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myaekingheart · 5 years

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38. Hanakotoba

read the scarecrow and the bell on ao3

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A strong afternoon sunlight poured into Rei’s tiny apartment and the plants on the windowsill soaked up every ounce of it. Smiling softly, she approached them with a little spray bottle of water and checked the moisture in the soil. Pasted to toothpicks stuck in each was a little card displaying a name. She ran her fingers across their supple leaves and felt the existence of everyone she ever cared about coursing through her.

Kakashi should be back soon, she thought to herself. He had been so busy lately, constantly rushing off with his little team of genin to fulfill missions. It was kind of heartwarming seeing him like this, even if it was technically glorified babysitting. But perhaps these children were doing what she never could. Perhaps they were truly the key to thawing Kakashi’s dark, cold heart.

The downside to the arrangement, however, was the danger. Logically, she understood that every ANBU mission was S-class but at least there, everyone could take care of themselves. Work together, but don’t think twice about leaving behind someone who can’t keep up. As a jonin leader, however, Kakashi was responsible not only for himself for his team of inexperienced little genin, as well. Anything could happen, and with how frequently they had been given assignments, her greatest fear was that one day he may not return home.

Sighing, Rei scanned the names and corresponding species scribbled onto each card. She had flowers associated with nearly everyone, except Kakashi. The question of forming that kind of bond had tickled the back of her throat for ages, but she never had the guts to actually ask. But things were different now. They no longer saw each other constantly. Clenching her fists at her side, she then made a firm decision. It was time.

Per usual, Kakashi stopped by Rei’s apartment as soon as he returned to the village. Rei swung the door open and tugged him inside quickly. The copy ninja cocked a brow. “Is everything okay?”

Rei nodded definitively. “Everything is fine, but we need to talk about something.” Oh no. An icy feeling slid down Kakashi’s spine.

“Whatever it is I’ve done, I’ll make up for it, I promise” he said quickly. The redhead cocked an eyebrow, then burst out laughing. Kakashi’s eyes widened. “W-what did I do wrong?”

“Nothing!” Rei said through her laughter. “Oh no, Kakashi, you haven’t done anything wrong. I’m sorry if I spooked you and made you think otherwise!” Once she had calmed down, she sucked in a deep breath and then said, “There’s just something I really want us to do. It’s something important to me.”

Taking her hands in his, Rei guided Kakashi toward her windowsill. She smiled down at the plants, gently caressing the petals of a pink carnation. Of course Kakashi had noticed her little indoor garden before, but now there was a heavy sense of meaning hanging over everything that piqued his curiosity. He noticed the names of friends and family etched onto cards in the soil, the way she cared for each plant with a tenderness she did not often display.

“When I was a kid” she then started, “Grandma Teiko taught me something. She told me about this ability we had, that we could tether chakra to an inanimate object and let it sit there inside of the thing so that we could track our way back home on missions. Or…well, in my case, check in on those I care about from afar.” This all sounded vaguely familiar, tucked away in a hazy corner back somewhere deep in Kakashi’s mind. Maybe heh ad heard this all once from Teiko herself, or maybe it was just déjà vu. He already had a basic understanding of the Natsuki clan’s abilities, their bizarre sense of chakra control unrivalled by even the Sarutobi clan, but something like this was new. As such, he still tried to wrap his brain around it. Rei brushed her bangs back out of her face then and added, “I have flowers tethered to everyone’s chakra so far…except yours.”

Kakashi blinked. “So you want me to tether my chakra to one of your plants?”

Rei nodded minutely, unable to look him in the eyes. “I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. It’s kind of stupid, really, I don’t know, I guess I just—”

“Rei” Kakashi interrupted. “It’s fine. I don’t think it’s stupid at all. I’d love to do this for you.”

Turning back to her boyfriend, a small smile tugged on Rei’s lips then before wrapping her arms around him in a warm embrace. She may not have had the mental organization to explain why this was so important, but perhaps Kakashi already knew. After all, that sharingan of his was capable of seeing through people. Perhaps it filled in the blanks of her unspoken words.

There was a certain ritual to all of this and Rei was very stubborn about sticking to it. Kakashi had to admit, her determination and vigor was kind of cute. He followed close behin her as they walked to the edge of the village, listening as she explained the significance of doing things just right. “The first step is finding the right flower. It needs to be representative of who you are, and it needs to be picked. Not bought.”

Kakashi deliberated for a moment. What kind of flower represented him? He had never thought about it before. Not that he spent copious amounts of time thinking about flowers in the first place. “Well, what do you suggest? After all, this is your project and—”

Rei shot him a harsh glare. “This is not my project, it’s our project” she corrected. “I don’t want you thinking this is some one-way street. This is a promise that we will always look out for each other and keep one another in our thoughts even when we’re miles apart. So this is just as much your project as it is mine.”

She was so serious about this, Kakashi couldn’t help but fight a smile. He raised his hands in surrender and apologized, adding, “Well, then I guess I should be looking for a flower for you, too.”

“Wait, what?” Rei paused. She turned slowly back to face him. Of all the times she had done this, no one had ever asked for a flower for her chakra. She wanted to make sure she was hearing him right.

“If this is something meant for both of us” Kakashi started, “Then why shouldn’t I have your chakra tethered to something, too? It would be no good for only you to be able to check on me. After all, like you said, this isn’t a one way street!” He rested a hand on the small of her back and smiled down at her through his mask.

It took Rei a moment to fully grasp what was happening here, but she wasn’t at all against it. If anything, she was truly pleased to see Kakashi becoming so interested in this in the first place. “W-well, okay then. We’ll find a flower for me to tether my chakra to, too” she said.

