I know that Season 2 will likely bring another wave of fans and I cannot WAIT for that but I also know it's going to bring another round of Izzy haters vs. Izzy enjoyers who have never interacted with or seen discourse about his character. I know I can't stop it it's a canon event.

But what I'm truly begging is that I don't see any more hate hurled at Con O'Neil or people implying he shouldn't be allowed to interact with fandom or go to conventions to talk about his character.

Con is a truly decent person who loves the character he plays and has played a multitude of queer characters over his very long career, he's respectful, he loves his fans and appreciates fan art, and he is very outspoken about queer issues and corrupt government.

Nobody is perfect and im absolutely not saying he is or putting him on a pedestal, I'm just begging people to realize that he is a human being and Izzy is a fictional character.

hi! may i please request a super fluffy scenario wherein you and soonyoung go on a snowy trip together? + cuddles in the fireplace. tysm!! ♥️🤧

sorry if this is a bit bad i am terrible at writing fluff...oh and its 5 am so if there is any mistakes bare with me i will read over and edit when i wake up,,, nevertheless i hope u enjoy <3

hoshi x reader

fluff

warnings: none !

wc; 800

super fluffy scenario where y/n and soonyoung go on a snowy trip together? + cuddles in the fireplace. 

a ride filled with an entire hour of laughing and singing badly to songs, it's worth it once you step out of the car and immediately come into contact with the fluffy coatings of snow spread all over the ground and the tall trees towering over you making you look around in awe. winter being your favourite season maybe it was the satisfaction you felt hearing it crunch under your not so winter shoes. however you would never be able to get used to the frosty weather that was never any good for your sensitive hands as you painfully rubbed them together in attempts of warming them up until another pair took yours into his. they were warmer than yours that's for sure. you looked up to meet soonyoung’s adoring eyes instantly smiling as they met yours.

“this better?”

“somewhat” 

“didn’t you bring gloves?” he questioned almost tutting at you.

of course you expected the cold, were you prepared for it? not so much.

“no…”

the struggles caused by the weather were shortly left outside as you and soonyoung both rushed inside fighting for a place in front of the fireplace, you lost but either way he let you warm up first while he brought over the rest of the bags which you thanked him for with a peck on the cheek causing him to blush.

“let’s warm up first then we can decide what to do.” you say to him and throws his arms around you.

“you wanna go back out?” he questions poking your cheeks until you softly nudge his hand off.

“maybe. we can build a snowman. i brought carrots” 

“do you wanna build a snowman?” he sings, making you giggle and nod.

“perfect let go then” soonyoung gets up and rushes to grab your hand

“wait i thought we were going to warm up”

“we can do that later let's go!” 

you laugh at your excited boyfriend running out into the snow rushing to build a snowman like you weren't the one who suggested it in the first place. many attempts were made trying to roll a ball of snow like you saw in the childhood shows but for some reason it wasnt working out as well as it should’ve. you groan in frustration and it doesn't go unnoticed by soonyoung who is now cheekily staring at you after having thrown a snowball at the back of your head.

“oh it's on.”

a few hours later both of you finally decide to go back in, feeling the warmth embrace you and being able to feel your toes again. you’ve now decided snow sucks but nevertheless there was no denying the cons were heavily over weighed by the pros of spending a snow day with the one person who managed to brighten up any day with his presence.

however right now the presence next to you was more fixated on his mobile phone

“i wanna watch a movie” you speak out with a pout silently begging for soonyoung’s attention.

“okay then let's watch a movie” he smiled putting down his phone diverting his gaze to you like you non verbally hoped for.

perhaps it was a bit cliche of you to swiftly jump onto your feet to run into the kitchen excitedly making your signature peppermint hot choco. the smell is almost heavenly as you walk back into the main room, set down the two mugs in front of you on the coffee table and lean back into the couch only to get engulfed by the other sitting next to you. he pulled a fluffy blanket over you both and playing the movie.

the fireplace was perfect, the flames warming you both up, maybe that was why your cheeks were suddenly flushed a crimson colour that soonyoung couldn't help but coo over. silently of course.

but both of you were more fixated on eachother your hands easily got a hold of his to entertwine making him and you smile at the sight. 

the two of you are more invested in each other than the movie. that's probably what happened since you had fallen asleep and woken up alone to the sweet smell of crepes inviting you and your stomach into the kitchen.

“you should have woken me up too so i could've helped you with the breakfast” you mumble against your boyfriend's back; arms wrapped around his body.

“while you were sleeping peacefully?” he retorted but you knew he was smiling.

“why not”

“touche baby” he laughs, turning around to face you cupping your face into his hand and leaning in.

“breakfast is ready” he smirks and lets go of you slipping past to sit down at the table. you groan in annoyance.

“such a tease” 

despite muttering under your breath the words don't go unheard by the other as much as you wish it would have.

