#i was gonna hunker down and spend all day studying after my class tomorrow but i can't because i have a fucking appointment
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#im on the verge of a complete breakdown.#im too stupid for university and there's no one i can talk to.#i don't know what to do#im so overwhelmed and im getting c's at best#im trying so fucking hard but nothings working#i don't have the time to have a relationship AND go to university at the same time#i feel so horrible and i can't stop fucking crying#i was gonna hunker down and spend all day studying after my class tomorrow but i can't because i have a fucking appointment#nobody seems to fucking get it#my partner got fixing straight a's when he was in uni and he's just so fucking smart and i can't seem to hit the mark#i always knew i was stupid#never realized i was this stupid#im not like suicidal suicidal#but its definitely seeming appealing rn
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Chapter 6: Study-hard
It had been a couple of weeks since the tribal gathering, but Grace had been slammed with finals prep before the winter break. There was at least one downside to stacking all of those AP classes and that was the massive amount of work it took to pass her finals and finish her term papers in time.
Jacob had tried to call her a few times over the first week, but she had been so swamped that she had had to decline the calls that Charlie had answered while she was hunkered down in her bedroom sifting through notes and furiously typing on the desktop.
Bella was making her way through a load of work she hadn’t gotten to since the incident, but she was by no means rushing. All of the air had gone out from her, and in her deflated state, school work was the last of her worries. She’d been putting in more hours at Newton’s store lately, probably to stay out of the house and out from under Charlie’s worried stare.
Grace pulled Bella into her study circle so they could bounce productively off one another and they spent most days after school in the library or upstairs in their room together.
Two weeks after the tribal council meeting, Charlie knocked on their partially opened bedroom door, holding the cordless phone in his hand with a sigh. It was Sunday night and Grace was in the study zone. She glanced up quickly before turning her eyes back to the computer. Her hair was held up by a single pencil in a loose, curled bun. She was wearing wide black framed glasses and a dark green Westmoore High sweatshirt and thick white sweatpants. She had layered the necklace elder Ti’hal had given her the night of the tribal council meeting so that it ringed three strands around her neck and held the black stone just at her collarbone. Jacob’s bracelet was wrapped firmly around her wrist and she played with the loose ends every now and then.
“Tell him I’ll call him back,” she said softly, pouring over a textbook next to her. Charlie held the receiver to his ear.
“Jake, she-” he paused for a minute, “Alright, hold on.” he turned back to Grace, “He says you said that last time and the time before that and the time before that. He’s not taking no for an answer.”
Grace sighed, irritated and held her hand out. Charlie stepped forward and handed it over with a sigh of relief.
“No.” Grace said into the receiver. Charlie did a double take and turned to look at her. She held the phone back out to Charlie. She could hear loud protesting from Jake and stifled a giggle. She wasn’t trying to make him mad or stress him out, but at this moment, school came first.
Grace shook the receiver at Charlie who grabbed it back with a grumble and held the phone to his ear. In the background, Bella let out a chuckle. Charlie’s eyes lit up with surprise at the tinkling sound coming from Bella. She shook her head smiling and turned back to her work.
“Yeah, Jake, no. She’ll have to call you back.” Charlie said over the protest. “It’s finals Jake, they’ll be done in a week. Okay, okay. Yeah, okay.” Charlie trailed off down the hallway trying to talk Jake down and Grace fell back into her work. She could hear a muffled conversation going on downstairs for the next couple of minutes but paid no mind.
The next few days it was quiet from Jacob. Maybe he had gotten the message finally. She was enjoying spending some time with Bella. While she wasn’t her normal self by any means, her quiet company was comforting to Grace and allowed her to focus.
On Wednesday, Bella skipped out early on their study session for her shift at Newton’s, leaving Grace on her own to study under the warm glow of her desk lamp. She put her over ear headphones on and listened to her tried and true study playlist, making headway. She lost all track of time but the early descending darkness was deceiving. It must have been no later than 7pm, but the sky made it look like it was midnight.
It was then that Grace was startled and let out a gasp as she saw a hoodie-clad Jake climbing clumsily through her window and knocking over the huge stack of books on her nightstand. He was already through the window and standing up when Grace hurriedly whispered “Jake what the hell!”
“Grace?” Charlie called from downstairs. Always the in-tune police chief.
“I’m fine! Just knocked over some books.” She called out her door before quietly shutting it. While this was still just Jacob, she was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to be climbing through her window on a school night in the pitch black.
“Sorry,” Jake whispered with a jerking shrug of his shoulders. He bent to scoop up the books with his broad hands and placed them haphazardly back on her nightstand. He turned to look at her and her face was still one of shock, mouth hanging open, speechless.
“What was I supposed to do?! You haven’t been returning my calls, you haven’t been down to the rez-” Jacob said hurriedly above a whisper.
“SHHH!” Grace’s eyes widened as she rushed up to him and clamped a small hand over his mouth. His skin was extraordinarily warm. Had he gotten taller? He was a good half a foot taller than her at her admirable 5’8”, but still. Even the cut of his jaw felt stronger. She blushed ever so slightly.
