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idolizerp · 5 years

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LOADING INFORMATION ON HEAVEN’S MAIN DANCE RYU EUNBI...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Evie CURRENT AGE: 26 DEBUT AGE: 18 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 15 COMPANY: 99 SECONDARY SKILL: Fashion design

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): lemonie (due to her alleged lemon obsession), eve (due to the close proximity of her stage and group name with religious themes), peitho (in english, name of the goddess that personified persuasion and seduction, much like herown image). INSPIRATION: claims to be inspired by company seniors, as well as her parents’ work ethic. SPECIAL TALENTS:

speed dancing: has good choreographic memory, can accurately perform a variety of routines in different styles and at increased levels of speed.

physical flexibility: resulting from dedicated practice (especially in acro dance), she likes to impress with gymnastic manoeuvres such as front/side splits, and backbends.

NOTABLE FACTS:

has a reported IQ of 145

sang in a youth choir at a local church before joining 99 entertainment

has an eye for fashion, designed much of her own streetwear during heaven’s debut era

avid lemonade lover; fans often bring her lemonade beverages and lemon-themed accessories.

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

within the next six to twelve months, while continuing to solidify her place in the fashion industry through various program and brand appearances, eunbi would like to focus on branding herself as a serious and well-seasoned dancer, despite being from a group whose choreography routines aren’t the most complex. if possible, and in attempt to generate additional buzz, she’d like to assist with heaven’s choreography, revert the public’s attention from the fact that her solo did poorly. she’s especially interested in having people see multiple sides of her through dance, rather than just 99′s fabricated version of her. in this way, not only would she continue to hone her dancing skills, but she’d effectively prove that such capabilities make her something more than just the member of heaven who flopped.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

in the long run, eunbi wishes to revel in levels of fame only graced by some of the legendary seniors before her. despite previous setbacks, she still wishes to have a successful solo career somehow, and avoid being forgotten during the eventual fall of third generation girl groups. however, bearing in mind the reality of the situation, eunbi also hopes to achieve a prominent position in the fashion world. well into the future, she’d like to manage her own multi-national luxury fashion conglomerate and have it see success in both domestic and international territory. the ability to showcase and model her own designs would be ideal, as to not resort to faceless background work. in addition, due to eunbi’s unwavering passion for dance, she’d like to continue honing and utilizing her skills. this could potentially be as a choreographer for the company, but as with other aspects of her career, eunbi wishes for her work to be highly publicized. she enjoys recognition.

IDOL IMAGE

following heaven’s formation, eunbi was presented to the public as the rosy-cheeked babe of heaven, the timid girl next door. evie, they’d called her. and evie was a riveting combination, a sultry mix of soft and sexy, and a poster girl when it came to tried-and-true summer styles. as a result, 99 marketed her in a manner meant to be appealing, but never to the extremes. she was to be balanced instead– innocence and cuteness, desire and allure.

as the years progressed and evie blossomed further into womanhood, however, she became the owner of a figure well-praised. her long legs and slender frame steadily rose to attention on forums, and netizens commented over again and again about the silhouette of her curves beneath loose clothing, her suggestive acts and how she was teasingly aware of them.

with more exposure and attention came more confidence and pride, more insight towards the power of her sexuality. evie eventually developed a tempting gaze, a perpetual desire to test the waters and perform brazen movements for the stage. she made it a point to leave people wanting more, more, more. she was the girl next door, after all, forever and always ideal and desirable. but older now. wiser, too. more sure of herself. she’d transformed into the summer IT girl, a coquettish beach doll that could fascinate a room with even the most banal of activities.

the general public loved to ogle at evie, loved to watch as she took a sip of water or climbed immaculately out of a pool. something about her was classically beautiful, captivating.

and she was theirs for the viewing, entirely; their sensual and soft toy; their gratifying object, available for consumption at the press of the button. she belonged to them, and for the sake of her career, eunbi adhered to the position. she yielded without complaint to the image her company had crafted for her, surrendered bits and pieces of herself until she was nothing but a shell of her former self.

the new version of her was perfect and polished, eyes dull, but spirit keen. she worked like a robot, making each decision through a strictly calculative mindset. she was always thinking, planning, plotting. life was about maintaining connections, to her. seeking opportunities.

