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conretewings · 1 year

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"Love Song"

-Vander x OC. Angst and romantic fluff.

-When Vander finally decides to visit Rosemary at the club she's performing at, he'll find out much more than he ever expected to.

Rosemary peeked through a slit in the worn velvet curtains at the back of the stage, absentmindedly spinning the glass sapphire ring on her index finger to calm her nerves. There was quite the crowd tonight; normally this particular club wasn't this packed even on a Saturday, but apparently her growing popularity had pulled in more patrons than usual, something the owner was, of course, pleased as punch about.

She scanned the room, seeing a bunch of the usual suspects and a slew of new faces, most looking like they were already a drink or so in. Classy and expensive as this establishment was with it's heavy wood tables, thick, patterned tablecloths, plush-backed chairs and beautiful decor, the crowd's more inebriated behavior tended to, ironically, vary little from the dilapidated places down in the Undercity.

Biting her inner lip, mindful of the crimson lipstick painting them, she searched in the sea of well-groomed faces for one in particular, one less so but leagues more handsome. She had hoped many a time to see that face during one of her performances, but sadly, so far he'd yet to appear...

-"Please Van! It'd be great to see ya in the audience sometime!"

"So I can stick out like a sore thumb? Sorry love those fancy places ya sing at aren't for me..."

It was about a week prior, and she'd invited Vander out for a beer after her family's shop had closed and he'd finished his shift in the mines. In time their conversation turned to her budding singing career, and eventually to the stalemate they'd found themselves at; her persistent invitation for him to come see her, and his reluctance to do so.

Rosemary blew out an annoyed breath and took a long gulp of her beer before swiveling on her barstool to rest an elbow on the counter and poke at his arm, "Know what I think? I think you're afraid you'll actually enjoy yourself, 'n then you'd hafta admit it's not all bad!"

"And I think you're already drunk." he quipped dryly.

"Coward."

"Lil' pest."

Switching tactics, she turned her brows downward and poked out her lip, doing her best pleading expression, "I'm singin' at the Owl Club just over the bridge on Friday. It'd really mean a lot to have my mate's support!"

He lit a cigarette and after silently offering her a puff, blew several thoughtful wisps into the air, "And I can support ya without havin' everyone starin' at me and makin' remarks about the trencher trash," his expression darkened and voice dropped to a low growl, "Topsiders will always think they're better than us, that they're above us both literally and otherwise...sometimes I dunno how you can stomach it."

She fell quiet, turning away to face the chipped and stained mirror behind the bar. In it she saw duel reflections of them; one more clear, one murky and cracked. She sipped some more of her drink and in her inebriated mind swirled a melancholy thought as she mused, as she sometimes did, which one reflected the future?

At length she sighed lowly and murmured, "A'right. I respect that. I won't bug ya anymore 'bout it."

He glanced sideways at her, seeing the sadness and loneliness behind her bright hazel eyes despite her efforts to hide it and felt a traitorous stab of guilt. Dammit all. He didn't want to give those pompous fucks the satisfaction of mocking him, but he also hated to see her of all people like this. Maybe...

Mirroring her, he sighed and rubbed his temples, only smearing the dust around more and shifted to face her, "Tell ya what. I'll...consider it. Maybe some time if I'm not too busy. Just don't hold your breath."

"W-wait really?" Rosemary blinked in disbelief, then broke into a radiant smile, the one that made his heart skip and warmth bubble up in his chest.

Hoping she couldn't see that warmth beginning to paint his cheeks he scoffed with a smirk, "If I didn't give in ya were just gonna keep buggin' me."

That damned smile of his, that crinkled the corners of his eyes and sent tiny lightning bolts zipping throughout her body rendered her momentarily stupefied-although the ale wasn't helping-before she felt her face warm and retorted, "I said I would drop it! But...thank you."

"Sure ya would." he teased.

"Asshole! You're lucky you're so damn handsome!"

Vander winked, "And you're lucky to have me."

She began to toss another sarcastic remark at him when she froze, cursing silently as she felt the heat flush her cheeks deeper and was unable to tear her eyes from his. Oh, she'd like to have him all right. In several ways. Before she could stop the words rolling off her tongue they were out.