Rei guided him to a large field on the outskirts of the village overrun with a wide array of colorful flowers. “So” he asked upon their arrival, “What flower do you thin would suit me? What criteria do you use to decide?”

She knelt down to inspect a patch of poppies near the base of a tree. “Have you ever heard of hanakotoba?” she asked. Kakashi paused, and Rei continued before he could answer. “My mother taught me about it” she continued. “It’s the study of flowers and their meanings. Every flower sends a message. If you’ve ever gone to the Yamanaka flower shop, you’ve probably heard them say something about it. I try to take everything into account when doing this sort of thing. Every flower I tether chakra to needs to be significant to the person whose chakra it’s receiving. Plants are living creatures, too, and they can pick up on what a person is like. If someone’s chakra isn’t compatible, the flower won’t take to it. Something like how every plant requires different types of care and all that good shit.”

That seems to make sense, Kakashi thought to himself. It was strange, but it made sense. He watched her rise and wander over to another patch of flowers, then asked, “What made you want to do this, anyway?” He caught her expression change ever so slightly at the inquiry, transitioning into a solemn thoughtfulness that made him all the more curious as to what her answer may be.

“You’ve been gone a lot, Kakashi” she replied quietly. “I know if I say this, I’m going to sound really stupid, so I should just stop now.”

“No” he countered, inching closer. “Keep going. I want to know.”

She sighed, then replied, “I’ve just…I’ve missed you. And sometimes I have this stupid, irrational fear that one day you may leave this village and never come back…except as a sealed corpse or something. I do’t know, I just get so scared that something bad is going to happen to you but…at least this way, I can feel you from miles away and know that no matter where you are, you’re okay.”

Something struck Kakashi in that moment. She was doing all of this because she feared for his safety. The same reason he was so protective of her. He had admittedly always looked down upon her a bit, as if she was a child in desperate need of rescue, but he never truly stopped to think that she may feel the same way for him. A warm light hit his heart in that moment, and a smile touched his lips. He rested a hand on her upper back, kissing her forehead sweetly, and then said with his face close to hers, “I’m sorry I’ve been worrying you all this time.”

Rei shook her head. “It’s just an occupational hazard” she whispered back. “I’m sure I worry you, too.”

“You do” he replied, “But that’s why we’re doing this, isn’t it? So we can worry a little less?”

A soft smile touched Rei’s lips and she gave one, definitive nod. “Exactly.” Then, after a moment, her eyes widened and she added dolefully, “Well shit, now I’ve got to figure out a flower for me, too.” She had never done this sort of thing for herself before, and quite frankly didn’t consider herself the best judge of her own character but she also wasn’t sure she trusted someone else to choose for her. They didn’t have the same knowledge of hanakotoba that she did and as such, were more likely to make a mistake.

Kakashi trudged through the sea of flowers until leaning down to pluck one from the ground. “Well, what about this one?” he asked, holding it up for Rei to see. “What does this one mean?”

In his hand he held a yellow peony just like the one that dangled from the end of the her kanzashi. Her cheeks burned. “Bravery” Rei answered. “Peonies stand for bravery.”

“Well, I think you’re brave” Kakashi replied, “So I choose this one.” She had to admit, she wasn’t sure if his assessment was entirely accurate but she was flattered by the presumption, at least. After a few moments, he waded toward her and asked, “What about you? Did you find one for me yet?”

“I may have” she replied. “Though I think it’s a bit of a stretch.” She motioned for him to follow her to a small patch of colorful flowers beneath a tree, kneeling down and caressing the blue petals of a cornflower. “I think I like this one.”

“Why is that?” he asked, crouching beside her. He tilted his head, genuinely curious.

“They kind of remind me of you” she said. There was a lot to unpack in her reasoning, and she wasn’t sure of how much she wanted to spill. “Or maybe it’s just word association that has me thinking of you, I don’t know” she then said, swatting at the air. “I mean, your name means scarecrow, and scarecrows often guard fields of corn, and this is a cornflower…fuck, that sounds so stupid!”

She was far too afraid to give him any substantial answers. Too afraid to tell him that cornflowers were worn by men in love, and that if the flower faded too quickly it was a sign that the love was not mutual. That the mythological context had cornflowers as a healing flower, especially with issues of the eye reminiscent of Kakashi’s sharingan and it’s origin. No, that was too much. It would prove to him that she truly had thought way too long and hard about all of this. She didn’t want him thinking she had obsessed about this, because she hadn’t. She was just thorough. Right?

Yet again, however, Kakashi could see right through her façade. She really needn’t try to hide anything from him, because he could always sense the truth. And the truth of this was that all the thought she was putting into this was secretly turning him into a puddle of mush. He leaned down and plucked the flower out of the ground before she could deliberate further, replying kindly “Cornflowers should be just fine.”

A distinct sense of happiness began bubbling up inside of Rei as her and Kakashi walked home together, the sun setting in the distance and flowers in hand. There was just something ethereal and perfect about the moment, the simplicity of it all. The symbolism behind why they were doing this in the first place. She almost could’ve cried thinking about it, even though that would most definitely make her a sap. But she was finally getting everything she ever wanted. The weight of that reality hung heavy over her head. She loved Kakashi, and he loved her back. They were finally together after so many years of pining and distance. She was convinced she would never love anyone else like this ever again. No one could take the place of her Kakashi.

As they returned to her apartment that evening, the streetlights flickering outside, she rested her head on his shoulder and whispered to him a soft I love you. And he whispered it right back.

The following day, Rei raced down the street to Kakashi’s apartment hoping to catch him before his next mission. The calm of the previous night had disappeared and was now replaced with an unwavering anxiety. She was running out of time. She caught him leaving the cemetery and rushed forward to grab him firmly.