if i move like this, will it encourage views? if i smile a little wider, would merch sales improve? if i was honest about my thoughts, how would people react?

as far as eunbi knew, there were always systematically correct choices to make, always the smartest decisions to propel her forward in the industry.

she’d thought it to be a curse, disguised as a blessing, but 99 continued to eat it up anyway. they regarded her ambition, her desirability, as something to generate profit from. and though she sometimes hated it, she allowed it, because the truth was like this: somewhere within the mental chaos and the management of her porcelain perfection, she’d achieved something.

she’d mastered the art of being ryu eunbi, and she held onto that dearly.

IDOL HISTORY

from a young age, her parents had demonstrated their strong drives, their unwavering ability to work hard. she watched, day by day, as they lost themselves to untouchable dreams, she listened and learned as they prioritized work over family. and it was okay, then. “you work so hard!,” friends and family would comment to her mother. strong work ethic, everyone thought. their behavior was inspiring, they were chasing their dreams. and perhaps that really was the case. her parents had been passionate about their respective careers, and through frequent absences, they’d instilled their daughter with the same excessive values. by five, she already knew work to be the number one focus in her life. her mother kept busy as a neurosurgeon, her father slept nights in his recording studio. as a result, eunbi was usually tossed off to the hands of a church, their choir program becoming an integral part of her after-school routine.

✦✦✦

eunbi was fourteen when her parents announced their divorce.

her response came in the form of a wayward tongue, bouts of rebellious behavior with a cold glare to match. though she insisted that she didn’t care, that she’d seen it coming, the school counselor suggested otherwise. “it’s not uncommon for children to display behavioral issues after divorce,” he’d said in a meeting with her mother once. her father, as usual, hadn’t been able to make it. he’d made up some lie, concocted a story about the recording studio and an unfinished track. as it’d been revealed later, however, in the later years, it wasn’t music that so often distracted him from the family he had at home. his interest gradually faded with the dawning realization that his career could never be helped, and instead, he sought comfort in other places. other women, other homes, as if the original hadn’t been sufficient enough for him. and eunbi’s backwards response to the truth of it left her mother with no choice but to give her an ultimatum.

focus on her studies (read: keep out of trouble), or face being exiled to a school abroad.

exasperated, but never allowing anger to cloud her logic, eunbi easily chose the former. in a questionable amount of time, she’d left behind the underage parties and drinking, switched it out for after-school study rooms and dance studios instead. when her head wasn’t dipped far into a book, brain crammed with formulas and facts, eunbi would dance; it’d become her way to distress, and she was a natural, indeed; her body a mere instrument in its ability to project movement so clearly and efficiently.

after a year of discovering her new hobby, it’d been announced through fliers on walls that 99 entertainment was in search of new trainees. more than fear of missing out, eunbi’s desire to participate was born out of a love, a thirst, for competition. of course, she enjoyed the idea of celebrity life too, the riches and fame and attention and gifts. but competition, it motivated her even more, always fueling her drive to be the best. and when the time arrived, when rumors of an upcoming girl group began swirling around company buildings, eunbi knew she needed to prove herself. she knew just how to do it, too; set herself apart from the remaining group of aspirants; excel in the areas that they simply could not. for her? that was dance. she focused consistently on perfecting her technique, working herself to exhaustion, day and night, on far too frequent of a basis. but it all paid off in the long run, those arduous routines, immoderate perseverance.

upper officials thought her to be a perfect addition to the group they had envisioned, and just like that, she was added to the lineup of their new girlgroup: HEAVEN.

