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ficdirectory · 7 years

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Disuphere (An AU Fosters family fic) Chapter 36

CHAPTER 36

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Missing: 3 years, 7 months and 5 days

Seventh grade had been the actual worst. Josh was almost failing everything, except for art and gym where he had steady As. The only reason he wasn’t actually failing was because Dad would kill him. No joke. So he was barely passing the academic stuff, but whatever. If this was gonna be his life, what would he need an education for?

In study hall, he borrowed Alexa Chen’s phone. She reminded him of Mariana, even though, in Josh’s mind, she never aged, and was still nine. Alexa was nice and smart and sharp. Josh admired her. Pretty much everybody thought they should have a thing, but Josh wasn’t interested.

He ignored the taunts that he must be gay. (They were “sure” it must be true because of the not dating thing and his long hair - as if that meant anything - except that he was being forced to never cut his hair, and messed with so he never wanted to get close to anybody…)

Josh signed into his Facebook. (He turned 13 last month, and basically promised Dad to be His slave forever if He kept His word and let Josh get a Facebook like the rest of the world.) At home, He monitored Josh online like the CIA or some crap, but He couldn’t control whose phone he borrowed at school.

At Dad’s insistence, Josh had zero Facebook friends and his profile pic was of one of his shoes. But without Dad literally looking over his shoulder, Josh could actually search for people instead of playing Cookie Land for 20 minutes a day.

Josh typed in Stefanie Foster San Diego and found zip. Lena Adams Anchor Beach Charter School? The same nothing. (Seriously what was up with them that they weren’t on social media?) Josh glanced at the clock. Still time for one more search:

Brandon Foster San Diego Anchor Beach.

Holy shit. There he was. His profile pic shows him with some girl Josh didn’t know. He scrolled down the page, shocked. Brandon’s page had zero privacy settings - everything was set to public. There were a billion selfies of Brandon making the same face, and 12 billion pics of him and the girl. Josh’s heart sank. No pics of Moms. None of Mari. But then Josh saw the status update:

Brandon Foster

at 10:55am

Moms bday in 2 days hmu w ideas. Srsly. Desperate to stay off the shit list.

Josh swallowed. He’d forgotten it was almost Mom’s birthday. Did that make him horrible? Or realistic? (Why think about the birthday of a person you’re never gonna see again?) Still, Josh always thought of Mariana on hers. What kind of son did that make him?

Glancing at the clock, Josh saw he was down to five minutes left of study hall. So, he didn’t let himself think, just typed:

Cant go wrong w a pic of you and any sibs. Take a new one or frame an old one.

The response came in seconds:

Ok idek who you are and idc. You just saved my ass Josh Mitchell. Genius.

Not really, he thought. This many years away, and he ached for a picture of his family.

He could only imagine Stef might want the same.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Missing: 4 years and 1 month

If nobody noticed how Josh came into elementary school half-dead those couple of times...if nobody noticed the happy kid act in 6th grade was a mask...if nobody noticed his silent slide into depression last year....then why the hell should he be surprised now?

At least once a quarter some idiot pulled the fire alarm at school - either that or they were required to be sure the kids get the shit scared out of them regularly - it sure worked on Josh.) Every time, all of them had to go stand outside and wait for LAPD to show up, and say they were safe from the imaginary fire.

Every time, Josh made sure to stand at the front of the crowds of kids (so they could see his short ass) pulling back his Biblically long hair with a rubber band so his face was in plain view. It was everything he dared to do without actually screaming his other name out….which was only okay, he knew, if he had a death wish.

(With the new kid around, Josh knew He wouldn’t need much reason to just off him and be done with it. Josh couldn’t take the risk.)

Josh stood as close to the closest cop car as he could, willing the cops to make eye contact. He didn’t trust cops as far as he could throw them, but as an alternative to certain death? Josh knew he had to try.

So he walked out in front of a car preparing to move. The officer honked and yelled at him to get out of the street.

For the rest of the day, Josh’s nerves were destroyed and he had a massive headache. He didn’t do anything in class.

Let him fail.

Let him fail every damn thing.

