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itsclydebitches · 3 years

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YYH Recaps: Episode 4 “Requirements for Lovers”

Hello, everyone! It's been quite a while, huh? Ah, the endless cycle of wanting to write and yet, astoundingly, not writing. I know it well.

Good ol' writer's block has skedaddled for a time though, so let's make good use of that and dive into Episode Four: "Requirements for Lovers."

Ohhh, YYH getting spicy with its titles 😏

Actually wait, I shouldn't be making dumb jokes just yet. First I want to acknowledge a slight change to future recaps: YYH, RWBY, and anything else I might try my hand at. Namely, a lack of pictures moving forward. A few weeks ago — months? I honestly can't keep track — tumblr implemented a new limitation where no post can have more than ten images in it. It's a move that, while I'm sure has its justifications, makes sharing analyses of visually-based media all the more difficult. I'll be doing my best moving forward to describe scenes as needed, as well as combining connected images together to stretch out my limit, but I'm not going to pretend that it'll be the same as getting the visual play-by-play we’re used to.

Tumblr certainly is a website, huh?

Anyway, we open on Yusuke once again lamenting the difficulty of hatching a spirit beast that doesn't immediately devour him from the head down. On the one hand this is an admittedly easy way to reset the story over the course of this arc — the storytelling equivalent of waking your character up each morning — yet I cannot deny that if I were undergoing a resurrection test, it would consume my every thought too. Can't really blame Yusuke for endlessly bringing the conflict up when the conflict is this deadly.

Well, deadly for a ghost, anyway.

Specifically, he's worried about how embarrassing it would be to get eaten by something that came out of an egg this tiny. I'm torn between reminding a fictional character that things grow — a pissed off chicken could kick my ass and it started out in an egg too — and just shaking my head over the absurdity of worrying about embarrassment when, you know, you would cease to exist. It's not even a matter of, "What if I die and then I'm embarrassed about it in the afterlife :( " Yusuke is already IN the afterlife. He's got nowhere to go but oblivion!

Luckily, Botan takes a more practical approach to these worries, pointing out that he'll be just fine provided he does some good deeds. Yusuke starts a rant about how do-gooders are only ever out for themselves.

Yusuke, you dumb-dumb, you're a do-gooder now. What was all that help for Kuwabara, hmm? As said, these early episodes exist in a semi-reset loop, where Yusuke needs to stew in his main character flaws for a while before any real growth starts to stick. Those flaws being, primarily, "I'm a pessimist" and "also I hate myself."

Case in point, Botan accuses him of always seeing the glass as half empty. Which, while true enough (outside of his confidence in fighting, anyway), by now we've got a pretty good sense of where Yusuke developed this attitude. He affirms this by talking about how Koenma's got him by the balls, "just another idiot abusing his power!" With an alcoholic mother and those teachers from last episode, it's no wonder Yusuke thinks this way. Mr. Takenaka's interest and Keiko's care aren't enough to combat the rest of Yusuke's experience, not when Takenaka is an outlier and Keiko is Yusuke's peer. Her desire to keep him on the right track reads only as an inevitability at best (the downside of having a perfect childhood friend), or a legitimate annoyance at worst. Or, as we'll continue to see in this episode, a way for them to flirt.

Is it any wonder Yusuke would sneer at Koenma's offer then, expecting the worst? The fact that Yusuke is still undergoing the challenge at all, no matter what he says, speaks volumes to me.

However, Botan is less than comfortable with his criticisms. She panics a bit at Yusuke insulting the (junior) ruler of the underworld so blithely. That, and the fact that he's carelessly tossing his egg around.

(Yes we’re using precious picture space for memes are you SURPRISED?)

Anyway, Botan isn't just concerned for the sake of concern. She cautions Yusuke against speaking too freely because there may be investigators checking in on his progress. No sooner does he ask what those investigators look like than one appears.

Thunder! Lighting! An energy so intense that Yusuke is briefly blinded! It is, as he says, quite the entrance. What kind of being could possibly be at the heart of such an astounding show?

Why, this teeny-tiny cutie, of course.

Remember, few appearances in YYH coincide with the character's true self. Would you ever assume this is the all-powerful investigator who holds Yusuke's future in her hands? Of course not. That's the point.

The investigator introduces herself as Sayaka and immediately demonstrates that she has no more patience for Yusuke's attitude than Botan does. "These damn kids," he mutters and my brain briefly blue screens because Yusuke. You're fourteen.

Plus, Sayaka and Botan clearly have some sort of eternal youth situation going on, so there's that too.

Sayaka is, in a word, fantastic. She pulls no punches with Yusuke, teleporting away from him with what can only be described as a shit-eating smile, all while refusing to tell him what exactly she's investigating. “I’m sorry, but that’s a secret!” However, Keiko is clearly at the forefront of her interest. She refers to her as Yusuke's "girlfriend."

Botan is more than happy to point Keiko out — because of course they're still following her around! — and pulls a Et tu, Brute? on Yususke, leading Sayaka right to her. Like most of the Underworld, Sayaka is rather shocked that the pretty, popular, scholarly girl is supposedly into the delinquent. It's the power of childhood friendship, you fools! Specifically, Sayaka references the "positive markings" that Keiko has accumulated, but the audience already knows by now that such markings are suspect at best. Yusuke himself is proof of that. So if his terrible marks don't preclude him from being a young kid's savior, should we really view Keiko's as proof of superiority?

I mean, Keiko is fantastic, but that's not really the point here.

Starting her own investigation into Yusuke's life, Sayaka begins with one hell of a bombshell: "There's no point in doing [the resurrection] if the people closest to you don't care." WOW. Not only is that a harsh assessment, it's one I don't think I can personally get behind. The offer to restore Yusuke to life is built on the acknowledgment that their system is flawed (even if there's no work to change or dismantle that system): they thought he was worthless, his sacrificial death seems to have proven them wrong, and now they want further evidence, in the form of this trial, that Yusuke is a good person at heart. The whole point of this challenge is to give him a second chance, with testimonies like Mr. Takenaka's emphasizing that Yusuke has always been capable of more, so long as he applies himself. This, as we'll see throughout the series, applies to relationships too. The Yusuke with one friend he play-fights with, a distant mother, and a school worth of kids who are terrified of his very name is not the future Yusuke they expect him to become, so... why base his resurrection on what he's already (not) accomplished? Granted, the show is very unclear about what, if anything, Sayaka will do if she decides that Yusuke doesn't have a life worth going back to (even if I have my own theory discussed at the end), but the fact that this is suddenly a factor at all seems grossly unfair, not entirely unlike Kuwabara's rigged promise. We as the audience know that people love Yusuke. Yusuke himself is beginning to acknowledge that. But if this fourteen year old delinquent truly had no one that wanted him back from the dead... isn't that all the more reason to allow a resurrection and give him the chance to build a life where he would be missed?

This stupid shonen got me thinking too much istg.

Yusuke, ever the self-deprecating pessimist, bypasses all of the above thoughts and jumps straight to, "It's clear if [Keiko] had any sense she'd want me gone." I'd find that attitude incredibly sad if I wasn't distracted by how cute Botan and Sayaka are, sitting on the oar together. The spirit girls who fly together, thrive together!