“Do you want me to get in trouble? I’m like 1000% sure you’re not supposed to be in here right now.” She looked at him expectantly to answer, but realized after he raised his eyebrows and pointed at his still covered mouth that he couldn’t. She lowered her hand but had it at the ready.
“I’m sorry, I was just worried and it’s Charlie. He’s not going to care.” Jacob whispered.
“Okay, there’s a big difference between Jacob, downstairs, in the light of day, and a boy with mysterious motives in my bedroom at night behind a closed door,” Grace hissed.
“To be fair, you closed the door,” Jacob countered. Grace groaned.
“Jacob!”
“What does he think we’re going to do!?” Jacob shot back. A tense, awkward silence fell between them and all at once Grace didn’t want to answer that question. She blushed profusely and saw a little color rise to Jacob’s face as well. She took a step back from him and returned to her chair.
“Jacob, you should go. I really am studying. I have two term papers due this Friday, an exam tomorrow, and three more next week. Then I’m done and we can hang out over winter break. I promise.” She pulled her leg up under her and propped herself up over her books. Jacob sunk to her bed and leaned back against it, discarding his shoes. “Okay, that’s the opposite of leaving.”
“We can hang out now, I won’t bother you, I’ll just read one of these intensely thick books and stay quiet and you can just...do your thing.” He shrugged and grabbed “A Picture of Dorian Gray” from the stack and cracked it open. Grace let out a huff and turned back to her work.
He kept his word. For the next hour as Grace meticulously wrote out additional flash cards and flipped through notes and highlighted extra snippets of information, he stayed quiet. His soft breathing became her background and she relied on it’s even, steady rhythm to guide her. She felt warm. She felt happy.
After the hour, she gathered her flashcards up and climbed out of her chair and onto the end of the bed pushing Jake’s legs aside.
“Okay, quiz me.” she set the flash cards before him and he sat up eager to please, pulling the cards toward him and discarding the book.
“Okay, Grace Study-hard Alo-”
“Not my middle name, but okay,” she interjected.
“Let’s see what you got.” He cleared his throat and Grace laughed. “What was the Enlightenment?” His voice took on the lilt of poorly practiced game show host.
“The rebirth of intellectual thought and philosophy and it complemented the Scientific Revolution that focused on the hard sciences.”
“Very good, extra credit.”
“That’s not-”
“Next question! How were the works of Ancient Greece and Rome preserved?”
“Monks made dedicated copies that they created by hand. However, in hand copying, there could be altering of ideas, thoughts, and practices.”
“That would suck to have to write that all by hand.”
“Jake,” Grace protested.
“Okay okay!” he cleared his throat again.
As they worked through the entirety of her flashcards, Jake cracked jokes that made Grace peal with laughter despite her best efforts to stay serious. She got most of them right and once they finished, Jacob gave out an exaggerated breath of exhaustion and flopped back onto the bed. Grace sat up next to him at the top of her bed, while he relaxed on her pillows, one arm up under his head. He peered up at her as she worked her way through the cards she didn’t remember and made some edits.
“How do you remember all this stuff?” Jacob asked curiously. At this point Charlie had probably gone to bed and Bella would be home soon. Grace wasn’t worried about speaking in a whisper now.
She shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s just weird information that gets stuck there. It’s on a need to know basis, I guess. And I need to know this stuff right now, so it just stays there.”
“You’re gonna do great,” Jacob said, yawning some and letting his eyes close. Grace yawned in return and slumped down a little on her bed next to him so that she was half sitting, half laying down.
Grace spoke under breath, quizzing herself as Jacob’s even breath slowed. Grace hadn’t realized that she too fell asleep until low light creeped through her window in the early morning hours. She stirred some and realized her desk lamp had been turned off. She looked over at Bella’s bed and saw her sleeping there peacefully, for once. When Grace turned over, she softly gasped as she came face to face with Jacob’s sleeping form.
He was facing her, an arm draped over her waist and a slice of black hair fell over his sleeping face. As he exhaled softly, she could see his lips parted ever so slightly. She felt a squeeze in her heart as she brushed the swath of hair away from his face. Grace let herself stare at him peaceful like this for just a moment longer before she sat up and gently shook his shoulder.
“Jake...Jake wake up,” he groaned softly and pulled at her waist trying to bring her back down and press her to him but she pried his hand off from around her and shook him harder. “Jake wake up. We fell asleep, Billy’s probably worried sick about you.”
Jacob’s dark eyes opened, and Grace didn’t think she’d ever seen anything so beautiful before in her life. “Grace?” he yawned. “What time is it?”
“It’s like 5:30 in the morning. You should go.” She shot a look over to Bella’s stirring form.
“Okay.” he whispered back and slowly hauled himself from her bed and put on his boots.
“You’re not climbing back out the window, come on.” Once he was upright, she crawled out of her bed, took his hand and guided him to the door. She cracked it open and peered out and around to check that the coast was clear. Jacob stood half awake behind her, but was seemingly awake enough to interlace his fingers with her, a way of bringing her closer. She gently pulled him out into hall once she was satisfied with the silence and padded softly down the stairs and to the front the door. When she pulled it open, the cold air rushed over her and Jacob quickly perked up, he crossed the threshold still holding her hand and let it go only at the last moment when he said,
“Good luck on your test today. I’ll see you soon?” He gave her a soft, teasing smile.