Who would care anyway?

Level 1 was there like an old friend, and Josh stayed blank until the end of the day. No one noticed. Why would they?

Brandon’s voice tried to butt into his distant haze on Josh’s walk back to His house: “Seriously? If you fail on purpose, Moms are going to kill you.”

Josh saw the house - nothing special on the outside - and shivered: “Not if He kills me first,” he said out loud to no one.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Home: 2 months and 23 days

Walking back into Anchor Beach four years later, as an eighth grader, Jesus felt like a time machine had dropped him off. All his friends were huge. Mariana was way taller than him so they looked weird walking down the hall together. Twins, but not really twins. It bummed Jesus out.

At least the press had died down and no news people cared he was here.

“Jesus! Where you been?” a senior asked. He looked friendly enough but was the size of a California Redwood. Then he said, “Totally thought you died. You’re back, though. Awesome.”

“Shut up, Sam!” Mariana said, like Sam couldn’t snap her like a twig.

“What?” Sam said. “It’s a good thing. I mean I’m glad to see him!”

Jesus couldn’t move. His heart was about to hammer through his chest and he really felt like puking.

“Jesus? It’s okay. He’s gone,” Mariana reassured.

Blinking, he focused in, and saw they were the only ones left in the hall. He must’ve zoned out for longer than he thought.

“Mama put you in a lot of my classes, remember? And if we’re not together, and you need me? Text me.”

“Yeah…” Jesus answered. But Sam’s words were still in his head.

Classes passed in a blur and Jesus couldn’t concentrate on anything. But when anybody asked about Then, it was like Jesus had to listen:

“So, was it awful?” Lexi asked, sidling up to him in the hall like no time had passed since he was chasing her and Mariana on the playground. (Lexi’s family had just gotten back from spending winter break in Honduras. She hadn’t seen him yet, but Mariana must’ve given her a heads-up.)

Jesus shrugged. Dr. Hitchens said he could always say he wasn’t comfortable answering, but that would just give them more to gossip about.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Oh, I’m so sorry…” she said, wrapping her arms around him. She was taller, like Mariana, so her arm came around his neck and squeezed. It felt like he was choking.

He couldn’t feel his body.

Lexi didn’t let go right away. And Jesus stood there, his arms at his sides. When she pulled back, Jesus wasn’t listening.

He only came back when he smelled Mariana’s perfume - something light and flowery - she was looking concerned - offering her sweatshirt. He stared, not understanding.

“Put this around your waist, okay. So it covers you.” (Why did she look so worried?)

But then Jesus glanced down, and saw. It was just like That Day. When he was so scared in that duffel bag that he couldn’t hold it.

His ears burned.

“It’s okay. I don’t think anyone saw. Come with me. We’ll find Mama.”

“I’ll just go to the nurse?” he asked, because he did not want to show up looking like a damn toddler at Mama’s office.

Mariana hesitated. “Can I text her at least?”

Jesus didn’t even know she was asking him until she said it again.

He thought of Then. Of his fear. Of being humiliated. And then he heard Mama in his head from last month:

I don’t make fun of people. That’s not kind.

“Yeah,” Jesus nodded.

Mama took him home. Let him change. Asked if he was okay. What he needed.

“Can we just sit on the couch?” he asked.

“Sure.”

So, they sat.

Jesus inched closer and closer until he was right next to her. He laid his head on her shoulder. “I’m not sure I can do school. I might be too dumb.”

Mama paused and thought. “If you can’t go to Anchor Beach, we can figure something out. You’re not dumb, my love, you’re stressed. It makes sense.”

“Does it?” he asked.

“It does. Let’s call Dr. Hitchens. See if she’s got an earlier opening today. What do you think?”

Jesus bristled. “I don’t want to…”

Mama only spoke after another long pause. “How about we keep your 3:30 then? That way nothing has to change.”

“I guess,” he muttered. Even if Mama didn’t talk about it directly, it was still so embarrassing. “Can I tell you something? Maybe it’ll make you mad…”

“You can tell me anything.” Mama reassures.

“I really hate school.”