✦✦✦

when heaven made their official debut in 2010, eunbi was far too young then to know better. eighteen, naive as possible, idol life never seemed like something that could constitute as a problem. instead all she saw was the cameras, the flashing lights, the television screens that were responsible for the pretentious display of her group. and it’d been fascinating, initially. distracting, a breath of fresh air from her toxic home life, her mother’s growing alcohol habit. it was a rush to film the music videos, a rush to perform on stages and be pampered with the likes of stylists or makeup artists. as time went on though, eunbi’s happiness slowly diminished. she grew unhappy with heaven as a group, the image 99 had curated for them. she’d never been a fan in the first place, but now she was tired, disturbed even, by the recycled concepts and corny songs that failed to represent her. she wanted more, felt desire burning in the pit of her stomach, this need to demonstrate that she was more than just a background member in the group. she had the potential to be a grand soloist; the ambitious drive and creative mind; the sharp singing skills, even sharper dancing skills.

when the company allowed her to try her hand at solo music, eunbi thought, genuinely, that it would all work out in her favor. she’d taken advice from company executives, went with what they considered “safely sexy” but public friendly. it didn’t matter that, as usual, the sound and style didn’t align with her personal tastes. she cared about having the song be well-received, having a catchy hit to blow up the airwaves. what she’d gotten though, turned out to be quite the opposite. 99 had failed in its venture to properly promote her, and the public had been no better either, failing her as well when they refused to react the way she had hoped for. rather than praising or hyping her up, the song became the subject of minor controversy, with many people criticizing it for its provocative choreography and “cheap, lazy” feel. in turn, it suffered from mediocre sales and lowly-placed positions on music charts.

evie the soloist simply wasn’t profitable enough.

✦✦✦

there were many intolerable aspects about working as an entertainer; taxing work schedules, outré speculation. the strict image constraints and lackluster concepts that’d been played out one, two, three times too many. despite everything though, heaven remained at the center of eunbi’s universe, forever and always her treasure. the fact that her solo career hadn’t worked out only solidified the idea – she was nothing without the group, nothing if she couldn’t stand tall and proud as heaven’s evie. since the release of the debut track, and all of its glorious aftermath, longevity became one of her main goals and continues to be so in present day. aside from personal endeavors in both fashion and dance, eunbi found it necessary to maintain the group’s relevancy, often working with her parent’s zeal to ensure their good standing. she feared the impending waves of new groups, the threat they posed to her position, to her group’s. and it was true, perhaps, that she needed to let go. heaven was going to disband eventually, she couldn’t cling onto them forever. but she wasn’t ready yet. heaven had become too big of a thing in her life, the life vest that’d kept her from drowning. until she successfully found an alternative, a path as equally as fulfilling, she refused to stop.

#id.bio #id.99 #id.heaven #id.lee sunmi

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idolizerp · 6 years

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[ LOADING INFORMATION ON HONEY’S LEAD VOCAL DAHYE… ]

DETAILS

CURRENT AGE: 25 DEBUT AGE: 23 SKILL POINTS: 05 VOCAL | 15 DANCE | 00 RAP | 10 PERFORMANCE

INTERVIEW

due to dahye debuting in an older age, msg really pushed a more mature image on her on stage. her whole looks and demeanor while performing contributed to it, and at first dahye was supposed to have a mysterious sexy image, without being too much about it, of course. she was supposed to mostly stay reserved and serious in interviews, to do the talking mostly when they were talking strictly business. besides group activities, she started being pushed to photoshoots and some other smaller modelling gigs. and that’s how things went for a little while in the beginning of cherry bomb’s career.

but her fans quickly picked up on some sort of “mom” image to dahye and her management was quick to capitalize on it. she’s a caring girl and she was seen caring for the members more than once, which earned her a lot of points with her fans and on varieties that she was on. so she started being promoted on varieties as someone wise, mature, respectable, who has a funny side for being “an old woman trapped in the body of a young person”. dahye never thought she’d end up being in any variety of any kind, but she actually enjoys it once she starts being invited to more shows due to this twist on the way she’s perceived by the public.

and this little twist actually helps her on other fields. this difference between her girl crush stage persona to the wise grandmother offstage gives her a boost of popularity inside the fandom of her group, mostly between girl. and that also, consequently, also boosted her modelling career. which put dahye in an awkward position, since she’s being driven farther and farther away from her main passion: dancing, something that, as of now, she’s barely recognized for.

BIOGRAPHY

five.

moon dahye learns from a very young age that she has to work to get what she wants.

one, because the world is a cruel place, or so her grandmother says. the world does not forgive and it does not forget. if she slacks off, or if she waits for divine intervention for her life to work then she’s in for a rough ride. nothing comes out easily, her grandmother says while sitting down with a bowl of kimchi between her legs.

two, because she’s a woman. and women have it harder, always. they have to work twice as hard and protect themselves twice as much. and that’s how life is.

and moon dahye agrees, nods, as if she could understand such a thing at the height of her five-year-old self.

but one day she would.

eleven.

