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alchemyphan-blog · 7 years

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I’m Not Going to Hurt You

word count: 6.5k

style: fluff

desc: it’s dan’s first time visiting phil, and spending their first time together in phil’s university leads to them learning a lot about each other. written in 2014.

a/n: caution: mentions of rape

I laid on top of his bed, looking up at him. He was the most beautiful thing you’d ever see - strong and muscular, but so soft and desirable. Phil was practically sitting on top of me, his fringe dangling by his eyes and hands on my chest. All I wanted was him, and I made it clear.

We had been waiting for this night to be perfect for as long as I can remember. Where it would happen, how, and everything in between. We had talked about this day for weeks, maybe months. We planned everything, right down to the train times for a certain weekend in October.

And now, this weekend was upon us.

Friday afternoon, at 3:44. Dan would be there in at least ten minutes, on his final stop underground where Phil would be greeting him. His legs bounced uncontrollably, and his fingers shook in their sockets. He could feel the sweat dribble down the back of his neck, only made worse by the confinement of the overheated and stuffy quarters of the tube.

But Dan kept thinking about seeing Phil’s face when he got off, and being able to wrap his arms around him finally. Dan had missed him so much, and they hadn’t even met yet. The time had come, and he knew that it was worth all this wait.

The intercom clicked on, and the muffled voice of the conductor informed the riders they were coming into Manchester. Dan’s heart froze and he stopped cold. He had never been so nervous, and simultaneously excited as hell. The metal doors began to open, and people poured out, Dan not standing up early enough getting out just as the doors began to close again.

He quickly ran through the door, nervously adjusting his hair and straightening out his jumper. Never had it been so cold in October that he’d have to wear one so early.

As people made the transition from the platform to the carriage and vice versa, Dan saw a tall figure standing in the corner of the station. His hair was dark and a few strands fell into his eyes. He was wearing this Tokyo Festival tee and a blue zip-up hoodie, complimented with black skinny jeans mutual to Dan’s. As he walked closer, Dan’s suspicions grew truer when he saw him holding up a sign with his name scribbled on it like a taxi driver. Dan instantly dropped the bags slung loosely over his shoulders and ran the 4 feet remaining between them to him. He let go of his sign and extended his arms and Dan finally felt his embrace.

I was hugging the man of my dreams, Phil Lester.

It had probably been about 5 minutes and they still were hugging. He took Dan’s bag in his hand.

“Oh, no, it’s okay, I’ve got it,” Dan said quickly, not wanting him to feel like he had to carry his bags.

“Oh no you don’t, this is your weekend with me and we said it would be perfect. And perfect to me is treating you like a prince,” he replied.

Dan vigorously blushed even under freezing temperatures and it was undeniably noticeable. He touched the back of his fingers to Dan’s cheeks, which only made it worse. He giggled a little bit and he smirked, which only made Dan grin like an idiot.

“Come on, my uni hall is only a few blocks from here and I don’t want you to stay out here and get any more colder,” he said.

Dan could tell he would be blushing a lot during my time with him.

They began walking up and out of the station, and gusts of frigid air hit them. Dan was glad he had worn the jumper, because otherwise he'd probably have frozen. “You don’t have to do all of this,” Dan said, he still holding his bag and carrying the sign.

“Dan, don’t start. I told you we’d have the perfect weekend. And I want to deliver.”

Dan decided he most likely wouldn’t be winning this argument, and allowed him to carry his bag as he walked beside Phil.

In the 4 blocks it took to walk to his hall, it ended up being a mini tour - he pointing out his favorite Starbucks, the park, and places he’d go. Dan could see the glimmer in his eyes when he talked about the things he was passionate about, and he just couldn’t stop staring at Phil the whole time instead of what he was pointing out.

“Oh, and right up this street, yeah, that’s my uni hall,” he said, gesturing towards the large and sophisticated looking array of buildings.

“Wow,” Dan said.

“What?” he asked.

“It’s huge. And, you know, doesn’t look like a can,” Dan said under embarrassment. This was all so new to him, and all he wanted was to make a good impression.

Phil turned to him and smiled. “Come on, let me show you around.”

Dan nodded, and soon enough he used his free hand to point to everything they'd come across this weekend. He took it all in, this time trying to concentrate on what he was pointing to instead of his angelic face.

