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wishingfornever · 6 years

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9/10/17 – Heavy Contact: Perpetual Slumber

I crave… so much. I crave you, I crave sugar, I crave alcohol… right now, I just want to indulge. I’m so hungry. T-T

It’ll be worth it. When I’m not fantasizing about fitting an entire cake in my mouth, I’m thinking about the dream children we had together. Isn’t that fucking dumb? It sounds dumb, even to me. I mean, let’s be honest: I’d be the world’s greatest father. Nothing wrong with my fathering abilities at all. You’d be somewhat mediocre, obviously. ;) Kidding, kidding. Still, it’s weird. Cynthia. Such a strange name. I’m not sure how I’d feel about it as a name. It’s kind of blunt, not very fluid. CynTHia. I don’t like that “Th” sound. Maybe there is some sort of cute pet name that would be more sufficient. I don’t know why but my dreams have been more… vivid as of late. I try to pay attention. I don’t think they mean anything, I mean Las Vegas could never flood. I’ve been there. The communist thing in Paris might be symbolic but it’s kind of… meh. I don’t think they mean anything but the cat having a voice and then sort of possessing you was super scary. Btw, it’s currently 12:05. Been writing since midnight struck so, yeah. Hi again, it’s me basically from the same day.

Whatever… Jer and I will be talking to each other tomorrow via voice chat. Or today, I guess. I want to get some writing done, so I hope I will. I’m going to try and finish it to the best of my ability. I’ll have Jer read it, but the thing is he can’t edit it if he reads it unless I’m there. It’s not hands on. Worse yet, my grammar is probably the best among all my friends.

That sucks. If I have to rely on someone I know to edit, they’ll be inferior to my own designs. And I will be biased because I can miss my mistakes. There is no justice in the world. I think I’m going to cave and just grab something to eat; hopefully something small and light in calories. After the food from Mazatlan Grill, I am pushing it for calories. But, it… should be healthy. Healthier, at least. Thing about Mexican food is that there are a lot of veggies. That’s why it was considered a gift from god by the pope, because it has all the food groups and is relatively balanced and super delicious.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck, I’m hungry. Brb

You won’t be able to guess what I found in the fridge. Unless you do. Not the point! The point is, I found MEXICAN FOOD!!! Like there were several tacos, fully loaded with big tortillas. I just grabbed one and slapped in the microwave for 2 minutes and left with that, a banana, and a bottle of water. It’s cool because we were just talking about how great Mexican food is. There was sour cream, no cheese. Also beef. So, I assume it was relatively high in… CALORIES!!! Yeah, that happens. Banana was good. Super sweet and I might get another one.

I feel so much better. I’m trying not to pig out, but food is just amazing. So is this water. Everything just tastes better right now. Thanks, Cynthia. ;)

You know, it’s occurred to me that you may be reading this and be thinking to yourself, “Ooooooh, I see. You’re crazy, huh?” It occurred to me when I started this. In reality, this has helped me cope. I never understood why people had journals but it’s sort of relieving. Then again, I intend for my journal to be read.

A little ironic, my book began as an After-Action Report (AAR) which is basically RP updates about your game. My character was… Diego! Go figure. It was part of this mod for Mount and Blade: Warband. This mod is based in 1809 (a year after my book starts) and I was playing in Prussia. Diego will be going to Prussia. And, of course, he had a JOURNAL and that’s how I did the AAR. It was pretty popular. He was sort of a cynic which is what I plan to have him become in the second book. Spoilers, btw. All the characters were made there. Some had different names like Sarvar but same general concept. Atlas was supposed to be evil-ish. Avdotya didn’t stray too far from her source material. It’s ironic, eh?

Oof. Might have pigged out a little bit. Grabbed myself another burrito + banana + water. I feel so stuffed but I’m sooooooo happy. I’ll make up for it this week. It was loaded with bellpeppers and onions. But this had beef… and cheese. I might have thrown it together and gone a little bit too deep. Kinda regretting not exercising yesterday, but I was a little saddened by your response.

Not your fault; I just wasn’t ready for it.

