#i try so sso hard to talk them out of shitty decisions and help them when theyre in trouble and i deal w them shittalking dsmp
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thinkin thoughts abt friendship n stuff (/neg). dont rb obviously
#not like /neg towards friendship. love the concept i just. im thinkin abt my lack of friends ig#or not that i lack friends. i have them! i have a whole ass friendgroup i wanna move in with but#idk. at the same time its mostly out of convienience. if i didnt have to out of paranoia that i wldnt survive on my own i probably wouldnt#like i love em and all its just. i think our first year being getting close under an abusers thumb kind of. fucked us up#bc i got all codependent and they would protect me and stuff and now that doesnt happen and we dont feel as close and it. sucks ig#and i still go through all the same motions. i try to share my interests im trying to show interest in what they love#i look out for them. i try to comfort them when i have the energy even when i dont have the energy#i try so sso hard to talk them out of shitty decisions and help them when theyre in trouble and i deal w them shittalking dsmp#and i try to show that i care but im so used to playfighting and now they keep thinking im mad at them and im not!#but even when i try to be nice they still seem so. scared of me. everyone always seems scared of me#ive talked abt my own suicidal ideation and have spiraled so so many times and. i dont blame them for not helping#bc they dont have to. they dont have to deal w any of my shit n theyre always dealing with so so much and i never wanna force them to deal#w me when im at my worst. but it still hurts when i want to die and no ones there for me. theyre not even there for me for little things#im so tired of trying to get attention but no matter what i do i just. feel like im shouting into an empty void#i know how to comfort myself. i can bring myself out of panic attacks and breakdowns#and ultimately the only reason im still alive right now is because i taught myself to care abt myself#but i wish someone else was there for me. even just one person. id be okay with being abused again if it just meant someone would care#id be okay with being in danger if it meant people would protect me again. even one person#i open my heart and i become morails w ppl even through my discomfort n i third wheel n i comfort ppl#n i tamper down all my sharp edges n keep my mouth closed when i smile n i try so hard to be kind and loving and a caretaker like they need#n i just. dnt have any of that 4 me. i dont truly have any support. im not even able to share my excitement w those i live w or will live w#i just want someone to care. to support me. am i not enough for that? its starting to feel like it. i hate it. i wish i could stop feeling#stop havin emotions or connections or anythn. but i tried already and no one cared. no one tried to stop me. only one person showed concern#and it was bc they were worried over how it wld effect the group. amazing isnt it. i could disappear and only one person wld reach out#god. i hate it. i mean hell one of my friends goes on n on abt hating dream but they love their fuckin family#and go on n on abt how theyre 'not that bad' or only mentionin their gmas racism *as if the rest dont say the fuckin n word every day#n act as if color doesnt exist*. fuckin hypocrite! i know at some point ppl get burnt out but they get more pissed off#abt some dude they dont even know making pride merch than they do abt their family being fucking racist. i hate it#i want out but i dont have any other options. n if i get mad theyll just cower n ill be the scary big bad all over again#and it feels like ive gone too far to kill myself now when i havent even been 16 for a week. goddammit
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