"Do I...?"

His eyebrows knitted as he briefly pondered her words and how to reply; he still wasn't completely certain of how she saw him, saw them, the subject being so difficult to broach they avoided it with banter and booze, the irony being the longer they stuck their heads in the sand the more they felt suffocated by the tension.

Clearing his throat, Vander tapped his fingers on the counter and carefully asked, "When we uh, gonna talk 'bout last week...?"

Rosemary swallowed audibly, knowing exactly to what he was referring; the night at Iron Bear when their game of flirting and wits had taken a much more serious and unquestionable turn, when she'd purred downright raunchy suggestions in his ear unlike anything they'd said to each other prior, throwing their relationship into question. He'd taken off, not sure how to process it and they'd awkwardly avoided the topic since.

"Oh-oh. Right. Thaaaat..." she coughed, nervously kicking her feet and glancing everywhere but at him directly. She hadn't expected him to be the one to break the ice but here they were. "Well...I guess I-"

"Vander?! There you are I been lookin' for you!"

Abruptly, Benzo appeared and rushed over, looking gravely serious. He gave her a quick nod of greeting and apology and Rosemary, both irritated at the interruption of their important discussion, yet admittedly slightly relieved, leaned to peer around his large frame, only able to catch bits of their conversation despite her closeness. After a few moments Vander stood and snatched up his jacket, his expression of barely controlled rage and exasperation sending goosebumps of a different kind up her back.

He glanced at her, a shadow of guilt crossing his face, "Sorry Rosie, some bad business at the docks...I have to go. We'll catch up later."

She didn't have time to reply beyond an acknowledgement and a quick wish for his safety before the group was gone.

-Rosemary exhaled wearily, gripping the plush curtain; such was the price of starting a black market empire. She hadn't seen him since, though according to Benzo he was fine. Still she wondered when they'd cross paths again and what that conversation might entail.

"Miss? Miss Rosemary?" came an uncertain voice, snapping her focus back to the present.

She turned to see a young man with a clipboard and the tell-tale patchy acne of unfortunate teens, his suit a size too large and standing with as much confidence as could be mustered. He cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses, "I'm sorry-I don't want to rush you b-but you're up in two minutes. Oh! And...um, you look really beautiful today!"

"Thank you Charlie," she smiled, reaching to adjust his slightly crooked tie and he chuckled out a nervous 'thanks', "You're always so kind. Hold onto that yeah? And don't worry I'll be ready."

"Cool, cool, good. Okay! I'll let Abe know," he whirled away but then turned back as he awkwardly walked sideways off the backstage, "Good luck!"

She gave him a little wave with another smile before turning back and after one last vainly hopeful and ultimately fruitless peek, smoothed her cream-colored, ankle length dress and drew several deep, restorative breaths, getting herself into the right mindset. It was time to let Rosemary, the mechanic's daughter and rebellious Undercity youth, take a break to allow her alter ego to shine through the rust and grease.

She heard the chatter drop off with Abe, the club owner's, heavy footfalls crossing the stage and calling for attention.

"Good ladies and gents!" he boomed, all smiles and arms outstretched, "I trust you've been having a splendid time. We at the Owl Club aim to please with the finest spirits, dishes and entertainment. Speaking of, I do believe it's time for our star act this evening, the reason, I suspect, at least some of you fine people came."

Rosemary prepped herself, drawing a few more calming breaths and quietly singing a few last-minute warmup scales as Abe continued to work the crowd and build excitement.

Neither he nor anyone noticed the figure that slipped into the room, taking an inconspicuous spot in the back and partially behind a fake vine-festooned column.

"-May I present, the lovely, the talented, the nightingale of the mines, the beautiful blossom that grows even in darkness, the one and only-!"

Flawlessly on cue, Rosemary dramatically flung the curtains aside and swaggered onto the stage, the lights making her gown shimmer and smiled broadly, waving to the crowd.

"Lady Rose!"

There was an outburst of applause and cheers mingled with occasional whistle or cheesy 'howl'. Laughing, Rosemary took up the microphone at center stage and struck a pose.

