#it doesnt benefit them for you to get actually better and manage your own pain | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

iceamericanoventi · 5 years

Text

Love Will Find a Way, Well, Eventually : 2. In Between

“Where are you going?”

If it was inside Cartoon Network’s universe, everyone must be able to see the smoke fuming from both his nostrils and ears. Jinki looks beyond distressed when he’s lifting his ass from the chair. No one on the table was his partner, but Minho decided to throw some ridiculous question then played dumb as if he didn’t just ask one.

“Should I have number one here?”

He started getting irked, but that doesn’t stay long until Kibum casually munched his breadstick while spluttering his witty comments as usual, “Surely Taemin would be delightful.”

Taemin who didn’t do anything almost chocked himself with a piece of tomato and kicked Kibum’s shin under the table, eventually.

“Promise me you won’t run away?”

Dumbfounded, Jinki emptied his pocket and almost smashed the table with his belonging.

“Are you my husband? Here’s my wallet. And my phone!” and with that, he left the other three men finishing their meal.

“Is he always in this temper?”

Lee Taemin gave him another look, pleading him not to embarrass them further, but Kibum just shrugged and muttered ‘I’m just asking’ under his nose.

“He was mad with me since this afternoon. Plus, he has lots of stuffs to think about these days. But don’t worry, he never really got mad unless you disturb his nap.”

“What is he? A bear?”

“Yaa! Kim Kibum!”

Minho couldn’t help but laugh to the scene happened before his eyes. Taemin is famous for being friendly and very expressive only if you know him, even if he’s talkative. To penetrate his bubble is very hard at first, but this man sitting across him, he seems like he’s already inside that bubble since the very beginning. He really is someone closed to him. Kibum looks mesmerizing, even in his grumbling nature. The oversize sweater wrapped his lithe build perfectly.

A phone call arrived to Kibum's phone, he picked it up frantically and excused himself to take it outside.

"What do you think?"

“Eh?” Minho doesn’t even realized he got his eyes entailed Kibum’s silhouette until it disappear by the entrance door.

“You seemed in trance. I know Kibum is beautiful but I didn’t expect you’ll be this amazed with my friend,” Taemin’s sipping his wine, a smirk is very apparent in his devious face.

“I guess it’s safe to say that you’re not a liar.”

Minho reopened his mouth few minutes after he’s assured that Kibum’s not going back any soon. Taemin is not ecstatic, sometimes he wondered if Minho has a decent sense of humor of a friend.

“For your information, I’m not and never been. I’m the most honest person you’ve ever encountered in your life.”

“Everyone in this room knows that’s not true.”

“Whatever. I might know my ways deceiving people, but I never lie to my friend.”

“Did you just admit that you’re lying here and there, Lee Taemin?”

Taemin rolls his eyes, again, probably for the nth times already this evening. Without Jinki around, he can be more relaxed on throwing his tantrum on Minho.

“Choi Minho, people lies at some certain points of their life. Get over it.”

He gulped down the rest of his wine, Taemin then called a waiter near them to bring him another one.

“Kibum seems nice. He sounds smart.”

“Sounds? Did you even listen to yourself? No writer is not smart, Choi. Moreover, someone who’s been writing the past decade!”

“I only know him for one night. Who knows he’s just acting?”

“Dude, not everyone is an asshole like you.”

“An asshole wouldn’t agree to bring his best friend along in front of a psychopath like you.”

Taemin snorted and Minho’s smirk reappeared on his face.

“That is literally what a psycho would do, selling their friend for their own benefits.”

Minho wiped his mouth before washed down the dinner with cold water, “And that’s exactly what Jinki accused me for. You two shared a brain or what?”

“Any sane people would say the same, Honey,” this time Taemin’s smirk that made the other scoffed, “By the way, what’s the deal with Jinki? He looks like he’s been sitting on thorny cushion the whole dinner!”

Minho knows Taemin would ask such question eventually. However, he couldn’t say that Jinki hates the whole dinner date plan, it’s impossible. Besides that, knowing him for years, Jinki really is an angel in disguise, well, at least when he’s in the mood.

“People have different, what should I say, defense mechanism? And that’s how he is. What kind of person who talked nonstop during their first meeting, anyway?”

“Oh, I don’t know, me?”

“That’s why you’re a freak.”

“A freak who introduced you to your potentially next boyfriend.”

“Ha. Point taken,” Minho raised his hand to ask for the dessert, “Jinki is just not the type of person who will talk a lot and open up in a second. But I guarantee you, he’s a good person. Sometimes a little bit care too much for other at certain time so probably being brazen is his forte.”

“That reminds me of someone.”

Taemin and Kibum spent their high school days together. Separated for some years due to works and educations, their relationship’s all well maintained. They understand each other, including Kibum’s nature to always put others before him at any given situation.

“Appearance wise, though, what do you think about Jinki?”

“Choi Minho, I’m not a teenager anymore. Judging people around by its cover is no longer my habit.”

“But a designer like you must love a beautiful package, don’t they?”

“Well, to be honest, his lips and eyes itself could get me floored in one glance.”

“I knew it.”

“You’re a famous photographer for a reason.”

***

Cold wind slapped Kibum’s cheeks lightly when he pushed the door and parched to the corner near the valet post.

“Okay, now you can speak. Sorry, I don’t know why the reception wasn’t good enough inside.”

“Then I’ll be frankly here. There’s a possibility for making the special edition for the short story collection. But then, we’re still short of two stories at the moment.”

“Wait, wait, but we already have nine! I finished writing nine! Why should I add another two?”

“The publisher agreed to the preposition for at least twelve stories. You should be grateful I could pitch one less story!”

Kibum looks like he’s about to punch anyone passed within radius one meter around him, but nothing in reach besides a huge pot of short palm tree and concrete wall. And he needs his hand to finish his books still.

“But, Amber. Page wise, those are more than enough to make two new books. Are they out of their mind?”

There’s a loud groan banging on his ear drum came from the other line, “Dude, I almost flipped the table when I was at the meeting you have no idea. The board has new man and that guy is a pain in the ass.”

“Would it change the circumstance if I talked to them by myself?”

“Since when do they have time to talk to the writer directly? We’re head to head with bunch of snobs here, did you forget?”

“I should had not agree to let them touched my writings. Now we’re about to face dead end.”

It was a dream to work along this publisher. It was Kibum’s dream since he started writing when he took gap year after graduated high school. And as if it’s a fate, it was the only publisher agreed with his graphic novel concept five years he climbed his career professionally.

“Listen, Kibum. When I met you years ago, I promised I’ll work my ass hard to help you publishing your books. Not because I knew you, it’s because you’re good. You’re amazing writer and I’m not giving up easily. And neither you. Not when anybody can tell that you’re a gem.”

“I haven’t written any book since last year, Amber. I’m in a slump. Writer’s block is not even describing my bad luck at the moment.”

“Honey, you haven’t written any because you’re currently waiting two books released. And if I could do my magic, another one in, let’s say, six months.”

“If I could make up some words into another story within two weeks. If you could convince them to give me mercy.”

“Did you just know me yesterday?”

Kibum’s tired giving sane response, “What do you mean?”

“I’m waiting their secretary to call me in ten minutes. We’re going to discuss some new deals and I’ll make sure one of them is going to be your new nine stories book.”

“I actually have no idea if I don’t have you as my editor slash manager slash friend slash personal ranting partner slash whatever you want to be.”

“Rockstar. That would be cool.”

“You’re going to be a kick ass one to be honest.”

“I bet. Anyway, expect another call from me in the next couple hours. I’m sorry, but tonight we might need video call to resolve some issues.”

“I hate you for confiscating my time but you’re the best.”

“As always, ain’t I?”

The phone call ends already, but he still forlornly looking at his phone’s screen. With that, Kibum remembers all the works he needs to catch up for tonight. With that, he can put aside all the unnecessary anxiety and tension of tonight’s stupid match making session.

He took a glance of his watch and could only sighed, he better hurried inside to his dessert. The faster he finished, the sooner he can hit home and face the real deal. His deadlines.

Two steps away from the entrance however, he caught a familiar face sitting by themselves, staring to the busy street in front of the restaurant.

“Jinki?” he carefully calling the man, “Lee Jinki, right?”

The later tilted his head to the right and gave Kibum a simple smile, didn’t realize it dropped Kibum’s heart by the bottom of his gut.

“Aren’t you cold?”

Everyone would agree this winter is even harsher than last year’s. Jinki just lifted his left hand to make sure Kibum saw a cigarette slipped between his fingers, “Can I sit here?”

Jinki chuckles, “Aren’t you cold?”

Listening to the same question he threw a minute ago, he just rolled his eyes and took a place next to the other man.

“I’m waiting a phone call.”

“Important?”

“Kinda.”

Jinki blew some smoke out, “Hmm, I guess so. You sounded pretty upset over there.”

“Did I scream that loud?!”

“In my opinion? No. but a girl flinched and buzzed off rather hastily, so, you tell me.”

When he saw Kibum’s gaping like a fish in frantic expression, Jinki has no choices beside laughed again, surprising Kibum who’s quite convinced with his aloof personalities.

“I didn’t know you have so many jokes in store.”

“You learn something new every day.”

“Your face doesn’t show.”

“What about my face?”

“It’s handsome but with that attitude inside, seems like you’re the type who woke up at the wrong side of the bed every single morning and could kill someone annoys you at any time.”

“Well, to be fair, I did wake up in the wrong side of my bed this morning. But it’s because a certain dog occupied half of my blanket so I couldn’t disturb her.”

“You have a dog?!”

Kibum’s face lit up thousand times as if he just won some lottery. Strangely, it warms Jinki’s heart. No, scratch that, it would warm any heart, Jinki tried to generalize the situation.

“I don’t, unfortunately. She belongs to my friend. I’m taking care of her while he’s travelling abroad. Her father will pick her up this weekend.”

“Ah, too bad. We could have play date with my boys.”

“I’ll make sure to give you a call when I decided to adopt one later.”

“Do you think my invitation hasn’t expired yet by that time?”

“A man can only dream, can’t he?”

Kibum’s laughter is muffled by his own palm covering his mouth.

“Let’s go inside, you must be shivering.”

“But your cigarette?”

Kibum’s half stuttered caught red handed, Jinki already pressed the half-done cigarette on the sand bowl on his left, “I can always have another one at home. Besides, I doubt you would go inside without me dragging you along.”

Kibum thanked the universe that the place is not well lit, so he could hide the blush creeping his cheeks. Unfortunately, Jinki has a very good eye sight.

***

“Is my baby being a good girl when daddy’s away?”

Jinki scoffed when the man just entered his living room just literally threw his suitcase aside and scooped the little dachshund running toward his embrace. He gathered the suitcase and poor leather bag on the floor and placed it neatly near the saffron color couch.

The man later dropped himself next to Jinki who’s lounged himself there, checking his phone halfheartedly.

“Minho texted me the other day.”

“Why did he keep texting you?”

The man with dark grey hair didn’t catch the frown hanging on Jinki’s face and buried his face to the dog’s belly, making him groaned again. He lightly pushed the dog further and toppled his head on the other man’s laps.

The dog owner realized something’s happened when he’s not around. He put the dog on the ground and tapped her butt to send her back to her small bed near the pantry.

“Minho has my number and I have his name in my contact list. He can text me whenever he wants. Still jealous?”

Jinki closed his eyes when he started playing with his hair, “He’s still one of the reasons we broke up.”

“Baby, the only reason we broke up is because neither of us didn’t want to succumb into marriage. Minho was just a handsome face happened on the wrong time.”

“I have no idea why I still befriend him when it’s clear he wanted to shove his face to yours, all the damn time.”

“And I have no idea that you’re this type who holds the grudge for a long time. We were already out of relationship back then.”

“Still, a friend wouldn’t openly chase after their friend’s ex.”

“A friend wouldn’t, but a best friend would.”

“Whatever.”

He almost lost his control and slapped Jinki’s head of him, “Oh, come on. What’s bothering you this time?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit. It’s written all over your face the second I saw you behind the door. And I’m pretty sure it’s not because my daughter misbehaved while I’m on my annual pediatric conference.”