Boyfriend Twins No Longer

Derek was furious. Last night had been his 21st birthday and what should have been a blast had been ruined by all the jerks at that gay bar. “Boyfriend twins!” The taunt rung through his mind. Nobody had ever made fun of him and Arjun before! They didn’t even look that similar. After all, Derek might be tan but he could never be compared to Arjun. Sure they had both been wearing Abercrombie shirts and khakis in nearly the same hue, but lots of people dressed like that! And besides, Derek though their matching sneakers were cute. And yet, when they walked into that one queer bar in town, the hipsters all turned to them and immediately started laughing. The door guy asked if they were clones and the bartender asked if there was a 2-for-1 special at the Abercrombie shop. Like they were so cool just because they had piercings and tattoos! That didn’t make them unique! There were plenty of hipster “boyfriend twins” in that bar and nobody gave them any guff! Regardless, Derek couldn’t stop fixating on it. He hated being criticized by other gays after a lifetime of being mocked by straight people for being different. He glanced over at Arjun as he snoozed, admiring his butt in the matching pair of Andrew Christian briefs that they had actually bought in a 2-for-1 sale. Well damn, thought Derek, maybe we are a little similar. “Are you ok, hun?” Arjun asked, stirring from his sleep. Derek sighed and turned away. “You can’t be upset about the boyfriend twins thing, can you?” Derek harumphed and turned to his lover, unaware that the mystical forces that grant birthday wishes had decided to pay attention to Derek this year. “I just wish we weren’t so similar!” Derek said angrily. A lighting bolt cracked across the sky, scaring both of the boyfriends. “You’re being dramatic,” Arjun sighed as he got up from the bed. “Let me make you some coffee and we can do something fun for your birthday. Arjun headed out to the kitchen, his ass looking great in the jockstrap he was wearing. Wait, that wasn’t right, thought Derek. They had the same pair of underpants! “Arjun!” Derek cried. “What’s up with that jockstrap!?” “Uh duh, it’s what I always wear, bro,” Arjun yelled back from the kitchen. That didn’t seem right to Derek. He looked down at his own lap and noticed that he was now wearing a pair of plain Hanes tighty-whiteys. That definitely wasn’t right. He sat up and leaned over the edge of the bed but something else was wrong. His feet didn’t reach the floor anymore. Derek panicked and stood up. He looked in the mirror and something was off. Where they had both been a solid 5’11” before, Derek couldn’t be more than 5’8” now and he was looking leaner than usual. There was something weird going on with his hair but Derek couldn’t really discern it in the mirror. He grabbed his pair of thick black framed glasses from the end table and threw them on. His hair was paler, more red, than before and seemed to be stuck in a weird center part. This was not the haircut he had gotten a week ago. And wait a minute! Derek didn’t need glasses! He threw them off and the world turned into a total blur. Derek started to panic, breathing heavily and starting to hyperventilate. Arjun reentered the room, or at least Derek thought the blurry shape was Arjun—it seemed taller—and handed Derek a glass of skim milk. “What’s this?” Derek whined, his voice noticeably higher pitched. “Where is my coffee?” “You can’t drink coffee, bro,” Arjun laughed, his voice noticeably deeper. “You’re spastic enough as it is.” Arjun took a deep sip of his coffee. “Give me a sip of your coffee then!” Derek whined. Arjun laughed. “You need to put on your glasses dude.” Derek did as he was told and was shocked as the world came into focus. The Arjun in front of him was different. He was taller for one, at least 6’2” now, and substantially more muscular than he had been before. Whereas Arjun had always been clean shaven, he was now sporting a decent five o’clock shadow. Derek rubbed his face; it was now smooth where before he had been sporting the beginnings of a beard. And then Derek noticed Arjun wasn’t drinking coffee at all. He had a protein shake. “Something isn’t right!” Derek wheezed. Arjun rolled his eyes and handed him an inhaler. “You need to calm down bro. And use your inhaler. You know you’re not supposed to get excited. It’s time for us to get dressed and head to campus anyways.” “But it’s my birthday!” Derek complained, taking three short puffs of the inhaler. “So who cares!?” Arjun laughed. “Get out of my room and go get dressed!” Arjun’s room!? But they had shared a room for six months. Regardless, Derek felt too timid to argue and he shuffled meekly out of the room. Derek headed down the hallway and then noticed his backpack peeking out from their study. He opened the door and was shocked at what he saw. It wasn’t a study any more. It had turned into a bedroom. In the center was a twin sized bed with Pokemon sheets. The walls were decorated with anime posters and cardboard cut outs of Lord of the Rings figures. There was an entire shelf of trophies from Math League, Chess Club, the 24-Hour Coding Challenge, Klingon Karaoke. Whoever had this room was a total dork! And that’s when Derek saw it. A framed picture on the wall of a total dork with Patrick Stewart at a comic convention. The guy looked familiar even though he was wearing thick glasses and the nerdiest clothes Derek had ever seen. He looked closer and gasped. It was HIM. But this wasn’t right! This room belonged to a total dork and Derek wasn’t a geek! He barely even used his computer. And yet this room had a massive desk with multiple computers on them, running World of Warcraft! Derek looked at the picture again and shook his head. This couldn’t be right. He would never dress like this! And yet when Derek opened the closet. all the clothes matched those in the pictures. Plaid button downs, cheap pleated dress slacks, shiny leather shoes. None of it seemed right. “Hurry the fuck up and get dressed!” Arjun yelled from out in the hall. Derek had never heard him yell like that before. That wasn’t the Arjun he knew but something made Derek quiver. He did not want to make Arjun mad! He sighed and started getting dressed. He buttoned up the button down all the way to the top and felt compelled to add a too short black tie. He put on a pair of clashing brown slacks that stopped a couple of inches above his ankle and couldn’t stop himself from attaching a pair of red suspenders that yanked the waist of the pants up above his belly button. All of Derek’s socks were white crew socks now and they clashed with his black patent leather shoes but he could hear Arjun getting impatient so he threw them on in resignation. He was scared to make Arjun mad; something he had never felt before. He looked at himself in the mirror and sighed. He looked like a total dork! He had definitely shrunk too! There was no way he was over 5’2” now. “HURRY UP DWEEB!” Arjun boomed from the living room. Derek grabbed his backpack and meekly shuffled out, his confidence totally eradicated. He gasped when he saw his boyfriend. Arjun towered over him now, standing at a solid 6’6”. Where he had been slightly muscled before, he was now a total meathead, weighing in at 300 lbs of pure muscle. The five o’clock shadow he had moments before was now a beard of epic proportion that came down to mid chest and his hair was up in an unruly and super masculine bun. Arjun’s muscles were massive… unlike anything Derek had ever seen and they were on full display as Arjun was now wearing a muscle tank that said “Give Me Deadlifts or Give Me Death” on it. On his legs, he wore tight black sweats that showed off every bit of muscle in his thighs and his massive calved. His arms were now dotted with tattoos and an 8 gauge septum piercing adorned his nose while double zero gauges rested comfortably in his ears. “S-s-s-since when do you l-l-l-lift weights?” Derek said, now aware that he stuttered. “S-s-s-s-since fucking forever, braceface,” Arjun laughed. Braceface? Why would Arjun call him that? But Derek reached up and touched his mouth and knew the answer. Huge clunky orthodontics were now glued to his teeth and when he caught his reflection in the mirror, he sighed. “You sh-sh-shouldn’t talk to your own boyfriend like that,” Derek implored. This sent Arjun into a series of hearty chortles. “Boyfriend!?” he laughed. “I would never date a dweeb like you, fuckwad. The only reason we live together is that the college said I needed to get my grades up if I wanted to stay on the weightlifting team and well, you’re too much of a fucking pussy to stand up to me when I ask you to do my homework.” Derek tried to argue but found himself getting too nervous. I guess I am too much of a pussy, he thought. “You’re right, Arjun,” Derek complied. Arjun rolled his eyes. “How many times have I told you? It’s AJ, not Arjun. Only my mom calls me Arjun. Now let’s get going.” Arjun grabbed Derek by the waist of his tighty whiteys, effortlessly lifting him up in a painful wedgie and carried him out the door. As they walked to campus, Derek felt all eyes on them. People were swooning over Arjun—er—AJ and pointing and laughing at Derek the whole way. He couldn’t stand it! AJ and Derek couldn’t be more different. That’s when it hit Derek. The wish. HE HAD WISHED FOR THIS. “Th-th-this isn’t what I wanted,” Derek said meekly as they arrived on campus. “Well I didn’t want to have to spend time with the university’s least attractive virgin but here we are,” AJ said as he dumped a bunch of books in Derek’s hands. “I’m going to need all these papers written by Monday so I can stay on the team.” “B-b-b-but-“ “No buts, dork!” AJ yelled as he shoved him towards the library. Derek looked at AJ with tears in his eyes. They had been so close, so in love, and now this was their life. More muscular hunks walked up to AJ as they started heading off to the gym. Derek turned meekly and started shuffling towards the library, his spindly legs giving him an awkward gait. “Hey nerd!” AJ yelled after Derek. “You forgot your student ID!” He flung it at Derek and it hit him right in the forehead, causing a chorus of laughs from AJ’s weightlifting bros. Derek struggled to pick it up from the ground without dropping all his books and gasped at his ID. For a brief moment, it listed the correct information: “Derek Parker, English Comp” before shimmering for a moment and changing. Derek blinked his eyes and looked at it again through this thick coke-bottle glasses. “Derwin Pimpleberg, Computer Science,” he sighed. Derek—make that Derwin—had totally changed, and all because of this stupid birthday wish. He headed into the library wanting to cry. Luckily, Derwin found academic achievement easy, which was great because soon AJ was making him do not only his homework, but also all of AJ’s weightlifting bros’ homework. AJ and his boys would come around on Saturdays and get wasted before heading out leaving Derwin alone to play World of Warcraft all weekend. While AJ would bring home a different stud every night to fuck, Derwin was alone reading fantasy novels and writing World of Warcraft fanfiction. And the noise from AJ’s heavy fucking made Derwin sad. Before the change, Derek and Arjun had had plenty of sex, but Derwin—well that was a different story. He was a virgin and try as he might over the next few decades, no one ever wanted to have sex with him and he remained a virgin forever. Eventually, the now roommates graduated but AJ didn’t want to let Derwin go. Why would he? Derwin was too meek to fight with AJ and would clean up after him, make his protein shakes, and wash his dirty gym clothes for him. Besides, whereas AJ’s degree was useless, Derwin’s computer science degree was a cash cow and Derwin was making tons of money consulting. Of course, AJ had made Derwin sign over all of his bank accounts to him so AJ could focus on professional body building instead of working, meaning that Derwin still had to wear cheap dorky clothes and couldn’t really afford to go out, not that he had any friends he needed to see. A few year later, Derwin had to go to his high school reunion and AJ decided to tag along. All of Derek’s friends were shocked to see that their old buddy was now a total nerd stereotype that went by Derwin but they were all enamored with AJ and joined in on mocking, ridiculing, and beating up Derwin. As his former friends hoisted him up the flagpole so he had to just dangle there in an atomic wedgie, Derwin sighed. He had wished that he and AJ were different and well, it couldn't have come any more true. 