They turned down a smaller path, and five minutes later he was unlocking the door to his dorm room. The anticipation was jabbing at Dan’s sides as he tried to contain my excitement. The room he had solely seen through various cameras was now 3-dimensional. It still felt like some kind of dream, but pinching his own arm wouldn’t wake him from this one. Dan could touch the green and blue duvet he’d always stared at, and could see Lion laying on the carpet underneath his video camera. It was all so surreal. This was actually happening.

Phil set Dan’s bags down on the foot of his bed. “Make yourself comfortable, I’ll go grab us something to drink,” he said on his way out.

Dan did as he said, removing my shoes and setting them in the corner of the room. Looking around, he noted the clothes were set in piles scattered in a corner of the room, and stacks of books occupied most of his desk. On the opposite of his room his video camera sat on the window ledge, small lights and compliments of the natural light from the large window surrounding it. His bed nailed to the side of the wall was rippled with his duvet and fanart draped from the bulletin board above it. Dan crawled on top of Phil’s bed, legs dangling off the edge. He checked his phone while waiting for Phil to return. It was already almost 4:30, and the sun was beginning to set far too early. The windows were open, and the crisp air ventilated through the room, and brought chills through Dan’s arms and legs each time a gust came.

Phil came back, two bottles of water in his hands. He handed one to Dan, and joined me on his bed. Dan opened it, the cap crackling breaking the silence that had fallen. He tossed it across the room, it thankfully landing in the already-full garbage can.

“Smooth,” Phil said grinning.

“I try,” Dan replied.

He set down his water bottle. “Are you okay? You know, with all of this,” he asked me.

“Don’t worry, I’m good. This is kind of, like, my dream coming true,” Dan confessed, reassuring him.

Phil laughed. “Okay, good. Let me know if anything happens though. People around here can get kinda weird. But I won’t let you leave my side,” he said.

Dan put his hand on Phil’s thigh and looked up at him as his answer. With his intent look, he knew Phil got the message.

By this time the water bottles had been placed out of focus and everything beyond Phil’s bed had blurred. They were sat parallel to each other on top of his bed, Phil’s fingers raking lightly through Dan’s hair. He blushed intensely, looking down. His hand retracted, and Phil placed the other on Dan’s opposite knee. Dan looked up. Phil had this dead sexy look on his face that made him go a little nuts for him.

Before Dan knew it, Phil’s lips had come in contact with his own.

Oh my god. I am kissing him. I am kissing Phil right this very moment. His lips are on mine. I am in his room and we are kissing on his bed.

He moved his hands up to Dan’s shoulders, and gradually Phil’s tongue slipped into his mouth. Their bodies moved to the rhythm of the kiss, Phil guiding Dan with him. Dan laid on top of his bed, looking up at Phil. He was the most beautiful thing Dan had ever seen - strong and muscular, but so soft and desirable. Phil was practically sitting on top of him, his fringe dangling by his eyes and hands on Dan’s chest. All Dan wanted was Phil, and him made it clear.

They had been waiting for this night to be perfect for as long as either of them could remember. Where it would happen, how, and everything in between. They had talked about this day for weeks, maybe months. They planned everything, right down to the train times for a certain weekend in October.

And now, the weekend was upon them.

Phil had known had vaguely experienced Dan was, but there was one thing he didn’t know about and didn’t plan on telling him. Dan didn’t want it to ruin anything.

Dan knew he could trust him, but there are some people he couldn’t. But can he let himself? He promised himself he couldn’t ruin this moment for either of them.

But it bit at Dan’s insides incessantly. The panic. The fear. No escape. Every night it re-created itself in his mind as it got more and more vivid. Dan didn’t know how far he could take it until he eventually broke. But he wanted this. He wanted this so badly.

Phil kissed just below Dan’s lips, his chin working down his neck. He had remembered Dan’s neck phobia, and instantly went gentle. He wanted to scream at how cute it was.

But soon after Phil got to the top of Dan’s low-riding jumper. His neck bones had been exposed, and he kissed all around them. He had shed his hoodie, and asked for permission before removing Dan’s jumper. He accepted, and soon it joined Phil’s blue zip-up on the ground. Underneath Dan had on a low-rise tee shirt, and his chest was almost fully exposed. Phil kissed all down the center of Dan’s body, he laying frozen and praying himself to keep it together and let this happen.