Botan starts teasing Yusuke about having a crush, which just feeds his temper and Sayaka's confusion. Deciding that she needs to gather more info, they follow along for an average day of school because these earlier episodes are, apparently, ghost-stalk Keiko hours.

We see her reading aloud in class from Heart of Darkness (not the easiest book for some middle schoolers), scoring a point during volleyball practice, refusing to let one girl cheat off her homework, but happily helping another who runs up with a question. So she's pretty, athletic, and academically successful, the trifecta for any good love interest. Sayaka is impressed not just with her "nearly perfect" scores, but also the maturity that Keiko demonstrates, such as maintaining her morals about cheating while remaining compassionate.

Actually, I really love the contrast this provides for us, the viewer. Meaning, Keiko is shown to be at her least mature when in Yusuke's presence. Not that her responses aren't justified, but watching her dramatically snatch gum from his mouth, slap him across the face, or pull crazed expressions as she yells at him is a far cry from this calm, poised, soft-spoken Keiko. It's a way to visually show us that she's comfortable in his presence, despite the suspect humor attached. Not that the Keiko we see at school is faking or anything — she is legitimately that kind and articulate — but we see that being with Yusuke allows her to relax in a way she doesn't with others. School!Keiko is, as Sayaka says, pretty much perfect, 24/7. Yusuke's Keiko is a little rougher around the edges, in a way that implies a multifaceted personality shining through.

However, the only conclusion our trio draws is that, given Keiko's accomplishments, any attraction must be one-sided.

Poor Yusuke lol.

In a plot move that is so ridiculously contrived, just as Yusuke is grappling with the accusation that Keiko couldn't possibly like him back, a "handsome boy" arrives to ask Keiko out. He says that he couldn't bear it when she stopped reading Heart of Darkness because he's fallen in love with her voice. "Will you be my girlfriend?"

Please excuse me while I lose my shit over how ridiculous this is. I legitimately straight up cackled when I watched this scene.

Luckily for Mr. Absurd, Keiko takes him seriously — and lets him down easy. She says she can't be his girlfriend and when he presses the "Why?", asking if she already likes someone else, Keiko confirms that she does. This is done through a shot of her feet. Not a POV shot given the angle, but close enough that it feels like we're stepping into Keiko's shoes (haha), shyly staring down at the floor in embarrassment and regret.

Rejection complete? The guy screams.

I mean he screams.

I mean this nobody we're never gonna see again unhinges his jaw and lets out an unholy shriek the likes of which makes me shriek in utter GLEE.

It's insane. It's wonderful. I'm going to use one of my coveted image spots to show you his face:

Look at that and tell me this show isn't amazing.

Okay, I'm focusing again. As Keiko runs off Botan and Sayaka start dragging Yusuke, teasing him about how Keiko chose him over that "charming handsome boy."

...Please scroll up and look at that image again. I find YYH's definition of "charming" and "handsome" to be hilariously wrong.

Yusuke, as per usual, throws himself into damage control, claiming that Keiko didn't say who she liked, so really it could be anyone. They're not buying it. “'I like Keiko' is written all over your face!” Botan crows. Meanwhile, Sayaka is scribbling in her little investigator's journal that feelings on both side are severely misunderstood. "Suggest serious counseling."

Fantastic idea, Sayaka. I'd personally suggest counseling for the whole dying/best friend getting resurrected thing... but relationship woes work too!

We cut to later when school is out and Keiko has gone over to Yusuke's. To say that Atsuko has done a poor job of keeping the house clean lately would be a serious understatement.

Keiko points out the old food and broken glass specifically, cluing us in that this isn't just a messy environment, but a dangerous one as well. This is proven when she accidentally knocks a stack of books over and a used bowl falls onto Yusuke's face. What's interesting is that Keiko says that things are "back to normal" now, though I'm not sure if that's in reference to the state of the house, or just the note Atsuko left behind, asking Keiko to take care of Yusuke while she's out. I'm inclined towards thinking it's just the note, partly because of Keiko's shock when she first arrives, because the house wasn't shown to be in this state prior to Yusuke's death (first image above), and because the note is accompanied by a great voiceover that makes Atsuko sound quite sloshed when she left. That's what's normal, the drinking and carefree attitude, not the state of her home. If we buy that reading, it allows for another fantastic look into Atsuko's mental state. If she's already an alcoholic, the trauma of her son's death and the following revelation that he's coming back might make her struggle in other ways. Like finding cleaning to be an impossible task.

She's depressed. It doesn't excuse the state she's left Yusuke in and, as previously acknowledged, YYH is definitely not a show interested in this nuance, but I still find it fun to take what little we've gotten and run with it.

However, Keiko is firmly on team "WTF Atsuko." She hurries to make sure Yusuke wasn't hurt by the falling bowl, bemoans him being "covered in garbage," and says that leaving him in this state should be considered a felony. Knowing it's far beyond her power to fix Atsuko's failings, Keiko swears to come here after school every day until Yusuke regains his body. It's as she's cleaning him of the dust that's gathered that Keiko becomes entranced with Yusuke’s features. Particularly his lips. The soft lighting returns, their theme song swells, and Keiko gets thiiiis close to kissing Yusuke for the first time.

Which is a little weird, right? I mean, we know why Yusuke is freaking out. Beyond the embarrassment of a middle schooler receiving his first kiss while two ghost girls eagerly watch on, he's made a hobby of denouncing his interest in Keiko to anyone who will listen. But for the average viewer — for Keiko herself — don't we care the he's, you know, dead? Or if not technically dead, very unconscious? Don't get me wrong, I fully understand the appeal of this situation in a generalized, cultural sense (with the side disclaimer that I'm reading a Japanese product through an American lens). Sleeping Beauty exists for a reason and there's definitely an element of that here: a gender-reversed setup where Keiko’s kills may break the "curse" of Yusuke's untimely death. Even his in-between state of being mirrors the "death like sleep" of the fairy tale. But when you strip away those Disney-esque thoughts, we're left with a girl about to kiss an unresponsive body, not as a common gesture of care (the parent who kisses their child while they sleep), but as a first time, romantic milestone.

It's a little weird lol.

But embrace the romance! As well as its inevitable interruption. Just as Keiko is about to land a peck, the neighborhood watch committee announces a heat and fire warning, startling Keiko out of her thoughts about Yusuke's "beautiful face." (There's another gender reversal for ya.) She gasps at her almost-action, conveniently remembers that her mom wanted her to do some shopping, and hightails it out of there before embarrassment can really kill them both.

So she runs off for food... in a sweater? The outfit is cute and all, but I wonder what the animators were thinking, putting Keiko in a puffy pullover during an episode all about a heat wave.

