Winter Begonia recap episode 21

Shuiyin Troupe is gearing up for something while Du Qi, Shang Lao Ba and Er Ye are sitting around a table in front of what I believe to be the main house, close to the entrance.  Du Qi is reading the lyrics changed by Shang Lao Ba and comments about how good the modification he brought to the composition were as opposed to the lyrics.  Shang Lao Ba replies that he did not get an education or otherwise his lyrics wouldn’t be so bad.  Bookworm prideful Du Qi tells him to stick to performing while he takes care of the scriptwriting. Er Ye inquiries about the symbols and whether they were drawn by Shang Lao Ba. Arrogant non-rival Du Qi gives him a condescending look and explains those are Chinese musical notation, mainly the Chinese stave, while our cute penguin is smiling at his Er Ye, probably sending signals hoping for some heavy petting (I have read chapter 20 of the novel and now that is all I am thinking) for a job well done.  LOL, best girl Xiao Lai interrupts this moment to bring attention to the troupe.  I have a feeling Shang Lao Ba completely forgot about that them at that point. Xiao Lai stop being your book self! 

 He invites the troupe to come and line up.  Shit starter Shi Jiu is up first. She sings her part but our penguin is dissatisfied and tells her to stop. He criticizes her acting of a chaste and fierce lady, so why is she making him shiver. Rong Lan is up next and same situation.  It turns out they are auditioning for the main female role of the Consort. He is not happy with their vocals and portrayal of the Consort. The girls asks him to demonstrate what he finds is lacking in their performance, but he is unable to put into words.  Du Qi suggests they invite someone from other troupes, picking a top performer and paying that person handsomely.  Shang Lao Ba reminds Du Qi that next month is the election for top performer so no one would have the time to perform with him, inevitably lend support to him. Dasheng suggests that his boss takes the role of the Consort since he has the quality he is looking for, but he replies who will take over the role of the Emperor if he becomes the consort. Clearly no one in the troupe can play either roles to the level that both picky Du Qi and SXR have set. Er Ye reiterates what Shang Lao Ba mentioned about performers not wanting to perform for another troupe since they don’t want to lose their chances to shine for the election. He suggests looking for an outsider, who may not have the moves but have great singing capabilities that may even surpass that of other bosses.  Shit starter Shi Jiu suggests they hire Du Qi as the outside.  Is she being serious? For what? Clearly not the dan role.  I guess for the emperor role, which makes no sense.  Girl, sit your ass down!  LOL the look on SXR when she said that!  Du Qi replies that she is making fun of him and he has only the skills to fool a layman (like Er Ye?), adding if he had such skills why would he follow their leader instead of making it on the stage.

  Boss Niu crashes the party, like he usually does.  I swear he always arrives at the most opportune time. Du Qi asks what is wrong with the Opera Association this time around. Boss Niu replies that nothing is wrong and since they made a scene inside the association, no one dares mess with them. DAMN RIGHT! He announces that Yuan Xiaodi is retiring and invites them to a banquet, which will be thrown at the association.  Our penguin is stunned by the announcement; Boss Niu confirms, adding that Boss Yuan had contemplated retiring for a while, having not performed a lot in the past years and now that his wife is pregnant, he has decided to branch out into business with his satin shop.  You can tell our penguin is saddened by the news.  Both Du Qi and SXR are invited, and Boss Niu extends that invitation to Er Ye. Du Qi picks up the invitation card and announces that he won’t go finding Yuan Xiaodi is too phony and he doesn’t like him.  LOL, do you like anyone else but our penguin?  Boss Niu takes his leave while our penguin is still sad.  Layman Er Ye asks about Boss Yuan, having never heard of him; our penguin explains that he has only seen two of Boss Yuan’s performance and they were both amazing.  He had hoped to perform with him someday, like he had Boss Hou, but now that he is retiring, he won’t have the chance.  He doesn’t understand why Boss Yuan, who is still young is retiring, unlike Boss Hou and wishes he had come to Beijing earlier to fulfill his wish.  

Bratty sister Cha Cha’er is sitting with her SIL who is trying to coax her to talk with her brother so the mini cold war could end. CFT enters home and is confronted by his bratty little sister.  She asks why he lied to her and he replies if he did he do so. She reminds him of how he basically used her to lure Zheng Laihong so he could make Grandpa Zheng capitulate, while Er Nainai is trying to explain to her that is not her big bro’s fault.  Yeah, you are asking a teenager full of hormones to understand complex situation.  I understand that back in those days, teenager were basically grown, capable of even marriage, but sis, they still see shit in black and white. CFT tells Er Nainai to stand down and let him discuss with Cha Cha’er alone.  Yeah, Er Nainai you are not making things better.  She agrees to do so and leaves. He tells Cha Cha’er to take a seat and asks between Zheng Laihong and him, whose life is more important.  She responds yours of course.  He tells her that he was surrounded by Zheng’s guards who were armed, almost losing his life.  If he didn’t use this card, he would have been killed. He admits he should have lied to her and promise not to do it again.  She reminds him of the promise he made in the car, but now her friend has been sent back to live with his parents on the countryside since the grandfather was arrested.  CFT tells he doesn’t care and reminds her how the debt collectors did not care about not implicating the children to resolve their father’s debt, leading them to live a terrifying life watching their estate being depleted.  Her friend lived a good life because of his grandfather’s prestige but now he has to deal with the consequences however indirectly. She’s like bro, you’ve changed since leaving Shanghai.  Well, yeah, he became a grown up, darling.  He tells her that he had to help support and protect the life.  Good lord she is naive.  He tells her that she will do so too when she grows up, but she huffs out of the room.

Shang Lao Ba is waiting for his Er Ye who pulls out in his car, which he drove himself, btw. He comes out, looking dapper as always and his bae greets him.  He compliments his little penguin for being well dressed, which gets his penguin smiling. GAAAHHHH, they are so cute together!  Er Ye fixes his bae’s collar and tells him the outfit fits him.  Then he instructs him to eat elegantly in public, as to not scare away the proper Boss Yuan.  LOL.  Shang Lao Ba replies that he is very elegant to outsiders and pulls out a fan drawn and gifted by Du Hanlin, Du Qi’s pops.  Er Ye smirks and tells him to stop showing off.  A loud noise puts him slightly on edge, ready to pull his gun, while our penguin smirks, as we see a puffed rice seller and some kids.  He’s the one who made the loud boom. Er Ye says he was scared by the loud noise thinking it was a bomb, while penguin chuckles at his reaction.

At the association, Shang Lao Ba is discussing shop with the other bosses.  Awww, it is nice to see him hang out with the people of his circle and be respected. Er Ye looks at his baby with his usual “I love this man” gaze when third wheel Fan Lian comes to disrupts his favorite activity.  The third wheel asks if he came with an invitation and Er Ye responds that he came to serve Shang Lao Ba and of course my mind goes to my naughty place. Judging from third wheel Fan Lian, he had the same thoughts, as he complain that Er Ye cares more about Shang Lao Ba than him.  Honey, take a look at our penguin and take a look at yourself. You are an useless dandy while the other is a cute talented penguin. Yeah, case closed.  LOL, Fan Lian tells his BIL that Shang Lao Ba does not even have time for him since he is mingling with the other bosses.  LOL, why do I detected jealous pettiness? Someone announces the arrival of Boss Si Xi and oh boy, dafuq is this dude?!!! He is wearing the most gaudy of Chinese attire, yelling out, to bring attention to himself, that everyone, including the top stars are here and prances toward the other bosses  LAWD, this one is a piece of work, I can tell.  Er Ye is disturbed by that man’s behavior, finding him annoying.  Why do I have the feeling the translation is not quite right here?  I bet he said something far more disparaging. Fawning Fan Lian tells him the weird man is Sixi’er from Yunxi Troupe, calling him a buffoon. Oh well.  Si XI’er stands amid the circle of performers, which include our penguin.  You can tell the others don’t him there.  He asks the other performers if they are ready for the upcoming election.  One of the bosses goes to Shang Lao Ba and talks about his new theater, stating how gorgeous it is.  A young boy called Zhouzi looks on with eyes full of admiration.  Hmmm wonder who he is admiring.  