“Rei, what’s wrong?” he asked, a sense of terror striking him. The unhinged expression on her face, her panting breath, all of it scared him the living hell out of him.

“W-we need to go right now!” she insisted, tugging his hand. “We’re running out of time and I know you’re leaving today and we need to finish what we started because this is too important and it can’t wait but we’re running out of time to--!”

“Rei, is that what all of this is about?” he asked, reaching out to still her. She nodded frantically. “I’m set to leave in an hour. Why can’t we just do this when I get back?”

“No!” she shouted, breaking free of his grip. “No, we have to do this right now! It cannot wait! What if you never come back? I need to know that you’re safe! I need this, Kakashi!”

He was hesitant to speak, and quite frankly terrified. He hadn’t seen her this desperate since they were children, when he told her to give up becoming a ninja and she broke down. The memory of it struck him hard in the chest. He sucked in a deep breath, clenching his fist, and then asked, “So what comes next?”

Apparently, the pot in which the flower was planted was just as important as the flower itself. Rei explained the details as she dragged Kakashi to the Yamanaka flower shop, barely taking a breath between sentences. She burst inside the small store, shocking Mrs. Yamanaka behind the counter, then made a beeline straight for the display of assorted planters. She eyed each of them as if her life depended on this, her face stony with thought.

Clearing his throat, Kakashi asked, “Do you see any that you like?”

“Do you?” she asked, not taking her eyes off the display.

Kakashi perused the next shelf over, considered a small, plain ceramic pot, then tucked it under his arm and replied, “This should do just fine!”

Rei looked back at him unconvinced. “Really? You’re just going to make your decision that easily?” Kakashi shrugged. So long as it did it’s job, it didn’t really matter what it looked like, right? Besides, he thought the ceramic one was at least a nicer option than the standard clay. By the look on his girlfriend’s face, however, he was beginning to wonder if there truly was a distinct science behind this, too.

Shaking her head, Rei walked over and picked out a different ceramic pot, slightly rounder and with flowers painted along the sides. “What about this one?” she asked. “It’s prettier, and should compliment the peony better.”

Kakashi blinked and rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. “Well, if you insist. I just thought the plain one would be nice so it didn’t attract attention away from the flower itself.” Rei then paused at his words, glanced from one flower pot to the other, then grimaced and placed the decorated one back on the shelf grumbling. “Have you found one for yours yet?” Kakashi then asked. Rei turned back to the display, growing rather exasperated, perused her options, then snatched the decorated pot back up and made a snarky face at her boyfriend before walking off to check out.

“So what time do you have to leave again?” she asked, walking alongside Kakashi toward her apartment. They each clutched their respective pots in their arms, careful not to hold hands for fear of running into children who knew nothing of their sensei’s personal life. They would surely come looking for him if he was to run late. Regardless, the restriction made her fingers each even more to intertwine with his, and a pang of pain struck her chest. It was desperately difficult dealing with the sense of separation building between them.

“We’re supposed to leave at noon” Kakashi replied, looking up to the sky to check the placement of the sun. The theoretical hour glass was quickly draining. Kakashi sensed the anxiety building with Rei and smiled down at her reassuringly. “Don’t worry. We still have time to finish this.” She smiled back at him, but it was clearly forced.

Upon returning to her apartment, Kakashi watched as his girlfriend flitted around the room with manic purpose, tugging a little bag of soil out from beneath the bed and setting the flower pots on the floor. She poured the soil into them haphazardly, desperately, spilling dirt all over the floor. Kakashi reached out to steady her, but she kept her eyes transfixed on her work, chewing her lower lip all the while. He stood slowly, then reached up to pull the flowers down from atop her dresser. It was the least he could do, especially considering their height differences.

“It’s important to plant them with care” she instructed, then began planting the cornflower into the decorated pot.

Kakashi took cues from her to be cautious and patient as he worked to plant the peony, and soon both flowers were ready to go. He looked at her expectantly, then asked, “So how do we tether the chakra?”

This was arguably the most important step of all, the whole reason as to why they were doing this in the first place. Everything else simply served as the foundation. Rei nodded once, then placed each pot gently on her desk. She motioned for Kakashi to follow suit, then instructed him through the process. “First, take my hands. Channel all of your chakra to the center, where your stomach is. Breathe, and concentrate. Then, slowly guide your chakra up and into me” she said. Kakashi did as he was told, and while he was of course accustomed to infusing chakra, this was different. There was something strange and almost painful about this. The innate sense of control, the constant tugging in his stomach. It was as if his chakra knew it was going to be locked away someplace for good and was resisting. He pushed onward, however, channeling his chakra into Rei. She sucked in a deep breath, her own chakra network clearly distraught by the foreign energy entering her body—especially Kakashi’s. She remained calm and persistent in her work, however. It was clear she had been doing this for a while. Once she had enough of his chakra in her, she placed her hand upon the soil in his pot and transferred the chakra through the plant’s roots. It began to glow blue with energy, and Kakashi tightened his grip on Rei’s hands. He could feel his own chakra entering the plant, filling it up and pouring into the leaves and branches and petals. “Alright” Rei then whispered, “Now rest your hand on the soil, and I’ll confirm the link.” He did as he was told, and she placed her hand atop his and concentrated. He could feel something bind between them, the plant and himself, an inexplicable connection. It was the strangest feeling, as if he had poured part of his own awareness into something inanimate and now could feel the sense of life inside of it. As if he was both in and out of his own body. He sucked in a deep breath and looked to Rei for guidance.

“Does it always feel this weird?” he asked.

Rei shrugged and laughed softly. “I guess” she replied. “Why? Do you regret doing this?”

“No” Kakashi shook his head. “Not at all. I’ve just never felt something like this before.”