It's about at this point that the plot goes from cute romance to absolutely buck wild. The fires the neighborhood watch committee mentioned are not, in fact, due to the overwhelming heat, but an arsonist that's going around tossing molotov cocktails through open windows. Why is he doing such a thing? I don't know. Arsonists be doing arson, I guess. The important bit is that Yusuke's place is his next target, considering that Atsuko forgot to lock the windows when she went out. Within seconds all that garbage is set ablaze, quite obviously putting Yusuke's resurrection chances at an all time low.

"Wake up, stupid!" he shouts at his unconscious body. Mood, Yusuke. That's me every morning.

So this is a full scale emergency now and everyone is scrambling trying to think of something to do. Yusuke comes up with the idea to possess himself like he did Kuwabara — nice attempt at a loophole there — but since it would technically count as his resurrection, no dice. Botan decides to go get Kuwabara himself, even though he's too far away to do anything. It's still worth a shot. Sayaka, meanwhile, watches all this unfold with a somewhat clinical detachment. She's not quite indifferent and she's definitely not cruel... she’s just not as emotionally invested in this as the other two. Which not only re-emphasizes her purpose here, as an observer judging Yusuke, but also highlights the bond Botan is forming with him. As mentioned before in regards to her hanging out with Yusuke rather than ferrying souls, Botan is well past someone assisting Yusuke simply because it's a part of her job. He's her friend.

We get some shots of the growing fire which includes a hazy texture to the animation I quite like and then we cut to Keiko several blocks away, shopping bag in hand. Word of the new fire spreads, with one bystander mentioning that it's the twelfth today.

"This is eerie.”

“Yeah, I can’t help feeling we’re under attack.”

That's because you are! Someone stop that man!

Sadly, I don't think the arsonist is mentioned again, let alone captured. We'll just have to relegate that to my incredibly niche fic wishlist.

Keiko also overhears that the latest fire is on fourth avenue, which of course is where Yusuke lives. Recognizing that he might be in trouble, she takes off at a run.

Meanwhile, Botan finds Kuwabara practicing his kicks against a Yusuke dummy. Amazing resemblance, right?

Watching for the purpose of recapping, I'm picking up on a lot of details in the animation I quite enjoy. I don't think anyone would claim that YYH, at this point in time, has the most impressive or flashy animation (the fight scenes later are another matter entirely), but there's a clear love for the product that shines through. The scared expression on Kuwabara's dummy. His unexpectedly dainty kick, complete with pointed toes. Botan's more translucent coloring to emphasize her supernatural status compared to Kuwabara. There are a lot of nice touches despite the overall simplicity.

Plus, you can't forget the lovely irony of Kuwabara fighting a defenseless "Yusuke" while the real guy actually lies defenseless amidst a fire. We already know that despite his tough talk, Kuwabara would be horrified to learn that his friend rival had died (again) in such a manner.

Capitalizing on that transparency, Botan runs a hand through Kuwabara's back to catch his attention. He gets his "tickle feeling" and instinctively looks around towards Yusuke's house, seeing the smoke. "Something tells me I should go that way." Gotta love a guy who drops everything to chase a vague, supernaturally induced hunch.

As Kuwabara leaves we cut back to Keiko arriving at the house, staring in horror at the blaze. We get an audio flashback to her talk with Yusuke where she promised to take care of his body until he got back. So she tries to run in, only for a couple of the onlookers to snag her, quite correctly keeping her from undergoing a suicide mission. We learn later that Keiko absolutely would have died without Yusuke's sacrifice, so her "You cowards!" is born more of emotion than justified accusations. It's not cowardly to look at the raging inferno in a small apartment and realize that recklessly running in will only result in two dead teens, not one.

I mean, the flames are already right there, licking the door. Even if Keiko somehow managed to avoid burns, the smoke alone would do her in. Still, Keiko tries to mitigate the damage by dumping a bucket of water over her head. As a kid I remember thinking this was the smartest thing ever. Utterly inspired. Keep that in the back of your mind, kid Clyde, for future reference. As an adult... I have no idea whether this would actually help or not lol. Any firefighters doubling as YYH fans?

Recklessness and iffy precautions aside, I can't express how much I appreciate the story giving Keiko things to do. Yusuke recognizes that she's the only one with the maturity and open-mindedness to believe in his resurrection. She's the one picking up Atsuko's slack regarding his day-to-day needs. She never hesitates for a moment, heroically throwing herself into this blaze for Yusuke's benefit. Yeah, a lot of that still falls into the emotional/domestic sphere — what we expect of the love interest in a 90s anime — but too often action stories don't have a clue what to do with their non-action characters, not even when it comes to just supporting the fighters. They're simply... there. Keiko, however, isn't window dressing. Whether it's helping Botan survive an upcoming, supernatural plague, or cheering the team on at the Dark Tournament, Keiko is an important part of the story, despite lacking the fighting prowess of the rest of the cast.

Just as important, this episode establishes a core equality between her and Yusuke. We just watched Keiko reject a (presumably) accomplished guy for him, telling the audience that these surface differences — academics, power levels, popularity, looks — don't matter to them. Yusuke is not Keiko's lesser just because he doesn't have the same scores in Sayaka's book and Keiko won't become Yusuke's lesser just because she doesn't have spiritual power like he does. The only important thing here is that they love each other and they're both willing to sacrifice everything for the other. In the span of about ten minutes, Keiko nearly gives up her life for Yusuke and, in turn, Yusuke gives up his resurrection for her. The level of care they show towards one another is balanced, despite those differences.

They’re a good ship, y'all. Even if this recapping's got me noticing Yusuke/Kuwabara potential lol.

To get back to the plot, a drenched Keiko charges into the fire, yelling Yusuke's name for the drama of it because we all know he can't respond. Despite the audience (hopefully) recognizing Keiko and Yusuke's equality, that memo hasn't reached Yusuke yet. "You're a lot more important to this world than I am!" he yells, hammering home that despite everything — knowing he instinctively saved a child, watching his loved ones grieve for him, helping Kuwabara just because he can — Yusuke still, deep down, believes that he doesn't deserve to come back; that he doesn't measure up to those around him. The self-sacrificial nature this insecurity produces shocks Sayaka. She points out that if Keiko doesn't save his body, he's not coming back. "What's the point of being alive if Keiko has to get killed for it?"

Keiko means more to Yusuke than the rest of his living existence. Jot that down in your notebook, Sayaka!

Kuwabara arrives and runs into one of his friends who informs him that Keiko just went inside. “Yusuke’s girl? The one we saved from those thugs?”

BOY does that tell us a lot about their rivalry! I mean yeah, we've already established several times over that Kuwabara — just like Yusuke himself — is not the cruel street thug he'd like to present himself as. If these characters actually wanted to hurt each other outside of a martial arts challenge, don't you think Kuwabara would capitalize on the "Yusuke's girl" bit? Everyone seems to know that they have feelings for each other, but Kuwabara never once wields that as ammunition against Yusuke. There are no taunts about him not being good enough. Or rather, I should clarify there are no serious taunts — Kuwabara is well known for his teasing. There's also no attempt to steal Keiko out from under him, the common treatment of the love interest as a "prize" that many stories fall into. Indeed, later this episode YYH will deconstruct this a bit. Yusuke sees Kuwabara grab Keiko's hand and yells that he better not be getting "fresh" with her. But it's purely Yusuke's worries shining through. The audience gets a crystal clear picture of the situation and knows, categorically, that Kuwabara has only the most innocent of intentions in holding Keiko's hand.

