venting time aaaaaaa

people like my mom and her boyfriend are the reason i struggle with portioning my food so i don't make myself sick

chanting: SPAL BERT SPAL BERT SPAL BERT

what is???? spoon berry???? AKSJDJS IM KIDDING I LOVE SPALBERT HERE WE GO

warnings: mention of abuse + implied depression

×××

●ok so they both?? like? struggle w/ expressing their emotions verbally (spot a little more than albert), like in face-to-face conversation ▪modern era they wouldnt have a problem texting each other "ily" or "i love u" etc but they wont be able to say it out loud for a little while▪no problem showing physical affection tho●hoo boi are these boys physical▪what they lack in being verbal they make up for in kisses/hugs/hand holding/other stuff like that u know▪albert usually initiates physical contact bc he's so touch-starved▪when theyre both new to their relationship he does little things like hold spot's hand and trace shapes on the back of it ▪also draping his arm around spot's shoulders and running his fingers through his hair▪spot will never admit it but it drives him crazy●theyre both Very Athletic▪they just seem like the athletic type▪gonna be real i dont know SHIT about 99% of the sports on this planet so dont expect too much detail▪al loves track n dance and spot loves football▪actually al can run rlly fast it's kind of frightening▪extremely well defined muscles from dance▪def into ballet, modern, tap, jazz▪spot can hardly dance▪he knows ballroom dance bc of a class medda made him take and Thats It▪but hes really good at football▪works out. on the daily.▪al works out almost every day but some days he can barely bring himself to get out of bed and spot gets that▪al isnt one of those people who feels better after exercising bc he can barely get himself to do jt▪but he'll read a good book and listen to some nice music and thats his happy place▪sometimes he'll actually just pick spot up out of nowhere and nyoom y'know●a couple months into their relationship is when al tells spot hes adopted ▪spot is surprised bc al couldve told him earlier???? since he knows spot is adopted too▪but albert explains that he was scared bc telling someone hes adopted makes him feel like he has to tell them abt the shit his biological parents did to him

▪so spot tells him that he isnt being forced to talk about it if it makes him feel uncomfortable, and starts Panicking when albert starts crying▪hes all "did i say something wrong???" and albert shakes his head and just tells him that it means a lot that he said that▪now he is significantly ess Panicked▪and albert just like. pulls him into a hug and hes always down for that●neither of them like the snow very much●they stay inside wrapped in every blanket they can find in the house sipping hot chocolate with marshmallows in it and candy canes on the cup●spot is Ready to watch christmas movies on november 1st but al is in post-halloween denial and depression for at least the first 10 days of november▪it makes for a lot of arguments▪"i want to watch white christmas!!!!!!"▪"you can but i REFUSE"▪"can we look for a christmas tree-"▪"nOt YeT"▪spot would Actually Fight Al if he didnt love him so much●albert owns So Many sweaters▪spot does too but he loves to steal albert's▪"am i ever gonna get that back"▪"no probably not"▪"ok cool"●al is the first one to use a pet name▪spot gets really red and cant speak for like 3 minutes the first time albert calls him "babe"▪al is getting a LAUGH outta this hes never seen spot like this before▪"babe youre so cute when you blush oh my god"▪"sH ut up dasilva"▪"whatever you say babe"●spot is the first one to say "i love you"▪he gets really scared bc for a minute there albert is really quiet and just sitting there staring at his hands ▪but then he kisses spot so softly on the lips and spot's just like "o h" in the back of his mind▪and they both pull away after a few minutes and al is smiling really wide and he kisses spot's neck and whispers "i love you, too, spot"●al can bake▪spot Can Not▪spot's amazing at cooking tho▪but hes bitter bc so is albert▪it'll be al's turn to cook dinner one night and spot is eating a cookie from a batch albert baked earlier and hes just like "fuck you"▪"what?"