“I understand.” Mama said. “And I’m not mad. In fact, can I tell you something?” she echoed.

Jesus nodded.

“Sometimes I really hate school, too. It reminds me of losing you. And I hate that feeling.”

Carefully, Jesus put his arms around her, and laid his head back down on her shoulder. “I’m right here. I can’t be lost if I’m right here.”

“I love you, Jesus.”

He stiffened, but relaxed again. “Yeah,” he whispered. “I think I know that.”

#fic: disuphere #fosters fic

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kakahut · 5 years

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Post-30-Life Update

So I had a somewhat birthday party. It was way more interesting and fun than I expected. Angela came back to Shanghai for the weekend just right on time. She went to Huangshan with Brandon, a really nice guy from California. I met Brandon last year before he moved back to the US, and it was a great surprise he came back for my birthday celebration.

I always wanted to introduce Brandon to Will. I thought they could be a good match. Brandon is so fluent in Chinese and has a very good understanding of Chinese culture. He is well educated, not some trashy expat who has no appreciation of their lives in here. He loves China, not in an annoying stupid white privilege way. He truly understands the culture and are very open minded about it. He is so kind, generous and really good at taking care of people. Then they finally met. Before the meeting, Will was being a bit bitchy to me because I was trying to set him up with a gay guy, and that’s a bit rude. “I don’t want to be friends with people just because you think we are all gay.” I get that. It turned out that I was right. They have great chemistry. They really like each other when they first met. Even it was just a long weekend, they soon became the love birds in the group. I am happy for Will. I don’t know what the future is going to be, but I can sense he met Brandon in a right time. Timing is so important, isn’t it?

I basically kept celebrating my Bday from Friday to Monday. We had dinner together, then I went to yoga with Brandon and Angela, then picnic with Yaxin and the girls, then karaoke with a bunch of their friends, then another round of nice dinner, then another round of celebration on Monday with some of my close friends ( Catiah was not there, sad). A lot of booze. I didn’t drink that much but I have not been drinking so frequently for a very long time. I miss that. I felt loved and supported. I was really happy that Teddy came all the way from Yangpu to my birthday dinner, after all, he was not such a robot. I saw another side of him, a funny, social and chill person underneath his layers of logic facade. I was so happy to see Chasnal again after our time in Mumbai. It just all happened, suddenly, somehow, they all showed up unexpectedly.

I got a bit anxious before my B day, but now I am at peace again. Everything is on the right track, except my mum still refused to add me back on wechat. I am making financial plans, going after my goals in life, and I have great friends around me, I can’t complain that much at all.

Well, I was a bit disappointed that Min didn’t even send me a birthday email. Man, like seriously? I sent you an email every fucking year on your B day like right on time! Not even like China time, always US time. Hmmm, ok, I got the message, you moved on. I moved on, too. But can we just be fake friends who pretend to “care” about each other? Stephan even sent me a note on facebook! I didn’t even date him that long! Ugh, I am turning 30, dude! 30!!!! You suck, man. I just have to say, you really suck.

Ok, I feel much better now to say that. I didn’t feel much a change about my age. Yeah, I still want to fall in love for sure. Maybe I am having a smaller and smaller pool of guys I can choose compared to my 20s, but who cares, I don’t need that many guys. I just need one. And I am better everyday, and I have a much clear understanding of who I am now. I am content.

I think I am not that “fun” anymore. I am a bit boring now. But I love it. I love the boring me on the outside. I have no one I wanna impress and I don’t think it is necessary to do that.

I am glad where I am now. Of course I felt anxious, and of course I felt I am not enough, and of course when I compared my life to people who already “ had everything”, I felt like a loser deep inside. But I believe everyone has their own pace in their own lives. So far, I am ok with this pace, I am rush to go anywhere or become anything.

I am Carol. I am Xinyu. I am the better version of me everyday.

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qtlitoang3l · 6 years

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2018 .

another year down .. it went by very fast didnt it ? time is going by even faster .