"Hello boys and gals," she all but purred, then continued with a coy grin, "So wonderful to see you all! I do hope you're having a real...hoot tonight."

The audience laughed approvingly at her little pun, while she herself cringed inside; she loathed that stupid joke, but Abe always insisted she work it in, for 'branding' he had explained. She thought he was a dumbass but kept that to herself.

"I've got a nice little lineup of tunes I think you'll enjoy. First off is the classic and ever classy, 'Dont Leave Me Lonely'."

A record player just out of sight sparked to life, the sound quickly moving to a set of speakers behind the large potted plants on the stage's sides and Rosemary folded one hand over her heart, raising the microphone and swaying to the opening lyrics.

"Darling don't leave me lonely, don't leave me here tonight...come sit with me on this bed of stars and all will be alright..."

Rosemary had gone through almost her entire set, pausing between songs to breathe and entertain the audience with a witty quip or friendly, appropriately flirty banter, part of her enjoying the attention and the other remembering Vander's words;

'Topsiders will always think they're better than us, that they're above us both literally and otherwise...sometimes I dunno how you can stomach it...'

If he bothered to show up, he'd see that from her elevated vantage point she was now, ironically, the one above them. It was a thought she relished with more than a dab of petty glee...and a touch of bitterness. Pushing these melancholy thoughts and thoughts of him at all aside-she needed to focus-she went back to center stage.

"Now then, this will have to be my last song for the evening-" she paused to let them good-naturedly protest, smiling sadly, "I know, I know, but I'll be back! So, for this final piece..."

She trailed off, noticing for the first time the large figure in the back and instantly recognized those broad shoulders and intense eyes even from the half shadow he stood in and her heart soared; Vander had shown up at last and it was all she could do to stop herself from running to embrace him. Instead an idea crossed her mind and giddy from the happiness of seeing him, she composed herself and broke into a warm smile, clearing her throat.

"Actually...I was going to sing 'Beyond the Waters' however..." she grabbed a stool that had also been behind one of plants. With a flourish, she dragged it to front and center and gracefully perched herself on it, making direct eye contact with Vander, "I believe I'll do 'Fancy Seeing You..'."

-"You need my assistance with what now?"

Silco swiveled in his chair to gaze incredulously at Vander sprawled on the couch in their 'office', a spare room in the small bar they owned. The place was as much a blatant front for their black market dealings as it was a legitimate business, but the Enforcers had yet to catch on.

Vander sighed and removed his feet from the coffee table to stand and pace, "I...decided I'm gonna go see Rosie sing, but I can't go like this. They won't even let me in prob'ly. So uh," he rubbed the back of his neck, "Think ya can help me spiff up a bit?"

Eyebrow crooked, a small smile tugged at one corner of Silco's mouth as he casually flipped to another page, "I'm glad to see you're finally attending. Benzo and I did some time ago. What's taken you so long, I wonder?"

"Didn't wanna start nothin'."

A flash of suspicion crossed Silco's expression, "I very much doubt the man who beats up Enforcers on a semi-regular basis is concerned about decorum or reputation."

Vander paused in his pacing, hands thrust into his pockets. He couldn't bring himself to admit, to Silco or anyone, that part of the reason was he was afraid; afraid of seeing her all dolled up, shining like a star and losing what part of his heart didn't already belong to her. He wasn't sure how she felt, and didn't want to ruin their friendship if she didn't feel the same. But if he saw her, he knew it'd be over.

Instead he said, "You're right. I don't give two shits 'bout what they think of me. But even if I'm not a fan of the places or Pilties she's 'round...I can't ruin what she's worked for by startin' a fight. So, think ya can help me blend in?"

Satisfied seemingly by this, Silco dropped the sheaf of papers with a flourish and stood, walking up to Vander and circling him, hands clasped behind his back. Vander watched him curiously before coughing pointedly.

"Well...?"

"Of course I'll help. I'll get in touch with one of my contacts to provide you with a suitable wardrobe; should be only a couple of days. But first I need to see what I'm working with...and some work does need to be done."

