I’m beginning to realize, and probably not for the last time, that there are many different forms of loneliness.  There’s a loneliness that came from feeling as though my family was not my own, there was a loneliness that came from feeling as though no one understood me the way I wished to be understood.  There was a loneliness that sprung from the feeling that no one cared, and a loneliness that floods my heart with an undeniable grief.  A piece of my heart is absent, a few chunks have been removed and are so subtly and slowly reforming back to it’s original state.  But what did it look like to begin with.  I’ve never experienced this type of feeling before, this deepness of grief, the feeling of loss of my love.  Not one human being, not a massive heartbreak, but a deep sadness as though I don’t know if I’ll truly be able to trust and love another human being like I believed I could at one time in life.  I am not bitter, nor am I blind, I am simply accepting that I may never find this mysterious companion that my heart and soul have so desperately longed for since before I can even remember.  I have attempted to repair this fracture in a multitude of ways, none of which have been deemed properly conducive.  There’s a time, there’s a season, for everything under the sun.  Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings.  Pray, and you shall receive.  Yet all I’ve seen is nothing but greed, nothing but me me me, and I can’t see any good anymore.  I take back what I said just a minute ago, maybe my heart is a little bitter, maybe my heart is a lot bitter and maybe I expected more.  I expected more from myself, from others, from God ultimately.  And that is where I went wrong, that is where my heart began to fill with anger, sadness, bitterness, and resentfulness, towards the one who can count the number of hairs on my head, who knew that I would be having this conversation with him one day and who knows, how this story will end.  I need to get to a point of acceptance, accepting my true feelings about things that I feel so strongly about, I can’t continuer to try and convince myself that I am not who I am.  I will run away and implode.  I am me, I am sensitive to everything and everyone around me at all times, except when my mind decides to dissociate from getting overwhelmed.  My mind, my heart, my soul and my spirit are never ending, their source is ever flowing and I being a human cannot keep up.  I’ve got a million eggs in a million baskets and I can’t keep track of them all and I can’t help any of them when my mental health is at risk.  I have been asking myself the past 24 hours, is this where God wants me to be, and I can’t help but try to ignore the flashing neon sign in my eyes that reads “NO” “NO” “NO”.  Not to say that He is not still using me and involved in every minute detail of my everyday life, but simply that there are things about my current situation that need to change in order for me to grow.  But then there comes the flood of fears, about leaving behind what I’ve been building, fears that others will be mad or disappointed in me, that it will appear as though I’m stepping away from the church, fears that I will actually walk away from the church because my worldly desires are so rich.  But are these desire of mine truly of the world?  Is this just what I’ve been taught and what I’ve taught myself they are?  Because, Lord knows the purest and truest desires of my heart, the ones to spread as much light and love across the entire universe until the day I die.  The desires to believe in peace and believe in faith, to remind others that tomorrow is a new day, and that forgiveness is right where you stand.  The desires to spread truth and wisdom to all those with ears to hear.  Desires to stand out in a crowd and show the world that every single one of us has a purpose, because we were individually created and placed here on this earth for a reason.  To remind the world and every human being living on it, that Jesus is the one and only Messiah, God in human flesh walking earth as a man to tell all about the supernatural power that is available to any man at any time.  A super natural power that satan will attempt to steal, and use as a tool to deceive the weak minded and spiritually vulnerable.  Let the source be only from God encased in the purest of light.  I digress.  There are fears with valid points, and there are fears that appear outright ridiculous and absurd to even believe that someone could even think these thoughts up.  But the point of what I just wrote is that, I will do none of these things, with my own power.  None of my life happens in my own strength, but the belief that God’s supernatural power lives within me, and with knowing that truth, I can GO DO anything my heart desires.  If the soil is solid, the foundation is firm, then the desire will be aligned properly with that of the fate of the world.  There are other factors but I’ll leave that for another honesty rant.  Feels good to be open, feels great to be vulnerable to no one in particular, and it feels good to be able to be angry at God and be okay with letting Jesus know that.  Because you know why I’m angry, and these things are weights around your shoulders as well, these things make your eyes swell just like mine.  Because my heart is after you Lord, my heart desires to live in your best interest, not anyone else’s standards or views, most definitely not the enemies.  Live on, breathe, and believe that your faith is strong enough, believe in the supernatural power that already lives inside of you, and drives you.