He placed his hands low on Dan’s hips, Phil sitting on the edge of his bed with his body laying horizontal. He touched his forehead to Dan’s stomach, his mouth just before Dan’s belt line.

All the alarms went off. Instantly Dan began to drip sweat and shake vigorously. His legs were trembling, heart palpitating. It was exactly how it had started three years ago. Dan had wished Phil wouldn’t notice so he could continue enjoying this, but he didn’t want to make things worse than they already were. His breath had caught, and it was noticeable Dan was in distress.

Immediately Phil jumped off the bed, and ran to Dan’s head side. Tears were streaming down his face as he tried to force them away.

“D-Dan? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Phil asked frantically.

Dan stood there still frozen shut with his body trembling. He could barely stutter an answer.

“I..” he began.

“What is it? You can tell me,” Phil said, stroking my hair.

“-Thought I c-could do th-is,” Dan managed out. Tears dripped onto his duvet. He felt like an idiot.

Phil sat on his knees just before the bed, an arm stretched above Dan’s head and the other dwindled in his messy fringe.

“Dan, what happened? Don’t be afraid to tell me, I’m not going to hurt you,” he cooed, which only made the tears come more. Dan tried to sit up, but felt like he was weighed down into his bed. Phil saw his attempt, and slowly began to sit Dan upright. He grabbed his water bottle.

“Here, take a drink and relax,” he said. He did as Phil told him.

Dan sat there for a few moments before he willed himself to make fathomable sentences.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“There’s no need to be sorry, Dan. Did something happen?” Phil asked.

Dan could feel his stomach drop about 15 and a half miles. This is exactly what he tried to avoid. He didn’t want Phil to have to know about this or have it affect him nowadays.

Dan decided he had to tell him. It was the only way it could sound logical.

“About three years ago, something...happened,” Dan started.

“No,” Phil said, a worried expression plastered on his face.

“I-I was 15, and there was this...guy who had moved in down the street from me,” he said, being sucked into the same vortex of agony that haunted Dan every night.

Phil looked at him, his eyes wide.

“And he had heard about me living down the road, and came to say hello. So he knocked on my door and I answered, and we met. After which we ended up spending quite a lot of time together, and we became pretty close. I thought he was really my friend. But about 6 months after this had been going on, he called me on a random Friday night at like 11 and asked me to come over. No one was home, my mum and dad had taken my brother to a place uptown for the weekend and I stayed home with the dog. I decided to go,” he took a breath and looked over at Phil, as he had been staring down onto his carpet for the last minute. Phil was looking at Dan, and he knew where this was going.

“It was really dark in his house when I got there, and he was alone. I was texting him, and he asked me to come straight in and to his basement. I did so. I got there and it was pitch black except for a candle in the corner of the room and I could see his face reflecting off of it.”

“Come sit with me,” he said.

“Dude, why are all the lights off? Did you power go out and something?” I asked.

“Just sit,” he demanded. So I did.

“No one is home. They won’t be back for at least 5 or 6 hours.”

“Okay, cool. So do you wanna tell me why all the lights are-” he cut me off.

“Shut up.” I withdrew. What was up with him tonight?

“Now we promised that some things we would never tell anyone, correct?” he asked me.

“Of course. Why, is there something you need to tell me?” I answered.

“This night never happened. Got it?” He asked in a stern voice.

“Um, okay, what’s going on?” I returned, confused.

Next thing I knew he had pushed me down onto the ground and he was on top of me. He started violently kissing me. I tried to squirm away but he refused to loosen his grip on me.

“What’s a matter, gay-boy?” he teased. “Thought this was all you dreamed of.”

“Get off me, you dick,” I pleaded. He had been getting progressively offensive and generally rude for the past few weeks. I wondered if it was just a phase, him being an 18-year-old and his last year of school being a bit hectic. I was only 15, but despite we had become good friends. He became really trustworthy, and we had resorted to telling the other our secrets. Maybe telling him I was gay was not the best decision, as after I became extremely paranoid he would spill his guts for a laugh or use it against me. Now I began to regret it.

He ripped open my perfectly good shirt and there was nothing I could do. He tossed it to the side and kicked my shoes off.