Jinki sighed, nothing he could really hide it from the other man. Since they were in their almost five years relationship, since they became best friends around three years prior.

“Minho invited me for a dinner night.”

“Wow, fancy,” actually Minho already texted him about the dinner a bit, how he wanted to introduce Jinki to some acquaintance he has, “He gave up on me so he went for the only option?”

“For the record, your mom agreed that I’m way much sexier than you.”

“Three years ago, before your cheek bones buried under those mount of fluffy fat.”

“Said a man who came to me and straight ahead told me I looked cute after leaving a piece of paper with their number on my table.”

“I will put aside the fact that I love how romantic you’re for still remembering our first meeting but let’s back to the right path here because I don’t like the upset you. It’s fucking annoying.”

“He introduced me to someone, Jonghyun.”

He let out inaudible gasp and thanked the universe Jinki’s still closing his eyes. Otherwise, he would stop at once and avoided any discussion of the main reason which distressed his ex-boyfriend. Knowing the scenario before hands didn’t prevent him with the sheer pain graze him when it came from Jinki’s mouth himself.

“So? Isn’t that great? Do you think it’s about time?”

“I was about to argue that two years are still not enough to get over you but I guess you’re not in the same page with me so I’d say that I’m not interested into some relationship whatsoever at this point.”

Jonghyun wanted to cry listening to such words. His heart clenched, he inhaled – a very long one – before he continued caressing Jinki’s forehead.

“I am flattered, but I know you’re just teasing me.”

“Ha, you know me so well.”

“I’m not gonna fall on the same hole, Lee.”

“You won’t. You’re too smart to repeat the torture on the loop.”

“It wasn’t a torture, Jinki. I love you as much as you do. Or maybe just slightly more.”

“Not a chance. I love you more.”

“Stop it or I will kiss you.”

“I dare you.”

“I told you I’m not gonna fall on the same hole.”

“Smart, very smart,” Jinki opened his eyes only to find Jonghyun sticking his tongue out, “Okay, so at first, I don’t like the idea already. You know I hate any type of match making method. Even the online one. But being there, I realized that my current focus doesn’t involved other party besides me, my business, and—“

“And your grandfather?”

Jinki looks annoyed, “Remind me to add ‘always-cutting-people-sentence’ on the list of reasons why I broke up with you when I’m writing my journal tonight.”

“It’s true. I think he was also the cock blocker during our relationship back then.”

“Dude, we’re talking about my gramps. And to put him on the same category with Minho is beyond weird.”

“We already broke up when Minho made his move, for Pete’s sake!”

“Okay, okay! No need to raise your voice, you’re so scary when you’re angry.”

“Then don’t make me! Now, now, can you please be a normal human being so we can talk like adults for once?”

Jinki pulled himself from the couch to the pantry, snatching a pack of cigarette on the tea table before slipped one on the corner of his mouth.

“Can you not smoking inside?”

He snorted and padded to the direction of his balcony. It’s in the middle of winter but he doesn’t care a bit to the wind ready to slaughter his bones. If tomorrow the cold prevented him to leave the bed, then let it be. For once, he just wants to free his mind from the business.

“You need to remember that I can only treat patient on certain age,” Jonghyun followed few minutes after with a blanket he spread as wide as possible to cover both of them without feeling suffocated for standing too close.

“The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends people be under pediatric care up to the age of 21, though.”

“Did you just quote Wikipedia? And we’re not in fucking States! Above and beyond, shame on your wrinkles!”

“Rude.”

“You’re the rude one to your lungs!”

“Then tell me how to ease my mind without nicotine! Tell me how to forget all those troubled night and just sleep! Do you think it’s easy taking care of worrisome business and messy family without distraction?! Stop talking non sense if you do know how to save my days!”

Any word seems taboo once Jinki exploded. Both man just staring into the dark evening below Jinki’s unit. People paraded as quickly as possible on the street to fight the harsh weather. It’s not that late, but only few cars passed by. The dim light of the street lamp’s soothing the tense atmosphere in a way.

Jonghyun leaned closer to Jinki’s arm and rested his head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you with that.”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“You know that you can always talk to me right?”

“I’m tired bothering you. You already have a lot in your hands.”

“Besides my patients and Roo, there’s nothing really confiscated my time.”

Having someone like Jonghyun who would stand next to him, scold him then hug him right after, no matter how awful he behaved and treated the other man, Jinki every so often thinking what kind of good deeds he did in his previous life.

Jinki cocked his head, inhaling the trace of scent of Jonghyun’s favorite shampoo. Initially, he was about to kiss the top of his head, like he used to do when the other man leaned on him for whatever reason it was. He remember, though, the earlier period after their broke up – after settling their feelings for few months of course – the shorter man told him not to do that anymore because it was the doctor’s Achilles heel. So instead, he rubs his cheek over the thick hair, silently telling Jonghyun he’s sorry.

Some nights – especially right after that dinner date – he had thought, maybe one of the reason he reprimands Minho’s idea is just because he still has tiny hope that Jonghyun and him might had another chance in the future.

“From time to time, I was thinking that the more day passed, we’re closer to the image of friends with benefit.”

“Friends with benefit? Tsk,” Jonghyun slapped his forearm, “The only benefit I got from you is you’re the only perfect nanny for Roo when I’m away.”

“Those cups of coffee every single time you stopped by my shop?”

“Pfft. How stingy. I’m leaving.”

“Heartless.”

Jonghyun didn’t say anything more and returned inside to gather his things and called Roo. He desperately needs some hot shower. Somewhere inside him, he was expecting Jinki offering him to stay the night knowing how caring the man and the fact Jinki knows he bolted to the other’s apartment right away after landed.

When Jinki handed him the leash, that hope vanished in second.

“What if later I really considered this person? Or any other person collided with me on the future?”

Jonghyun smiled, he looks tired, but very sincere, “Then good.”

“Because I’m not gonna bother you anymore?”

“No. Because you’ll have someone to share the happiness with.”

***

cross-posted in my AFF

#shinee fiction #shinee scenario #LWFAWWE

5 notes · View notes

supergirlimaginesfic-blog · 7 years

Text

Lena Luthor x reader (Couldn’t stand a chance; not against you)

Request: Can you do a lena x reader : where the reader doesnt think they have a chance with lena because they think that she has feelings for kara but she likes the reader instead

a/n: so, I guess it’s pretty obvious that I’ve added another component of media to complement the reading experience, and here’s my first ever go at it!!! There’s only so many of the same gifs I can use for these posts tbh, LOL. I am seriously having the time of my life though... It’s so much easier writing this particular style of fan fic and being able to envision so many different lives this way - there’s really so much freedom and I am absolutely loving every moment of it. Thank you all for sticking around and thanks to those who dropped by and read something I’ve written. I truly appreciate every last one of ya :D

this was a really fun one but also a bit challenging. I feel like I’ve taken a bit of a different direction than what I’m usually predisposed to and totally cranked up all the angst I could muster for this... Who knows why I was in such a mood to be an angst monster. I guess I figured this one in particular deserved it. I think I can happily say I’m pretty proud of this one!!

- - - - -

If anyone were to ask you to describe your life, you would perhaps say it’s remained rather happily uncomplicated thus far, and you’d coasted for the better part of the two decades of your happy-go-lucky life. You left high school and the rest of your worries behind, ready for the next chapter in your life.

You messed around a little bit before eventually buckling down to attend a small community college and chase your diploma - much to your pleasant surprise, you somehow managed to graduate on the dean’s list.

Now, you find yourself starting as a tattoo apprentice, something you absolutely did not go to school for but stumbled upon in a serendipitous stroke of events. Naturally, you said yes to the opportunity when it presented itself.

You’ve come to understand that in life, things more often than not have a long-winded way to go about being; things that are meant to be come to fruition right as you’re ready, and yet they are realized long after you can be aware of what’s happened. Before you know it, you’re changed - and that is the truth of the very reactionary nature of the privilege that is to exist.

As it was, you’re just like anyone else, trying to find the precarious balance of standing out of the way of things you can’t fight with, and taking action for the things you so badly wanted and to fight for them.

Still, you would admit you were a lover more than a fighter - and still you think that’s the shittiest cliche known to mankind. You’ve come to learn that the two aren’t mutually exclusive - you often in fact found yourself dancing on the precipice of both realities at once.

So how on earth possibly were you to know if you would fight for what you love, or love what you want to fight for, or whatever else tired trope have you? You certainly did not know.

It’s a conundrum indeed to be a respectful person, and even more so a challenge to respect yourself enough and to believe you deserve certain guarantees of happiness, just like anyone else.

If you were confronted with the choice of getting what you so deeply wanted in your heart, but doing so would be at the cost of irreparably hurting the one you desired at all, what would you even choose?

You find yourself contemplating such tenets as they applied to your life inside a relatively swanky cafe, staring blankly at the cup in your hand as if it had all the answers to your questions, which frankly is quite a lot to ask of your coffee.

“(Y/N)?” a voice calls out to pull you from the void, and you come back feeling as if you’d just spent some time underwater.

The rush of noise fills your ears as you look up at your coffee drinking and philosophizing companion, Lena Luthor. She’s the image of concern and curiosity as she coaxes you tentatively.

“Are you alright, darling?”

Whatever look of vaguely pained contemplation you have on your face dissipates immediately at the sight of her. Despite yourself, the smile comes so easily to you and that in itself should set the alarms in your head right off.

You think you might stare a little bit too long at her, her pink glossed lips just short of a slight frown, and you think about how much you want to wipe the sadness away from her lips when you realize that simply answering her would suffice.

However, the simple and honest truth was that Lena rendered you profoundly useless most times, and it took admittedly a lot to leave you that certain type of incoherent - this alone is a testament enough to the sheer power one Lena Luthor had over your entire being.

“Yeah- sorry, I was just thinking.”

“Anything pressing that you’d benefit from talking about? It seemed you were rather taken by it.”

Your face softens at her and you feel yourself instantly relax.

“No, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I zoned out, I hope it wasn’t anything too important that I just clocked out of,” you grimace at your apparent disregard of your conversation with Lena.

She observes you wordlessly and looks as if she’s about to say something, but at the last moment, she decides against it and just smiles, a reflection of your own fondness.

“There’s no need to apologize, I know how busy you are at the shop. How’s the tattooing going?”

You sit up in excitement. “It’s so great! Everything’s really coming together. I’m not actually tattooing yet, I’m practicing on fake skin for a while but a lot of the sketches I have up on instagram are getting some attention. I think when I do eventually start working on people, I’ll have my work cut out for me.”

She smiles at you and her eyes light up, “I’m so proud of you, I know how much you’ve really fallen in love with the art. You were so worried in the beginning; I’m really happy to see you didn’t let your fear take control of you.”

You remember it all too well. Lena was there from the very start, and you in fact are indebted to her in a very holistic way for convincing you to test the waters. She was such a vital part in helping you push your boundaries, and you know that’s another flag to throw up in the grand scheme of all the ways in which Lena made you a better person.

“Yeah, well, I only ever take advice from people smarter than me,” you give her a sly grin and laugh when she rolls her eyes.

“It doesn’t take a genius to see you have talent, but you flatter me.”

“It certainly helps when you have one in your corner though.”

She gives you another one of her fond smiles, one that always supplies just that little bit more of belief that maybe, just maybe, you’re wrong about all this. You refuse to think much about it though - it’s the only way you’ve survived all this time.

“You know I will always be in your corner,” she says. “I don’t think I could stop rooting for you even if I wanted to.”

“Have you even tried?” you ask, raising an eyebrow in question.

You were just joking, but you can’t help but feel the immediate weight of the implications that came with your question and you can’t take it back now - not when you’ve already thrown it out there.

You can only hope the answer doesn’t disappoint you.

Lena’s eyes flutter as she blinks, her eyes move downward when she reaches to take a drink from her cup. She waits another moment before she answers.

“I don’t think I’ve any reason to do that,” she says quietly. “Unless you want me to?"

A smug smile comes back to her lips as she throws out a challenge of her own.

You breathe just a bit deeper and lean imperceptibly closer across the table. Your eyes trail down to Lena’s lips and you let a small smile form on your lips.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to... a smart woman like you ought to know that.”