The opera boss asks Shang Lao Ba if he could perform in his new theater and our kind penguin says it would be his honor. OH BOY, Si Xi’er twirls toward our penguin.  LOL, I cannot with this character.  He exclaims “Isn’t this the famous Mr. Shang!” Bish you knew he was here, stop overacting.  He states that others say Shang Lao Ba is good looking and has a nice temperament.  Well, yeah, he is fine af, and? Oh, he looks down on my penguin saying he looks dowdy.  BISH, I’m about to throw hands and so would Er Ye. Stupid Fan Lian smiles as he looks on at the scene. This boy sure loves drama. Si Xi’er adds that he wouldn’t have been able to spot Shang Lao Ba due to his plain looking exterior.  Our penguin ignores the insulting Si Xi’er, telling another boss that voice still isn’t good, it shouldn’t use the flower-selling tune.  Oh, is he throwing shade? Si Xi’er tells him he shouldn’t ignored him and then states that SXR thinks he is above all of them since he is leaning on Commander Cao’s BIL and has Mr. Liu as godfather. He states that SXR thinks he is too good to even show the Jiangs respect, let alone lesser known performers.  Hmmm...why should he?  While he talking smack, a woman walks into the room, looking for someone.  Si Xi’er continues his barbs claiming that if the bosses are not careful with SXR, he might send soldiers after them. This gets his hubby all riled up, but Fan Lian stops him.  The woman walks toward the small crowd and ask why there is such excitement brewing among them.  Si Xi’er exclaims that it is Miss Yu Qing.  Well, looks who actually recognizes an opera performer’s name!  It turns out Yu Qing is an amateur performer who was once courted by General Zhao to be his concubine but turned it down. Damn, ballsy.  Imma like this woman. It turns out the reason why CFT knows about her is that her refusal made it to the papers. Si Xi’er being his bitchy self snidely greets Yu Qing stating that she came from far and worked her way hard, talking about her career.  She tells him not to mention it and that she should call him senior since he is 20 years older.  LOL, Si Xi’er is not liking this.  He tells her not to be too polite by calling him senior. He turns back his attention on our penguin, making another snide remark, this time claiming that Yu Qing came to Beijing, gracing her presence in their city, and that no one can compare to her beautiful appearance.  The boy with the admiring gaze is called Xiao Zhouzi and seems to have his eyes on our penguin.  Well, can’t blame him, who can’t keep their eyes off of him. Well hopefully Er Ye won’t catch him in the act. Si Xi’er claims that its no wonder Miss Yu drew general Zhao’s attention prompting him to want to marry her.  She replies it is an old story, no need to mention it.  He replies that since she is from a rich background, she had no problem turning down the proposal, unlike someone else who is latching on to a handsome, thick and suave powerful businessman.  OH LE SHADE.  Well, then again....She replies that she is too much trouble for a man like General Zhao or any other wealthy men to handle, since she has a silver tongue and likes to throw shade.  LOL, I’m telling you, I love this girl.  No worries, I still love you Gu Dali! She adds that she also likes to be jealous of people who are better than her and that people claims she is a bit like Si Xi’er.  OMG THIS QUEEN. She continues her put down by claiming that people like them when dealing with powerful people may get slap in the face.  LOL.  Everyone’s laugh, including CFT who is probably thanking the woman for coming to his wifey’s rescue. An angry Si XI’er calls out Zhouzi, claiming   a coward in public while being bold at home, and orders him to go see Mr. Hong for a private performance.  Ewww, I do not like the sound of this and judging for how terrified the boy looks, yeah, I am not liking this.  Before he leaves, he gives our penguin another gaze, this time catching his attention. Oh, looks like our penguin is about to add another member to his harem. Well, at least distracted hubby this not see this, still laughing at what he witnessed. Then again, I doubt he worries about any other men around his bae.  He knows he has no competition and he is absolutely right.  Drama Queen Fan Lian tells him these opera bosses are even more vicious than the performers of Shuiyin House.  Er Ye speaks loudly that his bae is an excellent manager and everyone in his troupe is loyal to him, none of the other troupes can compare. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.  The wifey turns around and smiles, happy to hear his hubby compliment him like this.  Yo, I love my Queen Yu Qing, but girl your timing sucks.  Why are you interrupting such a cute moment!!!!! She introduces herself to SXR who is surprised that she knows him. What? Babe, you are a big time star! She tells him she came to Beijing to watch his performance for a month.  Wow, what a compliment.  CFT and fan boy Fan Lian comes to invite to one of the best room within the theater.  Awwwwww.  SXR introduces his hubby and business partner, and as he is about to introduce Fan Lian, the idiot introduces himself as the troupe manager.  BIsh what? LOL, she does not shake his hand, simply nods at him.  SHAAAADE.  

Another person enters the room, wearing a beautiful gold chinese attire. It is the man of the hour, Boss Yuan. Fan Lian dips out to go to the restroom, while Si Xi’er looks sourpussed. Boss Yuan seems to stare warmly at someone within the small circle, and at first I honestly thought it was CFT, and even he thought so too. It turns out it is our Queen, Yu Qing who got his attention.  Oh Oh. She smiles but then turns away when CFT realizes what is going on. Fan Lian comes out of the restroom and hears a beautiful singing voice.  Drawn to it, he goes to the room where the voice is coming from and it turns out to belong to our Zhouzi, singing for some old dude.  Meanwhile Boss Yuan thanks everyone for coming to his retirement banquet, telling them that he is looking forward to starting his new chapter, however, he wants to maintain his friendship with the opera circle, hoping they will support him in his new venture.  They raise a glass and toast him.  On the dining table, hubby Er Ye grabs the pig trotter that perpetual third wheel Fan Lian was eyeing and gives it to his wifey.  AWWW Shang Lao Ba is happy while Fan Lian wishes once again that his BIL would pay attention to him.  LOL, not as long as a cutie chipmunk is in close proximity. Boss Yuan does the round and comes to their table.  An enamored Yu Qing starts to stand up but is cut by SXR who is too happy to speak to one of his favorite performer.  LOL, he is such a fan boy. Once again, he is surprised that someone like Boss Yuan knows who he is. Is he being modest, because that kinda don’t make sense.  Anyhoo, it is clear that Boss Yuan knows who he is, as he even cites that SXR is well versed in Kunqu operas, having seen his Peony Pavilion, a well known Kunqu opera and being amazed to the point of not wanting to perform afterwards. Damn what a compliment. YOOO, Fan Lian, you be trying with Yu Qing, serving her food and ish.  

You are not even on her radar, she is far more attracted to a certain opera performer.  Boss Yuan discuss how impressed he was with that performance, which seems to get Zhouzi attention.  Sigh, the penguin is far too modest.  He thanks Boss Yuan for the compliments but claims that he might be too young and not skilled enough to make the necessary changes to a certain section, that Boss Yuan considers redundant.  He gives him pointers on how to fix that.  Hmmm, now I see why people consider Boss Yuan an academic and slightly arrogant, judging from Boss Niu’s reaction, but our penguin takes it in stride.  It is clear he wants to learn from those he considers greats, no matter if they criticize him harshly or not.  He is so respectful to those he admires. Yu Qing looks on, admiring her crush who acknowledges her.  LOL, CFT finds the whole thing amusing, while Si Xi’er is about to start trouble. He gets up and class out for attention, walking toward SXR table, and ask for Boss Yuan to perform for the last time.  He agrees to do so and ask what they would like to hear. 

 Shady bish Si Xi’er of course cannot miss the opportunity and calls on SXR to perform a part of Peony Pavilion called Awakened Dream. Our penguin quickly downs a glass of wine and then pretends he is drunk, his head hitting the table.  BWAHAHAHA.  CFT looks at him wondering if it is true, while Yu Qing calls out for him.  Si Xi’er asks if he is going to perform, but SXR claims he is too drunk to do so, afraid of turning Du Li Niang into Yang Pai Feng and accidentally slap Si Xi’er. BWAHAHAHA. Si Xi’er responds a male role is rude, even if he plays a female role, he might be too violent and beat him to death.  Boss Yuan tells the crowd since SXR is too drunk, they should not force him to perform.  CFT volunteers to take the drunk bae to a room so he can sober up. Everyone wonder if they are leaving, while Zhouzi looks on, a bit chagrined. The others turn to Si Xi’er asking for him to replace SXR and sing.  LOL, the old bish that his voice is no match to Boss Yuan, who looks as if he is about to sink 6 feet under if Si Xi’er had accepted.  The sly bish asks Yu Qing to sing instead since she was one of Boss Yuan apprentices and actually got into opera because of him, making her the best match to Boss Yuan.  Boss Yuan reminds the crowd that she had a long trip and might be too tired to perform, but the old bish is like, traveling in a car is too tiring? We actors still perform when our parents died.  He adds that he had forgotten Ms. Yu was just an amateur, which makes her more privilege than other performers.  Boss Niu gets incensed, calling out Si Xi for being drunk and inviting him to sit down to sober up. Like the graceful queen she is, she stands up and responds that since that old bish put her on the spot, she must accept. She turns to Boss Yuan and tells him that since he is about to retire, they should sing together like old time. He agrees.

  Er Ye brings his bae to one of the rooms and lightly taps his cheek, knowing he is acting. LOL, he knows his bae. Shang Lao Ba asks if Si Xi’er is nuts for trying to put him on the spot and he was tempted to slap him. If it wasn’t Mr. Yuan’s reception, he wouldn’t have held back. Er Ye is proud of his little bae for growing up and understand the ways of the world, mindful of the occasion along with manners. He even pretended to be drunk to avoid a confrontation.  He taps his head in pride.  AWWWW.  Shang Lao Ba sassy self resurfaces as he tells Er Ye that he likes to act like the senior and take advantage of him.  YOOOOO, this can be interpreted in so many ways, and of course in my naughty mind, TEEHEEE.. We get the million watts smile that Er Ye only reserves for his bae.