“What the hell are you doing?” I asked.

“Did I not tell you to shut up?” he said. I had no choice but to lay there while he did whatever he wanted to. He flipped me onto my side and my face contacted the cold cement ground he had. Everywhere else was carpeted except for a single patch which was occupied by us.

He ripped off my too tight jeans and slid them off my ankles. I was almost completely naked in front of another guy, something I had thought about before but never wanted it to occur like this.

And then the inevitable happened.

He rammed into me and I yelped in extreme pain. It felt like a thousand pieces of shattered glass were breaking inside me.

Oh god. I am being raped. He is raping me right now and there is nothing I can do. I let this happen, and this is all my fault. I didn’t have to come but I did. I could have left when I wanted to. But I let this happen. And now I was paying the price.

I screamed out once more.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP,” he yelled. It rang in my ears. Bruises marked my hips and stomach, and my face was bashed in from my landing onto the ground. I could barely feel my legs. I needed to escape. I saw my own blood on the concrete flooring. I crawled and clawed to a wooden post nearby and tried to get to safety. He detached me from it and demanded I do as he told. So for in no way fathomable of an amount of time, I laid there pinned to the ground being raped. I screamed, and I cried, but no one could hear.

Sirens roared and lights flashed outside his basement window. There were knocks on his door. He ran upstairs and I hid in the corner behind a punching bag, breathing heavily and tears stained on my cheeks. His muffled voice attempted to defend himself.

“We had calls from the neighbors about loud screams. It sounded pretty serious,” I could hear one clearly say.

Soon loud sets of footsteps were landing in every direction. People were in this house, and they were looking for me. Soon enough every door was opened and searched, and they opened the obvious basement door.

“No! You can’t do this! This is my house!” he pleaded, one last chance to save himself. It was too late.

“Hey, anyone here?” a voice called. Light had shone through the door and everything became visible. The candle still burned.

Two men dug up his possessions and examined the dried blood on the floor. My eyes peered at them, and I couldn’t decide whether or not to expose myself. I tried to remain perfectly still, amidst the uncontrollable shaking and my breathing.

I hiccuped a cry. They found me.

They pushed back the punching bag and saw me huddled in the corner.

“Hey, come here!” the one shouted to the other. They knelt by my side and grabbed me.

“Are you injured? Can you speak?” they asked me. I felt frozen in my state. I couldn’t speak. So I just welled up and cried.

I screamed. They were inches from my face, and I couldn’t stop screaming. On a count they picked me up and ran up the stairs with me and shoved me into the back of the ambulance.

I woke up hours later in a pale white hospital room, and looked at my wrist. “Trauma Ward”.

The coming weeks and months would induce heavy therapy in-hospital. The same routine each day.

People would visit me, on visiting days if they bothered. I was heavily monitored and drugged from then on out. I could rarely see my parents or even my brother, and all contact had been shunned. It was lonely. It was brutal. And despite their efforts I will never be the same. And then I found Phil.

Dan looked up, feeling his burning cheeks. Tears were starting to stream down his face as he took a sip of Phil’s water. Dan found any strength in himself to look at Phil.

He was staring at Dan intensely. He couldn’t tell what Phil was thinking.

He said nothing, but took Dan in his arms. They laid in his room on his bed like this all night.

Saturday

Phil had woken up before Dan, leaving him a note.

Early class this morning, the only one all weekend. Should be back by 8:30 or so. If you go out and to the left you’ll find a place that serves breakfast. Miss you already, wish I could see your pretty face when you woke up.

-Phil ^-^

Dan smiled and folded the note, harvesting it in his pocket. He was hardly hungry after the night they’d had, so he crawled back under the sheets with his laptop for the remaining hour he had without Phil. This was all such a haze to Dan still, and decided what better than to write a massive blog post about it.

Yes, before you all flip out, I am with Phil. No, we did not do anything last night (but I’ll keep you updated). We are spending the whole weekend together. Currently he has an early class so I’m keeping the bed warm. But I told him some pretty crazy stuff last night, stuff I haven’t even told you guys. But it was serious business, and we will not go without talking about it again. Pretty heavy.

Putting that aside, I still am in utter shock this is all happening, probably as much as you are. Sorry, for the people I’ve just made jealous about successfully being his #1 fan enough to be in his bed now.