“Yes, very soon, I promise. But Jacob, you can’t sleep over like that again, we’re gonna get in trouble.” Grace warned, crossing her arms tightly in front of her to keep warm.
Jake let out a guffaw nodded, and stepped toward her, taking her off guard before quickly kissing the top of her head. Before she realized what had happened, he was jogging down the front steps and off toward the Rabbit. Grace stood planted in place, glued to the spot by the effortless affection bestowed upon her. What was that? Jacob was her best friend, but did this mean something different?
Suddenly, she was overcome with exhaustion and closed the door quietly before bolting quietly up to her room and under the covers. The sheets still held onto his soft, warm, scent that was a mix of fir trees, spice, and crisp sea air. She fell asleep, crushing the pillow he had slept on to her and woke up an hour later to bright sunshine. When she sat up and felt the bed around her, it dawned on her that she had had a boy in her bed. Not just any boy, but Jacob Black. She put her face in her hands and shook her head back and forth, not sure how to feel.
Bella was up, but hadn’t crawled out of bed and was peering out at the sun with eyes clouded in gloom. Sunny days were two parts hard, one part easy for Bella. It was the most realistic day that she would have spent without Edward normally and that brought her comfort. But on the other hand it only accentuated his absence.
“Bella?” Grace called from her bed. Bella slowly turned to her and gave her a smile.
“Was Jake here last night?” she asked nonchalantly as if she had a boy in her room at night all the time like it was no big deal.
“Uh, yeah.” Grace squirmed, “He barged in and then stayed to help me study and we kind of fell asleep.” Bella just nodded her head appreciatively and got up to go to the bathroom. Before she left the room, Grace said hurriedly:
“Don’t tell Charlie.”
“Of course.” Bella confirmed as if this was the most obvious answer in the world.
#twilight#twilightfanfic#fanfiction#jacobxoc#the cullens#edward cullen#new moon#bella swan#jacob black#the pack#a monster lives here
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Moonlit Masquerade: Shades of Autumn
Luz is early today. She’d been getting to school earlier and earlier as the weeks have worn on.
She always has been an early riser, just not an early to do anything after she got up, person. More content to lay in bed, enjoying the quiet of the morning till her alarm actually went off and she was forced to get up.
But Amity gets to school early, so Luz does too, of course.
Any extra time spent with her paramour Is enough to get her moving, even at the crack of dawn.
The air is cool and crisp with the onset of fall. The trees have begun to change color, though to her it’s strange to see because the foliage in the Isles is already such varying shades aside from the green she’s used to, the only way she can really tell is because the ones she sees every day outside the owl house or on the way to school have begun to change hue and flake off the branches. Greens are turning red and brown while the reds wilt into bright yellows. The woods are a rainbow of hues; she likes it.
Even if it is a constant reminder.
She takes a deep breath of the cool air and grins as she jogs towards the school, some fallen leaves crunching under her steps.
As she runs up the path to Hexside she quickly spots her girlfriend’s head of mint green hair near the steps, she grins and makes a beeline straight for her.
She’s talking to Gus and Willow who are apparently also early today.
“Hey, guys!” She smiles brightly as she comes to a skidding halt in front of them.
Hey, Luz.“ Gus and Willow grin and wave.
“Buenos dìas, mi amor.” She nudges Amity with her hip, who pinks a little but smiles at her tenderly. She’s spent enough time with Luz over the last month and a half to have started picking up some Spanish and it’s only when Luz starts her rapid, spitfire rambling in the language that she gets hopelessly lost, but she’s trying. She wants to learn, for Luz and for herself. She’d like to be able to say whatever she wants to her without fear of people overhearing things they shouldn’t.
It’s slow work, but Luz is all too happy to help her learn, even when she giggles at the stilted, choppy way Amity says things. Rolling her ‘R’s is another thing she’s having difficulty with.
She may have also managed to get a hold of a handy little Spanish to English dictionary, courtesy of Eda, from her pile of human trash. She’s been studying it in her spare time, hoping to surprise her girlfriend with things she hasn’t yet taught her.
“Morning…” She hesitates, hoping she’s not going to butcher this, “querida.”
Luz chokes on her own spit as her face turns red and Amity feels rather proud of herself, having brought her chatty girlfriend to stupefied silence.
“What’s going on?” Gus whispers to Willow who just smiles.
They’ve become pretty accustomed to Luz and Amity’s somewhat new dynamic since they started dating and all the strange, sometimes hard to follow conversations the two have. Though without any context Willow thinks she knows what’s going on.
She’s also picked up a little of Luz’s other language, and while she doesn’t know ‘amor’ or ‘querida’ the faces the two make tells her all she needs to know about the nature of these words and she rolls her eyes at the couple.
“They’re just being sappy, don’t worry about it.
“Oh…” Gus nods.
“Where did you learn that?” Luz finally sputters, still red-faced, and Amity grins, and maybe it’s a Blight sibling thing, but she winks and Luz feels like she might just melt into a puddle of human goo. She only thought she got flustered whenever one of the twins winked at her, this was a whole nother level entirely.
