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voicesbecameourstars · 6 years

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Wednesday 1/24/2018

Wednesday 1/24/18

The day started like any other. I was going to go to Jordan's to hangout as we typically did on Monday's and Wednesday's. But at 3:22 pm my grandmother called me and told me that Popall was sick and she needed my help. I dropped what I was doing and I rushed over. The last time he was "sick" I thought we were going to lose him. It was the scariest thing I had ever experienced. I was able to help save him that time. But this would be different.

Popall was fine when grandmommy left to go pick up Aiden. But when she got home he had thrown up on himself and he was completely blind. I know he had to be scared... As she cleaned him up I tried to keep Aiden calm. It was hard for me to swallow my own fears but I had to do it in order to help Aiden. I was listening to what was going on with popall while I kept Aiden distracted. I was saying silent prayers and keeping a tight grip on my feelings. I later came to regret this, but I looked Aiden straight in the face and told him popall was going to be fine even though I had doubts of my own, reminding Aiden of when he had thrown up at Christmas. I told him popall just had an upset tummy and he'd be okay.

I tried to believe that myself. But I'd been fearful of losing popall ever since he had an episode a few summers before. I'd never gotten rid of that fear. I had nightmares about it for almost a year and I regret this so much... but I was scared to be alone with popall. I was so traumatized by how close we came to losing him that I was scared if I was there with him alone I wouldn't be able to save him and that I'd have to helplessly watch him slip away as my efforts failed. Every time I was around him I had flashbacks to that day.

I've never told anyone that before...

And I can't believe something so stupid... some stupid fear get in the way of spending a lot more time with him. Why was I so damn weak? Why couldn't I swallow that down like I do everything else? Why couldn't I get the image of his eyes rolling back in his head and him going limp out of my head? Or the sight of him on the floor as my dad prepared to do CPR. Why couldn't I stop hearing the screams and cries of my aunt and my grandmother? Why couldn't I just forget and let it go? I wanted nothing more than to be with him... but I didn't want to see and hear the flashbacks that stayed in my head.

I'll never forgive myself for it... If I was that messed up I shouldn't have stayed quiet. I should've gotten help so I wouldn't have lost any time with him. I guess that doesn't change anything now, does it? Eventually I began to forget. The flashbacks and nightmares still happened but they happened less. It became bearable. But then life got busy... I had work and college and I was still trying to figure life out and how to balance everything and I was just... I was learning how to live. But being busy and confused should've never kept me away from someone that meant the world to me. So what if I had to turn that assignment in late? He was more important than anything else. No matter how exhausted I was after work I should've went to see him. I should've at least laid down the homework long enough to go eat dinner with them every night. Instead I ate alone and crammed my brain full of meaningless information.

He missed me. He told everyone he did. He was sad because he thought we were closer than that and we were.... I don't know what the hell was wrong with me. But God do I regret it now.... and like I said. I'll never forgive myself. Even if Popall does. I know he'd want me to forgive myself but I just can't... he was everything to me and I let our numbered days slip through my fingers all the while he was missing me and I was missing him but I wasn't there. And I should've been. I should've never moved out of their house. I love where I live now. But I shouldn't have left. And I shouldn't have left the fire department either no matter what. I would've gotten to spend SO much more time with him if I had stayed in his house and the fire house... why didn't I just stay..? Why...

Sorry I got a little off the story line there but... it needed to be said.

Anyways.

Popall was having bad chest pains and he was still throwing up. So grandmommy called the ambulance. I moved on to my next task. I wrangled my dog and locked him up in my room so he'd be out of the way when EMS arrived. I feel so bad for doing it to him but I had to drag him by his collar to my room. He didn't understand. He was scared. He wanted to go to popall but I couldn't let him. He cried out as I drug him back there but it had to be done... (in case anyone was wondering, Apollo forgave me for it. But I still feel awful for doing it to him).

Then I re-arranged the living room faster than anyone probably ever has. I was moving couches and tables and everything under the sun. I wanted to make sure they could get to Popall as quickly as they could and get him out as quickly as they could. Then Aiden and I went outside to watch for the ambulance. The ambulance arrived at the same time as sam so she took Aiden from me. I came back in the house to help. They didn't really need me so I stayed out of the way and held the door open.

Once they got him in the ambulance I loved on my grandma and told her I'd take care of everything. There was a helicopter waiting for Popall at Haggin to take him to UK. Sam, dad, and grandmommy left to go on to U.K. Vicki and Mike were going to Haggin. I was staying behind to take care of the animals, tie up some loose ends, and have the ability to take things to my family because I was sure at the least it'd be an overnight stay and they would need things. So I would bring them.

I called Jordan and told him what happened. We agreed I'd still come over and he'd drive me if I needed to go to U.K. Before I left though I was asked to take care of my parents' dog and father a few things. Mike ended up coming back to the house to get his medicine and then go back to the hospital. So I decided to send the stuff with him. He ended up asking if he could ride with me and I could drop him off. So I swung by and took care of their dog and then I dropped him off at Haggin.

