I graduated college last year into the pandemic and spent the last year fighting to get into the job market/applying to grad school. I got into a school with a great program for what I want to do and with a reasonable amount of loans that won't put me into crippling debt. But now with 2 weeks to the start of the semester my family wants me to defer my acceptance because the instructor of this cybersecurity certification course I've been taking over this past summer says they can guarantee me a job once I pass the certification exam. I really only took the course because my family was making me feel like I wasn't working hard enough to find a job in this weird covid job market and kept making comments about how I wasted their money for 4 years and couldn't get a job. (Mind you I took out loans for undergrad too plus worked 2+ jobs in school to help pay for what loans & fin aid couldn't cover) Now I'm conflicted because I worked so hard to get into a good program and I'd rather finish the program and be done with school for good but I know if I don't defer I'll have to put up with nasty comments until I graduate and get what they consider to be a "real job". (Currently I'm unemployed but once classes start I'll be working as a Teaching Assistant for my department) Unfortunately moving out isn't an option right now because now working for the last year has depleted my savings and I'll have to stay home. I do pay my family rent every month but on a much lesser scale than the cost of getting a studio apt near my grad school. Should I just ignore them and follow my own plan for my life despite the tension I know it'll cause? I'm just tired of feeling like my life is not my own even though I'll be 23 this year and I've always tried my best to make my family proud :/

*idk if this helps explain family dynamics but my family are African immigrants

Sweetie, I’m a child of Haitian immigrants and I say this with the upmost respect for your family but fuck their opinion.

Are you living for yourself or for them? Do you wanna make yourself proud and achieve your goals? Or do you wanna make your family proud because you wanna be a yes man and not challenge their opinion?

I understand exactly where they’re coming from by playing it safe by having job security right out the gate.

But if you wanna go to grad school, just go.

Also, you gotta know African/Caribbean immigrants parents are never ever fucking satisfied with what we do, whether we listen to them or not. Cuz after you achieve one goal, there’s never a “good job” or pat on the back recognition. The bar will continue to rise for you to meet.

I think you should suck it up, let them talk their shit and you go ahead and do what you planned on doing.

You got this, babe. Stop being too damn hard on yourself because your family already does that for you enough.

Mel had lived with me and jess but moved out suddenly, that grey dog from SD was hers and she left it along with most her stuff. I was gonna temporarily take care of the dog, but she was in jess's car who was going to some party and was all weird, wouldnt let me and took the dog w her. Being a real bitch about it, like "I just think it would be best for the dog since she's already in my car." In mels room, bought skin and beauty supplies in bulk so there were tonnnns, let jess n her friend take some. Also tons of rings, anime books, who knows what else it was like a store. Then i was in her bathroom n it got creepy. She had back door to basement, it locked but Kevin Spacey came in and went to door and it lowered n opened, i think the devil answered? Also a secret panel in back wall, i knocked and mexican man let me into his very nice studio apt. First was illusion of door shutting n floor dropping tho. He said i was there for a class, most ppl fail, n he was "guidance counselor". Book he gave me was a bunch of fucked up cartoons in old mickey style, just weirdness like butts growing out of ground like crops, confessions about dogs eating underwear, ppl licking each others shoulders. It got more and more fucked up as i went, I was gonna ask him if he was god or the devil and i woke up

I was linnea in forest, straight up killed a guy for some reason? Only evidence was a cleaner bottle so i dumped it in neighbors garbage and stole a white truck from a lil asian ladys house, her friend saw me. Later it was on news and the asian lady was hounding me, couldnt stay up late in parents house cuz she would see my tv from another room n come yell at me

I was kid from home alone, very scary, no old man to help but i got on zip line in time. Then hid in garage but dude left marty behind. Then in weird class or training, camping or staying in a lodge? We had to make art project of our year, pagan style. Then prank called this author i really liked, pretending they were the wayons bros?