You hear her sharp intake of breath and glance up to see her eyes fixed on your lips. She peels her eyes away just an instant later and meets your gaze.

She hums in consideration before she answers you, “why do I have the notion that you’re giving me some sort of permission?”

You can’t help but smirk; this delicately tense exchange is so natural with you two and you’re loath to admit you live for the slight thrill it gives you.

At this point, however, you’ll take anything you can get that Lena gives you - you know that could very well be all she is able to offer you.

“It’s your world, Lena. We’re merely rocks just orbiting around you.”

You lean back in your chair and throw your arm easily over the back, still reeling at the charged conversation that is such a common theme with you and Lena.

There’s a flash of the same look in her eyes, but you dismiss it immediately as a product of your wishful thinking - you know better than to let yourself get too hopeful, especially now.

Lena gives you another soft smile, shaking her head as she leans back in her seat and crosses her legs.

Just then, you’re reminded of the reality you’re currently living in and the dull ache that usually sits neatly in your chest becomes just that much sharper.

Perhaps in another life, you could sit here and not have to pretend. Perhaps in that life, you could reach your hand across the table for Lena’s - to feel the softness of it in yours and feel the world’s weight in gold in her fingertips.

It’s not that life, however, and you become painfully aware of that fact when you see Kara’s cherubic face beaming at the sight of you two and she waves happily, approaching from the entrance of the coffee shop.

Lost in her own train of thought, Lena just has the time to subconsciously react to the new presence that’s standing near her, and the smile that spreads across her face when she sees who’s beside her nearly kills you.

As if she didn’t know already who it was.

You’re finding it increasingly difficult to tame your bitterness.

Kara, you’ve learned with much bullheaded reluctance, walks through the walls that are fortified around her effortlessly and she’s always none the wiser to it - even in your festering resentment of your circumstance, you find some sliver of sincerity whenever you smile at her, mostly out of politeness, and hate immediately how easily the sentiment mixes in with genuine goodwill.

You want to hate Kara, but you can’t. How could you, when you see just how remarkable of a person she is?

How could you hate someone like Kara? How could you hate Kara? How could you hate Kara who was literally Supergirl? How could you ever bring yourself to hate Kara who personified goodness, Kara who was so unfairly wonderful, Kara who was beautiful both inside and out, Kara whose ass the sun literally shines out from?

How could you bear to look at yourself in the mirror and know you are the bad guy of your own story?

You want to hate Kara - Kara and her altruistic sense of unfailing kindness. Kara is loving, and just, and you know all too well how undeserving the world is of her; Kara, whose existence is really an honour that blesses everyone who merely looks at her, and does so much more for those who actually know her.

You don’t hate Kara - you despise what ugly monster you become in the wake of your deepest insecurities and you know the roaring decapitated head of jealousy is the spitting likeness of your own face.

You want to hate Kara, but you know with all honesty that you only resent the fact that she makes Lena smile in a way you wish you could.

You think you hate Kara because she makes you feel inferior, but the simple truth of the matter was that you could never compete with her even if you had the shameless audacity to do so.

How could you possibly think you, a mortal of Earth, would ever stand a chance against a godly, celestial being like Kara?

Lena sees the same expression on your face again from when you blanked out earlier and she really does look like she’s about to confront you on your bullshit this time.

There are other plans from the universe though, and you become ever cognizant of the life you will never live (but you still hold on to that stubborn hope anyway). You feel moderately relieved that you’re spared of that conversation.

“Hey, (Y/N), Lena. I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Kara smiles, though she looks like even she can sense the unspoken conversation that’s occurring between you and Lena.

Lena tips her head to the side, a wordless question suspended in the air as she stares at you - some inexplicable sadness is plain on her face and for the life of you, you can’t figure out why.

“It’ll be fine,” Lena says.

You refuse to listen to the voice in your head telling you that Lena is also doubling her words to address you specifically.

“Were you just dropping by for some food?” she asks Kara.

Kara begins to shift on her feet, becoming increasingly uncomfortable with each passing second.

“Uh, actually, I don’t think you remember- which is totally okay if you don’t! You’re very obviously busy with... CEO... things, and no one can blame you. It’s just, you texted me to meet you here, like an hour ago? It’s on the way to L-Corp? I’m supposed to interview you for another story, but we can totally postpone it for later, Snapper even said I could take my time with it and if you’ve got more important things to address-”

“Oh!” Lena snaps out of whatever daze she was in and slips effortlessly into business mode. “Right, I am so sorry, Kara. I’ve lost track of the time entirely.”

You lament the physical limitations of your human form and the very rude inability to not sink further into your chair, or just disappear from life altogether as you watch Lena scramble to explain herself.

That gut feeling in your chest has lurched considerably and sits just at the pit of your stomach - the sudden desire to dry-heave overcomes you.

For her part, Lena looks visibly remorseful when she looks at you and you really, really wish she’d stop being such a good person for once and just stop giving a shit about you, if only to spare you the pity on her face of you having to share her time and implore for her attention like the martyr she is.

“I apologize for having to cut our conversation so abruptly, (Y/N). Will you just be around here for a little longer, or...?” Her question trails off with a little less confidence than she started with, another silent one left voiceless in the shadow of self-doubt.

When you speak up, you have the decency to cringe at the hoarseness of your voice, rough with whatever cocktail of unpleasant feelings you downright refuse to acknowledge at the present moment.

“Yeah-” you clear your throat, “yeah, I’ll just hang around a bit. I don’t have to be at the shop until much later anyway, I’ll probably kill some time riding around.”

Your mouth twitches in what you’d hoped would be a reassuring smile, but you are more than positive it comes out as a pained scowl - you bring a hand to the back of your neck and rub awkwardly, a nervous habit you never could get rid of.

Lena blinks the mild distress from her eyes and you refuse to acknowledge it, staring at the coffee you’re going to chug and toss out as soon as you can get the hell out of there.

She nods silently as she accepts your weak answer and gets up to collect her belongings.

“I’ll see you later then,” she says.

“Yeah, for sure.”

Lena looks like she’s about to say something else, something like ‘text me later’, or, ‘can I call you after?’, which is usually what occurs without prompting anyway, but this time both of you can feel it’s just different.

Something’s shifted and both of you are disinclined to state the obvious.

She doesn’t say anything else. You don’t bother to reach out for the follow up you know you’re both wanting.

Kara is looking aggressively at anywhere but you and Lena - she snaps her attention back to you when she realizes Lena is set.

She does a much better job than you and Lena at gracious ignorance - though perhaps, she isn’t really faking it at all and smiles, “it was nice seeing you, (Y/N)! I’ll see you around!”

You lift a hand up in a feeble wave, your mouth pressed into a tight line as you bid them goodbye.

Deciding that you can’t sit in the suffocating air of the coffee shop for much longer, you all but rush to the entrance after giving Lena and Kara a few moments to get ahead.

You realize then, in your thoughtlessness, that perhaps your solution wasn’t the best as you move to put your helmet over your head and catch a glimpse of their departing figures.

You don’t want to watch, and you valiantly rip your gaze away with a heaviness you refuse to name. Still, you know - it’ll take quite a lot of nearly everything you have and everything you know to forget the image of the girl who has your heart (and is blissfully ignorant of that very fact) as she walks away from you with someone else by her side.

You start your bike and rev the engine when you mount it. You push off into the opposite direction, hardly surprised at all that you have somewhere to go before you’ve ever properly considered it.

Perhaps you had indeed thought about it and were just too preoccupied to realize, or perhaps you fell back on an instinctive inclination and named the first place that came to mind when you thought about solitude - regardless of the method, you heed your heart and find yourself driving towards the National City limits.

With the promise of a place where you can watch the skyline and ruminate the entirety of your circumstance in silence and with the feel of the wind pressing all around you as you speed up on the gradually empty roads, you feel just a little bit lighter.

You know you can spend hours on your cliff point, marvelling at the landscape and the vastness of your smallness when you’re forced to see perspective like this.

You hadn’t prepared for the little bit of a roadtrip that became of your journey whenever you ventured outside of the city - though that always ended up being the case whenever you found yourself here.

Without fail, you spend the rest of your day among nature and hadn’t even realized the time you spent on these hills. You think a beautiful kept-away place like your view of National City’s skyscrapers deserves better than you only visiting in turmoil, but you resolve that perhaps that’s precisely its allure.

You left your phone on silent, noting the lack of messages or calls on your phone and you think, ‘of course’ and also, ‘what really else is there to be expected?’.

The shop hadn’t even called you, and you feel a sudden wave of guilt at completely disappearing on them. At the same time, you do know they are all quite lax, almost to the point of irritating negligence - now more than ever, you appreciate their casual disregard.

You fall into a mindless routine of work, Netflix, and food. The next few days blur together and are spent in near radio silence - your phone hasn’t blown up save for the occasional notification from one of your social media accounts, and though you’re completely bummed out about not hearing from Lena, you also know it’s ultimately better this way.

That doesn’t mean it hurts any less, though.

You’re parked outside the shop and you stand near the door as you observe the goings-on of the street around you. Suddenly, you hear a voice calling to you and then you see Kara coming up to you.

“Hey! (Y/N!)”

You don’t have the time to process much as she comes closer with her arms outstretched for an embrace. You automatically open your arms and wait for Kara to come to you.

You let your arms wrap around her without even thinking about it.

“Kara, how’s it going?”

“All’s well, I’m doing well!”

You pull away from the hug and she continues, “it’s actually great that I caught you now, I was literally just about to text you and Lena about a get-together at my place tonight.

“I totally get it’s too soon and if you already had something else planned then I absolutely understand- it’s just, I don’t think the superfriends have seen much of each other in a long time and I wanted to fix that! There’ll be tons of food, I already called the Chinese place on 5th for three party platters, and the place with the really amazing jerk chicken that’s spicy enough that even I could taste it, and I got Alex to stock up on chips!”

“Kara,” you smile in spite of yourself, trying to interrupt her excited ramble. “Don’t knock yourself out, you don’t need to convince me. I’ll be there, armed with gifts of a 2-4 of beer and enough donuts to feed a small army.”

“If you make it the donut holes from the bakery on King, I’d love you forever and ever.”

“Yeah, alright, you got it.”

“Yes!” Kara fistpumps the air. “You are a hero.”

You roll your eyes at the irony of her statement - you figure she must let funny phrases like that come out of her mouth often, the irony entirely lost on her.

“I was going to bug Lena about it but I have to rush back to work, Snapper’s putting the pressure on and the office is super hectic right now. You can go ahead and text her for me though, I’m sure she’d really love to have a break and talk to you.”

You look up at her face and wonder if there’s any underlying context in her suggestion.

She’s smiling at you and then tilts her head in concentration, perhaps listening for something a human couldn’t possibly pick up.

“Okay, I really have to go now. Text Lena about the get-together for me! I’ll see your wonderful donut bearing face at mine! Come any time around 7!” she calls over her shoulder and waves as she leaves.

You shake your head and just stand there for a moment, processing the flurry of constant motion that is Kara’s existence. Suddenly, you get a text message.

Lena: “Hey, I just wanted to check in on you. We haven’t really spoken since we convened at the coffee shop. Is everything alright?”

You stare at the message, wondering how you were going to answer. It seemed like forever ago that you and Lena last spoke; sometimes, you two have gone on for much longer without so much as a hello, but you both took it in stride.

This time though, it feels different. There was still the charged tension between you, and you surmised that you both knew this. The days apart felt like weeks, and you scoff at your initial apprehension.

As if you would ever ignore Lena even if you had the option to.

You stop kidding yourself and just message her.

you: “yeah, it’s been alright. It should be me asking you though, I guess the office is keeping you hostage these past few days?”

Lena: “Ugh, I don’t even care to get into it. I can’t imagine what it’d do to you if it already bores me to death.”

Your mouth twitches into a smile. You get the unbidden feeling of wanting to stop by her office, some takeout from her vegan restaurant of choice in hand to make sure she’s eaten something. You consider the thought, but tamper it down just a bit more.

you: “I just saw Kara by the shop, she’s having a hang out at her place for the crew tonight. Will you be the princess stuck up in her high, lonely tower of corporate woe again?”

