I'm starting to question if I should even bother with the stupid paper.... I'm probably just gonna fail anyways lmao

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"well at least I'll get good sleep tonight" they said, not getting good sleep tonight

Just discovered theres less than a thousand people diagnosed with Loeys-Dietz type 4 in the united states no wonder no one even knows we exist :(

oh i think I'm going to throw myself into a ravine actually

vent in tags againnn

Man I've gotta be mean more often Im so sick of being polite abt bigotry I should just start killing ppl fr

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fucking. whatever honestly

i need to drop out of school and quit my job and move into a random cave in a forest and never be seen again

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A Father's Love

Summary - Eris comforts his pregnant mate after a small breakdown. Eris x pregnant!reader

Warnings - pregnancy and mental health

A/N - This isn't something I've previewed, but I had to use some of the things my baby daddy said to me in a drabble (because oof my heart exploded) and it felt nice to have an outlet for the icky pregnancy guilt and worries Im dealing with. Hopefully, you all melt at this, too..

ps- I'm thinking about adding a dad drabble series masterlist to my page. Let me know if you'd like that.

Word count - 550

Eris held your hand from across the table, the calloused pad of his thumb dancing across and between your knuckles as you cried.

"No one said it would be this hard," another round of sobbing shook your shoulders. "No one said we would ride this high and reality would hurt when it crashed." Eris just nodded. Staying silent and allowing you to vent while those amber eyes softened in love and concern.

You rose your shaking free hand, wiping the warm tears from your face. "And then to top it all off, I'm so selfish right now I did not even notice you were worried or a shift in your emotions. I didn't even feel it through the bond-"

"Stop." Eris demanded. His tone was still gentle, but he was firm, his face now set in a serious line. "Do not even concern yourself for a moment with my feelings or needs right now. We are talking about you."

"That's the problem, the past 8 months have been about me and what I want, what I need, what the I'll need after birth, what baby will need. What about you, Eris? When do we discuss what you need?"

He moved to you, then, feet guiding him gracefully across the floor as he placed your hands on his warm chest. You could feel his heartbeat, pacing in its soft rhythm, and it calmed you enough to bring you back from the tipping point you were approaching. "I am not the one whose body is constantly changing," he began. "I am not the one who is about to have to change my diet, my habits, and ignore my wants for the next year to feed our child." 

He leaned in kissing your forehead. "I am not the one who asked to wait a few more years then had to cry alone for several weeks until I was ready to talk about how our protection failed. I am not the one sacrificing so much. You are, my love. We will talk about me and my needs when they matter."

He smiled softly. "Besides, I picked her name. I picked her coming home outfit. I picked her nursery colors, her first stuffie, her toy room theme. If my opinion was given, you immediately compromised or switched plans." His hand went down to your swollen stomach. "You didn't even allow anyone else to feel her until you ensured I did first."

You still sniffled. "But aren't you mad?"

Eris looked slightly taken back, two fingers coming to tilt your fallen chin up and ensure you held eye contact with him. "You are growing my legacy, our child. How could I be mad at you for being in pain, tired, or crying? There's no words I can say to express how blessed and grateful I am." Your jaw trembled as he leaned in and kissed you. "Do you understand?" You nodded, and he stared at your stomach, waiting. "Someone needs her mommy to take a few deep breaths, drink a hot chocolate, and have a snack." Eris moved, instantly over to the cabinet you two had been hiding your cravings in and pulled out your box of chocolates. "Let's go be lazy, read in bed, and eat these." He held a hand to you, waiting for you to take it and smiled widely when you did. "There's my girl. Now, regular hot chocolate or fancy hot chocolate?"

You sniffled again, significantly more calm this time as he led you into your shared bed chambers. "Fancy."