Dreamed alex had secret insta full of his selfies, he used it to like one of jessica colvins pics and i threw a fit about it. Also at cispus, and matthew had gone there years ago n there was a polar bear there

Scariest fuckin dream ever about chucky.  B4 that, about being LI in special dining hall, didnt get as good of food. My mom was there

Olivia hottle was dating luke, he had super long hair. We were all in midwest and bad snowstorm coming, i was gonna move but didnt know where, south or to canada. On special plane w only airline employees

Kept going into kevynnes mom and step dads house without asking, told them i knew her in hs but the mom was so sassy and mean. Neighborhood was flooding, smthn bout going to a playground Trackers used v to go to but there were lots of bees

Birdbox dream! Jess was a crazy, i had to go back to house for my work lunch but her and crazy dude were there, i stabbed them a bunch but they wouldnt die. Then trying to get somewhere in a big forest

Joe had become a cop and moved to WA, pulled me over 2 diff times, 2nd time me n alex were just in an uber that was speeding. Then going to sequim library but big snowstorm coming, also tryna shoplift from them. Then surprise visiting justin n rhonda, jason momoa was driving. Roads different, kept getting lost or driving thru a creek. Finally got there, it was dark out, they lived in apartment. Then i was back in car having sex w olivia hottle?? Then in sci fi movie where people could morph to look like others, evil girl was morphed as the good girl and went to her house. Big brother knew it wasnt her, her room was super 90s filled w kiddie nail polish n lipsticks n Sims game

Scary ass birdbox dream, started outside w wcc crew maybe? Very gruesome, ian n jenna were there too. Outside, all blindfolded. Eventually heard cops and helicopters n stuff, and ian looked. Then went inside factory type place, mostly safe except one lady

Was cashier at safeway, pretending to be in wheelchair. Then was cashier at restaurant, at closing time had some class going on watching a movie? Sitting behind counter w some guy too, smthn bout a little baby i was carrying around. Bird box, tryna take shower with eyes closed

Tasha Dougé, Day 7

Good Morning.  I was legit trying to finish these posts since this the weekend.  However, technology made that quite difficult.  I clearly have been taking a bunch of pictures and completely filled my phone up.  If this has happened to you before, the “no space” window that comes up is more than a nuisance.  I was not able to create these images or anything else without freeing up space.  That is what I’ve been doing for the past couple of days.  But that is in the past and we are here now.  Here is what happened on day 7.

I was supposed to leave the apartment by 11am, but it was more like 11:30ish.  (The schedule did say a late morning.)  The directions said to take the R to City Hall and then catch the free Downtown Connection shuttle that stops at Murray and Broadway.  I searched and roamed the area looking for a bus stop and found nothing.  I walked up to the booth behind the gate at City Hall.  One of the cops approached me and asked if I needed help.  I asked if he knew where to catch the free Downtown Connection bus.  Surprised, but not really, he had no clue what I was talking about.  Then he proceeded to tell me that he had worked there for 10 years and that he never saw the bus or heard of it.  Did he just put me is the tourist box?!?  Oh heck NO!!  I had to let him know that I AM a native New Yorker.  I told him that I was given instructions and that the bus existed (even though, I was starting to feel like I was on a wild goose chase).  He was absolutely useless to me at this point.  I texted Abbie (the fellowship Program Director) saying that there was no Downtown Connection bus.  No response...and none needed.  The good Lord and Ancestors must have felt my rising frustration because it that moment of arrrrggggghhhh, the bus/van showed up in all of its Firetruck Red Realness with the words Downtown Connection written in white across the side.  Thank You and Thank Goodness!!  Unfortunately because I had to make a quick dash across the street to catch it and I didn’t have the opportunity to show the cop the bus really exists.  10 years at the same post and he missed this big red vehicle.  My thoughts on that would be a whole other post.  So I am going to leave that right there and move forward because the day got back on track.

During the ride to my next destination, I was asking myself why didn’t I know about this bus?  You can be a native and still not know a hell of a lot and that has been confirmed through this whole journey.  The stops are not clear or marked, so if you don’t know or have the map, you will miss it.  I got off my stop and walked to the Irish Hunger Memorial.  As I approached it, it just looks like an area of grasslands.  I felt like Stonehenge was nearby.  However, when you walk around, it reveals itself to be so much more.  Words, stories, and history line the walls and there was a voice sharing them overhead.  I had no idea about the Great Irish Hunger, in which about one million starved to death between 1845 - 1852 due to policies imposed by the British.  No words.  The memorial also speaks to hunger and famine on a global scale.  I wanted to learn more, but the app is unavailable for android users.  RUDE.  After a walk throughout the whole space, my Samsung and I grabbed something to eat and went to the park to reflect.  