“If you two are done…,“ Willow started, drawing the couples embarrassed gazes. “I heard the Autumn festival is going to be in town this weekend, we should all go.”
“Yeah!” Luz quickly agreed before stopping. “What’s The Autumn festival?” she asks and Willow laughs while Amity can only roll her eyes fondly.
“It’s like a carnival but with autumn-themed food and games and all kinds of fun stuff,” Gus explains, bouncing excitedly on the balls of his feet and Luz joins him in excited fidgeting.
“Count me in!” Luz pumps a fist before turning to look at her girlfriend imploringly. Amity’s lips twitch at the large, pleading eyes now turned on her. Luz is the only one with this kind of power over her. Not that she would have turned down the opportunity to spend an afternoon with her and their friends.
“Sounds like fun,” she agreed.
Luz and Gus cheer, high-fiving while Amity and Willow share a look.
They talked a little while longer before the bell rang and they all had to make their way to class.
It was Thursday, and Luz had Bard and Oracle track classes today, so she bid farewell to her friends as she and Amity walked down another hall. Abominations were only one hall down from the bard hall.
When they stopped in front of the entrance to the bard’s hall Amity grabbed her arm.
“I won’t be able to meet you today, my mom wants me to come straight home after school.” She frowned and Luz resisted the urge to pout, she knew Amity didn’t like it anymore then she did so she simply nodded.
“It’s okay, I’ll see you tomorrow and I’ll message you tonight.” She smiled and Amity’s frown vanished in the face of it. She wanted very badly to close the short distance between them and lay a quick kiss on her mouth but there were students all around them, though none close enough to hear them.
“I’ll be waiting for it, querida.” she grinned as she walked away from her again short-circuiting girlfriend.
~ ~ ~
Luz was worried
She’d waited until sometime after dinner before sending Amity a message on her scroll as she laid in bed. Usually, Amity replied within a few minutes.
She’d waited a few hours, checking her scroll periodically, eventually feeling antsy and moving about the house.
Eda and Lilith seemed to pick up on her behavior pretty quickly as she wandered around the kitchen and living room, frowning.
“Is something the matter, Luz?” Lilith was the first to ask.
“Hmm, Amity hasn’t messaged me back yet and it’s been four hours…,” she mumbled, plopping down on the floor, opposite the couch where the sisters were sitting.’
“That’s it? Your girlfriend hasn’t messaged you back yet?” Eda cocked a brow. “You were wandering around here looking like someone was being murdered.” She crossed her arms.
“You don’t understand, Eda!” She threw up her hands. “She’s never not responded to me before… and her mom wanted her to come home right after school today… I’m worried.” She glanced down at her still silent scroll.
The women shared a look before turning back to Luz.
“I’m sure it’s gonna be okay, kid. If her mom wanted her home it must have been for something, she’s just busy.” Eda tried to comfort her apprentice.
“Surely if something were wrong she would have messaged you first,” Lilith followed up.
“Yeah, kids head over heels for you. If she needed you, she’d let you know.”
“Hmm, I guess…,” Luz grumbled.
Eda frowned at the glum look on her kid’s face and stood.
“Come on Luz, let’s go get ice screams,” she said, ruffling the girl’s head as she walked over to the door.
A tiny smile pulled at her lips at what she knew Eda was trying to do. They were probably right, Amity had a tighter schedule than most adults she knew, she was probably just busy.
“Okay” She hopped up to join Eda at the door.
“King, let’s go, we’re getting Ice screams!” she yelled, and upstairs a loud squeal of excitement echoed back. “You too, Lilly.” Eda jerked her head.
“Very well.”
~ ~ ~
Luz was very worried now as she walked quickly to school.
Amity had never returned her message and according to the little text next to it, she had never even read it.
That was not like her and it made Luz’s stomach tight with worry.
She shot right out of the house as soon as she had gotten dressed when she’d checked her scroll to still see no sign of Amity.
Students were milling about the front of the building. If she wanted to avoid people Amity would get to school just before the bell rang so she could use it as an excuse. She’s done it a couple of times since they started dating, though never to Luz.
Just as she predicted, she could see her girlfriends bright green head as she walked toward Hexside’s main steps.
“Amity!”
She froze stiff at the call, but she didn’t look like she was going to try and run.
“Hey! I was worried about you, you never messaged me back last night.” She stopped at Amity’s side so their conversation was hushed as kids walked by them.
“Sorry, Luz… I got busy last night, I didn’t mean to worry you…” She turned to look at her with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
Luz noticed it immediately.
Amity’s hair was a bright new shade of mint and the auburn roots Luz adored were gone, now the same shade as the rest of her hair.
“Your hair…,” Luz mumbled and Amity clutched her books tighter to her chest. She knew Luz would notice right away. She didn’t know why she thought she could avoid this.
Luz pursed her lips as she looked at the uniform color and remembered what Amity had told her about it. She’d held her tongue before about the subject, but this clearly caused her girlfriend distress if the way her hunched shoulders and the way she couldn’t meet Luz’s eyes meant anything.
“Did your mom make you re-dye your hair last night?” She knew she hit the nail on the head because as soon as the sentence left her mouth Amity flinched, hunkering in even further.