Lena: “I think I’d rather much die before I spend any more time past the hour of wine o’clock in this office. I will definitely be there.”

You laugh at her reply, forgetting you’d ever spent the past few days dejected and miserable without contact from her.

You try not to think about how severe your dependence has become and how easily it is for you to slip back into each other’s lives.

you: “that’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind! Did you want me to pick you up?”

Lena: “Don’t push your luck. Not even you could convince me to get on the back of a motorcycle.”

you: “there is such thing as walking ;)”

Lena: “It never hurts to make sure! No need for that though, I might run a bit late and I wouldn’t want to hold you up. But thank you for your offer :) I’ll see you there.”

You let the conversation end there as you put your phone away, feeling lighter than you ever have in the entire time you and Lena exchanged not a single word for days.

There’s no denying the relief you feel, and you’ve resigned for now to just accept it for what it is.

You’ll ween yourself off of your ever-growing feelings for her eventually.

You spend a lot of your time conceding the fight, not really knowing when, and more disconcertingly, if you even will at all.

A lot of your time, you realize, is spent in a happy, light preoccupation with all things Lena, and the rest of your time is spent in utter peril and haunted by all things Lena and knowing what can’t be.

Even in a room full of your greatest friends, you still find yourself spending a lot of time in a reclusive stupor, and you know you should be better than that - your friends deserve your attention.

Still, you’re keeping back, watching the gaggle of Winn, Maggie, Alex, Kara, and James bickering and arguing loudly over a cowering Settlers of Catan board. Lena arrived a bit later as she said she would, but insisted to not partake in playing, and she seemed content in her decision as she spectated the game in quiet amusement.

You found yourself at the kitchen washing the multitude of dishes; somehow you managed to convince Kara and the rest of the gang to start the game, all of you knowing Kara could very well have cleaned everything up in a matter of seconds if you’d let her.

You won out in the end, the others excitedly getting into competitive mode quickly as you stayed back in the kitchen and watched the ordeal unfold. Lena had a soft look about her for the better part of the night, seeming to not be fully present, and you figure it’s very much similar to how you are at the very moment too. You wondered what she’s thinking about.

You’d catch her glance often; neither of you saying anything and neither of you extending an invitation to start a conversation. You still smiled at her all the same, and she returned the smile, and she’d be back in her silent reverie and you’d go back to your own state of meditation.

You think a few times, you see her shift in her seat like she’s chocked up some resoluteness and would make her way towards you, but she’d always backed out at the last moment, and you’d politely ignore that you’d noticed anything at all.

“You’re doing an awfully superb job at washing that one plate, for like, five minutes now.” Lucy comes up to you instead with a smug grin as she takes a seat at the barstool by the island.

You roll your eyes and twist your mouth in an attempt to damper the smirk that’s promptly forming on your lips.

“Yes ma’am,” you salute sloppily and purposely let the soap duds on your arm flick in her direction.

She clicks her tongue and shoots you look, you grin as finally put the plate away. You see that Lena has taken notice of your interactions.

“What’s got you all in your emo state of mind?”

“Pfft, nothing.”

Lucy’s eyes grow incredulously at you as she stares - you realize the subtle hint of offense that’s in her expression and she looks at you in no uncertain terms which silently conveys the very loaded question, do you really think you can fool me?

“Yeah, sure. Even without all the military training, even a civvy could see you’re an absolutely shit liar.”

“And even with all those high accolades and accomplishments of yours, Major, I don’t think a therapist is in your job description.”

“No, but I could always give it a shot as a friend,” her expression softens and she gives you a reassuring smile. You return the smile and drop the banter. You allow yourself to let go of some of the tension you’ve been holding.

“Seriously, what’s up? You wanna talk about it? Or we could not, both are perfectly fine for me. In fact, I usually prefer the latter in most situations.”

You breathe in deeply and exhale slowly, leaning your forearms onto the counter and let your hands hang over the sink. You only smile slightly at her attempt at a joke.

“You ever feel like you can’t compete with someone? Like you’re trying too hard to work on yourself, but then there’s this- there’s this unfairly amazing person who gets added into the mix, and they’re always setting the bar higher?

“The bar is always being pushed impossibly higher because that’s just who they are and you’re stretching yourself thin just trying to get on their level, and you’re just... there’s that unfortunate realization you have that even if you did manage to get there, you still wouldn’t be half the person they are. Not at all.”

Lucy lets out a low whistle and chuckles derisively, “Oh boy, don’t I know it.”

You scoff in agreement, nodding your head at her silence.

“They’re in this room, aren’t they?”

“Who?” you ask a bit too quickly.

“You know damn well who, (Y/N). You thought about them right as I said that. You didn’t have to say anything for me to know you instantly thought of someone.

“They’re on your mind, they always are on your mind. Whoever it is you’re competing with, or whoever it is you’re trying to reach out for. Maybe both. They’re here, aren’t they?”

You don’t answer immediately, you in fact don’t feel like you want to answer that specific question at all, but your silence is answer enough for Lucy.

“Yeah, that’s some real tough shit,” she says.

The two of you are silent again in contemplation. You begin to wonder if there’s really any resolution that will come from this. Still, you have it in your heart to thank Lucy for her attention. You seem to both have a similar way of handling emotional matters.

She speaks up and interrupts your reverie, “well, there’s not much I can say about that, except you need to stop selling yourself short. You’ll only ever be half the person you think you are because you’ll beat yourself up to get to that point. And that’s sure as hell not fair to you. That’s self-sabotage, buddy, and if you want to be a better person for someone else, if not even for yourself first, then you need to start believing that you’re top shit.

“Unless you’re an absolute ass of a person, which I know you are not - usually,” you smirk at her backhanded compliment, “then I really don’t believe you are anything other than a remarkable person, let alone less than half of some bullshit standard you think you see in someone else.”

“For all your scrappy looks and unfailingly successful intimidation tactics, you sure do have a way of making me feel special, Miss Lane,” you smile in spite of yourself.

“You think I’m intimidating?” she grins, and you so wish you could backpedal. Of course that was the only thing Lucy got from your remark.

You reply mechanically, “you are a very intimidating person and it can be argued that one might even think it is vaguely hot.”

You hope your sarcasm is clear enough in your retort, but you suspect even in the face of blatant mistruths, Lucy Lane is the type of person who takes any compliments she gets in stride.

“You don’t need to feed my ego for me to help you, but I appreciate the sentiments all the same, (Y/N),” she says flippantly.

You roll your eyes, coming to learn you are indeed correct in your presumptions and you flick water at her, grinning at her disgruntled look.

“Alright, do you trust me?” she asks.

“Yeah...” it comes out more as a question than a conviction.

Lucy comes closer to your face, leaning in slowly as your eyes widen slightly in surprise.

“What are you-”

“I’m gonna get really close to your face.”

“Yes, I definitely see that-” you say.

“And I’m gonna get so very close and it’ll raise some alarms with whoever’s watching us right now, at this very moment.”

“Uh, yeah, okay, but-”

Lucy gets closer until there’s barely any space between you, her eyes level with yours and you can actually feel the breath from her lips as she speaks.

“And I’m gonna see the truly hilarious image of you looking like you’re about to shit your pants, but I’m not gonna laugh about it yet, because we’re going to stare at each other really intensely and we’re not going to say anything else.”

You merely stare at her, paralyzed with confusion and bewilderment, your mouth opening and closing like a fish as your gaze at her wordlessly, and she takes it as your affirmation.

“So now you’re going to look around to the direction of whoever your person is, subtly!” she adds quickly, “you’ll do it subtly - make it casual for god’s sake. And if I’m right about anything, which I am all the time, you’re going to catch their gaze and you’ll get the very nagging thought of ‘why do they look jealous?’. Am I right?”

You take another moment to process her absurd instructions before you tear your eyes away from her mischievous ones slowly, eventually landing on the group and Lena’s questioning expression.

As impressed as you are with Lucy’s uncannily accurate commentary, you refuse to believe that there’s a low simmering anger in Lena’s look as she looks between you and Lucy. You really cannot afford any more delusions regarding your feelings.

“You know what, that means absolutely nothing.”

“It means nothing, or you want it to mean nothing?” Lucy pulls away and leans back into her chair in a socially acceptable distance, smiling smugly.

You realize she’s never fixed her eyes on anything but you, and you feel a deeper respect for Lucy for not following your gaze to identify the person you’ve been talking about in question - she lets you keep the secret of your unrequited feelings, and you really admire her integrity for that.

You stare at her, and as much as you have a newfound admiration for her, you’re slowly realizing with begrudging acceptance that Lucy’s nearly got you in a corner. Turns out, she is an impressive counsellor, indeed.

“I don’t want it to mean nothing,” you mutter under your breath.

You think she hasn’t heard you, and you’re kinda glad she didn’t if you were being honest with yourself, but then she’s clapped her hands together and you flinch at the abrupt noise.

“Well! Would you look at that, then it doesn’t have to be nothing! Do something about it,” she says easily, as if it were the simplest solution. Perhaps, it really is.

You can’t help the bitterness that laces your rebuttal, “I can’t compete with a goddamn superhero, Lucy.”

She pauses and glances at you when she hears your comment - any fleeting look of deeper understanding in her eyes eludes you before you can even try to spot it, but without missing another beat, she replies, “frankly, if there’s anything we learned just right now, it’s that I don’t think you have to compete at all.”

She says nothing else as she takes two bottles of beer from the pack and opens the first one with the other, placing it roughly on the counter near your hand before she takes the second bottle and pops the cap off easily with her teeth.

“Lena invited me to the L-Corp gala tomorrow,” you mention quietly.

“And? Don’t tell me you’re gonna bail on her.”

“No. Kara will be there too.”

“And?” she asks more pointedly. “What’s your point? Because I don’t see any.”

You sigh harshly, “I don’t know, damn it. I don’t know if I can handle that shit.”

“Just go, don’t be an idiot. Kara’s there because she has to be. She’s Supergirl, and it sucks to say it but there’s something about Lena that makes every alien and human with one bad motive have a hard on for terrorizing her. But the fact is, Lena asked you to go because she wants you there.”

The comment is flippant, but it’s enough to make you stop and feel the familiar sinking feeling in your gut again. You’re trying hard to not get your hopes up, you really are. There are just some off-handed remarks that demand your attention, and you so wish to just be able to ignore the simple truth in some of them.

“Quit your moping, it’s such an ugly look on you - and you’re hotter than that. Moreover, I really don’t believe you’re going to get any of this shit done,” Lucy waves her hand at the sink full of dishes, “so I think it’s time you get your butt on a couch and start heckling the others with me.”

She has a wolfish smile on her face as she begins to scheme. You take her moment of distraction to get a wet rag and you snap it in her direction, laughing at the shock you’ve given her.

“Thanks, Lucy.”

She hums, “no need to thank me just yet. Call me back when it all pays off, though. Then you can treat me to lunch, or drinks, or constant affirmations of how beautiful and smart and talented I am. I’m not picky.”

She winks at you as she climbs off the barstool, grinning over her shoulder as she makes her way to the others.

You shake your head again and take a few minutes to breathe. You’re considering the conversation you just had and you wonder if Lucy is right. Even if she was, though, is the risk really so worth it to take?

Maybe you could rock the boat and put your feelings out there in the open, but that didn’t mean Lena felt the same way. There are so many repercussions to consider.

You dry your hands on a towel and take a swig of the beer Lucy so graciously opened for you. You catch Lena’s eye again but her face is devoid of any telling expressions.

When you finally get to the table, Winn and Kara are arguing over bricks and sheep, nearly wrestling over each other and arguing their case to a smug looking Alex - presumably, they’re all entrenched in a multi-trade stand off and Alex looks to be enjoying her time messing with the two and stringing them along.

“This seat taken?” you ask Lena as you hover near the empty spot on the couch beside her.

She looks up at you tips her head in the affirmative. You nod your head wordlessly and take your place, looking up as Lucy watches you and raises her bottle to you in recognition.

You smile at the action and raise your own slightly, both of you taking a drink and then she jeers at Alex. You laugh at Alex’s obscene hand gesture that she’s employed as her only retort.

You lean back into the couch and sigh deeply, closing your eyes as you force yourself to relax.

