#i tried eyeliner yesterday and poked myself Right in the eye fucking loved it it looked so bad
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ive got my party poison hair and im trying back on the purple doctor jacket i bought last year and havent really dared to try on again and ive got a pale green blouse and dark blue tie with flower patterns and i’ll need a bit of practice and a bit of time but im gonna have such a good gender one day
#you know that quote thats i think by ira glass that goes like when you get into art you get into it bc youve got good taste#but your skills dont match up to your taste yet so everything you make feels bad? im like that rn with my gender expression i'll get there#ive got TIME#ive got the house to myself this weekend so i can try some stuff out#my main problem rn is everything i own is 2 sizes too big#bc i was dysphoria buying them#i need some good shirts that fit me i'd look so hot#also trousers im very bad at them#i only wear like 3 cargo type ones?#ive got some skinnier jeans kinda thing too one or two i think#but i dont wear them bc dysphoria#and ive got a few that might be good but theyre too big bc men sizes#i mean to make them smaller but i have to learn how to do that first then#other things i want to learn are how to do my hair and also make up#im gonna start with the red eye shadow panda eyes that seems doable#i watched a Very old video where gerard shows how to do the eyeliner and hes just like#smudge it. basically just make it look like youre sick#and im like cool smudge it i can make it look like shit in fact i think i can Only do that at this point this is gonna go great#i tried eyeliner yesterday and poked myself Right in the eye fucking loved it it looked so bad#babys first make up attempt#i think ive got eye shadow Somewhere. like at the bottom of a box full of junk that i dont know what to do with#hahahaaa FOUND IT. covered my whole floor in stuff#oh got a bunch of other things too. foundation. baby we dont care about that we care about looking spooky#it's so sad bc like i remember exactly One instance of me using makeup for the first time for a musical i was in and#hang on a second im having flashbacks to the older girls putting the makeup on the younger girls bc we didnt know how oh i was a gay child#alright but that and i told my mom 'makeup is kinda fun' and she was like 'right?'#and then i also remember exactly One instance of me sorta figuring out that i could like. pick my own clothes to wear or buy#and telling my mom 'oh this is fun i like looking pretty!'#exactly ONCE. both things. and then never caring about looking good ever again and just living in an oversized holey hoodie for 10 years#MY TIME HAS COME. im 12. im gonna look PRETTY. but the way gerard way says pretty you know what i mean
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I Feel Like I’ve Been Losing All My Life - A Carry On Fic
Rating: Teen And Up
Category: F/F
Word Count: 2.1k
Summary:“I couldn’t see, everything was blurry. This was when I knew things were going to be way harder to do. so I shoved my hands in front of me and walked blindly, hoping I wouldn’t bump into anything. My hands were no help (they were numb, what did I expect?) and sooner or later, my legs started to spasm. I was fucked.”
A/N: i wrote this for femslash feb but 🤷
Read it on AO3
(There is extra info in the end notes about MS, check it out. I’d like to think it’s pretty helpful.)
--
BAZ
I awoke to the feeling (or not. Because I couldn’t feel it.) of my upper arm being numb and my alarm clock blaring in my ears.
I didn’t care about the alarm clock. I couldn’t move my arms. It was as if someone froze them solid and poked them constantly with millions of needles. It immediately struck me with panic and I had the urge to cry.
I’d felt that feeling one too many times. But it was the end of the week, and I couldn’t skip school, it would arise suspicion and I didn’t want to disappoint Daphne.
I didn’t want to be a disappointment to anyone. Especially Sophie, considering she was probably going to wait for me outside of the school.
I checked my phone for the time, blindly groping for my phone on my side table. I had three messages from Sophie.
Blithering Idiot: baz!!!!!!!!!
Blithering Idiot: its friday!!!!!
Blithering Idiot: ill be waiting for u in school!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I smiled, then replied with:
Me: Youre alwasy there.
Me: Its nothnig nwe.
Begrudgingly, I got out of bed, attempting to pull my self up with numb arms. I tried to walk towards the loo, but I bumped into something every time I turned around.
I couldn’t see, everything was blurry. This was when I knew things were going to be way harder to do. So I shoved my hands in front of me and walked blindly, hoping I wouldn’t bump into anything. My hands were no help (they were numb, what did I expect?) and sooner or later, my legs started to spasm.
I was fucked.
I crawled to the loo, because I was a stubborn git and I was going to go to school and see Sophie if it costed me my life. Though, I doubt it will. I’ve gotten out of this situation way too many times.
