#i’m tired of feeling rejected and unhappy and unsatisfied | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

evien-stark · 4 years

Text

✧I Need You✧ Chapter 165

Talos-Fury went ahead of the both of you into the house. Lunch was probably being served. But before you could take a step inside, standing on the porch, listening to the murmurs of a group falling apart slowly without realizing it, Tony put his arm up. In front of the door, blocking you. He half turned so that he could put a fuller gaze on you. Scrutinizing to some degree. “You okay?”

For one reason or another it always felt surprising when he asked this. The moments that he picked to do it. Always the ones where you weren’t. But more importantly, the ones where you didn’t realize that you weren’t- until he asked. “Why do you ask?”

You hadn’t meant this as something snarky. There were a million reasons to not be okay right now. The idea of a family, of a life with Tony, was waning in and out of existence constantly. Rushing by you every second. There and then not. Changing every moment. There was Ultron. Hiding somewhere out there. Planning something huge and devastating. The way he felt about Tony. The way he felt about you and whatever that was going to mean for the end of it all.

And now. Now there were aliens walking around disguised as high ranking officials. Fury said they worked for him- at least Talos did. But was every member of this so-called race of Skrulls good? It was too broad a net to cast. Too optimistic. Not every human on earth was good either.

But when Tony’s arm drifted down from the doorway, his fingers brushing over the back of your hand before taking hold- you realized you were shaking. His eyes dropped to his fingers twining with yours and then lifted again just as his hand gave you a squeeze. His voice raised just slightly to get in past the living room into the kitchen where everyone had gathered. “Anyone mind if we skip the team luncheon?”

All the voices in the back of the house died immediately. A dozen different feelings bombarded you, and you quickly put a wall up to reject them all. There was no room inside of you right now for anyone else. It was Fury’s voice that cut to the chase. “Don’t go far.” Talos seemed to be blending in just fine.

“Just far enough.” Tony said this in a sigh, more to you than any of them. He then pulled you away from the house, down onto the path of the driveway, and waited still until you were outside the perimeter, walking the fenceline of the property to start talking. “You seemed pretty unphased and ready to ignore this. What changed between the barn and the deck?”

“We can’t ignore this.” No matter how much you wanted to. No matter how much you’d like to say that was possible. “I don’t even know what this is. What Fury’s gotten himself into. But I know it’s not good.”

“When did we switch sides?” Moments ago Tony had been on the edge anxiety when you’d pitched the idea to him.

“You can’t ignore this.” So of course now you didn’t believe that he was on the opposite end.

His mouth twitched, something you caught out of your peripheral. “Until we figure out Ultron, it needs to go on the backburner.”

Blindly you found yourself nodding. “Sure. I agree. And then after that?”

Something awful twisted deep inside him. He stopped moving, turning to put his hands on one of the wooden posts of the fence, leaning in. His head dropped. And as he gripped, his knuckles turned a little white. He was holding in so much. “I’m starting to get it now.” There was a certain air of defeat in his tone.

Finally it clicked. After that. Ask me after. There was no after. Something you must have tried to impart to him countless times in your own haze of pessimism. There was no after. There was only this. A puzzle piece slid into place. Tony had not been in the best condition earlier that morning in the bathroom while you’d cleaned him up, but nowhere near close to breaking like he was now.

“What were you arguing with Steve about in the yard?” It must have had something to do with this.

And when his head turned up your way, gaze open and bare, you almost wished you hadn’t asked. “He’s looking for something else to fight while we don’t have a play for Ultron. Pretty typical for him.” The resentment here wasn’t the usual shadow. He was actually angry with Steve. For what reason? There was no point in chastising him over the insult. Instead you waited for him to finish. Eventually his head dropped again, casting his eyes far out across the field. “Steve’s upset. More than just the secret keeping. It’s about where it would have led.”

It sounded like Steve was picking on Tony while he had him within arm’s reach. Before, back in the lab, he’d been ready to give it to all three of you. Everyone that was even remotely responsible for all this. While you didn’t like bathing in his constant disappointment, there was little you could do. But this was something else. Where it would have led? “He’s upset about- ...about what exactly? That we wanted a defense protocol?” Tony gave a rather useless shrug to this and you felt yourself toeing the line of being just as angry as the rest of the men stomping around this farm. “Maybe we should blow Talos’ cover then.”