“Yes,” she answered after a long moment, just as the bell rang. “I gotta go.” She tried to walk away but Luz grabbed her shoulder.
“Amity, wait…”
“I really don’t want to talk about this right now, Luz.” She pulled away and ran inside leaving Luz to watch her go from the bottom of the steps with a frown.
Her stomach was churning with worry for Amity and anger at her girlfriend’s mother. She’d never met Mrs. Blight, but she knew already without a doubt, she didn’t like her.
~ ~ ~
Amity could hardly pay attention to her classes. She was mad at herself.
She knew eventually her roots were going to reach a point where her mother was going to ‘suggest’ that she fix it. She knew by the length that the time was approaching and she should have told Luz about it, knowing that she would notice right away and that she knew her and her mother’s… secret agreement, if that was what she wanted to call it. Amity sniffed at that.
Even Ed and Em didn’t know why she colored her hair, they’d teased her mercilessly about it after the first time, saying that if she wanted to be like them she’d have to try harder then that.
Hell, she wasn’t sure her father even knew. Having inherited her warm auburn hair from him, he’d seemed a little disappointed after the first time her mother had ‘asked’ her to color it, in that cloying sweet way that meant she wasn’t really asking.
She sighed to herself, she hadn’t meant to ignore Luz last night, but having her hair recolored had put her in a very bad mood and she didn’t think she’d have been good company.
Then this morning… she groaned quietly.
Of course, Luz would be able to put two and two together and see that she was upset. She always was the first couple of days after having her hair fixed. She really shouldn’t have blown her off though. She would send her a message later, apologizing.
There wasn’t much she could do about her hair. She wished she could just let it be the color it was; It frustrated her.
When class mercifully ended she took her time gathering her things. She knew in the back of her mind it was just to avoid Luz, even though she really wanted to see her.
After last night she just wanted to let her girlfriend hold her. She was always happiest and at peace whenever the human wrapped her arms around her and let her just bury her face into her neck.
But Luz also asked too many questions and felt righteous, indignant anger for others much too strong to simply ignore this, it was one of the things Amity loved about her. She cared so much, but this was something beyond her, and Amity needed to find a way to explain it to her so she would let it go.
Luz thought the emperor was tough? She’d never met Odalia Blight and if Amity had her way, she never would.
She was walking down the quiet empty halls tiredly when a classroom door swung open and someone grabbed her pulling her inside. She didn’t even have time to cry out as the door shut and she was standing in the middle of an empty classroom.
“It’s just me!” Luz quickly soothed her panic.
“Luz!” Amity hissed. “What are you doing?” She held a hand to her chest over her rapidly beating heart.
“Sorry, I was waiting for you.”
“You could have just waited outside for me…,” Amity grumbled.
“So you could take off running the second you saw me?” Luz frowned, not glaring but it was a very stern look that made Amity frown guiltily.
“I’m sorry…,” she mumbled.
“Don’t be sorry, just talk to me, Amity” Luz pleaded. “I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me, amor”
“You can’t help with this, Luz.” she shook her head, looking at the floor. “This is just… something I have to do… I know you want to help but you can’t. So please, can you just forget about it?”
“No!” Luz flings out her arms. “How can I just ignore it when it makes you like this?!” Luz can’t understand why Amity just can’t talk to her about this.
Maybe she can’t do anything, but she’s there for Amity to lean on even when she needs her, when she’s hurting, even when they can’t do anything about it.
She doesn’t have to shove it all down and pretend she’s not bothered when she clearly is.
Frustration is bubbling up in Amity’s stomach like a boiling cauldron. Why can’t Luz understand that this is just something she has to do?
“It’s just hair, Luz!” She’s not shouting but it’s much louder than it needs to be.
“If it was just about hair then you wouldn’t be so upset and miserable about it!” Luz’s tone also raises. “You wouldn’t be hiding from me!”
“It doesn’t matter, I have to do this, you don’t know what my mother is like!” she is yelling now.
"I would if you would just explain it to me!” She shouts back, just as loud.
Amity turns away from her, shaking. She hates this, hates how angry she is, hates her mother, and that Luz can’t just let this go. Just this once, she wished she didn’t care so much.
Luz frowns. This wasn’t at all how she had wanted this to go. She takes a breath, calming herself.
“Hey, it’s okay… maybe I don’t get it…” Luz starts quietly and reaches out a hand towards Amity’s shaking shoulder. “But my mom…”
Amity is just so frustrated by everything she spins around to face her surprised girlfriend and snaps:
“Stop, your right, you don’t get it and your mom isn’t here!“
Brown eyes go wide and the hurt couldn’t be clearer.
Just like that, all her frustration drains out of her and she wants nothing more than to take the words back, pull them back and swallow the vile things before they leave her mouth, but she can’t. They’re out there now and she has to live with that.
Live with the deafening silence that fills the empty classroom as she and Luz stare back at each other with wide eyes, gold filled with horror and brown with shock and hurt
Her stomach drops into her feet as Luz’s lips begin to tremble and her eyes turn glassy.
She wants to say something, anything, but for the life of her, she can’t get her mouth to form the words.
Luz bursts, choking on a sob before she turns and runs, wrenching the door open. It slams against the wall, the bang echoing through the room as she flees down the hall.