Eventually, I had reached the loo. I attempted to stand up, swayed, and pushed my hips against the door to open it. I did my usual routine; brushed my teeth, washed my face, combed my hair, and did my makeup. But I skipped the makeup this time, can’t really do flawless eyeliner if I can’t feel my fingers or see well, can I?
I trudged out of my room clad in my school uniform with my bag hanging off of my shoulder. not my best outfit, but at that point, I didn’t care.
“Morning, love.” Daphne said once I entered the kitchen.
I mumbled unintelligibly and headed towards the pantry, clumsily grabbing a few granola bars to shove inside my bag.
“Is father still here?”
“No, he left about half an hour ago,” Daphne said, heading towards me to ruffle my hair. “You feeling okay?”
I rubbed at my eyes, “no, not really. I woke up with my arms feeling numb.”
“Aw,” Daphne cooed. she didn’t mention anything about going back to the doctor’s, Daphne’s too sweet for her own good. “Need anything?”
“No. Just- don’t tell father.”
There really wasn’t anything bad about telling father that I woke up feeling like the epitome of death. Except for the fact that my mum died because of this very reason. So my condition and my mum were two topics that must not be talked about in this household.
Because as long as I was under my father’s roof, his rules would be followed. And anytime I gave in, I felt like I was losing.
“Alright,” she patted my head, “best be on your way then, school starts in about ten minutes.”
I groaned internally, but remembered that me and Sophie go to the same school. The prickling sensation in my arm got worse when I was chatting with Daphne, but my legs were a bit better, so I decided to walk.
I reached school in a record time of six minutes.
Because I ran. It wasn’t a very good idea since my legs were still slightly numb and I couldn’t see very well. I walked into the school and was immediately greeted by an enthusiastic Sophie.
“Baz! Love, there you are. What took you so long?”
I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t respond, I just kept walking.
“Baz, don’t ignore me.” She said, frowning.
I was so excited to see Sophie, but now I don’t want her around.
“Baz,” she said firmly, “you made a typo in your message.”
I couldn’t feel my hands, why did I think it was a good idea to text ?
I scoffed, “I’m human. Does making one typo mean it’s the end of the world?”
Sophie growled, “you’re limping . Is this your, what’s it called-”
I didn’t even notice that I was limping. I didn’t notice a lot of things. I couldn’t even recall what I had for breakfast yesterday. I felt like these were symptoms for an attack.
I can’t risk having one at school.
I yawned, “spit it out.”
At this point, I was backed into the wall of the hallway. It was deserted, thankfully, because classes had already started.
“Is it the, uh, numbing thing?”
“I’m amazed at how eloquently you said that, congratulations, you’ve figured me out.”
“Come on ,” Sophie whined, “you’re doing that thing wh-where you become an absolute arsehole.”
I just raised an eyebrow and stared at her eyes. They were so blue , so strikingly blue it hurt my eyes.
But I didn’t want to look away.
I put most of my weight beside me, on the side of a locker and leaned forward to bury my face into Sophie’s neck.
“Baz?”
“Mmph.”
“Love.”
I felt Sophie’s hands travel up my back onto my shoulders and started to rub them. I sighed, it felt like heaven and I was so, so tired. “If you don’t tell me what’s going on, I can’t help.”
“It’s,” I yawned, “I think it’s another attack.”
“But you haven’t had one in-”
“It’s only been a few weeks. I thought too optimistic too soon.”
Sophie’s hands stilled from where there were on my back, soon resuming their movement to move to my hair and play with it. “So, what’s your plan? Why’d you come to school?”
I moved my head from Sophie’s shoulder and snorted, “do you not want me here?”
“No- are you daft?” She pressed a kiss to my nose, “of course I want you here, but I care about your health.”
I didn’t say anything. I stared past her shoulder towards the tiles.
“Baz, it’s okay. I’ll tell Ms Possibelf. Go to Ebb.”
Ebb was our school’s guidance counselor. She was one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met, she knew my mother, and for some reason, it was easier to talk about her death to someone who actually knew her. (We would spend hours just crying about her, though I would never tell Sophie about that. she worried to much and I didn’t want to add to it.)
“Why?”
“She- she helps me, so she’ll help you. I’m sure of it. And she makes a really good cuppa.”
I smiled, Sophie always has food on her mind. Even if it isn’t scones.
“Okay.”
She reached out to pat my shoulder, I shot her a confused look, “Look, I- just. I love you, okay?”