Tony’s head whipped up your way, and perhaps he realized just what sort of monster he’d provoked.

But it was too little too late to stop it, as the frenzy wound you tight. “Maybe I should pull all of our reports on every single incident that’s happened since New York. I’ll sit their asses down in a conference room and put on a four hour long presentation about loss of life. About how much money we spend to make it right. How many hospitals we’ve bought out- how many funerals we’ve paid for. And you can bookend it with all your research about what’s out there. How much we don’t know-”

Very suddenly he’d stood up from his leaned over position, hands going to your arms, holding you tight. “Honey- slow down-” His nervousness didn’t serve to temper you.

“No- Tony- this isn’t fair!” You were almost pleading with him. Completely childish as you did so, too. If you’d stomped your feet it would be a perfect picture. “They have no idea-”

“They don’t.” He said this very firmly, trying to ease you off that, perhaps justified, righteous and indignant high. “You put in work on the frontend for them, and I’m toiling away on the backend. And at every turn, not one of them seems to care unless it directly affects them. Is that what you want to hear? I don’t disagree with you.”

This tore the wind from your sails and you deflated almost immediately. There was no point yelling at him. He was on the same team. ...but- even thinking that, wouldn’t that make Fury right? Did you and Tony improperly see yourselves as a duo against the world? Against your own team, even?

“I don’t want to do this forever.” You’d said this to him. A long time ago. You were sure he’d never stopped thinking about it. Ultron may have been proof of that. “But what choice do we have?” You felt so helpless. To them. To everything. To all of it.

“So we’re being held hostage by the universe at large, is that what you’re saying?”

With a little flippant wave of your arm, you gestured back towards the house. “There’s an alien in the kitchen right now. We don’t even know why.”

His eyes lowered, and a frown finally appeared. “Yeah. And aliens came to New York. And we’re still cleaning up after it.” He didn’t want to agree with you. He’d been trying to find every opportunity not to. Even if he’d had to create one himself.

“You said Ultron was our chance at not doing this anymore. And even he wants nothing to do with earth.” There was a pang of hurt that bled from Tony’s heart to yours, and you only then realized what you’d done. Blaming him for this mess much like everyone else, while also blaming him for not being able to fix the mess that had become your lives- at least that’s how he was taking it. You made every effort to be gentle then, reaching up to hold the side of his face in the palm of your hand. His own reached up to almost desperately latch on to your wrist. “I think the problem is us, Tony.”

His brows knit, head tipping to the side. “How do you figure?”

“We could walk away right now. Right now.” It would be so easy. Take the suits. Go anywhere in the world. Disappear. Nat and Bruce had been talking about it, and you and Tony had far more means. “But we both know we’d be looking back. We’d be unhappy and unsatisfied. Knowing that we could do something.”

“Because we’re the only ones that can clean up messes?” He was riding a very thin line between sardonic and understanding.

“So what is it we have to do to make that not true anymore?” As you asked this of him, you watched as the wheels started spinning in his brain. The two of you weren’t the only ones capable of fixing things. But the two of you were- again- the one with the most means. “Ultron is a bust. It’s not your fault.” Saying that quickly, trying to make sure he understood that you meant that. “But if we wanna step back, we need…” Something caught in the back of your throat.

It felt terrible, what you were trying to say. What you were getting at. Tony finished the thought for you. “We need a better team.”

That was it. That was also very unfortunately a tough thing to work through.

“Bruce is only part of this when he’s forced to be. Clint is about to have a third child and his wife wants him home. Thor comes and goes as he pleases. You and I are tired. Natasha- ...I feel awful for eavesdropping, but she was seconds away from trying to convince Bruce to pack a bag and go.”

Tony felt awful then too, the second what you were saying registered. “What?”

“I overheard them.” Glowering as you admitted this.

“They know?”

You shook your head. “No.”

He heaved a very big sigh. “I had no idea they’d gotten that serious. Good for him.” Turning away again, as you let your hand drop away from him, he moved to lean against the fence again. “But- that should make it easier. Look. If other people want out, we’re not bad for trying to get on the same ticket.”

