it's been a long day, hell it's be a long week, long month, long life. Steve is driving home from work and somebody pulls out in front of him, making him break suddenly and leading the other driver to honking their horn at him.

For some unknown reason, this is the thing that breaks Steve Harrington. He's had a swirl of background thoughts going through his brain for weeks, they aren't anything new. Nothing he hasn't heard or thought before, but they just get so loud, so overwhelmingly loud and overbearing.

Before he knows it the tears are trailing down his face as he drives, he doesn't wipe them away, know there's no point when they aren't going to stop. Suddenly all the thoughts and feelings he's pushed down are right in front of him and he feels like he's drowning. Steve lets himself wallow, lets himself be swallowed by his emotions.

Truthfully, he loves looking after people, feels like if he can't do anything else, he can make sure the people around him feel cared for. He puts immense effort into everything he does for them, checks in with them, always goes the extra mile to makes birthdays and Christmas gifts absolutely perfect. He wants everyone to feel like they are listened to but the thing is, Steve has never experienced that feeling himself.

He bends over backwards to run around giving lifts, fitting his schedule around other and caring so, so much. And he doesn't mean to sound so selfish, but the thing is it hurts, it hurts more than he can possibly explain, he feels hollowed out and so inexplicably lonely. He's in this small town and he doesn't really think he wants to move but what else is he going to do with his life? Everyone else is going to leave and he's going to be left behind, he's never going to find love in this place and that's one thing he is desperate for. He wants to feel loved, he wants to feel like he is a priority to someone, like he matters, like he's special. God he's so heartbreakingly lonely.

The tears are streaming thick and fast, he has to pull over to let the body wracking sob rip through him. He's never going to tell anyone he feels this way, can't let his friends know about the emptiness he feels inside, that he loves them fiercely in hopes that it will fill this deep and dark void. He loves that he can make his friends happy, it's the one thing that keeps him going through it all, the only thing that makes him think this is all worthwhile.

He just aches so intensely, right in his bones, in his soul. He knows his friends love him but he can't internalise it, he's heard people say he matters but he doesn't know how to assimilate the statement into his being. He feels disgusting for thinking these thoughts, bad and mean and self-centered and greedy for something he doesn't deserve but he can't stop himself which only perpetuates the cycle. He hates himself so intensely in that moment, stronger than usual, hates himself so overwhelmingly he feels like he can't breathe.

But he catches the time on the dashboard as he leans his head back against the headrest, sees that it's close to pick up time for Dustin, Lucas and Erika. He wipes his face, takes a deep lungful of air, flips the car indicator up and gets ready to be Steve Harrington again.