You, know, I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a political book detailing all the dumb crap the US does. It’s bound to sell if it’s “edgy” enough. Maybe I’ll do that instead of the second book… Of which, I need to change the order around. Sarvar is now third and Atlas is second. So, the next book will begin with Atlas’s story. It’s better chronologically and it’d probably have far more action and will be before Atlas begins to shoulder everything.

That said, the sweat pants I have. Gonna wear them and exercise today. Those pants though were given to me by Daniel. Again, super nice guy. He was talking about a few dark things yesterday and sort of hinted. I hope you’re keeping an eye on him.

So, I see you left Regional Alliance for the Communist Bloc. Which is interesting. During the second nuclear war, I made a few allies within their ranks. Unfortunately, you probably think I kicked Dennis because I was being petty. Maybe. However, someone noticed his currency was child pornography. Thus, in order to save face I took it upon myself as the most vocal communist state to ban him.

I notice he’s in the Communist Bloc as well… You’re making a bad decision siding with Dennis. Really bad. Not just in NationStates but in general. I noticed you’re still online. I’m going to probably upset you, but I’m going to ask why you’re siding so much with Dennis. I see you’re online, so I dropped a message. I wonder what he’s been telling you. He betrayed me, a friend of 12 years. What makes you think he’d stand by you? You know he lies. He’s admitted it. Is it because you feel sorry for him? Is it because you’re angry with me? I guarantee, you won’t be happy with him. My dad kicked me out for a little while before I went to Texas the first time. Dennis isn’t exactly the most hospitable. If you think I was inactive, you’re in for a treat. If you think him going to the gym with Daniel is evidence of anything, it’s because of Daniel that he goes. Without Daniel, he’ll have no drive. But, I’m not concerned. I know you’ll see this and I know you’ll be disappointed again. I’m not sure you’ll come back because you might fear “I told you so.” I wouldn’t bring it up if you did come back, however, so don’t harm yourself further. If you need help with Dennis, then ask me and I’ll help. Of course, I have no respect for him right now. I’ve began to recall all the SHITTY things he’s done to me, Daniel, and Shane. I’m bitter and I’m biased, but that doesn’t mean I’m ignorant. I know how he is. He’s a piece of shit. You’ll see for yourself soon. I’m not even mad.

I do want to revisit what he told you. It horrifies me that he was able to turn you against me so easily. Admittedly, I wasn’t the best boyfriend but I wasn’t the worst boyfriend. I was inactive. You said it yourself; I felt like a roommate. I wasn’t mean or cruel to you but you made it seem like I was. I trust this is because Dennis told you that I’m ready to throw down at a moments notice or some shit.

I’m more into verbal confrontation than physical confrontation. I don’t need to raise a fist, but I’ll defend myself. I told you about what happened in Texas. I defended myself each time. That’s basically the only two fights I’ve gotten in in my adult life. Not that bad, all things considering. The reason for each was too much partying. It wasn’t even me doing the partying for both, I had just gotten off work and came back to fucking drama.

That’s something I wish you weren’t doing. Partying too much. I probably won’t stop you from drinking and smoking pot, but I’m not going to endorse it.

You do have a really skewed image of me. Deny it if you want to, but it’s true. One of the most traumatizing things since this happened were your wide and confused eyes. You thought I hated you? Who gave you that idea? Me, sitting by myself hating life? Or was it perhaps Dennis? Then you thought I was going to hurt Dennis? You thought I was going to hurt you?

I have a temper, but it’s mostly benign. I’m sorry you’ve had to experience it, but I’d never hurt you out of anger. I’m not sure I could hurt Dennis either, and I hate him. Like, literally, as far as I’m concerned the bridges are burned. But I wouldn’t hit him. Except when I met him when I came back from Texas the first time, but I didn’t hit him hard. It was a surprise. We hugged afterwards. Again, I never hated Dennis until he turned you against me. I never hated Daniel, either. I never hated Shane. I don’t hate many people.

I want to offer you an invitation to Adela’s. Honestly, I don’t know what you’re going to do. You made it seem like Texas wasn’t an option anymore. But, whatever the case, you can still come with me. You can have window and I’ll try to give you your space. I’ll try not to talk much. I didn’t want to message you today or yesterday but idk. Something told me I should reach out. I blame those weird dreams.