Moving to lean aside him, your head dropped. “The team is falling apart. Steve seems like he’s the only one ready to be here forever.”

“Well that’s his problem.” This ejected so darkly out of Tony it nearly spooked you. When he caught the way you were looking at him he tried to amend, “He had the audacity to lecture me about getting a leg up on war. But he’s never not on an army clock.” The way he was looking at you… for approval.

He wanted you to agree.

This little chat had so quickly turned into the two of you skirting the line of talking shit about your teammates. You weren’t sure you liked it. “I think… Steve is happiest when he has something to do. And fighting the good fight is kind of all he knows.” You’d tried to tell him to live an actual life. Tried to encourage him dating. Expanding on anything else that wasn’t- ...well, as Tony had put it, being on an army clock.

Tony scoffed rather loudly, dropping his head again. “Tell me about it.” He turned his hand inward, pointing at his chest, “Yet I get read the riot act about Ultron and trying to pull ahead? He lives for this. If he wasn’t doing this, he’d be sitting in an apartment- alone- waiting for a call.”

Reaching up, you soothed your hand up and down Tony’s back. He was venting. He was angry. Steve had caught him at a bad time when things were too raw. And apparently had had the nerve to continue to blame him for everything. You understood where this was all coming from. He needed to get it all out now, whether he meant it in its entirety or not (and you assumed he didn’t). He needed somewhere safe to express this.

It was in good hands with you.

A long moment of silence passed and his stewing petered out. It was when you found the courage to push the next step. “So what you’re saying is, once we’re finished here, we’re going to hand everything over to Steve.”

This hit Tony like a punch to the gut and he pushed back from the fence to level a very confused look your way. “Is that what I’m saying?” Implying pretty easily that you had a hearing problem.

Shifting away to face him fully again, you laid your hands against his chest. Instinctively his own moved to hold you at your waist and the two of you looked at each other. “Steve wants to keep fighting. We’re tired. We want to try and have a life. This is his life. The only problem is we’re going to have to trust him with this part of it.”

In lieu of Ultron, Tony’s dream protection protocol for the entire world, you had to put your full faith in Steve Rogers. Captain America. You had to believe he would do his very best. That he would build an even better team. That he would lead them and see them through anything. That he would take missions and fight the good fight. And win every time. You had to do all of this because if you didn’t…

You and Tony would wind up right back where you’d started. With even less than nothing to show for it.

Tony seemed to be thinking about this. For a very long time. But suddenly a smile with a feeling of defeat backing it cracked out of him, and his eyes closed while he hung his head. “Unbelievable.” Laughing, too, for that matter. “I can’t believe dad built the better project, in the end.”

Unable to help the look of shock on your face, your brows went straight up. ...well… it was kind of true wasn’t it? Tony had built Ultron to protect the world. Howard had perfected the Super Serum with the same idea in mind.

Lifting up on your tiptoes, you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him closer. He held you back in a squeeze, resting his head against your shoulder, still chuckling. You tried your best, “Look. As far as that idea goes? He had a hand in building one of the only things I care about.”

“Alright- let’s not get weird about it-” Still half-laughing.

You pressed your cheek against his, giving him a little nuzzle. “That’s fine. You did all the work after the fact anyway.”

“Like most things.”

“I agree.” When the chuckles died down again and he stood straight again and looked at you, you let him know, “I love you.”

His smile was easy and honest. “I love you.” Leaning down, he pressed a kiss to your forehead, lingering there for a moment and then shifting back again. “...mind if we keep walking?”

Lowering your hand from his chest, you found his again, sliding your fingers alongside his. “Not at all.” You’d walk as long as he wanted to.

---

The sun had just set by the time you and Tony called it quits and returned to the ranch. The soft rain that had started to fall had probably more to do with it though. As usual, the two of you found each other a little too wrapped up in each other’s comforting company to remember to come back to a citation that was anything but. Much as you would have liked to keep walking in circles, there was still work to do. ...and you were getting pretty hungry. Dinner was being set on the dining room table as the two of you entered the house, the smell of food wafting through. Seasoned chicken. Vegetables. The salad you had chopped for Laura earlier- probably went ignored during the lunch you’d skipped out on. The silence in the room was stifling and everyone else pushed food around their plates. Except for you, Tony, and the kids. Laura seemed in an okay mood, but she was forcing it.