▪spot gestures to al with the half eaten cookie in his hand and speaks through a mouthful, "you can do both. it’s uNFAIR"▪al dies laughing ●uhhhh hh albert plays guitar and is way better at songwriting than he likes to admit ▪actually spot doesnt even know al writes song until he sees his songbook lying around and decides to look through it a lil▪he loves hearing al play with or without singing▪never hesitates to tell al how freakiNg good he sounds and albert blushes and smiles every time and replies "thanks" rlly softly▪it makes spot's heart melt. every damn time. and he cant help but just kiss his boy▪one time after al finishes playing a song he looks at spot and smiles and hes like "that one was about you"▪spot near CRIES▪ofc. kisses. he loves his bf so much▪eventually he has to be like "put the guitar away albert" so they can go further

●ngl albert proposes at 3am without entirely meaning to

▪like he has a ring n stuff but he was planning to propose on a cute date or something

▪but y'know they cant sleep so theyre in bed talking 

▪"you know what, spot?"

▪"what?"

▪"we should totally get married one day. like. it would be so cool. sean and albert conlon-dasilva"

▪"did you just. actually fucking propose to me at," he turns to check the clock and then turns back to face albert, "3:16 in the fucking morning"

▪albert turns around to grab the ring box out of his nightstand and turns back to face spot before opening it

▪".......yes"

▪what a disaster

▪spot loves him

×××

here u go juls!!!!!! this got really long ajshdsjs so i hope u like it

-sanj 💕

tag list:

@but-let-us-seize-the-day​

@one-candy-cane-please​

@suddenly-im-respecsable​

@intoomanyfandomstopickaname​

@be-more-chill-evan-hansen​

@aw-jus-let-em-try

@bencookisagod​

@well-the-kids-do-too​

@auspicioustarantula​

@spot-conlon-king-of-brooklyn​

@have-we-got-news-for-you​

@not-a-scab​

@newsiesgarbage​

@pineappapizza

@andthewoildwillknow​

@concrete--donuts​

@stopthe-presses​

@thomasbeingthomas

@i-love-loki-and-sherlock

@maxvanna

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Allowing it now would just be a diss at the past me who had to go through all those days and nights begging, crying and yelling at you to do it.

I can’t because I would be breaking a promise that I made to myself over and over, to the irreversible psychological damage, to the ptsd, the stress and adrenaline I have in my body bc now everything is a trigger, the fact that I can’t even function bc of the constant nightmares, everytime I woke up with anxiety, the pain in my chest when you allowed them to have you emotionally and physically.to every single time you chose them over my baby. To everyday you gaslit me, to everyday you convinced me that im worthless when I was giving you everything, to every single day you watched me stay in bed crying, to everyday you watched me cry, to everytime I needed you and you didn’t come, to every single day I spent putting 100% of my heart into it just for you to make the same decisions over and over. To everyday I asked for you, to everyday I begged for you, to everyday I stayed while you did what you wanted, to every single time you had to fuck with somebody else to realize you really only wanted me but refused to love me. To every time you gave me small hope to stay but never changed, to every single person you allowed to disrespect us, to every single time you knew you were lying and to every single time you knew what you were doing was wrong. I said when that time was up it was gonna be up, it came and went and you MADE your choice, loud and clear. You cheated the whole time, you blamed me for every single fucking problem you have when you were like that when I found you. For everytime I had to leave for you to realize what you had, no I was enough when I was in front of you, I was enough every single time, you just aren’t willing to do what you need to do and that’s fine. Go live your fucking life the way you want to. Go fucking do whatever you want whenever you want, go stick your dick in whoever you want whenever you want, go fuck off your money on whatever you want whenever you want it. Go fucking love whoever you want whenever you want, go give somebody everything you knew I needed, bc you did it the whole time any fucking way. Piece of fucking trash. You don’t deserve jt, you don’t derve them and you don’t deserve the fucking time of day. You knew what needed to be done, you knew what you were doing was wrong and you knew you would rather choose porn, video games and stupid bitches over being a father and treating me like I’m human any given fucking day. Go eat shit for all I care. Nobody gives a fuck anymore, you ever stop and realize that most people in your life just tolerate you. I went through hell TWICE you dont get them, you don’t get my communication, you don’t get the satisfaction of another chance bc you do what you did for you and you wake up and only make choices for you, every single thought or action you have.. you do it selfishly and you don’t care to fix that, you lack the self respect that it takes to step up to the plate and grow up. You are who you are and thats cementing into you bc your halfway to thirty and still justify doing the whole “wyd, link?, send nudes?, awe without me?” Stupid shit with any fucking body. Go be trash with the rest of the trash ass men. Go pick up and drop off your little meth whores and little alcoholic whores all you fucking want. Nobody on this end fucking needs you.

