hey everyone, been a while. i hope you're all well and doing what you love. i think it's finally time i had a talk about why i'm never really here. it's not anything serious in real life, it's just a personal reason to me.

my absence isn't only out of no motivation and why i've yet to really respond to most of anything sent to me.

i like being here, i like writing my favourite characters, and i like thinking up scenarios for ones that didn't get as much spotlight as the main cast did. i did it from my childhood and i still fantasize about it here. the people i met from a website that was described back in the day as ❛ hell on earth ❜ ( or modern day twitter ) ended up being a very pleasant place. however, i've feel more disconnected from it and i don't think i really knew why or just didn't want to acknowledge it.

the reason why i liked roleplaying with friends was a sense of community. to connect with one another to share your love for the subjects or just play with your characters as if they were action figures with other kids. it made everything worth it to me. i didn't really grow up with many friends, so this felt like an escape.

when i got older and moved to such a larger site like deviantart or here, i made a few friends here but that's when i started having burnout. not just from life, but from a sense that something was different that didn't capture the feeling from before.

i was lonely.

the people i met were great, we had good times, good laughs, and then they were gone the next.

the people i met were wonderful, happy, and very expressive. but not having a strong connection or a group to be with. i've gotten used to discord and found a group that i kept going on with for hours, weeks, months ... and then it was gone. and i realized how empty it was after.

despite the good times i had, at the end - all i had was the silence. with the silence did come good memories to look back on, but the more i began to wonder how different it would all be if i just reached out to the ones i wanted to be friends with. to put down my guard and finally just lend out a hand.

of course it's easy to not forget to be cautious, especially on this day and age of what kind of people can be behind a screen, but being protective shouldn't come at this cost of being isolated. it's no better than a prison.

not every friend comes with a group, or a long winded explanation from childhood. sometimes it's just a nice person you meet on the streets, cafe, or internet forum. it doesn't have to keep a deep meaning or last forever, sometimes it's just beautiful as is.

maybe sometime i'll go back to it all again, but maybe sometimes it'll be long inactive periods like this. my biggest regret wasn't writing more, it was not telling people that i loved being around them.

this isn't goodbye, but i wanted to finally sit down and explain it all. maybe even give the few people who read this some self reflection and give them the push to really be friends with one another.

thank you all for listening, writing, and being with me. i hope to talk with you all soon. have a great day or night.

love those who call you their friend.

oct 31 2022

trick or treat! long time no see

not vent-y. ive long past any use for this blog anymore, really. but ive been thinking a lot lately. its no surprise that i have some not-so-stellar memory so i dont really remember things unless i REALLY think about it. kind of like a certain white hair character ive been playing for a while. but recently ive been able to actually, truly reflect on my past actions and now, it truly baffles me that people love me or want to continue interactions with me.

it really baffles me even that people havent shut me out or be like 'you're horrible by the way, i can't believe you at some point believed you were a good person before it all hit you in 2019 that you're very, very horrible actually.' people are too kind, aren't they? you are more inclined to believe someone hasn't done anything wrong when you think they haven't but in truth they have. the other week i was thinking there is truly nothing but benefit to killing myself. unattractive, no matter how less i eat now, (im not, nor have i ever, grazed anywhere near the super concerning levels so, really, if anything there is no bad behind this and its good for me) even uglier underneath, now i really know no matter what i do i'm forever going to be weird and awkward and i'll forever be an outcast even to the groups i'm in, completely incapable of being competent. even my friends mentioned they did not like me before befriending me, and they make jokes at my expense sometimes, and i wonder if i somehow have manipulated them. even the one i love. god i couldn't even bear it. so many times i felt like i've cheated them out of someone better, someone more proper to deal with them, someone more competent and it makes me wonder what the hell i did to trick them into liking me and making so many promises. i just cannot, im sorry. it's one of the most confusing things in my life. i am nothing but unworthy. i feel i am only meant to give love to others, not be loved. that sort of reciprocation is just not for me, i think. sometimes i feel too awful in the head to properly help them but i force myself to suck it up and push it down even if the thought of replying stresses me out and makes me feel worse. but that's jjust what people do for eachother, don't they? so i feel bad because i feel like i'm making it out to be their fault when it's really not. at all. who knows if i can even do anything to save them? i can't even kill myself anymore because i'd just be abandoning them when they need me the most, and in a way, that's good but it feels like that lack of ironic freedom kills me in a way. i'm not sad any more over this, really. those days are past me now. i guess it's just a part of maturing. that life is not what you ever will want it to be, and you're just locked into a pretty unhappy or undesirable future no matter what. though, i guess if i ever get selfish enough (as if i wasn't enough), or god decides it is my time, i hope he makes it quick and painless. it's a bit too much to ask for, but whatever. didn't really ask to be a person anyways i'd rather just observe life. but as edgy and joker arc-y as it sounds i guess the greatest freedom of all (life) is the most cripplingly oppressive. i probably don't even mean that last sentence i thought it somewhat sounded nice. i am just a natural liar through my teeth. though it prevents me from stupidity like this, haha. anyways i have been enjoying FE13 and FE14 in the time i have been inactive. i love jakob he's so nice for being a typical butler character.

https://youtu.be/6ZfImwCMI6w

i have known for awhile that i'm completely replaceable and forgettable. it isn't just my depression saying this. it is actual quantifiable fact. in the past 23 years of my life, i've just been finding more and more evidence that proves this to be true, so you think i would be used to it by now. you'd think it would have stopped hurting by now. after two decades i've had countless experiences proving that no one would notice if i vanished completely from the face of the Earth, but every time it happens, it still cuts deep.