Boiling Bite. (Chanyeol, Wolf!au) 2/2

Hello guys! A few little changes!

I will try to again re-update a lot of the lists that I have here, because not only they were not up to date, they are a bit glitched, as I saw when uploading that Baekhyun story!

I also thought of putting up my ko-fi link again. I stopped doing it for a while because I was pretty content, but as I started working, my financial needs rose up as well, due to travel, food etc etc. I am also really shooting to go to the JLPTs again and obtain the highest level (N1). For that, I need the books for it. I already bought the grammar book, so I need the vocab, kanji and reading so I can prepare and hopefully go try out the summer dates of the test!

It’s also a bit hard to update for me now not only because of school but also because of the house renovation. My desk is really cluttered from all the things I’ve had on shelves and my laptop has been connected to the TV for about three weeks now and has been exclusively used for Netflix ^^’ I did go back to writing into notebooks though, and I’m biting through a few of the requests. Who knows, maybe once I’m done, I will open them again!

Well now, after this super long essay, let’s enjoy the second part of the Kris story I have posted a while back!

If you need to refresh your memory, here is the first part! If you like what you read, you can support me on ko-fi!

♥

-

Everything burned and everything hurt. You didn’t remember when was the last time you were conscious for more than five minutes. The pain always knocked you out before you could go insane with it.

You could clearly remember that night... the dark alleyway... Kris’ mate crying into her phone, begging Kris to come and save you. 