“You get used to it after a while” Rei replied. Of course. This was how she had felt every time she did this, tethering her chakra to trees and brush during missions. Her kekkei genkai. Spying from within nature. Despite how bizarre it felt, he couldn’t help but smile then at the thought of it. He could even say he felt closer to her by experiencing this feeling firsthand. He liked knowing what it felt like to be her. “What about yours? Don’t you have to do the same?” he asked.

Rei nodded. “It’s much easier to tether my own chakra” she replied, going through the motions on herself. “Because I know exactly what I’m doing, and don’t have to channel any third party chakra through myself” she continued, speaking while she worked. It was incredible how effortlessly she was doing this on her own, and for a moment Kakashi felt like a bit of a burden on her seeing the difference. Once she was finished, however, she smiled at him and handed him the peony in its pot. “You’re all prepared. Now you can always know if I’m okay no matter where you are.”

Kakashi tookt the pot with great care and smiled. To think that something so simple would be so meaningful. He thanked her, and then they stood in silence for a moment more before he looked to the clock and sighed. “I should get going…I’m sure the kids would be really pissed if I was late again.”

“Yeah…” Rei replied, averting her eyes. “We wouldn’t want that.”

“Are you okay?” he asked. He wanted to reach out, to cup her cheek in his hand, but he resisted for fear of dropping the pot and ruining their work should he remove a hand from it. Rei nodded slowly, but he wasn’t convinced. “What is it?”

“I just…I guess I just miss you, is all…” she said. “We’ve been apart a lot lately. I know this helps”—here, she motioned to the plants—“but still, I wish you were here with me. I wish there wasn’t this…this wall between us.”

“A wall?” he asked. “What do you mean?”

“You know” she said, looking at him, but truly he didn’t. When she understood that he wasn’t playing dumb, she elaborated tiredly. “We’re in two completely different leagues now. We don’t even live in the same building anymore. We hardly ever see each other, and you don’t want anyone to know we’re even together. It just feels like there’s so much distance between us, I don’t know. I feel like a separate part of your life now…”

“Rei” Kakashi replied, voice cracking. His heart ached at her words. He never wanted to hurt her. “You know how dangerous our careers are, I just want to keep you safe. The kids don’t need to know anything about my personal life, just like no one outside of the ANBU needed to.”

“We’ve been together for two years, Kakashi” she said, slowly turning away from him. She ran her fingers across the petals of the cornflower and sighed. “I love you. I love you more than I ever thought possible…but I’m scared. I need to know if you’re serious about this. I don’t want to be some secret hidden away for the rest of your life. I don’t want to pretend like we’re just friends in the streets, I don’t want to pretend like I don’t know you in front of your team. I just…want to be a part of your life. A part that you’re not afraid to share.”

Kakashi sighed and bowed his head. “I’m sorry” was the first thing he said. He truly didn’t intend to make her feel this way. “I will introduce you to the kids, but I need to wait for the right time. It’s a…delicate subject. It needs to be handled carefully. I’m not ashamed to be with you, though, if that’s what you think. That’s not the case at all. I just want to keep you safe. That’s all I ever wanted.”

Rei gripped the edge of the desk, her voice hoarse. “I just wish being protected didn’t mean feeling like a bird locked in a cage.”

As he placed the peony on the shelf above his bed, Kakashi had a lot of things to think about. He tried not to consider the future, as much as he tried not to consider the past, but he knew deep down he desperately did want to spend the rest of his life with Rei. He had already lost her once, he refused to let it happen again. He refused to make the same mistakes, but he also refused to break the same promises. All he ever wanted was to protect her. Sighing, he slipped his jonin vest on and then his shoes, then walked out the door.

#kakashi hatake #rei natsuki #the scarecrow and the bell #naruto #naruto oc #fanfiction

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sage-nebula · 6 years

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((DO NOT reblog this post, or I will just delete the post (rendering your reblog meaningless) and block you, thank you.))

So, about a month ago, I was prescribed and started taking Lexapro for my anxiety disorder / chronic severe depression.

I’ve made a few posts on this here or there, particularly because the thing that drove me to seek medical assistance was because I was in a really, really bad place. I’m good at hiding it; I spent two weeks in a constant panic state where my heart was palpitating and I could hardly breathe because of it, and I’m sure that no one at work could tell because I’m really good at keeping a chill facade. But being able to hide what I’m feeling doesn’t change the fact that I am feeling it, and the panic state was pretty much unbearable. My severe depression has made it so that I typically always lowkey want to die, but my suicidal ideation tends to be passive. I think “I want to die” but I have no intention of acting on it. But during the weeks that I was in that panic state---a panic state which didn’t even make sense to me, because consciously I wasn’t worrying about anything, it was just my body having a never-ending panic attack from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep---started pushing that passive ideation to active. I live close enough to a train that I can hear the trains when they pass by, and I started having very strong daydreams of throwing myself in front of one because getting hit by a train would have to be better than living in a constant state of panic. That, and the sense of hopelessness and despair when I thought that the panic might never end, was what drove me to seek medication even though I’ve always been afraid of antidepressants. (Due in part to a sort of imposter syndrome, where I wondered whether I really did have a chemical imbalance, or if I was somehow just making it up.)