(Well, running from the police isn't innocent, but...)

I keep getting sidetracked. Plot! Keiko makes it to Yusuke's room and finds that he is already on fire. She then proceeds to try and put it out by patting it with her hands. I take back what I said about Keiko's smarts in this scene. Now we know where that supposed recklessness comes from though. Apparently they're both immune to fire! Nothing to worry about here, folks.

JK she's actually in danger, despite the animation choices. By this point everyone, including Keiko, realizes that there's no way out: the fire has blocked the door. Sayaka then reveals that there is one way to save her. If Yusuke throws his egg into the fire, the energy of the spirit beast will release and guide her to safety. The catch? Hatch the egg early and it won't complete its intended function of guiding him back to his body. This beast is gonna guide one person and that is it.

Cue Yusuke's near immediate decision to sacrifice his life for Keiko's. Granted, it's not precisely one life for another. Yusuke's resurrection was always contingent upon the beast not devouring him whole — something Koenma claims would have happened at the end of the episode — meaning that it's not technically a fair trade. Yusuke might have sacrificed Keiko's life for his own... only to fail to get that life back anyway. (There's a tragedy for ya.) To say nothing of how Yusuke is currently dead and has been for at least a couple of days, whereas Keiko very much is not. There's some sort of philosophical discussion there about potential being pit against current reality.

BUT that's not the point! The emotional point is that he sacrificed his life for hers — the potential of his resurrection, the potential of that life he might have led — all technicalities aside. And I, for one, think that's very neat of him.

A blue light shines as the egg's energy is released, providing a lovely contrast to the fire surrounding them. A path forms to the door and Keiko, recognizing Yusuke's presence, follows it. "We'll make it, Yusuke," Keiko says, which is one hell of a sucker-punch now that we know she's just carrying a corpse. Unbeknownst to Keiko, Yusuke is very much not making it. That's the only reason why she is.

Kuwabara appears to help them the rest of the way which is also a pretty awesome thing considering that, from everyone else's perspective, the fire is still raging and blocking the door. Despite his spiritual awareness, Kuwabara gives no indication that he noticed this strange light, or Yusuke's hand in the rescue. Which basically means he lunged into a bunch of deadly fire for Keiko and doesn't question how in the world he isn't burned.

Keiko's hands are fine, Kuwabara's whole body is fine... fire immunity must run in the friend group!

Yusuke has another rare moment of vulnerability — "They're both okay" — and I cackle happily at the "both" because see. You love Kuwabara too, Yusuke! All this bluster about hating him and finding him annoying. The second he rushed into that fire you were crawling up the walls.

Except then that happiness gives way to something that sounds a little more shocked. Devastated. "Well, I sure am... relieved..." Kudos to Cook's voice acting. You can hear the exact moment Yusuke realizes what he's done. Not that he regrets it, but the consequences are finally sinking in. He's relieved that they're safe, yes, but now he's never going to be able to rejoin them.

As Yusuke has an(other) existential crisis, Kuwabara peels back the blanket Keiko had wrapped Yusuke in, revealing his face. “What are you doing with Yusuke’s body?! Are you some type of sick grave robber?” he shouts. God I love when a story actually keeps track of who knows what. Kuwabara, for all his recent involvement in the plot, doesn't actually know what's going on. From his perspective Yusuke died, he made a scene at the wake, he saved "his girl" from a bunch of thugs, lost a huge chunk of time only to wake up with her randomly hugging him (then slapping him), participated in a bet with his awful teacher and had a couple weird, Yusuke related dreams while studying, and has felt the presence of ghosts perhaps a little more frequently than usual. Now he's trying to help save Keiko from a fire only for her to reveal she risked her own life for Yusuke's body. Of course he's freaking out! What's she doing with that?

What's utterly fantastic though is that Kuwabara takes all of five seconds to process this and then enters immediate Ride or Die mode for Keiko. She's been hoarding Yusuke's body for undetermined reasons? Well, who is he to judge? The important thing here is that people are arrested for keeping bodies, so they've gotta skedaddle before the firefighters show up.

Hence, hand-holding and avoiding arrest.

As Yusuke starts threatening Kuwabara not to get "fresh" with her, Botan sadly reminds him that he no longer has a say in who Keiko does or does not fall in love with. The switch in tone is jarring. Whereas before Botan would have teased him mercilessly for the crush, now she knows that nothing can come of that — and it would be cruel not to remind Yusuke of that too.

"Oh no. I didn't think..." Yusuke whispers, further establishing that he knew the risks of using his egg, but hadn't allowed them to sink in yet. Now they have.

He gives a fake little laugh with, "Just when it was getting good" and I cry at the development in the span of just four episodes. Despite what I said at the beginning about the show resetting each week, there has been a lot of change thus far. Yusuke wants to live now! He wants to be there for Keiko! He looks down on his tiny family and screams at the unfairness of it all! They're talking about how they can't wait for him to come back and now that's never gonna happen!!

It hurts, friends. It hurts a whole lot.

During this conversation between Keiko, Atsuko, and Kuwabara, we see that a couple of hours have passed (it's nighttime now, the fire is out) and Atsuko is apologizing for putting them all in danger like that. And by that I mean yes, she does technically apologize with an "I'm sorry" and everything, but it's also a one sentence apology pit against... well, near death for the three people standing (and sitting) before her. Atsuko seems just as concerned by Keiko losing her hair as she does Keiko nearly burning to death and she kneels by Yusuke's wheelchair, baby-talking to him about how he forgives her, right? I love Atsuko, she's great, but objectively speaking she is not a good mother. Not right now, anyway.

Oh yeah, and just to reiterate that: Keiko's hands are fine after patting down Yusuke's on-fire body, but her hair, which I'm pretty sure never catches, has to be cut short. Ah, anime logic. Funny thing is, YYH isn't the only story to take the love interest and give her a cool, short cut thanks to a traumatic event. Anyone read Ranma 1/2?

During this conversation we also learn that, sometime between the fire and now, Keiko filled Kuwabara in on everything that's happening with Yusuke. Makes sense. He kneels beside the wheelchair, joining the others in telling Yusuke that they'll wait patiently for his return. Yusuke, above them, continues yelling about how they're waiting on a dead man.

“It can’t be helped. He made this decision on his own."

Except it can, in fact, be helped!

Just as all hope is truly lost, Koenma appears and announces that Yusuke will be returned to life. Why? Because sacrificing his egg for Keiko is a better indicator of his worth than the egg itself could have been. Despite feeding on his negative outlook and heading towards biting Yusuke's head off — something the animation backs up by showing us teeth during the fire

— Yusuke's act demonstrates a tendency towards being a "decent human being" that is "so rare." Wow. That's depressing. Still, yay that Yusuke has those qualities! And this, to my mind, helps explain Sayaka's presence. Koenma recognized that judging Yusuke couldn't be left to the egg alone and indeed, Sayaka took note of his worth before he ever threw the egg into the fire. First it was questioning why someone as amazing as Keiko would go for him, then it was solidified through the shock of Yusuke announcing that coming back to life was meaningless if she wasn't in it. Even if Keiko had somehow, miraculously escaped the fire before Yusuke's sacrifice, I bet Sayaka's report would have tipped him in resurrection's favor anyway.