"Luz!” Amity calls finally able to make her body respond and she runs after her, but Luz is fast, much faster then Amity realized as she bursts out of the schools front doors in time to see the other girl vanishing into the woods at the edge of the school grounds, she stops at the bottom of the steps, helplessly watching her girlfriend disappear from sight amid the trees.
“Amity!?” She looks to see Gus and Willow, standing at the edge of the steps looking at her with concerned faces. No doubt they had seen Luz run by sobbing.
“What happened!?” Willow asks.
“What did you do!?” Gus accuses, pointing a finger at her and glaring.
‘I…” she stammers, then bites her lip and after a long minute trying to form coherent thoughts, she slowly explains what happened. The two friends’ faces change from shock to outrage and alarm by the time she’s done.
“Why would you say that?!” Willow is all but shouting at her as Gus crosses his arms and glares as if she didn’t already feel bad about what she’d said to Luz.
“I don’t know!” she wails. “It was stupid and cruel and I don’t know! I didn’t mean to, I was just frustrated, she wouldn’t drop it and it just came out…” She buried her face in her hands miserably.
Willow is pinching the bridge of her nose beneath her glasses. She knows what she’s about to say is going to make Amity feel so much worse, but it needs to be said.
“You don’t know how cruel…,” she starts and Amity is looking at her with worried eyes at the miserable tone of her voice. “Summer is over Amity, Luz was supposed to go home almost two weeks ago…,” she trails off and Amity’s mind shifts gears, spinning into overdrive as she takes in the meaning of those words, understanding slapping her in the face.
“Oh… oh, Titan, no!” She covers her mouth with her hands but the horror In her eyes is clear. In the midst of the cloudy haze of their blossoming relationship, Amity had lost track of the days.
Somewhere in the human world, a mother is desperately searching for her missing daughter and Luz knows this, Amity, Willow, and Gus know this, and Amity had only, no matter how unintentionally, dug the knife in deeper.
Her knees are on the verge of giving out and she drops on the bottom step before they can buckle of their own accord.
“Why am I so terrible!” Amity shouts, reaching up to pull at her hair, shame is the only thing she can feel and it makes bile threaten to rise up her throat; she thinks she’s about to be sick as water pools in the corners of her eyes.
Willow sighs and kneels down on the ground in front of her, thinking about what to say.
“You’re not terrible, Amity,” she said slowly. “I know you didn’t mean it and I’m sure Luz knows it to…”
“I hurt her…” Amity whimpers, and she’s never been so disappointed in herself as she is at this moment, knowing that she’s hurt the one person she cares about more than anything.
Willow and Gus share a look before turning back to the girl cracking too pieces in front of them.
“You can still fix this, Amity.” Willow reaches up and lays a comforting hand on the trembling girl’s shoulder. “You need to talk to her, now.” Willow impresses the urgency upon her.
She nods, wiping away the tears that are threatening to fall and she stands.
“I gotta go…” she takes off toward the owl house without another word.
When she’s finally standing in front of the house she’s panting, having run all the way.
She takes a moment to get her breath back before walking up to knock on the door. Hooty is strangely quiet as he looks at her from his place in the door.
After a moment it opens and the owl lady is standing there looking at her with a frown.
“Is Luz here? she asks, trying not to cower as Eda looks down at her.
Eda simply regards her for another few seconds before saying anything.
“Yeah, ran through here crying. Your doing, I take it?” It’s not really a question.
“Can I talk to her…, please?” She’ll beg if she has to. She has to make this right.
Eda continues to stare at her for the longest few seconds of Amity’s life before she steps aside and Amity shoots through the door and up the stairs, not even acknowledging King or Lilith sitting on the couch.
Luz’s door is closed but she can hear her quiet muffled crying through the door and it tears at her heart. She lifts her hand to knock but hesitates, and swallows, but her mouth is dry.
Finally, she taps on the door and the cries quiet.
“Not now, Eda…” her voice is quiet and it cracks. Amity takes hold of the handle, gripping it tightly before pushing it open.
It’s dim in the room, stray beams of light are streaming through the drawn curtains, just enough that she can see.
Luz is curled up on her bed, facing away from her.
She must have heard the door open.
“I just wanna be alone, Eda,” she choked quietly.
Amity licks her dry lips.
“Luz”
The girl goes still before her cries pick up again, though she’s trying to muffle them.
Amity’s feet are heavy as she walks across the room, but hesitates at the bedside, not sure what to do with herself.
Finally, she settles for kneeling on the floor, so her face is level with Luz, hands holding onto the edge of the mattress. The old, worn wood bites into her knees but she ignores it.
“Luz…, I am so sorry,” she finally says. “I didn’t mean to say that… or to yell at you… I was just frustrated and I know that’s no excuse for it, I just…” she chokes back her own tears. “I’m sorry, I’m just so sorry.” It’s all she can say as she stares at her girlfriend’s quaking back, tears dripping down her cheeks. Her head drops and she clenches her eyes shut as more tears fall, dripping off her chin to the floor, leaving little wet circles in the dry wood.
She stays right there for several long minutes before the bed shifts and she looks up.