“why you don’t have a father?” her classmate asks and she can hear laughter. dahye squeezes her bag against her chest, feels the hot tears burning her eyes. and she hates her mother right here. she hates how she never tells her anything about him, how he’s a ghost, something that haunts her. though is he even dead?

she doesn’t know.

all she knows is that she has his eyes. fiery. destructive.

“is it true your mother is a whore? my mother said she is.” another asks and there’s more laughter, more screaming. dahye sees red, white knuckles, tears streaming down. she could jump him. she could break him apart.

but she runs.

thirteen.

she finds refuge in the small things.

there’s reading. she loses herself in books and series, imagines a world where she could fit. finds love for these characters that sometimes are so much like herself: fatherless, broken.

and then there’s dancing. it starts as this thing she does in a school festival for fun. but she enjoys it, joins an academy, starts going basically every day. every time she feels that it’s getting too much she goes, dances until her hair is all wet, until she can’t even think anymore.

because when she dances it’s almost like she isn’t herself anymore. it’s almost like she starts feeling human, feeling something. it becomes a part of her and who she is, truly.

and there’s nothing else she wants to do.

fourteen.

“mom,” she starts, one day, feeling brave, finally putting into words the question that has been haunting her head for years, “why did dad leave us?”

her mother pauses, looks down. it takes her a whole minute to reply.

“you never had a dad, sweetheart.”

and that’s all she ever says about it.

fifteen.

dahye is fifteen.

she’s fifteen and she’s sitting in a corner of the practice room, eyes locked on an older girl who is dancing right in front of her. she feels her mouth drying. she feels like there’s a hand around her throat, squeezing and squeezing. and suddenly there’s this thing, this terrifying thought that becomes bright as day.

no, she thinks and she feels sick.

she buries the thought deep inside.

sixteen.

she is sixteen when she joins the company. it had been a while year of auditioning to company after company, of listening to her mother complain that she didn’t raise her all by herself for her to go and become an artist. a whole year of crying, desperation. of almost giving up.

becoming an idol had never been something she even thought about but once she put her mind into it dahye gave her sweat and blood for it. it was a good idea, one a sunbae from the dance academy told her about.

(“you’re so pretty, dahye,” she had said, soft lips on her ear, “you should become an idol”)

now here she is.

and trainee life goes on like some sort of hell that she gets addicted to. dahye is competitive. she thrives on the competition, she wants to be looked up to. she dances and dances and learns all those other things. she learns how to carry a tune. she learns how to speak some rhymes in some way that almost seem like she’s rapping. dahye works twice as hard, she goes to her limits. she throws herself in so hard her life passes her by and she almost doesn’t see it.

suddenly she’s twenty-one and she’s still here.

and then she’s twenty-two and she’s seen younger people make their debut, she’s seen people who trained less than her go on stage. and she starts to wonder.

maybe she’s now that good. maybe she’s not that pretty. maybe she should just give up, find some office job. maybe she should accept she’s just not that special as people made her believe she was. and in dark moments like this is when old ghosts come back to haunt her. maybe that’s why he left her. maybe that’s why he never even called, he never even looked for her. there’s nothing to love here. nothing of worth.

until she’s twenty-three and finally. finally, she’s chosen.

finally.

twenty-four.

they’ve debuted and it almost feels like a dream. like an hallucination. still does, even after a few months. and then a year passes so fast dahye barely sees it. it’s just a flash of light, of photographs, of photoshoots and shootings. the awe of it all passes soon and dahye is in control again, back straight, eyes focused. she wants everything to be perfect. she will work twice as hard for her group and she want them to get to the top. and she won’t let anyone to get on their way.

dahye was already hard on the edges, a rose with thorns. her years as a trainee hardened even more. and stardom was just finishing up the job.

but there’s still things that get to her. a girl’s smile, her fingertips on her skin. her fans letters. dancing.

and of course, him.

they’re on a tv station, recording a music show. they’re just sitting there, laughing it off, being ridiculous and young and with the whole world on the tip of their fingers. and that’s when the phone rings, a number she doesn’t quite recognize. they’re being too loud so she goes outside to pick it up, shaking while wearing a short dress in the middle of fucking winter.