Everyone is, of course, overjoyed and my heart swells at the intense gratitude Yusuke displays. My favorite part though is when Koenma cryptically says that “Your added experience with death could make you very useful" (a nod towards future events that goes right over Yusuke's head) and his response to this is a yelled, "YOU THINK I'M USEFUL?" This poor kid. The God of everything ever is chucking out revelations left and right, about resurrections and spirit beasts, but the only thing that really penetrates is the realization that someone thinks he's useful. Talk about relatable.

You know, I've been thinking about why this moment works so well. I mean, there are a lot of other stories where undermining the consequences our hero faces — either with humor, or by erasing them completely — can feel like the audience was cheated. I think YYH dodged that with a couple of crucial factors. First, Yusuke's consequence isn't something new that he's now avoided, it's just a permanent extension of something he was already dealing with. We did get to watch him inhabit the space between life and death, grappling with whether he'd ever be able to return. The story didn't deny us that growth, it just confirmed something we all instinctively knew: this tale won't end here with Yusuke permanently going to some afterlife. Second, the Deus ex Machina fix doesn't happen too soon. Yeah, it's only a couple of minutes in a single episode, but we (and Yusuke) still get to sit with that outcome for a while, soaking it in before its removal. Finally, there's no doubt that Yusuke earned this reprieve. Koenma's timing might be sudden and (if you're not genre savvy) unexpected, but looking back at the series as a whole thus far, we're able to agree absolutely that Yusuke deserves this. Far from feeling like we were cheated, this solution invites just as much celebration as we're seeing on screen, for the simple reason that we can buy into Koenma's reasoning. We know now that Yusuke is a good person. We saw him selflessly sacrifice his future for Keiko. We agree that he deserves a second chance.

Thus, the episode ends with Yusuke flying up to fill the screen in his joy, a far better, final shot than Harry Potter and The Prison of Azkaban managed 😰

And that's it for Episode 4, folks! See you later for Episode 5 💕

#YYH #Yu Yu Hakusho #YYH Recaps #mymetas

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derpyslurpy-da-derp-master · 5 years

Note

All the personal asks plz

Alrighty then!

1. Any scars?

Mhm, pretty much all the scars I have are burns. One is from burning the side of my arm on an iron my mom had standing upright that I brushed against trying to reach something on the counter behind it and I’ve got one or two other scars from my culinary class on my hands from trying to put a tray in the oven and bumping it on the rungs above the ones I was putting it on. I burnt my hand day one of actually cooking. Yes I’m a disaster.

2. Self harmed?

Absolutely not. One, I’m too scared of pain, and two, I have uh… An unpleasant history involving someone else threatening self harm to make me do what they wanted, so… It’s a really sore spot for me.

3. Crush?

I honestly have no idea.

4. Kissed anyone?

Nope

5. Coke or Pepsi?

Neither they make me physically ill

6. Someone you hate?

There’s a LOT of assholes at my school but the person I hate the most is probably my dad for reasons.

7. Best Friends?

Mhm! I’ve got a handful on this site but my IRL best friend is @theansweris-a. She doesn’t really get on tumblr anymore but if you’re reading this I love you friendo and have a good day! :D

8. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs?

hahaha fuCK NO. I’d rather not get addicted to something that can and will kill me and throw my money at people to sustain it. If someone offered me either I’d probably flip them off whilst slowly backing up and getting tf out of there because NO.

9. What’s your dream job?

Author/Illustrator with some VA work and Video Game directing on the side.

10. Ever been in love?

I have. It was with someone I didn’t have a chance with and who would be an absolutely awful lover to me since we weren’t compatible emotion-wise so I let it go. It was hard, but I did it.

11. Last time you cried?

Last Sunday trying to explain to my mom why our preacher and the church we go to has completely fallen out of my favor for it’s very loud blatant ‘LGBT people are bad abortion is evil insert other white conservative stuff here’ ‘cause she doesn’t know I’m LGBT+ (and it’s going to stay that way) and I was trying to explain to her why I would never say invite my LGBT friends to church because they would be mercilessly persecuted by people who call themselves followers of God then spit in his eye by doing the exact opposite of everything he’s asked of them. Yes I still feel really strongly about this.

12. Favorite color?

Cyan!

13. Height?

How coincidence, I just got it measured today! 5′6, FINALLY OFFICIALLY TALLER THEN MY MOM MUHAHAHAHAHA

14. Birthday?

November 17th!

15. Eye color?

Milk chocolately-brown

16. Hair color?

Dark brown

17. What do you love?

this is so open ended hjkfjfjkhgkjh okay then I love girls, video games, anime, writing, drawing, reading, and animals.

18. Obsession?

My top 3 in order of obsession; Kill La Kill, RWBY, and Kingdom Hearts.

19. If you had one wish, what would it be?

For every single illness, disease, syndrome, disorder, and so on to have a cure. From Cancer to Asthma. Both because I have so many incurable diseases/disorders and because I know there are people out there who have things so much worse than me in that department.

20. Do you love someone?

I love all my mutals, friends, and most of my family including extended family.

21. Kiss or hug?

I’ve never been kissed so I don’t know anything about how that would be so I’d say hug because I love hugs!

22. Nicknames people call you?

Derpy, Slurpy, D-Slur, Resident Cinnamon Roll (That’s my actual nickname on a Revue Starlight discord)

23. Favorite song?

this is like asking me to pick my favorite child uhhhhh… This Life Is Mine by Jeff Williams, it just means a lot to me.

24. Favorite band?

i know no bands by name

25. Worst thing that has ever happened to you?

….Okay, uh, this is gonna be really hard to decide because a LOT of bad things have happened to me. I’ll go with the more physical choice because I’d rather not dump too much of my emotional baggage onto yall. One time I was being prepped for surgery and they needed to get the IV in. (for the record I’m shaking pretty badly right now from thinking about this) They had to stab my arm with what they called a ‘Bee sting’ (it wasn’t a bee sting it goes almost down to the bone) that had numbing stuff in it and they were trying to find a vein they could put my IV in but they couldn’t find one (okay now i’m typing really fast so I don’t have to think about this for long) and they kept stabbing my arm over and over again. The thing is I have a serious phobia of needles that sends me into panic attacks, I’ll go lightheaded I’ll lose my hearing and so on. So I was trying to put a brave face on despite my parents not even being there but they would. not. stop. They didn’t give me a break. It was one stab then another then another then another. I was having a full blown panic attack, I was almost crying. Then they seemed to get it. They left me for a bit and my parents came in. My arm started swelling. They HADNT got it. My arm was being filled with whatever my IV was. They came back in with the beesting. They started stabbing me again but on the other arm. I couldn’t keep a brave face anymore after thinking they were finally done. I started to cry and sob and the panic attack I had that day was the single worst I have ever had. It got worse. They missed a vein entirely and instead hit a bundle of nerves. My hand started involuntarily twitching as pain unlike any I’ve ever felt before or until now wracked my arm. I had actual trauma from this, the night after the surgery I kept feeling ghost pains of the stabs in my arms, I had to sleep on my stomach with my arms wrapped around my front just to make them go away. I’m still extremely traumatized of this to this day. I never want to have surgery again. I never want an IV again.