Luz has rolled over to face her, staring back at her with wet, red-rimmed eyes.
She’s still crying as she holds up an arm and Amity stares back at her with wide eyes.
“C'mere,” she croaks and Amity scrambles into the bed, wedging one of her arms between Luz and the mattress to squeeze her close, burying her face into her chest.
Luz’s grip on her is just as tight as she nuzzles her face into bright green hair.
They just lay there for a while as their tears slow, eyes closed
They don’t hear the Clawthorne sisters outside the door.
“Edalyn!” Lilith hisses as she follows her sister down the hall to Luz’s room. “Do you honestly think they’re in there making out again?!” She asks with quiet outrage.
“After last week I’m just checking!” she hisses back. “They know the rules, door open!” she says quietly.
Lilith rolls her eyes, scowling. “Luz was in tears!”
“I know. Do you know how many crying people I’ve 'comforted’?” The younger finger quotes and Lilith’s scowl only intensifies; for multiple reasons.
“Do you really think so lowly of Amity?” she growls.
“No, of course not, but I need to check on my kid!” Eda growls, looking at Lilith over her shoulder. The elder only frowns but says nothing else.
She’s silent when she turns the door handle and opens it just a couple of inches to peek inside. the first thing she sees of course is the two teenagers curled up together on the bed, and she’s just about to throw the door open when she hears it.
Crying.
Both of them are huddled together on the bed crying.
She closes the door as silently as she opened it and backs away.
“Well?” Lilith asks lowly and Eda just shakes her head.
“Leave 'em be,” she says as they walk back down the hall.
When the crying has stopped the two are just laying there quietly, absorbing each other’s warmth, still sniffling on occasion as Luz runs her fingers through Amity’s hair while the other clenches and unclenches her hands in the fabric of Luz’s shirt.
Finally, Amity finds the will to speak.
“I lost track of the days…,” she starts quietly. “I completely forgot when you were supposed to go back…”
Luz hums.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Amity finally finds the courage to ask.
Luz just shrugs, frowning into Amity’s hair.
“I didn’t want anyone to worry about me. I especially didn’t want you to worry about me. Worrying about it isn’t going to fix it…,” she trails off.
Amity makes a frustrated sound in her throat and pulls back just enough so they can look at each other. Both their eyes are red and puffy.
“That’s not how this works, Luz! I’m going to worry about you whether you want me to or not, that’s how love works!” She’s more than aware of the hypocrisy of her words as they come out of her mouth, but more so as those deep brown eyes lock with hers, but she goes on. “I want to be there for you, even if I can’t do anything, I want you to be able to lean on me.”
“Then why won’t you let me be there for you?” she shoots back and Amity flinches. The words hold no anger, just sad confusion.
“I…,” Amity sighs. She’s been thinking about this too and has finally come to the answer. “I don’t know how…” her voice is so soft Luz barely hears it. “I’m a Blight… I’m not supposed to need anyone. I should be strong enough on my own.” She closes her eyes, unable to stare into Luz’s any longer, she can’t bear whatever she might find there.
“That’s stupid.”
Her eyes shoot open to look at Luz, who is frowning. She looks angry but Amity realizes it’s not directed at her as she presses her forehead against hers.
“Everyone needs help sometimes, no matter what their name is, and… we’re supposed to be there to help each other, no matter what, that’s what this is.” Her grip on Amity tightens. “Like you said, that’s what love is. Us against the world, but you have to let me, Amity.” Her voice is thick with raw emotion.
Luz is getting blurry as tears fill Amity’s eyes again and her fingers dig into Luz’s shirt in a death grip. Luz is smiling at her sadly as they begin to drip down her cheeks to the bed. She nods shakily.
“I know…,” she hiccups.
“You said I don’t understand. So explain it to me,” she breathes, and Amity sniffles. “Please, mi amor. Tell me.” Luz whispers.
So she does.
They lay there a long time, so long, the sunlight in the room disappears, casting the room in darkness as Amity explains exactly what it’s like growing up in Blight Manor, with parents that are too busy most of the time to even remember they have children unless it’s convenient to them. With a distant father who is usually too busy to spend time with his family or know what is going on and a mother who when she has the time, uses it to try and sculpt all her children into perfectly painted figurines for her to display to their friends and acquaintances at parties.
Nevermind that the paint just hides the many chips and cracks beneath.
Luz only holds her all the tighter the longer they lay there and her heart aches the more Amity speaks as she realizes that Willow and green hair dye are only the tip of an iceberg lodged in her girlfriend’s heart.
“Oh, Amity,” Luz breathes, holding her as tight as she can without crushing her. “I’m sorry,” she finally says when Amity is finished. “I should have left it alone…”
Amity shakes her head
“No…, I should have talked to you about this instead of just trying to ignore it,” she sighs “I know you, Luz. I know how much you care and want to help… I love that about you… I guess part of me just didn’t want you to know what a mess I am,” she mumbles, gold eyes sliding to look anywhere but Luz. She squeaks as Luz’s grip on her becomes crushing.
“You’re not!” she growls, anger burns in her belly like she’s swallowed fire. She’s never felt such intense hatred before as she feels at Amity’s mom right now. “You’re amazing and I love you so much.” She squeezes harder still. “And what your parents do isn’t your fault,” she asserts.