I’m going to be more active, I guess. I’m going to try to not mention how bad I feel or felt when talking to you. I’ll force myself to be cordial, sort of like what you said you were doing while we were in person. That still hurts, you know? I forgave you, though, so I’m healing. I just wish you knew what I forgave you for.

After this sentence, there will be 9585 words in this journal. I think that includes the number but I’m not sure. I’m not going to talk about Dennis anymore in today’s entry, so please keep reading.

I couldn’t get much sleep after that dream. Have a lot of time to think. Cynthia was such a little brat. Very annoying. Could totally be your daughter. Same shade of hair, with oversized pink glasses. Honestly, I feel if we did have children they’d have darker hair but who knows? Our dream son was only a toddler. Like, either he couldn’t speak yet or he was shy. Had dark hair and a bowl cut. Also a nerd.

Hopefully, if we do ever have children, they’ll have my eyesight. I know you don’t want them but it’s hypothetical, so why not imagine? Remember how we were talking about names? Avril was one I was really big on. I guess you convinced me to go with Cynthia. Not sure how, but you did it. Probably put it in the contract while I wasn’t looking. We should probably have a witness when we sign it, just to ensure both our safety. If we do redo the contract, we’ll have to avoid intentionally hiding certain topics. It was fun for the earlier contracts, but I want us to get serious again. Hopefully we will be. I’d forgive Dennis for everything if it meant another chance at being your boyfriend. Not just friend, but boyfriend. Otherwise, wouldn’t be worth it. A friend would have helped our relationship, not profit from it. Thus, we’ll need to get back together before I can forgive him again. Look at that. I said I wouldn’t talk about Dennis but I did anyways. Really, it’s more talking about us. His involvement is moot. Still, said I wouldn’t mention it. It’s frustrating. No more after this, I promise.

It’s weird that you needed space from me. I mean… you had all the space you wanted. Again, super inactive roommate. That’s one of the things that has baffled me about this entire affair, but if you need it you’ll get it. I want to work with you. Of course, it’s hard to measure progress while you’re away.

What really upset me was it felt like you were making excuses to not finish things. Like… it was supposed to be Thursday for you to do all these things. Then Saturday. Then Wednesday. I was prepared for you to take your things, but you kept postponing. I thought I did something wrong because we weren’t talking. I should have trusted you, but… it’s hard. I felt like I was doing something wrong and I didn’t know how to improve on it.

I said a lot of very hurtful things, iirc. I did hurtful things not just to you but to me. I suffered from temporary insanity. I’ve never been this hurt about anything before. Like… I strangled myself. I hit myself so hard, I left bruises. Of course, hole in wall… I was just feeling hopeless and that there was no one I could turn to.

I feel better now. Been using this journal to vent. And I have Daniel. Sometimes Shane. Jeremiah has been more available. Like… my life shattered but things are getting placed back together. A bit slowly for my tastes, but I’ll work with it. I’d do anything to get you back in my life. You’re the final piece. You complete me. It’s hard to get put back together when you’re so opposed to be that final piece.

I think if we got back together, I’d be more protective. Probably more anal about things. You’d probably call me “Andrew” but I wouldn’t care. I’d be livid if you were to cut yourself. You tell me, “Oh, I just needed to” and I won’t accept that as an answer. Learning that from you but mostly learning that because you tend to not say what you mean directly. You’re afraid of confrontation and I forgot about this. Therefore, you made our break sound vague. You flatout lied about it. You hid your cuts from me and then blamed me when it seemed like I didn’t care.

I care. I always care. The first time you cut yourself, I kept to myself. I wanted to cry, really. I wanted more substance but all I got was “I needed it” and that is a half-assed answer.