Talos-Fury kept taking short little looks at the both of you- ...not just him. Everyone. Everyone was sneaking little looks and glances your way. They were lucky you were too tired. Otherwise you might have said something about it and really started a fight. The one you’d left at the edge of the property with Tony.

While you collected the plates from the table and tried to make a play at washing up, figuring the guests should help out, Talos-Fury nudged you aside. And while you made quite a face at him he just gave you a dead-eyed stare and you gave up fighting with him over dishes and instead went the next room over to Tony. He’d picked up some darts and was mindlessly throwing them. Mind still going, you knew. “Mind if I play?”

His grin was tired as he held out his palm. “Only if we’re playing 501.”

“I don’t feel like doing that much math right now.”

“I’ll do it for you.”

“Ever the gentleman.”

To no one’s surprise, he was better at the game. Both aiming and the math. And while you were just spritely enough to challenge him to a second round after you’d lost, Fury’s voice took control over the entire house. “So. Are we gonna talk about the elephant in the room?” A clatter of a plate hitting the dish rack was the only thing between his first sentence and the next, not really giving anyone time to speak. “Playing at family is nice, but Ultron’s still out there. You let him kick your asses once, what’s gonna stop him the next time?”

Natasha took a sip of her beer. “Did you come here just to yell at us? I’ll be honest. I missed this.”

“I didn’t.” Your voice flat as you leaned out the entryway, crossing your arms. Tony was very close behind you.

Fury looked over at you from his spot at the sink and then pushed away to start pacing the room. “My contacts all say he’s building something. And with the amount of Vibranium he made off with, I don’t think it’s just one thing.”

At least for this one Steve seemed a little more on your side, a small batch of annoyance flickering off him. “What else do your contacts say? You got a location yet?”

With a sway of his hands, Fury scoffed. “Ultron’s easy enough to track. ‘Cuz he’s everywhere. Guy’s multiplying faster than a Catholic rabbit. Still doesn’t help us get an angle on any of his plans though.”

So. As usual, somehow, Fury seemed to have more information than anyone else doing the rest of the work. What a shocker. Where he was getting that info? ...it could only be from one source. Which meant Maria was going behind your back. And probably had been. For a long time. Tony stopped your stewing when he asked, “He still going after launch codes?”

Fury braced the back of the kitchen counter in a little lean, looking over again. “Yes, he is, but he’s not making any headway.”

Tony made a little noise in the back of his throat. Something haughty. “I cracked the Pentagon’s firewall in high school on a dare.” Now was not the time to let his ego get to you. ...later. Reaching back you gave him a soft pat to the side. “So we should count our blessings he didn’t inherit all your smarts.” Because you highly doubted the Pentagon was any more secure since then.

Fury started pacing slowly. “I contacted our friends at the NEXUS about it.”

Steve looked up. “NEXUS?”

Bruce made a vague gesture from his spot standing in the opposite corner. “It’s the world internet hub in Oslo. Every byte of data flows through there. Fastest access on earth.”

Intense interest was flaring up from Tony behind you, but it was Clint followed up. “Yeah? And what’d they say?”

Finally stopping his pacing, Fury came back over to the small island counter, leaning in over it. “Ultron’s fixated on the missiles. But the codes are being constantly changed.”

Tony took a little bit more residence beside you, fixing a stare Fury’s way. “By whom?”

Fury gave him a flat stare. “Parties unknown.”

Nat sighed. “So we have an ally?”

Shaking his head, Fury scoffed again. “Ultron’s got an enemy. That’s not the same thing. Still… I’d pay folding money to know who it is.”

