made a joke about being trans to my younger step sister who kept referring to me solely as her sister. the joke was an attempt to remind her that i'm pangender, being told i was her sister or "the closest thing" she had to one, it was pretty uncomfortable. it makes me antsy to be seen as so feminine without anything else mixed in. i just don't like it.

course she already has a complex relationship with having a sister as one of her brothers is trans, and it came up in conversation that she didn't really have any, idk, feminine peers in her household before? and she listed her older brother, and the youngest and made no mention of her previously mentioned trans middle brother, so i tried to remind her "hey i'm trans too, i'm 99% sure i actually won't be able to relate to you as fellow females or whatever the fuck your trying to imply here" without, yknow, saying that since she is quite a bit younger than me, but old enough (12) that she should have gotten my incredibly heavy handed hint about how she didn't mention middle brother in her list

i know she's just wee but she frustrates me so much, she desperately wants me to fill this mythical role of older sister that i am just not capable of for a variety of reasons nor would i feel comfortable doing so for a whole host of other ones both of which meet in the middle saying in big bold text "i'm fucking trans"

one of the reasons this makes me so uncomfortable is that she is clearly trying to fill the 'gap' her middle brother left when he transitioned and her 'fix' for this is boxing me into feminine ideals and using me to feel like a big mature girl who talks to her 'older sister' to solve problems, and she heavily implied she lacked the ability to relate to her brothers due to differences in puberty which is just. no. i would not feel comfortable discussing my experiences actually, and i don't like how she feels this kinship with me and entitlement to my experiences purely because of my biological sex

i feel way more comfortable in the middle ground as sibling rather than sister, or even brother, both gendered terms feel too far if i'm honest, which is peculiar for the masculine one, i can be iffy about feminine terms but pretty comfortable using most masculine ones

she treats me like i'm the key to some sort of milestone, i try to talk to her about things other than the fact that we happen to share a biological sex but she generally manages to bring it back to "were both girls" and, i mean, she barely even tries to get to know me. i think she prefers to version of me in her head since the real me snaps at her in the kitchen when she keeps looking at me, the real me doesn't have time to talk to any of them since i'm busy with other things and she seems to take it personally, the real me sometimes doesn't really want to be their older step sibling. the one question she has asked me, twice btw, unrelated to my "being a girl" is "what's your favourite colour" which is not a crap question because it can lead to an interesting talk. except. well, except for it can't lead to anything of substance when she gets insulted when i say "i don't have one, i like seeing how beautiful any colour can look when they are treated right and put in the right hands" it doesn't lead anywhere when i get steam rolled over and ignored only for her to jubilantly claim "pink is my favourite colour" and then stop talking and look at me as if i fucked this conversation

and i know, i fucking know she's 12 i'm the one who should be making sure our interactions run smoothly but i can barely carry a conversation with anyone never mind a 12 year old who is only interested in one aspect of myself which makes me really uncomfortable sometimes, especially when it's highlighted in such a way and constantly referenced

like fucking hell i'm fine looking as femme as i do, i know my body will always tip people off and i am completely fine with that! i like my body! no dysphoria there! (unless in some clothes) but interacting with her makes me wish i didn't look like this cause maybe if i was less like this and more obviously some flavour of trans she would be less hooked on 'getting to know me' without prompting a single worthwhile conversation about either of us

and i know, its a complicated situation, its fucking difficult to get to know people in a new family unit like this but i fucking try, i try and socialise with the kids when i'm able to using card games since i don't have to talk about anything serious then, its not the best but i am fucking trying to bond with them but the age gap is too fucking difficult at times, i mean for christs sake i'm friends with my step mum! i can bloody do it just not with them its too much

especially when one of them is incredibly desperate to bond but so incredibly shit at showing it

i'm going to have to have a conversation with my dad about how she treats my gender, which might be difficult since he and my step mum are weak for me bonding with the kids as they know how difficult i find it, specially how overwhelming it is to have your opinion valued far far too much (only thing its good for is being strict in card games, if they get too loud (ow) then i just raise my voice a bit and they settle pretty quick), so telling him might be a bit upsetting for both of us cause i hate to disappoint him...