“That looked like quite the intense discussion you and Lucy had back there,” Lena comments. She’s looking at you when you open your eyes and you sigh again.

“Yeah, you could definitely say that.”

“Did it help any?”

You consider the question. “I think so, yeah. My head’s in a really weird place lately, but I’m kinda glad Lucy forced me to talk it out. She’s helpful in her own aggressive way.”

“Well, that’s good. At least there’s someone who could help you.”

You glance at Lena, noticing her slightly standoffish behaviour. You wonder what instigated the change, you even consider asking her what’s wrong.

“Yeah,” is all you faintly supply.

There’s an awkward lull in your conversation and, yet again, you feel the unwelcome tension that’s been cast over you and Lena eating you alive again. You choose to press on and ignore it.

“So, that gala, did you still want me to come?”

“Of course, the offer always still stands with you.”

“Alright, cool.”

You take a long drink of your beer, moving your hand up to your neck to rub it awkwardly.

You and Lena spend the rest of the night in strained silence. You can sometimes feel Lucy’s eyes on you, but whenever you look, her eyes are politely set on something else.

You’ve been gradually restless with each passing minute, breathing deeper than usual with increasingly shorter breaths and bouncing your leg, rubbing at your neck, toying mindlessly with the empty bottle in your hand in agitation.

You don’t know how long you’ve been fidgeting for, you’ve been so distracted and jittery that even Lena has begun to take notice - and even when both of you have exchanged less than three sentences with each other the entire night, she’s wordlessly put a hand on your knee to calm you down.

You blink several times and stare at the hand on your knee - you trail your eyes upward to see Lena’s expression, less troubled than you’ve seen it the entire night.

She observes you and tilts her head imperceptibly, seeming to look for something in your blank stare.

Without thinking, you give her a half smile, already utterly spent by the toll your emotions have taken on you. She must see the exhaustion clear on your face, as she softens sympathetically and her eyebrows furrow in worry.

Silently, she scoots closer to you and puts her head on your shoulder - when you sigh and feel the weight of her against you, it’s probably the most subdued you’ve felt all night.

When everyone leaves Kara’s apartment, you can’t say you remember how you get home. Though not in part to the very little alcohol you consumed, you feel as if some more responsible part of you took over on auto-pilot and shut itself off the moment you locked your doors and dropped onto your bed.

Even then, you spend the night restlessly tossing and turning, falling in and out and again in sleep. Somewhere in the pattern, it becomes 8am and you trudge through the morning in a trance.

You get through the rest of the day in an idle sort of functionality, your shop owner even regarding you in doubt before sending you home an hour earlier than you usually go home.

You decide on perhaps napping before the gala, but it feels as though the moment you finally get to sleep properly, your alarm is blaring in your ear and it seems that you’ve woken from one of those naps that make you feel worse than before you fell asleep at all.

You blindly reach to turn the offensive noise off, groaning as you attempt to wake yourself up, smacking your cheeks slightly in hopes that you can pull yourself together quickly.

A hasty shower and one migraine pill later, you’re riding up to L-Corp in your tailored grey suit and brace yourself for the mass of people, noise, and sudden claustrophobia you know you’ll have to battle tonight.

You stay at the very edges of the floor space and opt to people watch - eventually you catch sight of Lena and Kara not too far off from you. They’re both conversing with a small group of people, Kara equipped with her notebook. You realize then that Lena is addressing a group of reporters, she glances away distractedly and that’s when she catches your eye.

You think she brightens subtly because she’s talking animatedly now, laughing graciously at a reporter’s comment and finally manages to take her leave.

You feel the breath escape your lungs when you see her approach, taking in the entire image of her - you think to yourself, there’s never a time she’s not absolutely radiant.

She gets closer and you feel a dull ache in you when you see the inconspicuous tiredness in her eyes, no doubt well hidden from years of practice by her make up and the well-honed art of pretending.

You open your arms for an embrace and sigh when you feel her pressed against you, taking in her perfume and letting it soothe you.

Still grappling with the multiple ailments of your body and mind, you really wonder how you manage to get through a conversation with Lena. She smiles broadly at you as she takes in your suit, you think you spot a fleeting look of longing in her eyes.

You manage to struggle through the interaction, nodding and speaking up when required and you only have half the mind to remorsefully consider that Lena might very well have mistaken your reluctance to engage her as total indifference, and you want to throttle yourself.

She, for her part, smiles through the hurt she no doubt feels and bids you goodbye, to enjoy the night and perhaps you two will be able to talk when she’s done making her rounds.

Not long after she leaves you with the unresolved desire to be with her for longer, an old colleague of yours you knew well from college comes up to you, and though you are pleasantly surprised to see them, it’s another bout of will and endurance to appear socially appropriate.

For what feels like hours later - perhaps it very well could have been, you really couldn’t tell, you feel the distinct lack of Lena and you wander around to see if you can find her.

At some point, you bump into Kara and she’s wondering the same thing.

“You know what, I might actually think she’s up in her office. Don’t take me at my word for it though, I’ve kinda been too preoccupied with looking around for anything suspicious.”

Kara looks just the slightest bit guilty when she speaks, and again you’re left marvelling at Kara’s altruistic goodness - only she would feel bad about being proactive in wanting to protect an entire banquet space full of people.

In your sleepless abandon, you think you’ve lost most of your inhibitions, and subsequently, your filter.

“You’re too good, Kara.”

She tips her head to the side, staring at you in question at your mildly strange remarks.

“I think it’s worth checking out though, she’s said she just wanted to be alone last time I saw her,” her eyes grow wide in an abrupt realization, “oh, shi- shoot! I don’t think she’d be in any danger though, I feel like I’d know that, I mean the whole point of even being here-”

Kara looks around, conflicted as she’s scanning the space around her. You see several DEO agents stationed throughout the room. You’re grateful that for once, an L-Corp event hasn’t been disrupted.

“I’ll look for her, Kara.”

She sighs in gratitude before looking at you again meaningfully, “good luck.”

You’re beyond the point of critical thinking and really couldn’t be asked to decipher whatever deeper meaning Kara intended for you in her last comment, instead just making your way to the elevator that’ll take you to the top floor.

When you walk through the darkened office, you cross the floor and navigate easily until you’re easing Lena’s door open.

You find her on the balcony and she has the sense to turn around to look at her new visitor.

She eases immediately when she sees it’s just you and turns her gaze back toward the skyline as she waits for you to join her.

“Got sick of the people at your own party?”

She huffs in laughter, smiling wryly at your remark, “I never really felt exhilarated in playing that social game.”

She’s quiet for a moment before she murmurs softly, “not in the way Lex always was, anyway.”

Thoughtlessly, you move to take your suit blazer off, draping it over her shoulders and you watch as she instinctively wraps it closer to her. She turns to glance at you, seemingly satisfied that you at least had a rolled up long sleeve underneath.

You rest your arms on the balcony railing and take in the night view, inhaling the crisp fresh air and closing your eyes, listening to the muffled sounds of the street far below.

You think you feel Lena’s eyes on you, and the moment you move to turn to her, she speaks.

“Did I do something to upset you?”

You feel a certain pang in your gut again, your eyes snapping wider to look at her. You ache as you see the pained nervousness on her face.

“No, Lena,” you answer earnestly - how so very badly you want to do something to wipe the sadness from her eyes.

She’s silent for an unnervingly long time. She doesn’t seem convinced by your answer.

“As long as you tell me... I’d want to know if I did anything wrong. I think I deserve at least that from you.”

I would tell you anything you’d want to hear, you think - though you know that’s a lie. You don’t think you’ll tell Lena how you really feel about her even if she asked, and you hate that it’s your truth.

“Of course,” is all you concede.

She takes her time answering you, seeming to consider all her actions, and you’re nervous at the mere thought of that alone.

“I just feel disheartened... you’ve been avoiding me all week and I’ve no idea how to broach that with you,” she admits.

You sigh deeply, thinking of the week you had and the way your morning turned out and all you hear is just excuses.

“I know, I’m sorry I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve just been feeling stuck these past few days, and I didn’t get much sleep last night... everything just feels messier than usual and it’s hard to keep track of it all, and to manage it is just-” you cut yourself off, refusing to get into it.

Lena merely looks at you, gives you a sad smile and she blinks her eyes forcefully when she breathes in.

We always used to tell each other everything, goes unsaid for both of you; neither of you will say it, but you know you’re both thinking it.

She pushes further, seeming to find the strength for what she’s about to dive into.

“I think I know deep down, if I am truly honest with myself, that I’m the reason you’ve been so distraught and troubled.”

You force yourself to look at her, you think you owe her that much.

“And I think, regardless of me being ready to hear it or not - I want you to just tell me now. Please, (Y/N), just talk to me,” her voice quivers slightly and you press your hands into your eyes, unable to face her turmoil for much longer.

“I...” you trail off, shaking your head.

You struggle for the words you need to say, struggle with the things you want to confess, struggle with your very tangible conflict of admitting everything and thus freeing your heart, but consequently facing the harrowing reality of hurting the woman you care for - the woman who means more to you than you could ever have anticipated.

You begin to brace for impact, “if I am really honest with myself, if I can find that strength to admit it to you and to myself... it is you, Lena. It’s... all these months, this past year; it’s never been anyone but you.

“I’ve been tripping over myself all this time trying to wrap my head around you, trying to understand what it is about you that makes me come apart and makes me feel like I can take on the world all at the same time and- it’s you I’m trying to figure out how to get over.”

Lena twists and purses her mouth as she looks at you - even under the hazy moonlight, even illuminated by the dimmed luminescence of the skyscrapers around you, you can see the wetness in her eyes.

She’s silent as she watches you - you have to look away.

“Because I can’t do it- I can’t keep pretending anymore,” you say with a shaky voice, “but I know I’m gonna have to. And I’ll do it for you. I’d do anything for you because I don’t think there’s much left in this world that can really stop me when it comes to you.

“Even if it ends up killing me in the end, even if it’s you who asks me to stop and ignore every compulsion in my body I have that lives and breathes for you, you’re the only one who can tell me to stop lov-” you stop abruptly, eyes widening immediately as you tear your gaze away from her, taking in a sharp breath to steady yourself.

You hasten to recover from your costly near-miss, “you’re the only one who can ask me to stay away, and I’d do it- I’d do it because you asked.”

She blinks several times, tears freely falling, “why would you have to do any of that?” she asks in a small voice.

She looks at you, imploring with a question in her eyes when you don’t answer, “what if I don’t want you to do that?”

It’s so quiet - the question is so small and saturated with the ever-heavy weight of vulnerability, and even still it could just get lost in the chilling night air.

She asks again, “what if I don’t want you to stay away or to get over me?”

You inhale sharply, clenching your jaw as you close your eyes. Your words come out slowly.

“Then... then- I don’t know. Whatever string it is you want to pull me along with, you know damn well- damn fucking well, I’d keep letting you drag me along. You know-” your voice cracks as it becomes broken with unbidden tears.

The last of your remaining composure escapes you as you rush for your words, “-you know I would let you. But Lena, please. I’ll need space. I won’t be able to see you. I wouldn’t handle it. And it wouldn’t be fair to me or you. I don’t know for how long, and I really wish I could give you an answer, I know I want one just as badly too, but it’s already so hard as it is. It’s already so hard now to see you with her-”

“What?” she interrupts you.

“Please don’t make me say it.”

“No, tell me- tell me who are you talking about? What do you mean? Who are you talking about, who am I with-”

“Kara!” you all but yell. “For god’s sake, it’s Kara! I don’t know why you’re even asking me to say it like this,” the tears fall from your eyes, wetting your cheeks and cooling them against the chill evening air.

“I am tired, Lena. I am so tired. I can’t keep looking at her knowing I want to hate her and knowing damn well I really fucking can’t. Not when she’s the most honest, caring person I’ve ever met. Not when she’s so good to you.”

“(Y/N)...” you hear her say

“I can’t do it, not even for you. Believe me, I have tried. I am still trying, and it’s the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever had to do. I can’t. Not now, at least. It’s fucking killing me, it’s already taking so much-”

She tries again, “(Y/N).”

“No, Lena, please-”

“No!” Lena yells. “No, you listen to me, let me say my piece.” She doesn’t wait long for your concession.