So. Ultron was still trying to get a hold of nuke codes every second of the day- but someone was stopping him. It would be good to know who it was. Aside all that, nukes were a little obvious. Ultron really intended on obliterating the entire earth- not something entirely surprising, after the little chat you’d had. But-

A little startle went through you as Tony put his hand on your shoulder. “Seems like we might need to visit Oslo. To find our unknown.” He was thinking the same thing. Maybe Fury had a point. Maybe they weren’t exactly on your side either- whoever it was. Because wouldn’t they announce themselves to you? But having a common enemy was good. Especially for someone as talented as that.

Hanging her head back, a little bit of tired disappointment wafted off Nat. “Well, this is good times, boss, but I was kind of hoping when I saw you, you’d have more than this.”

A lead was a lead but maybe she had a point. Fury had come here just to say this? It could have come over a phone call. He was checking in. Why? Although maybe you already knew. This was some sort of test run. Fury had directed Talos to make contact here. With pithy information. Maybe just to see if he could handle this facet of fakery before moving on to somewhere else.

That was trouble. But you were already dealing with far too much. Better not to dwell on it.

Fury swept his hand out across the room. “I have you. Back in the day, I had eyes everywhere. Ears everywhere. Here we all are, back on earth, with nothing but our wit and our will to save the world.”

Tony was the one that decided he was going to poke at that bear. “I’m sorry, have we been anywhere else?”

Yes. Yes this did remind you immensely of your first experience with cover agents.

Fortunately for Talos, and Fury, no one else seemed to get the joke. Fury just made a quick face and then ignored Tony outright. “We can stand here talking all night. It won’t change anything. You need to take a stand. Outwit the platinum bastard.”

Natasha suddenly grinned. “Steve doesn’t like that kind of talk.”

It was probably a poor time for it, but you found yourself smiling, too. Steve seemed just as amused at the tease, thankfully. “You know what, Romanoff?”

Fury stopped playtime. “What does Ultron want?”

“I talked to him. Briefly.” Finally deciding to give up this information. All eyes suddenly went your way and it felt like a hot spotlight opened up above you. Tony’s thumb swooped over the line of your shoulder as he still held you, steadying you. “He doesn’t see a point to anyone currently on the planet. He thinks everyone is violent. Not worth protecting. He wants to start over.”

Steve’s head dropped in thought. “So he thinks he’s better than us. Or he wants to be better.”

Tony started thinking out loud. “But then why keep building human bodies? He put himself together in the machining port. He built a new body after that. Person bodies. If the human form is so inefficient, biologically speaking- we’re outmoded, yet he keeps coming back to it.”

Nat snorted. “You know. If you three programmed him to protect the human race, you amazingly failed.”

A sudden spark hit Bruce and he came closer to the table. “They don’t need to be protected- didn’t you hear her? He’s beyond that-” He looked up at you suddenly. “They need to evolve. Ultron’s going to evolve.”

Fury was about as confused as you were. “How?”

But there they were again, playing off each other. Tony stepped aside you, asking this towards Bruce but of the entire room- “Has anyone been in contact with Helen Cho lately?”

Then it hit you. “She said what she was working on- ...it would make your suits obsolete.” And Tony, in his optimistic wisdom had basically told her- I hope it will.

Tony puffed out a bitter huff of amusement, shaking his head. “He’s hoping to prove me right.”

This was a problem. Because usually, Tony was right about everything. At least according to himself.

#Tony Stark #Tony Stark x Reader #INY Chapter One Hundred Sixty Five

3 notes · View notes

booksbroadwaybbc · 6 years

Text

[long read] I know I need some change in my life but I don't know how to achieve it (or where to start) via /r/selfimprovement

[long read] I know I need some change in my life but I don't know how to achieve it (or where to start)

Hey /r/selfimprovement. I've been running the same paradox through my mind time and time again and am finally at the point where I feel like I may need some outside advice. I'm a 27M (Indian, 5'5, born and raised in the US) who is unhappy with a couple huge aspects of his life, but can't realize what it's going to take to bring him to where he wants to be (much of this having to do with factors he feels are out of his control).