Well, I started taking the Lexapro, and as I mentioned in a few posts, the side-effects were not fun. At all. Actually they were pretty goddamn terrible, and I won’t get into all the gruesome details here, but let’s just say that for the first week and a half, my body seemed pretty intent on rejecting the Lexapro, or at least making me quit taking it. But I didn’t quit taking it. I haven’t missed a single dose. And I can tell you right now that I’ve noticed a difference beyond the brain fog of the first day. (Basically---and I laugh about this now---the first day I took the Lexapro I had a surprise work meeting wherein we learned how to use new admin privileges we’d been given. I didn’t know about this meeting until about two minutes after I had taken the Lexapro for the first time, which I did at work in case it gave me a seizure. So I sat through that meeting completely spaced out, learning absolutely nothing, struggling to set up my account. I know how to do the things now because in all honesty it’s not hard to figure out once you get logged into the admin portal, but jfc. It would be my luck that the day we have those permissions handed over to us is the day I tried taking my anti-anxiety/antidepressant for the first time.)

First of all, it really does work at subduing the panic state. Even when the side effects were kicking my ass up and down, my heart wasn’t palpitating and I wasn’t hyperventilating. Even that very first day, despite my doctor saying the Lexapro wouldn’t take effect for about two weeks, I noticed my heart rate slow and everything calm down. It was incredible. It made me eager to get to the next day so I could take the next dose. (Don’t worry, I’m not overdosing; I’m taking one pill at the same time each day as instructed.) I haven’t missed a dose because I don’t want to miss a dose. When I wake up each day, I can feel my heart doing light palpitations, as if it’s just waiting for me to forget so that the panic state can start again. I haven’t missed a dose because I want to keep that at bay. It’s not perfect; I can still feel those palpitations rise up sometimes, and even just a few minutes ago I was feeling it for whatever godforsaken reason. (I actually think I need a stronger dose and wish my doctor had prescribed me one, but since my anxiety and depression scores are better than they were last time, and since I’m pretty small in size, he said he wants to keep me on the low dose for now and we’ll see how I’m doing next month. I get it, but still.) But it’s far less than it was. I’m not in a constant state of high panic. The lowgrade anxiety is still lurking on the edges, but even when I feel it flare, I can get it to die down quickly enough. Hell, last week (or the week before?) I saw an ant in my kitchen, and you know what? I didn’t have a panic attack! I quickly swatted at and smashed the ant, but I didn’t have a panic attack. That’s huge for me. Similarly, last night I thought Morgan had found a dead roach (she didn’t---it was a silverfish), and again, I didn’t have a panic attack. I wasn’t thrilled to see either the ant or what I thought was a roach, but I didn’t have a panic attack. And that’s really big for me, because typically those two insects will send me into panic attacks due to childhood traumas related to them, but that didn’t happen this time. I was able to just handle it, like an adult. It was incredible.

And it’s not just with the anxiety. I think that the Lexapro is helping with the depression, too. Not so much with my low energy (that still needs a lot of work), but like . . . it’s easier for me to employ CBT now, to bat back intrusive thoughts. My suicidal ideation isn’t as frequent. And it’s like . . . over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about things. I mentioned this in another post, but to go into more detail, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I regard myself, and how I treat myself. For years now, I’ve had such a hard time seeing any good in myself. I’ve had a hard time appreciating myself, or thinking that I deserve good things. I’ve been immensely quick to tear myself down, and when I’m complimented, I’ve found it difficult to accept or believe. My intrusive thoughts are often in second-person, and it’s things like, “You should just kill yourself,” or, “you’re worthless,” or variations thereof. And I’ve been thinking lately . . . why? Why is it that my brain tells me that I don’t deserve good things? That I should feel ashamed for doing nice things for myself, or even basic, necessary things like eating? I’m not a bad person. I’m not. I might not be the best person in the world (who is?), but I’m not a bad person. I don’t hurt others, and I don’t condone other people hurting others. I try to be kind, and I’m compassionate. I’m smart, and resourceful. I help others when I can, and I’m supportive and loving toward those I care about especially. I might not be the best person in the universe, but I’m also not bad, and there are so many terrible people out there (people who do hurt others) who are nice to themselves and happy with themselves, so why shouldn’t I be? Why should I be here tearing myself down, hating myself, punishing myself when there are truly hateful people out there who like themselves and treat themselves kindly? Why should I sit here feeling like I’m the scum of the Earth when, even if I’m not perfect, I’m a far cry from some of the worst out there, and the worst out there do love themselves?

Maybe that’s not the best way of looking at things, but my basic point is that I’ve realized that all those thoughts I have about how I’m horrible, undeserving of even basic kindness from myself or others, a waste of space, stupid, worthless, completely unlovable---even if I’m not a wonderful person, on a basic level, I’m nowhere near as bad as my intrusive thoughts make me out to be. And those intrusive thoughts aren’t doing anyone any good. They’re not doing me any good, because they just make me feel bad about myself. They’re not doing anyone else any good, because me feeling bad about myself doesn’t contribute anything to society either, and it also means I’m less likely to be present for opportunities where I could make a difference, maybe. I shouldn’t be burdened by this. I deserve to like myself, I deserve to have some confidence. And that’s not arrogance, that’s not vanity, that’s just basic self-care. (And yeah, I’m kind of lowkey quoting the Fab 5 here, but let me live, they teach good lessons.) I’m not perfect, but I don’t have to be. I can still appreciate that I’m not a bad person even if I’m not perfect, and I can always try to do better.

I don’t know if it’s the Lexapro that has enabled me to think about these things, or what. I do know that the intrusive thoughts have been a bit less lately, and also that I’ve been able to more easily combat the intrusive thoughts back. (Like when I have the intrusive suicide thoughts, I can say “no,” and when I have the intrusive thoughts about how I’m undeserving of kindness, I can bat that back, too.) It’s not perfect, just like with the anxiety. It’s still there, and even over the past couple weeks I’ve had some real depressed moments / nights. (The fact that I’m so addicted to Hollow Knight at the moment is part of this; I always crave video games when I’m depressed, because they’re genuinely good for my mental health.) Maybe I do need a stronger dose, or maybe it’ll just take a little more time to sink in as my doctor has said. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I’ve noticed a difference over the past couple weeks, and an improvement, and I want to keep getting better. And you know what?