“Luz, too tight…,” Amity squeaks.
“Sorry, sorry!” Luz smiles sheepishly and relaxes her death grip on Amity, who can finally take a full breath. “Really, though. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed. When you tell me to leave something alone I need to listen…,” she says with a frown, which makes Amity frown.
She draws her hands back from around Luz’s back and wedges them between them to wrap her fingers around her neck, thumbs brushing her cheeks.
“And I need to learn that I can rely on you, no matter what,” she says and Luz smiles, making her own lips pull up.
“Always, mi amor.” she affirms, leaning into Amity’s touch.
Amity closes the incrementally small distance between the two to press a soft kiss to her girlfriend’s smiling mouth.
When she releases her she sighs happily but exhausted.
“We’ve been here a long time… you probably need to get home.” Luz frowns, not at all happy about having to send Amity home now that she knows exactly what that home is like.
The twins can only help so much, they too are just teenagers in the same boat as their sister, even though it seems to Luz that shielding Amity from as much as they can is their priority; for which she could never be more grateful.
Thankfully Amity just shakes her head.
“They left for the weekend this morning… it’s just Ed and Em at home,” she says.
“Then stay,” Luz says without even having to think about it.
Amity jerks up to look at her, eyes blown wide and cheeks pinking.
“I… don’t think Eda will be okay with that after what happened last week” the pink turns red.
“She will if I explain It to her…,” she says. Amity looks unsure of that. “We need adults in our corner, even if they’re both wanted criminals.” She grins and Amity can’t help but giggle at her. Even when it’s dark, Luz has a way of lighting up her world.
“Okay” she moves to sit up but Luz pushes her back down with a hand on her shoulder.
“You stay here, I can do it, amor,” Luz assures her. Amity wants to argue, but she feels drained after explaining it all to Luz, so she just nods.
Luz pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth and crawls off the bed, moving to the door.
Amity bites her lip before calling out.
“Hurry back, querida.”
Luz freezes and Amity grins, knowing even without being able to see her face as it’s turned away and dark that Luz is blushing.
After a second she just looks over her shoulder and smiles.
“Siempre volveré a ti, mi amor.” She says before opening the door and disappearing down the hall, leaving Amity confused but flustered.
She pulls out her scroll and calls her sister who picks up on the second ring.
“Mittens, are you okay, where are you?” She sounds worried and Amity feels a little guilty about that.
“I’m fine, Em. I’m at Luz's…”
“Oooh, and what are you two up to I wonder…?” she says with a knowing lilt, but she does not have the energy to be angry at her older sisters teasing.
“Emira…” the tired and almost sad way she says her sister’s name makes the sound on the other end go quiet for a moment.
“What’s wrong?” Emira sounds serious now, and with a weary sigh she explains the last few hours to the twins after Emira has put her scroll on speaker, which includes finally telling the twins why she’s been dying her hair green for years; they don’t like it. Not one bit.
After about twenty minutes Luz peeks her head in the bedroom door and seeing her on her scroll, gives her a thumbs-up as she walks quietly into the room to sit on the end of the bed.
“Titan, Amity…” she hears her brother say quietly.
“I’m going to stay with Luz tonight, I’ll be back in the morning and we can talk about it later,” she says before he or Emira can say anything else.
There’s a long moment of silence and Amity can just see the two of them, looking at each other having one of the silent conversations they’re famous for.
“Alright, we’ll see you tomorrow. We love you!” The two chorus at the end and Amity rolls here eyes, but smiles.
“I love you too.” The scroll beeps as the call ends and Luz reaches out to grab her hand and squeezes reassuringly.
“Eda said we’re good to go for tonight and that dinner is ready.”
It isn’t until she says this that Amity realizes how absolutely starving she is.
“That sounds nice.” She nods.
Luz grins and leads her downstairs, hand still threaded through hers.
Eda looks up as they walk into the kitchen.
“Have a seat, kids.” She motions to the table where Lilith and King are already sitting, waiting.
They do, and they all smile, and for once Amity is glad that Lilith is here.
Maybe she hasn’t forgiven her yet, but she’s trying, and after all this talk about her mother, she’s glad for anyone else.
She gives Lilith a small smile and the woman seems surprised, but it’s quickly replaced with a reassuring look.
When dinner finished and everything is cleaned up, Amity insists on helping, the two head for the stairs only to be stopped by Eda, poking her head out of the kitchen to look at the two as they start up the stairs.
“Luz” her mentor calls, and they both turn back to look at her.
“You two can sleep up there, but that door stays open, no funny business, or this is the last time anyone stays here; got it?” They both turn bright red but Luz nods.
“No funny business,” she squeaks. she’s not going to even attempt to argue that nothing is going to happen, she just agrees; not willing to look a gift horse in the mouth.
“Good. Night, kids.” Eda grins and the two hurry up the stairs, mumbling to each other and faces red.
#Lumity#Moonlit Masquerade#Luz Noceda#Amity Blight#Willow Park#Gus Porter#Eda Clawthorne#lilith clawthorne#Edric Blight#Emira Blight#fanfic#toh#the owl house
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