“Do you really think that after all this time, everything that’s been said and done... did you really still think I don’t-” she shakes her head in aggravation. “Did you really think it wasn’t you that I want? How could you think there is anyone else?”

She lets the question hang in the tense silence. She takes a shaky breath when you’re speechless.

“Because you’re wrong. There has been no one else in my life. There never was anyone else, (Y/N). It’s only been you- you’re the only one I want. And if you think otherwise, which is evidently the case, then I have been doing an extraordinary job of monumentally fucking up every single thing I have worked so hard for. I have been doing everything so very wrong if you think you’re not the one I’d so willingly give all of myself to.”

You breathe in shakily as you let what little air you can into your constricted lungs.

“It feels like it will only ever be you who can take me apart just as easily as you can hold me back together,” she says.

You wipe at your eyes - at any other point, you’d find it a bit comical how helplessly speechless you currently are. Lena merely looks pensive, stares at something beyond her when she speaks again.

“If you really think it’s Kara who I care about in the same capacity that I care for you... you’ve got it so very wrong. There has never been anyone who even comes close to what I feel for you.

“You unravel me, (Y/N). You’ve pulled apart every pretense I’ve made to guard myself, and you’ve left me bare with nothing standing in between. Whatever it is you see in me, I’ve learned to reconcile that it might be worth caring for, and it terrifies me because this is all of me - this is it.

“It terrifies me that I’m so open to you and that I want you to take it all - I so badly want you to, and this is me saying it out loud, finally letting myself hear the truth that I want it to be you.

“I was just too much of a coward to admit it first. And then I let it go on for so long that you started questioning yourself, and for whatever it is you pushed me away for, I’ve pushed you away just the same.”

You steady your gaze on Lena now - the tears you’ve cried are nothing in the grand scheme of things you care about at the moment.

“I was too scared to admit my feelings for you, and it’s cost me,” she amends quietly. “For all my work of letting you in so close and allowing myself to be vulnerable around you- it’s like it’s pushed you away in the end.”

You shake your head, not accepting Lena’s words.

“No, that’s- that’s not entirely it. It’s not just you, Lena. I’m just as culpable. I didn’t want to admit what I feel for you,” you put your hands on her arms, running them up and down soothingly.

“I was selfishly guarding my heart. I didn’t even see you trying. I didn’t see you reaching out to me and didn’t see it for what it was worth. I let my pride get the better of me. I could have just asked. I could have just said something and we could have avoided all of this. I just, I didn’t know-” you have a moment of realization.

You’re quiet in your admission, “I just didn’t know.”

“It seems as though there’s a lot of things we didn’t know,” Lena says sardonically.

You pull Lena into a hug, bringing her head gently to your chest. You let your hands trace on her back - with no doubt, you know she must be cold from all the time you’ve spent out on the balcony.

“All this time, this is all that I wanted. If only I’d just put my bleeding heart on my sleeve and yelled at you. We could have skipped to this part much sooner,” she jokes.

You feel her shiver in your arms and you decide to bring her inside - you’re long overdue to bring this conversation indoors. When you shut the door and secure the balcony door behind you, Lena’s looking at you with purpose.

You stand before her wordlessly and tilt your head in question.

She’s leaning against her desk, simply regarding you as you both stand silently in her dark office. The weight of the room grows heavier, the silence just a lit bit louder when neither of you speak. You wonder if she can hear your pounding heartbeat - you think you can hear it beating erratically in your ears.

“No more doubts... no more unanswered questions,” she utters quietly.

You gasp slightly when she reaches toward you. She’s got a grasp on your necktie and tugs - you take the hint.

You stand between her legs and let your mouth hover near hers; her lips are slightly parted as she waits.

You look for any trepidation in her eyes but all you see reflected in her is the similar desire that is kindling in you. You close what little distance there is between you and you both sigh in long-awaited relief.

You swallow her moans in the kiss as you bring yourself closer to Lena, hands on her waist and you press her into her desk. She tugs more forcefully on your tie and a low groan rumbles deep in her throat.

She does everything to spur you on, or perhaps it’s just you that’s irrevocably aroused when you feel the pressure on your neck. She bites on your lip and sucks, relishing in the sound you make at the sensation.

You lift her up onto her desk, feeling blindly for anything that could poke at her and make her uncomfortable, but she’s got her hands cupped on your neck and brings you impossibly closer into another heated kiss.

She moans softly at the feel of you tangling your fingers in her hair, massaging at her scalp as you work slowly to free her hair from her high ponytail. When it all comes undone, her jet black hair cascades over her shoulders and you’re momentarily stolen of your breath.

Lena’s breathing heavily as she notices your pause, smiling slightly at your daze. She watches before she decides she’s grown impatient, realizing you’re not really going to do much unless she reminds you.

You feel a tug again, one hand on your shirt collar bringing you in closer and you feel the other grab for your hand. She guides your hand to her leg - you realize only then that her dress has ridden up her thighs, and then she’s taking you underneath the fabric. Your jaw goes slack as you feel the slight wetness of her there.

“I don’t want to waste any more time,” Lena murmurs. “Let there be no more doubt when I show you just how often I’ve thought about this very moment... about how much I’ve dreamed about a reality that I thought would never come to be.”

Her eyes flutter shut as you twitch your fingers, testing her reactions as you press into her with varying degrees of pressure. You become emboldened by the little sounds she makes, and you decide without much thought that it’s all you want to chase.

You bring your other hand just to her cheek, brushing the back of your fingers lightly over her cheeks as she leans into your touch. Despite the recent turn of events, you still feel a dull ache in your chest when you feel the softness of her cheeks, dampened from her earlier tears.

You bring the pad of your thumb just below her eye, your eyes furrowing as you wipe away what’s left of her dried up tears and she all but watches.

Your eyes flash with a twinge of sadness and you think Lena sees it because then she’s nudging you closer, and when you meet her gaze, you see no trace of blame - you take it as the forgiveness so freely given to you, the forgiveness you haven’t worked for but will take anyway.

You let your fingers linger before you run them through her hair, you chase her lips and fall into her kiss. Your fingers splay on the back of her head, holding her tenderly as you move to bring her impossibly closer.

The hand on her head tugs her hair back gently, the noise Lena makes awakening a rapidly building desire in you. You bring your mouth to her neck, kissing the dark freckle that’s there and she leans back to give you more access.

You squeeze her inner thigh and savour the moan that vibrates in her throat, quickly finding that you are enjoying every single thing that she’s giving to you. You massage her thigh a little more before pushing the fabric of her underwear to the side without much warning.

You feel the slickness of her and coat your fingers with it, teasing her entrance and smiling when you hear the lewd sounds that escape her parted lips.

Your hand pulls with slightly more force and she tips her head back with it, a long, unhindered moan drawn from her when you finally slip a finger slowly into her.

Lena decides immediately that it’s not enough, brings her hands to your back and digs forcefully in - again, you take a hint.

You thrust your finger, testing her reactions as you twist and angle your finger, coaxing all sorts of sounds from her - you decide it’ll be your new favourite pasttime. You nearly growl when you feel her clenching, and without much preamble again, you slip a second finger in and smirk at the loud cry that rings through the quiet office.

“Oh my god, (Y/N)-”

Lena rocks against your hand as you pump your fingers into her, teasing her with a slowing speed and bringing her back up again, your mouth planted to her chest.

A steady stream of moans and soft mewls fall unbidden from her lips, and you suck and bite on her skin, soothing the area with licks and kisses as you alternate your ministrations, intending to leave marks like constellations and map a galaxy across her chest.

“Harder, baby,” she whines at you.

You decide to turn up the notch one level higher and press your thumb to her clit, her voice echoing through the office and you have no doubt anyone outside her door could hear. You circle your thumb as you fuck her with your fingers, your hand growing wetter as she rides you.

She rocks against your hand and pants loudly, the crude noises of her pussy mixing in with her moans and affirmations.

“Yes, yes- (Y/N), I’m close.”

Lena whimpers as you continue your pace, happily occupied with everything she’s offering you. You know you’re officially hooked on everything Lena; you know deep within you that you’d take her anywhere she’d let you, but still you decide, perhaps selfishly, that what you’re getting right now is not nearly enough to satiate your overwhelming arousal.

Your voice is gravelly with misuse when you bring your mouth to her hair and mutter, “let me take you home, Lena. You’re mistaken if you think I’ll be done with you once we leave this office.”

You hook your fingers slightly and tug forcefully on her hair, her voice taking a higher pitch as she cries into the empty room - somewhere in the currently absent rational part of your mind, you think you suspect Lena’s being louder on purpose (you take note to test your theory at your earliest behest).

Her fingers scratch at your back desperately and you nip at her collarbone, biting lightly as you hear her the fractured panting of her breaths.

Lena is a babbling mess of incoherent vulgarities and your name as she rolls her hips into your fingers.

“Holy shit, (Y/N)- yes! Baby, right there, oh my god! Don’t stop-” she punctuates her stream of consciousness with a long, drawn out moan. You feel her body seize against you and then she’s screaming out in pleasure.

She cums all over your hand and you feel some slickness against your suit trousers - the thought of her cum stains visible on your pants gets you pulsing with arousal.

When she comes down from her orgasm, she’s panting heavily as her eyes flutter shut. You smirk at the sight of her and become increasingly restless to fuck her more thoroughly.

No sooner than you can think about the wonders this experience has done for your ego, the smugness is wiped clean off your face when Lena brings your fingers into her mouth and sucks on them.

Your jaw goes slack as you watch her, realizing she knows damn well what she’s doing to you as she swirls her tongue around your fingers.

When she’s finished - you think you actually pull your fingers away in impatience - you kiss her and chase the taste of her on your tongue. It’s not nearly enough for you, and somehow you both end up stumbling out of her office only half decent and, you suspect, absolutely, very obviously disheveled.

You miraculously find your way back to your apartment, barely keeping your hands off each other in the back of some poor man’s uber, and you all but drag her to your room - along the way you’d made a detour against a wall, against your door, nearly just right on the floor, but you make your way to your bed.

Come morning, you wake up much earlier than Lena and you have truly no clues as to what time it is. You untangle yourself from the koala-hold she’s got on you and allow a quiet, breathy laugh to escape you when she sleepily whines at the loss of contact, pouting as she curls deeper into your blankets.

Satisfied that she isn’t going to wake up, you check your phone and learn that it’s 7am - no doubt she’d consider that just short of late for work, but you also wonder if she’d allowed the employees of her company, and by extension, herself, the leeway to sleep in after the company event.

You think to call Jess on her behalf, but decide perhaps that might be too bold of you, and instead you pull on a sweatshirt and the pants thrown over the chair in your room to finish your errands.

You have some loose ends to tie up today, and you’ll only be semi-reluctant to admit you’re getting it all out of the way now in hopes for a half day spent with Lena in bed.

In your careless haste, you left your bike at L-Corp for an uber and you laugh at the very fact - having to walk around for a bit is a very small price to pay when you consider the payout of the circumstances that led to that outcome.

You stop by the florist business that’s just two shops away from your apartment on a whim, feeling particularly cheesy and disgustingly soft - you’ve been feeling like directionless, miserable shit for the past week, you resolve that you and Lena both deserve absurdly cliche acts of affection.

You bound back to your apartment nearly running, still finding Lena’s naked form very much asleep and wrapped in your bedsheets. You smile as you lean in to press a soft kiss to her head, not wanting to rouse her awake.

When you leave the single rose you’d purchased in your place on the bed, you left a quickly written note with it:

“Lena, I’m just running some errands. I left rather early. Will pick up my bike and get food, text me when you’re awake”

Without much consideration, you scrawl the best heart you can draw at the end. It’s only just an hour later after you leave when your phone buzzes with a notification.

Lena: “I’m awake :)”

You laugh at the simple message, and you’re just in the middle of texting her back when she sends an attachment of a picture.

Lena: DSC_09086.jpg

Lena: “Hurry up, I miss you. I even grief-cooked all these pancakes and bacon in your absence. What else am I supposed to do with this?”

You can’t help the happiness that springs from your chest as you smile at Lena’s series of messages, laughing at finally being at the place you never thought you’d ever get to - not even in your wildest dreams could you have pictured this.