"Fuck you." Vander smirked, and Silco shot him a sideways glance while clicking his tongue disapprovingly, "Language. That's tip number one. Tip number two.."

Silco reached up and flicked his fingers through Vander's thick, messy hair, "Proper clothing is important yes, but so is grooming. We'll start here..."

-When he'd entered the club, Vander felt painfully awkward and uncomfortable among the crowd, full well knowing he didn't belong despite the fashionable clothes and neatly combed hair. But, gazing up at Rosemary on that stage, joyful smile as bright as her gown shining under the twinkling lights, voice sweeter than honey and beautiful eyes fixed on him as if this was a private concert just for them, all that melted away and suddenly they were the only ones in the room.

"Fancy seeing you here, it's been too long...Fancy seeing you here, won't you stay a while?...."

Vander felt a hot tightness in his chest he didn't know a name for and all he could do was watch in awe as the woman who drank cheap beer with him, teased and gave him hell, would show up covered in engine oil and dirt had transformed into an angel complete with halo from the spotlight.

High from the adrenaline and feeling daring, Rosemary decided to crank things up a notch...and make her way to someone without seeming too suspicious. Sliding off the stool, without missing a beat of the song she swaggered down the short stairs off the stage and into the audience itself, pausing at various tables for a moment or two. The audience was abuzz, people leaning around each other to get a better glimpse and murmuring excitedly among themselves.

Vander was abruptly startled from his musings by someone bumping an elbow into him. Glancing to his right he saw a group of several people, faces flushed pink and drinks in their hands.

One short, balding man smirked drunkenly at him, "Ain't she something special? Beautiful. Talented. Man when I tell you I'd love to know what else she's good at..."

The others echoed his sentiments, one even making a squeezing gesture and the group chortled with booze-soaked glee.

Vander's jaw clenched and he quickly bit the inside of his cheek, hard, to stop himself from saying something rash, fists clenched white-knuckled; he had to keep his cover for her sake, and thus quelled his reactive instinct to beat the shit out of them. With horror he realized several others around them were sharing similar remarks, making his stomach turn.

What he couldn't hide was the flash of rage in his steel-blue eyes, because the man paled, "Oh...um..."

Vander, still fighting to keep his composure, all but growled, "I'm sure you would mate, but she ain't a toy."

He cursed silently, sure he'd blown his cover...before the man suddenly guffawed and clapped a hand on his shoulder, "I like your fire sir. Maybe you should be a bouncer for this place!"

He then removed his hand and staggered off with the rest of his inebriated posse, which was fortunate, because Vander was about to remove it for him...and perhaps from his arm entirely.

By this time, Rosemary had circled almost the whole room, singing 'directly' to random patrons and enjoying their sometimes flustered reactions-and then she was suddenly right in front of him.

And for a brief, frozen moment as they stared at each other, they were the only two souls in the world.

Heart hammering so loudly she was sure he could hear, she reached out to grasp the end of his tie, playing with the silken fabric as her wavering eyes dared to meet his and she raised the microphone to finish the song.

"Fancy seeing you here...and here it is...I love you...won't you stay forever?"

And with those words the fear he'd held came to pass as she stole his breath and abruptly that tightness had a name. He swallowed thickly, stunned and uncertain; it was just the lyrics, wasn't it? She didn't actually just...?

Silently mouthing 'thank you', she spun on her heel before her face gave away her feelings and made her way back to the stage, waving politely to the cheering and whistling crowd. Unable to stand it and mind whirling, Vander also turned quickly and strode out, ignoring the scattered chuckles behind him with gritted teeth and shoved open a back door to a side alley.

Twirling back around, Rosemary's face fell; where did he go? She had to compose herself swiftly though, and blowing kisses to the audience, thanked them and bade them goodnight before exiting as soon and discreetly as possible. She barreled past Abe in the side hall, who was already in the middle of a rambling speech both praising and admonishing her little 'stunt'.

"I don't know what you were thinking young lady but maybe you can try that-"

"Thanks-Abe-sorry-be-back-!"