For you to realize what you had only when it’s gone. 😂 the audacity. You had your fair share of big chances.

venting here bc nobody i knok irl or online follows me here

so just random stuff so cw+tw// fat shaming, body scars, SH, and any self hatred i could have for myself so just tw for a lot of stuff just in case.

I literally hate everything about myself i can not put into the english language how much i hate myself and every aspect of myself. My personality, the way i look, etc. And one of my friend jokingly calling me fat or saying yeah good dont eat anything else today you’re fat, and any other way of body shaming like that any time i want to eat the smallest snack or eat my first meal of the day at midnight. It fucking hurts. I’ve gone through so much body shaming for fucking years. From my sister and grandma and so many people in my own family, the kids from my second private catholic school, kids from my first public school and from my second public school. It’s so rare i get a compliment and whenever i do on that rare occasion i think they are doing jt out of pity and i can not take a compliment because of all the body shaming and such throughout my life. - And to top that all off i have so many body scars on purpose and on accident and they just make it so much fucking worse i hate them so much and either way on purpose or on accident it’s my fucking fault. The biggest scar i have was an accident and it was a 2nd degree burn and covers most of my right thigh. I got it from when i was boiling water for tea and i was pouring the boiling water into a tall big glass container thinking it probably wouldn’t break and then it did. It fucking shattered. None of the glass cut my thank god but all the water landed on most of my body. I also have a scar on my stomach. It’s not as bad but it’s still there and im scared to even go in public w shorts on unless they go down to my knees. Which means i can really only wear my old PE shorts out. I have some (self inflicted) scars too. Most from freshman year. Like 5 on my left calf and some arm and some on right ankle. Enough of that. The main thing making me upset rn isn’t really texting me back as much and that’s okay but i miss them so much and i miss talking to them as much as i used to. Also another thing bothering me rn that has nothing to do w them but just in general, I haven’t had a real hug in years. I never grew up with affection my dad’s “love language” was gifts and shit and my mom’s… i don’t know maybe gift’s too i don’t remembee much of mh childhood because of my dad and mh parent’s divorce. Anyways yeah i never grew up with affection and by age 8 my parents wanted to start showing affection like physical affection like hugs. And i hated it so much. Idk if it has to do with that or another reason but light touches pain me so muvh like i want to throw up and cry and everything when some one light or soft touches me like trying to hug me or something and it bothers me so much and it hurts like every bone in my body and makes me so god damn uncomfortable. And i really want a real hug again but from like my friend or partner (said partner lives across the country) but i kinda did have my first real hug in years like 2 weeks ago when i saw my cousin (2nd cousin but whatever) and i hadn’t seen her in so long and it’s rare that i do and when i was leaving i hugged her like real hug and it wasnt as bad as i remember hugging people but i still kinda hated it but ig it was fine but yeah. Anyways here’s BLONDE DYLAN OBRIEN ISNT HE AMAZING I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

EPISODE 6 "If Britney Spears Can Get Through 2007 The Villains Can Get Through Tribal Again" -Brian

Hey Alex.... Sad thing is was that I was fighting for you probably the hardest for the longest (hence the Raven crying pic), but then not only does your pal Richie decide to be a lunatic at tribal, but you also were making it quite hard.... I defended you to multiple people, but I can't do anything substantial if A) I don't hear from Linus myself about his potential swing vote and B) You tried to make a deal with Kage to force rocks and not tell me I liked you more than most of these people, but I can't work with someone who makes an alliance and then tries to force it in danger by accepting a selfish proposal to try and save only yourself and not your allies. I think it was just the way the cookie crumbled that it ended up this way....:L gl on the outside, I might be joining u soon.