I was given some prompts.  How has it been away from my apt/studio, have I thought about my art, what has my mindset been around the activities, what has surprised me and such?  Being away from home and the studio has been fine.  But baby, there have definitely been times where it was difficult to turn off the things that were inspiring me to make art.  I have quite a few things waiting for me in the parking lot.  Staten Island was a surprise for me and has piqued my curiosity for sure.  Thus far, this journey hasn’t taught me anything new about NYC.  Rather, it has affirmed that there is so much that NYC has to offer and that there is always something more to learn.  I love this place.  Now off to the Empire State Building.

I think the last time I was here, I was in elementary school.  Yall, do the math cuz I’m 40 now.  Lol.  This time was different.  Not only am I much older and can appreciate it more, I was gifted with an executive pass for the day.  That meant I got to skip lines and walk down red carpets.  To be clear, there weren’t that many people there.  There was one group that tried to follow me onto the red carpet and I had to let them know it was for executive pass holders only.  It felt like a VIP moment, but there wasn’t a lot of glitz and glam.  When I reached the exhibitions, I noticed that the express lane was a bit watered down.  Nothing but pictures on the wall.  However, the other side was rich and robust with sketches, history, 3D models and interactive components.  I asked the attendant to make sure my assessment was correct and they confirmed my suspicions.  So with that, I ditched the express lane and fully submerged myself in all of ESB’s glory.  There was so much to take in, but the piece on teamwork really stood out.  The placard read, “TEAMWORK: The high-altitude rivet teams performed dangerous work and fully relied upon one another to get the job done.  If a member were absent, the team would not work.”  Wow and more WOW!  Think about that for a sec.  Imagine what work culture would be like now if this was still held up to be true.  Indispensable where?  The level of value one would feel is beyond what our current society knows.  It makes sense as to why and how the Empire State Building was built in record time. Trust and value were core the vision.  And to know I would have missed this if I stayed on the express lane.  It makes me think about the quote, “If you want to go fast, go alone; but if you want to go far, go together.”  Together, lets continue with upward and forward.  That was floor 80.  Next stops are floors 86 & 102.   

The view is spectacular from the 86 floor.  Aside from the view outside, the view inside is just as spectacular.  That is thanks to the artistry of renowned artist Stephen Wiltshire.  In 2017, he took at 45 minute helicopter ride around the city and in five days drew the landscape, including the ESB, from memory.  And he did that in front of a live audience in the Observatory.  The walls are now lined with the replica of his work.  Come through with the Black Excellence!  The only thing that could top that is the top of the Empire State Building.  I have never been and this is where the Executive pass came through.  Others would have to upgrade their tickets.  So this was a perk.  In a flash, I went from 86 to 102 and it makes a world of difference.  Listen folks.  For my 30th birthday, I jumped out a plane.  15,000 feet above ground and I wasn’t nervous at all.  However, that wasn’t the case here.  There is something about heights and stillness that always reminds you that you are in a ménage-à-trois with gravity.  I eased my way to the edge and stared out in awe and wonder and gratitude.  In awe of what has been made and the people who made it, in wonder of the person(s) with the vision to dream of such a marvel, and gratitude to be in a position to take it all in and question. 

Shoutout to attendants Alfredo, Sophia and Jere.  It was a pleasure talking to them and sharing laughs.  They are there to guide us, but they have stories too.  And now they are a part of mine. I told Sophia if I decide to go bungee-jumping, that I would come back and tell her all about it.  Visiting the Empire State Building reminded me that as a native NYer, I should carve out time to relish in all the marvels she has to offer.  I got you NYC.  Note:  The opening of the ESB happened on May 30th and Patti LaBelle was born May 24.  That means I am in good Gemini company. 

Last but not least, Trivia and Karaoke!  If you know me, then you know.  I love trivia and I legit have my own Karaoke mic.  This was a fundraiser for CAAAV Organizing Asian Communities.  Teams had already been established, but I learned a lot from the trivia and the Karaoke contest was hilarious.  I appreciated the trivia that spoke the connection to other communities, including Black communities.  There was a wealth of resources shared in the chat and I was able to tie what I learned from the Museum of Chinese in America (MOCA) to the conversation.  It felt great to apply what I have learned in real time.  It only affirms for me how much of this process I have taken in.