Meanwhile in the alley, a faint drizzle had begun, scattering drops on the cobblestone. Pacing, breath rapid, Vander hiccuped out a cross between a sob and a snarl and not sure how to process the hurricane of emotion inside, swung a fist into the brick wall, scraping his knuckles raw. He let it sit there, the throbbing pain giving him something else to focus on-

"Van?!"

He paused, glancing toward the exclamation of his nickname to see her standing there, concern painting her beautiful features. Letting his fist fall limpy to his side, it left a bloody streak on the orange brick, the pain doing it's job as he snorted out a breath and, as he always did, resorted to covering his emotions with a familiar veneer of anger.

"How can ya fuckin' stand them, Rosie? Ya know what they say about you, what they think of ya?!"

Rosemary started to reply but paused, seeing that she had to choose her words carefully; the furrow of his brow and wound tension of his shoulders gave away how the storm raged under the surface.

"...Of course I do, Van," she responded calmly, "I'm not that naive. But ya know how much coin I rake in per night?"

He barked out a bitter laugh, the words pouring out as his deep voice echoed loudly off the walls, "I know I know but-you're nothin' but a toy to them! They don't respect what ya do! Hell they don't respect ya at all! They don't really care about ya! They'll never know you, never love you like we do like I do-"

He trailed off, the silence that refilled the space deafening as her mouth hung open. Her heart raced anew, hope beginning to seep into it like the raindrops in her hair as she'd never dared to feel before.

"Did you...?" she managed, and he exhaled in frustration, then realizing he'd already blown it-in for a penny in for a pound right?-he blurted the thing that kept repeating in his head, the thing that would make or break what they had but he could no longer ignore.

"Was that just the song talkin' or was that you too?!"

There it was; the flash of hope and uncertainty mirroring her own touching his expression and despite the seriousness of the situation, her happiness bubbled up, resulting in a nervous, soft laugh.

"I'm glad one of us finds this funny." he sourly grumbled, running a hand through his hair and purposely messing it up.

"No! Vander-" she clutched her dress with a shaky breath and lowered her voice, as if she'd scare him away if she spoke a fraction too loud, "I'm just...why do you think I chose that song?"

The realization sinking in, his expression softened as he met her gaze again, her hazel eyes seeming to desperately try and convey what words adequately could not.

His own voice carefully measured yet a shade brighter he asked, "So you really...?"

"Yeah...I do!"

"Ya sure?"

"Pretty damn sure but figure it out big guy."

"...Lil' pest."

"...Coward."

They laughed then, some of the tension alleviated as Rosemary rubbed her arms, beginning to feel a tad chilled from the misty rain. Noting this, Vander approached and removed his vest, draping it over her shoulders.

"Thanks," she smiled almost shyly, then her attention turned abruptly to his bloodied, scraped hand. Instantly her demeanor switched back to her 'normal' self with a huff.

Grabbing his hand she rolled her eyes, "How many times I gotta tell ya?! Keep this up and you'll get a nasty infection-again! I swear-!"

Reaching down she tore a strip of her dress's underlayer off. Winding the soft fabric around his injuries she continued to mutter and scold him, as if he were a reckless child and not a fully grown man nearly a foot taller than herself. He protested and grumbled, insisting he was fine and she didn't need to make such a fuss.

"For fuck's sake yer bein' ridiculous I've gotten hurt worse 'n this."

Glaring at him she worked to cinch the makeshift bandage tight, "Deal with it."

"Look I'm not a kid ya don't gotta-"

"-then quit whining and let me-"

"Hey! Ow! Dammit Rosie-!"

"It's yer own fault ya-"

Abruptly, amidst their squabbling their eyes locked and silence fell again...and then the dam burst at last.

Without thinking about it too hard, or indeed at all, before any doubts or stray imagined barriers could resurface their arms were around each other, lips pressed together and for just a brief, blissful second, nothing else existed.

Rosemary tangled her fingers in his thick tresses, so intoxicated by the sensation and taste of him she barely registered when he literally swept her off her feet, lifting her so he didn't have to bend down as much.

Vander's head was spinning, his heart pounded anew, scarcely believing this was really happening and not one of the many daydreams he'd dared to spin about this moment; no, there it was, her soft mouth molded to his and her scent filling his lungs, a divine perfume so far a cry from the filthy air of the Undercity he imagined this was the smell of heaven.