Firstly, I am unhappy with my love life. It seems like all of my friends are in long-standing relationships, married, or at the very least able to find dates frequently. Since I am out of college and single, I've pretty much resigned myself to having to use dating sites/apps like Tinder and OkCupid in order to find dates. I've tried messing around with different types of pictures (no selfies, out doing interesting things, can clearly see my face, etc...all the "do's you basically read about as far as choosing dating site photos goes) and including witty blurbs/detailed bios in my various profiles. I even send detailed messages to women, usually picking up on something in her bio or photos (not just a "hey sexy" or some other fuckboy shit). Now, I realize that I am not entitled to get any interest or responses from anybody...but boy is it exhausting/disheartening to be ignored and passed over just about every single time I try to break out of my comfort zone and actually message someone with something well thought-out. This in turn has put me in a vicious cycle of deleting and reactivating all of my profiles because I eventually get so fed up with all the rejection and need to distance myself from it for a while, only to return when I feel like I'm in a better standing (I never actually am, and so the cycle continues). Because of all this, I am not meeting very many women and it's causing me to become far too attached to anyone who actually does give me the time of day. In the past these feelings have manifested in me acting out in clingy/jealous ways and have ruined friendships. I look back at these times and tell myself that I would never act out in that way again, but the needy/jealous feelings that went along with it still exist inside my mind and I hate it. I don't think this "oneitis" would be an issue if I had a lot of female interest, but I don't.

Secondly, I feel like my job is very unsatisfying. I graduated college back in 2013 with a BS in electrical engineering and started working for a defense contracting firm shortly afterwards (which is where I still am to this very day) doing software development related tasks. At first I was doing some pretty interesting things at my job but as the years went on, most of that meaningful work has dried up. As of late, I spend a lot of time waiting for work to do without anything else to keep myself occupied (I'm too paranoid of managers walking near my desk and assuming I'm "slacking off" if I use my phone/am on some website unrelated to my job), which often leaves me in a bit of a braindead state by the time I go home for the day. This in turn leads me to be far too tired and unmotivated to learn new things in my free time after work that could help me land a different job (I hardly have the time on most nights anyways because I like to go to the gym).

Finally (and this ties into my second point), I don't feel passionate enough about things to wanna pursue learning about them/practicing them for very long. The initial interest comes on strong, but once I get to a point where the level of difficulty increases, I tend to bail out and go do something entertaining like watch Netflix or play video games instead (or on the worst nights, aimlessly scroll through social media sites to see what other people are doing). This never ends up giving me a sense of satisfaction, but I can't seem to break the habit and just trust that I will become better at something if I keep at it.

Anyways, all of these issues have been compounding on me for a long time and leaving me feeling very depressed, lonely, and unfulfilled. It seems like the longer I wait without having a path laid out for me, the further I'm gonna sink into this hole. I'm not expecting anyone to give me a magical answer that will fix all my problems, but I could definitely use all the advice I can get so I can pull myself out of this rut.

Thanks for reading, and I apologize if it seems like I'm just rambling at parts (I'm not the most eloquent person when it comes to organizing my thoughts lol).

Submitted April 24, 2018 at 01:42AM by losing_streak_ via reddit https://ift.tt/2HqVrZZ