2017 was a year full of roller coasters .. a lot of ups , but equally as many downs . i usually reflect my year in Dec/Jan so here it goes . January: I started school again . BIG step , considering i was out for 2 years before then . i remember how excited yet nervous i was . im so glad i did it . It was also the month that my good friend from high school , Brandon , told me that he was getting deployed (he’s in the army) in Feb . i was scared , but all i could do was pray for him to come back home alive . he came back home last month (Dec 2017) safe and sound . i thanked God for watching over him . unfortunately , a few days later , my dad got a heart attack .. now THAT was the scariest moment of my life . i still remember that day very clearly . it haunts me every time . ill never forget the sight of my dad holding his chest , sliding down the couch , and grabbed my hand for his life , grasping for breathe . after 3 days being in the hospital , he was discharged with meds and a new plan for his diet . my mom was by herself at work so my siblings and i had to go out to help while my dad was in the hospital . i knew how scared she gets when shes by herself . my dad and i werent on good terms for a year until this moment happened . i guess we both realized that life is so short and that anything could happen in a second . more importantly , im so glad he’s okay til this day . On a happier note , that was also the month that i purchased my first firearm ! so bad ass right ? The beginning of the year was rough , but it got better ! February: Had dinner with Brandon and Aimee b4 he got deployed . Again , i prayed for his safety . I went to a concert (william singe and alex aiono) , which was so fun . Not much happened that month . Had a valentine’s day dinner with the girls and with an old friend .

March: this month was important because thats when i found that my sister was having a boy!! amazing news right ? and i could finally be an aunt ! I also watched the Lion King on broadway . i think thats a pretty cool thing to mention , right ? it was such a good show !

April: Finals month ... ugh . also my bday month .. didnt do anything cuz all my finals were on the week of my bday . Got my car fixed that month too after that bad car accident . ugh . May: went to a friend’s dowry , did my first 5K bubble run , went to a house warming party , picked up my mom from her 2 week vacation . she deserved it . Did i mention it was the first semester that i start a nursing course ? nerve-wracking!!

June: My sister’s baby shower . SO FUN ! i decorated everything and bought this beautiful cake . everything was obviously blue :) i also remember having A LOT of exams back to back . not fun at all .

July: My nephew was born .. it was the best day ever . it changed my life . i am an auntie !! he made everyone so happy and everyone was so happy to see him . it was nice to see my whole family together and happy . I also went to a really fun wedding that month .

August: After a brutal semester and final , I WENT TO LA !! its been forever since ive been on vacation !! i prefer to go with friends , but i went with my siblings . ups and down on that trip and wouldnt wanna travel again with them unless my parents were there . lesson learned and long story . still have pictures that i havent posted from that trip !

September: went to birthday dinners , a wedding , apartment warmings , a “bachelor” party (lol) and started school again . This was also the month that one of the doctors at DH passed away from breast cancer . it was a very gloomy time for my coworkers . i wasnt at work when everyone found out , but ive heard about it . everyone didnt want to work . the atmosphere completely changed . I went to her funeral , but only the beginning part . instead of being sad , we celebrated her life as a doctor and her passion for her career . it was a sad time and the world lost such a talented person . RIP Dr. Stanfield. at the end of the month my friend dan got married at city hall , which was everything he wanted . didnt have to spend a lot of money at all ! October: My friend threw a huge house party for his birthday . parties are not like they use to be . but because most of the ppl there were older , there wasnt much drinking or playing games , which was the sucky part . no one really wanted to do anything . not sure why , but it is what it is . Also did a photoshoot that month , which i havent done in a long time . forgot how much fun it was .

November: Ughhhh drama month out of all the other months , only because this girl is totally obsessed with her ex and hes literally the only thing she talks about . basically we went to the club and she KNEW he was gonna be there yet she decided to come with us . okay . she sees him , starts freaking out , gets all dramatic like “OMG he totally saw me” type of dramatic . it actually went as far as “i could get him kicked out RIGHT NOW if i wanted . i KNOW the bouncers here , dont test me” yeup .. DRAMA . it was entertaining at the same time . my mistake was that she could handle herself . no , she was totally sloppy and even fell.. in front of her ex .. nbd -.- GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER . i stopped hanging out with her .. i couldnt handle it the negative vibes . she came to the thanksgiving party the week after and of course she brought that weekend back and started venting about how she saw her ex and shit . i honestly didnt care . Anyways , thanksgiving with the sister’s in laws was alright . there was some questionable food that i had no idea what the mom was cooking though .. it was some weird things .