It’s as just a shock for me as it probably is to you. I feel insanely grateful to have him in my life and to be helping me in unexplainable ways. And thanks to all of you as well. Right, well as it’s too early for human interaction I’m going to cuddle up in Phil’s bed and wait for him to return.

Stay classy,

Dan

He pressed enter and soon enough the notes rolled in. He decided to ignore it for now, and would address it soon enough. Dan wasn’t going to waste a second of this. His eyes grew heavy and soon enough fluttered back to sleep.

Dan woke up later to a familiar smell, like home. He opened my eyes, and Phil was sitting at the foot of the bed, stuffing his face with pancakes. He swallowed.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” he said.

Dan rubbed his eyes. “Hi,” he said in a husky but happy tone. “What time is it?”

“About 9:15. Sorry I didn’t wake you, I just wanted to watch you sleep.”

He blushed. Phil was the sweetest person on this planet.

“Got you some breakfast, didn’t want you to be hungry when you woke up,” he said, handing Dan a small styrofoam box filled with pancakes. He accepted, and smothered it in butter and joined him in shoveling them into his mouth with a cheap plastic fork.

“How was your class?” Dan asked him, slightly inaudible by the muffling sounds of his mouth.

“Eh, it was alright. Knowing you were sitting in my bed in my dorm kept torturing me,” he smirked. “I saw your post on Tumblr too.”

Dan’s stomach dropped. He hadn’t even thought about Phil seeing it.

Phil saw his expression and placed a hand on Dan’s leg. “Don’t worry, it was really cute. I loved it,” he admitted before another mouthful of pancake. Dan smiled with his mouth closed, food filling up his reddened cheeks. Phil reached out a hand and squeezed them.

11:43 A.M.

Dan sat across from Phil in a tiny cafe down on-campus. They hadn’t ordered lunch, but had two caramel macchiatos in hand. The grass outside had a tiny frost over it. Phil gave Dan his sweatshirt to wear.

He took a breath. Dan already knew where this was going.

“So, last night,” Phil said.

“Yeah,” he sounded, weaker than he intended.

“I’m glad you told me, though. Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I wouldn’t have looked at you any other way than I already do.”

“Well why would I tell you? Things were going so well, I didn’t want to ruin anything by saying it. I just feel so bad I couldn’t have been there like I’ve dreamt about,” Dan said. I took a second thought on his last remark. “Not in a creepy way,” he added quickly.

He laughed quietly, and took his hand. “Dan, nothing could ruin this, not even that. But what happened - that’s really serious. I mean I understand why probably no one knows that but I just cannot believe I’ve gone so long without knowing. I’m glad you’re safe from him now. Where is he, speaking of? If it’s not too much,” he asked.

“No, no, it’s totally fine. But he’s in prison. 16 year sentence for, uh, yeah,” Dan said, suddenly not wanting to say it out loud. “They asked me a whole bunch of questions about it to figure exactly what he’d done and what they’d file it under if he wanted to get a job after his sentence.”

“Oh. Well, it’s good that he’s locked up where he should be. And what about you?” Phil questioned.

“What about me?”

“Well, what happened with you after all of this?”

Dan paused. He remembered exactly what happened. In an instant it all came flashing back, but he couldn’t show Phil. He needed to tell him. Someone needed to finally know.

“Well, once the police had found me in his basement they put me into an ambulance and I passed out. I remember waking up in the middle of the night without knowing where I was or what was going on. I looked around and I was tied down to the bed. Luckily I could move my arms and a legs a little bit and I noticed something was on my wrist. I looked at it and realized it was a hospital bracelet. I looked a little closer and realized it had said,”Dan took a breath. “It said Trauma Ward.

So for about the next two months I was in in-patient therapy at the hospital. I couldn’t wear my own clothes most of the time, they made me wear the gowns when they found out I was stuffing weights in my pockets because I didn’t eat. By that time I had really given up on everything and ended up spending more time there than was necessary because I just gave up halfway. I’d had enough, I just didn’t see purpose in anything after it all happened and my life just kinda shut down. I, uh, tried to go a few times. It being a hospital and me being watched every 5 seconds I didn’t exactly do what I wanted. Then one Christmas they let me have my whole family come in and spend the day with me. My brother actually spent the night with me. But that Christmas was really special, because apparently my parents had talked to my doctor about letting me have something I could actually talk to people on, so I could Skype them when I was there and talk to other people besides that. So, I spent like 16 hours a day on the internet, mostly YouTube. I started watching people like Charlie, Community Channel, stuff like that.”