After how you treated me… yeah, I’m not surprised that I thought you hated me. Put yourself in my shoes. Just for a minute. Consider how you’ve made me feel. This entire time, I’ve placed myself in your shoes and I’ve tried to reach out. I thought I was doing what was best, but you did need time and I didn’t give it. When I try to fix something, it becomes my project. Sitting around waiting… well, it makes me depressed. Not sure you noticed. That said, I don’t feel like you’ve been very empathetic. I’m probably going to exercise in a bit. It’s 7:36 so it’s pretty early. It’d make up for me pigging out last night and yesterday. Normally, I pig out because… DEPRESSION, go figure but this time I guess I was just super hungry. And Daniel was paying, so free meal, amirite? ;)

The girl I was flirting with. I basically stopped talking to her after I spoke to you on skype yesterday. Kinda feel bad. I’ll message her again later today, but it’s not right for me to put people to the side because I’m feeling moody. If anything, I learned that from how I treated you.

I know I said I was going to exercise, but with minimal sleep, I might try to rest and then exercise when I wake up. I know, making excuses but it’s cold and I’m feeling tired. I wish you were here. A cold bed is best spent with a warm body. And frankly, there are none warmer than yours. <3

Cheesy flirt, I know, but you said I should flirt more with you. I did but you didn’t notice. So, now I have to be ultra obvious. Like, SO obvious. It’s not so bad. Cheesy is good; too bad it’s not going to be a part of my diet soon.

Anyways, I’m going to get some rest. You’ll probably message me in about two hours and I won’t message you until four probably. I’ll try to wake up sooner. I miss you. I love you. Talk to me soon, yeah? Good night (or morning). You’re beautiful. <3

Can’t sleep. Too much on my mind I guess. It happens. Maybe when everything is over I’ll be able to go to sleep at a reasonable time. As I was saying, you’re welcome to come with me to Texas. Don’t even need to stay at Adela’s. We can drop you off at Shane’s the next day, if that’s alright. Thing is, we’re waiting for the hurricanes to pass and for the flooding to clear. As soon as that’s done, I’m getting a ticket and I’m out of here. With or without you.

I miss our relationship in Adela’s. You say I was always on my computer but what I remember was us doing dishes together, running around the neighborhood, doing little things. I miss that. Here? Can’t do that here. It’s a black hole. I hate it here. My sister didn’t come over yesterday, btw. It’s nice because she’s such a hassle. My dad can be too but he’s been rather impartial. My mom has been super energetic and supportive. I think she misses you, but I won’t ask her. Not yet.

I’m glad you haven’t deleted the blog yet. To me, that means there is still hope. Or you pity me enough to leave me my last bastion. Whatever the case, I’m glad. I check it everyday. I reload the page several times a day, just to check if it’s still there. It helps. You said you had it so when I broke up with you, I’d feel bad.

I impulsively click on Skype to get here. To write in my journal, I think “Click the blue!” Reason for this, if I had to guess, is because the journal is specifically targeted to you and right now I have several messages sent to you over Skype. I don’t think I’ll accidentally send you any journal entries but it’s amusing. I hope you’re willing to chat.

I hope these hurricanes pass soon. No offense, but I need to get away. Nice neutral territory, you know? Adela’s a nice person. Even if you broke up with me and insisted to never see me again and also set my hair on fire, she’d still meet up for bubble tea. People like you. She loves you. Adriana loves you. Everyone loves you. I love you the most, though. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have tried so hard. Of course, it could be said I’m trying now. Except I’m not trying, this is me coping. Whether you read it or not, it’s hard to say but I know it’s been helping me. Maybe I should keep a journal more often. Except instead of a journal about you, it’ll be a journal for me. And instead of me consistently updating like I have been with this one, I’ll actually do the end of the day update like I wanted to do. Maybe I should get you a journal… Your birthday is right around the corner. I want to get you something.

Soon. Probably won’t do Christmas. Thing is, for Christmas and Thanksgiving, I’m going to be all by myself at Adela’s. Not a bad thing, but I don’t know how I’d fare. If I slipped into a fit of depression, I might not be able to handle it by myself. :/

Don’t consider that as me wanting you to be by my side during those events. I know Shane is taking you somewhere for Thanksgiving. It’s not an invitation (though if you really wanted to stay with me, I wouldn’t say no). You don’t need to spend the time with me and you don’t owe me anything. I’m just talking my mind. That said, I remember last Thanksgiving. It was just me and Max and I stayed in the guest bedroom. I kept to myself and didn’t eat anything that day. Christmas was a bit better because Adela was there, sort of. We went to that party where I got drunk and played blackjack.

