#im terrified of therapy and it likely being another disappointment/failure and nonsensical treatment w/o treatment plan
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I'm like 2-3 disappointments away from becoming a very difficult person to deal with
#therapy please please please#please#im becoming so cynical#i have symptoms interfering with all my basic daily life things#and actual proper therapy has been non existent so far#and it's so tempting to just start acting out and tell everyone to fuck off and leave me be#just give up on everything#i cannot even go for walks to calm down because it's dark outside and i fear assault#i cannot go to the park to read bc i fear assault#i cannot calm down in my apartment because there's too much noise from outside#im terrified of therapy and it likely being another disappointment/failure and nonsensical treatment w/o treatment plan#terrified of having to bring up my worst memories to potentially no avail#and even if i end up getting effective therapy. it will not be fun#and the support i have (i have an apartment in a building w an office w '24/7' staff bc im unable to cope alone)... well....#theyre not doing what theyre supposed to do#they have a whole file on me including a crisis(prevention)plan and they just dont. dont look at it.#even when i am obviously distressed#and then i get told to 'read a book or listen to some music'#while i am reaching out to them because i CANNOT calm down on my own#like im not reaching out unnecessarily#and then i get told to sort myself out when im alrsdy like hello i cannot help myself feel better now#it's maddening like the whole purpose of being here is the support that im NOT receiving rn.#then id be better of in a normal independent apartment in a quiet neighbourhood fr.
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