The two vampires standing, ready to pounce. 

You stepping between the vampires and Kris’ mate.

And then the bite.

It was as if somebody suddenly poured acid into your veins and the blood carried it all over your body. It felt horrible. You wanted to die as you felt the ice cold fangs digging into you, sucking the life out of you.

It might’ve been gone in a few seconds, but it felt like hours to you.

They came and saved you. But it was too late, as you crumbled to the ground and you screamed in pain.

You felt someone, Chanyeol probably, picking you up and cradling you to him, but it didn’t do anything with the horrible pain that coursed through your body.

That’s when you blacked out the first time.

- 

The first time you came to was when you felt someone settle down next to you.

“Ch-Chan…” your voice was too raspy for you to continue, a coughing fit interrupting your question.

“It’s me, ___.” Answered the voice that did not belong to your mate. Kyungsoo wiped at your forehead, the wet cloth gathering the sweat that trickled down your face.

“What…what…happene-“

“You were bitten. It’s the werewolf genes and vampire saliva that’s making you hurt.” You whimpered as the washcloth trailed down your face onto your neck, to the bite mark. A strangled scream ripped through your throat when the cloth dabbed at the wound and you immediately cowered from the pack’s healer. You heard him apologize, but everything was pronounced so slow and the way your eyelids seemed to drop, you knew you were out of it once again.

-

“Alright, ___. We need to get some of the bad blood out. This is going to hurt a lot, so we’re going to do it by bits, alright?”

You slowly grew accustomed to the pain, you were beginning to understand how it worked, how it always came in waves at you. It could’ve been two days since Kyungsoo’s visit, but it could’ve been two weeks as well.

You nodded shakily, tilting your head to the side and revealing your neck to him. Kyungsoo sighed, placing everything he was holding onto the nightstand before looming over you, his lips on your neck.

“Try to hold on as long as possible…” he mumbled quietly, his breath ghosting over your skin, before his lips closed over the wound. The first suck had you arching against him in a scream, your fists bunching in his shirt. You screeched, pleading for him to stop, trashing from side to side. You could feel the lift slipping from you from every suck by Kyungsoo’s lips. It ended just a few seconds after, yet it felt like eternity.

Kyungsoo spit out the blood he held in his mouth, its color a washed out red and more yellow than anything else.

“You did great, ___.” Kyungsoo gently stroked your cheek, trying to somehow calm you down.

“Chan…” you coughed heavily after that.

“What was it, ___?”

“Where…is…Ch-Chan…Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo fell silent for quite a while after that. Every passing second was like a dagger to your heart.

“He’s out hunting. He left three days ago, he didn’t come back yet.” Kyungsoo told you and yet you somehow knew it was a lie. You swallowed the tears that crept up on you and nodded to the tense Kyungsoo.

“You should try to get some sleep, ___-ah. We’ll try to get out more tomorrow.” His voice was gentle as if he was talking to a child. You nodded again, the grip of consciousness already slipping past your hands.

The last thing you thought of was Chanyeol’s voice, desperately calling your name.

-

Chanyeol sighed as he walked through the door. His body was full of kinks and soreness that wouldn’t be able to go away even after extended rest. As if he could do that, anyway.

For the past few days, he hadn’t thought about anything else, but revenge. He spent the past three days hunting down a vampire coven, making sure he would get every and single one of those suckers.

He kicked off his muddy boots and entered the house, his jacket a bloody pool on the floor. As he passed the mirror, he noticed the deep bags under his eyes and hallowed face.

He was only a ghost of what he used to be. He felt it, in his skin, his bones, in his very form, something changed. And he didn’t know how he would bring it back.

-

They switched every day. At first, only Kyungsoo would come, but later on, Suho replaced the healer, calling in Jongin to hold you down while sucking out the poison. The day after, the two switched and after that, Minseok and Luhan took their turns in trying to make you feel better.

You had already filled a whole glass with the yellowish substance and your mind was free from the sticky mist that clouded your senses.

It had its downfall, as it made the pain of healing clearer and the realization that since the night you’ve been bitten, Chanyeol hasn’t seen you once. Not a single time you felt his presence beside you and that made you tear up.

You probably disgusted him. You were bitten. And broken. Who in the right state of mind would want a broken mate? You thought as Kyungsoo gave your neck one hard last suck.

“Kyungsoo…” you choked out, stuttering over the lump in your throat.

“Yes? What is it?” he answered after cleaning his mouth, the poison still rocking slightly in the cup.

“K-Kill me.” You sobbed, the tears sneaking up on you. You could almost feel Kyungsoo freeze.

“What?” he wanted to you repeat as he slipped his hands around yours. You gripped him desperately.

“Please, just…let me have it over with. Just kill me and let that be…it.”

“Are you crazy? What about Chanyeol?” his voice sounded as if he still didn’t believe what you were saying. You swallowed the lump in your throat and looked at the ceiling, illuminated by moonlight.

“He…he doesn’t care about me anymore.” You had to wait a moment after saying that to calm yourself down. It was far too painful.

“I don’t blame him, though.” You added with a smile, even through the tears.

“Who would want a mate that is tainted by the enemy?” Kyungsoo squeezed your hand, rubbing circles into your skin with his thumb.

“That is the stupidest thing I’ve heard, ___. And I’m in a pack with Jongin, which means I’m listening to stupidities on a daily basis.” You could hear the smile in his voice and you couldn’t help but to chuckle shortly.

“Chanyeol wants you all the time. NO matter how you act, look or feel.”

“Then why isn’t he here?” Kyungsoo was quiet for a long time, weighing out his options. IN the end, he sighed, shaking his head.

“I would like to know that, too.” He rubbed your hand some more. It wasn’t the same thing as being comforted by your mate, but it came close.