We see Ms. Yu and Boss Yuan performs.  Everyone is looking on, including Zhouzi, who is enjoying it. Damn, these two look good on the stage, you kinda see the intimacy flowing between them. Our penguin is listening attentively in the private room and seems drawn, standing up to watch.  Er Ye is fixed on his bae who, in turn, is transfixed on the two performers. LOL he stands up in front of his penguin, trying to get his attention.  Hold up, you have this prime piece of hot businessman standing in front of you and you are lost somewhere else?! I command you penguin! Finally, tired of being ignored by his bae, Er Ye blows ligthly on his face (YALLL BETTER NOT GO THERE).  This finally gets his attention, as he asks what his hubby is doing distracting him from listening to the two performers.  Er Ye replies, that is my question, I am standing there looking fine as hell yet you seem bewitched by something else than my presence. In his cute voice, he says Er Ye (god I love it when he says that), I want to ask Yu Qing to perform with me in his new opera Tale of a Hidden Dragon as his consort.  They come out as they hear whispers.  Shit, its the baby mama. erhm...I mean the wife, calling out Ms Yu. Sigh, jealous spouses are so annoying, especially since it was a time when polygamy still existed among wealthy men.  She states that Ms. Yu is sure is a noble woman coming from a wealthy background and so pretty, elegant, demure and educated.  Yet behind this exterior, she is a seductress following her crush.  Her husband is like, the hell are you talking? Third Wheel Fan Lian runs toward where SXR and CFT are standing.  Ms. Yu responds that she did not come to Beijing for Boss Yuan. The old bish Si Xi’er exclaims that it is his fault that Ms. Yu and Boss Yuan are singing together.  Our penguin is like, they only perform why the sudden quarrel. Honey, you kinda went through something similar with Er Nainai.  It is about the primary wife trying to assert herself against potential concubines. Third wheel Fan Lian catches them up on the drama, and that Mrs. Yuan knew that Ms. Yu was here, and caught them performing.  Did the old bish instigate all this? Knowing him, probably. LOL, our penguin is like, this crazy hag is pregnant, why is she getting all uppity.  Mr.s Yuan hormones are raging as she asks whether the crowd would have let her husband and Ms. Yu end up together if she hadn’t interrupted.  Bish are u cray? Boss Yuan responds they were simply performing, he was her shifu, teaching her all her operas.  His cray wife is like, ohhh, so you are her shifu, so that means I am also her mistress, so you have to recognize as so.  Geezus xrist it is just as I suspected.  The cray wife wants to assert her position in case her husband takes on Ms. Yu as a concubine, since she would probably lose out on the status level, considering Ms. Yu is from a former aristocratic family.  YAWN. Her husband just stands there while his apprentice is berated by his wife.  YUCK. Well, our penguin who knows how to be a hero and has a sexy husband always willing to protect him, comments how Boss Yuan is a coward.  Damn right, sis! He offers to help but is stopped by his hubby who advises to mind his manners while helping out.  Our penguin is like, honey, I am well-mannered and takes his sassy self towards the stage. He yells out that Boss Xi said one thing right, that he has a big mouth.  LE SHADE.  He adds that Ms. Yu was invited by him to perform a new opera with him.  Even though this is Boss Yuan’s banquet, since she is HIS guest, Boss Xi shouldn’t have invited her to sing without his consent.  The old bish Si Xi’er notes that SXR has sobered up real quick and asks if that is true, since this is the first time he heard of this. SXR says, bish since when were you privy to hear my business? LOL, seriously, this is the same man who did not inform the Opera Association of his costume design, you think he will divulge of his new opera? He tells the old bish that he does not deserves to know and Boss Niu looks, probably thinking damn right, bish! Boss Xi gets up and tries to go bish slap my penguin, but is stopped by the other bosses.  Someone asks SXR to perform with Miss Yu.  He asks Boss Yuan if it is okay for him to sing since it is his banquet.  Cowardly Boss Yuan says if it is not too much trouble, he will gladly allow it.  Seriously, he looks like a whipped little man with no balls. He looks back at his wife and steps off.  LOL, he does not even help her get off, this task is left to Boss Niu.  That cray cray bish sneers at Ms. Yu before she leaves.  Seriously, I was ready to throw hands at this bish, pregnant or not.  Stay away from elegant queen!  Fan Lian invites his BIL to sit down, while our chipmunk asks Ms. Yu to sing another opera called Lady Thirteen.  These two dan ju’er look good on the stage.  Boss Yuan and his wife are having a cold war, while Zhouzi is looking at his idol but gets caught by his master.  Sigh, this poor boy.  

SXR and Miss Yu walk through the hallway.  She thanked him for saving her against the raging hormonal Mrs. Yuan.  He tells that he dislikes Si Xi’er, the instigator of this whole mess. He admits that he was not lying about inviting her to perform in his new opera. She replies that it is a big deal and will have to think about it. He tells her to think quick and offers a big salary if she agrees, on the same level as his.  She tells him that she does not care about the money, it is rare for performers to get a good story of their own, adding that performance is one thing while the script is equally important. You can tell she is passionate about the art form as a whole.  He replies that his new opera will become a classic. She sighs and tells him his new opera is indeed a wonderful story and agrees to do it. He warns her that he is a strict leader and will be critical of her performance.  She tells him she’s looking forward to it.

Third wheel Fan Lian is driving our penguin and his bae.  The cutie pie Shang Lao Ba burst in a giggle, happy to have snagged the elegant Ms Yu as his consort. Seeing his bae happy, Er Ye asks if Ms. Yu agreed to join his opera. He confirms it.  Er Ye, being ever observant, ask about the weird vibes he got from Ms. Yu and Boss Yuan and comments as to why Mrs. Yuan was so agitated upon seeing a master and apprentice to sing together.  Shang Lao Ba excitedly gossips that Ms Yu was mesmerized by Boss Yuan singing, she decided to learn opera, getting in trouble with her renowned family, to the point of breaking off with them.  Boss Yuan taught her everything she knows, but when he got married, she refused to become his concubine, but now he has no idea what is happening between the two.  The more experienced Er Ye tells him he should now have a better understanding of what is going on between the two.  Wait, what? Did he just casually said these words.  Is this an acknowledgment of their own intimate gazes they’ve been sharing, their longing for each other? Seriously, what is this line and how did it fly under the censorship radar???? Anyhoo, he explains that seeing how Boss Yuan gazes at Yu Qing when they were singing, it means that she is in his heart.  HOLD UP!!!! Oh my god, I can’t!!! MY SHIP. My little penguin is looking at him, astonishing, as if he is surprised to hear his bae admit what we’ve known since episode 2!  Er Ye continues stating that when Mrs. Yuan came to make a fuss, Boss Yuan acted as if he didn’t feel anything.  He asks what does that mean? Our penguin is like, what, I don’t get it. Er Ye answers these two never got together.  OHHHHHHHHHHH, so the gazes you shoot toward Shang Lao Ba is because you guys haven’t gotten together yet!!! FAINTS. LOL, Shang Lao Ba responds that Er Ye is able to see through that, compliments that he has good eyes and I swear I wished they had cut to third wheel Fan Lian rolling his eyes to say that it’s because his BIL is basically the same towards you.  Er Ye tells Shang Lao Ba that he must perform a great opera or he will owe him for all his hard work.  HMMM, I like where this is going. Our innocent penguin replies that he won’t be the only one standing on stage, it won’t be enough.  Er Ye replies that he now has Yu Qing.  He complains that his troupe is not up to the task, especially since they don’t have a good young dan performer, like Lie Yue (who left to become a concubine). Oh look, Fan Lian is finally trying to be useful, as he mentions he may have scouted a young dan performer with a bright spirit.  Shang Lao Ba congratulates him for the good timing, while Er Ye is basically me in dashing suave businessman form, dropping snide remarks about his useless BIL finally using his fanboyism to do something good. Geezus Xrist, the third wheel is actually proud of it, despite the obvious insult.  Don’t you have any same. He mentions Zhouzi and ask if Shang Lao Ba had seen the young and good looking kid. Er Ye asks if he is that good why isn’t he performing.  Fan Lian replies that Si Xi’er is a jealous bish who would not tolerate an handsome young man being better than him, abusing him instead.  Sassy Shang Lao Ba replies that it is not surprising since it is Si Xi’er.  Er Ye glances at him, which draw sassy Shang Lao Ba to look back, with his cute pouty lips. UGH, kiss already!  Er Ye is like, baby will you be like this petty when you get older.  Shang Lao Ba states he won’t get old because he will simply end his life once he reaches forty years old, and Er Ye should go his own way.  They laugh, clearly it is said in jest, even third wheel Fan Lian joins in on the laugh fest.  Shang Lao Ba asks where he could find this rare gem, but Fan Lian replies that Si Xi would not let Zhouzi perform on stage, so nix that idea. Shang Lao Ba replies they should go check Yunxi Troupe house instead.

The next day, they go to Yunxi Troupe house, helped by a neighbor (btw, this is one of the opera consultant for the show).  He tells them that Si Xi is mean and critical, so he hesitates to enter not to incur his wrath.  Shang Lao Ba says he has no idea what Zhouzi looks like, but the guide tells him he would be the one doing the hard labor. GEEZUS. Er Ye asks the guide to stand by and alert them if anyone comes by.  They overhear Zhouzi singing and walk toward the area where the boy is working.  He says it is a shame, which draws Zhouzi to his direction. The young shy boy quickly walks toward Shang Lao Ba who asks if he is Xiao Zhouzi.  The boy says yes shyly.  Shang Lao Ba tells him someone asks to come see him. Er Ye sees the bruise on his face and ask what happened.  The boy lies and says he fell down, but Er Ye can see he was beaten. He comments how cruel this is and how he could be maimed if this continue. Zhouzi is just like Shang Lao Ba, asking if he sang well misinterpret Shang Lao Ba previous comment.  Shang Lao Ba explains what he meant; that his voice sounds similar to Si Xi’er but since he wasn’t well trained, it is lacking.  Shang Lao Ba does a demonstration (BRO, you are going to attract people!).  LOL Er Ye does not stop him despite the potential danger.  The guide comes rushing to make him stop.  Shang Lao Ba tells him they will leave so he won’t put him in trouble. Zhouzi is about to have a meltdown and kneels, begging SXR to save him, promising to make him money.  Our penguin tells him being a follower will not allow him to sing.  He has to become a master of his own fate in order to become a leading performer.  He helps stand up and tells him to find any opportunities to seek him out so they can discuss operas with him.  The poor boy kneels again, prompting the guide to hurry him out, fearing Si Xi’er return. Er Ye tells his penguin not to worry, he will do whatever he can not to let a young prodigy suffer within Yunxi Troupe. Such a good hubby.  I feel so bad for the boy. 

