#i want to study mushrooms or ocean preservation or die and will i make money doing that here FUCK NO so its not even worth it
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desperate to be a man in art forced to be a woman in stem
#applied 2 school have to submit port in february if i dont get in 2 either art school we all go down with me capiche#if i hv to live breathe eat biology and it is not a specific mycology branch of study or at least some marine bio specific .. .#i will ***** ****** ** *** **** <- crossword of the day i wont b this uncensored sewerslidal on main even as a joke#my dad is crazy and is like omg u should be horticulturalist <3 bro i do not want to work in fuckign gardens forever#in this country ??? where it snows HALF THE YEAR ???#i want to study mushrooms or ocean preservation or die and will i make money doing that here FUCK NO so its not even worth it#like that would be my side job ... to fucking ART. kys kys kys kys you expect me to get married have kids AND do THAT SHIT#i feel like. the thing that makes me mad#honest to god#at the end of it all#is that most people see art as like a fun thing to do on the side to them its just a hobby#and thats great for them i love that truly /gen#but like im not that#and everyone acts like i am that and i can just put it down and pick it up and if i dont get in oh just go for stem and do art on the side#like no . i dont fuckign want to. i dont care if i live at home forever. w how fucking atrocious i function i probably fuckn will anyway#like i dont know . it is a part of me. if i am not drawing then i am not ok. when i was at my lowest i drew like 10 things that year#so then its like u want me to take myself and compartmentalize me. u want me to take the things i enjoy and like#choose which one to embody for my life and i throw away bio for the sake of the one i like the most but NOOO thats WRONGGG#and then i have to deal with ummm yeah ok we will support you doing art ig (but also im not gonna help u figure out apps#(and also every chance i get im going to point out how u should apply for stem anyway instead of being interested in what u-#actually wanna do with your life and what ur goals and plans are#(not because i dont believe in you or respect your feelings at all and dont see you as a person and not a puppet haha noooo)#like fuckign hell i am a WHOLE person im not a bunch of little bits and pieces to split into whats important LOOK AT ME im the WHOLE#i feel angry bc i know ive done a lot this year and i should b proud of myself but at every single turn i have to like#fight to keep myself together through everything because nobody else ever does and maybe never will. and i cant see the good ever#and it leaves me exhausted and out of my body dissociating and living faster than i want#bc i can never focus on anything except whats ahead and coming bc i have to always prepare for something or someone to hurt me#from the bottom of my heart i hope this time next year im happy#m happy now dnt get me wrong. im stressed as shit but i havent been this ok since i was like 10 honest 2 god. but i hope it lasts for once#thats the real thing haha. thats how i know i got brain issues bc everything in theory is just fine rn
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