I’m kind of mad at myself for being scared of medication for so long. I’m kind of mad at myself for not doing this sooner, for having to get to such a state where I could not calm my body down until I finally went and got it. I could have been improving YEARS ago. But the important thing is that I’ve got it now, and you know what? They always talk about how SSRIs can be addictive and you should wean of, but I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t know if my brain chemistry will ever be “right.” I might need this medicine forever, and I’m fine with that. You don’t say a diabetic is addicted to insulin, do you? So why would you say that about someone who needs some medication to make their brain not try to kill them each day? If I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life, I’m cool with that. If it helps me with the anxiety and depression, I’m more than cool with that. Because for the first time in a long time I feel like I’m getting some of my fire back. It’s not perfect yet, I’m not at a full 100% yet, but I feel like I’m starting to get there, and I want to get there, I want that back. And if this medicine gets me there, I’m all for it.

So yeah. I’m not a terrible person. I am deserving of basic kindness. I deserve to get this flame re-lit, and I think the Lexapro is actually helping me with that. And if it is a result of the Lexapro, then I’m excited for it to keep helping me.

Also?

JAPAN IN ONE MONTH WOOOOOOOOOOO

(a reminder: DO NOT reblog this or I will delete it and block you, thanks)

#apologies to mobile users for the length lol #but yeah i'm starting to feel like ME again #the anxiety (paranoia at times tbh) did an incredible job putting out my fire #crushing my spirit and ruining me #and the depression helped the anxiety do this #but i feel like i'm finally rekindling that fire #after YEARS of it being out #i had a moment at the grocery store today that felt like classic ME #it was such a small thing but it felt like a power move and i could almost cry now thinking about it #idk if it's because of the medicine but if it is i'm grateful for it #i'm so beyond tired of being paralyzed by fear. i'm so beyond tired of hating myself #i want to change that #the road to recovery is not a straight line and so i expect i might relapse sometimes but #i want to keep pushing forward. i want to get better and i want myself back #and for the first time in years i've got real hope that i can do that

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actuallyadhd · 7 years

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This is quite long, so I’m putting in a Read More. It is responses to all of the Support Sunday posts for this week. Please note that I don’t necessarily agree with all of the suggestions given here. -J

“ takenforpomegranate’s Submission: Right now my biggest issue is driving. I keep zoning out on the road and since someone stole my radio I don’t have music to put on. To top it off there is no ac in my car. I try to focus but I keep loosing it and I end up running lights, almost hitting cars, etc. I don’t take medication since I’m not diagnosed officially either.”

I am so sorry that someone stole your radio. Is it possible to use one of those old disk music player things, walkman was it and place it on your hip or if you have a smartphone or music devise to play- if not- Is it possible to have maybe a stirring wheel cover that is plush or- I guess you cannot squeeze stirring wheel covers like a stress ball maybe that’s bad advice sorry. Would singing while you drive be good music to play while you drive? I heard some people with adhd need to knit while they watch movies but I suppose singing isn’t knitting. I am sorry about this, about your radio. Are you able to take the bus for now so you don’t get any car crashes? Would a friend mind lending you one or buying you one and you could pay them back? Or do they have an extra or old music device of some kind you could borrow? Sorry if my advice is bad.

“Anonymous’s Submission: I’m really struggling with my temper and impulse control. I can just completely flip out at the drop of a hat and I really upset the people around me. Or I’ll do or say something super insensitive or situationally inappropriate (e.g. blurting something out in my outside voice when I’m indoors) without thinking and I can’t take it back :( then everyone is sad or mad, including me and I’m racked with guilt, shame or embarassment.”

I am also impulsive and have outbursts of anger too. Not that you shouldn’t take accountability for your actions but our brains or I think it has to do with dysfunctions of the excutive function, so your inability to think before- well mine too at times is due to that. Adhd and excutive dysfunction. You yourself aren’t defective, your actions can be not great or awful but that does not mean you are awful. Appologize, then let the hurt party stew over it and decide whether to forgive you. It might hurt. I have impulsively said things in explosive anger that have really hurt people and I feel bad for and some have broken ties with me. I am not nessarily entitled to people keeping up social ties with me, though it’s okay to miss them and grieve if that happens as that’s normal. Anyway where was I going with this? You definitely are not defective at all. There’s a ted talk by Brene Brown called the power of vulnerability and she does another one on shame and her definitions of shame was something like and the person who feels shame thinks “that action makes me defective.” Guilt is something like “my action is bad but I am not bad.”

I was thinking of saying educate your friends about your adhd or send them links abour excutive dysfunction though I am not sure if educating your loved ones and friends about your adhd, say after you accidently hurt them would come off to them as you trying to excuse your behaviour. I have exploded in impulsive anger at percieved slights which is I think because we have adhd I learned off a link off this blog that it can be triggered by rejection- or I think that is due to my rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I am sorry I forget what it is called. There was a great ask I saw a few days ago on this blog about someone’s therapists giving them tips about- what was I getting at? If you believe in any dieties you could pray asking your deity or deities to help you have compassion for your own mistakes, outbursts and other things if that helps whenever you have an unpleasant self hatey thoughts in your head about your actions. I really like this song in Steven Universe called “here comes a thought”. There is one line in it I really like about “it’s just a thought, just a thought just a thought it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay. We can watch them go by from here.” I don’t know if this would help but to riff off this line you could say “they are just mistakes” multiple times or “everyone makes mistakes” multiple times and it’s okay it’s okay. Whenever I have uncomfy thoughts or I try to think in my head they’re just thoughts it’s okay. Maybe if you want list the things that have been causing or that sparks the outbursts. You could ask yourself “what is the crappy thing thay caused me anger?” “What is a validating response I might say to a hypothetical friend with adhd that reacted similarly?” Lwhy has this made me made?“ “What is the evidence that this is awful?” “What is the evidence or maybe evidence that this is not as awful as I think?” “What are the silver linings of this that bothered me if any?” “On a scale of 1 to 100 percent how much did this bother me?” “Is there a in the middle thought?” I am sorry if this is bad advice I also struggle with impulsivity and anger issues. Ignore this if this is horrid advice I am sorry. This got long I am sorry.