Your tags about David's romantic gestures are everything😍💖

we were just having this discussion in chat earlier about how a lot of people can’t see what patrick sees in david. i’ll admit that this is something i have also struggled with, only because david & i are SO similar & it’s difficult for me to find (or admit) anything lovable about myself. like david, i am anxious, dramatic, self-absorbed, judgmental, & catty. but the transformational arc that david goes through over the course of the series, & over the course of his relationship with patrick, shows us depths that we couldn’t see before.

for one thing david is fiercely loyal to those he loves, which we get early hints of in episodes like 3x10 sebastien raine, where he is so protective of moira. but it’s with patrick that we finally see david opening up & letting himself shed his armor to reveal the loving parts of himself that he was too afraid to show before. for one thing, he may be anxious all the time, but when a loved one needs him, he is suddenly a rock, an island of calm in a stormy sea. obviously the biggest examples would be 5x11 meet the parents & 5x13 the hike (& in 5x6 rock on! to a lesser extent, though his anxiety ends up getting the better of him [thanks alexis!]).

in meet the parents, david sets aside his own insecurities to fully be there for patrick. we KNOW how insecure david is about his romantic relationships being more meaningful to him than they are to his partners, & while at this point some of that worry surely has settled down in regards to patrick, his world is a little rocked when he finds out that patrick has been keeping him a secret from his parents this whole time. old traumas are hard to shake; however we see david suddenly transform into this fiercely protective, confident, resolute comfort blanket of love for patrick. he does everything to make things okay, including putting himself in a vulnerable position with patrick’s parents while still under the impression that they may not accept or condone their son’s relationship with him. we see him literally wrap himself around patrick & hold onto him for dear life when patrick admits his fears about his parents. david in this moment doesn’t care how long it takes patrick to tell his parents about david; his concern is patrick’s safety & comfort. he could get angry & take offense to being kept a secret, but he shows so much goddamn empathy towards patrick’s feelings & insecurities over coming out. then at the party he is THERE for patrick with a reassuring word & smile, & even though he knows at this point that patrick’s parents will be accepting, he is still thinking of patrick’s feelings & saying exactly what patrick needs to hear in this moment. he could trivialize patrick’s feelings, but he never does. without missing a beat, david rose drops all of his baggage & all of his worry when patrick is in need.

to me the hike is another perfect example of david’s protective & caring nature. he starts off being dramatic, bratty, & ungrateful, but when he sees the toll of his actions, he is immediately able to quit this behavior, acknowledge that he was wrong, & re-center the afternoon on patrick. he quickly transitions into seeing the day & his own behavior through patrick’s eyes, & he realizes that he hasn’t been fair or sensitive to what patrick wanted to do for him. then this boy who has been whining about a heavy backpack for the past several hours CARRIES HIS BOYFRIEND UP A MOUNTAIN without even getting winded, because he is just SO overwhelmed with the need to care for patrick that he becomes like one of those moms who gets a surge of adrenaline & suddenly develops super strength to lift a car off their trapped baby. & this isn’t an effort for him, he just automatically switches into caregiver mode when it’s needed. patrick doesn’t even have to ask.

i speak of this as growth, but i’m not saying that these are qualities that david suddenly developed because of schitt’s creek or because of patrick. the growth is in the vulnerability & the confidence to show these traits that have been there all along. david rose is nothing BUT love, he has SO MUCH love to give & is SO EAGER to give it, but because of how much hurt it has caused him in the past, he’s learned to switch it off. patrick gives him the security to finally love the way he was meant to, because he IS finally loved the way he was meant to be. it’s more than a throwaway joke when patrick refuses to return the “nice” compliment in 4x01: david rose may not always be a NICE person, but he is undoubtedly a GOOD person. but it is only through allowing himself to be vulnerable & to embrace joy that he is able to show it.

& yeah maybe i’m projecting a little, but dan has indicated plenty of times that we are meant to project. i may share david’s not-so-nice qualities, but i also share his good qualities, including his loyal & protective nature. not to get exceedingly personal (though my friends have already heard way too much about this), but before this show i had been through a shitty time being dumped by my fiancée & then losing all my friends in a really overblown & traumatic argument. after that i told myself i was toxic waste & wasn’t fit to be around other people; relationships only ever brought me hurt, so i figured i’d be better off turning off my need for companionship & just accepting that it wasn’t for me. i gave up on love, including for myself, & slipped into a nasty depression where i only left my house for school. i’m not saying sc cured me; i’m still clawing my way out of it, & i still don’t truly believe i’ll find love again (though i have found friendship again which i’m over the moon about). but through david rose, i have realized that i am worth loving & deserving of love. that’s why this show means a ridiculous amount to me.

so when people say they don’t see what patrick sees in david, i wonder what show they’ve been watching. patrick may be bold & capable, but david brings his humor & his passion & his LOVE, so much love, to the table. in david patrick sees someone who is smart, ambitious, creative, & talented, who just needs a little help gaining the confidence to put it all together. patrick does that for david with rose apothecary & then he does that for david in their relationship. they bring out the best in each other, not opposites but complementary pieces. patrick doesn’t have what david is missing, he just has a way to bring out what david has had inside him all along but has been too afraid to show.

& i guess that’s my essay on david rose. glad you liked the tags! :P

Fic: Happily Ever After 7 (Commitment)

Title: Happily Ever After Rating: Teen (for Dan’s language, as usual) Word Count for This Chapter: 6.6K Summary: Dan proposes marriage, but Phil’s reaction isn’t quite what he’d been expecting or hoping for. Genre(s): Angst, Fluff, Established Relationship, Marriage Proposals, Gay Marriage, Commitment, Relationship Issues Author’s Note: Kindly ignore the fact that the Isle of Man is not in fact part of the UK, but rather “a self-governing crown dependency,” which complicates the bureaucratic side of things for a couple of English guys getting married there. With the magic wand of the fiction writer, I proclaim that all necessary licenses, provisions, permissions, and such legal niceties were easily obtained, and everything in my fictional little world happens simply and smoothly for my fictional Dan and Phil. Also available on AO3 here

[Masterlist of all “Happily Ever After” chapters on Tumblr]

[moodboard inspired by this chapter]

Chapter 7: Commitment

They got together to Skype all their close family to tell them the news.

Phil amused himself by allowing their conversation with his parents to meander through 15 minutes of random chitchat before he finally said, “So I hear you guys have been waiting months to find out my answer to a very important question.”

Phil’s mum had actually squealed, hands covering her mouth as she glanced from one of them to the other. “Really?” she breathed. Dan and Phil raised their hands to show her the engagement rings they were both wearing, and she threw her arms around Phil’s dad with a happy cry. All four of them beamed with happiness.

Phil’s dad said gruffly, “Now, I’m not going to ask what took so long, because that’s your private business, but I will say I’m glad you finally saw sense, son.” Then he had looked between them as his wife had done and grinned, “I suppose you’ll both be my sons now.” When he said it, he looked the happiest Dan had ever seen him.

Dan’s parents had responded with more reserved congratulations. They’d long ago accepted Phil’s place in Dan’s life, but Dan’s father had been raised Catholic, and it still tinged the family’s attitudes. They’d never treated Phil badly, but neither had they been warmly welcoming. They both smiled over the Skype connection, but they couldn’t hide the fact that they seemed more resigned than excited about their son’s decision.

The real issue had been Dan’s grandmother. They’d always been very close, but she was extremely religious and for the past seven years had persisted in referring to Phil always as Dan’s “friend,” “flatmate,” or “work colleague.” Dan didn’t like to think the word about someone who had loved and supported him so much throughout his life, but he had some time ago accepted that she was homophobic.

“I can call her on my own,” he offered. “We don’t have to do it together.”

Phil looked concerned. “Is that what you want to do?”

Dan licked his lips nervously and explained, “I’m just afraid … she might say something … you know how she is.”

Nodding, Phil said, “Yeah, I know. But I’d rather we do this together, unless you really don’t want to.”

Dan took his hand, worried. “I know you’re nervous about dealing with people who won’t understand … and I can pretty much guarantee that she is not going to understand. I just don’t want her to upset you.”

Phil kissed him gently, then smiled. “You don’t have to protect me. I’m the one who decided that I’m ready to do this, and I spent a good long while making sure I was certain. I’m ready to face the world with you, and that even includes scary grandmas.”

Dan laughed, which he knew had been Phil’s intention, and shrugged. “Okay. If you’re sure.”

As predicted, Dan’s grandmother had not reacted well. When they’d told her they were getting married, she had only shaken her head disapprovingly and insisted, “Daniel, you don’t need to do this. You’ll find a nice girl. What about that girl you were dating?”

Dan sighed. “I haven’t dated a girl since I was 17, grandma. Phil and I have been together for 7 years and we’re really happy together. We love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together.” She still looked as if she had just bitten into a lemon.

Dan felt Phil’s hand on his and looked at him in question. Phil squeezed his hand and looked back at the laptop camera. “I know how special you are to Daniel, Mrs. Howell, so I look forward to getting to know you better now that we’re going to be family. I know he loves you very much.”