“Just go to sleep, ___. You did good today.” You squeezed Kyungsoo’s hand one last time, before slowly rolling on your side. You instinctively awaited Chanyeol’s arms wrapping around you and pull you to him, but that never came.

-

Before Chanyeol could sigh and slip off his jacket, he was shoved back by a furious looking Kyungsoo.

“You need to start taking care of your mate.” He growled in a low tone, his eyes flickering gold.

“I am.” Chanyeol mumbled under his breath, trying to keep his cool.

“I’m avenging her. Killing every motherfucker I can get my eyes on.”

“She doesn’t need that. She needs you. But you’ve been too much of a pussy to face her.”

“What?” Chanyeol hissed, his beast stirring. Kyungsoo’s face showed he was being serious about what he said.

“I said, you’re too much of a pussy to look at her. You need to start taking care of her.”

“Do you even know how it fucking feels like? Being in my place?” Chanyeol asked, his tone menacingly passive as he came closer to Kyungsoo.

“Do you know the fucking feeling, when the person you love the most, the person you would die for, gets hurt? Like that? In front of your own fucking eyes?!” Chanyeol’s growl gradually turned into roaring.

“Do you even know how I feel when I walk around the room and I hear her screaming? Because I was unable to help her? Do you know the feeling?”

“And do you fucking know what you’re doing to her now? Did you even know that she asked me to kill her yesterday?” Kyungsoo’s words were like a thousand daggers, stabbing into his heart. As he heard about your wish to die, his knees buckled.

“W-What?” Kyungsoo smiled grimly as Chanyeol’s shock-ridden state.

“She thinks you don’t want her anymore. She told me that you probably think of her as disgusting since she was bitten by a vampire.” Chanyeol sighed deeply, sliding down the wall he was leaning against.

“Fucking hell…” he muttered, running his fingers through his hair. Kyungsoo knelt down next to him, laying his hand on Chanyeol’s shoulder.

“Look, I’m not going to try to convince you that it wasn’t your fault. You wouldn’t listen to me anyways. But killing vampires won’t help her. She needs you close. She needs to know that she’s still wanted.” Chanyeol sighed, nodding. He was too weak to say anything else.

“The sucking of the poison is very painful for her. She needs her mate. If you would do it, the poison will be gone in a few days.” When Chanyeol still didn’t answer, Kyungsoo patted his back once more and he stood to leave.

“Kyungsoo…”

“Hmm?” he turned around to look at Chanyeol. Only then he noticed how the biting affected him. He looked like hell- there were big bags under his eyes, his clothing hung on his disappearing frame and his shoulders seemed slumped with eternal luggage.

“Thank you. For everything.” Kyungsoo smiled softly.

“We’re brothers, Chanyeol. I would do anything for you.” At this Chanyeol smiled slightly.

“Even so. Thank you so much.”

-

You stirred when your bed dipped with another weight settling on it. Your fever had gone up again, so you didn’t recognize what was happening until the unknown person cupped the back of your neck and tilted your head to the side. Your blood started running faster as you realized what’s happening.

“No, Kyungsoo…” you whimpered quietly, your fists balling into his shirt. The body seemed different from Kyungsoo’s though.

“Please, no more…” you tried to cover the wound by tilting your head, but he nudged it aside with his nose. As you tried to fight back, more weight settled over you.

“Calm down, ___-ah…” a low voice rumbled above you and you suddenly knew who it was.

“Chanyeol?” he answered you with a hum, as he lightly licked your neck. Your breath hitched and you wound your hands around his torso, bringing him close. Chanyeol swiped his tongue over the wound once more before he closed his lips around it, giving it an experimental suck. He shuddered when the bad blood entered his mouth, but it didn’t stop him from sucking harder. It was much different, the cleansing with your mate. It was almost pleasurable for the first seconds and you pushed him down onto you some more, panting quietly. Chanyeol paused a while to spit out the venom in his mouth before diving in for more. This time, it was more uncomfortable, and you squirmed against him, your hands bunching in his shirt and tugging on it, to pull him away. He stayed relentless though, as he sucked harder. The first hard suck was painful.

“Chanyeol…” you whimpered, squirming some more. Once again, he leaned away to spit out.

“One more time, baby.” He assured you, closing his mouth around the wound again.

It was painful the last time, just as it was with the others. You arched your back, trying to get him from you, you tried swinging your head from side to side, but Chanyeol’s hold on you was tight, not letting go until you actually screamed out.

He quickly spat out the remaining poison and had you in his arms in seconds, holding you against his chest securely.

“I’m so sorry, baby, I’m sorry…” he kept repeating in your hair, stroking it comfortingly.

It took a while for you to calm down and to realize that he was actually with you. After the week of separation, it seemed unnatural.

“I thought you didn’t want me anymore…” you mumbled under your breath, holding onto him tightly. He reciprocated the grip, kissing the crown of your head.

“Are you kidding me? You’re my mate. I warned you about this before you signed your soul- it’s a job for life.” You giggled tiredly- the cleansing always had a dizzying effect on you- maybe because you lost a lot of blood.

“Will you stay?” you asked, looking up at him. You didn’t let him have much of a choice. There was a small chance he would be able to get out of the grip you had on him, anyways.

“Forever.” He said, kissing your lips.

Something about Lo-Fi

I discovered it when I was linking up with Jimmy again. We took one of those trips when he put it on, and we went places. Places where we had to go, places we didnt want to go, places for the mind and soul.

And now this genre haunts me.

I read its certain types of lo-fi, that there are other types that deliver a different kind of feel. Still, I think it's the style of the genre as a whole, that sometimes, makes me feel ill. Perhaps I'm weak... I get a feeling in my chest. It doesnt relax me, it makes my head spin. I feel like I'm going to throw up, nauseated.