#IFTTT #reddit

0 notes

ynigxer · 7 years

Text

2017 reflection

GOAL: - Understanding - Forgiving - Trying to meet his expectations but I will let nature to take its course. Over the past few months, I tried to be as forgiving as I can because arguments only bring unhappiness so instead of being mad for like a few days I tried to forgive and let it end within a day. Even though after he explained to me his reasons and I may seem like ignoring, i actually took his reason into account and try to understand from his POV which is also why I tried to give in and not let it be sth that will stir up into a big matter. However, I guess he didn't realize this part of me that I changed. Every change that I did was for my own good and also for us. It changed me into someone who is more forgiving compared to my old self. I also started to give more chances for people who are willing to change. For a person to change it doesn't take a snap to change but a period of time to accept and adapt. We can't rush things and had to take things slowly. In the current relationship that I'm in, I gave him many chances because I was waiting ... waiting for that day to come. Along the way there will be some unsatisfactions I had of him as a guy and I will tend to say things harshly straight to his face. It is a very bad habit of mine and I hope he will forgive me for that. At that moment I was boiling becuz I was so tired from sch, not having enough sleep and having little fever which turned my mood down. It was during my assessment period that I wished he could support me to give me his back to lean on it, sadly I couldn't. I had to support myself because no one will help me. I learned that I can't rely on him completely even when I am at my lowest and toughest time because I just had to be independent. I wished I am an independent woman because I don't have to beg from others and to be able to stand for myself. So independent was sth I want to change myself into, not easy but I am willing to. Times when I missed him, I would ask him if he wants to come to my house to have a dinner? Never had the thought of asking him to stay over because i know he rather stay at home to sleep. However, he misread what I just said. He thought I had the intention of asking him to sleep over and so he rejected. Before I even got to know that he misunderstood me, I got a little pissed because we didn't meet for the past few days and I just want to have our own time. Is that too much to ask? I tried to calm down and asked why he rejected and all, and I found out that he actually misunderstood everything. I was so thankful that I calmed down and did not make a big fuss because I am kinda angsty haha. Somehow because of him, I became less angsty, more forgiving and understanding over the time. When he asked me to do certain things that a girlfriend would usually provide, I was actually against it. Is probably just my personality that I do not want to open so much. However, overtime ... looking at how much he has done for me, I opened up slowly, and accepted it.. trying to adapt to new changes. It will definitely take me quite long cause is not something I would be comfortable from the start. Attending his graduation day was something I have been thinking about whether to attend. Knowing that it is a significant day for him and that he hopes his partner could celebrate it with him but I had my insecurities.... which is why I had the thought of bringing a friend along and she actually agreed to it. However, he said that there were no more tickets available so I thought I couldn't turn up for his graduation and not being able to take a photo with him. Little did I know the ticket was just an admission to be able to witness the prize giving ceremony, so I am actually allowed to enter the sch and wait for him outside to have phototaking. The thoughts of going there alone is like so scary because I don't know anyone there and it would be socially awkward for me. I convinced myself that it is an important day and I have to and I should turn up. I woke up very early on that day so that I will be punctual and not be late. Well he knows that I am usually late so when he texted me where am I, I didn't want to reply cause I just want to give a surprise that I am early 😅. At the end of the day I turned up and I am glad that I actually stepped out of my comfort zone and it was the first step I have taken. I have a lot of insecurities and low self esteem about myself is just that no one knows about it. Graduation day was an important day to him and I felt that it is an important day for me too. I was actually happy seeing him wearing that graduation gown (can’t remember what is it called haha) and being able to attend that significant day of his. I planned the afternoon for him so that we can have that alone time appreciating the artworks and also amused by those installation works. However, there were some changes made to the plans, I was a little unsatisfied but that does not bother me much as I told myself that is alright to have changes made because at the end of the day he is the person I want to make happy. If he is happy so am I so what for getting angry with that little changes. We discussed and changed the plan and I was actually fine with it because it is the company that matters not the plan.

The break up he asked for was so sudden for me cause I just attended his graduation day and it was only 2 days ago that we went out tgt and everything seems fine. Too sudden for me to accept the fact and hurts me very deep. Hmmm, my expectations of him and the harshed words I have said to him has to led to this downfall... He started to lose feelings for me, and felt that I have never changed for him. Saddening to hear because I only just started changing and I am still adapting to it. Before I can even get comfortable with it, he suggested to break up. How hurtful can that be? After what I have been trying to work on... I thought he was a guy who is different from others... that would cherish what I have given because I am not like any other girls who would just give without any reason or just simply one word, "love". He doesn't know that every action means sth. He doesn't know the reason behind it. It wasn't meant to be explained through words to tell him how grateful I am to have him and appreciating those small gestures. I believed that actions only speak louder than words. I am the type who does it with actions not with words. I didn't want to explain why I am doing this for him because I just want him to understand that, I cherished him a lot and every little thing that he did, I felt it and is something I am willing to change for him. I can't believe that there would be this day... that I have to pour out all my feelings for him to understand my intentions. All I can say is if this is a break up that ends everything, I regretted so much for giving in multiple times because I thought he was different, someone who would wait for me. I have let down myself to lower down my dignity for him and to let him tramples over me. He may think is nothing cause every girl can do it then why can't I . If he actually knows my value he wouldn't have dump me like how he did to any other girls, even after sacrificing it for him.

0 notes