Her face softened marginally, but Dan knew she would most likely phone him tomorrow to try to talk him out of it again. He wondered how this would work over the years, whether she would ever be able to learn to respect his love for Phil. Of everyone in his family, she’d always been the one he felt closest to. She had always offered him a kind of gentle warmth and kindness that did not seem to come naturally to his parents, and he loved her fiercely for it. Perhaps his love for her and tolerance of her prejudices might even have actually helped him to be more patient with Phil’s long struggle than he might otherwise have been. But if her prejudices ever threatened his relationship with Phil …

He hoped that he would never be forced to choose, because if he were ever forced to make that choice, he knew he would choose love over hate, and he would lose his grandmother from his life forever.

Dan didn’t see why this was even a question. “Howell-Lester.”

Phil was persistent. “No. Lester-Howell.”

Dan sighed. “No. It’s always been ‘Dan and Phil,’ so we should keep to the same order. Howell-Lester.”

Phil nodded. “Right. You’ve had your turn at going first. My turn. Lester-Howell.”

Dan tilted his head and put on his best patient, logical voice. “But ‘Howell-Lester’ is alphabetical. It’s only fair.”

Phil got a sort of sneaky look in his eyes, making Dan suspicious. Then Phil said, “But think about which one is more aesthetic, Dan. ‘Howell-Lester’ has three L’s in a row in the middle. That just isn’t … aesthetically pleasing.”

Dan rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re mocking me.”

Phil wheedled, “But it’s true, right?”

Dan sighed crossly. “I don’t know…”

Phil left the room for a moment, then came back with a notepad Dan recognized from their trip to Japan, the paper delicately scattered with cherry blossoms that cascaded from a tree blooming at the top of the page. They almost never used paper notepads, so this one had obviously survived years stashed somewhere in the flat. Phil handed Dan the notepad and a pen.

“Write them both down,” Phil said, gesturing to the paper.

Dan heaved another noisy sigh, wanting to make his impatience clear, and wrote across the cherry blossoms, Daniel Howell-Lester, then, on the next line, Daniel Lester-Howell.

Phil watched his face and asked, “So … what do you think?”

Dan had to admit that Phil might have a point, but he really didn’t want to give in. “It’s not so bad…”

Phil scoffed, “Yeah, right. Now write them both in all caps.”

Dan wrote, DANIEL HOWELL-LESTER, then DANIEL LESTER-HOWELL, then groaned, “Oh god.” He tossed the pen and notepad onto the coffee table in disgust and put his hands over his face. “Those three L’s … all in the middle together like that … arrrgh!” He brought his hands down and glanced at the innocent notepad again. “And the other one … it has kind of a nice balance and symmetry, with the two L’s in the center and two L’s at the end. But … those three L’s in ‘HOWELL-LESTER’…” He made an exaggerated gagging noise. “Okay, you’re right: I couldn’t deal with that for the rest of my life. We’ll go with Lester-Howell.” He sulked, “I hope you’re happy.”

Dan saw Phil’s right index finger stroke the platinum ring he wore on his other hand as he said softly, “I am. Aren’t you?”

Dan fought it—he really did—but he could feel a smile start to bloom on his face. He still tried to grouse, though. “Okay. Fine. Yeah, I am happy. I don’t like to admit it, because I feel like I’m losing an argument, but I am. I am happy.”

Phil’s face seemed lit from within when he said, “I love you, Daniel Lester-Howell.”

Dan held up his hands. “Whoa there, cowboy! You have to make an honest man of me before you can call me that.” He grinned.

Phil grinned back. “I can’t wait.”

Dan really didn’t want to bring this up, but they were going to have to leave the flat at some point, and then it would become an issue. He hadn’t been thinking about it before, but now…

He sat beside Phil on the sofa and took his left hand, gently caressing the ring shining on Phil’s finger. “You know, I spent a long time choosing these engagement rings … but I actually think we probably shouldn’t wear them.”

Phil looked distressed. “Why? Is it the coming out issue? Because I’m really okay with that now. I mean, I know in a perfect world we’d obviously really prefer to continue keeping our personal lives private, but … we’ve talked about starting a family, Dan. I think it’d be pretty hard to convince anybody that we’re just friends if we start adopting kids together.”

“Except maybe my grandma,” Dan joked darkly.

Phil smiled slightly to acknowledge the jest but didn’t reply.

Dan stopped. Rewound. “Wait, did you say ‘kids,’ plural?”

Phil shrugged shyly and looked down, then back up to meet Dan’s gaze. He was giving puppy dog eyes. “I thought one kid might be lonely. We could see how it goes…”

Dan hugged him. “Let’s see how it goes. If we don’t accidentally kill the first one within a couple days…”

Phil groaned a laugh and covered his face with his hands. “Don’t even joke about that! You’re giving me ‘Who’s Your Daddy?’ flashbacks! Our kid is going to crawl around intentionally looking for the bleach and electrical sockets.”

Dan admitted, “I’ve been figuring we’d wait a few years, anyway, before we even start thinking about it.”

Phil nodded. “Wise man.” Then he looked confused. “But if it isn’t about the coming out issue, why are you not wanting to wear the rings?”

Dan sighed. This hurt. “It’s not that I don’t want to wear them, because I do! It’s that … well … I love our fans … but some of them are a little…”

Phil leaned back in his chair, eyes wide. “Oh.”

Dan grimaced. “Yeah. I mean, if they wait around airports for hours when they know we’re just trying to catch a plane, imagine what they’d do if they knew we were planning a wedding.”

Phil sighed. “Some of them would spend months trying to find out where and when.”

Dan nodded. “And I don’t want the most important moment of my life getting interrupted by a fan running in to ask for a selfie in the middle of our vows. And I don’t want to have to establish some kind of security perimeter to prevent it, either.”

Phil looked unhappy. “So we don’t wear the rings?” He looked down at the platinum band on his finger with its winking aquamarine stone.

Dan sighed. “I think we probably shouldn’t. Not until after the ceremony.”

Phil made an exaggerated pouty face and begged, “Maybe just around the flat?” which made Dan laugh.

Dan knew just how he felt. “And maybe we should move up the date we were planning.”

So they started making plans for something maybe a month away, determined that they’d somehow make it happen because they didn’t want to wait.

“Okay. So. The vows. Do we want to just each write them separately and surprise each other at the ceremony, or talk about them a little bit?”

Phil pondered. “Well, it would be kind of weird if they were dramatically different in tone or something.”

“Yeah. So. Maybe talk about some themes we want to touch on?”

“Honesty.”

“Trust.”

“Kindness.”

“Patience.”

Phil nodded vigorously. “Definitely patience! I can’t believe you put up with me these past few months!”

Dan was honestly surprised. “Me being patient with you? I was thinking about you being patient with me!”

Phil gaped at him. “How could you be thinking that after everything I put you through? You’ve had the patience of a saint!”

Dan wasn’t going to let Phil beat himself up about this forever. “Think about it, though. I mean, the bigger picture. Yeah, the past few months were really hard, but we were talking, I could tell you were working through some serious shit, and it was hard work for you. But have you forgotten that you sat through my daily pathetic angst for more than a year when I was at uni, and thinking about dropping out, then dropping out and worrying that I was throwing my life away? You never told me to hurry the fuck up and make a decision. You never told me to quit the whining. You listened to me every single day, and you let me cry on your shoulder, and you didn’t tell me what to do but you did tell me your opinions, and you gave me the time and space to work it out on my own while still giving me support through the whole thing.”

“Dan … that was a long time ago,” Phil said dismissively. “You were just a kid then.”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, but how long ago was it that you last found me face down on the hallway carpet in some kind of downward spiral of existential doubt about the meaninglessness of trying to accomplish anything in a world where we’re all just going to die and nothing really matters?”

Phil bit his lip. “Um. Okay, yeah. That was more recent.”

Dan nodded, then continued, “And it’s happened a lot. For years. And you’re always patient with me when it happens. You don’t tell me to get my emo ass up off the carpet or hurry me to just get over it. You hang out with me and talk to me, let me talk to you, listen to what I have to say and tell me what you think in return. We do it together. And sometimes you leave me alone when I need it. You try to understand where I’m coming from, and you’re patient with me. You’re always patient with me. You’re the one who has the patience of a saint, Phil.”

Phil still had that hangdog guilty expression on his face, though. “It’s not the same. You asked me to marry you, and I said no! And I said terrible things! Then I made you sit around for months waiting for me!”

Dan was determined to make Phil see his perspective in this. “You didn’t say no, and you didn’t ‘make’ me do anything. You said you needed to think. So you did a lot of thinking, and you worked through your shit, and you came up with the obviously right decision to marry my ass. And now we’re moving on … together. We’re past it. But you’re still going to find me face down in the hallway once in a while. And you’re going to have to deal with me occasionally losing my shit over a video not being perfect enough. Admit it, Phil: I’m not that easy to deal with. But when it comes to the boyfriend lottery, I hit the fucking jackpot. You might leave cupboards open and steal my cereal, but you’re otherwise pretty much perfect. You’re like the nicest person I’ve ever met in my life! You’re always there for me, and when we disagree you always let me calm down before you try to talk to me about it, and you don’t mind if I stay up on Tumblr for hours instead of coming to bed with you, and you listen to me rant about things even when you don’t care…”

Phil interrupted him, “Dan! Stop! You do realize that I’m happy with you, right?” He looked honestly concerned.