I arrived at Jordans and I called my Meme and told her what was going on. By the time I left the bathroom (I went in there to talk to her so no one would over hear) a girl who I can't stand was at their house. I couldn't deal with all the people and all the noise and I couldn't handle being around her. I just wanted to talk to jordan and calm down. So I asked if we could just go drive somewhere so I could unwind and we could talk. We ended up going to Walmart. He wanted vanilla wafers so we found some and then we just looked around at random stuff.

I kept asking for updates but no one would tell me anything. I didn't understand why. As far as I knew my popall was on a helicopter going to U.K. Or he could've already been in surgery by then. But he wasn't... he was gone. He never made it onto the helicopter.

My phone rang. It was my aunts number but my aunt wasn't the one calling. I was asked where I was and told to get to the ambulance bay at Haggin. That everyone was waiting for me.

No one ever had to tell me. I just knew. He was gone.

I hung up the phone and I told jordan we had to go. He tried to reassure me that everything was probably fine but I knew it wasn't. He was just trying to be hopeful. But I was past the point of hope. My body was shaking. I couldn't even feel my legs to move them. But somehow I did.

He threw the vanilla wafers on a random shelf and off we went.

As Jordan and I walked down the long, white hall I passed ashen faces and tears on the faces of family, first responders, and dear friends. But I couldn't feel anything. Not emotionally at least. The only thing I could feel was that it was getting harder to breathe. My chest was burning. It was heavy. And my heart was going way too fast. I was shaking. My head was spinning. The walls seemed to be closing in. I was lucky I could move forward but I managed to somehow. No one would look at me. Until I found a very dear person to me. I won't mention her name because I haven't asked permission. Just know that she's someone I've known since I was a baby and I trusted her. And for any of you who know me you know I don't trust just anyone so she's special. She wasn't crying. And that actually was a bit calming. I wasn't the only one who wasn't crying.... she hugged me and talked to me for a long time. She told me she could feel my heart racing. If it had pounded against my sternum any harder it might've fallen out. I got kinda worried I might have a heart attack too. But oddly that thought didn't even phase me.

I prayed no one thought I was cold or heartless because I wasn't showing any kind of emotion. But i did feel it. It just didn't come out. It's like deep down I knew I had to be strong. I had to be strong for everyone else and popall would've wanted me to be strong for him and for them. It's almost like he was there holding onto me and telling me "you have to take care of them first."

I noticed something was very off. Where was my family? I mean. They are all family but. My immediate family. My aunt was with popall I think. But I found out that my parents and grandmommy were at U.K. They were coming back. I prayed to god that my dad wasn't driving because I knew he'd wreck and then I'd have lost all three of them too and I didn't want that. I wanted them to get there safe. That was my only concern at that point.

At no point was I ever concerned about myself. I just wanted to make sure everybody else was okay.

It felt like an eternity but they finally got there. When they got there they all went in to see him. I honestly didn't want to go in. But I did. I didn't want my last memory of him to be him laying there lifeless and cold... but jordan grabbed my hand and took my in there. And he stayed with me, holding me close. Or I couldn't have done it. Eventually I hugged my dad and everyone. We all stood in there a good while but then I had to get out of there. It was too crowded and I wasn't in any place to be able to handle that many people in such a small space. I needed air.

Once in the hall jordan and I decided we'd go back to his house so I could get my car. And I didn't want to keep him there all night. I loved having him there but. He deserved to relax since he had school at 8 am the next day and then working until 12:30 am. Plus his mom made tacos and he loves tacos. He deserved tacos. We drove to his house. Somewhere along the way, out of no where, I looked over at jordan and I said, "we'll never get to go fishing again." And then I cried. I pulled it back together before we walked into his house. But then his parents told me they were sorry and stuff and then I got choked up again. I killed it off fast though. I sat there and talked to them while they all ate for a bit but then I got a text that the fire trucks would be escorting popall to the funeral home and my other grandparents had shown up and wanted to see me. So I said a very difficult goodbye to Jordan and I drove to the hospital.

I don't know how I did it because I was shaking and crying but I made it. I dried my face and went back inside the building of mass devastation. We all talked and hugged some more and there were many more tears and I just kept hugging everyone and reassuring everyone and trying to be of some kind of comfort because that's really all I'm good for in most situations. Then we escorted popall to the funeral home. It was beautiful. It's what he deserved. I drove myself. Crying again. But I was fine. Or so I kept telling myself.

After that we all went home. I let Apollo out to potty and then I went back home. I face timed jordan and I don't really remember what we talked about honestly. I don't remember much from the point on it was really hazy. But after he hung up and went to bed I went back to my grandmas. We all just kinda sat there, exhausted, watching tv. There was pizza and cookies and drinks but I couldn't really stomach it. I ate like half a piece of pizza. I'm pretty sure that's all I had to eat that day. Eventually they were ready to sleep and I walked home.

It was pretty cold out but I couldn't feel it. Or maybe I just didn't care.

I crawled into bed and cried my heart out. Sometime after 6 am I fell asleep.

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