You realize, however, that this reality is much better than anything you’ve ever dreamed of, and it’s the only explanation you’ll firmly stand by when Lena watches you practically crashing into your apartment not even ten minutes after she sent her last text.

#lena luthor x reader #lena luthor #lena luthor imagine #lena luthor fic #katie mcgrath #lena luthor fanfic #dating lena luthor #supercorp #supercorp fic #kara danvers #kara danvers imagine #supercorp fanfic #supergirl imagine #lena luthor x you #lucy lane #lucy lane imagine

1K notes · View notes

divinityinsights-blog · 5 years

Text

The keys to wellbeing are:

Slowing down our thinking

Our thoughts effecting our experience of life - Mental level - present effecting present.

Move into relaxation (life + meditation)

Our limiting believes effecting our experience of life - Spiritual level - past effecting the present.

Slowing down our thinking + moving into relaxation = online 2 the divine.

By believing we are in control of life and its up to ourselves to manage our lifes we put an enormous ammount of pressure on ourself. Once we see that we are not in control and we are supported by a Divine source we can free yourself from the pressure of having to do it all by ourselves. This relieve of pressure creates relaxation, which puts you in your natural state of being. In this state of relaxation the Divine can align and support you, whereas before when you where in a state of stress the Divine could not align because you where functioning on another frequency level.

Everything is energy and every form of energy has a certain frequency. To align, frequencies much match, meaning Love is only capable of aligning with Love, and not with fear.

Due to our thinking, our limiting believes and external forces that effect our body during our whole human experience we are actually in a constant state of stress. The way we deal with and respond to this understanding determines how much it affects us.

The solution to cope with stress is to relax into it. We cannot change our limiting believes at will because most of them are unconciouss and have to be discovered by going within, but what we can do in the moments we find ourselves stressed is to choose our behaviour by pretending we are relaxed. We can fake it till we make it, because our system doesnt know the difference. If we behave as if we are relaxed we put ourselves in a state of relaxation, no mather what our believes are. Our believes effect us but they dont control us.

If we set our intention on being relaxed and behave in a way we would behave if we where totaly relaxed, rather than being anxious and restless, we can change our state of being without having to change our limiting believes. This doesnt take care of the believe that causes the stress and fear, but it is a good solution in between.

We can create a state of relaxation when we tell ourselves to let our defences down, which are automaticly activated when we are stressed and ask ourselves “how would i behave if i was totaly relaxed right now?” The moment we bring ourselves out of stress and into relaxation we create the right space for Divine Mind to align so we can brings ourselves back online, back towards wellbeing.

We all have moments when we where totaly relaxed, which means in any moment we can go back to that feeling. The more we reconnect with that state of being the better we can return to it. Life is about learning to be in a state of relaxation again, whatever the situation. Our state of being is a choice, by understanding this we regain control instead of our limiting believes controling us.

The way to cope with pain is to relax into it. With physical pain it is easier to do than with mental pain. Our fearfull thoughts mostly triggered by our limiting believes put us in a similar state of fear as experiecing physical pain. The nature of our mind is to run away and escape the pain and resist facing it and moving into it. Just like we can relax into physical stress telling ourselves everything will be okay the same way we can approach all other forms of stress. The more we practise moving into relaxation during stress the more we experience being in a state of relaxation, and the more we are in a state of relaxation the more it can become our natural state. The more it becomes our natural state the more we find ourselves in a state where we are in alignment with Divine Mind and thus in a state of wellbeing.

Our natural state is a state of stress due to the way we use our mind, our understanding of life and our limiting believes.

Being human comes with being in a constant state of fear.

In our soul are all the experiences of our journey as a spirit stored.

Out of fear for repitition are soul created limiting believes.

When triggered our soul creates fearfull thoughts.

These thoughts put us in a state of stress, which put us out of aligment with Divine Mind and thus out of wellbeing.

We cannot change our limiting believes at will, but we can change how we respond to it and so alter our state of being from stress to relaxation.

We all have experienced moments of relaxation, so we know how it feels.

Life is about learning that it is possible to be in a state relaxing, no mather what the situation is.

The best way to deal with any form of pain is to move into relaxation. Resisting only makes it more painfull. Fearfull thoughts are a form of pain just as much as physical damage is, both put us in a statd of stress. The best way to deal with the stress of fearfull thinking is to move into relaxation.

Limiting believes create fearfull thoughts and fearfull thoughts create

With physical pain we relax our body. With mental pain we relax by changing our behaviour.

In any moment we can ask ourselves “how would i behave now if i was totaly relaxed?”

Once we use our creative power to answer the question we can act accordingly.

Our being doesnt know the difference between fiction and reality and thus by acting as if we are relaxed our being becomes relaxed.

Once we are relaxed Divine mind comes back online and take us back to wellbeing.

If we would have choosen not to move into relaxation but to remain in a state of stress and take the fearfull thought serious, than Divine mind would not be able to connect and take us back.

Therefore relaxation is the key to wellbeing just as much as slowing your thoughts down is.

Slowing down our thinking helps us cope with our fearfull thoughts that appear as a reaction to the present moment.

Relaxation helps us cope with our fearfull thoughts coming from our limiting believes as a result of our the past.

It is understanding that helps us cope with our experience of life, and move towards wellbeing.

Its through meditation we the create space to go within and deal with our trapped emotions and limiting believes as they present themselves.

On both the mental level and the spiritual level we have a default settings. The default setting on our mental level is resistance. The default setting on our spiritual level is wellbeing. The bad news is that with the default setting on our mental level we block the default setting on our spiritual level from functioning smoothly. The good news is that we CAN change the default setting on our mental, and that the default setting on our spiritual level is CANNOT be changed.

When you realise that in any moment you can decide wether you use your mind or not, and wether you put yourself in a state of resistance or relaxation you hold the keys for creating the right space for the Divine to work through you.

Our natural state is a state of resistance, but we have the possibility of change this and switch to a state of relaxation at any givin moment.

We are either in resistance or relaxation. On a physical level we naturally move into relaxation when there is unavoidable pain, for example during a big headache. We know fighting, resisting and finding out where it comes from doesnt make it go away, it only makes it worst and so we move into relaxation.

In life we are not aware that we are living in a constant state of stress. As long as we have our ego and on our soul-level have limiting believes there is fear. When we realise that we are living in a constant state of stress our respons in any moment should be to move into relaxation instead of resistance.

On a human-level in every moment we can re-connect to a state of relaxation by remembering a moment when we felt totaly relaxed. When we reconnect to that state instantly our state of being changes. Second when we are stressed, anxious or restless we can change our state by behaving in a way we would if we where totaly relaxed by asking ourselfs the question: How would i behave now if i was totaly relaxed? When we are reminded again how we would behave we can behave accordingly, knnowing this will benefit us more than resisting that what is stressing us.

On a spirit-level we can become quiet and experience the Divine dwell within us and merging with our own energy, resulting in bumping against different roadblockages. These blockages our trapped energies wanting to be resolved. When we create the space for the Divine to dwell within step by step it turns everything that isnt love back into love. Our mind doesnt like these blockages, because they come with a physical or emotional pain and thus our mind resist and tries to run away. In this moment we also have the opportunity to choose between resisting and relaxation. The deeper we are able to move into relaxation the closer we get to a state of surrender, in which we than become the watcher. This state is a state of true healing. For us to remain in this state of healing we can create for ourselves a sacret healing-space in which we are totaly safe, protected and supported. In this state we can remain the watcher without our mind taking us back into a state of resistance, whatever feeling or emotion comes to the surface.

When we learn that we conciously or unconciously always are in a state of stress and that our natural respons is a respons of resistance, which is only putting oil on a fire, and that we are able to choose wether we remain in a state of resistance or switch to a state of relaxation, we open the door to our healing and wellbeing.

Relaxation = Alignment with the Divine = Healing = Wellbeing.

Resistance = dis-alignment with the Divine = Sickness = Misery

When can change our own programming when we understanding the benefits, and switch our focus from resistance to relaxation.

Resistance leads to more thinking which leads to more stress and thus more resistance. By resisting we take ourselves into a negative loopwhole. Resisting means using your mind to find cause, reason, meaning or ways to escape.

Relaxation leads you away from thinking and away from the cause of stress and switches your focus to a different subject. Its like watching one movie and than switching to another. The whole setting changes and you are in a different world. You are no longer in that battlefield but you are now walking on the beach.

Switching your default setting of resistance to a setting of relaxation means you can be in a state of relaxation more and more, which means you are putting yourself in alignment with the Divine more and more and create the right space for healing and Wellbeing.

The understanding of the concept of relaxation, alongside the understanding of the 3 principle’s and a habit off meditation for me are the keys that open the door to a place called heaven on earth.

The 3 principle’s represent the spiritual nature behind our experience of life. The 3 truths respresent the spiritual nature behind our existence as spiritual beings (reincarnation, karma and soul).

Understanding of the 3t’s is necessary to incorporate and fully embody the 3p’s . For example: we can understand the 3 principle’s behind our experience and experience the joy of stepping into wellbeing by slowing our thinking and connecting to the Divine, but if we at a deeper(soul) level, still have fear-programs running than we are never able to fully take off our hands off the control panel and thus completely embody our understanding of the principle’s and move into wellbeing. Understanding of the 3p’s is one side of the coin of Wellbeing. The 3t’s is the other side. And one cannot function without the other. We are spirits living a human experience driven by our soul. We can expand our conciousness but this in itself does not change us on a soul-level. To grow we need to learn and by learning we change, which comes with pain. We all go through the same proces in a different way and so there is no way off escaping the difficulty of our human-experience which comes with much falling and getting up. The way we respond to these moments and feelings determines how difficult we make it ourselves.

0 notes

israelfdre500-blog · 5 years

Text

The Role Of Chiropractic Care In Our Cervical Curve

Fear plays a substantial part in our culture. Many people that think about worry tend to look from a mental perspective. Although worry is something that is considered as a psychological or sociological topic, it is also impacts you physiologically similarly as much. Simply about everyone would agree that strong feelings might impact our health but it's not a subject that is entertained in our culture so much probably due to the fact that it taps on a human condition. Because individuals feel there is little they can do about it, subjects such as this might also be prevented. By reading this I wish to get individuals started on the path of living healthy lives not focused on worry.

I Feel Your Snow Shoveling Pain

youtube

Quite enlightened by much of the details, Celia continued to check out. She checked out how the spinal column was divided into five sections, cervical, thoracic, lumbar, sacral, and coccygeal. She likewise learned that each had its own notation, C, T, L, S, and Co respectively with each disk numbered from one and going up from the top disc that started the area and went down.

An additional long term perk that you can find when you utilize a chiropractor would certainly be that you get back at more series of movement. Those of you who are feeling tight and can stagnate your body parts easily will have no more issues after a number of sessions with the chiropractic practitioner. You will definitely have the ability to move in techniques that you believed you might never ever transfer when again. It resembles taking twenty years of your life. You will definitely feel years more younger.

How Chiropractic Can Help Your Neck Curve

youtube

One recent addition is the ability of the ideal Chiropractic software application to work with the i-Pad. This is a quality to search for however not truly necessary. If we weigh the comparison of having and entire computer system in each examination room, or just bring around an i-Pad, well you see what I am getting at. More cash saved.

Remember to remain positive and inspired while training for a complete marathon, because that can be the most difficult part. Make certain to learn what motivates you, picture yourself being the runner that you want. Stay focused; training to run a complete marathon takes numerous months. If you are unable to operate on among your scheduled days, do not stress. Get back on track and run. You can do it!

How To Put Your Chiropractic Marketing Strategy On Vehicle Pilot

Dollar: And, yes, and we have a number of clients that have actually written in and stating, "Hey, I have actually lost weight. I have more energy. I feel lighter, more energetic, Glenwood Chiropractic and I'm sleeping much better during the night." And it's intriguing, and I have a variety of friends that have actually used our item that inform me the exact same thing, we have this is a, we don't have a single jar of colon cleaning fiber that's not, and we have a genuine system that consists of a fiber that can be blended with water or juice, but we also consist of a tea, I nighttime cleansing tea, that works as part of the program. You drink it prior to going to bed, it has a really calming effect, it has some herbs such as chamomile in it that can facilitate the sleeping process.