Dan squeezed Phil’s hand and leaned over to kiss him gently, just a little one. “Yeah. That’s my point. It makes no sense to me sometimes, but I do believe you. I’ve never doubted it, never doubted that you love me, never doubted you, not for a second. And that’s why I was able to wait for a few months while you worked through something really big.”

Phil blinked. “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. I just looked at the big picture. And in the big picture, I would have been a complete idiot to let you get away if there was any chance that we could work things out … if there was any chance that you might choose me … choose this…” And he gestured at the laptop where they’d been taking notes for the ceremony.

Waiting for Phil had been hard, but a life without him would have been a lot harder.

Phil leaned in for another kiss, and this one wasn’t as little or as quick.

An hour or so later, they were back to planning. Dan said, “I want to make sure the ceremony is as much ‘us’ as possible.”

Phil suggested with a straight face, “So you’re saying we should just play Mario Kart at the altar instead of reciting vows?”

“Ha bloody ha. You know what I mean.”

Phil nodded affably. “Well, then, I should stand at the altar and you should walk down the aisle to meet me, because it would be symbolic. You were the one who found me on YouTube.”

Dan pointed out, “Yeah, but it was really you who started the relationship by reaching out to respond to me on Twitter.”

That threw Phil off topic, as he wondered, “Do we need to invite the bosses of YouTube and Twitter to the wedding, since they were instrumental in the formation of our relationship?”

Dan frowned. “I don’t think so. But, wait, yeah, maybe we should invite Susan … uh … Susan … Wobblemijicki? Whatever her name is. She is kind of our boss.”

Phil looked uncertain. “Do you really have to invite your boss to your wedding?”

Dan gestured helplessly. “Well, hell if I know! Do I look like a wedding planner?” He held up a hand. “Wait, don’t answer that.”

Phil’s eyes lit up. “Maybe we should ask my mum.”

Dan nodded eagerly. “Yeah, text her. Also, ask her which one of us has to walk down the aisle.”

Phil had been in the middle of pulling out his phone, but he stopped to hold up a finger. “How about we both walk down the aisle together, side-by-side.”

Dan thought about it. “Or we could not have an aisle at all, and just enter from opposite sides at the same time and meet in the middle.”

Phil exclaimed with glee, “It’s weird! Like us!”

Dan tilted his head and smirked, “We said we wanted to make the ceremony very ‘us’. So I guess maybe it might have to be a little weird.”

In the end, they decided not to invite Susan Wojcicki … or pretty much anyone else really … just close family. The guest list numbered only 15 people. No best man or groomsmen or flower girls … just Dan and Phil and the people they loved most. And some guy they didn’t know who was going to perform the ceremony. But they Skyped with him beforehand and he asked a lot of good questions and got to know them a bit, so they figured he’d probably do a decent job of it. He emailed them in advance what he was planning to say, and it sounded fine.

Phil really wanted to hold the ceremony on the beach where Dan had first proposed. “It’ll be symbolic!” he insisted. “Like I’m saying yes where I should have said it in the first place!”

“Phil,” Dan said calmly. “Think about it. That beach is rocky. Imagine slowly walking toward the altar over those shifty pebbles, looking into my eyes instead of watching where you’re going…”

Phil made a face. “Broken ankle for sure. You’re right.” He looked so disappointed—Dan felt bad for him.

“How about the hillside above the beach?” Dan suggested as a compromise, and Phil’s face brightened.

But when they told her the plan, Phil’s mum fretted that they couldn’t have an outdoor wedding because rain was certain to ruin it. Dan joked that if they got rained on, they could just call it a baptismal blessing by the gods, but she didn’t seem to think that was very funny, as she pointed out she was more worried about their formally-attired guests getting drenched. Dan and Phil were used to London’s weather, she insisted, and rain was a much more constant threat on the Isle of Man than they realized from their fairly brief visits.

When they explained the reason behind their choice of location, however, she was obviously deeply touched by the sentiment and suggested a nearby lighthouse that overlooked the beach in question. The octagonal lighthouse interior was large enough to accommodate their small party easily, and the quirkiness of the location seemed to fit with their personalities. She was overjoyed when they declared it a brilliant suggestion.

They’d decided that they didn’t want a really fancy ceremony, but they agreed that they wanted something appropriately formal and solemn to reflect the seriousness with which they viewed the commitment they were making, so Dan insisted that they both have clothes that were worthy of the occasion. Phil didn’t care and would have been willing to wear a suit he already owned, but Dan dragged him down to Savile Row to get a bespoke suit made by a respected tailor. When they talked about what Phil wanted, the tailor ended up recommending a color called “zaffre,” which is apparently what pretentious people call a shade of blue simultaneously dark and bright. They didn’t want Phil to look gaudy or outshine Dan, just show a bit of color to reflect his personality. Dan thoroughly approved of the choice.

In a fit of whimsy, Dan showed Phil a picture online of some suede Gucci hightop sneakers in a color that would complement his suit perfectly, and Phil fell in love with them, placing his order immediately. “I’m less likely to trip in sneakers than in fancy dress shoes,” he offered in defense of his choice, but Dan hadn’t needed him to defend the shoes. He thought they were perfect or he wouldn’t have shown Phil the photo.

Dan himself took the wedding as an excuse to get himself a Wales Bonner suit. She was a fairly new designer on the fashion scene, but he’d been a fan since he first noticed her unconventionally fluid vision of masculinity. He was excited to support her career and own a piece of her work, but since he didn’t want to freak out his grandma or any of their other comparatively conservative guests, he chose one of her more traditional designs for this particular occasion: a black suit and tie with a shirt dyed to exactly match the color of Phil’s suit. The tiniest peek of a white pocket handkerchief would be a nod to the white of Phil’s shirt.

At the last minute, they decided to ask Phil’s friend Mark, who had taken so many of the tour photos that made up DAPGO, to document the day, and he had gladly agreed.

Before they knew it, everything was planned. Now all they had to do was show up at the Isle of Man, wear some fancy clothes, say some fancy words, and they’d be married. Simple.

They were both nervous as hell … but at least they were nervous together.

When they woke in the Lesters’ guest room that morning, they just lay there in the quiet for a while, looking at each other. Dan knew he probably had an embarrassingly soppy look on his face, but he couldn’t bring himself to care right now. Phil was the one person in the world who was allowed to see his soppiest faces. And Phil was looking pretty soppy, himself.

“We’re getting married today,” Phil whispered in wonder, and they wrapped their arms around each other and held each other close for a long time.

They’d planned a short ceremony with fairly simple vows, because they felt they’d said all the most important things to each other already in private. This was merely their public declaration to the world, something to share with their families and make their commitment official.

Phil’s mum had arranged the octagonal room inside the lighthouse with simple but beautiful decorations. A sort of trellised arch stood at one end of the room on a low dais with a podium where the registrar would stand. White and blue flowers of various kinds twined all over the trellis, and simple white cloth chair covers hid the folding chairs where guests would sit. Blue flowers decorated the ends of each row of chairs. The wide windows that surrounded the room let the hazy summer sunlight stream in to shine on the freshly oiled wood floor and walls. It looked perfect.

Dan and Phil went to hide in a small separate room while the guests arrived and seated themselves. While they both tugged at their jackets and fussed with their hair, they could hear the voices of their family members greeting each other and settling down as a recording of soft piano music Dan had chosen played in the background. When the music fell silent, they knew that meant the registrar had assumed his position before the assembly. Dan and Phil met each other’s eyes, heaved a simultaneous deep breath, and waited for the signal.

When Dan heard Debussy’s Claire de Lune start, he glanced at Phil again and they exchanged small nervous smiles and a reassuring squeeze of their hands as they waited the planned several seconds, then left their private lair.

They entered the octagonal room together through the door behind the rows of chairs, and turned apart to walk simultaneously, each alone, up the separate sides of the room until they both turned to meet at the dais and step onto it, facing each other in front of the registrar. Dan wasn’t really aware of their audience, whether their eyes followed him and Phil as they walked, what expressions might be on his family’s faces, whether Mark was somewhere taking photos—he could only think of Phil, and of the poem which had inspired Debussy to write this beautiful music. Phil was the source of this incredible happiness Dan sometimes still found so difficult to believe that he had found. Phil was the pale moonlight that had illuminated his life and melted his sadness into the ecstasy of love.

Standing on the dais, he reached out and Phil met him halfway. They held each other’s hands as they had planned, and Phil’s were a little sweaty with nerves. Dan smiled at him, trying to look reassuring, trying not to let his own jitters show. Why should he be feeling nervous? He certainly had no doubts! It was just … this was it. In a few minutes, they would be married. He really hoped when it was his turn to speak he didn’t forget the vows he’d spent so many hours working on.

The music trailed off, and the room again filled with silence. The registrar looked from Dan to Phil, then back again, smiling in the blandly benign way friendly bureaucrats have. Then he looked out at their gathered family members and began to speak in a voice that rang pleasantly in the odd little room.

“Welcome, loved ones of Daniel Howell and Philip Lester, to witness the celebration of their joining in the joyous bonds of matrimony.” The man kept talking for a few minutes, but Dan couldn’t really focus on his words. He and Phil had okayed them in advance in email, but right now, in the moment, all he could see was Phil’s eyes shining in the sunlight that came through the windows, and all he could hear was the beating of his own heart. Nothing else mattered. Then he jolted to attention when he heard the registrar say, “Daniel and Philip have both prepared some words to say. Philip, would you like to begin?”

