#instead of some bottled up safe nerdy little shit who's fine and normal and sweet
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I'm fine and I'm normal, but I'm sad, I'm fucking sad and I hate it
#Personal#I don't know what's wrong to be more emotional than usual#I feel I should be better than this#used to be able to tamp down and compartmentalize fine#and now I just wanna cry about everything and nothing#I'm sad and I'm lonely and I want to slam my head into a wall#I really read the maximum ride books as a kid and grew up into ari#this is all bullshit I want to go home#I want to go back home and be with someone who likes me and my nonsense#Who encourages me to listen to music and paint and vent and just be me#instead of some bottled up safe nerdy little shit who's fine and normal and sweet#and goddammit I am sick of being the mom friend#Why can't I have a breakdown every now and then and be comforted#And then I hate myself for thinking and typing all this#because of yeah poor pitiful me sadness and desperation everywhere#I don't deserve to complain and be this way I'm just whining and being melodramatic#And that's why no one wants to stick around#and I fucking hate it but there's so much here that makes me think of Elliot and what she's said about me#like somewhere rooted deep in my brain she was right and I really don't deserve this
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