“dahye?” she hears in a rough voice and her heart stops. “it’s dahye, right?”

“who is it?” she asks even though she knows. she doesn’t know how but she knows.

“i just saw you on tv. I asked your mother for your phone, she didn’t want to tell me. but… yeah. yeah it’s me, kid. and-”

she turns it off, closes her eyes. she cries quietly and then goes back inside.

some ghosts truly never leave.

#id.bio #id.lee sunmi #id.cherry bomb!#id.msg

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idolizerp · 6 years

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[ LOADING INFORMATION ON VIVID’S LEAD VOCAL NARI…. ]

DETAILS

CURRENT AGE: 26 DEBUT AGE: 19 SKILL POINTS: 16 VOCAL | 13 DANCE | 00 RAP | 16 PERFORMANCE SECONDARY SKILLS: Fashion icon

INTERVIEW

the makeup girls complain she’s too fake.

nari on the television screen seems fun. nari on the television screen seems likable. nari on the television screen seems like she could be anyone’s friend.

hyojoo is decidedly different.

she’s quiet and sits in her seat always assessing, always assessing.

the makeup girls complain she’s too mean.

she speaks up when she has to. to point out a fault, to let out a snide remark, to let them know she’s better than them all in every way.

but nari on the television screen is kind. nari on the television screen tells funny stories. nari on the television screen wears her heart on her sleeve.

no one seems to get nari and hyojoo are one in the same, as jarring as the difference is.

nari is an exaggerated truth of hyojoo’s greatest personality points.

she’s witty. she’s funny. she’s sociable.

she’s not as much of a liar as entertainment gossip makes her out to be, but the truth isn’t as important.

it’s easier to say hyojoo is a fake bitch. it’s easier to say she’s only interested in fame and money.

and they’re not completely wrong, but half truths aren’t the full unadulterated truth. no one cares that this is part of the job and hyojoo plays her role incredibly well.

she smiles and waves, and accepts everything so graciously. then when the door closes the sweet smile fades and she folds back into herself.

silent. snobbish. aloof.

no one tells her she ought to act nicer privately, she makes the company too much money for them to care how she acts behind closed doors. if she wants to be keep to herself, to look judgmentally on at her juniors so be it, so long as she’s content.

she can be a bitch if she’d like. she can be shy if she’d like. she can do whatever the fuck she wants within reason.

it’s all a money and popularity game in the end and nari of vivid is doing just fine.

BIOGRAPHY

JEONJU

somewhere in her she’s still a dutiful child. one that still thinks of her parents as minor deities. one that just wants to hear them tell her she’s done well.

so she drives to seoul from jeonju, because she finally has the time. because she craves the approval.

“who’s that woman that looks like that annoying celebrity?” dad says when she gets out the car.

“could that annoying celebrity nari be my long lost daughter hyojoo? honey get out here, i think our prodigal child has returned.”

he wounds her ego grievously but she smiles anyways, because familial love dictates she does.

they resent her pretentiousness. they resent her fame. they love her money anyway. they love her anyway.

“i feel like it’s been years.” mom says as she pulls her into an embrace. “who’s this seoul woman who’s come to visit this country family?”

hyojoo pretends to not notice tears that prick her eyes.

GANGNAM

she feels like she could die.

exhaustion wracks her. there’s always something next waiting on the horizon. a photo shoot, a recording, studio time, some lackluster event, fansign.

always on the move from one destination to another, it’s fucking endless.

“the price of fame.” one of the members mumble as they get in their van.

there’s a host of kids outside their fans, begging for an autograph, a glance, a token of affection.

it’s all so pathetic. but hyojoo tells them she loves them anyways.

because they give her their money, because they give her their undivided attention, because they tell her they love her even though they don’t know her.

it’s all she’s ever craved.

HAPJEONG

he’s a face that’s plastered on magazines and billboards throughout the country. a true golden boy that’s full of complete bullshit

they’re not dating. they’re not in love.

hyojoo just likes the sex. hyojoo just likes the emotional manipulation. hyojoo just likes the attention.

