#idk what to tw this w but for the record its late night free rambles for my four week appt lmao so theres that lmao. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jvzebel-x · 1 year

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four week review/pre-up nonsense:

♡ being an objectively kind person is always easier while disassociating, but it does always raise the question of whether it makes it more or less real

(vs whether being kind being difficult makes it more or less real)

(vs whether any of this is relevant to each other)

♡ the intrusive thoughts have not stopped (or like. lessened. lmao) but they have been easier to stop from spiraling+recognize the starts of spiraling.

this is likely (&unfortunately) a sign that upping the dosage is the right move.

♡ exactly half the time i think i'm actually more creative because i'm slightly more likely to actually complete my ideas (vs performance anxiety eating me alive)

&half the time i am in fact positive that my creativity is ruined&i'll never recover&it will always be a choice between madness&being boring (a choice i will fail at every time which is unfortunate but also not surprising bc its mostly on purpose)

♡ my memory is perhaps better than its ever been, as is my awareness of my actions.

will continue to monitor whether this is acceptable, because if it continues to be a hindrance, it isn't, lmao.

remembering now why i've spent large portions of my life running from my own memories. am i really expected to process these things? what a waste of time.

♡ my view on forgiveness has not changed at all, lmao, so the worst it can be is a personality defect, not a mental illness, as far as i'm concerned, lmao.

♡ my anger issues have not gotten better but they have gotten easier to control+manage. i feel less like a rabid dog. more... rabid bunny. much easier to cage&much fluffier to look at when detached.

this feels acceptable, but only if not directly reliant upon the disassociation. everything is always toned down with the disassociation, lmao, that isn't a decent tradeoff.

♡ have been intaking way too much yandere media as of late. most significant passive sign for concern in regards to my mental+emotional state sliding backwards, lmao.

♡ perfection. perfection. perfection. i. need. to. be. perfect.

most significant active sign for concern in regards to my mental+emotional state sliding backwards, lmao.

♡ no sudden spike in suicidal tendencies, including/especially dangerous situations.

definitive win.

♡ seeing as most/all of my confidence comes from defiance (most aptly demonstrated by the fact that it primarily appeared right around deciding to stay out to keep from being outted), slightly to the left of my body makes that significantly easier to pull off.

value also debatable. keeping my head up while walking down the street being easier is useful, but also not worth the disassociation tradeoff, &also much more likely to be reliant on it, lmao.

♡ remembering (not that i ever really forgot lmao) why strong feelings&passion, of virtually any sort, have been my most consistent and damning drugs for virtually the whole of my life. def my whole adulthood.

i have spent all day fucking with the newly bloodied hole in my head because i don't how to keep myself from feeling if feeling is an option, lmao. this is the poetic way of saying i have no self control.

♡ clearly, my ability to romanticize total fucking nonsense is still here. yet another personality defect at worst, lmao.

♡ the idea of an oncologist who specializes in gastric cancers&disordered eating still makes me nauseous as all fuck, but it no longer makes my vision blur with the heart palpitations.

definitive win.

♡ i think i'm harder on myself when i disassociate to any degree. or maybe thinking that in general is giving myself too much credit. i feel a little like dr. manhattan while he reflects on time from outside of it. is this proof that i hate myself or proof that i think too highly of myself?

the meds were supposed to make the mania happen less, not make it harder for me to figure out if it's going on. will continue to monitor-- like that'll make it any easier.

♡ i get a minimum of ~350 calories a day from actual food&not only juice now because the idea of lapsing on my meds&rebounding terrifies me, lmao. i can hate myself enough at any given moment to let my anxiety make me starve, but not nearly enough to make myself go through that. lmao.

definitive win.

♡ at least half of my doing this right now is to avoid having to sleep.

the meds were supposed to make sleep easier. this has been decidedly untrue.

♡ the taste of blood in my mouth is such a regular occurrence that i didn't notice it at all during the procedure or at any point after today.

this kind of stupid observation is exactly why disassociation is bullshit, actually, &i would rather feel than not. anything. feel anything. than not.

♡ i wonder how much of this is actually gonna make it into my appointment, lmao. i'm positive i can edit most of this into roughly acceptable for a learned doctor. maybe not the yandere thing or the confidence thing, but probably at least ~75%.

♡ believe it or not (&i don't i think), the disassociation issue with these meds has actually been getting a little better. i don't know if this is optimism (cause: obvious) or masochism (cause: fretting over the upped dosage probably resetting it)

♡ i owe the goddamn red string everything for never abandoning me along the way, goddammit, so i guess there's no getting around any of this if i ever expect to be half way stable enough to pay it all back.

every single day i wish i didn't believe in destinies or needing to be worthy of them, good or bad, lmao.

#idk what to tw this w but for the record its late night free rambles for my four week appt lmao so theres that lmao.#something something think therefore i am. something something tree falls in the woods&no one hears it did it fall???#idk im Unwell thats the whole reason why i have to do this nonsense in the first place lmao #i do genuinely believe at the very least the bulk of this is salvagable however so ill get on that after sleep&food tomorrow. or w/e. lmao.

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