It's quite different from what I'm used to listening to, and it does make me feel. But I guess where I am today, I'm in a place where I dont necessarily want to feel. I kind of just want to scrape on by, just get on by. Feelings, I feel like I don't have time for. I'm so busy trying to do other things like holding it together, keeping myself composed, keeping myself from falling apart. Not caving into my weaknesses, my faults, my own pettiness.

This music, sometimes it scares me, almost like it forces me to confront myself and all the things I leave lingering. Sometimes it makes me think on my mistakes, which could be good, but at this point in time, not so, since I havent learned to forgive myself. I like to just forget and move on sometimes, time waits for no one I always say. So I just do what I can to put my best foot forward, and face the day.

Is it weird if I say it makes me anxious? Like anxiety has never been an issue for me. But the sounds, fill me at times with an interesting amount of uncertainty. Where am I going? Where will I end up? What will I do? What can I do? All kinds of questions pop into my head, as I gaze into a future that's so bleak. A foggy path before me, crossroads by the dozens, no clear road on this journey. Sometimes it weighs on me heavily, sometimes its fairly light. Being in my own head full of questions, knowing I'm not alright.

It almost makes me realize that like second nature, I say I'm fine, don't worry, I'm okay. But I'm not, as always. Sure, someone else has it worst than you right now. Sure, someone truly has to struggle hard. Still it doesnt change, that I'm deteriorating, coming undone. Always trying to be the strong one, it will build character you see. What doesnt kill you, makes you stronger...but do I have to constantly battle it?

I been thinking about this alot lately, I guess I'll post it here. Anime is keeping me afloat for now, with certain ideals. My Hero Academia, Boku No Hero Academia, it kind of keeps me going on. Typical shonen style stuff, building up to overcome. But it strikes my inner child, since I used to love heroes in every way. Batman, the power rangers, being the hero to save the day. The show is all about becoming a hero through your own philosophies and morals, becoming your best through whatever it is that drives you. Finding your limit, and still going beyond. Go Beyond, Plus Ultra, a mantra I've come to love so very much. Hard to apply in everyday life though. Still, as a character said, heroes can always break out of a tough spot. Its rough, its tough, but yes, ideally, I wish to realize my own version of a hero one day. Strengthening myself, building up myself, as Elliot Hulse would say, becoming the strongest version of yourself. I'm still growing, still learning, still admitting that I'm far from perfect. I guess the only difference is that I have yet to acknowledge that it's fine. As I struggle to try and find the light inside. My fire burns dim, where maybe once when I was young and foolish I was a brighter flame. Reality got to me, and alot has changed. People have come and gone, decisions not so smart were made. Life changing decisions came about, and people have been burned by unjust flames. Fires have ensued, worlds have crumbled, ties severed, links broken, things fell apart. Some by natural means and orders, others by my own accord. Regrets still reside here in me, and sometimes I hate myself so. Hindsight is 20/20, and theres always a lingering wish to go back and have things undone. I am still unsure if I have been forgiven, for being the foolish version of me. Unsure if there is scorn, for the actions I've taken then. Unsure, if anyone bears hatred for who I am and what I've done. It shouldnt matter depending on the subject, but I still dwell on it.

I have the same live playlist that was playing when me and jimmy had that talk, and some got me giving into the darkest parts of me. Others kept me writing, kept me going, keeping my mind spinning. So I suppose its true, its dependent on the beat that evokes a kind of mood. I'm interested now, to keep exploring while listening to these tunes. Perhaps I'll discover more, though if my mind keeps racing I'm unsure if I'll be able to sleep. I dont feel better, theres still a sense of unease. But I have been able to put my thoughts down, despite how scattered they are at the moment. My life, here and now, doesnt seem chaotic. But theres alot of things in me that sometimes makes it so. I'm always drained, I'm always tired, but that could be chalked up to my depression...

I dont have a counselor anymore, and workouts can hardly keep them at bay. I still find myself trying to fill the void, by purchasing material things. Still I find myself sheltered and cloistered in this home, on my off days it's how I recharge. For if not, its energy drinks galore and caffeine pills to keep the battery full. Running on empty it seems more often than not, but shit, to who do I speak on these things? It's not like I can just whip it out on the whim when talking casually. It's all about the environment and interaction, and who I'm speaking with. For most people, they dont need to hear about my ramblings. I'm unsure even if just talking about it would help, what if it makes it worst? I dont know the cure for my depression, I dont know what it will take for me to get over and done...

I'm envious, I used to think I wasnt. But now thinking, I am, I'm envious when I see the love and support some people get, that mine pales in comparison. Hella petty, hella fucked up, but it's true as I feel the chest pain inside. Yes, I am envious when I see people posting about how much they care about their friends, and I'm just left out and on the side. It's an old fact, I used to brush off those weekends of partying that I wasnt invited to, that I didnt need all that. I secretly wished I was included, that i was begged to make an appearance. A certain kind of validation I was seeking in others that I never saw in myself. A validation that I'm someone, someone who was cool, and people always wanted around. Popularity, something I always dreamed about having. I couldnt find the comfort in myself, I couldnt even love me. I still dont love me, hence I'm trying to change. Although i only know how to fix the physical, my spiritual and mental state still untamed.

One day perhaps, who truly knows? A wayward son, trying to find the cure for his soul...

It's getting late, until next time we'll see. Myself and Lo-Fi, it seems that I've made an interesting discovery...