“ adhdkirabraginsky’s Submission: i’m trying to do research on the 16 colleges in my preliminary list, so i can make a final decision, but it’s turned into the mental equivalent of trying to climb a sheer cliff with no equipment. i know that i need to try to making it less overwhelming, and just focus on one school or even one item at a time, but, easier said than done. i’m also going to try voicechatting w/ some friends while i do it, so i can bounce ideas off of them and have them redirect me when i get distracted.”

Sorry this is overwhelming you could also listen to music or white nouse or ocean sounds while doing all this if this helps you be less distracted.

“Anonymous��s Submission: I’ve been struggling with a project all week, putting it off for other things, and I know it won’t take me THAT long to finish, but I just… I’m having trouble gathering the drive to encourage myself to want to do it… let alone having the energy to actually work on it… I’ve tried both carrot and stick encouragement and… I just don’t care.”

Excutive dysfunction is awful. I sometimes cannot get the motivation at all to do chores or get out of bed. I am sorry you are not finding the motivation. Perhaps rest and do lots of self care and pampering yourself till you do. Are you also exhausted by the project? Maybe this is bad advice and I don’t know if this will build motivation but tasks can be draining of batteries and maybe self care and play fills them back up. I watched a ted talk called the power of play and how a polar bear was hungry and wanted to eat a wolf, or so it said in the ted talk and the wolf was playful so the bear decided not to eat and was amused or something and started to be playful too. You are probably wondering what this has to do with motivation but i think play and self care can maybe build up your mental resources. Don’t be hard on yourself if you cannot complete the project. Are their friends you could ask for help on the project? I read this tumblr post about how when we have trouble with motivation because of excutive function it helped that person to admit there are somethings they cannot do on their own and to get help or something. I am sorry if this didnt help

“ bopbingsoo’s Submission: So I’ve been out of work for the last three weeks and my adhd has made it hard for me to move forward. I feel a bit paralyzed and I’m really struggling in making any efforts in updating my resume, searching for jobs and applying to them. I’m also scared to face the constant rejection that I’ve gotten before when I was applying for jobs as well. I just feel so overwhelmed. ”

I am so sorry you are overworked and understandably overwhelmed. I think taking time to rest when you are working so hard to find a job is important and self care. Your fear of rejection is understandable. And apparently I read a study that the place in the brain where physical pain is and rejection are similar so understandable that you would find that unpleasant. I don’t know if this would work for you or maybe would freak you out more but I heard about cognitive behavioural therapy that there is something called de cautastephize where you think of the worst that can happen and ask yourself how you could plan to cope with worst possible sincerios or something. That might make you more anxious though. I don’t know if using a website called 7cups to talk annoymously or at least I think you can talk annoymously to vouleenteers, havent used it mysrlf but heard good things, anywya if you want to talk about your fears and overwhelment. Possibly taking time to inhale in for maybe five seconds and out five, or slow in and out breaths doesnt have to be five secondly exactly could help your nerves. Also stretching. You could also tense your muscles for ten seconds and then untense them for ten seconds, rounds of this one muscle at a time for ten seconds. I read mindfulness can help with tension and fear feelings but i also heard ir can make some people disassiate. Sorry if this hasn’t helped. You deserve more relaxation and less overwhelment. I hope things look up for you.

“Anonymous’s Submission: I got into my top choice unis and have to decide between them but don’t really know what to do. My mom doesn’t have much confidence in me managing on my own so I’m a bit concerned that I’ll end up failing and very conflicted. At this point I’m almost just trying to figure out which one will be easier for me instead of where will I enjoy being.”

Your mother does not sound very nice about that, is she projecting her own lack of confidence or maybe is she projecting her own confidence issues onto you or issues she had in school onto you or she being overprotective? My parents are massively so and it has made me doubt my abilities. You got accepted into two colleges though, that’s awesome! Congrats! I am sorry your mom is having lack of confidence in you that’s not fun. Well it’s your decision of what’s right for you but if you got accepted for two colleges you must be competent. I dropped out of high school due to struggles with a learning disability and bullying and my adhd. You made it this far in your studies like through school and as long as you do self care, pamper and take care of yourself during college, whatever college you choose will be good for you. I am very influenced by my parents but I am not my parents and I don’t have to be them or defined by their expections of me. We are not our parents expectations of us, we can be our own people and since you got through your high school years though it was probably unpleasant at times I assume you managed your studies decently maybe with assistance and you can do that with your college too. I heard there are councillers in college. Maybe this is dumb advice I am sorry. What I mean is though I love my parents I am not them nor their expectations same as you. Maybe you could list ten things you are competent at for a month everyday.

“Anonymous’s Submission: I’m really struggling with meds rn. I was switched to bupropion in the month before classes ended (and my school health insurance along with them). I think it’s making the executive dysfunction way worse tho bc, while I have one more month left in the rx, I just can’t bring myself to find a new psychiatrist and make an appointment so I can just stop taking this medication already. I know I need to make the appointment so I can safely stop the meds, but i just can’t. I don’t know what to do.”

