Hello! I don't know how often you get these, but I really, really, really miss your fics. Seriously, your stories are so unique and wonderful and they have this gothic-romantic-sexy-tragic atmosphere that's just 😩😩 Anyway, do you think you're going to post again any time soon?

hello! yeah, I do semi-regularly get asks like this, and have published none of them. my past policy has always been "don't answer them until I have some good news," ie something written and ready to post, which is why they've gone unanswered for a while now (my apologies to anyone who's sent one in! I'm not ignoring you out of malice so much as having trouble confronting my own...trouble, I guess.)

because I can't sugarcoat, I've been in a real writing slump for the last year and change! I don't really know why, or how to fix it, so I'm kinda. trying to make peace with it. lately I've been limping along writing bits and pieces of WIPs and things, but nothing I feel is in a state of completion or readiness (and I hold myself to a pretty high standard there to begin with.) I'm trying to at least stay in a writing-y mindset by reading lots of books (both fiction and craft), taking long rambles through the hills, working on other creative hobbies, continuing to write meta and the very occasional journal entry, etc. but the truth is I feel like a drained battery most of the time. it is what it is ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

when it comes to my fics (and thank you for the compliment, omg that is the HIGHEST praise and has definitely made my week), in particular my two big WIPs, the most I can promise is that I'm never not thinking about them. I may not have posted updates in a long time, but really I've been tweaking outlines, taking notes, writing down little inspirations I bump into so I can revisit them when my ability returns from war. I even did the Fanauthor Workshop again, which was great for inspiration, craft-honing, and just easing back toward a general writing mindset. so I have hope that I'll pick them back up again! I just can't say when. it's been hard to talk about because I hate having nothing to say except "yep, I haven't written a goddamn thing, it sucks," but like, maybe it's one of those paradoxical situations where my creative output won't be restored until I learn to let it go, or something. who knows.

anyway I'm sorry I rambled about my creative slump for the length of a high school paper but this has all been on my mind a lot lately, so your timing was great! thank you for giving me the space to self-analyze a bit.

Hi! First of all I’d like to say how much I love your blog, the writing/mental health tips are always so on point, they’ve helped me more than you can imagine.

Second, I’m kind of going through a rough time. Health problems + mental health problems and no support from people around me. Sometimes I pour my heart out just to be silenced by their silence or by them gaslighting me. Writing is the thing that keeps me going. Sometimes I say to myself I only want to keep living because I know I have things to write. (Not that I’d do something to myself, it’s about the health issues that scare me and end up becoming big monsters.) I know this is too much to share and ask from you, but it’s late at night and I was finishing a story today, I was so excited about having time to finish and being on a roll, creative juices flowing and all, when suddenly it was like a blackhole drained all my energy and all the “progress” I felt I was making, so I couldn’t write, I felt like crying, I sent messages to people I miss that don’t miss me. I’m a mess. I don’t know if I panicked because I really have a due date for this story, maybe I’m sabotaging myself. Could you please give me some advice? Anything.

All the hugs, darling. It always takes courage to reach out and I'm so glad you did. I'm no wise sage, but I can speak from my own experience and hope that you find something useful from my own personal chaos.

I don't know what you're going through, but it sounds like A Lot and I'm sorry to hear it. You are brave and strong. You know that, but I want to say it anyway. You're under a lot of pressure and it's normal to examine the reasons why you're alive. I'm so glad writing is your refuge. It's the same for me.

Your comment about the black hole draining all your creative energy really resonated. Things have been A Lot in my life lately too, without any foreseeable resolution. My dad's still in the hospital, I'm in a rut about house projects and feeling overwhelmed about it, we're dealing with some big stuff with Husbandthing's family, and frankly I need to stop reading the news and go touch more grass. My body is exhausted. Writing is supposed to rejuvenate me, but when I sit down and open myself up, there's just dust and blowing tumbleweeds. It's frustrating and it's painful and I hate every second of it. I'd planned on having this novel done by mid-February, which was perfectly reasonable, but since all the Everything started, my production tanked and now I'm nowhere close.

I'm a mess. You're a mess. We're not okay, but I keep telling myself it's okay to not be okay. This is part of the ebb and flow of human existence. When I'm having a bipolar low, I can either rage against it - and, um, often do - or just accept that it exists and hunker down until it passes. (Acceptance is not always my strong suit.)

As a friend pointed out recently, sometimes you need a cover crop in your garden, something other than the vegetables that puts nutrients back in the soil. Maybe that means taking a break from what you're working on and working on something else. Warp and Weft saved me last month because I desperately needed to be writing something and the novel just wasn't going to happen. When that was done, the novel still wasn't happening, so I've been trying to be gentle about that.

I saw a post ages ago about a cleaning technique called junebugging: you put yourself in the vicinity of a task and do stuff around the task, like wiping down the counter instead of doing the dishes, with the end result that if you don't end up doing the dishes, you still get dishes-adjacent cleaning done. (The post explained it better, sorry.) I've been junebugging my writing lately: I sit down in the morning, take stock of my word count, make notes of things, maybe read back a bit or read another part of the trilogy entirely, and if I don't end up adding things to the section I'm working on, I'm trying to accept that that's okay. It's like the discourse around sleep hygiene: if you're suffering insomnia and can't fall asleep after half an hour, get up and do something else for a bit, then try again. Don't just lay there hating yourself.

A common refrain from my support group: if being hard on ourselves worked, it would have worked by now.

I guess what I'm saying in this long, rambling, caffeinated way is to be gentle with yourself.  Don’t panic. You will write again. It’s part of who you are. There is a soft, tender part of you that needs nourishment and love, and it sounds like maybe you're not getting that from the people around you, and I’m sorry about that. Hold space for what you’re feeling, because you are good and valid and what you’re feeling is valid. 

Take care of yourself, lovely, and keep in touch. Let me know how it goes.