The is a true story of what happened to me in January to February 2016. It shows a different side of childbirth. I'm not doing this for attention I'm telling my story as I want to raise awareness. What I had nearly killed me and my daughter and not enough is known about it. It's got stigma and that's not nice. No one wants stigma attached to them. Well, I feel ready to tell my story. In April 2015 I started being really ill, I was constantly tired and sick. I knew something wasnt right so I went to the doctors and in July I was sent for an ultrasound scan which confirmed I was 12 weeks pregnant with my first child. I was shocked but over the moon, I had taken four years to fall pregnant. The whole pregnancy was a walk in the park I gained 3 stone took asprin daily and was blooming. I had scans every month but we couldn't find out what we were having. Like any new mumma I bought everything, re did the nursery and put the crib next to my bed. I had shelves full of clothes and boxes filled with lotions. A new life was coming and I couldn't wait. On Wednesday 27th January after 50 hours of labour my beautiful daughter was born weighing 8.9 lbs.  Everything suddenly changed and I was fighting for my life I spent 3 hours in surgery having a blood transfusion. When I woke I learnt that I'd obtained a needle stick injury and my membranes had shattered.  I couldn't remember having a baby. I spent the day recovering and had my grandparents visit me. In the evening I discharged myself against medical advice. I went home and things where OK. The next day I developed elephant feet and could barely walk all I managed to do was breast feed, eat and sleep. On the Sunday night I started feeling odd, I thought I was being spied on and someone was out to harm me and my baby. I thought that someone was trying to frame me for hurting my baby, by using my finger prints. I remember bleaching all the door handle. On Monday morning, my mum took me to the doctors they said I had baby blues. I even went to get my daughter weighed and her heel prick test done at Buckland hospital and no one thought my behaviour was unusual. I drove there, parked up and pushed my daughter in her gorgeous pram into the waiting room. I could her voices and kept saying to the nurse I don't feel right, I'm hearing things. She dismissed it again as baby blues.  That evening I thought my daughter was being taking into care. The next day I started hearing knocks at the door but no one was there. As well as hallucinations I could smell things which didn't exist, I kept smelling poo, changed my daughter 20 times in 1 hour and kept scrubbing my house convinced it was dirty. On the Wednesday my step mum found my daughter and I naked about to get into scalding bath.  I wasnt myself. Again I was taken again to the doctors again baby blues. By this time I hadn't slept since Friday night not even an hour. On Thursday my step mum took me back to the doctors then everything changed. They made me walk to coleman house, a mental health unit. I was diagnosed with post partum psychosis.  Post partum psychosis can, has and will kill you with out medication. It causes hallucinations and  thoughts, for me I thought my daughter was dead and it's taken a long time to recover from this. Thursday evening I stayed at my dads house as I wasn't to be left alone with my baby. I couldn't breast feed anymore, which broke my heart. I  was too weak to hold her and I was getting messages telling me she was dying, again I didn't sleep and by this time I wasnt eating either. I ran 10 baths but refused to have one fearing the worst for my daughter. The crisis team was called twice as the medication to make me sleep never worked. Friday morning the crisis team turned up and as well as my grandparents who brought ham rolls to eat. I can't eat ham rolls again. The crisis team spent the day and to me I felt like they were offering me another baby instead of mine. At 9pm that evening I was sectioned under the mental health act and went to stay at St Martins hospital in Canterbury for 28 days. I wasn't allowed to see my baby during this time. Imagine that, giving birth then 11 days later your separated for a whole month. All the clothes I bought I never saw her wear, the cot left empty next to my bed. My life suddenly changed over night, my daughter went to life with my dad and step mum and I spent the next 28 days living with drug addicts, rapists,suicidal people and a lady who had dementia. When I arrived on the ward it was 9.30pm most people were watching television. On the news there was a couple who's baby had died from blood poisoning, I was convinced it was my baby. I kept saying to my dad and grandad that baby was dead. They had to go very soon after I arrived. I was shown my room. Then I was weighed, had an ECG of my heart and was given strong medication to make me sleep. I remember waking up four days later and a being thrown in the shower. Apparently I didn't refuse this time as I'd been packed lovely shower gel. I kept carrying around my daughter baby blanket holding it like a baby the other patients laughed at me, they didn't understand. I ate beans and sausage casserole despite hating baked beans it tasted so good. The second week on the ward I refused to eat until I saw my daughter. I was offered everything I didn't like. So I lived on apples and hot chocolate. During the second week I was taken to the Kent and Canterbury hospital for a CT head scan to check that there wasn't anything else going on. It was a lovely day and it was nice to finally get out of the ward. However it was also very embarrassing as I knew all the radiography staff from my training. I didn't want everyone knowning why I was there, luckily confidentiality is in place for a reason. I travelling there by taxi with one of the nursing staff and we waited 1hour in the waiting room. The nurse had her badges one so everyone knew I was being accompanied which made the situation even more embarrassing. My scan was over in 10 minutes and then we got another taxi back to the ward. The third week I started becoming better, I showered every day, wore makeup, starting doing my own washing and drying. I even went out in the garden with the occupational therapist.  I even managed to do so studying for my up coming university exam.  I had visitors which I looked forwards to every day at 4pm. My partner and I found it hard to talk as there wasn't any privacy. We ordered pizza and he showed me videos and pictures of our beautiful daughter. On 27th February I was given special leave for 2 hours to register the birth. It was brilliant I managed to go home and get some home comforts, changes of clothes, perfume and books. Over the following week I got healthier , was eating and sleeping. I read each day, it passed the time and was an escape. I also found colouring relaxing too. Then on the thursday my wish came true. The daughter I believed had died was placed in my arms again under direct supervision and only for 10 minutes. It was heart breaking watching her go again, but I knew she was alive. Whilst on the ward my good friend sue visited me as well as my dad, partner, grandparents, mum and heavily preganant sister. Thanks for visiting me I gave me hope during my darkest hours and the chocolate and smellies were amazing. So was our pizza nights. During this time my daughter grew into a beautiful baby. But there was only problem she didn't know her mumma. I slowly got better and after my dad collected me I finaly came home on 1st March 2016. The rest is another story.    