“don’t you think your new concept is a doing too much? don’t you feel like exploited or whatever it is feminists complain about? you’ve got enough pull in your company to ask them about shaking your ass less.”

“i like it when people stare at my ass in leather pants.” she deadpans.

he scoffs but she can tell he doesn’t find it funny.

“you like looking dead behind the eyes while some guy only screams at you because he likes the way your body looks when you’re bent over shaking your ass like some whore?”

“yeah. if i didn’t like it do you think i’d bother with you?”

her clothes balled up and wrinkled fly at her at full speed, and the urge to tell a joke about how he should’ve been a baseball player sits on the tip of her tongue.

“put on your clothes and get out of my house.”

she does as she’s bid and leaves within five minutes, clothes disheveled and her shirt on inside end.

the after a week and a half he calls her again apologizing and she comes back.

they’re both equally pathetic.

BUSAN.

she falls asleep just before daejeon.

the doctor tells her she needs to take better care of her health. the stress and drinking exacerbates her ulcer, all of the dancing is no good for her back injury, the lack of sleep is only making everything worse.

scheduling doesn’t make time for any of it.

but her stomach tells her to rest and her back begs her to stop. the migraine she’s woken up with tells her to quit while she’s ahead but her body keeps moving.

there’s always something just beyond the horizon she needs to do.

she’ll rest when the concert is over. she’ll rest when she’s dead.

she’s barely through her first line in night rather than day when she passes out.

JEONJU

her manager drives her to jeonju.

everyone is so goddamn scared she’ll break. like she’s a doll made of the finest, weakest glass.

she wants to scream that she’s not. but the amount of money invested in her is too precious to argue otherwise.

“no one would hate you if quit.”

he’s a liar, he’s employed to mind her to make sure she gets from a to b without creating a flurry of drama along the way. even still, maybe he cares for her the way her concerned older siblings do.

“yes they would, but that’s not why i’m staying around.”

“then why are you?”

there’s a long stretch of silence from when they ask to when they pull up to the nice country house hyojoo’s purchased for her parents. complete with a gate and a long driveway most people only ever dream about getting.

“i’m greedy.” she finally replies.

she loves the fame. she loves the riches. she loves the unwavering attention and affection.

she’ll pay any price for it.

#id.vivid #id.midas #id.lee sunmi #id.bio

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idolizerp · 6 years

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LOADING INFORMATION ON CHERRY BOMB’S MAIN DANCE MOON DAHYE...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: n/a CURRENT AGE: 25 DEBUT AGE: 19 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 16 COMPANY: MSG SECONDARY SKILL: Modeling (fashion)

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): mom, grandma INSPIRATION: watching the legendary BoA perform on tv. SPECIAL TALENTS:

Cooking for the members

Freestyle dancing to any genre

Making even cute songs sexy

NOTABLE FACTS:

Participated in K-pop star before debut, gathered a lot of attention due to her looks

Was a member of a dance academy

Was picked by teen vogue as one of the idols with the best style

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

getting to collaborate with a big brand for a campaign, getting to be the face of a big brand.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

being a well-known name in the fashion industry not for her idol status, but for her brand value.

IDOL IMAGE

due to dahye’s visuals and aura, msg pushed a more mature image on her on stage. her whole looks and demeanor while performing contributed to it, and at first dahye was supposed to have a mysterious sexy image, without being too much about it, of course. she was supposed to mostly stay reserved and serious in interviews, to do the talking mostly when they were talking strictly business. besides group activities, she started being pushed to photoshoots and some other smaller modelling gigs. and that’s how things went for a little while in the beginning of cherry bomb’s career.

and this little twist actually helps her on other fields. this difference between her girl crush stage persona to the wise grandmother offstage gives her a boost of popularity inside the fandom of her group, mostly between girl. and that also, consequently, also boosted her modelling career. the rise of her modeling gigs combined with msg allowing her to be active on social media, she’s seen more and more as some sort of fashion mongul on Instagram and twitter.