My hair was longer then. I’m surprised it’s taking this long to grow out. Normally it’d be longer. I’m getting older… or I’m more stressed. I miss feeling your fingers run through my hair. It’s soothing. Everything about you is soothing. I should have appreciated you more. Well, I know better now.

I think the day after Thanksgiving, I went to go get Whataburger. Might have walked. Can’t recall. I usually do fast food when I’m depressed. Probably why I gained SO much weight… that and I’ve been inactive. I gained 80 pounds. EIGHTY pounds. That’s a lot. I feel so disgusting… Whataburger was good though. I’ll miss it while I’m down there. Because it’s so close yet it’s totally forbidden. If you and I go out, we’ll have to get Subway. And my sandwich won’t get cheese. I’ll force myself to only eat half and save the rest. Thing is, I eat fast. I really need to slow down. I try but… eh. I really need to be more aware when I eat. I guess I’m like a shark. I just see food and get into a feeding frenzy. RAWR!!! IMMA SHERK!!! GIVE ME UR FISHIES!!! Except for Moshi. Moshi is friend; not food. I miss Moshi. I wake up and look over where she used to be and feel… disappointed. She was literally the reason I woke up in the morning. I’d go back to bed, but it gave me something to do. I really need to start exercising today. But I’ll do that later today. Thinking about Texas… the first time. Before we met. I had a TV, cable, faster internet, Ahnassi… I wanted to come back though because there was no one I hung out with in Texas. Didn’t have any friends or family because my brother moved to Oklahoma and left me there by myself. I was fine in my little apartment but my dad rushed me out. I didn’t want to stay, mind you, but I needed more time. I was saving up to afford to leave but my dad offered to pay for everything. Unfortunately, that means we only had enough to put in our trucks and nothing else. I left the TV, the TV stand, a table plus chairs… so much I left behind. I was charged for leaving stuff in the apartment. It was bullshit, the money I had saved went into paying off my bills from a place I wasn’t even at anymore. Worse yet, before I paid off one of them (cable bill) my dad said I shouldn’t. What would they do? Ruin my credit is what. Thanks, Dad. I know you’ve heard that before, but… Idk, I’m reminiscing. I was totally isolated then but I used to call my friends on this computer. I had the TV on in the background because it was nice to have. Usually Comedy Central because I needed the laugh. I think… that’s why I’m always on this computer. I didn’t used to be this bad, I just haven’t realized it. Christ, loneliness sucks. I didn’t expect to do so much self discovery with this journal.

I used to go out. I went to clubs but I stopped because I got tired of spending money on drinking. I used to go on dates with girls. I was really into the activist scene. I had a V for Vendetta mask and went to the Million Mask March. I want to again… I’d want to take you. Happens every November Fifth.

I feel… addicted to the computer. More than ever. I don’t even want to type on it. Right now, I just want to go to sleep but I can’t. Maybe the computer is to blame? Idk, maybe I should limit my use of the computer to when I’m only writing.

I depend on my vices a lot. I guess your pot is the same as my computer. You allow it, but you don’t encourage it. I guess you were patient with me. More than you should have been. If it’s alright with you, I might just talk about my past today. At least until I fall asleep or if you message me on Skype. Whatever comes first.

I graduated high school in the middle of a recession. It was so hard finding a job. I applied EVERYWHERE and my dad often drove me. I had a car, but we made it a little event. Unfortunately, he lives in the 60’s and 70’s. The way you apply for a job is different than it was then. The first job I got, I wasn’t even applying for. The Lumberjack used to be Black Bear Diner and I applied there and I was told they weren’t taking any applications. I was disheartened because I had applied to all these places and that was the last place I applied to. I was ready to go home with my dad when this short man with a gravelly voice stopped me outside. He offered me a job as a freelancer.