And Dan had realized it had turned into how he got to where he was today. He smirked, and continued the story with a sarcastically giggling tone now. “And then in the suggestions there was this guy called Phil. I liked his hair, and his thumbnail was cute. So I clicked the video.

This guy who had this Northern accent sitting on his floor started talking to me. And in that moment,” he said, now turning mildly serious but a hint of silly in his voice, “I know that there was something very special about this boy.”

He finished, looking at Phil. He had this look on his face like if the place was completely empty right now he would have thrown Dan onto the table and kissed him. Instead he took a sip of his drink, pulled his sleeves around his hands, and said, “Let’s go for a walk.”

Dan nodded, and soon Phil took him into his arm and they exited the cafe.

The air was much colder than the night before, possibly a 15 degree difference. The frost caking the grass glistened even though it was severely cloudy. Their feet crunched whenever they walked in it.

Phil still had Dan under his arm, and he led him through an abandoned pathway that looks like it hasn’t been used in 10 years. He walked Dan through the trees and bushes that had adopted the path until they came to a clearing - a small circle with a pit in the center, charcoal and burnt wood had remained. Three logs surrounded the pit and shaped a triangle.

“I come here a lot, even though rarely anyone else does anymore. People stopped using it as ‘The Pit’ when they found a place closer but far enough off campus.

It may not have been anything, but for some reason Dan loved it. “It’s beautiful,” he said.

He sat Dan down on a log, and cradled him close to his body.

He exhaled. Dan could see it form a cloud just around Phil’s mouth.

“No matter what has happened, will happen or what won’t happen, I could never let you go. Nothing will change that,” he said.

Dan’s nose had gone cold from the red, and the fur hat had kept my ears from getting bitten by the cold, but nothing stopped his cheeks from flourishing at his remark.

Dan leaned up and kissed him.

And for hours, they stayed at The Pit, kissing.

9:19 P.M.

The Chinese food they ordered made its way to being sat right next to the garbage but not quite inside of it.

“Okay, so then what’s your favorite song by them?” Phil asked Dan, in reference to Muse.

“You can’t make me answer that! That’s no fair,” he whined, grinning.

“Okay fine. What about album?” Phil said.

I paused to think about it for a minute. It was kinda hard, loving everything they’ve ever created. If they gave me a restraining order I would probably frame the papers.

“I know mine,” he said.

“Okay, I think I’ve got it,” Dan replied.

They looked at each other.

“One…” he started.

“Two...”

“Three!”

“Origin Of Symmetry!” both blurted out. Instantly they died laughing.

They were sprawled out across Phil’s bed, and Phil’s fingers were occupied with Dan’s hair. They played a lazy game of footsie, and Dan’s hands formed figurines and played on top of Phil’s stomach. He never wanted to leave this moment. The windows were still open, and the temperature had dropped another 10 degrees. It was extremely cold, but they were both too lazy to get off their shivering butts and grab another blanket. So Phil invited Dan to join his embrace, and he huddled into him with the duvet and sheets tightly pulled over their bodies.

“So, what else don’t I know about you?” he asked Dan.

“Oh boy, let’s not open that door,” Dan said giggling.

“I’ll tell you one thing about me if you tell me one thing about you,” he wagered.

“Okay, fine,” Dan said. He thought about something he hadn’t told him but was worthy enough to tell him now.

“Um, okay, I’ve got it.”

“Well go on,” he said.

“I play the piano,” Dan said.

“You do? Why haven’t you told me that! That’s worth mentioning, you could play me songs to fall asleep to,” he said, smiling.

“Okay, I went, now you go,” Dan reminded him, wanting to hear what he had to say.

“Alright.”

He paused. He looked down at Dan with those shimmering glossed over eyes.

You could go swimming in those eyes.

“I love you,” Phil simply said.

Dan looked up at him again. He was speechless. What was there to say?

“I-I love you too,” Dan stuttered. He could barely talk.