Okay that got away from me there I’m sorry I kinda was having a panic attack while writing that. Anyways moving on.

26. Best thing that has ever happened to you?

This is gonna sound cheesy but meeting @theansweris-a. She’s the sweetest and kindest person I have ever met in my entire life and I feel so incredibly lucky to call her my friend, though knowing her she’ll see this and reply with ‘No U’ because we always end up in a shouting match of ‘YOU ARE A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING’ ‘NO YOU’RE A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING’

27. Something you would change about yourself?

I definitely would lose weight. Not because of societies bullshit but because I legitimately want to lose weight so I can actually get strong and build up some muscle, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO OPEN GATORADE BOTTLES GODDAMNIT

28. Ever dated someone?

Nope, I’m closeted and have no interest in even pretending I’m straight by dating a guy, I mean I know some genuinely nice guys (all of them dorks) but they’re all just my friends though they are massive goofballs and I love them very much. (Entirely platonically)

29. Worst mistake?

I… Don’t think you guys wanna know that. It’s nothing bad its just depressing and I don’t wanna be more depressing then I already have been.

30. Watch the movie or read the book?

Depends on which is better, like I’d rather watch the Chronicles of Narnia than read the books because the books are honestly terrible but I’d rather read Percy Jackson than watch the movie because the movies are incredibly unfaithful to the books.

31. Ever had a heartbreak?

Yeah…

32. Favorite show?

Kill La Kill!

33. Best day of your life?

My cheesiness never ceases but the first time I actually hung out with @theansweris-a IRL at the mall. I remember being SO excited for it but also nervous that how easily we talk to each other wouldn’t translate into real life and I remember spotting her walking up and practically shouting her name before running up and giving her a big ol’ hug whilst crying happy tears (I know i’m sappy shut up) and then when we were let loose to walk around we quickly discovered that we clicked almost immediately and incredibly well it was just the best thing ever. Like, in that one day alone we spent six hours in that mall just chatting and buying stuff and having fun and we left the mall with like three different inside jokes despite it being our first time meeting in person since we first met. Hi my name is Derpy and I’m a big ol’ sap.

34. Any talents?

I’m pretty good at writing, I can type really fast, and I can play the harmonica.

35. Do you wish you could ever start over?

Absolutely not. Things are the way they are for a reason, and even though I’ve been through a LOT it’s because of all that that I’m the person I am today and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

36. Any bad habits?

Yeah, I’m a nail biter.

37. Ever had a near death experience?

Yes actually, when I was 3 or 4 we took a plane to California to visit some relatives and I almost walked out of the air hatch one the way out, I remember this vividly even though it was a long time ago. If it wasn’t for the flight attendant grabbing me before I fell out, I wouldn’t be here today.

38. Someone I can tell anything to?

@theansweris-a and @my-words-are-light, they’re both really good listeners and have helped me through a lot of stuff.

39. Ever lost a loved one?

My Great Grandpa Ritch died shortly after I was born, there’s a lot of pictures of him smiling and holding me while in a hospital bed and hooked up to oxygen.

40. Do you believe in love?

Oh absolutely, 100%. I mean if you know me you already know that I have just ABSURD amounts of love in my heart and I genuinely believe that it exists.

41. Someone you hate/Dislike?

Wasn’t this already a question?

42. Are you okay?

Mostly, yeah. I have some stuff to work on but I’m honestly at the best i’ve ever been!

43. Relationship status?

I’m a Single Pringle

#Ask #Original

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buckmebxrnes · 6 years

Text

Like Fandom? International Consumer? American Net Neutrality Rules Do Affect You. Here’s Why & How You Can Help

Are you involved in a fandom? Do you log onto a site called archiveofourown? Do you use Tumblr? Do you watch youtube videos? Do you use wikipedia when you are writing a fanfic and need to know a ton of information? Do you use a site called storenvy to find fandom related merch? What about etsy? Like gmes and use Steam? WoW? Battle.net? Are you a German artist who has a solid American following? Do Americans consume any of your fanfic, fanart, webcomics, original art or fiction?

This will hit you in sales, lack of fan produced content, or removal of fandom websites

Nonprofit organizations like Ao3 rely entirely on donations of the consumers. That site will not be able to sustain itself when ISPs are squeezing it for premium fast lane prices. You will not enjoy it when its broadband is constantly overtaxed because it cannot afford premium prices. This will at best, just annoy you and you will have to try again and again to even get into the site. At worst, it will close the site. The American fanfic writer though? They may not even have access to the site anymore because they cannot afford to be “granted access” to it and will no longer produce content for you to enjoy. Tumblr is owned by Verizon, a company so excited to see net neutrality laws done away with. If you think American content producers will escape the premium price pay-walls on this site, you’re wrong. If you think Verizon won’t find ways to also hit you, you’re wrong. The very nature of the internet is globalized. What hits America, trickles into the international markets. Every site and every example I put in paragraph one will see dramatic changes, some of them will just outright end. The most immediate change you will see is fandom changing for Americans. No more American produced fanart, no more American produced fanfic. At least from those who cannot afford it. You better hope your favorite American fanfic author is rich. This is not even a party line issue. Americans across the BOARD do not want this. We are screaming at the FCC. We must KEEP screaming.

Here is what you can do to help. Email the FCC. You don’t need to tell them you’re international. You don’t even need to give them a last name, or just go ahead and makeup a pseud if you’re scared. Mind you, they know when an account is a spam account or a bot, so DO NOT USE THOSE. Remember, these are American governmental persons. They are not serial killers. They will not track you down and kill you in the middle of the night. You can even use what I wrote out on my own.

Ajit Pai - [email protected] (he is the champion of this and will unlikely change his vote but you should still tell him why he’s wrong)

Mignon Clyburn - [email protected] (Will vote NO)

Michael O'Reilly - Mike.O'[email protected]

Brendan Carr - [email protected]

Jessica Rosenworcel - [email protected] (Will vote NO)

[Introduce yourself, tell them happy holidays]

Please vote no against repealing Title Two Net Neutrality rules. These rules protect small business, non-profit organizations, individual American citizens. Repealing the rules will hinder American investment globally. Small businesses will cease to exist. in an online forum. Americans may be cut off from the international world. We do not want this. We have flooded your comments, we have created petitions. We have shared Facebook statuses. We have spoken and we say no. You as an agency must look out for the American people, not for a select few deep pockets. The American people say no. A competitive market is not an expensive market.

Again, do not repeal Title Two Net Neutrality rules.