last Friday i caught a seven day ban on Facebook, meaning i am unable to post, comment, react to or like other posts, share posts to my feed for others to see, moderate the groups i run, or even edit old posts. i can’t do ANYTHING except message other people. so for the past week i have been completely silent. inactive. i even deleted the app from my phone so i couldn't instinctively go back and scroll through my feed.

i am much more active on Facebook than anywhere else. i have about 400 friends on my Facebook account, and i often share posts (memes, stories, etc) for them to see. i will share other posts or make my own up to 60 times a day, and it’s extremely rare for me to go radio silent for more than 24 hours. in the past, when i’ve gone quiet, they’ve noticed and checked on me.

they didn’t notice this time. at all. not one person out of the 400 people on my friends list has noticed. if they did notice they never said anything. maybe they didn't care. or maybe they were even relieved that they had a break from me. maybe they're hoping that if they stay quiet, i'll never come back

when i'm having a hard time and posting about it to vent, sometimes my friends say that they always notice when i’m gone because they have my posts marked under ‘Favorites.’ when you mark a person as a ‘Favorite’, their posts will always appear at the top of your feed when you log in -- basically, their posts are given priority over others. this means that the absence of my posts should be very clear. maybe they somehow missed it. though... a horrible part of me wonders if they were just lying out of pity.

in just 3 hours, the ban will be over. it's been seven days since i last posted, liked, commented, or shared, and... nothing. nobody has reached out. nobody has commented on an old post checking that i'm okay. nobody has tagged me, asking if something is wrong. nobody has DMed me. nobody has made a post of their own. hell, nobody has even reached out to my mom to ask if i'm even still alive.

i know they probably have things going on in their own lives, the world is busy and all. but... some of these people are my best friends... and none of them have even realized ive been gone. i know it isn't out of malice; none of them would try to hurt me on purpose like that. they're good people.

it happens on Tumblr, too. every single time my blog has gone inactive for months at a time, when my queue has run out completely, nobody has send in asks or messages. nobody has missed me. it makes sense, though. most people follow well over a thousand other blogs. i'm just a name to them. i'm just a name to you.

it isn't just on the internet. it happens in real life, in almost every single relationship i have with other people. why? it's who i am as a person. i am forgettable. i am replaceable. i am not special in any way. my mediocrity is the only trait i possess that isn't negative.

any possible good quality i could have is worthless because every single person i will ever meet in my entire life is going to know someone better than me. maybe i'm funny sometimes? well, Brad is funnier. maybe i'm okay at drawing? well, Melvin, Steven, and Sarah are all a billion times more skilled. maybe my writing is slightly better than the average person's? yeah, well, that doesn't fucking matter, because everyone on the face of the fucking planet is going to know someone who's a billion times better, so i'd be wasting my time publishing anything.

when people do remember me, it's for the horrible shit i've done. it's for the way i've treated them both in the past and now. it's for the faux pas. it's for the horrible beliefs i held growing up. it's for the biases i still hold now and can't seem to shake. it's for the countless awful social habits i've developed that i can't seem to kick. it's for the endless ways i have disappointed them. it's for the pity they've had for me. it's for the horrible shit i've said to people when i'm in distress. it's for the times i've fucked up so badly in public that they've suffered the worst second-hand embarrassment of their life. it's for my inability to grow as a person. it's for the fact that i am apparently too fucking stupid to unlearn all the awful habits and traits i've picked up from growing up in a conservative family. it's for my abusive personality. it's for my manipulative behavior. it's for the public breakdowns. it's for the failed friendships. it's for my impulsive behavior. it's for my lack of a brain-mouth barrier. it's for my abusers, who i have emulated in all of the worst ways. it's for my refusal to take responsibility for my actions. it's for my tendency to run away from the conflicts i can't handle. it's for the guilt-tripping. it's for my ugly face. it's for the disgust they feel when looking at my body. it's for my complete inability to shut the FUCK up about shit nobody cares about. it's for the fact that i am a judgemental prick. it's for the fact that i am inherently worthless. it's for the fact that i haven't changed in years -- i'm still the exact same piece of shit i've been since middle school. it's for the fact that i somehow get away with every single fuck up, every single argument, every single horrible insult. it's for the fact that i relapse over and over and never make any progress in recovery. it's for the fact that i have never, ever, EVER been good enough. it's for the fact that they're afraid of saying how much they dislike me because they don't want to trigger my worthless fucking feelings. it's for the fact that i brainwash people into caring about me, into thinking i'm a good person with value. it's for the fact that i manipulate people into thinking a friendship with me is a good idea. it's for the fact that i trap people in my life and dont allow them to move on and find someone better.

when people remember me, it's because i am worse than my abusers in every single fucking way. i am just as stupid, angry, bitter, hateful, toxic, manipulative, and dangerous to be around as they were, if not worse. and the best part? they were doing it on purpose. i'm like this because it's intrinsic to who i am. if it wasn't, the years of energy i've put into trying to better myself would've made a difference. they didn't. i really am Like that.

one of these days i'll get over my fears and do myself -- and everyone else -- a favor. if i'm dead they don't have to feel bad about forgetting i exist. if i'm dead, i can't hurt anybody. if i'm dead, i can't trap every single person in my life in a friendship they feel too guilty to escape. if i'm dead they don't have to worry about forgetting me. if i'm dead they don't have to see my stupid 23498234-paragraph-long posts. if i'm dead, they don't have to hear me talk for hours about the stupid shit i like. if i'm dead, they can move on without fearing that i'll panic over being "abandoned." if i'm dead they can be happy. i just need to stop being afraid of pain and i can fix it for everybody.

when people remember me, it's because they wish they never met me.