In an instant his head lowered and he connected Dan’s lips to his. Dan’s hand reached to the side of his jaw and Phil’s reached around and joined below his shoulders. It was a lot slower than last time. They were underneath the duvet by now, engulfed in the warmth they created. His lights were on, and pockets of it shone through the spaces under the blankets.

Dan just wanted to do this for real this time. He wanted to show him how much he loved Phil too. “I really wanna do this,” Dan told him, fighting off the anxiousness. “It’s okay Dan, calm down. Just stay calm. Are you okay?” he asked, his thumb stroking above Dan’s eyebrow. He nodded.

“Okay. We are going to take it slow. Nothing bad is going to happen, I’m right here, and I’m not going to hurt you.”

Dan let Phil take control, telling him it was okay to let go. Hesitantly Dan became to come okay with it, despite the fact he was still a pile of sweat and paranoia. His chest was practically jumping up and down with his heart overworking.

Phil placed his hand on the center of Dan’s chest.

“Your heart is beating so fast,” he said.

“Yeah,” Dan breathed, trying to keep my cool.

“Why?”

“I’m scared.”

“Why are you scared, Dan?”

“Because I love you,” he blurted out.

He kept his hand on Dan’s heart, and as light as ever possible he placed his lips gently onto Dan’s.

They were both wearing their lounge pants, and somehow during this they had detached themselves and were laying on the floor. Dan was wearing an old shirt with chinese words written across the top that he had no idea what they meant. Phil wore his red babycakes shirt. All Dan wanted was for this to happen.

“Okay, Dan. We’re gonna take it really slow. If anything happens, you let me know. Alright?” he asked.

Dan nodded again.

And again Phil was kissing him slowly, and Dan couldn’t imagine himself retracting from the taste of Phil’s lips. Dan wanted him. He wanted this.

Phil removed his shirt and Dan did the same. He had sat Dan up a little, and hand rubbing his back to relax him.

“It’s all going to be okay.”

Dan’s breathing was abnormal. He tried to take in as many as he could so he wouldn’t pass out. Phil’s fingers trailed lines along Dan’s back. He looked at Phil, who was smiling down at Dan, and he let his head lay just below Phil’s collarbone.

Dan exhaled. He wasn’t going to hold back anymore, or at least as much as he could.

He kissed Phil, and he kissed him hard. So hard that it took Phil back actually - but Dan just needed this to happen. Phil crawled on top of Dan and they got into a perfect rhythm with the kiss that would never end. He was hunched over top of Dan, blocking the light directly above his head but his face was brightly visible. Dan was almost hyperventilating, but he didn’t care anymore. And he wanted him to know not to stop.

“Phil, I need this. Don’t stop,” Dan pleaded.

“For you, anything.”

And Dan took Phil’s word on that. Through it all Phil kept himself extremely gentle despite telling him it was okay. And even though Dan could not allow myself to give in all the way and do what he’d dreamt of, he was making progress. It was the first time he’d come close to being with someone for as long as he’d remember, and not for a millisecond would I regret it being with the person Dan loved more than anything.

“You did good,” Phil told him once we had calmed. “I’m proud you let yourself do what you could. You’re doing good.”

Dan couldn’t speak, so he just crawled onto Phil’s chest, pulling the duvet over them, and fell asleep to Phil stroking his arm, drawing circles in the crease of his elbow. The lights were off, the fireflies outside his window igniting the cold air.

Sunday, 8:08 A.M.

A kiss had been placed to the top of Dan’s forehead to replace the alarm.

“Good morning, Bear,” Phil sang.

“Mmm, hi there,” he mumbled. Dan couldn’t help but remember that he would have to leave today, and knew how hard it would be. He wished he could live in Phil’s bed, suspended in the crook of his arm which he fit perfectly in

“Ugh, I can’t believe I have to leave today,” Dan moaned.

“Don’t,” he said after a minute.

“Hm?”

“Don’t leave.”

“I wish I didn’t have to.”

“No. I’m serious. Don’t ever leave,” Phil told Dan.

Dan blushed. Phil was right. He should never leave.

“I won’t. Never will I leave right here.”

“Promise?” he asked me.

“Promise.”

“Forever?”

“And for always.”

And Dan didn’t leave.

#alchemyphanfics #phanfic #sorry for cringe bye

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