Eventually they disentangled themselves enough to pause and attempt to take stock of the situation and their new-found status. Rosemary coughed and brushed some stray hairs that had come undone back into place.

"Well..." she began, "Where does this leave us?"

Vander smirked, and she crooked an eyebrow as he slid one arm around her, "I uh, think it's safe to say we're a lil' more than friends. Definitely probably a couple. Maybe besides that we can...figure it out as we go?"

"Yeah...I like that," she nodded with another rare, sweetly shy smile, the kind that sent sparks up his spine all over again, then her expression abruptly turned downright devious, "And I have a brilliant idea for a first date..."

-Abe was on his usual rounds, making sure everything in the club was closed, locked, or otherwise buttoned up for the night. Seeing that everything was seemingly in it's rightful place he made one final lap back past a couple offices and storerooms-when he spotted one door slightly ajar.

Muttering, he closed it fully and turned the key in the lock, walking away with a yawn...never noticing all the missing items or small bags of coins.

Meanwhile, Vander and Rosemary dashed through the streets and alleys, laughing gleefully and pausing occasionally for another victory smooch, the coins in their pockets shining as brightly as their spirits.

#arcane #arcane fanfiction #arcane vander #vander arcane #arcane vander x oc #vander x oc #fluff and angst #romance and angst #yoooo this took me FOR FUCKING EVER #I'm really really proud of it though

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marauders70s · 4 years

Conversation

a collection of dumb hp-p&r text memes

dumbledore, gesturing: could a depressed person make this???

mcgonagall: your hand is literally rotting off

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harry: sometimes I feel like arguing with you is like arguing with the sun.

hermione: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I AM SUPER CHILL ALL THE TIME.

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pansy: you look awful

draco: what up bitch i just ran a 5k

pansy: really?

draco: no i threw up blood in the shower

pansy: that fight with potter really got ya down huh

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harry: hey ron are you okay

ron, wearing the locket, staring straight ahead at a tree: yeah i'm fine it's just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired.

harry: hermione it's your turn

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sirius, at any minor convenience: everything hurts and i'm dying

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goyle: I once knew a guy for seven years and never learned his name. best friend i ever had. we still never talk sometimes, because he's dead.

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oliver: sometimes you gotta do a little work so you can ball a lot.

mcgonagall: that is incorrect

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james, during house arrest: If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.

lily, from the couch: oops

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snape, at a christmas dinner: I can still smell her hair at night

dumbledore, pouring a generous amount of mulled wine: Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.

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ron: hermione, i'm not using your color coded talking planner

hermione: we need to get good grades on our OWLs!

ron: there's nothing that could motivate me to use it

hermione: well, there's nothing we can't do if we work work hard, never sleep, and shirk from all other responsibilities in our lives.

---

harry: Professor, I wanna go home early. Ooh, hold on actually, hang on. Yeah, no, I wanna quit and never come here again.

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ron: i'm going to tell you all my secrets

hermione: you don't have to do that

ron: I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks

ron: I didn't actually break charlie's wand all the way I just hid it and forgot where

ron: I don't know who scrimgeour is and at this point I'm too afraid to ask.

ron: when they have 2 sickles a scoop on salamander eyes i'm not sure where the rest of the salamander goes

ron: when i was a baby fred turned my teddy into a spider and i got so scared my mum took me to a mindhealer and they wrote a textbook about me

ron: i once threw a garden gnome so hard that it hit my sister in the face and began attacking her

hermione, looking up from her book: what did ginny do?

ron: she bit it and it ran off.

hermione: classic

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severus: no matter what i do nothing bad can happen to me. i'm like a white wizengamot official who pretended they were mind-controlled after the fall of the dark lord

lucius: I resent that

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sirius: thank merlin my great uncle alphard just died so I am fluuuuusheeeeeed with galleeeeooonsss

remus: I'm going to regret this flatshare

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seamus: i passed up a gay halloween party to see this troll. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Peverell Brothers make out with three Viktor Krums. It was amazing.

