cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.
. I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.
. I make countdowns for things I’m excited about. When I’ve gone through dark, low times, I’ve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (they’re free) and adding things I’m looking forward to. Even if they’re not big holidays or anything, it’s good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and it’s good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.
Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco
. I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.” It would be nice if we could get an apology from people who bully us, but maybe all I’ll ever get is the satisfaction of knowing I could survive it, and thrive in spite of it.
. I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.
. I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From birth, I had the curliest hair and now it is STRAIGHT. It’s the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, they’ve left me. Please pray for their safe return.
. My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.
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