Basically, he worked construction with Walmart. Those shopping cart cages? I placed the little blocks on top of them. It was neat. I road on a forklift lifting a panel. That panel is where I stood. I also riveted down a lot of the isles and did other things. I enjoyed it and the pay was nice. Problem was it was at night so I slept during the day. I had this crush on this girl at the time… she’s married now, but we were close friends. I was just in the friend zone and couldn’t get out. When I have a crush on someone, I have a crush. I didn’t lose my virginity until later, of course. Not trying to talk about my love life (or rather, lack of). Talking about Walmart. The job didn’t last long. The guy I worked with eventually got into it with the dude who ran the Walmart and left. I never got my last paycheck, but I didn’t care. I had experience. Turned out, it didn’t mean shit. I’ll talk more about my job history tomorrow. In High School, I had a few crushes. Never amounted to anything. My first kiss was with this girl. Heather Harmon was her name. It was before I went to Credence (which is a continuation high school). There was this dance which I didn’t want to go to. I felt so awkward just being there. I was a Freshman and I wanted to go home. However, I was told by Heather’s friend that this girl in a curly blouse thought I was cute. I was like, “Oh?” and super surprised. I misheard her and thought she said something different from blouse. Don’t remember what I thought she said. All I remember is that I approached the wrong girl and said, “Hey, I heard you thought I was cute?” The girl looked at me, laughed, and said no. Ouch. What a bitch. I went back to where I was sitting, feeling even worse when Heather’s friend got back and brought Heather with her. Asked why I didn’t ask Heather out to a dance and I said I didn’t know she was who she was talking about. The friend grabbed a sleeve and reiterated blouse. That’s the thing, dances and clubs and all that dumb shit… the music is just too loud. Can’t hear shit.

Anyways, she asked me to dance and I said I didn’t know how. She said it’s fine, she’ll teach me. She dragged me onto the floor and we began dancing. I was dancing horribly but she seemed fine with it. Then the music cut to ‘slow dance’ music and we slow danced. In the middle of it all, she kissed me.

It caught me off guard and I was so surprised. But also happy. I enjoyed even the small amount of affection. She had to leave early, however, so left soon after. My mom eventually picked me up and I left too. On the way back, I saw her again, crossing the street. I didn’t really remember what she looked like until I saw her outside of the dance which was ironic. I was so surprised and caught in the moment that I couldn’t focus.

You’re probably wondering what she looked like. She was a bit on the heavy side but she had a cute face. Thing is, she liked to play the field if you know what I mean. She broke up with me once and I took it easy. Then we dated again and broke up again. Then she wanted to go out for a third time and I said no. She was a year older than me which I felt was odd. Sophomore dating a Freshman. That class politics, amirite? We were dorks. Basically grade school relationship in high school. Of course, I discovered several girls had crushes on me but I never noticed. I was always too focused on my own crushes to notice others. God, I felt bad about that. I didn’t mean to be so neglectful. I didn’t mean to be rude. I just didn’t notice. So, I probably could have lost my virginity sooner. Then again, I was a young republican for the longest time so I’m lucky I didn’t lose it later. Of which, I lost it in the back of my truck on that trail we were on a while back. It’s a good trail. Miss yooooou… <3

Anyways, the crush I had that persisted after high school. I was close with her family, but there was nothing that ever happened between us. She eventually moved away for college and I eventually moved to Texas. We still talked in my early days. I guess I stopped talking to her when everything started to go sour in my life.

Huh, I messaged her a happy birthday this year. I’m surprised, I didn’t wish ANYONE a happy birthday this year. Then the year before during the same month. Seems I commented on one of her posts and we discussed it in PM. Interesting. That’s life. She was very funny. Had a lot of problems though, sort of like you. Stop me if you heard this before, but her mother was a very abusive ultra-christian. I even went to church with her mother. I guess if I had a type, that’d be it.

I’m not sure why, but I’m drawn to girls with issues. Not because I want to feed off it but because I used to want to help. Remember me with that “You’re beautiful” thing? That’s not a flirt, that was me building your self-esteem. Remember how I tried to reinforce your self-esteem? I guess I’d be considered a white knight. At least, I used to be. Not so much now. I’ve been bitter and the last girls I were with didn’t seek help really. I was in it for the sex, not the relationship.

