#im out of codeine but couldnt take it even if i had some bc ive been having beef w my digestive system lately | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

americaiskillingitsyouth · 5 years

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some personal shit, scroll on by, im screaming into the void

im really only posting this here bc my friends are already v aware of the situation and ive just got more sad-angry in me than anyone needs to receive in a text tbh

so basically, ive had a buddy for 10 years now, actually known the fucker since primary school so ive known him for 2 decades and been tight for 1 decade. he is by all accounts a great dude, i fucking love the guy and thats why this shit sucks so bad.

when i first met this friend we had radically different political ideologies (i was a grimy goth leftie at the time and he was like that fuckin kid out of This Is England). this was before stuff like that would mean we could never be friends and we shared enough in common on every other level that we agreed to just not talk politics, he’d dial back his bullshit and i’d dial back mine. we saw each other all the time, the only time it was ever ok for the fash and the left to unite.

now this friendship has endured all that, me moving away, him getting married, him having 2 kids, me moving to denmark, me becoming even more radical, him defecting to the left, him getting divorced and me having a full blown nervous breakdown (unrelated to the divorce haha). despite all this we would see each other every friday almost without fail, we’d snapchat hella when i was in denmark.

the nervous breakdown here is relevant because throughout all that, despite going thru a divorce and sorting custody of 2 kids, as well as starting a burgeoning new relationship with one of our mutual friends (such a beautiful union tbh) dude would message me every day, see how i was doing. he let me crash at his place occasionally for a change of pace, and he had me leaving the house within 4 days of the breakdown beginning bc he needed my help to get the perfect present for his gf (i’d known her for yeeeeears before they met) and he knew i needed to get out of that bed.

at no point, despite our differences and the paths our lives have gone, could our friendship ever be considered toxic. it was like a fox and the hound type thing... but with nazis. but then, enter diazepam.

so this buddy, hes got a very addictive personality, he’s got a problem with codeine but never stronger opiates and its never really affected his behaviour. i’m a drug doer too man so idc as long as you’re staying safe and you aren’t hurting anybody. he was still a great dad (he still is) and a great friend.

i got that jaw condition which means when it locks i gotta use them to loosen it (and also recreationally bc yeah... drugsy) so i always had valium. hes an anxious dude and as a fellow anxious dude i get it - dude was really worrying about it i’d throw him a valium and he’d feel better. this was on a weekly basis i couldnt have predicted quite what it would turn into.

flash forward to now. I don’t get messages from him really that aren’t about valium in one way or another. it’s a case of “can you use the darknet to get me some valium?”, “do you have a couple valium i can have?” do “[my housemates] have any valium? can you ask them for me i’ll pay them back” etc etc etc, ad infinitum.

like p recently he got not just a new girlfriend but a new job (one where phones are a no no) and im not an asshole, i dont need u to be hitting the bants w me every fuckin day, i would just appreciate a text that isnt about fucking valium. like homies so far gone that he doesnt care if its my last jaw-unlocking valium, if i reluctantly offer he’ll take it!

“but big pissin mama,” you ask “why don’t you just say no? why don’t you just not give them to him”. well, theres a few answers to that question. first one, and to get it out the way, im a big ol’ vagina who can’t say no, i accept it, i hate it but i accept it. secondly, and this is the biggy, the nature of addiction. like ive had him go off on me once before, not hugely, but still going off bc of not being able to get any (all just being snippy ofc, nothing awful). ive seen my dude get angry at people and its scary, and frankly i am terrified at the idea of that being directed towards me.

this aint my friend right now, and i know that so its ok. but to be buds thru so much and then be reduced down to valium dispensary is p cutting. but that said, he helped me immeasurably when i was mental, and i have to be there to help him now. just right now im really sad.

and im meant to be going to his house later cuz yknow... valium in exchange for an hour of face time before the valium kicks in and he gets all bbrrrrrvvvvvbvbvbvbvvvvv and has to go to bed. exactly what you want from ur friends.

i’m probably not going to go.

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