I felt blood rush to my cheeks, “oh my god, Sophie.”
“What?”
“I love you too, you absolute nightmare. Now go, class has already started.”
I gave her a playful shove, she laughed and walked away.
Moments like those made me feel a little like I was winning.
I did listen to Sophie’s advice (I’m not that bad of a girlfriend, I swear.) But before I did, I headed to the loo to fix myself up. My hair was a mess, courtesy of Sophie playing with it, and my shirt was untucked. Even though I knew Ebb, I had to look presentable.
I tucked my shirt into my skirt and left my hair as is.
The freeze-like numbing in my arm returned, and I felt a wave of nausea wash over me, immediately reminding me that I had to go to Ebb’s office and I had to go fast .
I headed to Ebb’s office, it was near the back of the school. It was quite dark. The hall had several broken lights which the school wasn’t bothering to fix.
I ran. Again. (Christ, I had to stop running, especially when I couldn’t feel shit in my legs.) And slammed open Ebb’s door. Not my best moment, but I really had no say.
Ebb’s office was painted a soft orange, her desk settle near the left corner. The walls were adorned with multiple Polaroids and quotes, and a small bean bag chair that was stark black against all the soft colours of the room. (Because it was mine. Ebb noticed I would be spending a lot of time here. Sometimes I wondered if the world deserved Ebb. She was amazing, period.)
Ebb, seeming unfazed by my entry, replied with a warm smile,“‘ello, Baz. How can I help ya?” Ebb was sitting on her chair, sipping a cuppa whilst scrolling through something on her computer.
I leaned against the door frame, panting. “I,” I huffed, “I think I’m about to have another attack. Or maybe it’s happening right now. I have no clue.”
“Okay, calm down. Come sit here.” She gestured towards the black bean bag chair. I took her advice and sat down.
“Okay.”
“Did you take your meds?”
I blinked.
Jesus Christ . My mind had been going absolutely bonkers since I woke up and I completely forgot the single most important thing that would help me get through the day.
My fucking medicine.
I had been diagnosed with MS about three years ago, when I was 14. I’d been complaining to Sophie and Ebb and they both said I should go to the doctor. Me, being the stubborn child I was, didn’t listen and insisted that I was in tip-top condition and didn’t need any help.
I did so desperately need help.
But the worst thing was that i had to go through the whole process alone. I wasn’t necessarily alone. I had Ebb and Sophie. But i wanted my mum. And my father wouldn’t even let me talk about my condition.
Through my teenage years, my condition worsened and my doctor recommended medicine, so I took it. Though it did help reduce MS flare-ups, the condition made me lose some feeling in my hand.
Meaning I could not play violin for sophie, like I’d hoped I could. I planned a whole picnic in my imagination, Sophie and I would watch the sunset and I’d play the violin for her.
I cried a lot when I’d found out.
So, in short, to not make father angry, I hid my condition, (which I shouldn’t have to. It’s perfectly normal to have it.) hid my medicine, hid the fact that I can no longer feel some of my hand, and the fact that I can no longer play the violin.
I wrote it down on paper, made myself memorize it, and repeated the mantra in my head over and over again. Fiona’d thought I’d gone insane. She wasn’t wrong.
“No.”
“Baz, I thought we’d gone over this,” Ebb frowned.
“No- no no no. Don’t worry, I’m not doing this on purpose, I swear.” I said, shaking my hands in front of her face to emphasize my point.
A year ago, Sophie had found me pissed on the streets and I’d dumped my heart out. I’d spilled multiple things that I normally wouldn’t have said if I was sober. And one of the things was that I wasn’t taking my meds because “ what’s the point? I’m gonna die anyways. Might as well go down like my mother, I suppose.”
It was mortifying. I vowed to never drink again.
“I’ve been having memory problems, which, you know, are one of the symptoms.”
“Have you been stressed lately?”
“What- I mean yeah, it’s exam season, what do you expect? I’m not going around frolicking in a field of flowers with a bouquet of fucking daisies in my hand.”
Ebb sipped her tea thoughtfully, “y’know, I could really do without your sarcasm right now, love.”
I groaned, annoyed. “Did you make any tea for me? Watching you drink really has me craving for some.”
Ebb smiled, “I thought you’d never ask.”
“Scones?”
Ebb just winked.
#carry on#snowbaz#simon snow#tyrannus basilton pitch#carry on fic#femslash#i've posted this on ao3 but made a tumblr#so i decided to post it here too#what's the harm lol
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