He smiled again, kissing your forehead, then your nose. "Get changed, get comfy. I'll be back with hot chocolate smothered in marshmallows and whipped cream."

im just going to put a little rant about my personal life here, not really expecting anyone to read but this is like therapy i guess lol. this is about a recent ex and i need to vent but i have no one that isnt neutral in this so here ya go tumblr

I recently broke up with a partner after we met in person for the first time and I've been telling everyone that it was a mutual decision and that we just weren't compatible and all that but honestly i need to fucking rant about it because it really fucking wasn't tbh. She was my first ever relationship and i was still pretty early in my transition (pre hormones) when we started dating long distance, i was obviously super fucking happy and it was pretty good for a while, we didn't talk as much as i would have liked and she wasn't super affectionate but it was fine, she introduced me to being poly and ill always be thankful for that. We met up in person this year, polycule met up. she was staying in her other partners room and i in my other partners room, i was rotating sleeping in each room so i got to spend that time evenly with both of them. after like 3 nights i was with her and her partner in bed going to sleep when her partner couldnt sleep because of a loud cricket and it being fairly warm, (me being aussie didnt really mind,) she had this little rant about not being able to sleep and it felt fairly targeted at me and then suddenly i was being "asked" to leave so she could sleep. in the middle of the night, i was completely naked except for my panties and i couldnt just go to the couch because we had a persons mum staying out there (unrelated) so i was suddenly kicked out of sleeping with my partner by her partner with 0 defence or even a goodbye, i seriously considered sleeping in the bath or on the floor i was so hurt but i snuck into my other partners room, waking them both up and feeling even worse for it. After this incident i was too scared to try and sleep in with my ex again because that room was no longer a safe and shared space if i could just be kicked out in the middle of the night mostly naked. Not once did my ex offer an alternative arrangement or a way we could share a night together to help.

Following on from this my ex and her partner were hanging out a lot, i wasn't confident driving in america just yet (and obviously didn't have my own car) so i couldn't really spontaneously do things with her the way she seemed to love doing with her partner. i didn't get too disheartened by this because obviously we could just plan stuff in advanced...well i tried, multiple times, i asked if we could go on dates and she just never got back to me (i was very anxious so pushing on this was hard and probably didn't help but still, i shouldn't have to do all the fucking effort) I had multiple talks with her about how i felt like we didn't have a shared space to hang in and we should plan some stuff to do together because of it, she seemed to agree each time and then again nothing changed. I was getting real self conscious and afraid, did she just not love me after meeting in person? did i do something? did something happen that i don't know about? but she said nothing like that happened and she was just tired from traveling and needed a lot of time to herself (btw she always would take this "self" time in her partners bedroom.....the one i had been kicked out of previously...) honestly this went on for longer than it should of, one of the big red flags looking back was when i had a big talk with her about i want to hang out with her more, even if its just in the same room doing different things, i wanted to just be near her even if we weren't doing anything ya know. the literal next day after this talk i asked her if i could come hang out (in the bedroom) with her. she replied with a no....the day after this talk and it fucking devastated me. i felt so rejected and hurt, like how could she just say no like that when i just told her how hurt i am that we don't do anything together.

a lot of other problems came up in that house during the trip that i wont really go into but as the weeks past she seemed to consistently choose her partner over me time after time, there would be days where we just wouldn't talk, i would try and look her way and get a "good morning" or anything but it just felt like nothing in return, honestly it felt like we weren't even friends let alone partners of over 2 years. and i admit, i withdrew from her fairly hard, i was scared and afraid and i couldn't deal with it anymore after trying and trying to fix it so i decided that id just let her "take the lead" on how she wanted the relationship to go hoping that this was just a phase and she was just nervous....nothing changed.

Because of us lacking a shared space we rarely got to have any intimate moments (not even talking about sex, im talking cuddling to sleep or waking up together, basic shit) and i just assumed she was like that because we had talked about her being on the ace spectrum and all that, but then her partner would keep bringing up cute or sexy things they had done together....mainly dumb stuff and fooling around together, cute relationship stuff that i was getting none of, nothing at all, barely even kisses. One night we were pretty high and one of these situations came up and they were laughing and being embarrassed about it and just talking as if it was normal and something they do all the time, i had to hide in the bathroom and cry it upset me so much, up until this point i didnt know this was happening, she had said she didnt want to do this stuff at all and shes just doing it with her other partner? again was i not good enough? did i do something wrong? did she not love me?

