#i'm peeling apart memory wisps and looking at them close while they fade away | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sleepy-sunlight · 6 years

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Can you do anything angsty? I'm in one of those moods :p

Ayeee I got you!! I’ve actually had a lot of angsty ideas brewing lately so it’s awesome to be able to get them out!!

Anyhow, thank you and have a fantastic day!! Enjoy!! °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

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Cullen woke with a yawn, weary eyes opening to see you cradled in his arms, your breathing light and steady, hands clasped loosely around his shirt as if they were hardly there at all.

“Good morning,” He hummed, his voice groggy and low despite the smile clear upon him.

You crinkled your nose as you woke, grinning softly. “Good morning. How did you sleep?”

“Well enough, I wouldn’t mind sneaking in a bit longer though.”

You fought back a snicker, glancing up at him with a sort of softness in your expression he couldn’t help but adore.

“You would like that wouldn’t you?”

“I would, quite a bit actually,” He purred, leaning down to press a tender kiss to your lips, barely passing a second before you let out a few, sleepy giggles as his stubble scratched you.

“Come on, we ought to get up,” You mumbled, prying yourself away from his hold to begin getting ready, your fingertips weaving through the curls and tangles in your hair.

He stared curiously at the empty weight in the bed while you rose to your feet, not even so much as a creak from the elderly floorboards.

It was odd, to say the least.

“Rutherford!” You snatched him from his thoughts, rounding about the pull him up, the old floor beneath him letting out a moan against his weight. “We’ve got plenty of work to do today.”

“… What have you planned in your schedule?” He questioned, beginning to change while you idled by.

“I have several requisitions set up and ready to go and I’m also going to stop by and check on Cole. Then, I think I’ll head out. I think it’s about time.”

“Don’t strain yourself,” He remarked, listening to the clanking as his armor shifted into place. “I’d hate to see you hurt yourself again out there. How you healed so quickly is beyond me.”

You paused, parting your lips to speak, but unable to come up with anything to tell in return.

You had returned from Emprise Du Lion the day before, battered and bloodied like he’d never seen, your bare skin peeled and torn as if no more fragile than a parchment.

You were barely even awake, unable to speak more than a few words to him while he held you close to him, healers scrambling desperately to save what was left of your mangled wounds.

He couldn’t even describe the horror that had pulsed through him when your lids fluttered shut, the hand that had wrapped around his to comfort your fretting commander suddenly limp.

And if there had ever been a day Cullen cried, it was then.

It was quiet and guarded, his head ducked into the crook of your neck, tears smothering against your clothes while he murmured prayers to whoever bothered to listen – Maker or otherwise.

He had never left your side.

But he couldn’t remember when you woke up.

“Darling?”

He threw up himself from those horrid memories, the ivied tangles of fear that began to consume him once again withering away at the sight of you.

“Yes?”

“I love you.” You cooed, weaving your fingertips through his hair once you came back to him. “I love you so much.”

He felt himself melt at the very touch, reaching out to hold your face in his palm, his thumbs drawing gently along your cheeks. “I love you too. So please, take care of yourself.”

You answered this time, albeit hesitantly.

“… Only if you do too.”

You stepped back, giving him a final goodbye before you slid down the ladder, already gone to your activities by the time he followed.

And the day seemed to pass as it should.

Until a visitor arrived.

Cullen watched the boy slip inside, wisps of blonde curling about him.

“Hello Cole,” He greeted lightly, glancing up from his papers while he sat edged closer, peering over the inked letters.

“Hello,” He replied, arms folded behind his back. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been… fine.”

“You’re… happy, warm like sundrops. You’re so different from before. Why?” He whispered, whether to himself or Cullen he couldn’t tell. “You’re blocking something out… you’re… forcing yourself to forget.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“The Inquisitor-”

“They told me they were going to speak with you this morning. If you’re looking for them just wait where you usually are-”

“They spoke to you?”

“O-Of course.” Cullen scoffed, shifting away from his work to stare at the boy. “Why wouldn’t they?”

“They’re… not here anymore.”

“Did they leave already?” He frowned, folding his lips. “I thought they would’ve at least called for a meeting at the war table.”

“That’s why… you’re not letting yourself remember. Or… they’re not – they didn’t want you to.” Cole’s gaze widened. “You hurt so much when you did. A broken and shattered heart… like glass, left with nothing. Void.”

“What in Andraste’s name are you-”

“They wanted one more night. Before you had to wake up… and remember.”

“Remember what?” Cullen fought to hide the frustration in his tone, clenching his grasp into fists.

“That… that they’re dead. The Inquisitor died yesterday.”

Cullen froze.

It was as though a disgusting, frigid cold came over him, electrifying his entire body in a horrid, nightmarish shock.

And it clicked.

But he couldn’t bring himself to admit it.

“But… but they were just with me. Surely they’re still writing letters or something of the sort! I was with them no more than a few hours ago!”

“Sometimes spirits may-”

“No! Don’t start with that kind of babble of yours!” He snapped, the rage seeping through him like poison. “I won’t have any of it! Not when you’re spreading lies that they’re… they’re-”

“It’s not your fault.”

Cullen gawked at Cole, wanting to rebuke every single thing he said, but he couldn’t.

All he could do was remember.

You had never awoken.

You passed from the loss of blood, in his arms, Cullen never having once let go of you in that time, too afraid that you might fade away to nothing.

“Please…” He had whispered, barely raising his head to look back at you, even if all that remained in those eyes of yours was a milky white. “Please come back. Everyone needs you – I need you. I need you to come back, dear… please.”

You gave nothing.

Not that you could.

Yet Cullen had continued to plead to you, squeezing your palm and keeping you ever so close.

But his prayers had fallen upon deaf ears.

It had all fallen apart.

From his heart to his world, it all shattered into meager pieces to merely crumble and rot at his feet.

And just like then, Cullen fell to his knees, unable to even hold himself up as the shock rippled through him just as agonizing as it was before.

“Sometimes spirits will remain. To… to give their goodbyes,” Cole conceded. “I think that’s what they wanted. To say goodbye to you.”

He didn’t feel comforted – if anything all it did was pierce him further.

Because no matter how selfish it sounded, he wasn’t ready.

He never would be.

Because he never wanted to say goodbye in the first place.

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