So Much More Than Backs, A Talk With Dr. Bobbie Hall Riverside Chiropractor

This article is my opinion. I write to notify you a few of the things I have learned that I think will be a benefit to you. I hope you take pleasure in reading my articles. I sure take pleasure in writing them and hearing back from some individuals have helped.

relief treatment doesnt, chiropractic software, check the minneapolischiropractors.com, chiropractors in scottsdale

Doris Tyrrell is the name my moms and dads gave me although it's not the most womanly of names. Managing people is what she does for a living. District of Columbia is the location I enjoy most however I need to move for my household. The favorite hobby for him and his kids is kayaking and he'll be beginning something else in addition to it.

#Chiropractor in Glenwood

0 notes

ticketybooworld-blog · 6 years

Text

VOICES INC ONLINE! Recovery from Mental Illness is ‘ always ‘ possible!

Blog created by Barrie Macvicar - Positive about Pain & Mental Health Support Group. (facebook)

The Hopesturn Project

So who is Peter Hawes? Well to me Peter Hawes is a man who came into my life at just the right time. That time was when i was still a service user in February 2012. I met Peter on joining an online support group called

Intervoice - The International hearing Voices Movement.

The reason i had joined this group speaks for itself. Yup ! It’s in the name? Yeah ! That’s right. I was ‘ hearing voices.’ I was hearing lots of voices. Peter was one of the first to answer my call for help when i was in distress then with my experiences. He and a selection of others were instrumental in helping to teach me how to go about managing to facilitate my very own recovery. These guys just threw me some tools and helped to keep pointing me in the right direction. I then i had to get on with the hard work myself. What work? Rebuilding my entire life and mind. I had a lot to do. I guess i kinda became the apprentice of my own existence. I had to start all over again and these guys showed me how,

Peter Hawes, Kevin Healey,(Recovery Network Toronto) Egan Bidois, Mike llm Kruger, Rachel Waddingham, Richard Walkinshaw, Shirley Coffey, Lani Maria E, Paul Baker , Margaret Wylie, Marry Maddock, Earla Dunbar Suzanne Beachy and loads more all came together to offer advice friendship and support. Support that helped me Barrie Macvicar find the strength to both change and rebuild my life.

On meeting Peter i was heavily medicated. On multiple medications & diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic. I was in mental health services & was treated in both the hospital setting, as well as in the community. For the last two years of my time in services i was also fortunate enough to have 3 days per week home support.from a charity known as Penumbra.

Thanks to Peter and all the others i am sat here today no longer in mental health services nor hearing voices and no longer in need of support. I was discharged in August of 2013. I now live medication free. I no longer have any active Schizophrenia and i have the doctors letter to prove it. I am just getting on with enjoying living my life as best as i can. Independently. Still using the tools and the knowledge given to me by my crew above to keep myself well. At the same time as having the comfort of knowing they are all still here online at the touch of a button.

Yeah ! There is a lot to be said for online support and the friendships and knowledge that can be gained right here on

SOCIAL MEDIA !

So get yourself started and take a look at Peter’s websites below. Where you can see his work at

VOICES INC ONLINE

you can also watch a film of Peter here doing some of his Glass work and at the bottom of this page you can a look at Peters latest genius creation.

RECOVERY BOX !

Peter is my brother from another mother he’s both a friend and an inspiration and i’m sure once you will see why on reading the remainder of this blog.

Thanks everyone

Barrie Macvicar.

What is Hopesturn?

An article by Peter Hawes

Based on a project designed by everyone

So I feel to explain hopes-turn I should give a back history of the realisations that led to hopes-turn. I spent 15 years in the psych system believing one universal truth that was pushed down our throats for years. It was quite simply “you have a mental illness and medication helps so take your meds” This turned out to be untrue for me and multiple others, although I will admit that there is some the bio medical model works well for. I dont meet them often but I have seen the rare few. I then exited that system and became a victim of trauma and then later joined the hearing voices network. The hvn was somewhat productive but when I tried to push other ideas and views I was asked to conform. I couldn’t do it as it involved lying to the people on things I believed to be true. So as it turns out I did basically 15 years in a one size fits all system and then another 3 in a one size fits all system. As if that wasn’t bad enough I started my own organisation voices inc. Which was based on art therapy involving fused glass and my own psychoanalytical/ holistic theories on recovery. Voices inc while being a good project and helping a lot of people didn’t work for everyone. We had a 70% variable success rate of recovery for our attendees. Perhaps that’s cause it was a one size fits all system...... WTF are we all doing us holistic heroes in mental health like seriously there is no one size fits all system. I myself was very opinionated and just didn’t get the whole everyone’s different individuality thing so my thinking at the time was very black and white and I had the belief that this works for everyone cause it works for me and others. I will admit it was a bullshit attitude to have. But I never said I was ever perfect nor that my journey was complete I always said when up on stage that we are all still learning and growing together. Myself included. So I took some time off to learn what I needed to learn and evolve into who I wanted to be. I've spent the better part of the last year learning to listen to people and understand individuality and learning to be a team player and delegate as I felt these were all skills I needed to learn and doing so would make me a better leader and friend and just person in general. Somewhere between listening to people and understanding people me and my awesome bunch of past and present voices inc members came up with an idea. I remember the day well we were all sitting round at my right hand man Michaels place bitching about the system and lack of supports, when Robbie one of my proteges made the comment its a shame we cant get voices inc centres set up everywhere then we could reach everyone. I thought about this and theres no way we could reach everyone thats impossible. So my response was yeah voices inc is awesome robbie but I wish there were more holistic methods coming through so we could cater to the choice and individuality of the consumer. I believe it was tori who made the comment hey if we took out all the holistic therapy and art therapy out of voices inc could the same methods be used to set something else up? I went holy crap that girl has a point. Thus we all became very excited about the possibility of the new project we had devised over a bitching session at the current mental health system. Thus Hopesturn project was born. It is among my favourite projects for the simple truth that it was created not just by me but by multiple members and so has many shades and different perspectives. So now you have the story of how it was born it still doesnt answer wtf is hopes-turn? Hopes turn is a peer run initiative, hopes turn is you, hopes turn is me and hopes turn is anyone who wants to make a difference. Basically its a collective of knowledge and ideas and resources to establish different peer support groups. Hopesturn is brilliantly an anagram for “Helping Other Peers Establish Support Through Unification Recovery Network” There will be many exciting advances and opportunities in hopesturn such as--------- hopesturn radio- where peers can run there own time slot on a radio show about whatever subject they want. The benefits of this are that not only does it keep the peers running the shows motivated to talk or educate on topics they already know about, but it also provides an entirely peer run radio station for people to listen to on a variety of topics. Hopesturn peer support app – The hopes turn app is being designed at the moment and will be a bunch of chat rooms with possible gearing towards a social network theme. So that it is connecting peers with similar lived experience to each other to chat and make connections whatever there framework be it mental illness or trauma based or behaviour based or the aliens implanted a chip in my brain and that’s where my distress comes from :-P either way there’s sure to be a chat room or option to network with peers with similar views. There are also currently being set up a bunch of resources usable by hopes turn members to create and developed there own peer support groups from online conference rooms to learning resources around topics based on networking or finding a venue or even raising funds to keep your group running. The goal of hopesturn is to establish the training and resources to develop more peer run options so if anyone has an idea for a peer support group they can get this up and running. For example lets say there’s a guy called bob. We will for the sake of the argument say bob has bipolar the mental illness and identifies as such because that’s his framework for his experiences and symptoms. (I personally think bipolar actually is biological and has to do with a sensitivity to hormones and instability in environment in child hood where the child has many ups and downs) It does not matter what I think though, cause this is about bob and how bob sees things. Bob has found that dancing helps him with his highs and lows and helps him keep balance in his life. Bob then wonders if this would help other people given how beneficial dancing is for him. Lets also say for the sake of the argument bob is on lithium remembering that bob is in the mental illness framework but bobs not anti psychiatry nor pro psychiatry he just finds lithium helps him (I'm still anti psychiatry and anti meds but pro free choice and I can be anti psychiatry and anti meds cause it works well for me but each to there own) So bob decides to try set up a group called Bipolar Bobs Dancing group. Lets say he decides to run it on a Monday night for 3 hours between 5pm and 8pm. But bob while having a good idea has absolutely no idea on how to get his idea from a hypothetical to a reality as hes never done anything like this before. So bob jumps on hopesturn and finds an article on sourcing products to sell at markets. Bob is also recommended by another member dan who runs a group for depression about crowd funding and finds an article on how to set that up plus get some kick ass exposure for his crowd funding campaign. Bob also finds on hopesturn 3 other members in his local area with bipolar who are interested in helping set up his group. Bob also finds on hopesturn network a mental health worker who works in his local area and will organise a venue. Bob also finds a link to a guy who will design a flier for his group. Bob sets up the crowd funding campaign and maxes out exposure and while the crowd funding campaign is doing its thing raising cash bob gets the flier he had designed canvassed around town and local organisations. Bob uses some of the crowd funding money to run the group for the first month and invests the rest into sellable market products which arrive a week after the group starts and gets an awesome turn out. Member’s who attend bobs group are more then happy to help raise funds by doing markets sell the stock bob has ordered in. Before you know it bobs group has become a social enterprise and begins to grow. Bob then gets some of his best dancers and starts a flash mob in the city to raise awareness for bipolar and gets an article in the paper and segment on the news with contacts he found on hopeturn for media publicity. So you see how this sort of thing can just keep growing when a collective of knowledge and resources and people work together. I've done a lot in mental health and my reputation and accomplishments are re-known and I get a lot of people asking me how I accomplished all that I have in the last six years from the whole public speaking, websites, book and articles and being on tv to setting up 2 mental health organisations. The truth is there’s nothing special about me.. sure I have a high iq and adhd and a bunch of cool people behind me but at the end of the day I'm just like you the only difference is I worked out six or seven years ago that there is nothing we cant do as humans, we are basically geared to evolve and grow on a daily basis so the words can't or impossible are to me just bullshit words for things we haven’t figured out how to do yet. So I never stop I just keep looking for solutions I'm hoping that this project designed by the collective of peers will reach so many and help them figure out how to do things and over time see the possibilities are limitless. I am also hoping that it will provide more peer support options to cater to peoples individuality so that many systems can be developed cause not everything works for everyone and its important to have multiple options and support resources for consumers to access to fullly aid them in there recovery, whatever that looks like to each and everyone. Remember we own our own recovery and its different for all of us. So stay tuned guys cause this is all going off like a match at a gas station in the not too distant future . Me and the team are just finalising some of the projects and then BOOM. I will add some fliers of some of the projects that hopes turn has initiated so far and I have included voices inc because the methods removing the art therapy and holistic therapy are what we used to get the other groups up and running

Above (right) you can see some examples of Peter Hawes glass work. Peter is also well known as Peter Hawes Glass Artist and here below he shows how some of that work is done.

youtube

RECOVERY BOX ! The Recovery Box idea was formulated on 27 February 2018 when Peter Hawes and Douglas Holmes met in Point Cook, Victoria to put their ideas down on paper and to start clarifying what was needed to turn the Recovery Box from an idea into a project that would change how information would be made available to Consumer, Carers, Mental Health Professionals and the general public. The original idea was to develop an App that could be incorporated into the product Peter had developed and was already selling successfully online.

The original idea was to develop an App that could be incorporated into the product Peter had developed and was already selling successfully online.

However as the brainstorming continued using GLOSS – OFF, both Peter and Douglas made the decision to rebrand a box with its own firmware and content.

This link will explains GLOSS – OFF https://youtu.be/BDJyhqbsZv0

Peter organised a meeting with Kevin and we agreed to work together to see how we could turn this idea into a product that would revelocision how new people coming into the current Mental Health system would access information that could improves people lifes journey

A small working group of interested people would be asked to participate in a working group to assist with identifying what information would be included under each of the heading in the App:

The Headings for each of the Channels include:

Stories Coping Strategies Recovery Resources Medical solutions Events To view RECOVERY BOX - CLICK HERE

0 notes