December: went to a holiday party , met and saw some friends . it was a good time ! that was also the month that i thought i was gonna fail but ended up passing in the end . THANK GOD . the whole week after the final , i literally went out every day to go drink . you can tell how much stress i was under . lol . i noticed that i was getting a cough , so i cooled down on the drinking after that week . figured i should take care of myself right ? i watched a cirque du soleil show . fantastic as usual . My friend duy asked me to part of this pageant because there was not enough girls .. hmm ... well i didnt wanna just compete because there werent a lot of girls .. so he sat me down and literally gave me a power point show as to why i should join . LOL . i appreciated the time and effort , so id do it for a friend in need . it’ll be fun ! maybe not intense as miss massachusetts but it’ll be a good experience . a big accomplishment that month was when i went snowboarding for the first time in my life !! omg it was so much more fun that i thought it was ! i was hesitant to go because my student that passed away from a snowboarding accident (RIP) , but i couldnt be afraid forever .. it was for him :)

And nooow .. we are in January !! crazy how much has happened in a year .. my resolution this year , besides spending time with my brother , is be more carefree and not care what other ppl think . i think i need to focus on being happy instead of trying to please others . i was told by someone .. that i should be myself more and ppl will see how fun/funny i am . haha , maybe i should ! i will def try . ive kept my guard up for a long time around a lot of ppl and i know ill regret it 50 years from now when im old . im gonna wish i was myself more .

as for you .. yes you .. you know exactly who you are .. i left a section specifically for you . its been a while .. a long while actually . you may or may not still read my .. “journal” .. i might just be writing this for no one to read and now one will ever see , but i guess ill never know . and its okay . even though youre not here anymore and you may not ever be anymore , im living my life the best way that i can , going through life like i never knew you . has it been hard ? yes . am i forgetting our memories ? .. i might have .. i mightve even forgotten what you look like . i dont go on your social media and you are prob doing the same . i think of you from time and time , but not in the way that you think . in a way that i hope you are doing well and only sending you positive vibes . i still pray for you and ask you to be watched over . anyways . i know youre mad .. and i understand . you’ll always have a hold of me .. but eventually .. i have to let that go .. or at least i have to learn how to . i miss our friendship , but i guess if i care about you that much .. i cant be selfish anymore . and i promise that after this , i wont be writing about you anymore .. it’ll all just disappear eventually .. my wish to you is to find happiness . i hope you can promise me that .. take care of yourself .

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girlwithsword · 7 years

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so i haven’t journaled in 2 weeks because i am a #mess and a lot of stuff has happened so i think broad summaries are more in order

basic themes: the summer, school, the next week, the house, ken, friends, family, my health

the summer: we had the group sicha for mosh madatz applicants and i had my interview with ari for the gilboa position, galil applications just came out

i don’t think i’m going to get mosh or gilboa - not ‘cause i’m not qualified, i am, but there just seems to be a lot of people more suited for that tafkid at those machanot than myself

galil is still open and idk as much what the landscape is like so it’s still a possibility, but idk what i’m going to to if i don’t get madatz madricha. i have been actively trying to separate what i want from the summer from the tafkid and i can’t do it.

Hannah and Sarah have made a proposal for a kvutzah messima based on leading nachshonimot and I’m down with that, but Hannah think that i could just go to Galil and be with their bogrimot and do that and maybe i could but a) that still wouldn;t give me the tzevet experience i’m looking for b) i wouldnt have the time or freedom to build a tochnit and c) i do NOT want to be the person coming in to the summer, especially as an outsider, demanding to be with certain kids! That person sucks!