This stuff kept happening, i felt like a secondary partner, only there when she wasnt able to be with her main, and even then barely at all. she denied it and said everyone was equal, that was always my understanding but nothing fucking changed again. nothing.

They would barely talk to us, we would often be out and they would just suddenly have decided they were gonna go for coffee somewhere and leave, no invite no discussing it with the group fucking nothing over and over. they would often smoke at night to relax and i was never invited out with them, never. they claimed it was an "open invite" just like the bedroom i had been actively removed from, but they would do it without saying thats what they doing, or they would sit on a chair outside only built for 2 people, making joining hard and uncomfortable.

I spent a lot of my nights crying, my other partner trying to comfort me without getting to involved, i had no idea what i was doing, i couldnt recognise that i needed to end the relationship and they didnt want to push that, it wasnt their place. they felt robbed of time with me because i had to spend so much energy fighting this fight and i was exhausted, i felt so unwanted and unloved.

Honestly im fucking furious, at every fucking corner she said she loved me and wanted to fix things and nothing ever fucking changed. we still share a friend group and i cant just fucking talk shit about her because then id feel like a cunt, i dont want to be that person but im soooo angry and upset, over two years together and it meant nothing, i dont care what she says about the memories, it certainly doesnt feel like she enjoyed my company or my fucking time. FUCK. Ive barely mentioned everything that happened, a 3 month trip is too much to vent out in a single post and this is already way bigger than i expected, i just needed to get it out that no im not fucking ok. i cant tell her because whats the fucking point now, and her partner would probably hate me for this rant anyway so fuck that, although idk how much i give a shit anymore, a lot of those nights were miserable and i can pinpoint the blame to both of them and it makes me so so angry and sad that i have to vent to myself on tumblr like this.

guess my first relationship ending poorly wasnt unexpected lol.

If anyone actually read all of this wow im impressed, idk why but good job lol. idk what else to say tbh. fuck i guess

have to explode about this somewhere or i simply will not make it

i am so fucking mad at my mom. i realize in isolation everything happening recently is totally innocuous and normal, it's just like. in context that it hurts.

i hate that she's sick with Probably Covid and asking me for a bunch of extra favors. i had to wash her a cup for water because she didn't feel good the other day, yesterday i had to do her laundry, today i had to cook for her. if this were like, between anybody else it would be fine. it's just like. agh

i feel so angry that she wants me to take care of her and i've ALWAYS taken care of her and i always feel like she just does not give a fuck about my most basic needs beyond "well, lestat's not dead!". it makes me feel ungrateful because i know she does nice stuff for me sometimes too, it's just like, it hurts when i always hide when i'm upset and barely ask her for anything even when i'm in such bad physical pain that i can't function. like most of the time if i'm too unwell to make something to eat i just go without food. i don't like asking her for things and i always feel like there's a limit to how often i can ask for her help, and that i have to be careful to mostly be a kind of pleasant background decoration that never imposes on her.

i always had to be her mom, ever since i was a kid. even when i was little she wasn't consistent and would berate me or get angry with me for just, like, being a kid and wanting or needing stuff. meanwhile i've always been like her little stuffed animal to talk to when she's sad. she always acted like she loves me so much and we're so close but mostly like i'm a possession of hers. i just like. i dont know. im so hung up on when she was drinking and high on coke and she said to me like, "oh id much rather just have a roommates relationship with you instead of being like mother and son." explains much about like, my Entire fucking childhood!

and then she takes credit for how i've turned out as if she raised me, like, i feel like not only did i raise myself but i'm raising her half the time trying to explain basic things about emotional regulation and hereditary mental issues and shit, being the first person she comes to for everything, always having to calm her down or support her when she's venting when i KNOW i can't rely on her in the same way or tell her any of the really challenging issues i have, like just. it's not fair. it's so tiring. materially i am very grateful that she is willing to let me stay with her and that she understands i'm disabled and can't work right now and tries to still help me live a comfortable life (and, cynically, i feel that she's kind of okay with me being in this kind of bad position as long as i don't leave), i know i'm lucky to have food and shelter and things like that.