[Insert salutations end]

Your name

#net neutrality #save net neutrality #spread this #I stayed to a fandom side of this so I didn't even talk about #the economic issues to the general American people #or international investment #or that if you are in chatgroups like whatsapp #you may have to say bye to your American friends #this shit is fucking serious because we will be at the literal mercy of ISPs #sure there's a chance they decide to be benevolent but that's a gamble #so we must do all we can do stop this from happening

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crasherfly · 4 years

Text

Forgiveness, Anger, Absence and Processing

“Being angry doesn’t make the other person, it only makes me worse.”

The mantra plays for what must be the 20th time this week, and I exhale. I don’t meditate long- just 15 minutes a day, usually in the evening, but this mantra in particular has stuck with me this week.

That’s ‘cuz I’ve been holding in a lot of anger. More than I could possibly exhale.

I mean, what’s not to be angry about, these days?

Broadly speaking- the existential threats of political, religious and infrastructural change are all worthy of encapsulating rage over. Any left-leaning individual can be righteously angry for the next, say, 40 years. No court would convict ‘em.

Well, uh. At least, no court in prior times. But I digress.

But the past couple of weeks, my anger has morphed into something more personal, more raw than what the headlines on Facebook or Twitter capture.

If I had to describe this descent, I think I would simply say “lost patience”, which primarily manifests itself in the form of continuous sighs, chewed lips, and vigorous use of the “mute” button in my online circles.

Everywhere I turn, I see this simmering anger mirrored by my own acquaintances- most notably, my IRL friends, as our daily conversations shift from jovial memes and video game news to a slow drip of twitter links and frantic retellings of personal conflicts with folks of opposing ideologies.

Over time, the number of digital social avenues muted climbs as the number of invitations for gaming and simul-watching drops. The avenues themselves grow quieter and quieter, as we all retreat to our own corners, our own support systems, our own echo chambers.

“People are human. They make mistakes. Each of us always does the best we can in a moment of pressure, and I forgive myself and others for not doing differently.”

I exhale once more and open my eyes, my contacts sliding around on the surfaces of my eyes before finally sticking in place, the blurry light of my sakura candle finally coming into focus. I look at the flickering flame and do my best to focus, imagining the flame as the point of my breath where I draw peace and power. For a few seconds at a time, it works, and I’m formless. When my eyes close, I see into an infinite of pooled black. It’s the most peaceful place I’ll ever know- total, soundless, shapeless nothing. I call it the Great Silence. It’s what I hope the afterlife will be.

I wish I could say the source of my anger, disappointment and lacking comes from anywhere so righteous as a political or religious cause, but the truth is, I’ve never been an evangelist for anything so lofty as all of that. I’ve always been self-contained, more concerned with keeping myself upright for another day. It’s a privilege so obvious that I don’t have to tell you my demographics- you can guess what kind of person in America has the luxury of only worrying about themselves. Even so, I can barely imagine how others have the energy to extend themselves beyond their own well-being.

The truth is I miss my friends.

This is weird to say, ‘cuz never before have my friends been more accessible. I can find them on twitter, facebook, discord, line, or any given video game. Rarely does a day pass where I don’t hear from ANYONE.

Yet, the past few weeks, I’ve felt acutely alone, peering over a widening gulf that separates me from so many folks I used to rely upon for support- parents, siblings, friends. And in my guts, I feel like the source of separation is distinctly rooted in anger- not the existence of it, but how I’ve chosen to approach it.

“Forgiveness, like any exercise, takes time. I may not fully forgive myself or others today, but if I keep working, someday, I will.”

I’ve been warring to disconnect from my anger entirely, even as November approaches. It’s not unlike an alcoholic draining their bottles into the sink just ahead of the holidays. I’ve chosen the worst possible time to step off the ideological battlefield.

Even so, choose it, I did. Because we can’t schedule emotional meltdowns or mental health emergencies, and after my June-August, change had to happen, come-what-will. A few months back, I made several drastic changes to how I approach my life IRL and online.

IRL, the changes were smaller- I started tracking my weight and alcohol consumption, meditating regularly, seeing a therapist, and opted into a reduced work schedule. Online, however, my changes were more instant and pronounced.

I muted every journalist I followed, as well as every news handle. I muted a choir of voices that had ceased relevancy to me months ago, but I had kept around for fear of missing out. Even websites I paid a subscription to, like Defector, got pushed aside, the raw vein of anger required for accessing that media necessitating an immediate disconnect. I stopped posting personal updates to facebook and twitter, instead opening a Tumblr where I could “rough-draft” my personal thoughts.

I made new rules for myself online-

No posting in anger.

No attacking something other people enjoy.

Post only what brings you or others joy.

Leave criticism, even of things you enjoy, untouched, because the only ideas you own are your own, and no one is calling you defend something you don’t own. What you love will always be valid, regardless of what someone else posts.

Keep your personal updates in a totally optional forum where those who care can opt in, and those who don’t or who have no capacity for it can opt out.

Similarly, I drew up a simple mantra of priorities for IRL that I put on a post-it and placed under my monitor. It reads as such-

Keep healthy.

Keep growing in what brings you joy.

Keep employed.

Keep invested in your personal circle.

Any other positive development is a bonus.

I do not need to be big enough to house every voice, and I have the right to decide my own holding capacity.

“The scent of flowers -sandalwood, jasmine, and rosebay- doesn’t go against the wind. But the scent of forgiveness does travel against the wind; It spreads in all directions.”

All these bullet-points sound high and mighty. Anyone who knows me personally is likely scrambling to pick their eyes up off the floor, presumably after having them roll out the back of their heads.

Truth is, I fail at these points early and often. And lately, I’ve been failing hard, especially this past week, where I’ve felt my own personal anger swell at the continued silence of my social channels.

When channels weren’t quiet, they were political, contentious, and utterly consumed with demanding. Conversations carried an underlying accusation- why aren’t you as angry as I am? Do you see all this shit? I need you to be on my level, no excuses!

The brief, sporadic conversations left me feeling hurt, exhausted, and reproached. As distance and silence continued to grow, I felt a deeper lacking- as though I had failed some test, failed to be the support others needed, failed to echo the correct sentiment. It felt like being back in church, where I was always at arms length for failing to measure up to an ideology or shout loud enough to measure up to the brightest voices in the chorus.

It left me feeling very alone. And, yes, angry.

“Few are the people who reach the other shore. Many are the people who run about on this shore.”

My therapist tells me I have projection issues that source from religious trauma. Because I’ve lived the majority of my life in fear of an angry god, judgmental parents and deeply abusive teachers and bosses, I tend to assume the worst of unspoken intent.

This is a way I keep myself safe. I am secretive. I rarely speak my true mind. And the people I let in are closely vetted and kept to a high standard. The failure is that I don’t communicate this standard, and presume betrayal when often there is none. I’m working on changing this, but it’s tough to undo 30 years of programming in just a few years.

A few places I especially feel pressure, and how I react to it-

When I spend time developing a hobby or a skill, and share that in a chat channel, only to have it ignored or waved off, I take that personally.

When I send out an invite to play video games or spend time together, online or IRL, only be receive zero replies, I assume it’s intentional.