If I had to guess a physical type, I like your body but I also like curves. So bigger butt maybe. Boobs would be nice too.

Eh, I might not have a type. I feel so shallow thinking about it. You have the perfect body in my eyes, though. Not why I love you. If you were less attractive, I’d still be fond of you. I can look past looks, but I feel I’m letting go of a piece of my person. You can be an intellectual, you could be thoughtful, you could be compassionate, you could be reasonable… though, you’ve been less reasonable as of late. Just saying. >.>

Really, I like you. I like you a lot. Your body is great, but I can live without it. Sometimes, I think you’re too attractive because boys are always hitting on you. And, apparently, they made the flirting game increase in difficulty. Ah, fuck. -,-

I really want you to read this. I want to tell you about the journal, but it’s a surprise. You probably don’t want to talk to me right now, anyways. :/

A lot of memories today. I’m going to share the section about the first kiss. Literal copy and paste. However, more information will be here as opposed to as on Skype. I’m not sure how you’ll take it, but that’s alright. I remember! It wasn’t blouse. Heather’s friend said “Shirt” and I heard “Skirt.” Same concept, similar sound. It wasn’t blouse but shirt and skirt. Yeah, I can be a dweeb too. Nothing is sacred.

My parents are talking about me going to Texas. They talk loud because my dad is deaf. My dad doesn’t sound so keen and I’m not sure how my mom feels, but she’s supporting me on this.

My mom just came in and asked me when I wanted the ticket. She was a bit forceful. I guess she’s annoyed that I haven’t done anything and that I just want to leave. I’m talking to Adela. Her mom is coming up for her birthday which is early in October. I kind of want to get there after her mom leaves so I have that super comfy bed. Far better than this bed. Good memories of it, too. Because you were always on it. <3

Flirting. That was flirting. That’s something I miss. That one dream where you were possessed by that demon cat was fucking crazy but it was hot. You’re super sexy and I miss it. I neeeeeeeed it. Probably; men apparently need sex at least once a week for their mental health. I heard that from a co-worker and I’m not sure how true it is. I’ll admit, I’ve been mentally better so perhaps there is some truth to it.

Last time I saw you, I had actually hoped we’d have sex one last time. Unfortunately, I was a muttering whimp and couldn’t contain myself. I wanted affection over sex… how dumb am I? If you answered “Pretty dumb” then you’d be correct. I guess I wasn’t even in the mood.

I think I’d fair better in our next meeting. I’ve been venting! Without judgment, too! At least for now. And the first entry was pretty whiny but I worked through it. Could delete it, but that’d defeat the purpose of a journal. You write what’s on your mind. At least, that’s what I’m thinking. If not, at least it’s a placebo. Really, that’s the only pill I really need right now. Just gotta believe. And I believe in us. I believe we’ll get back together. Maybe I’m wrong, but it’s nice to believe. Faith is fun, eh? I’ve had this pimple on my nose. It was big and greasy. Couldn’t get rid of it with that tea tree oil stuff but I tried to pop it. Not much effect, it’s just scabbing now. I look like a rhinoceros right now. Big, fat, skin condition, rhino. Ugh… be positive. Anyways, the scab is annoying but it’ll heal soon. My cuts look like they’re going to be light scars but they’re subtle. Not my first scars but they seemed to cut the deepest, pun unintended. Again, I was just… so upset. Really should have started this journal sooner.

Anyways, I think I’m rambling now. I’m going to try to catch some sleep. It’s currently 11am and you’re still not awake. I’m not sure I’ll be able to. My eyelids are heavy, but my mind is super active. My dad wants me to take the garbage to the dump but they’re not open on Sunday. Maybe he’ll realize this. Anyways, trying again for sleep. I love you, Esther. I hope you’ve read this far.

Current time is 1:21pm. Still, no sleep. We had a pretty long conversation. You revealed a lot. I think you revealed that you’d never forgive me. Man, that hurts… Crying now. My heart… the muscle in my chest? It physically hurts. So much… I’m sorry I neglected you. I’ve changed, I swear.