Phil nodded, his hands squeezing Dan’s a little harder, and Dan saw his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed, but he looked into Dan’s eyes with a joy Dan couldn’t doubt as he began to speak. “Dan, I never knew it was possible for me to love anyone as much as I love you. I always knew I was kind of weird…” There were soft chuckles in the audience, but Dan’s attention was all on Phil as he continued with a small smile, “I never thought I’d meet someone who understood me like you do, someone who would see my weirdnesses and love them, someone who would make me feel truly accepted and appreciated for everything I am. Even when I steal your cereal.” A quick grin from Phil and more quiet chuckles from the audience. Then Phil’s face settled into serious lines again. “Dan, when I look in your eyes, I see everything I want for our future: I see love, and trust, and patience, and kindness, and honesty even when it’s something I don’t want to hear. Because you challenge me to be a better person, and I love you all the more for that. I want to spend the rest of my life by your side, holding your hand and facing everything that the world might bring us, always together. So today I offer myself to you, body and soul, heart and mind, with the promise that for the rest of my life I will do everything in my power to be as good a partner to you as you have always been to me.”

The registrar nodded and turned to Dan. “Daniel?”

Dan nodded and took a calming breath before he began. “Phil, I never knew it was possible for me to love anyone as much as I love you. My life was so dark before we met, and then suddenly you shone this bright sunlight into my heart and I have never been the same since. You make my life better every day, simply by being in it with me, and I don’t know if I’ve ever really told you how grateful I am to you for that. Sometimes darkness still pulls at me, but you are always there to pull me back into the light, and I can’t imagine my life without you—I don’t want to. I want to spend every day with you for the rest of my life, sharing all of life’s challenges and all of life’s joys. I want to hold your hand when you need comfort, and I want to turn to you when it’s me that needs support, because I know that we will always be there for each other. You will always be my favorite person on the planet, even after you’ve gotten old and wrinkly and aren’t so ridiculously pretty anymore.” A smattering of laughter. “I trust you with all my heart, and I promise to always try to be as kind and patient as you are by your very nature without even trying. I know I’ll slip up sometimes, but I also know that you will forgive me and help me, just as you always have done. And I will try to always do the same. So today I offer myself to you, body and soul, heart and mind, with the promise that for the rest of my life I will do everything in my power to be as good a partner to you as you have always been to me.”

The registrar nodded again, solemn and formal, before intoning, “Daniel and Philip would now like to exchange rings as a token of their commitment.” Dan fished in his pocket, sure that he would have lost the ring. Or maybe Phil would have lost his ring. Nothing had gone wrong yet, which wasn’t very “Dan and Phil,” so he was just waiting for the inevitable disaster. But then his fingers felt the small circle of metal in his pocket and he pulled it out with a sigh of relief. The registrar said, “Daniel, please repeat after me. ‘I, Daniel James Howell, take you, Philip Michael Lester, to be my wedded husband.’”

Dan fidgeted with the ring in his hand, then stopped, certain that he would drop it. “Um, I, Daniel James Howell, take you, Philip Michael Lester, to be my wedded husband.” He slid the ring onto Phil’s left ring finger with not too much effort, then grinned at him like a loon. Phil grinned back, and Dan looked down to see that the other ring was already in Phil’s hand. He looked much calmer now than Dan was feeling.

Dan’s stomach was doing an excited dance and he kept feeling like he might laugh out loud. He tried to stand still and act like a normal person getting married. They were almost done!

He missed the registrar, but clearly heard Phil when he said, “I, Philip Michael Lester, take you, Daniel James Howell, to be my wedded husband.” And then Phil’s hands were gentle on his as he held the platinum band Dan had purchased so long ago with such dreams of this day, and he slid the ring onto Dan’s finger smoothly and easily. Dan looked up from the ring into Phil’s eyes, and he could feel the sting of impending tears. He was not going to cry!

Now came the part Dan and Phil had requested, not wanting only individual promises but also a final moment when they joined together in voicing one last vow. The registrar asked, “Do you, Philip Michael Lester, and you, Daniel James Howell, take each other to be lawfully wedded husbands from this day forward, to love and support each other through good times and bad, until death shall part you?”

Dan and Phil, holding hands tightly, looked at the registrar and said together, “We do,” then turned to look into each other’s eyes again.

The registrar’s voice seemed to ring through the room as he announced, “I now pronounce you legally wed.” He gave them a brief moment to gaze wonderingly at each other, then gestured for them to face their families. “I present to you Daniel and Philip Lester-Howell.” Their families clapped, some more enthusiastically than others. Dan saw his grandma’s polite society face as he glanced around, but also heard Martyn give out a whoop of approval. He turned to look at Phil again, and they walked forward to the group waiting for them.

Phil’s mum, sitting in the front row with Phil’s dad and Dan’s parents, rushed forward to hug them both before anyone else even had a chance. When she hugged Dan, she sobbed, “We love you so much, Dan!” Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she patted at her face and eyes with a handkerchief when she pulled away.

And then they were swamped with hugs and congratulations from every direction, separated by the throng of excited well-wishers as everyone came forward, all talking at once. Dan’s dad shook his hand first, then pulled him into an awkward hug without saying anything before passing him to his mum, who hugged him a bit more warmly and said, “I’m so happy for you, Bear.” Dan smiled down at her when she released him, and then he glanced across the room to try to meet Phil’s eyes.

Phil was hugging Cornelia, who was chattering enthusiastically, but his eyes when they met Dan’s said that this moment was really about the two of them alone, no matter how many other people might be in the room.

The small reception at the Lesters’ house spilled into their lovely back garden, where Phil’s mum had erected a marquee in case of the dreaded rain. The sky, however, had cleared, and sun now shone on the happily mingling group among the profusion of tea rose bushes, hyacinths, and primroses.

Holding Phil’s hand while talking with Martyn and Cornelia, Dan saw his grandmother in conversation with Phil’s mum and wondered if perhaps in time Kathryn’s warmth might help thaw his grandma’s reserve. Later, in passing, he heard his grandma say, “That’s such a kind offer, Kathryn, and it really is so lovely here. I’d be very glad to visit sometime, as you’re kind enough to invite me. We are family now, after all.” Dan’s heart swelled, just knowing that she was making such an effort for his sake. She might still be uncomfortable with the idea of him and Phil, but Phil’s welcoming family was sure to win her over eventually.

He turned back to his own conversation in time to hear Cornelia ask whether he and Phil had written their vows together. Phil replied, “We collaborated on the first and last sentences, because we wanted the ceremony to feel cohesive, but neither of us knew what the other was going to say in between.” He looked into Dan’s eyes. “What you said was so beautiful.”

Dan leaned down for a brief kiss—nothing too heavy in front of the entire fam—and replied with a heart-felt, “You, too.”

They ended up separated, but Phil found him again eventually, and his cheeks were pink.

“What’s up?” Dan asked, taking his hand again. He couldn’t seem to stop doing that today. It just felt good to be joined with Phil in some physical, tangible way after such an emotionally intense experience.

His husband. Phil was his husband now. He squeezed Phil’s hand, then remembered the funny look on his face.

Phil leaned close to tell him quietly, “We aren’t staying the night here in the guest room.”

Confused, Dan asked, “What? Why? Then where are we staying?”

Phil shifted from one foot to the other, an obvious sign that he was uncomfortable, then said, “My parents rented us one of the little cottages near the village.”

Dan tilted his head in question, knowing Phil would explain without him asking.

Phil put his lips right next to Dan’s ear and whispered, “My mum insisted. She said tonight is the one night in my life when I shouldn’t have to worry about my mum overhearing me in the next room.”

Dan laughed out loud and pulled Phil into a hug. Phil really did have the best family.

“I guess maybe we haven’t always been as discreet as we thought.”

Phil brushed even brighter and Dan laughed again, loud and happy.

A month later, their suitcases still unpacked from the honeymoon, they sat side-by-side on the sofa in their flat, each with their laptop open on their knees, both with Twitter windows prepped. They exchanged glances.

“Ready?” Dan asked, and Phil nodded. “1, 2, 3!” They hit the buttons at the same time. Dan’s Twitter name changed at the same moment that Phil’s did.

Then they turned to Tumblr, then Instagram, and so on, until everywhere on social media they were Daniel Lester-Howell and Phil Lester-Howell. Then they closed their laptops, not planning to open them again until tomorrow. Tonight was for them. Tonight was for anime and cuddles on the couch and long kisses and no worries about anything or anyone outside this cozy flat.

“Pizza for dinner?” Dan asked casually, and his wonderful, beautiful, amazing husband nodded with the loveliest smile in the world.

