#i was squeaking when caleb went to astrid | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

meadowsofmay · 20 days

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i will never stop thinking about caleb spending eleven years in vergesson sanatorium and five years on the run. he was a teenager when he broke, losing his most formative years to the tutelage of a madman, no community or sense of connection to the world, and then locked away for most of his fucking twenties in a state of catatonia. he didn't have any more proper social experience, not even talking about community anymore, he didn't have a chance to properly grow and mature like a person in his twenties would. he just... skipped from seventeen to twenty eight.

no proper maturing, no chance to process whatever trauma he was subjected to, all those eleven years he was just nothing, still shocked and paralyzed 'till a cleric woman cleared his mind. and then there was rage. this rage led him to kill, even if in order to run away. his stages of processing and dealing with trauma and guilt are rather emotional, seem to be not thought out enough and at the same time he thought about what happened too much. he understands everything and nothing at the same time.

his mourning for his parents is fresh.

his mourning for his, and astrid's and eadwulf's, childhood is still fresh.

he didn't have time to grieve before. and now he grieves constantly because five years is not enough to come to terms with the cruelty he was subjected to. because after sixteen years there are still volstruckers born and he searches for hope in them, hope for redemption and sees none and his process of reaching atonement begins all over again.

because all these sixteen years astrid and eadwulf lived, conscious and growing and maturing and yet, still those whom bren failed to become. and they had time, so much time to think, to wonder — to come to terms with, to become numb, to learn how to live with all this guilt and to convince themselves that it was for greater good. they had time to build walls and create masks, because they had to, because they might break like bren if they hadn't.

i know blumendrei two episodes and a comic book and they are already so special to me.

#may watches the mighty nein #ep 88 #ep 89 #i wasn't alright when eadwulf was introduced #i was squeaking when caleb went to astrid #and all of them calling him bren #my heart breaks #and genuinely astrid's speech is disturbing #this poor woman is still a victim of trent's and she is just waiting for him to perish to be free and it's sad #blumendrei are genuinely sad #caleb widogast #astrid becke #eadwulf grieve #blumendrei #blumentrio #liam o'brien #matt mercer #the mighty nein #critical role

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