I’ve talked to Hannah and to Bekah about it and im trying to talk to the mads but if i don’t get madatz madricha it’s really hard to justify going to a new machaneh to be on tzevet ragil to myself and my mother, not when there is SO MUCH theatre over the summer

anyway we just had a kvutzah call about it - Hannah, Jess and Toviah are applying for MBI! Sara and Ari are thinking about gesher! but sara still only wants to come for one session? arron fine is applying for madatz at miriam and maybe gilboa but idk?

i do have an idea, that maybe if i don’t get madatz, i stay in the city, work in theatre over the summer and spend my free time facilitating the kvutzah. like everyone gets so busy and hyper focused over kayitz and i could be an eye in the sky, keeping everyone updated, helping people with resource gathering and editing peulot - i could still be involved while not missing a summer of opportunities

school: so things are a lot more overwhelming than i want them to be

‘cause i had a bad week at the end of january i feel behind and i still haven;t totally caught up and it’s coming to mid-semester and that’s gonna catch up with me

monologue study is a lot more work than i expected - just doing all the xfript work is taking much longer than i planned for - i /just/ finished making the Lists yesterday and I’ve been working on that for WEEKS. Luckily, we don’t actually have class this week so all that stuff is due after the break - unluckily, i can’t really do work over the break and that shit needs to get done - more on that later

however, my actual piece is looking really good and some of the warm ups and breathing exercises have helped so much! two classes ago we did these breath exercises and then went around and each said a central line from our pieces and i have never been so in the moment and real and in my breath than right then and now i have had a taste and want that always

we’ll be starting shakespeare after the break and i want to try something new, I love my Beatrice, but there is something to be said for repertoire building. Rosanna suggested looking into Rosalind pieces from As You Like It and that’s promising. I might... try a Juliet? Like, idk if that’s worthwhile im just... not a Juiet, im never gonna be the ingenue, why try? but having something sweeter is definitely a goal, idk i looked at Rosalind pieces and i think there is something that catches my eye

scene study has a similar issue in that the written work is a lot more overwhelming and time consuming than i planned and that /is/ due next week so. however, rehearsals have been going AMAZING, we’re like 98% off book and have to focus on picking up the pace, sticking to tactics and not playing attitudes and getting the blocking a little more fine tuned.

we had dress rehearsals tuesday and it was a WRECK. /no one/ was off book, a couple scenes were just /stopped/ midway through and everyone was off. then we went up, the only group who didn;t even once call for a line and who was actually on top of our shit. i admit, it felt kinda good to be the best. though, the bar was kinda low.

I’m being mean, a lot of people had good moments and most of the scenes that derailed derailed ‘cause ONE particular person clearly didn;t have their shit together and it threw everyone off.

Brandon and i rehearsed today and got pacing a little more down and he’s gonna come over sunday and do a final rehearsal before tuesday’s presentation!!

my elective has been a lot less interesting than i was hoping for, the classes are kinda boring but at least it’s pretty easy. HOWEVER, we did a field trip to city hall yesterday and THAT was fascinating! we got to sit in on the city council sessions as they were deciding the budget and it was! so! cool! that’s the room where it fucking happens. and like, we should all be more on top of local politics ‘cause that’s where the day to day shit gets figured out. i did a whole snapchat rant about it it’s good

fevergraph isn’t technically school but it’s been going really well - i got to get some emotional stuff out through the journeys and i’ve gotten my heart rate up a few times, last class is next week and i think i’m gonna look into maybe some voice lessons for the next half of the semester?

anyway: sunday i need to get all my fucking scene work done, monday i should record all my notes for my TOR midterm ‘cause tuesday im running around a lot and i need to study for that. monologue stuff will have to wait - that’ll be wednesday/thursday, cause thursday afternoon... i’m getting on a plane to israel

so, that’s happening. i kinda was just.., thinking about it.. and then jazz said that if i went she would go with me.. and then my parents said they’d give me 300 for the trip as a bday present.. and then i booked tickets. we’re still figuring out exact details in terms of where we’re staying when but i’ve e-mailed mona and paul and talia and the mads about it and we’re figuring it out

so, yeah... that’s happening. we’re gonna chill and see people and go read on the beach and i’m going to where nothing but dressed the whole time and i’m so fucking excited.