My parent went cold turkey on the pain meds and then quickly started new ones and they got into a coma and while they are not dead other things caused them to be severely brain injured when they woke up. Be careful going cold turkey. A relative also went turkey off an antidepressant and felt like crap for a week or two. Maybe look up the effects of going cold turkey off your meds, going cold turkey on different meds have different effects. You don’t have to go but be careful. What I mean by cold turkey is just going right off your meds by not slowly weening.

#submission #Anon #ADHD #Actually ADHD #Support Sunday

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themillionairesclub · 7 years

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Justin Biebers Muse – an interview with Gina Wynbrandt

Gina Wynbrandt is a great comic artist from Chicago with one of the funniest Twitter accounts (follow her!! @wynbr) on this planet. Ginas book „Someone Please Have Sex With Me“ came out in 2016 from 2dcloud. It’s a collection of her mini comics about horny girls desperately trying to get laid, how to hunt men down and a sexual encounter with a pack of cats.

It is exactly what the medium comics was waiting for. Finally the lord has heard our prayers and we are so happy to announce that Gina will be at The Millionaires Club 2017!

Gina is going to read live from her book SPHSWM at Conne Island, March 22nd, 7pm (Don’t miss it! Gina is an incredible performer as well!) She is also showing her work at Hopfe (Kolonnadenstrasse), March 24th-26th, Opening reception: March 24th, 7pm She will be around during The Millionaires Club. Talk to her, buy SPHSWM and get it signed with "Let me know if you want to have sex with me“. May your dreams come true!

Do you have to deal with a lot of creeps online and IRL since your book is out? Frankly, I don't have enough creeps in my life. SPHSWM was written as an earnest plea that few have taken seriously. I've received a couple emails of interest, but not nearly enough. I will sign books with "Let me know if you want to have sex with me" to really drive the point home. A couple guys approach me in person. One was a guy at last year's Small Press Expo who told me I was more attractive than most BBW escorts on Backpage and he'd have to check with his wife, but she would probably let him fuck me. Later I found out he was really into Ayn Rand through his Twitter. Every instance is a disaster. Hopefully my visit to Leipzig will change my luck.

Your comics aren’t straight up diary comics even if the main character always looks like a version of you. When does abstraction and fiction kick in in your drawing/ writing? My comics are fictional stories that star a real person (me). The scenarios are usually fictional, but I write as I imagine I'd react. I like writing about myself, but slice-of-life autobio comics can be fucking boring. I'd rather write a fantasy comic about me riding on a motorcycle with Justin Bieber than a true to life comic about me in my apartment, binge eating for eight hours with intermittent masturbating.

How do you draw all these Ginas so well? I take many, many embarrassing photos of myself. And then I copy those photos.

I keep thinking about the tweet about your mom crying when you mentioned this tinder dude who spit in your mouth in that interview with Paste Magazine. How is your family dealing with the honesty in your work and online? And how are you dealing with their reactions? That comment did upset my mom. She doesn't want to know how pathetic or wretched I can be in real life. But she is super supportive of my comics and everything I do. We have a similar sense of humor, and she thinks my work is really funny. On the other hand, my dad is much more conservative. He's happy for my book's success, but he's made it clear that he does not want to read it. He is always suggesting I write a nice comic about my little sister's imaginary friends, Mr. Ginger Ale and Louis, and their adventures.

How long did it take you to draw SPHSWM? I started writing One Less Lonely Girl in September 2011, and I finished drawing Manhunt June 2015. Basically one minicomic per year. I draw very s l o w l y and dislike working hard.

How did you and your publisher 2dcloud get in touch? Raighne added me on Facebook and ask if I would want to be published by 2dcloud. He said that he saw a video of me reading Someone Please Have Sex With Me at Brain Frame (a live comics event that happened in Chicago for three years). I love working with 2dcloud and can't wait to do more stuff with them in the future.

Comics lucked out on you so much! You entered the stage with a full force active social media accounts, a great ability to perform your work and something to say! the first 2 things used to be very rare among comic artists who are rather thought of as shy and pail loners. And it is even rarer among female creators. How come you chose comics of all mediums??? I like making people laugh, but I'm too scared to be an actor or comedian.

Your work also feels like it’s reflecting the times we live in very well. The most famous and richest popstars Justin Bieber & Kim Kardashian are reoccuring heroes in ‚Someone Please Have Sex With Me‘. Are you sometimes scared that your comics might not age well? Does that even concern you at all? Oh yeah, certainly some of my comics will age badly. And all the pop culture stuff is a turnoff for foreign publishers. I don't care. I deeply, truly loved Justin Bieber (and still do) and wanted to express it, purely for myself. In my wildest fantasies, it will one day fall into his lap, and he'll be charmed by me and send a Learjet to retrieve me so we can finally fuck.

What do you wish for teenage girls in the future? You don't have to laugh at a boy's jokes if he's not funny.

What do you do with unsolicited dick pics (asking for a friend)? I always respond positively to the sender, thanking him. Sometimes I will further engage and try to get him to eat his own cum.

Which (Comic)Artists do you cherish? I loved reading Rumiko Takahashi's books in grade school. Ivan Brunetti was the first alternative cartoonist I got into, around 8th or 9th grade. I started reading Chester Brown and Phoebe Gloeckner when I started making my own comics in college.

Are you working on a new book? Please say yes! I think I will self-publish a mini or two before I work on another book.

Thank you so much, Gina! See you in march!! more of Ginas work: http://www.ginawynbrandt.com https://www.instagram.com/wynbr/?hl=de

#Gina Wynbrandt #someone please have sex with me #sphswm #TMC #TMC 2017 #interview #comics #2dcloud #justin bieber #bieberconda #comic interview

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