Where is Nic asking for confessionals when we need him? :P I'm really sad that Alex is gone, I wanted to work closely with he and Richie, so it sucks that he's not around but I'm hoping that Richie and I can work together before too long. Right now I just want to make jury and once I accomplish that I'll feel better! 

What happens when you bring together the 13 most messy, paranoid, villains? Kyoaku? Kyaoku? Kayoaku? Koyaku? I have no clue how to spell out name. But anyway, you get us Also, one more thing FUCK RICHIE FUCK LINUS FUCK JONATHAN

We win again... woohoo. Not anything different, but the more important part of this round is that I couldn't figure out how finding the idol went, since I'm pretty inexperienced, and honestly would've never figured that out, so I asked Steffen for help, and he goes ahead and just punches in a magic word into a url, and he found the idol and is now choosing to not give it to me, after it being all me who found it for us. I am clearly trusting Steffen for now, but I know he is a VERY smart player, and I wouldn't be surprised if he fucked me over at the end of the day, but I get a strong feeling that he won't do it to me. I just don't think he would, and if he did, it'd probably be one of the shadiest moves that could be pulled, but I'm also not trying to use this thing y'know. It'd be killer if I found it, figured everything out, and Steffen just punched in the URL, and he needed it to save himself and I didn't need it at all. My only concern is if one of us is holding onto it, and then the other needs it played on them, then that's going to leave the person playing the idol VERY vulnerable, but that's something we're just going to have to roll with, and going back to my previous point, if we even need to use this thing, it's a sign of weakness, but also a great tool for us to have in our back pockets. 

People are constantly criticizing my game but messy or not, when it comes down to it, my social game has saved me 3 times in a row now

crow and sarah can eat the entirety of my ass tbh GOD i hate being on a tribe with these people.... after the mess that was the rocks scenario crow came to me and was like "have you talked to alex he has a plan for an alliance" and i went to alex and said ".....crow and sarah didnt they just vote you out?" and he was like "they came to me my dude" so whatever i never trusted them because sarah was sketchy about the hinky vote against me at the rocks tribal... BUT i thought okay theres no reason for them to go thru all this trouble if they were just going to vote out me or alex like we're at the bottom no reason to string us along i guess we could come together vote out kage this one round and from there maybe a unified tribe would allow for more moves for me in the upcoming rounds.... but shortly before tribal brian comes to me and is like im voting out alex i dont want there to be a tie bc crow and sarah are voting alex so im like okay theyre votes are already in for alex and you cant change votes this wont cause IMMEDIATE consequences and im going to need alex still here to back me up for this so 15 minutes before tribal i start WW3 asdfjhasfk i call out sarah and crow for the alliance and for sarah blaming junior for the hinky vote against me blah blah more goes down i say more things alex says things they say things everythings a mess and im just trying to paint the image that those 2 are liars and expose them just in the off chance that someone believes me and has an ounce of doubt against them bc with alex leaving and those 2 lying about it i was alone on this tribe anyway with no real social connections so id be gone next tribal.....but of course we lost the duel immediately after alex was voted out and i went crazy so i dont really have the time to do damage control at this point now its just campaigning which is going to be.................difficult i already went to junior kage and tommy with some campaigning last night but idk im going to need a miracle or someone to realize that i'm an asset that can be used like anyone who saves me right now gains an ally that has no other connections besides them so im prime numbers material in arabia i played such an under the radar social game where even when i backstabbed people and voted everyone out (except ting ting RIP) and i still got them to vote for me in the end bc i formed relationships and remained a likable positive quiet game player.... in this game.... BITCH i'm JT the winner that should have just played once because they just blow up their game from being extra in the next go around 

okay remember the last time i wrote a confessional i was in the mindset of i know i'm going down but i'm going to do everything in my power to stay? well fuck that i swear to god i'd rather be voted out than ever have to have another conversation with tommy again i have never met anyone who is more infuriating to speak to and i CANT DO IT I"D RATHER BE VOTED OUT ITS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!    