The is a true story of what happened to me in January to February 2016. It shows a different side of childbirth. I'm not doing this for attention I'm telling my story as I want to raise awareness. What I had nearly killed me and my daughter and not enough is known about it. It's got stigma and that's not nice. No one wants stigma attached to them. Well, I feel ready to tell my story. In April 2015 I started being really ill, I was constantly tired and sick. I knew something wasnt right so I went to the doctors and in July I was sent for an ultrasound scan which confirmed I was 12 weeks pregnant with my first child. I was shocked but over the moon, I had taken four years to fall pregnant. The whole pregnancy was a walk in the park I gained 3 stone took asprin daily and was blooming. I had scans every month but we couldn't find out what we were having. Like any new mumma I bought everything, re did the nursery and put the crib next to my bed. I had shelves full of clothes and boxes filled with lotions. A new life was coming and I couldn't wait. On Wednesday 27th January after 50 hours of labour my beautiful daughter was born weighing 8.9 lbs.  Everything suddenly changed and I was fighting for my life I spent 3 hours in surgery having a blood transfusion. When I woke I learnt that I'd obtained a needle stick injury and my membranes had shattered.  I couldn't remember having a baby. I spent the day recovering and had my grandparents visit me. In the evening I discharged myself against medical advice. I went home and things where OK. The next day I developed elephant feet and could barely walk all I managed to do was breast feed, eat and sleep. On the Sunday night I started feeling odd, I thought I was being spied on and someone was out to harm me and my baby. I thought that someone was trying to frame me for hurting my baby, by using my finger prints. I remember bleaching all the door handle. On Monday morning, my mum took me to the doctors they said I had baby blues. I even went to get my daughter weighed and her heel prick test done at Buckland hospital and no one thought my behaviour was unusual. I drove there, parked up and pushed my daughter in her gorgeous pram into the waiting room. I could her voices and kept saying to the nurse I don't feel right, I'm hearing things. She dismissed it again as baby blues.  That evening I thought my daughter was being taking into care. The next day I started hearing knocks at the door but no one was there. As well as hallucinations I could smell things which didn't exist, I kept smelling poo, changed my daughter 20 times in 1 hour and kept scrubbing my house convinced it was dirty. On the Wednesday my step mum found my daughter and I naked about to get into scalding bath.  I wasnt myself. Again I was taken again to the doctors again baby blues. By this time I hadn't slept since Friday night not even an hour. On Thursday my step mum took me back to the doctors then everything changed. They made me walk to coleman house, a mental health unit. I was diagnosed with post partum psychosis.  Post partum psychosis can, has and will kill you with out medication. It causes hallucinations and  thoughts, for me I thought my daughter was dead and it's taken a long time to recover from this. Thursday evening I stayed at my dads house as I wasn't to be left alone with my baby. I couldn't breast feed anymore, which broke my heart. I  was too weak to hold her and I was getting messages telling me she was dying, again I didn't sleep and by this time I wasnt eating either. I ran 10 baths but refused to have one fearing the worst for my daughter. The crisis team was called twice as the medication to make me sleep never worked. Friday morning the crisis team turned up and as well as my grandparents who brought ham rolls to eat. I can't eat ham rolls again. The crisis team spent the day and to me I felt like they were offering me another baby instead of mine. At 9pm that evening I was sectioned under the mental health act and went to stay at St Martins hospital in Canterbury for 28 days. I wasn't allowed to see my baby during this time. Imagine that, giving birth then 11 days later your separated for a whole month. All the clothes I bought I never saw her wear, the cot left empty next to my bed. My life suddenly changed over night, my daughter went to life with my dad and step mum and I spent the next 28 days living with drug addicts, rapists,suicidal people and a lady who had dementia. When I arrived on the ward it was 9.30pm most people were watching television. On the news there was a couple who's baby had died from blood poisoning, I was convinced it was my baby. I kept saying to my dad and grandad that baby was dead. They had to go very soon after I arrived. I was shown my room. Then I was weighed, had an ECG of my heart and was given strong medication to make me sleep. I remember waking up four days later and a being thrown in the shower. Apparently I didn't refuse this time as I'd been packed lovely shower gel. I kept carrying around my daughter baby blanket holding it like a baby the other patients laughed at me, they didn't understand. I ate beans and sausage casserole despite hating baked beans it tasted so good. The second week on the ward I refused to eat until I saw my daughter. I was offered everything I didn't like. So I lived on apples and hot chocolate. During the second week I was taken to the Kent and Canterbury hospital for a CT head scan to check that there wasn't anything else going on. It was a lovely day and it was nice to finally get out of the ward. However it was also very embarrassing as I knew all the radiography staff from my training. I didn't want everyone knowning why I was there, luckily confidentiality is in place for a reason. I travelling there by taxi with one of the nursing staff and we waited 1hour in the waiting room. The nurse had her badges one so everyone knew I was being accompanied which made the situation even more embarrassing. My scan was over in 10 minutes and then we got another taxi back to the ward. The third week I started becoming better, I showered every day, wore makeup, starting doing my own washing and drying. I even went out in the garden with the occupational therapist.  I even managed to do so studying for my up coming university exam.  I had visitors which I looked forwards to every day at 4pm. My partner and I found it hard to talk as there wasn't any privacy. We ordered pizza and he showed me videos and pictures of our beautiful daughter. On 27th February I was given special leave for 2 hours to register the birth. It was brilliant I managed to go home and get some home comforts, changes of clothes, perfume and books. Over the following week I got healthier , was eating and sleeping. I read each day, it passed the time and was an escape. I also found colouring relaxing too. Then on the thursday my wish came true. The daughter I believed had died was placed in my arms again under direct supervision and only for 10 minutes. It was heart breaking watching her go again, but I knew she was alive. Whilst on the ward my good friend sue visited me as well as my dad, partner, grandparents, mum and heavily preganant sister. Thanks for visiting me I gave me hope during my darkest hours and the chocolate and smellies were amazing. So was our pizza nights. During this time my daughter grew into a beautiful baby. But there was only problem she didn't know her mumma. I slowly got better and after my dad collected me I finaly came home on 1st March 2016. The rest is another story.