in the meantime, this week i have to get all this fucking work done, my birthday is this weekend!! (there’s gonna be cupcakes and whiskey and an entire afternoon of theatre!!!!) and we need to shove in ten thousand roommate interviews in there sometime

‘cause YEAH, updates on Murnau House: we still haven;t found a new person for the Room That Cannot Be Filled which is Annoying and the previous occupant has not been as ontop of finding a replacement as he said he would so Sam is leading the search, bless her

aaaand our fridge broke last week, again, and we lost a BUNCH of food, but due to my skills of being a polite and efficient BITCH thanks to my mum, we got a new one pretty quickly and that’s going fine.

the ken: we had a tubshvat carnival two weeks ago, some bogrimot came and volunteered, it went fine, but i wasnt as invested as i should’ve been - however, i did see Iris there!! whcih was nice, she’s gonna be chinuch at shomiria this summer and she did the habo/hashi birthright! very cool

then, sem. so, we had a tzevet of 7 for 40 kids, two of whom lefton the saturday night. aaron and yehuda of all people were on mitbach and the post mbiers were a big help. the schedule pretty much went out the window becuase we didn’t even get in till after midnight in friday due to the storm.

i did however get an entire busload of kids off the bus, to a rest stop and back on to the bus in FIFTEEN MINUTES ‘cause i’m amazing, we went to camp and the kids had fun even tho it was very Emotional for me, and we re focused on The Krinkle Project for messima, and even tho we didn;t do the vaad stuff i hoped for, i think we can move forward if i get my shit together enough. we also did kvutzah peulot that, even if they didn’t go /so/ great, i think brought important ideas and next steps into a lot of the kids minds about how to be stronger as a kvtzot

there was gonna be a katkateam this weekend but ido and i are both on vaccations so that’s been cancelled. there;s a purim party on the 5th that might launch our participation in Krinkle if we get that together. Mifgash with Tavor in March, spring sem in May, maybe one final event for messima and then... we’re done. at least. I am. I’m done. And I should be expecting a cheque from Shaul any day now.

friends: sima is interning on a CTV show and getting updates on the PM’s schedule in her work e-mail, and graduating soon

julia is kind’ve her usual mess but also starting to turn a profit in selling her embroideries on etsy, but idk if she has like a plan of any kind? and that worries me to a degree

mikki’s cosplay stuff is BOOMING and she’s back with Lou but... she’s still being kinda self destructive and i’m worried about her??

josh just finished a show and i haven;t talked to him in a while....

anna grace and natty are putting on a show that natty wrote!

i don’t ... have that many friends??

family: same pretty much. Alex is migrating in a month, they’re moving a little closer to me than i like but what can you do.

Batsheva was here, we had one of our Talks, i need to find a more permanent therapist to go deeper with once school is done. i should probably join a group... but that im where im at for as young as i am considering everything... im honestly on a pretty good track

my health: so, i doubt anyone is reading at this point so... the weekend after my fatigue flare up at the start of the month i had a suicidal episode. and i’ve only told my therapist

it was my first one in about a year, my worst one in two and over the dumbest thing since highschool .... just being overwhelmed by school work

like, two mays ago i had a really bad one ‘cause i couldn’t get myself to finish my Buddies piece, a year ago i had a much smaller one ‘cause of a HUGE fight with my dad and this was just... being overwhelmed.

and that’s what;s frustrating!! i guess it was frustration at my body and i hadnt eaten that well and i was a day away fro my period and all that added up to curled into a ball trying desperately not to reach for a handful of my ciprilex and melatonin for most of that saturday??? which just like wtf

OTHER THAN THAT, my physical strength has actually been on an upswing since the start of the month and im feeling a lot more active. i have a cold this week but that’s just it being february and my immune system being shitty. thank god for cold 911

okay, it’s far too late. i gotta shower and sleep and this took about 10x longer than i planned for

it’s gonna be a hell of a week, and i have no idea when i can do this again, but wish me luck!

#my life today

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