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oyncanvas · 6 years

Text

Story of my life

https://www.ted.com/talks/tim_urban_inside_the_mind_of_a_master_procrastinator?referrer=playlist-the_most_popular_talks_of_all#t-830274

This literally describes the story of my life.

It’s one of the most popular talks of all times with 17 mil views i think (or 1.7mil).

Tbh, I am regarded as one of the people who works so hard.

I am rarely regarded as someone who is “lazy”.

But the irony is, I’m also regarded as one of those who doesn’t work hard at the same time.

Who absolutely loves playing, going out, doing anything and everything non-academic.

It didn’t make sense to me.

I slept my way through high school.

I skipped high school so many freaking times & eventually my mom gave up and let me sleep in whenever I wanted.

I simply could not do something or work hard or “really” excel on things that I did NOT like. I was pretty terrible. My work was terrible. I simply just did “enough” for what I needed to get. If it was an “A” for the course? sure, I’ll jump the hoops. If it wasn’t? then yes, let’s just pass.

But on things I liked? I was (sounds almost arrogant but..) brilliant.

I thrived in college, because I didn’t have to go to lecture. Lecture was one of those: I don’t “like” it. usually.

There were classes where I literally went three times: two midterms and one final. Oh, and did I mention that I technically didn’t even go to “class” for finals because I pulled it earlier so I can go to California that weekend instead?

I’m sometimes afraid of entering the real life because I realize that one of the many things that I dislike, per se, is having to go and do something consistently day in and day out by “force”. I hate other people or other entities scheduling things for me. No matter how interesting, if I’m “supposed” to do it, such as going to school daily (high school) from one time to another time or going to work (internship), I become a bit disinterested. I’m hoping that medicine is one of those that I end up loving so much that I don’t mind “going to work” day in and day out. I think about this bc I see my friends at clerkships now, my life in like ....10 months? And it’s like working. Daily.

Anyways, I went off tangent a little.

But the whole time I watched, I could not dismiss the connection between this phenomenon and the biochemistry of ADD/ADHD.

People think that when you put a label to a psychiatric condition, such as depression, anxiety, ADD - now you’ve been plagued with this ... “disease”. All of a sudden, you are THAT. That person with x y and z. It’s all or none - you are this, you have this, or you don’t. And I admit, I am just as culpable of this type of thinking.

But the more I learn about the human biology, about medicine, the more I understand this whole intricate biochemical balances in our brains, our bodies, and the extent of diversity in the way humans were crafted (by the touch of Our Creator), the more I realize that there is a spectrum in all those “conditions” that we, humans, put labels to.

For instance, I can honestly say that I have less propensity to become depressed or be diagnosed with depression. I can confidently say, in the clinical diagnosis of depression - which require at least two weeks of depressive symptoms - I never fit the criteria. But I know many people around me who either 1.are depressed, or 2. have been depressed some time in the past. I know people who are more susceptible.

I think it’s not a one-or-nothing thing, however. You can overcome it or cure it. But the biochemical imbalance is similar, or manifests in a very similar way, no matter what “triggered” it, or whatever the underlying complex mechanism is.

In depression, the “similar” mechanism that manifests in the symptoms is the fact that serotonin levels in our brains are depressed, or serotonin receptors are down-regulated.

I completely believe that there are complex, wiring of our brain circuitry (wired through our experiences, thoughts, influences, etc.) that went haywire or wired in a way that caused the above phenomenon - decreased production of serotonin or downregulation of serotonin receptor - which manifests outwardly in the way we see it: a lack of motivation, depressive thoughts, suicidal ideation, etc. This is why through constant work of “positive thinking exercises”, other non-chemical ways can “fix” depression as well, because of brain plasticity - the continual molding and shaping of the “complex, wiring of our brain circuitry” behind the serotonin defect or the creation of “new wiring” - allows the system to bypass the negative thoughts triggered by serotonin defect.

Simpler way to put it: if “normal” people has a baseline serotonin level of 100%, some have biochemical imbalance in a way they produce and run on baseline of 60% daily, or have less receptors where they can only receive 60%. Now something triggers in life, and whereas others would have “lower” level during that time of ~60%, now that person runs on 30%.

But there is a spectrum, right? There are people who are baseline 80%, baseline 45%, 30% - there is a whole range of things.

Same goes for ADD or many other conditions.

For people with less baseline “stimulation” - norepinephrine and dopamine levels (or receptors). Too many things are “boring” unless stimulated enough. This makes it extremely confusing, especially who have milder symptoms or have symptoms that manifest in less prominent ways. Because there are times when he or she is able to focus extremely well.

I never understood, because I thought ADD manifests in ways where one is incapable of focusing. But it’s interesting, the way a psychiatrist for my friend explains it: the medication isn’t needed in situations when you are naturally stimulated. But because of the decreased level of baseline “stimulation” in the brain, that person is less likely to be able to work on things or focus on things that are not “stimulating” enough in their perception.

This is why many people suffering ADD has terrible procrastination problems - no, im not saying like those “ah, I’ll do later” and cramming type thing only - everyone does that. It is perpetual procrastination literally in every asset and aspect of their lives. Because until there is a deadline, unless there is a set time, there is no motivation, unless it’s something that is “interesting enough” or stimulating enough for them. They “forget” to do things life-related or push everything to an indefinite “later” - such as changing amazon account to student account....(and paying 100$ annually for that), or spotify to student account... or returning items to usps, paying bills, setting up meetings, making budget proposals for an organization...etc.

That “set time” or deadline comes close, the “panic monkey - reference to the video” turns on. Rush of adrenaline, dopamine, etc. now stimulates the person enough to now make them work crazy to finish.

They have a very difficult time consistently doing same things over and over (such as going to lecture at one time and leaving at one time daily), because it’s no longer stimulating unless there is a change. They love exhilarating activities, exciting events - which is why many tend to have diverse interests, hobbies, and actively do and participate in so many things.

Tbh, it never connected.

Not to be arrogant, because I really do NOT think intelligence is one dimensional, but I am, at times, surprised by my own “academic” intelligence - my ability to absorb and manipulate academic information so fast and so well. I’ve done phenomenally well in school; yes, I worked hard, but I always needed less time to “master” things. The catch here is though, is that I never could really take THAT much time above other people to be able to do that. I was literally amazed by my level of procrastination and yet my ability to not only do “well” but excel.

Bc of the phenomenal results, I never suspected myself of anything like ADD. I built my ways around it - I never went to classes, I never sat in lectures. I worked ~2 hours at a time, broke up activities, moved around multiple different places to do studying. But also to be fair, I also never worked THIS hard bc I never really needed to. With engineering especially, the faster you absorb the concepts, the less time you need to study. It’s all mathematical.

I always worked soooo barely close to the deadline, and procrastinated literally my life for everything. Missed bill payments (fml now that reminds me), and everything above...

Welp.

This is a bad conclusion to my writing, but I’ve written way too much and now I have to leave so............... thoughts of the day.

Another random morning pondering.

Conclusion: human biology is fascinating, dynamic, and ever-changing.

+ the video was awesome.

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