[moodboard inspired by this chapter]

[Continue to the Epilogue]

Poodle or die

I’m sitting here, teaching a pediatric medical course right now, watching the videos along with the students, and I feel it coming on I feel the depression coming It’s crazy This journal was supposed to be the story of a burgeoning humanitarian struggling to get back to what he loved most - Africa Instead, it has turned into a tale of psychological self-discovery, a fight for survival against one’s own mind I fear the coming months are going to be a fight against money That’s typically when I do worst - when I’m worried about money And I’ll have to fight against money alone. I’m not sure if Nia left me or I left her, but it doesn’t matter. She never even pretended to care. My friends told me a girl who messages me back a day or two after I messaged her doesn’t care. But I didn’t listen. I took her to the $1,200 play she had always dreamed of seeing before she seems to have dropped me. That’s right, the financial problems will be my fault as always. I wasn’t trying to buy love, I was just trying to show how much I care and hoped someone might care back. Wrong, again. Yes I still think it’s cool I made a first-generation Ethiopian girl’s dreams come true, and yes the play was fucking amazing. Even though there were more black people on stage than in the entire crowd. And every seat was taken. I don’t think she appreciated me pointing that out. She doesn’t see the things I see. She’s never been to Africa. I would have taken her too, but maybe it would have been too late for her mind to understand anyways. At this point, she’s just another American. The chronic disease of being-an-American defines her now. Did I mention she didn’t text me back all day the day of the play, and I actually was trying to find someone to go in her place because I thought I was getting stood up? Did I mention it was literally past the time when I was supposed to pick her up - and I was about to go to a bus stop and offer strangers the ticket - when she finally called back? Maybe she’s seeing someone else. Fuck it, I’m getting a dog. I’m not sure if I even care if I can afford a dog. Every day I wish Maya would message me. But she never does. I want to talk to her so bad, but every time she messages me (about a month ago was the last time), I delete her number. Knowing what I want and knowing what’s right is something I might be getting slowly better at. The dog is what’s right now. I really will. I will kill myself in the darkest part of the winter, when business sales are low or I’m worried about the IRS or some girl has hurt me again, I WILL kill myself this winter, unless something changes. I could never blow my brains out with a dog who loves me in the other room. Never. The last two days I’ve been obsessing over researching the dog purchase. My dad is a veterinarian, so obviously he was my first stop. When presented in the context of, “This could be challenging, but women treat me like shit and women and children are way more expensive,” he was actually quite supportive. But only after suggesting, “How about no women or dogs. Maybe pet rock?” Pet 9mm Glock that expels a 1,500 feet per second steel projectile into my inner brain is the alternative. If he’d known that he wouldn’t have suggested the rock. I’ll be in Africa for a week in early October, so I’m hoping to bring him home right after I get back. I hate that the poor little bastard will have to live his first months in the fierce winter of The Big City. But shit, I have to live through those months too, and at least we’ll have each other. And once again, if I wait, I’m probably dead. This big business move I’m making, there is a good chance it will fail. In which case, once again, the only thing keeping me alive while fighting through bankruptcy battles and maybe dropping out of medical school, would be the dog. If I turn out to be a failure in everything and wrong about everything, well, the dog won’t give a shit. He’ll just want to play and cuddle. And if I actually finish school and move to east Africa, he can come too. No matter how hard, I’ll smuggle his ass in. My dad says if you shave a Labrador, the shedding isn’t too bad. Their coat is thick though, so a lab would struggle in some of the hotter areas of east Africa. What people don’t realize is that the Standard Poodle is the Navy SEAL of dogs. They don’t shed, so they leave no trace. They have thin skin and a long nose, which is good for hot climates, and they can grow their hair out for more warmth in a colder climate. They’re also light and agile, and can swim or run for long distances. Lastly, they’re always considered one of the smartest dog breeds. I hope I can keep up. Redacted Two days have passed I’m in bed now I woke up around noon, I think I worked from 7p to 7a last night On the way home, I started crying real bad That hasn’t happened in a while I don’t think I’ve cried while driving in years. It’s very rare I cry at all. I don’t know whether to describe the things I see at work anymore. I don’t know if I can. I just know the day after I always seem to wind up sitting around replaying things I saw the night before. At first I was upset they put me in triage. I hadn’t worked there in 7 months. I didn’t realize it would bring me so much closer to the horror of what’s going on out there. In triage, you hear all the stories. The shift started with a whimper. I had a middle aged black woman walk up to my triage desk with a suitcase and a four year old child. “I was told by the state that I can come here to seek shelter.” Wait what. I had absolutely no fucking clue what to say. All I knew was that she was at the wrong place. Charge nurse told me to call the city hotline. I did, and when the lady on the hotline asked to talk to the woman in need of shelter, I went into the waiting room, handed my $800 cell phone to her, and then left the room. God has taught me a lot over time. One thing I’ve learned is that I’m generally protected when taking risks to help people in need. Generally safe, that is. Safe from immediate adverse harm. Not safe from long term consequences though. After I got my phone back and some amount of time passed, I noticed she was gone. We had a number of those throughout the night, but the rest just wanted to sleep in the waiting room. One of them was a younger black woman, must have been in her late 20’s. She said she was homeless, and her torn clothing and disheveled grooming seemed to reinforce that statement. The only question she didn’t seem to answer was, “What do the voices say when you hear them.” She got a really terrifying look in her eye when I asked that. But she didn’t answer. Even when I asked twice more. When Dan left me in triage alone with her for a minute, my mood immediately changed. It was weird. I guess I have my guard up when I’m around other staff members. Immediately after he walked out of the room, I felt a kind of intimacy with her. I wish I could have held her. But she would never have wanted to hug me, and it wouldn’t have made her feel any better even if it had happened. She had asked me for a blanket, and I grabbed her one before she left. It wasn’t before she had left the room completely and gone back out to the waiting room that I noticed there was blood on the chair she had been sitting in. I figured it was probably from a patient before her, so I grabbed a wet wipe and cleaned it off. A minute later I was back up front in triage, and I noticed there was even more blood on another chair she had sat in before I had taken her to the back room for blood draw. In emergency medicine, we’re not supposed to assume anything, so I needed to figure out where she was bleeding from. Obviously it was probably menstrual, but I couldn’t assume that. If it was rectal bleeding, although extremely unlikely, it could be deadly. I went and searched for her in the waiting room, and I found her lying on the concrete floor with the blanket over her. She had made a little bed for herself, using a small piece of clothing as a pillow. “Are you bleeding?” No response. “Where are you bleeding from?” Then she blurted out, “On my period I guess.” I walked away. I decided to get her another blanket, and a blanket for the other homeless man trying to sleep on the waiting room. I walked to the blanket warmer in a nonsensical path, not allowing any of the employees to see me twice. I knew it was against policy to give people in the waiting room a blanket. Back when I worked in the ER at (redacted), I used to take tons of juice out to the waiting room and give it out to anyone who wanted some. They would have been furious had they caught me doing that. When I put the second blanket on her, I guess I had meant to kind of lay it over her, but since I was standing over her and hadn’t taken the time to lean down, it came out as more of a throw. The top of the blanket, still balled up, smacked her in the face. She didn’t move, or react at all. I wondered if she even knew what had just happened, and, if she did, what she thought of it. It didn’t matter though. Here was a young, black, penniless, filthy, schizophrenic, woman, lying, soaked, in her own menstrual blood, on a concrete floor, in a dilapidated hospital, in a devastated, ultra-violent, 100% Black neighborhood, three miles from Trump tower and its $60 cocktails. And I just aggressively hit her in the head with a blanked stained with blood from one of her young Black brothers shot to death on the same streets she sleeps in, gets raped in. I am sorry I hide this. People should hear it. I just spent six hours shopping for dog clothing online. I just mailed a $750 deposit for a pure bred standard poodle this morning. Because I can’t even hear it myself. I started fighting this war so long ago, and unlike those who never even cared to admit they have a role in this war, or that there’s even anything to fight, I have become affected more and more by the war and my identity in it. I am ultimately isolated and alienated, by my own mental illness, and the burden of the path that mental illness and the abuse I have suffered and witnessed has taken me down. And I come to the same conclusion I came to before my shift last night. I really need a fucking dog. Redacted I hated my mom, for so many years after high school. Simply for what she did to me. It’s crazy that I finally learned that my dad told her that he would leave her if she didn’t get mental help, and she refused to. That made perfect sense. I think the turning point, where I stopped blaming the person and started to feel compassion for what the disease did to the person, was my trip to Sand state. She had a guest bedroom and a guest bathroom in this house she’d been renting for a while. She’d tried to make everything perfect for me, had a clean towel in there and new toiletries if I needed them. When I went to take a shower that night, I turned on the water. Turned the nobs a bit. Waited. Turned them some more. And waited. Eventually, I figured out the hot water didn’t work in there. She had never had anyone stay with her. No one had actually ever used the guest bedroom, or bathroom. Redacted When I walked back to my bedroom from the bathroom, I glanced at the shelves and saw the toothbrush and toothpaste in the packaging on the top shelf. I’d bought them when I started the whole dating app thing. The one girl who had stayed over I guess was too drunk to use them. I offered in the morning if she wanted to shower and everything, but she just wanted to fuck more and then leave. I hoped that Nia would eventually use them. I’ll never know what was going on in that girl’s head. But I know God saved her a bullet by keeping her from wanting me. I think people like my mom and me (saying “my mom and me” is pure evidence of how much I’ve come to understand this year - I never would have said anything like that before), I think people like my mom and me need to live alone. Yes, when I was dancing violently to Juice Wrld a minute ago and then fell to the floor and spit on the floor, yes, I wouldn’t be able to act that way if I lived with someone else. And maybe keeping that bottled in wouldn’t even be bad for me. But still, it feels right to be alone. To flush all this out. It would just terrify and damage someone else. I wonder what my mom does when she’s alone. As kids, I just remember she would get depressed and watch TV for long, long periods of time. And then she would obsess herself with weird projects and work tirelessly on them. I just thought of something scary. I’m supposed to have bipolar II. But my mom got hospitalized. Did she have bipolar I? Ok I’m going to stop thinking about that and just finish this post the way I had planned to. I used to have all sorts of cool names I thought I could name my book. Now I’m thinking, “Living for Suicide: Meditations on Mental Illness, Sacrifice, and Being Alone” The title doesn’t even fucking mention Africa anymore Fuck I’m still going to accomplish something, right?