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luna: We need to remember what's important in life. Friends, unpredictable creatures, and school. Or unpredictable creatures, friends, school. It doesn't matter. But school is third.

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tom riddle: I totally hear you, but I also don't like what you're saying. So if you say no, I will release a giant snake in the bathroom

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luna: would you like some -

hermione: no! I am going to run for minister of magic someday, so no, thank you. I mean, not that I haven't - I ate a brownie once at quidditch cup party. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any potions in the brownie, it was just an insanely good brownie.

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sirius: do i look like the kind of person who drinks water

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neville: flying is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but merlin, at what cost?

ron: okay, you don't have to join the pick up game -

neville: no no i want to be included. i'll come

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james: What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me.

sirius: that's not right

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mcgongall: I think you’ve got several options. They’re all terrible…but you have them.

peter: this career counseling session is getting a bit intense

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neville: how are you handling the...breakup...

ginny: I’m gonna buy some sweat pants and a Gilderoy Lockhart novel. Might as well lean into it.

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dumbledore, in the staff room, extremely intoxicated: Who hasn’t had gay thoughts?

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james: Goodbye, Lily Evans, my head girl partner. Hello, Lily Potter, my fallopian princess.

lily: i should have never married you. or at least made you wear a condom

james: what's a-

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sprout: I’m a simple lesbian. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and man-killing plants.

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sirius: A couple more rules: if you ever read a sad book, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you’ve been crying. There’s no noise allowed on Mondays. And no magic after breakfast.

peter: er i'm sorry this was the dorm assigned to me...

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remus: Hogwarts Library is headed by the most diabolical, ruthless bureaucrat I’ve ever seen. She's like a death eater but instead of avada kedavra and crucio she uses shame and shhhing.

james: she wouldn't let him into the restricted section without a note

remus, choking back tears: I AM A PREFECT

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pansy: I have never flown the high road. But I tell other people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.

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hermione: If I had a stripper’s name, it would be Equality. for house elves and all beings.

ron: if i had a stripper's name it would be sugar striped candy pole for my -

harry: hermione, DON'T -

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sir cadogen: You know, in the 1880’s, there were a few years that were pretty rough and tumble here at Hogwarts. This depicts kind of a famous fight between Morpheus Rane, a prefect in Slytherin house, and Wilhemena Batlock, a Hufflepuff seventh year. The original title of this painting was ‘A Lively Fisting.’ But y’know, they had to change it for…obvious reasons.

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bellatrix, in the afterlife: i regret nothing. the end.

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harry: I don’t want to be overdramatic, but today felt like a hundred years in hell and the absolute worst day of my life.

tofty: I'm sorry but you WILL have to repeat your history of magic OWL

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james: Lucky for me, I’ve processed all my feelings. And I’ve gone through the five stages of grief - Denial, anger, picking on Peter, cat adoption, reckless dueling, cat returning to the adoption place, reading all Martin Miggs books in the series (what i was picking on peter for actually), and not giving a flying fuck.

remus: you can't say fuck

james: oh great i'm going to have to start the process all over again.

remus: peter, you'd better run

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dudley: I’m allergic to magic candy. Every time I eat more than 80 sweeties I barf.

fred: how about...81

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sirius: I’ll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please.

remus: this is why we can't date in public

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neville: I’m gonna get drunk and then I’m gonna order a three course meal where each course is made of dessert.

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arthur: I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight, and I’ve already broken that promise five times. But I will not break it a sixth.

bill: dad maybe you shouldn't give a toast while fleur's family is still here

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gilderoy: I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.

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pansy: Use him. Abuse him. Lose him. That’s the Parkinson motto.

draco: I thought the Parkinson motto is don't look at me you whore.

pansy: the motto is really more like a chapter book.

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harry: You’re ridiculous and pureblood rights is nothing.

voldemort: wow

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tonks: I would like a glass of red wine and I’ll take the cheapest one you have because I can’t tell the difference.

sirius: cheers i'll drink to that

remus: put. the bowl. down.

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eh, and just one for the road: “I wonder who else was born in Eagleton. Voldemort, probably.” – Leslie Knope

#parks and rec #hp memes #incorrect harry potter

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