i just like. man i don't know. i feel like i've been holding this back for days because i just fucking feel like it's so unfair that whenever mom feels bad i'm Favors Boy and i can be expected to do anything for her that she wants, but when i feel bad it's like, locking myself in the bathroom trying to cry quietly enough that she won't notice to clean off blood after cutting, or holing up in my room with a migraine and having to drag myself out of bed to use my Very Little Energy to make myself coffee or get water and then not being able to eat because im too tired to make myself anything substantial and god forbid i ask her, and then after i have my bad episode she's like Hey so i know you have a bad leg and stairs make it worse but i dont like taking out the trash so can that still be your job. it's not like the front steps are even THAT bad it's just like, ok, im so glad you thought about my limp. of course she wouldnt though it's literally her fault my leg is so fucked up and when i went to the hospital for it way back when and it didn't turn out to be a broken bone she was all like haha i told you so! and then laughed at me when i tripped and fell on my crutches coming home. she just does not give a fuck. but ohhhh lestat would you mind feeding me like a baby bird.....your poor old mother is so sick and feeble.....

Im so tired man I'm just so tired

I'm tired of being the friend who people can vent to

I'm tired of being the friend who helps with everything

I'm tired of doing everything for people and expecting nothing back

I'm tired of mediating arguments and drama

I'm tired of being in the middle of drama and not being able to mediate

I'm tired of asking people how they're doing

I'm tired of praying my friends don't kts every time I go to bed or to school

I'm tired of constantly checking on people because they keep setting their status to sos

I'm tired of feeling like I do everything for my friends

Im tired of not feeling like I'm able to vent because I have to be strong and happy for my friends

Im tired of bottling up my feelings and my pain

Im tired of feeling weird and bad when I accidentally vent or say something about my past

Im tired of not being able to fully trust anyone

Im tired of being the way I am

Im tired of putting people in time out because they keep posting inappropriate stuff

Im tired of every time I start falling in love with somebody I lose contact and/or we're unhealthy

Im tired of school. I'm tired of work. I'm tired of home. But the internet makes me tired too

But I can't leave because I'm scared. I'm scared that if I'm not there, everything will go for the worse

Im scared that without me my friends would all kts and I'd be left with no one and they'd be gone

Im scared that without me drama will happen and I won't be there to mediate

Im scared that I'll miss out on the things that make it worth it

Im scared that it's not worth it either way and they'd be happier with me gone

Im scared and I'm tired and I just want a break but I can't take a break, I can't, it's not possible, and that scares and tires me even more

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hihi !! new account because i& lost my& last one , but i&ll get straight to the point . this might get into vent territory so i&ll cut it off just in case !!

i& am in debilitating pain 24 / 7 . i& have a high heart rate + high blood pressure , and my& joints always hurt . my& toes , ankles , knees , hips , entire back , shoulders , traps + neck , and the base of my& skull always hurt , with my& sensitive areas being knees , hips , and neck .

along with this , i& am always fatigued . i& wake up around 10 and go to bed around 8 [ when i& can ] , and am never able to fight off my& tired feeling .

after almost two years and two canes later , my& mother brought me& to the doctor . i& go , do my& physical , get my& blood + urine drawn the next week for every test BUT the one i& thought they'd do [ a crp for inflammation ] , and i& go home and wait .

nothing . they said i& was sick , on my& period [ blood in urine ] , and dehydrated , and nothing else .

now everyone in my& house is acting like im crazy .

i& dont know what to do , and every time i& think about it , i& cry . two years of waiting for ... nothing . i& cant stand without support , i& was kicked out of band for my& inability to march correctly , and i& cant go up / down the stairs without falling .

it hurts . living hurts . my& partner and friends are the only ones who believe me& and my& family is treating it like its all in my head , that im& working myself up over nothing . that life is supposed to be like this .

it isnt , something in me& KNOWS its not . something in me& knows that this is not normal , and every time someone says that they go even a few minutes without pain i& just want to curl up and cry .

standing hurts right now , laying down hurts right now . i& barely have enough energy to make this post because my& fingers are cramping and i&m so fucking tired . its 2am , way past when i& sleep , and i&m up crying because i&m in so much pain .

i& just need advice , feel free to scroll .