I appreciate your honesty… it was blunt. I guess I needed to hear it. It’ll help me become a better person. It’s just… damn. Never have I hated myself more than I do right this very moment. It’s not that great to be me right now. I can’t prove to you that I’ve changed because there is no way to prove it. I’m fighting an uphill battle. You… really don’t want to see me.

The irony is… I still think you care. Might be wrong, but it feels like it. Maybe the voice I’m reading your statements is just more merciful than I allow to be read. I’d sacrifice anything for a chance to get back in your good graces. I wish I knew how to convince you that things would be better… If you’re reading this, I’m obviously still alive. So I’m safe, you have nothing to worry about. Of course, if you’re reading this that means everything after has already happened. It’s probably not even September anymore. So, yeah… right now, I guess you just have to trust I won’t do anything permanent. Good news for current you… I’m not messaging you from now on until you message me. I might message you before I go to Texas, but that’d be it. I think that’s worthy for an exception, no? That said, I guess… my journal entries are going to get longer. At least until I invest myself in something with a lot of time consumption. I want to message you every day. I told you about the journal. THE JOURNAL!!! I don’t know why, ruined the surprise… and you couldn’t care less. Or maybe you did care; you just didn’t show it. You have a better poker face than I do.

The way you ended it sounded like you were annoyed with me, however. “gtg” is probably unlikely. I would normally ask Daniel or Adriana to confirm if you’re going anywhere else. Thing is, I don’t need to. You are just tired of hearing me beg. And I get it… that’s the fucked up thing. I get it. Honestly, you deserve a prince to descend from on high and sweep you off your feet. I’m no prince, I’m just some asshole. I think I’d leave me too.

I’m going to try to go to sleep. Hopefully for the final time. When I wake up, expect me to talk about some dream where you were in a wedding dress and where I was in furs, beating things with a stick and speaking with only one syllable words. You were the best thing that ever happened to me… and I took you for granted. I want to make up for it. But I can’t… maybe I never will…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A

The light hurts my eyes. It’s currently 8pm. I think I got five hours of sleep. I say that because I posted on Facebook before I dozed off. It doesn’t matter.

I don’t feel good. I didn’t have any dreams and I woke up… physically numb. It’s hard to do simple things like move my fingers to type this. You won’t get to see it but I’m hitting backspace a lot. I went to the kitchen to get myself food. I was hungry before we chatted but I took a bite out of something my dad made and couldn’t finish it.

I have a banana and a bottle of water. I’m going to try to eat something and drink something. After that, I think I’ll go back to bed. Tomorrow has to be better than this.

Maybe it will be. I’ll have to go to the dump tomorrow. It’ll just be me going to town. Alone. I’ll then get a Subway sandwich. Alone.

It’s not as bad as it sounds… I think I need the solitude right now, ironically. I could always reach out to people if I need a friend. I’m okay. I’ll be fine. Despite how I feel now, I know we had a good talk despite it’s brash ending. Your Facebook nickname is “Still the Most Beautiful.” It’s dumb; not because you’re not the most beautiful but because you’ll never see it. You’ll see my nickname, which I cleared.

I think you’ve seen my post. Probably rolled your eyes and ignored it. It’s me venting. You’ve judged me VERY harshly in the past for my venting. I know you don’t think you did, but you have. You’ve been pretty unreasonable. I guess you’re trying to prove a point. If I were feeling better, maybe I’d guess what that point is.

It doesn’t matter. Nothing really matters. I’ve accepted this.

You’re probably not going to read my journal. Going to be a lot of entries I can see… for what? Well, it calms me down and keeps me collected. Guess it’s not that bad.

You know, the link I’ve linked you… The Scientist by Coldplay. I’ve always liked the song but only now have I listened to the lyrics. I don’t just listen to the song… I feel it. It’s hard to explain but… I’m lost in the lyrics listening to the meaning. The music video is great too, btw. Not that I’ve been watching it. A lot of weird physics in it, though. Maybe you and I can watch the music video in reverse and I can show you sometime… heh… Anyways, I don’t feel like writing anymore today. I’m going to have a snack and then go to bed… again. I’ll talk more tomorrow, alright? I still love you. Good night.

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