When I send out private DM’s, heartfelt attempts to share an interest and extend empathy, and don’t receive a reply, I immediately take the message to heart that I must not be that important.

Similarly, when I don’t hear from someone for days, or in some cases, weeks or months, after having established a strong, positive and regular rapport, I mourn that as rejection. There are people I’ve never met save for the online world, and I mourn our ceased conversations as much as I would a neighbor I’d see every day in my own building.

When no one tunes in to a stream or reads a blog I’ve written, or, hell, even when my twitter is getting fewer likes than normal, I feel that, acutely.

And yes, all of what I just listed is just...witheringly stupid and banal and completely self-centered.

But that’s what I feel.

This is where I encounter the moments of absence that fuel the anger I’ve been warring with the past few months. When I meditate, lift heavy weights, go on long runs, rant in therapy or write long-ass-posts like this, in an attempt to healthily dispel this anger- these are some of the places it sources from. These are the areas I feel pressure. And that’s valid and deserving of a voice.

Even at this very moment, I’m struggling against the urge to write a barb about how at this point in the post, I could share specific names and anecdotes and it wouldn’t matter because no one really reads this shit. Which. I guess I did just write that. So. Oh well. (it wouldn’t be true, mind you, there are people who do read this, so, thanks for that <3)

“Just as from a heap of flowers many garlands can be made, so, you, with your mortal life, should do many skillful things.”

Frankly, I don’t like my therapist all that much. She doesn’t take notes, often forgets what we discussed the week before, and is likely a mask truther. But she’s cheap, doesn’t try to make me take medication, and her hands-off approach has forced me to take more responsibility for our week to week conversations.

This past week, I came into our session knowing exactly what I needed to talk about.

“I’m feeling angry and resentful of the people close to me, because I don’t hear from them or spend time with them as often, and when I do, it seems like they’re always consumed by negative feelings and reject me if I don’t join them on their level. I’m taking their absence personally, as proof that I’ve failed them, or don’t have what they need. Proof that I’m not good enough.”

My therapist responds with a question- “What would you say to them, if they were here right now, and you could say anything you wanted?”

I was at a loss.

I’m not someone who enjoys confrontation. Again, it’s learned self-preservation from years of religious trauma induced by both family and institution. I’ll do anything to make it to another day without more damage. Like the protagonist of Catch 22, my motto is to live forever or die in the attempt.

I stammer for a few moments and manage to choke out a reply-

“I’d say that I’m still here, and that I care about them, and that I wish we could all be less sad and angry. I’d say that I empathize with them, that I feel horrible for them that the world we live in necessitates their righteous anger. I’d tell them I’m sorry for not being able to join them on their level, ‘cuz of my own personal physical and emotional health concerns, but that I support them and love them, even if they feel like my actions and energy don’t match that. And I’d say that even if it isn’t their intent, that their absence reads to me like I’ve failed them, and that hurts a great deal. But I’m trying to work through that. I’m trying really, really hard. But I miss you all. I don’t want to go another week feeling like anonymous people on the internet are more supportive and understanding of me than people I’ve know for almost 15 years.”

My therapist nods. “Do you think that would reach them?”

I don’t have an answer. Truth is, I can’t imagine blurting that out in public without sounding like a an emotionally volatile trainwreck that everyone would want to immediately avoid.

But I know in my guts that it has to find its way out somewhere. So Sunday morning, I go out, grab some coffee, sit down at my computer, and I start to write. Type, type, type, delete the last 15 minutes of ranting, type some more, and here we are.

My exhaled tension and frustration in page form.

“Hey friend, lately I’ve been feeling down. Nobody sees my efforts, what I’m trying to do. People judge me every time when I’m not around, but never text me when I’m feeling like I do. ”

In the future, I exhale, the final mantra of my meditation recording still echoing in my brain in same-step with the beat of a lo-fi trap song that immediately starts with the end of my meditation playlist.

My last tumblr probably wasn’t the model of restraint. A sage wouldn’t write all that. A wise person wouldn’t toss those kind of scents out expecting them to go against the wind.

But it was valid and important to share.

I toss in quotes from my mantra recordings and from the Dhammapada. I imagine friends reading the quotes and groaning, the heady content totally disconnecting with the chaotic writer they know IRL.

I leave it in. The inhale, exhale cadence is true to my day to day experience, my striving, my insular battle against depression and anger. Effort that I didn’t used to bother with, now deployed in a full-scale war that others rarely glimpse.

Don’t judge me against the wise quotations. Just know I’m doing my best by them, and even if I fail, I gotta hope the effort isn’t wasted.

I toss in the lyrics of a lo-fi trap song at the end of the post, and an english cover of a sad anime song for good measure. They aren’t eloquent words, but they’re true to what I feel. They’re honest. And maybe more in step with the person people know me as IRL.

But I couldn’t go on just saying nothing. I couldn’t keep holding all this in from the universe. Even if no one asked for my explanation, for my apology, for my disclosure, I still had to get it out somewhere.

SO, hey, tumblr.

“I refuse to weave you such a beautiful lie. I would rather feel the pain to be empty inside. How could be so blind as to ignore such a cry? I would rather watch that cold dream where I died.”

I doubt this post will be widely read. I doubt my inner circles will suddenly spring back to life or that my schedule will suddenly be chock full of busy chat notifications or invitations to play video games. I don’t think things will ever be the same, especially as we careen closer and closer to November. And I’ve gotta work through this, accept that this isn’t necessarily a me issue. It’s an us issue.

This change is necessary. This silence won’t be forever. These feelings of lacking and failure are my own, and don’t account for the emotional complexities that others within my circles are no doubt trudging through. Maybe someday I’ll be privy to that. But even if I’m not, I still have to learn to process my own projection issues and continue to build an emotional foundation that can stand on its own, even in the face of perceived rejection.

Three nights ago I’m sitting in a booth at my favorite sushi restaurant with one of my closest friends. Each of us is nursing a glass of sake as we wait for our food. Our once easy cadence is notably strained, but we’re still here, in thanks to persistence and patience and repeated invitations to go out together.

“I’m sorry for disappearing for a while,” she says, “-some wild shit has been happening lately, and I don’t wanna talk about it. But it wasn’t you, it was me.”

Hearing that, a reservoir’s worth of assumptions and misgivings drains. Just hearing the acknowledgment is all it takes.

“Hey, it’s all good, we’re here now, ya know? If nothing else, I’m always good for playing the distraction.” I lift my sake glass. Our glasses clink, we each take a pull.

“And I always will be.” Smiles. A silent acknowledgement of something stupidly simple. Nothing so dramatic as my therapy monologue is needed in that moment.

To the friends who read this to the end, just want to say, same offer, same glass of invitation goes to you as well. When you’re ready to come in from the shit, I’ll be here.

In the meantime, I’m gonna keep focusing on forgiveness. I’m gonna keep disconnecting from sources of anger. And I’m gonna keep openly processing. These are things I need to do. so when the day comes and you’re ready to welcome me back, I’m worthy of the moment.

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