IDOL HISTORY

five.

moon dahye learns from a very young age that she has to work to get what she wants.

two, because she’s a woman. and women have it harder, always. they have to work twice as hard and protect themselves twice as much. and that’s how life is.

and moon dahye agrees, nods, as if she could understand such a thing at the height of her five-year-old self.

but one day she would.

eleven.

she doesn’t know.

all she knows is that she has his eyes. fiery. destructive.

but she runs.

thirteen.

she finds refuge in the small things.

there’s reading. she loses herself in books and series, imagines a world where she could fit. finds love for these characters that sometimes are so much like herself: fatherless, broken.

because when she dances it’s almost like she isn’t herself anymore. it’s almost like she starts feeling human, feeling something. it becomes a part of her and who she is, truly.

and there’s nothing else she wants to do.

fourteen.

“mom,” she starts, one day, feeling brave, finally putting into words the question that has been haunting her head for years, “why did dad leave us?”

her mother pauses, looks down. it takes her a whole minute to reply.

“you never had a dad, sweetheart.”

and that’s all she ever says about it.

fifteen.

dahye is fifteen.

no, she thinks and she feels sick.

she buries the thought deep inside.

seventeen.

it had been a whole year of auditioning to company after company, of listening to her mother complain that she didn’t raise her all by herself for her to go and become an artist. a whole year of crying, desperation. of almost giving up.

(“you’re so pretty, dahye,” she had said, soft lips on her ear, “you should become an idol”)

and that’s how she ends up in this shitfest of a show. when every audition didn’t go as she planned, dahye knew she needed to be more aggressive if she wanted to make it. and truth be told, kpop star seemed like a good option then. back then. now she just wants it to be over.

and it ends one day, and of course she doesn’t win. but she gathers attention for all the reasons when didn’t want to: her looks. there are articles about her, videos of her playing over and over with the focus on her face rather than her dancing. or pisses her off because that’s exactly what she didn’t want.

when the msg manager approaches her, tells her they want her in she knows. she knows exactly why they want her and she hates it.

but she says yes.

eighteen.

trainee life goes on like some sort of hell that she gets addicted to. dahye is competitive. she thrives on the competition, she wants to be looked up to. and not looked up to for the way she looks and she knows every single trainee of that building think that of her. they know why she’s here just as much as she does. so she dances and dances and learns all those other things. she learns how to carry a tune. she learns how to speak some rhymes in some way that almost seem like she’s rapping. dahye works twice as hard, she goes to her limits. she throws herself in so hard her life passes her by and she almost doesn’t see it.

twenty.

dahye was already hard on the edges, a rose with thorns. her years as a trainee hardened even more. and stardom was just finishing up the job.

but there’s still things that get to her. a girl’s smile, her fingertips on her skin. her fans letters. dancing.

and of course, him.

“dahye?” she hears in a rough voice and her heart stops. “it’s dahye, right?”

“who is it?” she asks even though she knows. she doesn’t know how but she knows.

“i just saw you on tv. I asked your mother for your phone, she didn’t want to tell me. but… yeah. yeah it’s me, kid. and-”

she turns it off, closes her eyes. she cries quietly and then goes back inside.

some ghosts truly never leave.

twenty-five.

she feels like laughing when she remembers the way she was in the beginning. the eagerness. the excitement. if feels colorful in comparison, odd when compared to the black and white of now. cherry bomb used to be her pride, her will. and it still is, in a way. but it’s also different.

and she hasn’t changed all that much. dahye is still determined, she’s still a straight back and focused eyes, beautiful when she’s on stage. though her passion for dancing has diminished, ruined by the choreographies she doesn’t enjoy, by a complacency that is not her usual. in the place of dancing comes fashion, the cameras, the runway. because the thing is: there’s a desperation here. to stand out. to Bez dahye, one, a person. not cherry bomb’s main dancer. not a shadow, a presence at the back of the room. the silent one in interviews. no. it’s funny because she used to hate the fact that she got to be known for her beauty alone. it’s with a quiet resignation that she accepts that it’s what makes her stand out.

and it hurts, slightly, a bit. this weird need to be someone, to be seen

if shell ever make it as dahye, moon dahye and not just as cherry bomb’s dahye is something that is yet to be known.

#id.bio #id.msg #id.lee sunmi #id.cherry bomb!

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