ok just had my dr appt and am feeling a lot better.

we’re going to increase my dosage of the meds + do a diagnostic test on friday to see if my fallopian tubes are blocked (and i guess the test itself can improve conception rates after because of the type of dye they use?). the cost of the test is within the range i felt i could afford so that’s good too. most importantly she was really reassuring about the “if you have 3 failed cycles IUI won’t work for you” advice that is allllll over the internet. her take is that the research focuses mostly on heterosexual couples who likely had difficulties conceiving naturally for a year or more before seeking fertility care... meaning they’ve typically gone through 15-16 unsuccessful cycles (12 of trying to conceive naturally + 3-4 with IUI). in that case there’s likely some other reason things aren’t working and so it makes sense, timing wise and financially, to move on to the highest-tech option (ie IVF). but for single women and/or lesbians who are trying to conceive, those 3-4 IUI cycles are their first and only attempts. and if the medical history looks good and the person is responding well to the medication, then it might just be a timing and luck thing. so she says if everything looks good on the test we’re doing friday, she recommends that i try six cycles before we reassess. and if i can balance the costs and don’t want to do IVF, she says there’s no reason why i couldn’t follow the regular guidance for couples trying non-medicated cycles ie a full year of trying (although at that point i might decide the financial / emotional cost isn’t worth it). 

I did a lot of work yesterday and wound up not in a great mental space... I'm feeling better so far today, but I'm going to try and not work on anything for the bulk of the day and just focus on the other stuff I have scheduled. Then tomorrow I can work more on the game stuff.

I can feel my brain trying to search for things to stress about, and trying to make me feel guilty for not working, but I'm going to do my best not to give into it. I did a lot of housework today, I had a walk, I have dnd later, and I'll have time in the evening to do more stuff if I feel the need to. It's the weekend and I don't have to feel guilty for taking time for myself.

The big thing that keeps stressing me out, I think, is that I want to submit my application for permanent residency soon (I'm in the process of moving to Canada), but I've told myself I'm going to wait until May so that I can take the money I need out of my savings account to pay for the submission fee. But I keep feeling bad for not having already done it, and stressing about it potentially getting rejected.

So I am trying my best to remind myself that I have a plan, I'm not just sitting around ignoring it or doing nothing- I have a timeline set up and a to do list involving it, I have been planning and preparing, I just can't do it immediately. And that's something that I struggle with a lot in terms of my anxiety- when something is stressing me out I want to work on it immediately, get it done and out of the way, so i don't have to stress anymore. And when I can't do that, it makes it hard for me to just not think about it or to convince myself that it's OKAY to not be doing anything about it. It's something I've always struggled with, and unfortunately will probably continue to struggle with, even if I do my best to work around it and cope.

But it'll be okay! Like I said, I have a plan. I'm going to let myself be chill today, and if I'm still stressing later I can talk to my husband to alleviate some of that. Just three more days until I can submit my application- perhaps tomorrow or tuesday I'll get someone to look over everything for me to make sure I have everything all set, so I can submit it right away on wednesday. We will figure it out! Things will get done, one way or another, and just because I am not doing something every second of the day doesn't mean that I'm slacking or not thinking about it! /drills this into my head aggressively

Jesse Ventura was kind of my character a little bit no saying I'm out of control with it but I should be but not on this team. And what I'm saying is it's our plan to do this and people are treating me except for some of Olympus very badly here and troops even I don't think they understand what I'm doing when Frank Castle Hardcastle Duke Nukem Blockbuster you can explain it to them this is the definite markings of one of my sop except that I'm stuck in it

Zues Hera

We do understand it and we know what he's talking about and which sop it is it's about a draw now if you're going to survive a draw you need to get ready for it being in it just most difficult and he's decided to do it with his whole life and we're sitting here flexing around wondering what to do finally Thor and Freya said it's a drawer and that's what he's doing and we're just fudging around here and we all know upset and now we're trying to work at it it was always behind damn numbers are always behind we have the numbers we have ability to achieve them but where the hell are people what are they doing and I'm the one who should know and he says it and start torturing me with it and to sign them the f******up or I'm a f****** so I can see what you're saying you can't say that to other people cuz they won't react appropriately but he has been and it's kind of sit there humor yammering at him it's very upsetting now we're doing it cuz he told us that would be caught it might be illegal and what you're doing up there now is the same damn thing

Frank Castle Hardcastle waiting

Is a wonderful person you sacrifice and tons of stuff to do this they're making him sacrifice more and sometimes these idiots but we don't have to let him do it they're just idiots and that's what he's been trying to express the whole time it's very mind-numbing do you get it yet everybody else

Duke Nukem Blockbuster

I heard him say it too who we waiting for the smart to clean it'll be alleviated this the pressure over there we'll see them easier they need this distraction and so forth so I understand it and I wanted but really we are lagging behind with the numbers and he's pissed off and he says this it's criminal negligence his people responded they have a huge Force and we might look like criminals feet because we know what's out there if we're driving our feet we're in a lot of trouble and he says it too it looks like these dildo people now I went out of this and I need out of this and it makes people look bad for real and a lot of you look bad not just some of you no just there's not a ton of you atrocious you have to get your stuff in gear hire your people. They say they're going to do that we're saying it's very strongly suggested that you catch up to us due to the weaponry that we are building and acquiring so he says this I'm sick of it I'm tired of it these people act like little s**** like these people to start putting arm inmates in your territories it would stop this s*** I hear is my cadre is doing it already enforce them in and vetted them properly. I'm going to look into it I see what he's saying we have to negate a beam of that power or make sure that nobody's going to use it then he might have something and a ship or other and his people usually ahead so this is going to work

Thor Freya

This is a huge plan it's meant for all of us every single one of our people's and we're going to make sure that we have to conscript you your interview properly and it's easier to sign up yourself you get more money for your family better position and at the end of things all the way down to private they'll probably get your own planet if you don't sign up you won't what you'll be as a charcoal briquette you don't want to be last and in question as to why you sat there while our people are screaming out for help and in fear and misery and are surrounded by Killers who eat people so please get up off your tough and speak to your family this is a decision you have to make and also if you stay behind I'll plan until scanning everything and you'll be scanned and he won't survive it and we don't want you to do that we are at War right now with these people it's extremely serious and fighting tooth and nail and we do not have time for ours to be sitting there and getting us angry at them

Zues then me I said the whole bottom part Hera

We have a huge thing of a list to do but we need to start recruiting a lot more this is miserable everyday we're trying to pry people out of places but they think we're doing and he says you better stop doing that to me and go find out it's your job it's not that hard it can't be that hard what do they do they avoid you do hear what he's saying we have to go and start recruiting areas with conscription so what he's saying is going to the town square and talk to the mayor first and have him sign on first and he'll be the recruiter and have our recruiters recruit mayors every single mayor will be part of our military like tomorrow Hera and I decree and the governors too that will assist in signing on the mayors each mayor the day after tomorrow once he has some training it's going to the public square to ask for volunteers to sign on to the local military into town township or city that he's mayor of if it doesn't have a small base it will I don't care what they use an Old farm if you know what I mean they're not in disarray or just use but. We're going to initialize this program I do understand what he's saying if you work for the government you're going to work for the military and that must be certain place that's a way to do it I'm going to add to the law and change it now. Your conjuries started signing them up and other side and start doing it and it's going to work very well we like your idea of forming bases bases

Olympus