On 9/6/17, at 6:28 PM, cat (japan host) wrote: > okay FIRST it all started when i woke up and had to live another day Honestly I'm Cat

Hey I haven't been here in a while because we literally haven't lost since Mist. Not that there haven't been any developments, because their have been! It's just that the villains suck booty. And they're losing their 5th person in a row tonight. I wasn't really pressed about any of the eliminations other then Jaiden. I wasn't sure if I would have been able to work with him, but I was able to get quite a bit of info out of him. And now my outlet for villain tea is kinda gone. And the fact that I was in Canada all last weekend didn't help me in finding a villain tea substitute. BUT with all of them dropping like flies, it's hard to tell who would be a good candidate :') Other than Jaiden, we saw Ashley go which is fine because she's from India and I want them dead. Alex S went too so that's a thing. I feel like I need to really start messaging some of these villains to gain a connection - whether we swap any time soon or not there's an inevitable merge that there's a chance I could be at. The problem is though, I don't wanna really talk to any of them asdfghjk. Tommy and Sarah sketch me out, Brian and I are not on good terms, and while Linus and Kage could be chaotic and spill shit, I don't wanna get caught up in their messes. That leaves Richie, Junior, and Jonathan. Which obviously one of these 8 is going tonight, so I won't start messaging until after the tribal. I'm still skeptical of a swap and I'm hoping one doesn't happen so I can utilize getting close to the villains that I want to before we ACTUALLY meet up with them. But as for tea on the hero side, there's an obvious conflict on who we would hypothetically take out if we go to tribal. With 12 of us, we need 7 so someone isn't Jaiden'd. The main argument is whether to go for a Malaysian or to just take out Steffen. The thing is, I've been getting really close to Johnny and I think he trusts me. And he wants to bring in Steffen for a strong Solomon 5. Now, I don't want that to last forever seeing as I want Steffen gone soon anyway. But I think we need him for one round. Because the Malaysia/India hybrid duo of Kendall and Alex is a major problem. And Drew is someone who is just a massive threat to begin with. But Isaac still just wants Steffen gone. And he doesn't think that we could take out someone like Kendall or effectively take out Alex with Pippa being close to him. HERE'S THE GAG THOUGH! I talked to Pippa for a little bit one on one today, and she is totally down with taking out Kendall or Alex. The thing is, they both seem a little bit checked out. Kendall has 2 strikes, and Alex has kinda died out since his audition. Which... I absolutely feel for them if they're dealing with real life struggle. But at the same time if they're not gonna be super invested and if one of them already has 2 strikes then I won't question voting them out. So if Isaac knows Pippa is down to come for one of them, then we have the Solomon 5 already. Then it comes down to the outliers of Dom, Trace, Ruthie, and Ashton. I know Pippa and Johnny both really like Dom separately. Isaac likes Trace. I personally like Ashton but dunno how long we could trust him because he seems like he could have a chaotic side to him. And then there's Ruthie who I just would prefer not to really work with long term because she's such a social threat, and if we swap or get to merge way down the line or whatever and Ruthie is there, I feel like she's someone villains would definitely flock to for a potential number because she's so social and kind. And I know girl can be a flipper. So this just comes down to who do we wanna take out, and getting enough people on the same page for my own agenda. Because at the end of the day this is to benefit MY agenda the most. Isaac wants out Steffen still, and I was already able to talk Pippa out of going for Drew first. If we could get a Malaysia/India person out, then Drew, then Steffen, that would be the most optimal. Will it happen? Probably not just because that's so specific. However, it is still at least an outline that I would like to ATTEMPT trying to follow.